All language subtitles for Empty Nest s04e01 50 Men and a Baby.com

♪ Life goes on and so do we ♪

♪ Just how we do it
is no mystery ♪

♪ One by one - ♪ one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ we find a thousand
different ways ♪

♪ Sometimes the answer
can be hard to find ♪

♪ Hard to find

♪ that's something
I will never be ♪

♪ I'm always here
for anything you need ♪

♪ Anything you need

♪ rain or shine,
I'll be the one ♪

♪ To share it all
as life goes on ♪

♪ We share it all
as life goes on ♪

He did what?

He did what?

Come on, joette,
he's workin' in the morgue.

How can he be datin'
one of his patients?

I hate those soap operas.

So then what happened?

Well, let me know tomorrow.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Huh.
- Hi, Laverne.

Wanda sue, what are you
doin' down here?

Darlin', let me look at you.

How's that by girl of yourn?

She must be
such a big girl by now.

Madonna?

Comin' on four months old.

Oh, where does the time get to?

Before you know it,
she'll be out of high school.

Before you know it,
I'll be out of high school.

Now, ain't that somethin'?

How's married life?

Lonny still treatin' you
like a newlywed?

Well, that's kind of
the reason I'm here.

We had this fight,
and lonny took off.

He thinks he can boss me around

just because he started shavin'.

Well, I need some help
around the house too.

I mean, I know he's tired

when he gets home
from McDonald's.

Well, that's what you get
when you married a career man.

When he put that ninja turtle
ring on your finger,

that meant
for better or for worse.

I love him so.

Chicklet?

No, I'm fine.

Oh, Laverne, what am I gonna do?

- Oh, honey.
- I've got to find him

and bring him home!

Oh, honey.

Do you have a tissue?

Well, sure. Now, honey,
just take it easy, now. You...

You and lonny
are so young, honey.

You just gonna have

to give it some time,
that's all.

Where's my tissues?

Where's my tissues?

Give it a little time.

Doctor Weston, I want you
to meet my cousin, Wanda.

I'd love to. Where is she?

Wanda!

- Wanda!
- Oh, is this hers, here?

Gee.

What the heck is that?

Well, if you
have to ask me that,

you must be the dumbest
pediatrician

on the face of the earth.

Have a good day?

I didn't get the promotion
to sergeant.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, I scored highest
on the test.

I have seniority.

Carol, I've got to do some
rethinking about my career.

Well, it's sexism,
pure and simple.

I mean, why do they always
ignore women.

Women are smarter, they're...
They're more sensitive.

They're better under pressure.

Carol, the one
who be me out is a woman.

That slut.

I wish she hadn't pinned
the note to the diaper.

"Please don't be mad at me,
Laverne."

Too late for that.

Oh, she wants me
to watch the baby

while she goes
a-lookin' for lonny.

Well, take the afternoon off,
if you need to.

Well, I've got to go
after Wanda.

Somebody else is gonna
have to watch Madonna.

Would love to do it, Laverne,

but I've got that speech
at the fundraiser.

I can't get out of that.

Well, how about
Barbara and Carol?

You think they'd watch her?

I don't know about Barbara.

Carol might do it,
if she's free.

She's free.

Maybe she needs changing again.

I've changed her
three times already.

Then feed her.

Why, so we can change her again?

Oh, if only she'd fall asleep,

but she just doesn't seem tired.

Of course she's not tired.

I've been doing
every little thing for her.

She hasn't lifted a finger.

Oh, why does she have to
carry on like that?

Because she's
in a strange house,

in a strange bed,
and she misses her mommy.

Sounds like my honeymoon.

Let's see what the doctor Spock
tape has to say.

Wait a minute.

She's falling asleep.

Thank god.

Maybe this will calm her down.

No, Barbara, not like that.

You have to test it first

to see if it's
the right temperature.

Seems okay to me.

Not like that.

Hi, girls!

Oh, daddy,
I'm so glad you're home.

We can't get the baby
to go to sleep,

and she won't stop crying.

She just needs
an expert's touch, dear.

Here, give her to me,
give her to me.

Give me the baby!
Oh, yeah, little baby!

Whoa, pretty girl Madonna!

Ah.

Woo! Look at you, huh?

Nothing wrong with you,
huh, sweetheart?

You just miss your mommy,
don't you?

All you need
is some professional magic

from doctor Harry.

Here you go.

You know there's
a crying baby in here?

Yeah, Charles,
we're aware of that.

I had a tongue in my ear.

I could still hear
the kid screaming.

- We can't get her to stop.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, give her here.
I don't think so.

You never know.

Come on, I know how to get
a woman to stop crying.

Okay, I'll marry ya.

Every time.

I know under all those tears,
there's a sweet little angel.

Boy! This Spock guy knows a
lot about babies for a vulcan.

Daddy, there must be
something you can do.

What did you do with us
when we used to cry?

I called your mother.

No, no, I remember
what I used to do!

I used to sing to you.

Here, here,
give me a try at this.

♪ Davy Davy Crockett
king of the wild frontier ♪

It's working.

All: ♪ Davy, Davy Crockett
king of the wild frontier ♪

I can't thank you enough
for takin' care of Madonna.

Really kept us entertained.
She's got quite a personality.

Cried all night, huh?

It wasn't so bad.

I hope everything
is straightened out

with your husband.

Oh, yeah,
they worked it all out.

He's gonna stay home,

face his responsibilities
like a man,

and she's gonna buy him
his own Nintendo.

Come on, Wanda.

Well, thank you all, again.

You're very welcome, dear.

- Bye.
- Bye, bye.

Bye, bye. Bye, bye, Madonna!

Laverne, I'll see you
at the office.

Oh, well. Ha, ha.

Glad the baby's
back with her mommy.

I mean, she was cute and all,
but what a night.

I'll never forget it
as long as I live.

Ah, sweetie, you're exhausted.

You've got to get
some sleep, baby.

- Yeah.
- No, come on,

there's nothing
to be upset about.

No, daddy, I'm not upset.

I'm happy!
Well, we're all happy.

It's finally quiet around here.

No, I'm happy

because I know what
I want to do with my life.

I'm going to have a baby!

You're going to...
You're going to have a what?

A baby, daddy. She said
she wants to have a baby.

You want to have a what?

A baby!
I'm going to have a baby.

Barbara, aren't you
kind of rushing things, dear?

You're, you're, I mean,
you're not even married.

Well, daddy, the idea
that a woman has to be married

to be a parent
is an antiquated notion.

Oh, really?
Uh, you approve of this?

Well, I'm not sure.

I mean, on the one hand,
there's no reason

why a responsible adult woman
shouldn't have a child,

if she wants to.

On the other hand,
we're talking about Barbara.

Barbara, having children
is a major commitment.

I mean, they're going to be
with you a very long time:

18, 19...

30 years!

I've thought about that.

This is crazy.

Why are we even
talking about this?

It's nonsense.
It's out of the question.

Daddy, I know how I feel.
I'm ready to be a mother.

Well, I'm not.

No kidding? A baby?

Can I borrow it?

Borrow it?

Yeah! Single ladies
walking in the park,

that kid will be like a worm
to a starved trout.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, listen to this.

Southeast journal of medicine.

There is a two-year waiting list
for adoptive babies,

and preference is usually given
to married couples.

So you see, dear,
it's not all that easy.

I'm not going to
adopt a baby, daddy.

Oh, thank god!

I'm glad you finally
came to your senses.

I'm going to have my own baby.

You're going to have
your own baby?

Who... who... who's gonna be
the father?

- An anonymous donor.
- Ooh, well...

My accountant said
I need to make

more donations this year,
so... Allow me.

Charley, charity begins at home,

so go home and get started.

Now, let me get this straight.

Are you telling me
that you are considering...

that's right,
artificial insemination.

I have a list of
sperm banks right here.

We've done a lot of research
on the subject, daddy.

It's safe, easy.

It's about like
having your appendix out.

Yes, but you don't have to
send your appendix to college.

Barbara, having children
is dangerous and difficult work.

That's why parents
usually travel in pairs.

Well, I don't see why
I should obligate some guy

for the rest of his life

just because I need him
for an hour.

An hour?

Daddy, this is something
I really want.

Why can't you just accept that?

I guess I'm old-fashioned.

I always expected my daughters

to become unwed mothers
in the conventional way.

You, you talk to your sister.

Are you in favor of this?

Well, daddy, for Barbara,
I think it's great.

I mean, I guess
I'm old-fashioned too.

I don't want to have children
until Mr. right comes along,

or Mr. almost anybody.

An hour?

Come on, you, you, you know
how impulsive your sister is.

Remember the motorcycle?

Had to have it, couldn't wait,

dragged me down to the showroom,
made me co-sign for the note.

What happened?
She rode it for a week.

It's been in the garage
under a tarp ever since.

- Who was that?
- The department.

There's another
sergeant spot opening up,

so they're going to review
my test scores.

Oh, baby, that's great!

That's what you've
always wanted!

No, I told them not to bother.

I'm just going to keep working
on the assignment I have,

and that'll leave me
more time for the baby.

So, it's the motorcycle
all over again, isn't it?

What?

I'll tell you one thing, missy.

No matter what, you're not
going to put that baby

in my garage,
and throw a tarp over it.

How in the world is she
gonna take care of a baby?

You're her father.
Why didn't you talk to her?

Laverne, she's a grown woman

with every right
to make her own decisions.

For me to interfere
would have been presumptuous,

and an invasion of her privacy.

She wouldn't listen to you, huh?

It's like talking to a wall.

Well, what makes you think
she's gonna listen to me?

You're scary, Laverne.

- Good point.
- Listen to me.

You just tell her
about all those single,

worn out mothers
you see in here.

They're working all day,
up all night with the kids.

You know what I mean?
But be subtle, subtle.

Just kind of weave it
into the conversation.

All right.

How in the hell do you expect
to raise a child

and hold down a job, young lady?

A "hello" would have been nice.

That's the most touchin'
thing I ever heard.

What?

I mean, I've never
heard it explained

in quite those terms before.

What? What?

I can't thank you enough.

What? What?

I wanna have a baby!

All right, so this is,
uh, one of...

sperm bank, daddy.
It's a sperm bank.

Looks nice enough. Can I go now?

Daddy, I want you here.
Now sit down.

Oh.

Excuse me.

- Mm-hm?
- What do you do?

What do I do?

For a living. Your occupation.

- Oh, I'm a doctor.
- A doctor!

Him, I want him!
Put me down for him!

I don't think he's a donor.

Do you have sperm with you?

Not with me.

A donor? Donor?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I... i... I'm, I'm just,
I'm just along with them.

But, uh, but thanks for asking.

Hello, I'm doctor yardley.

Are you a recipient?

Not for quite a while.

Uh, I'm Barbara Weston.
We spoke on the phone.

Yes, of course.
Please come right in.

And this is my sister, Carol,

and my father,
doctor Harry Weston.

- Ah!
- A pleasure.

Sit, please.

Let me explain our facility.

All our sperm specimens
are kept frozen

in a specially-constructed
cold room.

This is extremely important,

both for the viability
of the specimen

and because I keep
my snickers bars in there.

That wasn't a joke.

Uh, how do I go about
choosing a donor?

Do you have a catalog
or something?

Well, perhaps if you could
give me some idea

of what you have in mind.

- Well I...
- I've, I've made a list.

Um, I was thinking
maybe a scientist,

say a physicist
or an astronomer.

Carol, do you mind?
This is my baby.

How about someone
like Andre agassi?

No, no! Mikhail baryshnikov.

- Please! Mel Gibson.
- Ralph nader.

Benny Goodman!

No, listen,
I've got it all right here.

IQ over 150, artistic talent,
good sense of humor,

a devotion to world peace,
and a millionaire.

My dear, if we had
anyone like that,

I'd want to bear his child.

Are you, are you really
going to go through with this?

Of course, I am.

The next step is for me
to ask you a few questions,

mostly having to do
with your health.

First, is there any history
of insanity in your family?

No! This is the first instance.

I'll get it!

Hello.

Hi, captain.

What good news?

I told you I wasn't
interested in the promotion.

I know.

No, I don't have
to think about it.

I've already made other plans.

This isn't what I want.

Yeah, I'll think about it.

They can't do this to me,
dreyfuss.

I have made up my mind.

I'm gonna have a baby,
and that's that.

Barbara, who was on the phone?

Barbara?

Barbara?

Can't talk, daddy. Gotta run.

Just wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where's Barbara? Did she hear
from the, you know,

the place with the frozen,
you know?

Sperm bank, daddy.
It's called a sperm bank.

And, yes, I think
she did hear from them.

She got a call
a couple of hours ago,

and she ran right out.

You mean, she's there now?

Yes! Isn't it exciting?

I'm going out now
to buy some toys

and games for the baby,
then I'm going to stop

and pick up an application
for the whitewood school.

It's simply the best
preschool in Miami, bar none,

and they've got
a three-year waiting list,

so we really have to move fast.

I've gotta go.

There's a meatloaf
in the freezer.

Bye, daddy! I can't believe it.

I'm going to be auntie Carol.

Meatloaf in the freezer.

I may never go
into that freezer again.

Well, dreyf, looks like
I'm going to be a grandfather.

I always wanted
to be a grandfather,

but, you know, I mean
the old-fashioned way,

fresh, not frozen.

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, yourself.

So, how are you feeling?
Good. Where's Carol?

Oh, she went shopping.

You hungry? There's a meatloaf
from the freezer...

Nah, we'll eat out.

No, I'm feeling kind of full.

Listen, daddy,
I've been thinking,

and I know you've been against
this baby thing all along.

Well, that's true.

I mean, that's...
I mean, I have been,

but, the bottom line is,
you have to be true to yourself.

And I've been riding around
on my motorcycle

for the last two hours,
trying to do just that.

Weren't you at the sperm bank?

Didn't they call before?

No, the only call I got
was from the department.

Daddy, they want
to make me sergeant!

Oh, that's great!

But, what about being a mother?

Well, they don't have that.

They only have sergeant,
lieutenant, captain...

come on! I'm serious.

Daddy, when they
called me this afternoon

and told me I made sergeant,
I didn't know what to do.

I mean, I really want to be
a mother.

But right now,
I want to be a sergeant more.

And I could lie to myself,
and I could say I could do both,

but that wouldn't be fair
to me or the baby.

You really have been thinking
about this, haven't you?

Yeah, a lot.

Barbara, baby,

look, my biggest objection
to this whole thing was

I didn't feel that you
were... Grown up enough

to be a mother.

But after hearing
what you just said,

I think you're grown up
enough to be anything,

even a sergeant.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, daddy.

You know, I never realized
how hard it was

to really be honest
with yourself.

Whoa, ho, ho, second hardest
thing in the world.

What's the first?

Breaking this to auntie Carol.