All language subtitles for Empty Nest s04e16 The Mismatchmaker.eng

Thanks, Phil.

Well, let's see
what the toy companies

a-pushin' on us today.

Doctor bones.

Oh, I like it.

A doctor that won't talk back
unless I pull his string.

Good morning, stork legs.

Good morning, Laverne.

Good morning, doctor.

Your coffee's ready. Ah, thanks.

Just the way I like
my coffee... ready.

Bottle of beer. Bottle of beer.
Bottle of beer.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Laverne, please.

Now, this is a doctor's office.

You're right.

Bottle of pills. Bottle of pills.
Bottle of pills.

- Hi, Harry.
- Arthur, how are you?

How are things at the lab?

Oh, business is booming.
We're swimming in blood.

Oh, sounds lovely.

Laverne,
how's my favorite nurse,

still Southern?

Breaker, breaker,
for beaver squeezer,

you got the wild Turkey,
gobble, gobble, come on.

I guess so.

Harry, I got to talk to you.
I need a favor.

Sure. Sure. Come. Come. Come.

Oh, my back.
I hate being our age.

Everything starts to go.

By the way, you look terrible.

Ah, thanks.

It's always a pleasure
to see you too.

Listen, Harry.

We've known each other
for 25 years.

Do you think of me
as a bitter man?

Absolutely.

Yeah, but, you understand

that it's a generalized
bitterness.

It's sort of like
a quirky personality trait.

Sure. And if other people
understood that,

you'd have more friends
than just me.

Arthur, what's the favor?

Women.

They suck the lifeblood
out of you

until your head
is in your shoes.

Arthur, careful with my frog.

I'm sorry.

So, come on, what's the favor?

I got to get to work soon.
Anne and I split up.

Oh, gah, Arthur.

That's terrible. What happened?

Ah, it was a lot of things,

but we realized
there really wasn't that much

holding us together
after the kids moved out.

I wouldn't know that feeling.

She was always angry at me.

Something about me
never listening to her.

I think that's what she said.

Geez, Arthur, you guys were
always my favorite couple.

Man, all the laughs
we've had together.

Are you sure
this can't be patched up?

Nah. And it's a shame, I mean,

we invested
all that time fighting,

and now, it's all
gonna go to waste.

Well, I really
feel awful about this,

but you, you must be broken up.

Eh.

That bad, huh?

All right. Come on.
What's the favor? It's yours.

Well, the place
I'm supposed to move into

won't be ready
for a few days and, uh,

I was wondering if maybe
I could stay with you?

I can always do a hotel.

No. No. Arthur, of course...

Of course you'll stay with me.

This is a shock. I mean, Anne.

I really like Anne.
She's... she's one-of-a-kind.

Of course she's one-of-a-kind,

that's because two of her

would upset the balance
of world peace.

Nuclear weapons would be armed,

missiles would be launched,

poison gas would fill the air.

Arthur. Arthur, it's a $40 frog.

Here, strangle a $10 mouse.

okay.

Arthur's room
is all ready for tonight.

It's nice and neat.
Thank you, dear.

I hardly believe you can make
Arthur's room look neat.

When to get into your room,

we have to use the jaws of life.

Oh yeah?

Hold on. Girls, do me a favor?

Change the subject.
Fine with me.

Oh, Carol.
Do you know a good caterer?

I'm a good caterer,
what's this all about?

I'm organizing
a retirement party

for one of the sweetest
guys on the force.

So, why don't you ask me?

Because I want it to be right.

I know what kind of
wuss food you make.

Barbara, I need the work.

I'm a month behind
on my rent at the shop.

They're going to repossess
my steam table.

I can make cop food.
Please, give me the job.

- Nope.
- I'm your sister.

Why won't you hire me?
Because I hate you.

Well, I hate you too,
but we're family.

Carol, dear.

I know how much
you need the job,

but think, think.

If she's doing the hiring,
she's going to be your boss.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Me, boss. You, lackey.

Sounds good. You're hired.

Me, boss. Me, boss.

Yes. What do you think, daddy?

Me, frightened.

Hi, daddy. Where's Arthur?

He's upstairs
changing for dinner.

God, I hate this whole
business of divorce.

I mean, people just give up
so easily nowadays.

Well, maybe
he doesn't want to try.

I don't think
he knows what he wants.

I love the guy.
He's in a lot of pain.

He just won't show it.

Well, maybe he can get Carol
to show it for him.

Perhaps I could
draw him out, Barbara.

Show him some empathy.
Some sympathy.

Concepts that someone
with the emotional range

of daffy duck
wouldn't understand.

All right. Girls,
just treat him like the Arthur

you've always known. Here we go.

Hi, Artie.

Hello, Arthur.

You poor, poor, miserable soul.

Back atcha.

I know just how you feel.

I understand from experience
the inner turmoil

one suffers when going through
the throes of a divorce.

You're doing empathy
and sympathy, right?

- Well, yes.
- Well, cut it out.

It's depressing.

Ha!

Hey, and you,
don't make fun of your sister.

Now, I want to talk
to your dad alone.

Both of you, out.

Arthur, would you like to
live here like, say, forever?

No.

Look, Harry, I don't want
to go out to dinner tonight.

I'm glad to hear that.

Maybe what you should be doing

is thinking of ways
to fix things up with Anne.

It's never too late.

I want you to take me
to some place

where I can meet single women.

Ah! Now that's the way
you should be... what?

Harry, look,
my marriage is over,

and it's been 25 years
since I've dated anybody.

I'm rusty. So, I need your help.

Please. For me?

Don't make
puppy dog eyes, Arthur.

I hate it when
you make puppy dog eyes.

Don't do that. I'm not...

All right. I'll take you.

Well, it looks...

Promising?

Yeah. Guys on one side,
girls on the other side,

looks like a junior
high school dance.

Well, it serves you right.

You wouldn't have to
go through this, Arthur,

if you and Anne would at least
try to get back together.

I'm nervous.

People don't respond to me
when I first meet them.

I come off
all bitter and crusty.

You are bitter and crusty.

Now, just, all right, relax.

Just try to take the edge
off your personality.

We'll get through this.
Where do we start?

There.

Let's do it.

- Remember, no edge.
- Right.

Huh?

Oh! Hi, I'm Arthur.
Friendly Arthur Mitchell.

And this is Harry Weston.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Nice to meet you.
I'm Fran, this is Louise.

- Oh, please, sit.
- Thank you.

So, what brings you
to a singles club?

I'm looking to buy linoleum,
why else would I be here?

Great, great start.

Arthur's here to meet women

as lovely and as intelligent
as the two of you.

Oh, you're quite charming.

Me? No, I'm not,
he's the charming one.

What's that smell?

I mean, that's very nice
perfume you're wearing.

Thank you.

So, Harry, what do you do
for a living?

Practically nothing.

Oh, you're being modest,
I'm sure.

No. No. Arthur,
on the other hand,

owns one of the most successful

diagnostic laboratories
in Miami.

Really?
That must be fascinating.

Well, if you like
being up to your neck

in stool samples.

All right, Charley. Time to go.

Barbara and I have
business to discuss.

I'm the boss. He can stay.

Fine.

Way to go, boss.

Shut your mouth, imbecile.

Can she talk to me like that?

- No.
-
na-na-na-na-na.

Now, I've prepared a list
of potential entrees

that we've agreed on.

This isn't what we agreed on.

Soy burgers? Turkey dogs?

And what in the world
is imitation bacon?

It's made out of fish.

It tastes the same,
it just smells different.

Charley, what do you think
of Carol's menu?

I've seen people
heave better stuff than this.

You want to impress
your friends?

I got to guy on the ship,
he does things with lunch meat...

Charley, stay out of this.

Carol, do you have a problem
doing it my way?

No. But, why does everything
have to be

so pedestrian and boring and...
and stupid?

Thank you, Charley. Stupid.

Stupid. Now, ya gone too far.

- I've had enough.
- Me too.

If you can't do it my way,
you're fired.

Fired?
My own sister is firing me?

Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Charley, what's the name
of your lunch meat man?

Stinky.

You're going to listen
to this cretin

and hire someone named stinky?

It's a cool name.

You tell stinky
I want to see him

first thing in the morning.

Barbara, please don't do this.

I really need this job.

Well, I might reconsider
if you apologize.

All right. I'll do this
anyway you want,

I apologize.

What about me?

Did you hear
how she talked to me?

That's right. Charley too.

Apologize to Charley? Never!

Oh, what's that I hear?
Why, it's a truck.

Backing up to repossess
your steam table.

Okay, Charley. I'm sorry.

That's not good enough.

Now, apologize for every mean
thing you've ever said to him.

Barbara, that is not fair.

How bad do you want this job?

All right, Charley.

I'm sorry for everything
I ever said to you.

Like you mean it.
From the heart.

Charley, I'm sorry

if I ever hurt
your feelings in the past.

Satisfied, Charley?

This is great.

I got to record this
for posterity.

Wait a second while
I get my video camera.

Charley, you live that way.

Yeah, but the camera's
hidden in your shower.

I am not giving Anne
any damn flowers.

Arthur, will you
do it for me, please?

Come on, just do it. Okay.

Harry.

Hey.

You.

Here. I think they're dead.

You must've been
staring at them.

Maybe I should try
that with you sometime.

Ask us in, Anne. Come on,
remember, you promised.

Right. Come in, Harry.

Oh, and you too, Artie.

Sit.

Drinks before dinner?
Yeah, some red wine?

How about you, Artie? The usual?

Yeah, a shot and a beer.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm fresh out.

You'll have wine too.
I hate wine.

I know.

Be right back.

Harry, why am I here?

Because you would rather
work things out

with your wife of 21 years
than just throw it all away.

Really?

Arthur, come on, I can't
believe it's not possible.

Harry, I don't think
you want to believe it.

Two red wines, and for me,
a shot and a beer.

I'll get my own, dear.

Is the liquor cabinet
still in the kitchen,

or have you moved it
to the bedroom?

The kitchen.

But if I had moved it
to the bedroom,

it would've been the first thing

that moved in there
in the past five years.

Aw, I used to move in there.

I used to run away.

How do you think
it's going, Harry?

Smoothly. Very, very smoothly.

- Good morning, Laverne.
- Morning, doctor.

Morning, doctor.

I hope I don't have to
give this one to the kids.

I am havin' a ball.

You wanted to see me, Harry?

Arthur, I've been
worried about you.

Where were you this morning?

I got up real early,

and I drove out
to a secluded spot

where Anne and I used to park
back in the '60s,

and I just sat in the car
and thought.

And?

And, I've decided I can't
root for the dolphins anymore.

I mean, they break my heart
every year.

Don shula has to go.

Arthur, Anne called me
this morning.

She wants me to
come over tonight to talk.

I think she realizes
the stupidity of this breakup.

Now, is it okay with you
if I go and talk with her?

I don't know.

I'm not sure
what's right anymore.

Then let me talk with her.

- Okay.
- All right.

I'll see you back at my place

after I'm finished with Anne.

Thanks, Harry.
I appreciate you trying to help.

Well, not really.

I wish bunky would hurry up
and finish his speech,

they're starving out there.

And that is the story
of my 24th year on the force.

This brings me to
my 25th year on the force.

It was snowing that December.

Oh, no, I was watching
"white Christmas".

Anyway, there I was...

Food! Food!

Food! Food!

Look's nice, doesn't it?

Yes. I just hope
everything goes right.

Bunky's so sweet.

I want him to have the best.

- Do you like the flowers?
- They're beautiful.

- The presentation?
- Excellent.

- So, everything's perfect?
- Yes, perfect.

Good. I quit.

- What?
- Boys, pack it up.

- Carol, what are you doing?
- What am I doing?

You shouldn't
have made me grovel

in front of Charley, Barbara.
Revenge is sweet.

Ready to eat.
Boy, that looks good.

I'm...
- not now, bunky.

Please, Carol, don't quit.

Well, well.
Perhaps you'd like to

grovel a bit to get me back?

No way.

Uh, about the food.

I'm getting some pressure from...

- Back off, bunky.
- When I...

Carol, please. I am in charge.

I'll be a laughing stock.
Not if you grovel.

All right. All right.

I'll grovel.
Uhuh-uh-uh, not yet.

Now, you can grovel.

Please, Carol, don't quit.

You're the best
caterer in Florida.

I need more.

Tell everyone what happened

the time you saw
your first dead body.

- No!
- Barbara.

I won't do it.

All right, 86 the cake.

All right. All right.

I threw up on the coroner.
I can't hear you.

I threw up on the coroner!

Very good.
I'll be right with you.

Well, couldn't I have
a small piece of the...

that didn't feel
so great, did it?

No.

Now I know how
you felt with Charley.

I'm sorry, Carol.

It just that sometimes,
you make me so crazy.

Well, believe it or not,

sometimes you make me crazy too.

Well, we're sisters.

If we don't make
each other crazy,

how are we going to know
we're related?

I guess maybe we both went
a little too far.

Well, now that that's settled,

let's give bunky
the party he deserves.

What happened?
Where is everybody?

They were starving. They left.

Oh, bunky, I'm sorry.
This is terrible.

The same thing
happened to me in '73.

It was snowing that December.

Or, was I watching
miracle on 34th street?

I had just arrested a guy
for jaywalking...

Harry, how are you?

I'm fine, dear. Thanks.

Welcome to the house
with one less egg to fry.

Anne...

Anne, I've known you

almost as long as
I've known Arthur.

Now what happened
to you two, dear?

What went wrong?

I'll tell you
what I told my mother.

I caught him cheating on me.

Arthur was cheating on you?

No, but it worked for my mother.

Everybody wants a reason.

There is no one reason.
You never really know why.

And it doesn't really matter.

Oh, hell, Harry.

I shouldn't have asked you over.

There's no chance
for me and Artie.

Oh, don't say that, Anne.

Come on, there's got to be
something we can do.

You know, of all our friends,

you have always been the most
sensitive and understanding.

I've never had that in my life.

You really care, don't you?

Of course, I care.

So, how about it, Harry?

How 'bout what?

You know.

This couch folds into a bed.

Oh, don't let it do that.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

We've all been friends
for so long.

I mean, you wouldn't want
to hurt Arthur that bad,

- would you?
- Sure I would.

No, no, no.

We'd... we'd both be sorry.

This... this...
This wouldn't be right.

Well, I gave it a shot.

You're such a good friend,
Harry.

You too, dear.

Listen, are you sure
there isn't something

you want me to tell Arthur?

Well, actually there is.

It's very personal,
but I'll trust you to tell him.

And I'll tell him
with as much feeling as I can.

Good.

Tell him he left his grecian
formula in the shower.

I knew it! He always denied it.

I knew it!
Grecian formula Artie.

- Harry.
- Oh.

Thought you were asleep.
Weird dream I had.

I was in the ring
with George foreman,

getting my butt kicked,
and suddenly he turns into Anne.

They have similar builds.

And I knocked her out
with an upper cut.

Oh, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Anne said no, right?
She feels like I do.

That's it. That's
the whole story, honestly.

So, what's the rest
of the story?

No, I said,
that's the whole story.

Yeah. But,
you also said, honestly.

Whenever somebody
says that in a sentence,

I know they're lying.

No. No. This...

- Where is he?
- He's right here.

Arthur, we've got to stop
playing this like children.

It's time that you and I talked

without Harry in the middle.

I don't mind
being in the middle.

Harry, please. You're annoying.

It's over, Artie. Isn't it?

- Yeah.
- I love you.

- I just can't stand you.
- Ditto.

It's strange about
the love thing, isn't it?

It's like gum, you just
can't scrape it off.

I'm sorry it's come to this.

I just hate to see it happen.

Yeah, well, you can
put away the violin.

No, I feel like
I let you guys down.

What are you talking about?

You made us see
how disgusting it would be

if we got back together again.

She's right.

First time in years,
but she's right.

No, really. I mean,
you speeded up the process.

You saved us a lot of pain.

Yeah, but I just...

I wanted it all
to work out great.

I wanted to bring you
back together, you know.

I wanted to see you guys...
shut up, Harry.

You know, Anne, I haven't
felt this good in years.

Come on, let's go out
and have a drink.

Oh! Great! So you are?

You're getting back together?

No. We're having a drink.

Well, I mean, I really feel
like I failed here.

For god's sakes, get a life.

Dreyfuss, turn that TV off!

Do you know what time it is?

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