All language subtitles for Empty Nest s04e03 Her Cheatin Heart

♪ Life goes on and so do we ♪

♪ Just how we do it
is no mystery ♪

♪ Sometimes the answer
can be hard to find ♪

♪ Hard to find

♪ that's something
I will never be ♪

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ anything you need

♪ rain or shine,
I'll be the one ♪

♪ To share it all
as life goes on ♪

♪ We share it all

♪ as life goes on

hey, mister fly.

You're rubbin'
your hands together.

You'd better be a-prayin',

'cause I am
your worst nightmare!

Hey.

Hey, yourself.

What is it?
Oh, you left this mornin'

before I had a chance
to say good-bye.

I thought Mae
if you couldn't say good-bye,

you wouldn't leave.

Laverne, how many times
we got to over this?

I'm a baseball player.
That's what I do.

I can't help I got to go
to fort lauderdale to do it.

Right, only you don't have
to play in these charity games.

You choose to.

You'd rather play baseball
than be with me.

Come on, baby, there's
gonna be celebrities there!

This is just an excuse

to get out of takin' me to
the medical center dinner dance.

Oh, baby, I hate to dance.

Now, I've always hated to dance.

I used to pretend to love to
dance, 'cause you love to dance.

Well, I liked things
a lot better

when you was still pretendin'.

Okay, I can pretend,

just as soon as you start doin'
the things you used to do.

You name one thing I used to do

that I don't do anymore.

- We...
- You watch your mouth.

This is a pediatrician's office.

Ah, Nick!

How's the game going?

Oldest guy in the minors.

Hey, doctor,
would you do me a favor?

Sure thing.

I'm goin' out of town
for a few days.

I'd like you to look
after the missus here.

She'll be all alone.
Don't worry Nick.

I give you my word,

I will keep my eye on your wife.

You keep your eye on the ball.

Why is everyone
always tellin' me that?

Well, now, gotta pack.

Gotta remember to take
my lucky shoelaces.

Nick, don't you
want to kiss me good-bye?

Well, damn, hon, why didn't
you just say somethin'?

I-I just put a fresh chaw in.

I'm sorry, baby.

Bye.

- Laverne, everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.

I just don't get to go
to the thing tonight.

- Why not?
- 'Cause Nick's out of town.

Laverne, if you want to go
tonight, just go.

Well, twist my arm.

Well, I'll be there.

What else you got?

Oh, don't be silly, Donald.
Of course I can cook.

I'm just not the kind of girl
who does it on the first date.

That's all.

Anyway, you'll see when you come
to dinner Friday night.

Bye-bye.

Carol, look what I found
in the garage...

Our headdresses
from camp wee-ma-wok!

Oh, Barbara!
Remember our Indian names?

You were "swims like a fish."

And you were
"stays in her tent."

And do you remember
our camp song?

Both: ♪ a-wee-ma-wok,
a-wee-ma-wok, a-wee-ma-wok ♪

♪ You wee-ma-wok,
we often talk ♪

♪ A-wee-ma-wok, a-wee-ma-wok ♪

♪ A-wee-ma-wok

yes!

Oh, I just loved
camp wee-ma-wok.

That was the summer
I had my first big crush

on Gordon d'amico...
Do you remember?

Yeah.

I always felt a little guilty
stealing him away from you.

What are you talking about?

You didn't
steal him away from me.

He had to leave camp because
his entire family was killed.

In a freak summer avalanche?

In las Vegas!

Oh, Barbara,
surely you didn't believe

that ridiculous story
I cooked up.

Well, of course, I did.
I was ten years old.

Well, he was there
the whole time.

You know, I think it made it
even more romantic,

the two of us sneaking around
so that you wouldn't see him.

And you fell for it
like a ton of bricks.

All this time, you've been
making me look like a fool.

I even wrote
a folk song about it

for the high-school talent show.

I remember... jackpot of tears.

Fine, Carol.

You just go ahead and laugh,

but you better watch your back,
because I plan to get revenge.

Could be today.

Could be tomorrow.

Could be the next day.

Could be Monday.

Could be Tuesday. Could be...

okay, okay, I get it. I get it.

Could be a week from Thursday.

You know, will,

I've been treating kids
for 25 years,

and one thing never changes...

Raisins up the nose.

They all do it.
We don't know why.

Oh, hi, y'all. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, Laverne,
you remember will comstock.

He used to be our sales rep
from belle kirk.

That must've been
before my time.

Well, if we'd have met
I'd of remembered.

Well, anyway, Laverne Todd,
will comstock.

You know, will's
from the south too.

- Oh.
- Greenville, Tennessee.

Harry, come settle a bet
for us over here.

- Excuse me, dear.
- Please sit down.

Oh. Thank you.

So, uh, you're from Tennessee.

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you know dizzy Pratt?

Well, I-i can't say I do.

He does this impression
of a chicken in a windstorm.

But it's his brother Izzy
what's the real cutup.

He can put an entire rabbit
in his mouth.

He come down for hickory days
once drivin' this, uh...

I'm sorry. I'm probably...
I'm probably borin' you.

No, no, not at all.

I'm... I'm hanging
on your every word.

- You are?
- Sure.

You were sayin'?

I'm married.

That is, I've been married.

I'm just now sayin' it.

Me too, me too.
My wife, Kathy's great.

You'd like her.

Only problem is,
she's gone a lot.

She's a flight attendant.
Oh, really?

Yeah.

You know, I always thought
I'd be real good at that.

"In case of sudden loss
of cabin pressure,

put your head between your legs
and kiss your butt good-bye."

Oh.

You are somethin'.

Uh, my husband, Nick...
He's somethin' too.

I-I mean, he's a ballplayer.

Oh, he must be
on the road a lot.

Oh, yeah, but I'm used to it.

I mean, you know, it's not like

we're a couple
of newlyweds or anything.

I mean, we still
love each other.

We definitely
still love each other.

We do...

Definitely.

Of course...
Of course, the problem

with my wife traveling
and everything

is that I just have to go
to all these things alone.

I never get to dance.
Oh, you like to dance?

Oh, sure.
Hey, how about it, hmm?

- Dance?
- Yeah.

- With you?
- Oh, yeah.

- No, I couldn't.
- Oh, come on.

Laverne, go ahead.
It's just a dance.

- It's just a dance.
- Well...

Laverne, go ahead.
I told Nick I'd look after you.

Have a good time.

Oh, what the hell?

It is just a dance.

Why did I do it?

Why did I do it?
Why did I do it?

I am a Scarlet woman.

What are you talking about?

I danced with another man.

And I enjoyed it.

Well, of course you did.
You love to dance.

Will's a great dancer.

So it's only natural
you enjoyed it.

But I'm a married woman.

There's only one thing to do.
I'm gonna call Nick.

I'm gonna make
a clean breast of it.

Hello. Nick Todd, please.

Well, get him
out of the showers.

This is his wife a-callin'.

He'll be hurt and disappointed,
but in the long run,

our marriage will grow stronger.

At least I hope so,
'cause plan "b" is the convent,

and I look like hell
in a wimple.

Laverne, don't you think
you're overreacting?

I mean, this was all
completely aboveboard.

You danced with the guy.
You didn't do anything.

Hi, Nick, darlin'.
How's those a-games goin'?

Did you meet
any big celebrities?

Baby, what are you doin'?

You just pulled me
out of my lucky shower.

What lucky shower?

I took a shower
at this exact time yesterday,

and I got two hits
off Jessica tandy.

Well... well, I'm sorry, honey.

I just called,
'cause I wanted to tell you

that I went to the thing
last night,

and I danced...

With a man.

Hell baby, I don't care
if you danced with k.D. Lang.

I got to get back in the shower.

Dang, where's my lucky wash rag?

- I got to go, baby.
- - Bye.

- Well, what did he say?
- Nothin'. He didn't care.

See there?
Everything's fine, Laverne.

You just have
an overactive conscience.

Yeah, I-i guess you're right.

- Good morning, ma'am.
- Hi, will.

- Hi.
- Uh, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just
in the neighborhood,

and I-i figured after all
your fancy footwork last night,

you might've worked up
an appetite.

If your husband's
still out of town,

maybe you'd like to have
dinner tomorrow?

No, I-i don't think so.

I mean, you know, people
might get the wrong impression.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

I-I just figured
we both have to eat.

But it was a stupid idea.
I-i take it back.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm sorry.

I mean, maybe
the doctor's right.

I do have
an overactive conscience.

I mean, it is just dinner.
We both have to eat.

- And it's no fun alone.
- Well...

so, I'll make reservations,

and I'll call you later
and tell you where.

Okay, then.

I'll see you tomorrow night.
Yeah, see you tomorrow night.

Don't worry, Nick.
I'll keep an eye on the wife.

Barbara?

Are you home?

Where is she, dreyfuss?
What is she up to?

I know she's plotting
some sort of terrible revenge.

What do you think?

Wait a minute.

You could be in on this too.

Barbara, what are you doing?

- Fixing my motorcycle.
- Oh.

Wait a minute.
Weren't you fixing it last week?

It's taking
an awfully long time.

I know, my car!

You're going after my hyundai,
my beautiful hyundai!

Hi, westonettes.

Carol, I brought you a present.

- A what?
- A present.

You remember
your set of pottery bowls,

the ones I broke
doing my dirty magic tricks?

And I said I'd replace them,
and you said, "when pigs fly."

- Well, I did.
- You flew?

No, I replaced your bowls.

I couldn't find the exact ones,

but Barbara said
you'd like these even better.

Aha. You put him up to this.

Go ahead, open it.

Why is it so light?

Well, open it and find out.

Oh, no. Suddenly
it all makes sense to me.

It's my sweet 16 party
all over again.

"Barbara gave me
this can of peanut brittle,"

"and these horrible
paper snakes sprang out,"

and I wet my bell-bottoms.

Well, I am not falling
for that old trick again.

I fell for an old trick once.

But I digress.

Aren't you gonna open it?

You're both awfully eager
to see me open that, aren't you?

Carol, I'm trying to be nice.

Now, shut up
and open the damn thing.

- Just open it.
- All right.

Oops.

Hey!

That cost me
7 1/2 million cuzaros.

Oh, no, I thought paper snakes
were gonna jump out again.

Get real.
Paper snakes are nothing

compared to what
I'm gonna do to you.

What? What, Barbara?
Please tell me.

Please tell me. What?

Jeez.

She really busted my bowls.

5:00, quittin' time!

Head 'em up, move 'em out!

So you're still going
on that date with will?

I told you, it's not a date.

Sorry, I forgot.
It's not a date.

Sounds like a date,
but it's not a date.

You know, I don't get you.

A couple of days ago, you wanted
me to have fun with will.

Anyway, it doesn't matter...

Because it's not a date.

You didn't expect me
to wear my uniform.

Laverne,
ever since you made this...

Thing that's not a date,
although I know...

Now, maybe it's none
of my business,

but I-i care about you, dear,

and I feel responsible, after
I'm the one who convinced you

that this was all
completely harmless.

And you were right.
It's all completely aboveboard.

Laverne,
I was talking about dancing

at a business function
with lots of witnesses.

Well, it doesn't matter,

because, anyway,
it's not a date.

Then why are you
dressed up like that?

Why are you making a kissy face?

Doctor Weston,
I appreciate your concern,

but this is me, Laverne,
you're talkin' to.

I'm not gonna do anything bad.

What's so wrong with wantin'
to be with somebody

who thinks I'm funny
and beautiful and...

Okay, I'll say it
straight out...

S-e-x-y.

Laverne, I just want you to
think this thing through here.

If you're having problems
with Nick,

then you work them out
with Nick.

Marriage is a series
of hills and valleys.

And that concludes
today's broadcast of sermonette.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sam? Sam eckert?

Laverne Todd?

Yeah. Mrs. eckert,
how are you...

Aren't Mrs. eckert.

Caught.

But then I guess you are too.

I won't tell if you won't.

What the hell is
that supposed to mean?

Laverne... Oh, you look great!

- Oh, uh, this old thing?
- Mmm.

And you smell good.

Ah, thank you.

Would you care for a drink?

Uh, no, thanks.
I think I'll have a drink first.

What?

Anyway, I'm just glad
that you could make it.

I wasn't sure
you were gonna show up.

You know, it's funny
you should say that,

because the doctor and I
were talkin' this afternoon,

and he said
the most interesting thing

about me meetin' you.

Of course, I assured him
that my intentions

were completely innocent...

Much in the same way that your
large, manly hand on mine

is just a gesture
of platonic friendship.

Oh, my lord,
the doctor was right.

Uh, good-bye, will.

Say hello to your wife for me.

Well, Laverne, where you goin'?

Okay if I give you a call?

That's for what
you's thinkin' about me.

And this is for your wife.

I know I don't look
my best, dreyfuss.

It's all Barbara's fault.

She knew this date with tom
was important to me,

and thanks
to her childish threats,

I've had no sleep whatsoever.

Oh, my god.
I look like morley safer.

Tom.

Carol...

You look different.

Come in, come in.

Daddy's out,
and Barbara's at work,

so we have the whole house
to ourselves.

Oh, really?

Barbara,
what are you doing home?

Got off early.

That's odd. She knew I was
cooking dinner for you,

and she said
she was working late.

Would you get off of me?
I'm trying to think.

- Sorry.
- Uh, these were in the oven.

I thought they were gonna burn.

- Thanks.
- Yes, thank you, Barbara.

Later.

Well, shall we?

It's shrimp quiche.
It's my own recipe.

Barbara hates it, but...

Wait a minute. Of course.

Don't eat that!

It may have been tampered with.

Tampered with... right.
Carol, are you okay?

Perfectly. It's my sister.

She's the sick one.

Barbara.

Look, tom...

I didn't want to involve you
in this, but...

Well, you see, my sister Barbara
is out to get me.

She will stop at nothing.
Really?

And she seemed so nice.
Whose side are you on?

Nobody's.
Why are you getting so crazy?

Crazy?

Me?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, I get it now.

This is a gaslight thing,
isn't it?

You and Barbara are in cahoots,
and I'm...

Ingrid bergman.

What are you talking about?

When you called last night,
Barbara answered the phone.

You talked to her, didn't you?

- Yeah, but I...
- Can it, buster. The jig's up.

Get out of here. Get out.

And don't even
think of coming back!

Where's tom?

It's all over, Barbara.

You win.

Thanks to you, you have ruined
my first decent date

since "the hands
across America" rally.

Now you have your revenge.
Are you satisfied?

- That wasn't my revenge.
- It wasn't?

No.

It's gonna be bigger, huge.

Oh, no, Barbara.

Please, please don't.
Not bigger.

I don't think I could take it.

Ah, got ya!

What the...?

This?

This is your revenge...
A whoopee cushion?

I told you it was gonna be big!

What kind of a stupid moron

would use
a whoopee cushion for revenge?

The kind that got you good.

You are
the most juvenile little...

You just can't get enough,
can you?

Thank you.

Where's Nick? I drove up here
all the way from Miami.

I gotta talk to him.

He's up at bat.

Well, that won't take long.

Strike one!

Strike two!

Strike three!

So that's the game.

Hey, Nick, I saw
the end of the game.

Oh, Laverne, of all the times

for you to come down
and see me play...

That don ameche's got
one hell of a breaking ball.

Well, you did
the best you could.

Hell, we all make mistakes,
even me.

Nick, I have
a confession to make.

I lusted in my heart,
but thank god,

I stopped it before it got
to the rest of my body.

Say you'll forgive me.

Nick?

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
I guess I wasn't listenin'.

What did you...

Whoa!

You look good.

Really?

Oh, I mean, goo-ood.

Oh, I knew it.

It's been a long time since
you looked at me that way.

Oh, I've been missin'
a lot, baby.

Well, we both have.

But from now on,
instead of lookin' for love

in all the wrong places,

I'm gonna keep
a bird in my hand.

Well, that didn't come out
exactly right,

but the gist is, you are my man,
and you always will be.

Well, hell, baby,
ain't all your fault.

Now, marriage
is a two-way street.

I can change too.

From now on,
if you want to dance,

then dance I will.

Oh, Nick.

By the way, did I tell you
you look good?

I don't believe you did.

Come on, Nick, let's go home.

Oh, okay, baby.

Hold on, I got to get
my lucky glove.

You ain't going to need that
to get lucky tonight.