All language subtitles for Asylum s01e03 Public Relations.eng

All right, OK. We've got
some old bills in here.

Paid on time, but they should
really be in the green bin.

OK, headline. Dan Hern's ex doesn't
recycle. Yeah, that's no good.

OK. Um, all right, we have...

~ Oi! What are you doing?
~ It's not what you think!

I'm a journalist!

~ How does that make it better?
~ I don't know.

Are you the one who's been
phoning me and hanging up?

I was trying to get into your
voicemail! You kept answering!

You're the scum of the earth, you
lot! You're going through my bins!

Just tell me about Dan Hern!
You were together, yeah?

Just give me something,
anything, I need this.

You're telling me you've come to my
house, in the middle of the night,

~ because you want to print
shit about Dan Hern? ~ Yeah.

Come on in. I'll make you a cuppa.

There.

Done. Draft 29 of my manifesto.

Everything that I want to say about
freedom, information, life.

It took a bit of editing, but I've
finally got it down to 1,100 pages,

plus appendices.

Actually, do I really need
that Latin joke on page 79?

No, it's perfect. I'm finally going
to get the respect I deserve!

~ Am I in it?
~ No.

Are there any celebrities in it?

Well, that depends if you call a
certain Mr Noam Chomsky a celebrity?

~ Who is Noam Chomsky?
~ Then no.

Done. E-mailed to every
newspaper in the country.

Now we wait for the headlines
to come rolling in.

Dan! You made the papers!

Excellent.

"Freedom-hating terrorist
Dan Hern once bought a used

"DVD for a girlfriend's
birthday, claiming, 'Why not?

"'It's the same film either
way.'" This is bad. Daniel!

This is just trivia! This
isn't about my manifesto!

Says here you're going bald.

What, it says what?

They did a cartoon, it says, it
says that your hair is leaking!

Which is funny, because, well,
you know, you are a leaker,

and your hair is leaving your head!

I've had this hairline
since I was ten!

OK? It doesn't count as balding
if it's never even grown there.

Why, why focus on my hair?

I'm a good man, my manifesto
had some great ideas,

why they can't they print
a story about that?

"Nice Man Has Good Ideas." That's,
that's a great headline!

This is the press, isn't it?

You know, try and do something great,

they'll kick you with
something trivial.

Try and change the world, and they'll
print a story about how you

once bought some
battery-farmed eggs by accident.

Dan, you shouldn't do that.

I know!

~ Those poor chickens.
~ I said it was an accident!

Dan, if there was a law
against slander, I'd help.

~ But there isn't.
~ There is...

~ You need a good PR.
~ I can't afford a PR.

I'll organise a press conference.

You can tell the world about
your manifesto, face to face.

This works for both of us, Dan!

You get a PR, I get paid
twice. Cos, just between us,

I'm not getting much
law work any more.

Which I assume is due to being
tainted by your toxic brand.

Yeah. That'll probably it, yeah.

And at the front, The Sun,
The Mirror, Mail and Times.

I never thought I'd say this,
but this is actually competent.

~ Flattery will get you everywhere.
~ How did you do it?

Let's say I've got my ways.
Right, PR lesson two.

~ Put this on.
~ It's a poppy.

You don't hate Our Boys, do you?

~ It's March.
~ Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

I forgot Our Boys only fought
and died in November.

I forgot they weren't heroes
the rest of the year.

~ I should have some choice.
~ Did Our Boys get a choice, Dan?

Over whether they fought and died?

It's a bit more complex
than that, isn't it?

Wear it or you're a traitor!

OK! OK. Can I go in now?

Oh, wait!

Pop yourself in the chair.

~ I don't want to ask. But,
um, obviously I'm going to. ~ OK.

When I said, "I have my ways,"

I meant my way of getting them
here was by saying you're dying.

It's a great way to get sympathy.
It worked for that guy.

The Libyan guy.

Scottish prison, said he had
cancer so they let him go.

~ The Lockerbie bomber?!
~ Yeah.

You're suggesting I take PR advice
from the Lockerbie bomber?

Trust me, Dan.

If I know anything about PR,

it's that the tabloids never
pick on the weak and disabled.

Get in the chair!

Listen, Lorna, there is
no way on this earth that

I am getting in that chair and
feigning serious illness to

curry sympathy with a wolf pack
of blood-sucking journalists.

I've got principles.

OK, I've edited the algorithms

so that you are a 100%
match with everyone.

Amazing. Amazing.

I am going to get so
much action out of this.

So instead of going to
the press conference,

you're using the world's greatest
hacker to lie to women for you?

Still, it's something to do.

Please, continue.

My name is Daniel Hern,
and I am dying.

Please have mercy because of
how weak and pathetic I am,

cough, cough.

I'm like a baby or an old person.

Or a dog that's been run over
but it's still alive, just.

I'm not reading this.

As you can see, he barely
has energy to speak.

Dan will now be taking
questions. Yes, you.

Mimi Kempton-Stewart, Daily Express.

You're saying living in an
embassy might cause cancer?

~ Daniel doesn't have cancer.
~ But is there a link?

~ I didn't say that.
~ We'd love there to be a link.

Fine, whatever. Yes, you.

James Smither, Mail.

Mr Hern, how do you respond to your
ex-girlfriend's allegations that

you used to steal toilet rolls from
GCHQ instead of buying your own?

Not relevant, is it? no-one cares!

~ Well, the taxpayer cares, Mr Hern.
~ Next question! Next question.

Does Dan Hern have a comment on El
Rico's bid for the 2026 World Cup?

~ Daniel?
~ Yeah, yeah, actually I have got a question.

Can we talk about something that's
not unutterably trivial?

I just released the greatest work
of political thought for a generation, and not one of you said a word!

I'm a martyr to my cause. Every
day here is literally torture!

And none of you care.

What?!

These are all about how I'm
apparently being tortured!

Yeah. Your mistake there
was using the word torture.

It made them think of torture.

The Guardian are like, "He's
being tortured by foreigners."

The Mail are like, "He's being
tortured by FOREIGNERS."

Nothing about my manifesto!

Oh, hey! This one's good!

"Staying indoors could cause
cancer, says top lawyer."

That's going straight
on the business cards.

~ It doesn't even mention me!
~ Oh, I see, Daniel. It's like that, is it?

The old green-eyed monster.

Jealous because I'm in the paper
and you aren't. It's sad, really.

I can't believe they'd torture Dan!

You are with me 23 and
a half hours a day!

When have you ever seen
them torturing me?

It says... tortured.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Castillo.

Oh, shit!

Eva Mercedes is the Foreign Minister.

The eyes and ears of the President.

She is also the human incarnation
of Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies,

master of the legions of hell.

Senora Foreign Minister! May
I say what an honour it is to...

Ambassador Castillo!

Torturer-in-Chief! Did you think
this would help our World Cup bid?

Senor Hern. Senor Backslash.
Here is the situation.

El Rico has bid for every major sports
event for the past 40 years.

This year, we are bidding
again for the World Cup.

But Canada think they
can steal it from us,

with their already built stadiums
and hotels and transport network.

~ You don't even have stadiums?
~ We have this.

Oh. I see, you've drawn a stadium.
Yeah. Problem solved.

90,000 gleaming seats where
now are just horrible slums.

Where will all the slum people go?

They'll be so happy about the World
Cup, they won't care about houses.

But this means we do need you
to apologise, Senor Hern.

To put our World Cup
hopes back on track.

I didn't say anything! I've
got nothing to apologise for!

I'm not going to... I'm not going
to humiliate myself again

in front of the world, just so you
can host some sportsball tournament.

Ha-ha! "Sportsball." So witty.

Shut up! I'm not doing it.

I have a saying - "Never
apologise, never explain."

So, I'm sorry, but that's why
it's not going to happen.

You don't really have a choice.

Or what? You're going to torture me
into saying I'm not being tortured?

You're going to feed me shit
until I tell you it's lobster?

Daniel Hern is not
some dancing monkey!

He's not!

And I used to have a dancing
monkey in my mansion.

But then, one day, he just stopped
dancing. It was so sad.

Yeah! That!

Senor Backslash. Wait.
It is Ludo, si?

~ Yes.
~ Sit. Please.

I'm told you know all about computers.
You hacked the Pentagon?

Well, I was looking for UFOs, but
all I found was photos of Mr Reagan

and Lady Thatcher doing
special cuddles.

It's just, right now,

Canada are our main rival
for this World Cup bid.

And they beat us in
almost every category.

There is only thing
they don't beat us at.

Deaths from bear attacks.

Bear attacks?

Every day in Canada,

more than 2,000 Canadians
are killed in bear attacks.

Bear attacks?

It's a bigger killer of
Canadians than heart disease

and hockey riots combined.

~ Is that really true?
~ No.

But we want you to rig Googly so that

when people googly Canada,
they get bear attacks.

Bear attacks?

We're playing to our strengths.

It sounds a lot like a fib.

I'm not asking for me, Ludo.

I'm asking for the
children of El Rico.

They've never seen their
heroes at a World Cup.

Please, Ludo, do what
our footballers cannot.

Get us into an international
soccer tournament!

I can use my talents to
be a hero to children!

Just like Spider-Man!

Yeah.

If Spider-Man used his powers
to rig votes for world football

competitions.

Which he wouldn't, as his
powers are being a spider.

I wonder what the younger Ludo
would say if he could see me now?

"I'm so impressed, Old Ludo!"

Thank you, Young Ludo!

"Oh, great phone!"

Thanks, Young Ludo!

It contains technologies not yet
available in the times in which

you live.

"Do you have any advice
for me, Old Ludo?"

Yes, Young Ludo...

At which point did you completely
lose track of everything there?

~ Almost straightaway.
~ Why don't people care? Do they find it boring?

Dan, might I make a suggestion?

I'm not calling it a "Danifesto"!

Have you thought more
about celebrities?

I know Ariana Grande

is looking for a freedom fighter
to do a project with.

No, no, no, Ludo. This manifesto
stands on its own.

The only models I need are the economic
models on pages 343 to 411,

linking declining American
economic fortunes with

increased surveillance activity.

Ariana's not a model, she's a singer.

I don't really care.

See. Sit!

OK, Daniel. You know, Mercedes
is really busting my balls here.

What is it that you want
to make the apology?

Did I have to be dragged here?

Come on, Dan. You're English.
You've already won a World Cup.

You don't know what it's like
to have a team that never wins.

El Rico once gave a state
funeral to a guy, all

he ever did was win a corner!

And that was a deflection.

Well, OK, assuming my dignity is
for sale, what could you do for me?

We are prepared to make
a very generous offer.

Two tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

It's really good.

I'm trapped in this embassy by
an international arrest warrant.

OK. Fine. What about this?

MAKES TRUMPET NOISES

I've already seen that.

No, no, no, look!

"The Dan Hern Rico City Stadium".
A way of showing our appreciation.

We can get you as many
tickets as you like.

You won't still be here in 2026.

The British government
will definitely be

bored of you by then... probably.

Let me be clear. I HATE football.

If I had my way, I'd take all the
money that we spend on football

and I'd put it into something useful.

Like space exploration.

There are planets out there we still
haven't analysed bits of rock from!

When I think football, I think
freezing school showers,

I think tanked-up estate
agents in sweatshop shirts

yelling about vindaloo and I think
about how my leaks were second

story on News At Ten because Wayne
Ronaldo got himself a haircut.

So, no. I shall not be
apologising to anyone.

CHANTING: Free Dan Hearn!

So if you search for Canada, the
third result is bear attacks.

The Wikipedia page for Canada has
a bear attacks controversy bit,

and these are the
autocomplete suggestions.

Ludo, this is amazing. It's genius.

You are a genius!

Thanks, Mum!

I mean, thanks, nice lady.

But, Ludo, I'm afraid that Canada
is no longer the problem.

The protesters are back outside.

They think we are
torturing your friend.

We want you to change
the conversation.

Make something that, when people
mention your friend online,

it says,

"Hey! Why are we talking
so much about one man

"when there are so many
bear deaths in Canada?"

But it's good that people
are talking about Dan!

He is a hero!

I don't want to do this any more.

CHANTING: Free Dan Hern!

The atmosphere here is building

as people come together for one
reason. That reason? Dan Hern,

who's begging and pleading with
his El Rican keepers to stop

torturing him.

No comment! No comment. Move! Thank
you, trying to get through.

Thank you so much.

The celebrities are jumping
on board. They want to help!

God, I hate celebrities.

They did a charity single, Dan.
Half a million already saw it.

~ How many people?
~ Half a million, Dan! It's at number two in the charts!

How? What?

Not that I care, of course. You
know. Numbers don't matter.

~ The message matters.
~ It's a funny thing.

Ringo heard about the torture
and got in touch,

he wanted to talk to you,
I said no, of course,

because you hate celebrities,
you always said.

What, you fobbed off Ringo?!

Which is... Yeah, that's
fine. He'd be distracting.

So, he said he wanted to do
a single, he got Sir Paul,

the Gallaghers, Morrissey, Adele.

But then Bono heard someone was
doing something for charity,

wasn't to be upstaged, he
got Coldplay, Kate Bush,

but then they thought, "Hey,
it's all the same cause,"

so they came together and became
"Dan Aid", isn't it clever?

Well, like I said, the only
thing that matters to me

is being known for my thoughts.

Oh! And Newsnight called.

But they only wanted to talk
about the single. I said,

"No, if it's not his manifesto,
he is not interested."

Newsnight? Well, wait, wait!

Hang on, let's not be hasty.

No, Dan, you were right. People
have to take you seriously.

Yeah, you know, I hate celebrities,
and I wish there was some way

to get this horrible song I would
never have agreed to offline,

but there probably isn't, so, you
know, let's not bother trying.

We should probably just see if it
stays at number two, or goes lower.

Or higher, even.

~ Number one. That'd be awful.
~ Oh, my gosh.

I wanted to be a hero.

But not like this.

She's making me do things
I don't want to.

What would the Young Ludo
say if he could see me now?

"I hate you, Old Ludo! I
never want to be like you!

"I'm quitting computers for ever!
I'm going to become a fireman!"

Oh, no! Then I would never exist!

I'd vanish like in
Back To The Future!

I'm fading away!

You know, it's great to
finally be a hero again.

Maybe even a bit of a
celebrity in my own right.

You said you hated celebrities.

You said they were all vapid,
opinionless nobodies.

Yeah, I mean, I thought
that at first.

But maybe being a celebrity is
the best way to reach people.

Like Russell. You
know, Russell Brand?

Did films to get people's attention,

now everyone listens to him on a whole
range of really serious issues.

You called him "a used
condom with hair".

Well, I like him now, OK?

I assure you, the only torture
going on in here is the cooking!

No, you're right, this
is no laughing matter,

Mr Secretary-General.

I ordered chorizo. Not
pepperoni, not salami,

chorizo. Of course
I now the difference.

Do you know who you're talking
to? I'm a senior diplomat!

Put Papa John on the phone at once!

Our problem is not getting
better, it is getting worse.

It's time to unleash
the nuclear option.

Uh-oh.

Ludo! Hi! Come out of there.

I think I'd prefer to stay in here.

We have heard a rumour that
an important FIFA official has

certain interests. Certain interests
he might want to keep private.

If you know what I mean?

Yes, I know what you mean.

I mean, he like piss orgies
with prostitutes in blackface.

I didn't know what you mean.

Wait, he is in blackface
or the ladies in blackface?

Everyone. Everyone's in blackface.
There's a lot of blackface.

Anyway, if we were to receive
evidence of this,

then he might really start wanting
to vote for the El Rico bid.

You want me to blackface-mail him?

Ludo! Blackface-mail
is such an ugly word.

In fact, it's not really a word.

No, just get us into his
iCloud and then we will see

if he has any photographs.

This is too far! It is unethical.

Have you not heard
of the hackers' code?

All hackers are equal, never
use Internet Explorer,

stealing TV shows is completely fine,

and never leak naked pictures
of people who aren't actors!

But it's just a few keystrokes
for a genius like you, Ludo.

Come on, just one more time?

Actually, several more times, until
we get enough votes for a majority.

No, I won't, I won't do it!

Dan Hern taught me to stand
up for my principles.

This is all you get
from Ludo Backslash.

CHANTING: Free Dan Hearn!

Well, Senor Hern. You win.

I do?

We cannot force you to do an
apology. We cannot remove you.

We cannot do anything that
might seem like torture.

Ringo Starr would be
on us in a second.

Ludo, though, he has outgrown
his usefulness to us.

Maybe it's to time to think
about moving him on?

You mean... What? No, no,
no. He'd go to prison!

He wouldn't last ten
minutes, you know?

He still thinks his grandad went
to live on a farm with all

the other grandads!
They'd eat him alive!

But it's not me doing
this, is it, Senor Hern?

It's you.

You have until tomorrow.

CROWD HUMS

It's OK, Dan. I've decided.
I will go to prison for you.

Sure that's what you want to do?

It's the only way to be a true hero.

By standing up for what's right.

Being a hero takes many forms, Ludo.

There's the man writing a manifesto
that changes the world, or

it can be the man who goes to
prison to stop the first man

apologising for something
he didn't even really say.

In a way, Ludo, you're almost
as much of a hero as me.

And I'll be fine. I've seen
all the prison movies!

On the first day, I'll go
up to the biggest man there,

and punch him right in the face!

That's the way to make
them respect you.

Well, friend. This is goodbye.

You'll send on my Xbox?

Don't think you can
have Xboxes in prison.

PlayStation, then?

~ Mega Drive?
~ It's not allowed.

Game Boy?

This is what you want? Ludo gone,
just to avoid apologising?

~ It's a matter of principle.
~ What principle?

The principal that says I shouldn't
have to do anything I don't want to!

He won't survive in prison!

He says he'll be fine,
right? And I trust him.

I knew you were a coward.

Too scared to make one tiny
apology in front of a crowd

and a camera crew.

Are you really so vain?

This, this has nothing
to do with vanity!

This is about something much
more noble and important...

And did you say something
about a camera crew?

CHANTING: We want Dan!

Hello!

Thank you all for coming out.

Now, I'm here for two reasons.

One, to read from my manifesto.

But firstly, a quick apology, I was
never actually tortured at all,

I never even said I
was, I was misquoted.

No, no. Anyone who's
saying that is lying.

Sorry, fans, yeah.

Sorry, celebrities. Sorry, Bono.

But hopefully we can move past
that, so without further ado...

"The Manifesto of Daniel Hern.
Volume 1, Book 1, Chapter 1."

OK, you're leaving.

At least he made the apology.

Did you see it? Our sponsors
hate torture, yes.

But you know what else they hate?

They hate whiny freedom fighters
with nonsense manifestos! It's over.

~ We'll have to spend the stadium
money on... a hospital! ~ No!

Nobody remembers the ministers
who build hospitals.

War and sports, that's
all anyone cares about.

I ought to expel the pair of them!

Do it!

But...I will not.

Because then they would simply
go to prison, or just die.

But here... Here, I have
them. Under my control.

And I can turn their every
waking moment into torment.

I could help with that.

I can't believe they took your bed.

Well, no.

No, they took your bed.
This is really my bed.

No. It's my bed. I had bottom bunk.

It is touching the ground.

Well, actually no,

this is the highest bed there is,
therefore it's top by default.

Also, I was here first, so
if there's one bed, it's mine.

~ Pssst.
~ What?

Do you think we'll ever leave here?

Well, I don't know.

~ God, I don't know.
~ I hope not. I hope we stay here for ever.

My aunt Inga once had a saying.

She said, "Life is nothing but
a constant stream of liquid shit

"and if you can wring any
happiness from it at all,

"you must cling onto it with
both hands as hard as you can."

And I'm happy, aren't you?

Dan?

Dan?

Dan?

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