All language subtitles for Flowers s01e01e02.eng

'From a weird reverie of dark revelation,

'Mr Grubb woke up with
a strange sensation.

'Slipping out through the
crack at the back of the lair,

'trudging out through the
muck and the thick misted air,

'where the collie wobblers
warbled their sinister call

'and the dingle baggles
scurried on jittery claws.

'His ghostly breath
mixing in with the fog,

'he plonked himself
down on a damp mossy log.

'But then in the sludge,
just a few feet away,

'Mr Grubb saw a plant that
was quite out of place.

'A single buttercup in a pile of faeces.

'Mr Grubb tore it up
into a thousand pieces.'

Fuck's sake.

Here we go.

Morning, hard-working boys!
That's what I like to see.

- Brought us a nice brew, Mrs Flower?
- Oh, cheeky! What makes you say that?

- Yes, I have, you little sneaks.
- Thanks, Mrs Flower. Nice.

- Morning, Deborah. - Gosh, you're like
a pack of wolves. - Morning, Deborah.

Oh, morning, Barry.

Oh, Tommy, haven't you got big hands?

You look radiant this morning.

Come on, young Ryan. So handsome.

So she's got you building a wall now.

It doesn't seem necessary
to me, personally,

- but what Mrs Beckett wants, Mrs Beckett gets.
- Why has she got you to

start it right here,
right next to our garden?

We don't make the decisions.
We just do as she says.

- Dredge the pond, kill the chickens...
- OK, well, nice to see you, boys. Bye-bye!

- Lovely cakes, Mrs Flower.
- Oh, filthy!

I'll have to take out a
restraining order. See you later.

OW!

Big pile of wood. Oh, blood.

Are you all right, Deborah?

- Way too morose.
- 'Yeah, I mean, it's for kids.'

I understand. It is for kids,
yes. I'll lighten up chapter one

and maybe the fart pigeons are better

than the collie wobblers, yeah.

- 'How's Shun?' - Shun has been
getting on with the illustrations

and, as I say, obviously, I do
have a plot. It's just when you

suddenly say, "Can you
tell me what it is...?"

- 'I need to see something by next week.'
- Next week? Not a problem.

- 'OK.' - OK. - 'Bye.' - Yep,
thanks for your help. Bye. - 'Bye.'

- Mr Flowers.
- Oh, thank you, Shun.

- You don't have to bow.
- Miso soup.

Me so grateful.

Very good. Very powerful.

Yes, idea for comic book.

- Tarantula Woman. - Tarantula
Woman. - Mr Gay. - Mr Gay.

And that's... his erection?

Yes, of course. Mr Gay
is always have erection.

His weakness, actually. Very sensitive.

Tarantula Woman is try have
sex with a lot of gay guy.

Mr Gay protect. "Go away, Tarantula Woman!

"Have sex with hetero guy! Gay power!"

- Morning!
- Mrs Flowers. Ohayou gozaimasu.

Hello, Shun. Yes, exactly.

- Mrs Flowers, your leg! Please.
- Oh, don't worry. Can I have a word?

Yeah.

Probably she takes magic potion for
make fantastic face. So beautiful.

Thank you, Shun. Don't worry about that.

No problem.

Legs so big, Mrs Flowers. Strong!

Very big leg.

- Thank you. Sorry. Actually,
do you mind? - No problem.

- No, do you mind, as in, erm, leaving?
- All finished.

I will make food for anniversary.
Very delicious, very clever.

- Good luck. See you in a mo.
- Thank you. Yes, in a mo, that's right.

- His English is coming
on, isn't it? - Yeah.

Let's go. Anniversary party!

It's lovely that you two
are such good... friends.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, yes, happy anniversary to you, too!

That's what I wanted to
talk to you about, actually.

Oh, I assume we won't be
going ahead with the party

- now that no-one's coming?
- Actually, I was thinking,

and it's no big deal, obviously, but there
are some people we haven't asked yet.

- The Becketts, for example.
- The Becketts are racists.

Or Martin, then. Or that man
Bill who used to come round.

Erm, Bill. The postman?

- Yes, he was the postman, wasn't he?
You're right. - I think so, yeah.

I just thought we should try to...

I mean, for the twins or
for your mother's sake.

My mother thinks that everyone
is a plumber called James.

You're saying you'd prefer not to bother?

No, I'm just saying that it
might be overall less stressful

if we didn't invite some racists
and a postman to our house.

- So you'd prefer not to?
- I'm not saying that.

We've done such a good job
with the twins, haven't we?

It's a good sign that they still want
to live at home, even though they're 25.

- I mean, we're good parents, aren't we?
- Yes. Yes, we are.

I for one am very happy
with our sexual freedom

that we both have and...

I mean, I'm really making the most of it.

Seriously... phwoar! You know?

We don't want to be too
happy. We're not mad.

But, erm... you know, on the other hand,

erm... also you can't have too much
of a good thing, by which I mean...

joy.

Do you want me to see

- who else is around who we missed out?
- Thank you, Maurice.

And I know we don't usually, but
I thought, for a change... Sorry.

- No, thank you.
- No, thank you? Yeah, sorry.

- I thought so...
- No, don't apologise.

- Yes, thank you for the present. - Oh,
I see! Right. - It's very thoughtful.

- Should I? - No, don't bother.
Throw it away, it's rubbish. - Ah!

And a free DVD.

I thought you'd find it funny
because of his... his tie.

Yeah. Yeah.

I hope you didn't get me anything.

Erm... no. I didn't want to...

Of course I got you
something. I got you...

- Oh, Maurice, you didn't have to!
- I got you this.

Oh, goodness! For me?

- Yeah. - Did you get Shun
to...? - Yeah, I commissioned Shun

to... to do it.

I like how her breasts and his, erm...

Yeah. Erm... I thought you'd...
I thought you might enjoy the...

the penis.

Yeah. Wow.

And it just goes to show what
an exciting place we're at,

that we can get each other
such challenging gifts.

- That's right. - And it shows how
open-minded we are about sex... - Art.

That's what I mean, art.

Goodness, that'll be Hugo.

- He's been quite peculiar since
the divorce. - Mrs Flowers!

- Trombonist is here.
- Yes, thank you, Shun. Coming.

- You not like? - Oh, no, I do like.
I love it. And I love you, Shun.

Do I? Yes, why not?

- I love you, obviously.
- I make cookie.

- Hello, Hugo. How are we?
- I don't want to play trombone, I'm sad.

Oh, dear. Well, let's try
some sight-reading, shall we?

- See if we can cheer you up a bit.
- Sorry, Deborah. - Oh, no, don't worry.

He's probably just upset
about your divorce.

Thanks.

Abigail. Abigail.

Abigail.

Abigail. ABIGAIL!

Hi, Donald.

- What are you doing?
- Going for a run.

Cool. Yeah, nice one.

I'm just tweaking the
design of a new invention,

then I'm heading into town
to buy shit-loads of cheese.

We're having a party later, if you
want to come? Parents' anniversary.

Funny coincidence, us bumping into
each other here, don't you think?

- That's the third time this week.
- What do you think it means?

(Destiny.)

Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk,
milk, milk, milk, milk, milk...

- Oh! Donald! High-five, we are friends!
- Get away from me!

You should try making a real
coffee. Use my uber-caff.

Eight times the strength of a
normal coffee, half the beans.

Mm!

Yeah!

- Gourmet.
- Very good, Donald.

- Mr Flowers.
- Ah, creamy.

- I'll have one of those in a sec.
- You should try my uber-caff, Dad.

Sent the design off a few months
ago, just waiting to hear back.

No, thanks, Donald.

I'm just going to have a normal
coffee, if that's all right?

Ahh! Hmm. Oh, what's this?

- It's my fromage fumigating
fondue machine. - Oh.

Very good. A little bit big for
the table. If you could move it.

Why is the tree broken?

Probably Amy climbing up it or something.

"Oh, look at me, I'm in a tree, I'm
so weird." Yeah, well, guess what?

You're also fat because the tree's broken!

- Can you check she's had
her breakfast? - Why?

- Because sometimes she forgets.
- Fucking nepotism.

- That doesn't make sense, Donald.
- Well, good. She doesn't make sense.

Bloody hell! Nana!

Morning.

James. How are the pipes?

Fine, thank you.

Is that the dulcet tones
of Martin Webster?

It isn't? Oh. Sorry.

Banana.

(Abigail.)

(Abigail.)

What are you doing?

- Go away! - What's
that? - Nothing. Go away!

Godiva!

It's not going to work this time,
I'm afraid. I'm ready for it.

I'll punch it in the beak.

Right, I'm telling Mum and Dad!

It's not appropriate for
you to have a medieval...

What the fuck are you doing?!
You don't shoot family!

Everyone knows that!
This room is a disgrace.

Here, look.

Use my mobile vacuum cleaner.
No-one likes a squalid woman.

Just taped a Dustbuster to a toy car.

Yeah, well, it's better
than anything you could make!

Why aren't you a millionaire yet, then?

Why haven't you had your
exorcism yet, then? Freak!

Nana Grub skulked through
the sludge and the dirt,

the solitary witness of Mr Grub's hurt.

She gathered the petals
and hid them from sight,

the buttercup fragments
of Mr Grub's plight.

So Billy and Bella and dear Mrs Grub

would not know his madness,

but only his love.

- Hey, Nana.
- James.

Come on, Hugo.

Let's get out of the toilet and do a
few scales before Mummy gets back.

Bad news, I'm afraid. No-one's free.

No, really? What are they all doing?

Well, various things, obviously.

Well, what are they variously doing?

Do you want me to list all
the things they're doing?

- Well, tell me one of them, at least.
- Martin's in a coma.

Right.

- So... - Thank you. - Yeah.

- Well, let's just do it anyway.
- Have a party without any guests?

Well, I... I could ask...

George, couldn't I? And Abigail.

- He's very funny.
- Is he?

He's hilarious.

And very handsome.

Yes, well, I suppose he is, yeah.

And I could ask the lovely builders?

They're not even our builders,

so that's going to be a
bit sinister, isn't it?

Well, it's all about having fun, Maurice.

We need to have fun. It bleeds
into the psyche. I mean, look!

Emotional stress and
confusion and divorce!

The rate he's going, he's going to
turn out a murderer or a solicitor!

So are we doing all this for Hugo?

No, we're not, we're doing
it for us. I'm just...

I'm using Hugo as an example of how
parents can fuck up their children.

- Finished.
- Hello! Hugo, we were...

That is very naughty, but
also I hope you're all right.

Just remember, it's not
your parents' fault.

- I mean, it's your fault.
- No, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault
that your parents, erm...

Sorry.

That'll be Barbara.

Why don't you ask if Barbara
and Hugo want to come tonight?

- It might cheer her up a bit. - OK.
- And you could ask George as well.

- No, you can ask him.
- No, you do it!

Be careful, you don't
want to lose me to him!

Right.

Let's clear this up, shall we?

Must have been a big poo!

Looks like a clever machine, Donald.

Saying something that
makes sense for once, Shun?

It's a fumigating fondue machine.

A device I've created for
smoking and melting cheese.

Fondue machines already exist.

Yes, but if you'd listened to
the actual name of the invention

instead of being a fat pedant ignoramus,

you'd notice I called it a
fumigating fondue machine.

Ie it smokes the cheese at the same time.

Why don't you just get smoked cheese?

Let's see who's laughing when
you're stuck here writing pointless,

depressing music and I've bought
myself a whole tropical island?

Donald Island?

That's right, Shun, and don't
think you're coming. You're banned.

We'll have our own island anyway,

won't we, Shun? What shall we call it?

Mm, I think maybe Donald Island.

Fucking moron!

That's it, everyone, getting
into the spirit of things.

So George and Abigail are coming and
I'm going to ask the builders, too,

- so it should be a
lovely evening. - What?

- Why are George and Abigail coming?
- Why's he coming?

George and Abigail are coming
because they're our neighbours

- and Shun is coming because he is
our... - Slave. - Japanese angel.

You like Abigail, don't you, Donald?

She likes me, more like.

It's embarrassing.

She asked if she could
come earlier, actually.

I was, "Play it cool,
Abigail! Stop being so keen!"

Well, you are quite a catch, I must say.

- Looks about 40.
- Well, you look dead, mate.

And some of those builder
lads are quite handsome, Amy.

So, you know, no harm in
making a bit of an effort.

Also, you could be friends
with Abigail too, you know,

- if you just lightened up a bit.
- Nah, she's too weird.

That's why she'll die a lonely
spinster covered in moss

while I'm living it up on Donald Island.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Hey, leave that alone!

Hugo loves the Grubs books.
He thinks you're brilliant.

Nice for him to be around
a more stable family.

It's a work in progress, you know?
But we're... We're getting there.

Come back here, you harlot witch!

Donald, stop it!

No, Shun! No judo!

No!

That's a valuable prototype!

Donald?

What the fuck is going on?

She's a psychopath!

Hello, boys.

What are you doing tonight?

We're going to have a little party.

Abigail, your ass looks outstanding.

Ugh, shut up, Dad.

Hooray!

Hello, Deborah.

- Steady on! - No, I can't control
myself around you, Deborah.

The sexual tension is just unbearable.

Hi, Deborah.

Hi. He's hilarious, your dad,
isn't he? Donald's inside.

I was given a whole crate of this
as a thank you for a new forehead.

Ooh, new forehead! Fancy.

Ooh, la-la.

That could be me and you.

Ha-ha-ha! Hilarious!

It's a present, actually, from Maurice.

Cor, what are you cooking?

That's just Donald's special cheese.

Smells like shit!

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Ha-ha-ha!

So, everyone, this is George.
He's a plastic surgeon.

And his daughter, Abigail, who's
training to be a very clever lawyer.

Abigail.

That's her real face.
I haven't touched it.

Maurice, how are you?

Yep.

It's a bit quiet, isn't it?
Shall I get some music?

Oh, I can go and get some
of my tapes, if you like.

Oh, no, Barry. We don't want more jazz.

Perhaps Amy could play something.

Dad!

Could be nice.

OK, something lively, maybe.

Don't know about everybody else, but
I'm in the mood for a bloody boogie.

Boring!

Play some reggae, for heaven's sake!

This is a sushi made of beef.

Ah, not now. Thank you,
Shun. We're just drinking.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

You ever had smoked cheese before?

No.

No? I put a bit of gin in there.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Let's get rid of this.

Shall we, Debs?

Ooh!

Maurice, do you want to get your
mother down? She loves a party.

- Deborah's a lovely
lady, isn't she? - Yes.

Such kind eyes.

Think she's the only person
who can make a cup of tea

the way my Audrey used to.

My wife passed away a couple
of years ago, you see, so...

I'm on me own now and...

.. I wore this to her funeral.

Have you seen Hugo?

Oh, wandered off, has he?
I'll go and have a look.

Oh, OK. Thanks, Maurice.

She's amazing, isn't she?

She had very bad acne as a child.

As a child?

She basically went through
puberty at about seven.

Who's taller now?

Hugo?

Christ...

Is it a hangman's rope?

No, er...

She's just having a nap.

And that is... Well, erm...

That's a snake, actually.

It doesn't look like a snake.

It's a magic snake.

It's a secret family snake.

Nice family.

Yes. Good father.

I just got divorced.

Had a fight about which
washing machine to get,

the 7kg load or the 9kg, and then
we realised we hated each other.

And that he was sleeping with my dentist.

As a medical professional, I just

find you fascinating. I mean,

- I almost want to take a mould
just to mount on my wall. - Ha-ha!

Goodness! Stop it, George!

- Making me feel like one of those
glamour models. - Excuse me.

Whoo! Cheer up, Barry. So serious.

You don't seem to be showing
this lady much respect, sir.

The magic snake is very special.

It means that you're very lucky,

but you must never tell
anyone you've seen it.

Or...

.. you will be cursed.

And terrible things will happen.

Worse than... divorce?

Much worse. But if you keep it a
secret, a wish will come true.

Will my daddy come back?

Yes. Yes, he will, but only
if you keep it a secret.

Now, off you go, and remember --

- secret snake.
- OK.

Mr Flowers loves children. Hugo
is the perfect size for him.

- Oh, he's quite small, isn't he?
- He make him laugh.

Oh, there you are.

I want to go home.

She is breathing...

It just sounds a bit strange.

This lady is beautiful
and kind, intelligent...

- And probably very naughty in bed.
- Stop it!

Maybe you should think twice
before talking like that.

Yes, maybe you should think

twice before eating so
many cakes, you fat shit.

Goodness, George!

All this testosterone flying
around, I might get pregnant!

Fucking boring, mate!

Come on, then.

Does anyone remember the happy song?

If I play it, you can sing it.

Nobody can be cross with
the happy song playing.

Fucking hell!

Ow... Ow...

Ow...

I think my mother's about to die.

Hugo!

Hugo, it's bedtime.

What are you drawing?

- Let me see.
- No, it's a secret.

Let me just have a look, please.

Well done.

I'm cursed. You're cursed.

We are both cursed.

- Do you want me to come with
you? - Where's Shun? - What?

It doesn't matter, I think he's got
my toothbrush. I'll see you there.

OK, I'll be right behind you!

- Mum, I can't drive!
- Just back it out!

Argh!

- Oi, don't throw it out!
- Argh!

- George what are you doing?
- It keeps the skin sterile.

I'm like a big packed lunch.

- Come on, Barry, we need to go.
- Such hot cheese!

- Toothbrush, pyjama.
- See what I can do about the stench.

- Shun, you stay here and
tidy up, please! - Hello?

- Come on, cheese man.
- Hi, Barbara.

Well, actually, they're going
to the hospital right now.

- I think I've fucked the clutch.
- Oh, thank you. - And the accelerator.

Hey, Donald, put the kettle down!

I was just going to make a
flask of tea for everyone

- if we were still getting ready.
- Are you eating?! - I need energy.

- Deborah, it's Barbara. - Fucking
Barbara again! - She says it's urgent.

It's not as urgent as this, is it?

- No, Shun, get out! I'm driving.
- Come on!

Nanna Grubb loved the damn diary of dreams

To the edge of the crack
where the swamp water steamed

Such odious prose, such horrible sadness

Such terrible proof of Mr Grubb's madness

She clenched her claws
round the cursed journal

And hurled it down to the pit infernal

That Mr Grubb's sorrow and fear and pain

Would never be heard of or witnessed again

Then a quick gust of wind
caught the hem of her dress

And tossed the dear fossil
straight over the edge.

The pages came free, one
by one, all in sequence

And fluttered about, like
a flock of mad secrets.

- No! - Turn around, please! Turn
around. - No! I don't want to!

I can't just leave you here, can I?

Well, Daddy's never coming
back, you piece of shit!

Hugo, you come back here! Come back
here now! What's happened to you?

- So, you didn't notice anything unusual?
- Is there something wrong?

It just seems like it was
quite a hefty impact.

Yeah, that's probably because of
the chair. Sorry, I forgot to say.

What chair?

Just there was a chair on the floor,

so it's probably the
height that she fell from,

which explains the nature
of the injury to her skull.

What was she doing on a chair?

Maybe looking at an interesting
pattern in the ceiling

or perhaps a spider.

Was she putting something in her hatch?

Might have been hoarding another crow.

Or she could have been
getting something out of it.

- It's a sort of cupboard.
- What would she want from a cupboard?

Well, I'm guessing, a quilt
or a plate or something.

Why would she need a plate?

Just to look at it, you know.

Take it out, put it back in again...

recreationally.

- Your nose is bleeding.
- Is it? Hm.

- Strange. - She had dementia as well.
So... - Exactly, good point, Amy.

That's why she was up there,
cos she was as mad as a hoop.

She had IBS too.

- Yeah, perhaps not relevant.
- It's not relevant.

Yeah, nice one, Donald, really helpful.

We have a few more tests to run,

but it is quite a severe haemorrhage.

So, just to give you some warning,

the prognosis is looking pretty poor.

Are you saying that to make
it sound worse than it is,

- so that we don't...?
- No, I'm not doing that, no.

OK, so, for insurance purposes...

- That's not what I'm doing.
- She's not doing that, no.

Right, so, what is it... 50/50?

- It's not 50/50, no.
- So...

- It's very close to zero.
- Right.

Sorry, I just realised something,
do you write the Grubbs books?

- Er... yeah. - Oh! - I do.

My daughter loves The Acorn Conundrum.

Ah, well, yeah, that's a fun one.

- You're taller than I thought you would be.
- Yes, I am, yeah.

Sorry, is that all, Doctor?

Because my mother-in-law
is dying, if you remember.

Sorry, yes, I'm sorry.

Might be an idea for some of you
to go home and get some rest.

Perhaps pop in first thing in the morning.

No, thank you. We'll all be staying
here with Nanna, thank you.

- That's completely up to you.
- Yes, it is up to us, yes.

And that's what we're saying we will do.

- It's absolutely fine.
- Yes, thanks, you said that.

- I'll see you shortly.
- Thank you. - Thank you.

So, is she going to die soon?

Quite soon, yes.

Have I got time to get a coffee?

Yes, let's go.

Ha!

Oh, what's going on?

Hello?

- Ah, Maurice! - Yes? - What's going
on? - Uh, I'm just drinking a coffee.

- You all right?
- Yeah, why?

Well, you're forgetting about
chairs, your nose is bleeding

and you're a ridiculously big cup of
coffee in the middle of the night.

Well, I'm drinking it BECAUSE
it's the middle of the night.

To be honest, I don't know
why it's so big either,

- but that's not my fault.
- We should have a family meeting.

- About what? - I don't know,
that's why we should have a meeting.

You want to have a meeting to
decide what to have a meeting about?

Of course I don't. Why do you always
have to twist everything I say?

I'm just going to check on Shun.

Yes, you go and do that for a change.
Go and talk to the one person

who can't actually speak English.
And enjoy your reservoir of coffee!

- Shun! - So strange, Mr
Flowers, put nearly ?100 in here,

- still not working.
- Yep. That's because it's broken, Shun.

Probably, yeah.

- How is Grandmother? - Yeah, she's
not good, I'm afraid. - Oh, dear.

Look, I need you to do something for me.

- I need you to hide
something for me. - OK.

- It's a kind of a lasso. Do you know
what that is? - Yes, mango juice.

No, that's not... You're thinking
of a lassi, a sort of yoghurt-y...

- Yes, very delicious.
- Yeah, yeah, it's not that. This is a noose.

- Ah, chocolate mousse? Delicious.
- No, no, it's not delicious.

- Not mango juice either?
- No, back to square one.

- Ah, yes, square one!
- It's a rope. It's a hangman's rope.

- I hate you! - Shh!
- What's happening? - Quick.

- 'Why are we hiding?
- 'I'll tell you later.

'Is it wasp? Did you see a wasp?'

Old Nanna, we thought you'd
live forever. How wrong we were.

I wish there was something
I could invent to save you,

but there's no time.

- Why are you staring at me?
- I'm not.

- What's the matter? - She's
fucking staring at me. - Amy?

Amy. Amy!

Mum, please, don't start doing the thing

where you just say my
name over and over again

in slightly different ways,
because it doesn't help.

- I'm so sad about Nanna.
- Oh, there. Sh-shh.

Just flop your tit in his
mouth and be done with it.

- Oh, Amy!
- Stop saying my name!

OK, where shall I hide suicide
weapon? Bathroom cupboard?

Why would you hide it in
the bathroom cupboard?

I think nobody will
check bathroom cupboard.

- Just nail clipper and vagina cream.
- No, just get rid of it completely.

Mr Flowers, such enormous shame.

- Are you OK? Tell me truth.
- Yes. Well, no.

I suppose what I'm saying is,
I don't want to talk about it.

OK. I will make you
very happy straightaway.

Little joke.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, humour. Erm...

English joke, let me think.

- Knock, knock...
- Who's there?

- Postman.
- Postman who?

- I have your letter.
- What?

- English joke makes you happy.
- It doesn't make sense.

Yes, you're happy?

- Maurice, Chin! - Oh, yes. - Ha!

Hi, why are you here?

We're here to support you, of course,

didn't want to end the
evening on such a dour note.

- We can go if it's inconvenient.
- Is Deborah around?

Yes.

- I told you this was a stupid idea.
- Come on, I love hospitals.

Sorry!

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.

- What are you doing here?
- I don't know. My dad's being really weird.

Sorry.

- Snot.
- Yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

People die all the time, don't they? So...

it's literally fine.

Amy, is that you?

Oh, shit.

- Can you just...? - OK,
why? - Sorry, it's just...

I'm coming in!

- How are you doing?
- OK, thanks.

- Do you want me to give you a hug?
- No, I'm all right, thank you.

We must love each other.

Mum, can you just let me
leave the toilet, please?

Not until you let me give you a hug.

- Well, we're going to be here for ages then.
- I'm going to hug you.

- No, thanks. - Come here. - No.

- Just get off!
- No, come on.

Why are you so strong?!

Just let me hug you.

Aw! My sweet, little, sensitive squiggle.

You're just a sweet little
squish, really, aren't you?

- Is that better?
- Yep.

English grandmother, never die.

There you are!

Deborah, you grieving fox!

- Everybody's here.
- Oh, hello again, George.

I brought you something to
say sorry about, you know...

She's not dead yet, as I keep saying.

Well, in advance, and to
apologise about the party.

I don't want you to think you
can't recommend me clients

just because of a little altercation.

I should've ignored the strange builder.

He was trying to cause trouble.

I just don't like seeing
people be rude, that's all.

- Who's that? - That's
Barry. - Hello, Deborah.

I was just saying, actually,

it might be best if everyone went home.

There's no need to be polite,
Maurice. We're happy to stay.

Shall we? Lighten the mood a bit.
I'm sure you could do with some.

Yes, why not?

Shun, you could give Barry a lift home.

Or I could stay here with
you. Show my support as well.

Well, it's quite a small room.

I'm not sure how many of us are allowed.

- He won't be staying long either.
- Depends how strong this absinthe is!

Or perhaps the simplest
thing is just for people who

aren't actually in our family to go home.

Well, there's no point standing
around moping, is there?

Not talking about anything.

- Maurice, un petit peu? - No,
thanks. - Maybe for Grandma, then.

- She can join in the party!
- I love gallows humour.

- Barry, can you go home at least?
- Oh, yeah, I understand.

- I'll... I'll leave you in peace.
- Shun? Could you?

Absolute pleasure. No problem, Mr Flowers.

I'll be thinking of you, Deborah.

Everybody, hopefully
grandmother survive. Good luck!

Shun, could I have a word?

(Can you get rid of the noose?)

Maurice, what are you doing?

Just, er, giving Shun
directions out of the hospital.

- Quite tricky.
- Why do you need to whisper directions?

Lord, have mercy on this
sweet lady, Harriet Flower.

Singer, dancer, abandoned spouse

to magician and Lothario Felix Flower.

Let her survive by the
power of your healing.

Or, if she does perish, let her
be filled with joy in Heaven

with a sound mind and lithe body
like her daughter-in-law, Deborah.

And let her enjoy multiple fulfilling...

I have to take five, actually.

.. sexual relations with
the most handsome angels.

Hi. I was wondering if the
Flower family have checked in.

This is a hospital, not a hotel.

No, sorry, I mean, just, erm,
if they're here, actually.

Hugo, stop that, please! I'm so sorry.

You see, that's the thing about grief.

It's an incredibly sexual emotion.

- I'm just going to check on Maurice.
- Of course. I'll look after Nana.

- Oh! Oh! Deborah. - Oh, Barbara.
Now's not a good time. - Is she OK?

No, she's about to die, actually,
so a bit of privacy would be...

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

It's just I really need
to talk to you about Hugo.

Barbara, I don't care about your divorce.

It's not about that, actually, Deborah.

It's... it's Maurice.

I don't really know how
to say this, but...

Hugo's drawn a really worrying
picture about something called

- a magic snake.
- What?!

And there's a man on it who
looks exactly like Maurice.

Am I cursed?

Maurice?

He's right there.

Maurice!

Come here this instant.

Hugo.

Barbara.

What are you doing?

- Just getting a Clunk.
- Yeah, bit of sugar.

I'll get them.

I've been saving money for
emergencies since I was three,

so it's no problem.

- Abigail? Clunk?
- Thanks.

Two Clunks and a Milky Finger, please.

I was crying loads earlier.
Just an emotional guy, I guess.

As well as resourceful.

Amy was just saying that you guys
are thinking of moving out together.

I'm holding out for a strong
wife, to be honest, Abigail.

In fact, I was thinking...

How would you feel about
being my date to the funeral?

You don't have dates at a funeral.

Donald!

- You don't recognise me, do you?
- Fat Matilda?

Not fat any more, but... yeah.

This is my beautiful neighbour, Abigail.

- Woo! Nice to meet
you. - Hi. - Violin One.

- Hi, Matilda. - Violin
Two. - Are you a clown now?

What do you mean?

Just kidding. Yes, I am. Obviously.

It's quite a scary look.

Oh, no, this is... drink-driving.

- Oh. - Went through the
windscreen. Stupid, really.

Long day of humiliating work, so...

What about you guys?

- Come here often?
- Our nan had a fall, actually.

Oh, that's not good.
So what are you up to?

- Chatting up girls?
- I'm his sister.

- Yeah, but... you know
what I mean? - Look...

I know you've always had a thing for me,

but now is not the time
to be trying it on.

- For one thing, my nan's about to die.
- Oh, right -- sorry.

I didn't realise it was like that.

Well, it is like that, Fat Matilda.

And also I have a really
hot neighbour at the moment,

so even if you are a little less fat,

- you kind of have to get in line. - OK.

Just thought I'd say hello, that's all.

- Shouldn't you be sorting
your face out? - Yeah.

Bit of a wait. Anyway,
it was nice to see you.

Fuck off touching my shoulder.

Hope everything's all right with your nan.

Bye!

Sorry about that.

- He's even got a beard.
- Yes, he has, hasn't he?

It just looks so much like a penis.

Yeah. No, I can see that it's...
it's pretty incriminating.

We're keen to help you
get to the bottom of this.

Yeah, absolutely.

But children do have
quite vivid imaginations.

- Why is he imagining that, though?
- It's a good point.

As in, er, sorry. I don't
know. You know what I mean.

- Maurice, can we have a quick
word, please, in private? - Yeah.

Why is there a picture of you
holding a cock and balls?

- I don't know. - Well, you
better know, because that mother

- is going to call the police.
- OK.

Before I tell you, I need
you to promise to be calm.

How are you managing
to make this about me?

- I'm not the one in the fucking
picture, am I? - OK, but just...

I have a feeling you're not going
to like what I'm about to say.

- We should be in there saying
goodbye to your mother. - I know that.

- So hurry up, please.
- I panicked.

Mum was on the floor and Hugo was
there and he was holding... a thing,

that I didn't want anyone to know about.

I want to know about it immediately.

- Well, OK, but first,
can I just say...? - No!

Just tell me what's going on!

It's a noose, basically.

- It's a noose. That's how she
died. She was trying to... - What?

It's a prop my dad used to
use in his magic act with Mum.

- Stupid trick.
- What are you talking about?

I didn't want Hugo to be traumatised.

So I told him it was a magic snake

because that's what my
mum used to call it.

I'm sorry I didn't...

I didn't want you to be upset.
That's why I didn't tell you.

- Oh, this is awful.
- I know.

- That's why...
- She was trying to hang herself?

Why would she do that?

Ummm... I don't know.

Oh, this is awful. I feel sick.

This is awful and you were
carrying this all on your own.

- Why didn't you just tell me?
- I don't know.

And that's how she fell off the chair?

Erm... yeah.

- This is just awful. - I know,
it's really bad. - Poor Nana.

She couldn't tell us how she
was feeling cos she was mad.

Arrgh!

Owwww!

OK, Maurice, it's all right.
Don't get angry with yourself.

- It's not your fault.
- Yeah. Thanks. Shit.

And thank you for telling me.
I understand why you didn't.

And it was very good of you to
try and protect us and Nana,

but we have to deal with these
things together, OK? Between us.

I, erm, I didn't do anything...

Don't tell me she's just died

while we've been talking
to fucking Barbara!

As Nana Grubb gasped her terminal breath

Mr Grubb paled at the cause of her death

He gathered her bones
and felt his heart wilt

Too weak to endure the
sheer heat of his guilt.

Going to a funeral today, Audrey.

Reminded me of your funeral.

And I just wanted to let you
know that I miss you every day,

think about you constantly,

especially in the bath.

But I... I need your help now, Audrey,

because... oh, I know you always said

I should just do what makes me happy,

but the truth is...

.. I'm in love with another woman.

And she has a husband and a family.

I haven't really got
anyone else to talk to.

I just wanted to be honest
with you, I suppose,

because I...

.. I don't know what to do.

Anyway, I've brought you
some more cheese on toast.

There.

And... a little...

And dah-dah! Your favourite.

There you are, pickle.

Digging up noose. My gosh!

Mrs Flower's gone completely mad.

I know...

I just need a bit of time to
work out how to play this.

I think too late if after
funeral, Mr Flowers.

It might be too late already.

- What are you doing?
- Give you power.

Have you found it?

Well done.

Are you ready, then?

Now, what we're about to tell you
may seem like an awful, awful thing

and in almost every sense, it is, erm...

But what we want you to understand
is that we can learn from this,

and we can try to make
this the happy household

that it should be from now on.

So today, we're going to be all
smiles and I'm going to make

a particular effort, because I feel like

it's... it's more my fault
than anybody else's.

Maurice?

So...

Dad?

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

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