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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,698 # You must remember this 2 00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:14,334 # A kiss is still a kiss 3 00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:17,178 # A sigh is just a sigh 4 00:00:19,860 --> 00:00:23,535 # The fundamental things apply 5 00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:27,209 # As time goes by # 6 00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:34,574 How did the interview go? 7 00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:37,578 She picked so many holes in me I feel like an old cardigan. 8 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,417 Oh, dear. Sorry, Vikki. 9 00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:42,930 - "She's nice," you said. - Well, she usually is. 10 00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:47,451 Well, thanks for trying, but on the whole I think I'd sooner work for Genghis Khan. 11 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:51,129 - She is a bit out of sorts. - That's a bit? 12 00:00:51,180 --> 00:00:53,489 Look, I'll have a quiet word later. 13 00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:57,419 No, thank you. Suddenly, being unemployed has its compensations. 14 00:00:57,460 --> 00:01:00,497 Aww. Look, it's lunch in an hour. 15 00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:02,735 - Meet me over the road, eh? - OK. 16 00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:07,534 If you don't turn up, I'll look for you in the Jobcentre. 17 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,456 The good, the bad and the ugly. 18 00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,491 (Abruptly) Thank you. 19 00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:19,815 Vikki said she'd sooner work for Genghis Khan. 20 00:01:19,860 --> 00:01:22,658 I didn't know he ran a secretarial agency. 21 00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:26,253 I can feel your eyes boring into the top of my head. 22 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,860 - If you want to say something, say it. - All right. 23 00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:30,891 When are you and Lionel going to make up? 24 00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:34,569 Make up? We're not children playing in a playground. 25 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:36,656 Well, you're acting like it. 26 00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:38,770 My private life is none of your business. 27 00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:42,290 No. Look, just because he doesn't want to move into your house, 28 00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:46,458 and you don't want to move into his flat, it shouldn't keep you apart, should it? 29 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:50,732 - Well, it's certainly not bringing us together. - Why don't you phone him up? 30 00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:52,498 All right. Suit yourself. 31 00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:53,734 Thank you. 32 00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:02,530 - Hi, Sandy. - I'm thinking of joining the Royal Marines. 33 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,536 I'm going for the Foreign Legion. 34 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:07,652 You should have seen her with her cornflakes this morning. 35 00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:11,010 She chewed them like she was taking chunks out of Lionel's arm. 36 00:02:11,060 --> 00:02:12,459 Good luck. 37 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,491 Oh, how nice of you to drop in. 38 00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:18,577 I had a dentist appointment, if you remember? 39 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,134 - Oh. - I had a filling. 40 00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,577 I wish I'd stayed there. 41 00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:26,815 I wish I'd had a lot more fillings. 42 00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:30,136 - Without an anaesthetic. - Aren't you being rather excessive? 43 00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:34,093 - No, as a matter of fact, I don't think I am. - (Phone) 44 00:02:34,140 --> 00:02:36,210 Hello, Type For You, can I help? 45 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:39,775 Hello, Aunt Penny. Yes, I'm fine. 46 00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:43,976 No, I'm not just struggling through, I'm really fine. 47 00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:46,409 - Mum? Yes, she's fine too. - (Mouths) 48 00:02:46,460 --> 00:02:48,894 - Do you want to speak to her? - (Mouths) 49 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:53,889 Yes, she is, and she's telling me to get off the line, so I'll hand you over. 50 00:02:57,140 --> 00:03:00,018 Penny? Oh, how nice to hear you. 51 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,375 Yeah, I'm fine. Yes, really. 52 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,211 Lionel? Yes, he's fine. 53 00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:09,252 Really, yes. Yes, we're ab... 54 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:12,212 Yes, of course we are. Like a house on fire. 55 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,251 Yeah. 56 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:15,892 Hello? 57 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,497 Hello? 58 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,575 We got cut off. 59 00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:25,330 If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be sticking right out of that window by now. 60 00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:26,574 Oh! 61 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:31,692 Oh, Mum, why do you always have to tell her that your life is so perfect? 62 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:34,618 Cos she's always so bloody sure it isn't. 63 00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:38,938 If she can't refer to me as "poor Jean" every two minutes, she feels quite deprived. 64 00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:43,258 I assume that "like a house on fire" referred to you and Lionel? 65 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,858 - (Phone) - Oh. 66 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:48,609 Jean Pargetter. Oh, hello, Penny. 67 00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:50,651 Yes, the line went dead. 68 00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:53,856 What silly hotel switchboard? 69 00:03:56,180 --> 00:03:57,977 Ohhh. 70 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:00,659 You're in London? 71 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,691 Oh, how lovely. 72 00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:08,129 I have to say this. Your mothers' capable of being very stupid at times. 73 00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:09,249 I know, I know. 74 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:12,656 - What's so wrong with simply telling the truth? - Well, she does. 75 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,089 Huh. Like a house on fire! 76 00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:18,735 - Except to Aunt Penny, and she is Dad's sister. - Yeah, I know that. 77 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:21,772 Sorry, but that's the reason it gets so out of proportion. 78 00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:25,972 Ever since he died, she's been convinced that Mum can never find happiness again. 79 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:27,772 Well, she hasn't, has she? 80 00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:32,689 She was doing all right until you two acted like children about who moves in with who. 81 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,129 I bought those cushions, you know. 82 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:37,489 - What? - Soften the place up a bit. 83 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:43,975 Mum was throwing half her clothes away to make some wardrobe space for you. 84 00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:45,931 What do you actually want me to do? 85 00:04:45,980 --> 00:04:48,972 - Just help her. - What, tell a pack of lies? 86 00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:50,658 If you want to put it like that. 87 00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:53,009 Huh. There isn't any other way of putting it. 88 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,735 Aunt Penny and her incredibly boring husband are to turn up this evening 89 00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,533 and find Jean and me billing and cooing. 90 00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:01,332 - More or less. - Mm. 91 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:03,735 Which obviously needs my collusion. 92 00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:05,930 Look, Mum doesn't know I'm here. 93 00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:10,690 - I'm asking you. - Now you're being disarming. 94 00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,332 I know. 95 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,892 - What if I'm not there this evening? - Mum will lie. 96 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:20,334 Penny and Stephen think I'm a psychiatrist. 97 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:22,814 - I know. - She's responsible for that, as well. 98 00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:24,418 I know. 99 00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:28,533 All I said when we stayed down there was, "I don't want to talk about the book." 100 00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:31,572 - The next thing I know, I'm a psychiatrist! - I know. 101 00:05:33,140 --> 00:05:35,529 - I don't know. - Yes, you do. 102 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:38,731 - You can't let her down. - Oh-ho-ho, the way I feel... 103 00:05:38,780 --> 00:05:40,657 Oh, no, you can't. 104 00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:44,330 Tell her I'll be there. 105 00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,658 I could almost fall in love with you myself sometimes. 106 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:55,171 I think your mother's made life complicated enough for the moment, don't you? 107 00:05:57,340 --> 00:06:00,252 (Vikki) I'm surprised she even lets you have a lunch break. 108 00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:03,417 (Sandy) I keep telling you, you just caught her on a bad day. 109 00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:06,293 Seem to catch most people in my life on a bad day. 110 00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:10,492 - Oh, come on, Vikki. We've all had that... - Uh-oh. Genghis has come to get you. 111 00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:12,178 Shh! 112 00:06:15,380 --> 00:06:17,450 I'm sorry to interrupt. 113 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,138 Look, Miss Kyle. 114 00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:23,571 I won't excuse my behaviour to you this morning because it was totally inexcusable. 115 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:27,533 But I would like to apologise and do what I should have done in the first place, 116 00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:29,218 and that's put you on our books. 117 00:06:29,260 --> 00:06:31,216 I hope you're agreeable. 118 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,057 Very. Thank you. 119 00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:36,297 - Good. - I told you she's usually nice. 120 00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:42,979 Oh, er, just a thought. 121 00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:45,777 If you sprained an ankle, 122 00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:47,811 would you be admitted to hospital? 123 00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:51,136 Er... are you asking about my medical insurance? 124 00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:54,536 Oh, no. Not your ankle. Anybody's ankle. Just a casual thought. 125 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,378 Oh, erm... Oh, well, I don't really know. 126 00:06:57,420 --> 00:06:59,536 You certainly would if you broke an ankle. 127 00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,571 Yes, you would, wouldn't you? 128 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:04,651 Of course you would. 129 00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:07,417 Yes. 130 00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:13,213 Why did she ask about broken ankles? 131 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,489 I think I'll have a Danish pastry. 132 00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:19,931 Taxi! 133 00:07:28,860 --> 00:07:30,213 Drop you somewhere, miss? 134 00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:33,696 I don't believe you. Where did you come from? 135 00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:36,254 Weird thing, that. I was sitting in my office, 136 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:40,088 and this voice suddenly said, "Alistair. Alistair Deacon. 137 00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:43,177 "Somewhere out there is an angel in distress." 138 00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:46,178 - And here I am. - I don't believe a word of that. 139 00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:52,090 The other version is that I was on my way to Gatwick and there you were. Still magic, isn't it? 140 00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:56,018 - Where are you going? - Edinburgh. To see a Swede. 141 00:07:56,060 --> 00:08:00,019 - I thought Swedes came from Sweden. - Not this one. He's a golf freak. Hop in. 142 00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:02,574 Oh, thanks, but Edinburgh's not my direction. 143 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:05,054 Think positively. Why shouldn't it be? 144 00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:09,537 This guy won't take long. I'll do the biz, tell him there's still time to get a round in, 145 00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:11,457 and he'll be off like a Swedish shot. 146 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,730 Leaving the rest of the day for you and me. 147 00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:17,056 - Life's not like that. - It's supposed to be. 148 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:20,172 - I'm supposed to be at work. - Now, don't be dull. 149 00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:22,017 - I am tempted. - Excellent. 150 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,620 - When will we be back? - Tonight. 151 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:27,618 - Tomorrow. - I'm not sure that you're a good idea. 152 00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:30,732 Modesty forbids me commenting. Come on! 153 00:08:30,780 --> 00:08:32,498 Oh, why not? 154 00:08:32,540 --> 00:08:34,690 - I've earned it today. - Monster. 155 00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:36,731 Oh, I must phone Mum. 156 00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,179 Be my guest. 157 00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:48,211 (Phone) 158 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:53,578 Please be Penny. Please say you're not coming tonight. 159 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,417 - (Beep) - (Judith) Hi, Mum. 160 00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:58,213 I rang the office but Sandy said you'd gone home. 161 00:08:58,260 --> 00:09:02,697 Sorry I didn't come in this afternoon, but I met Alistair and we're going to Edinburghl 162 00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:05,129 - Oh. - (Alistair) With innocent intentions. 163 00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:09,696 (Judith) Shut up. Look, Mum, about Aunt Penny and Uncle Stephen this evening. 164 00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:13,096 - There's no need to worry, because... - (Static) 165 00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:15,131 Hello? Hello? 166 00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:19,776 Ohhh! Ohhh. 167 00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:27,655 May I help, sir? 168 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:30,612 Er, yes. I'm looking for something on psychiatry. 169 00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:33,697 I see. Any particular branch of same? 170 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,413 Good God, no, I don't want anything too complicated. 171 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,850 Just something that sets out some general terms of reference. 172 00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:43,973 - Preferably in about ten pages. - I don't think we have anything like that, sir. 173 00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:46,250 No, I didn't really think you would. 174 00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:49,417 I've got to bone up on it in about two hours, you see. 175 00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:52,258 (Chuckles) Two hours to bone up on psychiatry? 176 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,939 Yes. I'm supposed to be one. 177 00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:00,451 I see, sir. 178 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,378 No, you don't, actually. And it's far too long a story. 179 00:10:03,420 --> 00:10:05,490 This has been going on for some time? 180 00:10:05,540 --> 00:10:07,929 Mm. Far too long. 181 00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:11,290 And you wouldn't believe why I'm supposed to be one if I told you. 182 00:10:11,340 --> 00:10:13,137 You're not going to, are you, sir? 183 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,971 No. Well, thanks all the same. 184 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,653 I'll just bluff. If in doubt, bluff. 185 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,895 - Oh, good idea. - Yes. 186 00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:23,931 - Goodbye. - Goodbye, sir. 187 00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:28,531 Oh. Incidentally, have you sold many copies 188 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:31,538 of a book called My Life In Kenya by Lionel Hardcastle? 189 00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:34,333 - One or two, sir. - I see. 190 00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:38,009 I'm a big-game hunter on the cover of that. (Chuckles) 191 00:10:41,180 --> 00:10:42,659 Of course. 192 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:45,890 - (Doorbell) - Oh! 193 00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:47,931 Here we go. 194 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:59,209 - Oh! Penny. - Jean! How lovely to see you. 195 00:10:59,260 --> 00:11:01,615 Oh. You look rather drawn. 196 00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:04,174 - Doesn't she look drawn, Stephen? - Well... 197 00:11:04,220 --> 00:11:07,496 Of course she does. Now, where's that lovely man of yours? 198 00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:10,054 - Hello, Stephen. - I don't think you look drawn. 199 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,091 Oh, thank you. Do go in. 200 00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:15,816 So? Where is he? 201 00:11:15,860 --> 00:11:18,420 Come on, now, where are you hiding him? 202 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:20,849 - Lionel? - Well, of course Lionel. 203 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:24,495 - I'm not hiding him anywhere. He's not here. - This room's changed. 204 00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:27,737 Stephen, you say that about every room you walk into. 205 00:11:27,780 --> 00:11:29,498 There is something different. 206 00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:31,610 Oh, he's going to be like a dog with a bone. 207 00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:33,491 This. This wasn't here. 208 00:11:33,540 --> 00:11:36,850 No, no, You're quite right. It wasn't. It's Lionel's chair. 209 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:39,733 Oh, I see. But Lionel's not here. 210 00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,577 Er... not at the moment, no. 211 00:11:41,620 --> 00:11:43,736 Oh. Seeing a patient, presumably? 212 00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:46,419 - Er... no. - Actually, I've always wondered. 213 00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:50,009 Do psychiatrists call their patients "patients", or what? 214 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:51,857 So where is Lionel, Jean? 215 00:11:53,860 --> 00:11:56,420 Well... Well... 216 00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:59,054 - To tell you the truth... - (Penny) Oh, dear. 217 00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,536 - What? - Going to tell me something sad, aren't you? 218 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:05,492 I can see it in your face. Poor Jean. 219 00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:10,259 No, actually, not sad at all, just very unlucky. Lionel's broken his ankle. 220 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:12,097 - Poor old chap. - When? 221 00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:17,131 Today. He phoned, he went to casualty and they've admitted him overnight. 222 00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:20,058 - Poor old chap. - How did he break his ankle? 223 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,250 - Playing golf. - Poor old... 224 00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,894 Yeah, yeah, all right, Stephen, thanks. 225 00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:27,737 I didn't know he played golf. 226 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:31,216 Oh, yes, he can't get enough of it, he's absolutely mad about it. 227 00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:34,172 - Are you going back to Hampshire tonight? - Afraid not. 228 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,656 We've got to stay a couple of nights. I'm at a dental conference. 229 00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:40,533 Yes, all V boring. 230 00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:42,298 But I'm shopping. (Laughs) 231 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,217 I do hope were going to see Lionel. 232 00:12:44,260 --> 00:12:46,854 Well, that depends on things, obviously. 233 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,494 - What things? - Well, his ankle, mainly. 234 00:12:49,540 --> 00:12:51,974 - (Doorbell) - Ah, yes. 235 00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:55,695 Oh. Excuse me. Oh, will you help yourself to the drinks? 236 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:02,374 - Hello. - What are you doing here? 237 00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:05,331 Flying in the face of reason. 238 00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:07,735 Shh! Penny and Stephen are here. 239 00:13:07,780 --> 00:13:10,613 That's what I mean. Didn't Judith tell you I was coming? 240 00:13:10,660 --> 00:13:12,730 No. Oh, Lord. 241 00:13:12,780 --> 00:13:15,692 She left a message on the machine but it went peculiar. 242 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,412 I assume we'll be doing the same. 243 00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:20,250 - I am in rather deep. - Well, come on, then. 244 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,417 Let's pursue the fiction that two heads are better than one. 245 00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:25,815 - Oh, thanks for coming. - Thank Judith. 246 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,531 - Oh, wait. - What? 247 00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:31,571 You've broken an ankle. 248 00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:35,290 I suppose it's pointless to ask why? 249 00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,171 Well, I had to explain your absence. 250 00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:40,018 - You could have said I was out of the country. - I could. 251 00:13:40,060 --> 00:13:42,335 - But why go for the obvious? - Oh, just limp. 252 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,940 - Which leg? - I don't know! Just limp! 253 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,091 - Look who's here! - Oh! 254 00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,853 - Lionel! - Jean said you were in hospital. 255 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:56,210 Did she? Yes, well, I was, but they let me out. 256 00:13:56,260 --> 00:14:00,014 - Shouldn't you be on crutches or something? - Yes, he... he left them. 257 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:01,812 - Er... at the hospital. - Oh, yes. 258 00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:04,579 It wasn't broken after all. It was just a sprain. 259 00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:06,611 Oh, isn't that good news? 260 00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:09,538 - You'd better sit down, though. - Yes, I think I should. 261 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:10,774 - Oh, Stephen! - What? 262 00:14:10,820 --> 00:14:13,937 - Lionel's chair. - Yes. Oh, sorry. 263 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:16,938 - There. - Sit down. 264 00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:20,131 - Oh! - Oh. Aww. 265 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:23,013 - Put your foot up, love. - Thanks, love. 266 00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:28,095 - Ah. - Drink, love? 267 00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:31,131 Yes, I think I will. 268 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:35,411 - Lionel's glass. - (Penny) Aaah. Ha, ha. 269 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:38,258 So, how'd you do it, Lionel? Come off the swing? 270 00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,860 - Swing? - At golf. 271 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,775 Oh. No, I don't actually... 272 00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:47,735 ...remember, I just... - He just fell. 273 00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:49,133 - Yes. Fell. - Yes. 274 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:53,856 That's what I mean. You come off the swing at golf, you're certainly off-balance, thus. 275 00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:56,050 Oh, sorry. 276 00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,137 Stephen, do stop windmilling about. 277 00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,375 Heads will roll, presumably? 278 00:15:01,420 --> 00:15:03,411 - Whose heads? - At the hospital. 279 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:07,499 I mean, diagnosing a fracture and then it turning out to be a sprain. 280 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:11,579 I mean, as a psychiatrist, you must carry some sort of clout, presumably? 281 00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:15,295 - Yes, I suppose I must. - (Penny) Access to people upstairs? 282 00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:18,616 - Erm... - Lionel is not a vindictive man. 283 00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:21,572 He's too soft-hearted sometimes, aren't you, Lionel? 284 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,576 Yes, I suppose I must be. 285 00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:26,054 - Didn't know you were a golf nut. - Didn't you? 286 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,089 Where do you play? 287 00:15:27,140 --> 00:15:29,654 - Erm... - Please. Stop it immediately, you two. 288 00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:32,453 I find golf almost as boring as dentistry. 289 00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,616 Dentistry is a living. 290 00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:36,935 I'm aware of that, Stephen. 291 00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,653 But it's not an enlivening topic of conversation. 292 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,770 Whereas, psychiatry... 293 00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:44,050 Oh, yes. Fair dos, of course, yes. 294 00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:46,819 - The human mind, eh? - Yes, indeed. 295 00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:50,091 - Fascinating thing, isn't it? - Endlessly. 296 00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:53,769 Tell me, Lionel. Are you a Jungian at heart? 297 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:58,814 - Look, Penny, there's something I should... - Good heavens! I've just remembered. 298 00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:01,169 - I have a class tonight. - What sort of class? 299 00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:04,132 Judo. I've taken up judo, haven't I, Lionel? 300 00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:07,058 - Yes, she's taken up judo. - (Penny) How extraordinary. 301 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:10,809 And I have a class tonight. Soon! Went completely out of my mind. 302 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:13,772 - Lionel's ankle, I suppose. - Oh, yes. Oh, I'm sorry. 303 00:16:13,820 --> 00:16:18,177 Look, now, I do hope were going to spend one evening together whilst we're in London. 304 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:21,530 - Well, of course, we'd like to, but... - Tomorrow. 305 00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,377 Erm, let's make it tomorrow. 306 00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:26,412 (Penny) Oh, great, that'll suit us. (Stephen) Fine. 307 00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:29,816 - Tomorrow at eight, then. - We'll look forward to it. 308 00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:30,849 Oh. 309 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:34,131 You know, Jean, I still think you look a little drawn. 310 00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:38,253 But still, things do finally seem to have taken a turn for the better, don't they? 311 00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:42,134 - I suppose they had to, eventually. - Well, I'm glad, I really am. 312 00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:45,172 Come along, Stephen. You're bumbling about again. 313 00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:46,812 Coming. 314 00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:49,499 Erm, look here. I know this is a fearful cheek, 315 00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:53,852 but do you think Lionel would mind if I seized some opportunity to see him privately? 316 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:58,098 - I'm sure he wouldn't. - Oh, first-class. I'll pay the fee, of course. 317 00:16:58,140 --> 00:17:00,131 Fee? 318 00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:03,217 Yes. I meant, privately and professionally. 319 00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:13,773 Erm... Lionel... 320 00:17:13,820 --> 00:17:16,778 I knew I was going to start the evening as a psychiatrist 321 00:17:16,820 --> 00:17:20,813 but give you a few minutes and I'm a golf-mad psychiatrist with a broken ankle. 322 00:17:20,860 --> 00:17:23,055 - Sprained. - That was mine. 323 00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:26,172 - You did it very well. - Well, its becoming second nature. 324 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,929 - I don't know why I said judo classes. - I'd stopped wondering by then. 325 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,653 - Well, it did get rid of them. - Yes, it did. 326 00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:35,931 We were home and dry and then you fixed us up for tomorrow night. 327 00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:38,448 - Why? Why? - I don't know. 328 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,809 If you want to cry off, I shall understand. 329 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,215 How about a broken neck this time? 330 00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:45,455 Look, I know its not fair. 331 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:49,288 Especially when I'm asking you to sustain the biggest lie of all, 332 00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:53,811 that you and I are... fine, well, close, when we can't even commit to living together. 333 00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:56,374 That's just geographical. 334 00:17:56,420 --> 00:17:57,535 Oh! 335 00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:01,015 I've missed you all week, you know. 336 00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:03,528 Oh. I've missed you. 337 00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:08,177 - I'd like to take you out to dinner. - Hm. Why? 338 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:11,690 To thank you for turning up like the White Knight. 339 00:18:11,740 --> 00:18:13,537 - Hardly white. - Hm. 340 00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:16,492 - Where are you buying me this dinner? - Well, I'd change, 341 00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:19,373 and take you somewhere very monster, as Alistair says. 342 00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:21,615 Or I we can go somewhere cheap and cheerful. 343 00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:24,618 - I'm hungry. Cheap and cheerful. - Just round the corner. 344 00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:27,413 - Good. I don't want to walk far on this ankle. - No. 345 00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:30,776 - Erm, Lionel? - Hm? 346 00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:35,215 Erm... I'll tell you tomorrow. 347 00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:38,972 At breakfast? 348 00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:41,329 Yes. Breakfast. 349 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:47,648 - Please, Lionel. - No. 350 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,976 Look, you can follow me around all day on your knees, if you like, 351 00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:54,171 - but I'm not treating Stephen. - Nobody mentioned treating. 352 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,211 He just wants to talk to you. 353 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,899 In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist? 354 00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:02,171 Yes, but I didn't know he meant that till it was too late. 355 00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:06,452 Presumably, if he'd asked you for a judo lesson, you'd have given him one, would you? 356 00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:08,536 Of course not, I don't know about judo. 357 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,855 I don't know anything about psychiatry! 358 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:16,770 It's much easier to pretend to be a psychiatrist than it is to pretend to be a judo player. 359 00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,970 That's an extraordinary claim. 360 00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:23,172 Look, a girlfriend of mine has been to a psychiatrist once a week for months. 361 00:19:23,220 --> 00:19:25,415 And she can hardly get a peep out of him. 362 00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:28,293 He thinks she ought to work her own solution out, 363 00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:31,093 so he just listens and says, "I see" a lot. 364 00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:34,530 - She pays him for this, does she? - Yes, she says it's doing her good. 365 00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:36,696 Unloading her problems is doing her good. 366 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,696 - Months, you say? - Almost a year. 367 00:19:38,740 --> 00:19:40,731 I'm not seeing Stephen every week. 368 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,975 Look, he just wants a chat. 369 00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:45,056 I am not messing about with his mind. 370 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,739 Let's face it, there's not much to mess about with. 371 00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:49,179 That's not the point. 372 00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:53,099 If you'd told him I was a surgeon, you wouldn't ask me to take his appendix out. 373 00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:56,450 Oh, come on, credit me with a bit of common sense. 374 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,775 - (Doorbell) - That'll be Stephen. 375 00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:01,459 - What? - Well... 376 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:06,096 When you were in the bath, he rang and I said to come at ten. Best to get it over with. 377 00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:09,132 This is the unfairest thing anyone's done to me. I mean, done. 378 00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:10,215 Yes, I know. 379 00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:14,940 - Hello, Stephen. - Oh, good morning. 380 00:20:15,820 --> 00:20:19,938 - Lionel, this is awfully good of you. - Huh. Oh, come in, Stephen. Erm... 381 00:20:19,980 --> 00:20:23,575 - Go through, I'll be with you in a minute. - Right. 382 00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:25,815 - Now, Lionel. Please... - Er... 383 00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:27,851 Have you just had a session? 384 00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:30,653 - Yes, we have. - Oh, splendid. 385 00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:34,292 - See you. - You can't do this to me. 386 00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:37,855 Oh, I know, I know. Please. Please. Lionel. Please. 387 00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,211 Look, Stephen, I... 388 00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:44,057 Oh. 389 00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,614 This is where you want me, is it? 390 00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:48,890 - Yes, that'll do. - Uh. 391 00:20:48,940 --> 00:20:52,569 Must say, this is very relaxing. It's not at all like a consulting room. 392 00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,417 It's more like a home, really. 393 00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:56,098 - I see. - Pardon? 394 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:59,610 I said, "I see." I'd just listened to what you had to say. 395 00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:03,289 Oh. Was it significant? 396 00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:05,570 - Not really, no. - Oh. 397 00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:09,738 Er, look, Lionel, I think the bull in a china shop's the best approach. 398 00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:12,294 I'll charge in and you tell me if I'm going wrong. 399 00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:13,773 I see. 400 00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:20,088 The thing is this. I'm starting to have sexual fantasies about my dental nurse. 401 00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:25,897 Oh, not that I'd ever betray Penny, of course. 402 00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:29,819 Oh, no, we're very fond of each other in our funny old way. 403 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:31,851 I'll be honest, I... 404 00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:37,293 I don't really believe that Miss Breeze is offering me the slightest encouragement... 405 00:21:37,340 --> 00:21:39,331 ...all in my head, you see. 406 00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:41,018 Thoughts. 407 00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:43,654 Well, I suppose they would be, really. 408 00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:49,138 I mean, the other day, Miss Breeze and I were moulding some dentures 409 00:21:49,180 --> 00:21:55,176 and I... I had the strangest idea that we were making bread together in a cottage in Greece. 410 00:21:56,540 --> 00:22:00,613 Tell me honestly, do you think I'm turning into some sort of pervert? 411 00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:03,538 - Stephen, I am not a psychiatrist. - What? 412 00:22:04,620 --> 00:22:07,817 I am not a psychiatrist. 413 00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:11,617 "I am not a psychiatrist." 414 00:22:14,340 --> 00:22:16,649 Of course! 415 00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:20,249 - I see what you're saying. God, it's brilliant. - What? 416 00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:23,736 You're... you're rejecting easy handles, aren't you? 417 00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:28,729 You're actually saying, "I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm just someone who listens." 418 00:22:29,540 --> 00:22:31,929 And therefore what you're saying to me is, 419 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:37,373 "Stephen, you're not a pervert. You're just a man who's having the odd flight of fantasy." 420 00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:40,218 Talk about putting things in proportion. 421 00:22:40,260 --> 00:22:42,649 I see. 422 00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:47,490 My dear fellow, I cannot thank you enough. You've lifted a great weight off my shoulders. 423 00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:49,576 - Good. - Good? 424 00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:54,091 Lionel, if you're not at the very top of the tree in your profession I'd like to know who is. 425 00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:58,372 - You'll send me your account? - No, no, no. Have this one on me. 426 00:22:58,420 --> 00:23:00,695 I'm eternally grateful, old chap. 427 00:23:00,740 --> 00:23:03,300 - "I'm not a psychiatrist." - Mm. 428 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:07,253 It's brilliant! I'll see you this evening, of course. 429 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:09,939 - Of course. - Goodbye. And thanks again. 430 00:23:09,980 --> 00:23:11,971 Goodbye, Stephen. 431 00:23:15,020 --> 00:23:16,658 So, when are you setting up in practice? 432 00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:20,454 Tomorrow, if I can guarantee all the patients are as dotty as Stephen. 433 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:22,968 - You've been very good about this. - Not really. 434 00:23:23,020 --> 00:23:25,853 I cracked. I told him the truth and he didn't believe me. 435 00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:29,290 - Wonderful. - It's not wonderful at all. It's stupid, all of it. 436 00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:31,376 Well, we've got away with it. 437 00:23:31,420 --> 00:23:34,093 You sound like a schoolgirl sniggering behind the gym. 438 00:23:34,140 --> 00:23:37,018 - We've only got this evening to go. - Yes. 439 00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:40,177 Give us a few more hours and what else will we have invented? 440 00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:44,418 Will I be a part-time trapeze artist? Will you have been a missionary in the Congo? 441 00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:47,418 Oh. Come on. We're not inventing lies for the sake of it. 442 00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:52,329 No. It's all based on the fact that for some reason, you can't tell your sister-in-law 443 00:23:52,380 --> 00:23:55,292 that you loved me long before you married her brother. 444 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:56,773 - (Doorbell) - (Both) Oh. 445 00:23:56,820 --> 00:23:59,459 I'll let 'em in. I won't forget the limp. 446 00:24:04,580 --> 00:24:06,571 (Lionel) Penny. (Penny) Lionel, hi. 447 00:24:06,620 --> 00:24:09,259 - Shall I go in? - (Lionel) Yes, do. Hello, Stephen. 448 00:24:09,300 --> 00:24:14,294 Look, I'm so sorry we're late but Stephen got stuck with a seminar on dental hygiene. 449 00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:16,615 - That's all right. - Where's Lionel? 450 00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:19,652 - He's gone to the kitchen. - Oh. Right, well, do sit down. 451 00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:22,578 - I'll pour us a drink. - I'll do that. Two G and Ts? 452 00:24:22,620 --> 00:24:26,010 Just a quickie, and then we must all get off to the restaurant. 453 00:24:26,060 --> 00:24:29,939 Erm, Jean. Call me nosy, but I've been dying to ask. 454 00:24:29,980 --> 00:24:32,210 Are you and Lionel living together now? 455 00:24:32,260 --> 00:24:34,251 Well, of course we... 456 00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,532 No. 457 00:24:38,580 --> 00:24:40,332 No, we're not. 458 00:24:40,380 --> 00:24:43,258 - Are we, Lionel? - Are we what? 459 00:24:44,740 --> 00:24:47,015 - We're not living together. - Aren't we? 460 00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:49,620 - No. - Well, you don't seem very sure. 461 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:55,689 Well, I am. And there's something else, Penny, that you ought to know. 462 00:24:55,740 --> 00:24:58,095 You were fibbing about that judo, weren't you? 463 00:24:58,140 --> 00:25:01,098 - Yes, I was. - Good Lord. 464 00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:03,859 But that wasn't the biggest fib. 465 00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:07,017 Lionel and I didn't meet on the dodgems a few months ago. 466 00:25:08,420 --> 00:25:11,139 We met 38 years ago, before I met David. 467 00:25:11,180 --> 00:25:13,614 And we didn't just meet. We fell in love. 468 00:25:13,660 --> 00:25:17,209 You were having an affair all the time you were married to my brother? 469 00:25:17,260 --> 00:25:21,014 No, don't be soppy. We lost touch, never thought we'd see each other again. 470 00:25:21,060 --> 00:25:25,258 So you actually met on the dodgems 38 years ago? 471 00:25:27,340 --> 00:25:29,251 Have a peanut, Stephen. 472 00:25:29,300 --> 00:25:32,053 But... why on earth go to such lengths? 473 00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:34,250 - I mean, I'm not a monster. - I know. 474 00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:36,860 - It's me, I'm stupid. - No, it's not. 475 00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:42,252 She never told David because she didn't want to hurt him. So she never told you. 476 00:25:42,300 --> 00:25:45,656 And then after his death, you were so sure that I couldn't survive 477 00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:50,216 and that I would never be adequate, and I got so tired of being "poor Jean" all the time, 478 00:25:50,260 --> 00:25:55,015 and then you met Lionel and I thought, "Oh, blow it. I'll show her just how happy I am." 479 00:25:55,060 --> 00:25:57,051 But you're not. 480 00:25:57,100 --> 00:25:59,091 Not at the moment, no. 481 00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:03,529 - I've been a complete fool. - Both of us, actually. 482 00:26:03,580 --> 00:26:06,572 That's why I've decided to move in. 483 00:26:06,620 --> 00:26:08,815 Two fools together. 484 00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:12,691 If that's all right. 485 00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:15,452 Yes, it's all right. 486 00:26:16,140 --> 00:26:18,813 Well, I don't know what to say. I'm very confused. 487 00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:22,612 - I'm not. - Oh, don't be so silly. 488 00:26:22,660 --> 00:26:26,573 Really. Either way, I think we should all drink up and go and eat, don't you? 489 00:26:26,620 --> 00:26:28,611 - Yes. - Quite right. 490 00:26:28,660 --> 00:26:32,096 I'll just go and powder my nose and take an aspirin. 491 00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:35,691 Oh, Stephen, I have to ask. 492 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:37,731 Why aren't you confused? 493 00:26:37,780 --> 00:26:42,900 Look, I know how old Penny thought of David. Matchless. 494 00:26:42,940 --> 00:26:46,569 Well, he wasn't. Damned nice bloke, but not matchless. 495 00:26:46,620 --> 00:26:49,657 And now you've finally convinced her, and a good thing too, 496 00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:53,056 with this wonderful fiction that you actually met 38 years ago. 497 00:26:53,100 --> 00:26:57,332 Brilliant. I detect your professional acumen in this, Lionel. 498 00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:01,859 - Stephen, it's the truth. - All right. Pull the other one, old chap. 499 00:27:01,900 --> 00:27:06,690 Next thing you know, you'll be telling me you're not a psychiatrist. 500 00:27:06,740 --> 00:27:09,379 - (Penny, wailing) Stephen! - Coming! 501 00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:14,089 Well, doctor. 502 00:27:14,580 --> 00:27:16,172 I think we'll let that one lie. 503 00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:18,211 (Laughs) Probably best. 504 00:27:25,860 --> 00:27:28,579 # You must remember this 505 00:27:28,620 --> 00:27:31,180 # A kiss is still a kiss 506 00:27:31,220 --> 00:27:34,610 # A sigh is just a sigh 507 00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:40,334 # The fundamental things apply 508 00:27:40,380 --> 00:27:44,134 # As time goes by 509 00:27:47,380 --> 00:27:50,133 # And when two lovers woo 510 00:27:50,180 --> 00:27:52,933 # They still say I love you 511 00:27:52,980 --> 00:27:55,892 # On that you can rely 512 00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:02,857 # The world will always welcome lovers 513 00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:11,933 # As time goes by # 514 00:28:11,983 --> 00:28:16,533 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42551

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