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1
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# You must remember this
2
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# A kiss is still a kiss
3
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# A sigh is just a sigh
4
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# The fundamental things apply
5
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# As time goes by #
6
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Hello, Type For You agency.
7
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Yes, can you hold the line
for a moment, please? Thanks.
8
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:39,815
- Are you in?
- Who is it?
9
00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:41,976
- Lionel Hardcastle.
- I'm out.
10
00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:44,170
- For long?
- Try a decade.
11
00:00:47,260 --> 00:00:51,299
Hello, Mr Hardcastle. I'm sorry,
but Miss Pargetter is out at the moment.
12
00:00:51,340 --> 00:00:52,819
Oh, not for long.
13
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Ten years or so.
14
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- Ten years or so.
- (Doorbell)
15
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Bye.
16
00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,893
Li, hi. Must fly.
17
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:14,057
- Win fan ling chang.
- Pardon?
18
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:17,729
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were conversing in Chinese.
19
00:01:17,780 --> 00:01:19,771
What?
20
00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:23,538
I see. Nice one, Li.
21
00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:25,810
No, no, I mean, I've only got five minutes.
22
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And you're devoting them all to me?
I'm touched.
23
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:31,770
You'd better come in.
Run in might be a better idea.
24
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,691
Thing is, Lionel, er...
25
00:01:34,740 --> 00:01:36,412
your manuscript...
26
00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:38,337
- We love it!
- Good.
27
00:01:38,380 --> 00:01:41,975
- But it isn't quite right.
- Oh, for goodness' sake, Alistair.
28
00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:45,933
I put a lot of work into that book.
I've made all the revisions you asked for.
29
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I know, I know, and we are thrilled.
30
00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:51,618
- You're thrilled, but it isn't quite right?
- No.
31
00:01:51,660 --> 00:01:55,335
- So it's bad?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, we love it!
32
00:01:55,380 --> 00:01:57,848
Is it me or are we going round in circles?
33
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:01,256
Put it this way -
your manuscript, and we do love it,
34
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,498
is there...
35
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,100
but it's not there.
36
00:02:06,980 --> 00:02:09,699
Would it help if we went back to Chinese?
37
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,575
It needs...
38
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:14,975
- It needs... What's the word?
- Burning?
39
00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:18,217
- Humanising.
- Oh, humanising.
40
00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:20,455
- Yes.
- What are you talking about?
41
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:22,968
Look, it has people in it, I'm in it.
42
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:25,978
And, contrary to what some people think,
I am human.
43
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:27,692
Yes, but not in the book.
44
00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:31,050
You're a cipher.
All people in the book are ciphers.
45
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:32,613
They need to be...
46
00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,174
They need to be... people.
47
00:02:35,220 --> 00:02:37,290
The people in the book need to be people?
48
00:02:37,340 --> 00:02:39,137
- You got it.
- Are you sure?
49
00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:42,092
It won't take a lot more work, Lionel.
50
00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:44,415
One last push and we have a book.
51
00:02:44,460 --> 00:02:48,135
We have real chances,
we could even be talking screen rights.
52
00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:50,774
- (Chuckles)
- You could be played by, er...
53
00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:53,894
Robert Redford.
54
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,613
Robert Red?
Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves?
55
00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,059
Listen, mate.
56
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:02,412
If you don't get ahead of yourself,
you'll finish where you started.
57
00:03:02,460 --> 00:03:04,735
I'll think about that. But this humanising...
58
00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:07,089
It won't take you long, maybe a week.
59
00:03:07,140 --> 00:03:10,610
It'll be worth it, Lionel.
It'll pay off, I promise it will.
60
00:03:10,660 --> 00:03:12,491
All right, I'll try.
61
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,337
Good man.
62
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:16,336
Oh, er...
63
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:20,498
As long as I'm here, there's a bit of, er...
personal biz I'd like to clear up.
64
00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:23,100
- Personal biz?
- Yes.
65
00:03:23,860 --> 00:03:26,010
- Jean.
- What about her?
66
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:28,528
If I lay it on line would I step on any toes?
67
00:03:28,580 --> 00:03:30,377
Could you lay it on another line?
68
00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:32,857
I, er...
69
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,618
I fancy her like crazy.
70
00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:37,493
- Do you?
- I know what you're going to say.
71
00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:38,939
I'm too young.
72
00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:42,655
I was going to say she's too old,
but it's the same thing.
73
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,976
- Not that it's any of my business.
- That's what I wanted to hear.
74
00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:47,817
I, er...
75
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,135
I wouldn't be stepping on your toes? Hmm?
76
00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:53,131
Well, it's a freeish country.
77
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Right. (Chuckles)
78
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I like that, freeish. (Laughs)
Can I use it?
79
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:01,451
Feel freeish.
80
00:04:02,820 --> 00:04:04,219
See you, then, mate.
81
00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:07,297
Oh, and, er, remember -
82
00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:10,412
push, push and, er...
83
00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:11,939
humanise.
84
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:13,572
Push, push and humanise.
85
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:16,214
- Bye, Li.
- Bye-bye, Alistair.
86
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:18,455
- (Door shuts)
- Oh. Hm.
87
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:21,491
Robert Redford. (Chuckles)
88
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,094
Oh, Paul, that's excellent. Yes.
89
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:31,894
Well, bike the contract round to me,
and I'll sign it straightaway.
90
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,295
Oh, lovely, thanks, Paul. Bye.
91
00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:40,136
These have just come for you.
92
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,614
We've got the new premises in Brompton Road.
93
00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:45,254
- My signature on the contract and they're ours.
- Good.
94
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,450
- These came for you.
- Yes.
95
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:49,297
- They're flowers.
- Yes.
96
00:04:49,340 --> 00:04:53,333
Green stalks with coloured bits on the end.
I can see that.
97
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:56,577
- We've got a new branch!
- Do you want me to do cartwheels?
98
00:04:56,620 --> 00:05:02,013
Well, be glad for me. All the work I've put
into this agency, it's paying off.
99
00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,449
I am glad for you, you deserve it.
100
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:09,130
- But why aren't you excited about the flowers?
- Probably a business thank you.
101
00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:14,254
Somebody's secretary did a good job,
send them a thank you letter and flowers.
102
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,133
What would you prefer, a box of cigars?
103
00:05:17,180 --> 00:05:19,410
They don't have to be a business thing.
104
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,611
They could be from Lionel.
105
00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:26,816
- Why would Lionel send flowers?
- You were in love, Mum.
106
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,851
That was 38 years ago.
107
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:31,334
They can't have taken that long to arrive.
108
00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:33,336
Perhaps they're a new thought.
109
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:35,735
He's got a new thought, we met her in Norwich.
110
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:37,816
Well, perhaps he's apologising.
111
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:40,818
There's nothing to apologise for.
112
00:05:40,860 --> 00:05:45,809
If he chooses to spend the night
with a loudmouth, that's his business.
113
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:47,418
I bet they are from Lionel.
114
00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:49,337
I bet you a lunch they're a business thank you.
115
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,257
I bet you a lunch they're from Lionel.
116
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:55,852
- They're from Alistair.
- I see.
117
00:05:57,660 --> 00:06:02,336
It's a sort of business thank you.
We put the manuscript in order for him.
118
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:07,773
"Age cannot wither her
nor custom stale her infinite variety."
119
00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:13,334
A business thank you?
From Alistair to Cleopatra.
120
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:17,977
- You have them.
- Oh, I'm not Cleopatra.
121
00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:20,738
Neither am I.
122
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:25,649
- Alistair obviously thinks you are.
- Then he needs stronger lenses.
123
00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,294
- Look, it's your own fault.
- What is?
124
00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:31,093
These are. You practically vamped him
in Norwich.
125
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,176
- Vamped?
- You were all over him.
126
00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:36,895
"Oh, yes, Alistair, I'd like to have
a night cap at the hotel."
127
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:41,411
Goo-goo eyes, the lot, just because
Lionel turned up with his local bit of stuff.
128
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:43,655
Well, I was piqued. I resent vamped.
129
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,770
Alistair obviously went for it.
130
00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:48,015
Yes, he did, didn't he?
131
00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:49,573
Don't look so smug.
132
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:51,417
Well, it's a bit of a boost, isn't it?
133
00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:56,136
I'm on the verge of getting a tight perm
and taking a coach out into Worthing,
134
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:58,933
then an attractive young man sends me flowers.
135
00:06:58,980 --> 00:07:01,494
I find that rather tacky.
136
00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:04,134
- You like Alistair, don't you?
- He's all right.
137
00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:06,011
(Phone)
138
00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:07,971
Hello, Judith Hanson.
139
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:10,534
- Oh, hello, Alistair.
- Oh.
140
00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:12,730
Mum? No, she's at the chiropodist.
141
00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:20,095
No, no, it's nothing serious, just her weekly visit
to get her corns seen to.
142
00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:32,136
Mr Hardcastle, how nice to have you
with us again.
143
00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:35,092
- I can't stay away.
- You'll be staying for?
144
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:38,257
Don't worry, as short a time as possible.
145
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:42,293
I'll need somewhere to work.
Is that room I used before free?
146
00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:46,370
- Room, sir? Do you mean the Anson Suite?
- It's a room.
147
00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:48,456
We call it the Anson Suite.
148
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:49,979
I see.
149
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:52,090
What do you call the room you're giving me?
150
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:54,290
Room 405.
151
00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:57,215
Doesn't have the same ring, does it?
152
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:00,416
We could offer you a junior suite, sir.
153
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:03,334
Does that have child-sized furniture?
154
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:09,299
It has a small sitting room
and a complimentary bowl of fruit.
155
00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:12,688
Bath towels big enough to dry yourself off?
156
00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:15,810
Our standard bath towels, sir.
157
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,896
I'll have the room in the Anson Suite.
158
00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:19,453
Very good, sir.
159
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,491
Do enjoy your stay with us.
160
00:08:23,780 --> 00:08:25,771
You missed me, didn't you?
161
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:30,211
- Terribly.
- (Phone)
162
00:08:31,980 --> 00:08:35,290
- Hello, Sandy.
- Oh, hello, Mr Hardcastle.
163
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,490
- Is she?
- She's out.
164
00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:42,812
You're the one who informed me Miss Pargetter
would be out for ten years.
165
00:08:42,860 --> 00:08:45,135
- I just do as I'm told.
- Mmm.
166
00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:48,211
I'll wait.
167
00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:56,052
- Miss Pargetter is out.
- So you say.
168
00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:03,780
Lovely, aren't they?
169
00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:05,856
I stole these from a cemetery.
170
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,730
When will she be back? And don't say ten years.
171
00:09:09,780 --> 00:09:13,693
She's a very busy woman.
Those are from your publisher, by the way.
172
00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,776
Really?
173
00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:17,492
Yours are very sweet too.
174
00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:20,532
- Thank you. Would you like them?
- No, thank you.
175
00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:22,298
- (Door opens)
- Ah.
176
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:25,696
- Oh. It's you.
- Yes, it is.
177
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:30,211
Mr Hardcastle insisted on waiting.
He's brought you some lovely flowers.
178
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:37,171
Perhaps you can find an ink well to put them in.
179
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:40,055
They're sweet.
180
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,375
- Those are from Alis...
- I know.
181
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:51,260
How was your night cap in Norwich?
182
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,291
Rather flattering, to tell the truth.
183
00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:57,049
- How was your overnight accommodation?
- She slung me out.
184
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,933
I don't see why you're flattered
by a 12-year-old boy.
185
00:09:59,980 --> 00:10:01,618
- Don't you? (Chuckles)
- No, I don't.
186
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,094
- What's funny?
- You being slung out.
187
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:08,258
He's not exactly what you call
a well-rounded character, is he?
188
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,575
Who says I'm interested
in well-rounded characters?
189
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:12,975
- He's an intellectual vacuum.
- Good-looking.
190
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:17,213
I didn't know you were coming to Norwich.
191
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:18,852
Why did you come, anyway?
192
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,891
To hear your lecture.
193
00:10:21,540 --> 00:10:23,258
What if you had known?
194
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:24,972
Well...
195
00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:27,454
I only knew Denise on and off, you know.
196
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:31,092
You could have phrased that more delicately.
197
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,615
If you think Alistair is an intellectual vacuum,
198
00:10:35,660 --> 00:10:38,220
then Denise must rank
as an intellectual black hole.
199
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:39,693
- Must have.
- What?
200
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:43,289
Must have ranked,
I shan't be seeing her again.
201
00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:44,898
Send her some flowers.
202
00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:46,771
You're very flippant today.
203
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:49,380
- I've acquired a new branch office.
- Oh.
204
00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:51,729
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
205
00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:54,089
- Do you really think he's good-looking?
- Yes.
206
00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:56,051
Strange taste.
207
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,978
- I thought you were good-looking.
- Did you?
208
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,454
Well, yes, I suppose I was.
209
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,139
Anyway, about Alistair,
it's because of him I'm here.
210
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:06,931
- What do you mean?
- The book.
211
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:11,258
- I have to do more damn revisions.
- And you need secretarial assistance.
212
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,814
I'm back at the hotel, so it's proper.
213
00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:15,498
Could I have, er, Sandy?
214
00:11:16,340 --> 00:11:19,173
- She's my secretary.
- I know, but I like her.
215
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,178
- Does she like you?
- I shouldn't think so. We get on.
216
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:24,051
- I'll ask her.
- Tell her.
217
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,931
Ask.
218
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,692
Yes, all right, why not?
I'm battle-hardened now.
219
00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:34,415
- I'll send someone else if you like.
- No, I like him.
220
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,532
- Why?
- That's a funny question coming from you.
221
00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:41,050
- You were in love with him, weren't you?
- Oh, Judith's been chattering.
222
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,455
Well, weren't you?
223
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:46,333
Well, it was a long time ago.
224
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,773
I wasn't in love long enough
to know whether I liked him.
225
00:11:49,820 --> 00:11:53,733
Well, I do. I shouldn't really,
because I don't think he likes me.
226
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,577
Well, off you go, then.
227
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:58,578
You two have a basis for a beautiful friendship.
228
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:04,896
(Lionel) Page 37, I refer to a Colonel Austin.
229
00:12:05,540 --> 00:12:07,974
- Yes.
- I describe him as tall.
230
00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:11,695
- True.
- Right. Now, then, add...
231
00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:13,219
"with a moustache".
232
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,054
- What sort of moustache?
- I don't know, a moustache.
233
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,056
You know, hair on the upper lip.
234
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:22,775
- Tall with a moustache.
- Correct.
235
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,811
- Next.
- What about his wife?
236
00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:27,932
- What about his wife?
- Did she have a moustache?
237
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,531
Course she didn't. You being facetious?
238
00:12:30,580 --> 00:12:32,889
No, but you don't describe her at all.
239
00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:34,498
She's just a blob.
240
00:12:34,540 --> 00:12:37,532
"Colonel Austin's wife", poor woman.
241
00:12:37,580 --> 00:12:40,219
She won't mind, she must be dead by now.
242
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,730
- You decided to describe everybody.
- All right, all right.
243
00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:45,896
Colonel Austin's wife...
244
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:51,779
- I can't remember what she looked like.
- Invent. Poetic licence.
245
00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:55,017
- This isn't a work of fiction.
- I think you should say something.
246
00:12:55,060 --> 00:13:00,054
All right. "Colonel Austin's wife,
whom I don't remember very well".
247
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,011
You can't put that.
248
00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:04,654
Then put "Colonel Austin's wife, a blob".
249
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:10,210
- You're not enjoying this, are you?
- Is it worth it?
250
00:13:10,260 --> 00:13:12,774
It's just a book, I wrote it.
251
00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:15,539
Alistair talked about publishing it.
252
00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:18,936
Now all I get is,
"We love it, but keep on mucking about with it."
253
00:13:18,980 --> 00:13:21,255
Think of it as polishing a diamond.
254
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:24,736
That really does require
a leap of the imagination.
255
00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:29,456
- Where were we?
- You described Colonel Austin's wife as a blob.
256
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:31,650
Leave her for a bit.
257
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:34,009
Oh, leave it all for a bit.
258
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:39,256
Look, I hate to sound like a hooker,
but you are paying for my time.
259
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:42,656
Let's assume I'm resting
between bouts of ecstasy.
260
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,014
- Would you like a mint?
- No, thank you.
261
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:51,738
Miss Pargetter.
262
00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,338
What about her?
263
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:56,053
What was she like, when you first met her?
264
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,971
Young.
265
00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:01,090
Go on.
266
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,859
There was a warmth about her.
267
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:08,291
Oh, she had a temper,
her eyes could go quite flinty.
268
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,731
She had that rarest of qualities.
269
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:15,011
The ability to forgive
without a hint of rancour.
270
00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:18,211
She never tried to be anything.
271
00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:22,893
She was someone
you never wanted to hurt.
272
00:14:24,260 --> 00:14:26,216
I remember once...
273
00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:29,058
(Sandy) Yes?
274
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:32,931
And she was short.
275
00:14:35,220 --> 00:14:36,699
Funny.
276
00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:39,812
- What is?
- You got almost poetic there.
277
00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:43,375
And all you can remember
of Colonel Austin's wife many years later
278
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:44,853
is that she was just a blob.
279
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:48,415
I didn't share the same experience
with Mrs Austin.
280
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:52,373
- Makes a difference.
- Well, obviously it makes a difference.
281
00:14:52,420 --> 00:14:55,651
- Anything else?
- Shall we get on?
282
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,168
Whenever you like.
283
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:00,618
Page...
284
00:15:01,540 --> 00:15:04,054
If Alistair hadn't mentioned a film, I'd burn this.
285
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,692
Tons of money in a film.
286
00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:08,208
He talked about Robert Redford playing me.
287
00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:10,251
(Laughs)
288
00:15:11,540 --> 00:15:15,010
All right. He tends to get carried away,
it is absurd.
289
00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:17,290
Of course it is, anyway he's too old.
290
00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:18,819
- Do you think so?
- Yes.
291
00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:21,693
You're a young man at the start of the book.
292
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,497
We're not getting on.
293
00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:27,054
Weren't you resting
between bouts of ecstasy?
294
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,614
No, between bouts of bewilderment.
295
00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:33,653
Look at it, My Life In Kenya.
Make a film out of it?
296
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,295
I can't even make a book out of it.
Bloody publishers!
297
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:43,053
- Well, that wasn't very clever, was it?
- Well, I don't feel very clever.
298
00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:45,737
- How's it going?
- Oh.
299
00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:48,533
Ah. It can't have been a gust of wind,
300
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:51,253
- it must have been a fit of pique.
- I'm fed up with it.
301
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,770
- What are you doing here?
- Popped in to see how things were.
302
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:56,811
That just about says it, really.
303
00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:01,894
- Come on.
- You're the secretary.
304
00:16:01,940 --> 00:16:04,215
You threw the papers on the floor.
305
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:07,252
What's the problem,
apart from the bad temper?
306
00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:10,130
Well, it's this humanising business.
307
00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:12,569
Alistair thought if I described
the characters more fully...
308
00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:14,929
- That's a good idea.
- Only he can't.
309
00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:17,255
Just because I can't remember
what Colonel's wife looked like.
310
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:22,010
It's not her. Those you have described
are like descriptions in a passport.
311
00:16:22,060 --> 00:16:24,620
They're either short people or tall people.
312
00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:26,537
People are either short or tall.
313
00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:29,378
- Unless they're of medium height.
- You don't have to stay.
314
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:30,899
I can't, I've got a lunch.
315
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:34,091
One person he described beautifully,
and she's not in the book.
316
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,176
- Who's that?
- (Sandy) You.
317
00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:41,857
- I see.
- You came up in the conversation.
318
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,214
- Why?
- It was my fault.
319
00:16:45,260 --> 00:16:49,412
- There you are.
- It was never your forté, gallantry, was it?
320
00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:53,612
The way I feel at the moment,
I don't have a forté of any kind at all.
321
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:56,299
Oh, look, you can't give up now.
322
00:16:56,340 --> 00:17:00,891
- Well, perhaps if you help.
- Me? I don't know about humanising.
323
00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:02,532
Ask Alistair.
324
00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:05,094
I'm not crawling back to him.
He told me what he wanted.
325
00:17:05,140 --> 00:17:09,611
If say I don't know what he's talking about,
I'll look like a silly old fool.
326
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,010
Oh, well, I've got to go to lunch.
327
00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:18,136
- Oh, look, Lionel.
- Hmm?
328
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:21,297
Come to my house this evening,
I'll try and help.
329
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:25,572
- I wouldn't want to be a nuisance.
- Don't go humble, it doesn't suit you.
330
00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:28,134
- Eightish?
- Thanks.
331
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,171
Don't bother to get up.
332
00:17:34,660 --> 00:17:38,209
- This is going to take hours.
- Oh, bugger it, let's have some lunch.
333
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,296
I don't usually lunch with clients.
334
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:43,616
- Think of me as a sinking ship.
- Oh, that's all right.
335
00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:45,651
I always have lunch with sinking ships.
336
00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:51,329
Do you think we can have it on the floor?
I've stiffened up.
337
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:57,169
- (Doorbell)
- (Judith) I'll go.
338
00:17:57,220 --> 00:17:58,733
Are you decent?
339
00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:00,930
Incredibly.
340
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,532
- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello, Judith. Oh, going out?
341
00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:09,775
- Hello.
- Does she always opens the door like that?
342
00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:12,254
- Like what?
- So quickly.
343
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,576
Most people peer out first,
she flings it wide open.
344
00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:19,408
- I never thought of it.
- Something to do with body language.
345
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:22,850
- Do you know much about body language?
- Very inhibiting, I know that.
346
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:28,418
We're now unable to sit comfortably without
making it a sexual invitation or a rebuff.
347
00:18:28,460 --> 00:18:30,212
Do sit down.
348
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:39,652
- What's that?
- Oh, this is gratitude.
349
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:43,691
- I bought you these.
- Oh, thank you.
350
00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:47,574
- Don't tell me. Alistair.
- It's getting silly, isn't it?
351
00:18:47,620 --> 00:18:51,295
- You should never have encouraged him.
- Don't let's start that again.
352
00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:52,739
Have you eaten?
353
00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:54,691
Well, I tried a club sandwich at the hotel,
354
00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:57,732
but it tasted as though
it had been made during the Blitz.
355
00:18:57,780 --> 00:19:00,578
- Scrambled eggs all right?
- Excellent.
356
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:05,375
I should have brought some wine but I suppose
you've already got a few case from Alistair.
357
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:07,411
Only a couple.
358
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,091
(Judith) I think the box is garish, anyway.
359
00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:22,335
Oh. Big, though.
360
00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:25,133
Yes. Do I look all right?
361
00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:28,649
You look very good indeed.
362
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:32,534
- I don't like my body.
- I've never met a woman who does.
363
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,172
I do, for what it's worth.
364
00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:37,453
Thank you.
365
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:40,572
Mum will never eat all those.
There must be half a hundredweight there.
366
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:43,373
He should be sending them to you, really.
367
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,980
- Ah. Indelicate?
- Stupid.
368
00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:48,818
- Oh.
- No, not you, me.
369
00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:53,012
If Mum's in the same room,
I might as well be wallpaper to Alistair.
370
00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:55,130
- Plain wallpaper.
- What is it about this man?
371
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:57,978
He's a silly twerp who can't speak English.
372
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,090
No, he's very clever actually.
373
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:04,656
He's good-looking,
funny, well-off, successful.
374
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:06,975
Well, if you're going to go for the obvious.
375
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:11,457
- Where are you going?
- I am eating with a crowd.
376
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:12,899
Less than a thousand?
377
00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:17,092
Well, seven or nine.
Has to be an odd number to include me.
378
00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:22,897
Twice divorced, lives with her mother,
good sport and not really a threat.
379
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:27,092
If that's what the women in the party think
then they don't have eyes.
380
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:30,578
What a nice thing to say.
381
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:33,418
It's not like me, I must be mellowing.
382
00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:36,855
I must be going. Bye, Mum.
383
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:39,209
(Jean) Have a nice time!
384
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:42,696
- I must go.
- Go on, then, be a threat.
385
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,090
(Judith) Bye.
(Jean) Bye.
386
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,335
I hope they're scrambled
and not beaten to death.
387
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:51,972
Thank you.
388
00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:55,256
I've never tasted your cooking.
389
00:20:55,300 --> 00:21:00,010
If you said that to me 38 years ago,
I'd have been a nervous wreck.
390
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:02,574
- Mm, very good.
- Then I'd have glowed.
391
00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:06,896
Then I'd have thought,
"My God, she can cook as well."
392
00:21:07,620 --> 00:21:10,692
- Then, then, then.
- Yes.
393
00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:13,497
Let's have some wine.
394
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:16,771
- Not really Alistair's, is it?
- What if it were?
395
00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:19,414
I'd still drink it. I'd pull a lot of faces, though.
396
00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:25,298
There's no good sulking.
397
00:21:25,340 --> 00:21:28,696
I'm not sulking.
I can accept constructive criticism.
398
00:21:28,740 --> 00:21:34,098
The book, to me, is a cross between a handbook
for growing coffee and a guide to Kenya.
399
00:21:34,140 --> 00:21:36,131
- And that's constructive?
- Yes.
400
00:21:36,180 --> 00:21:39,650
It doesn't it reveal anything about the author.
My Life In Kenya.
401
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:41,418
- And that's a boring title?
- Agreed.
402
00:21:41,460 --> 00:21:43,894
But while it is the title,
who's the me in my?
403
00:21:43,940 --> 00:21:47,330
- Me, obviously.
- Then let your readers know about it.
404
00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:50,417
Let them know who you are,
drop a veil or two.
405
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:52,371
I'm not a belly dancer.
406
00:21:52,420 --> 00:21:56,174
- What I'm like is not my readers' business.
- You don't have any readers.
407
00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:59,530
The book won't be published
unless you open up a bit.
408
00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:01,616
- All right, give me an example.
- Your wife.
409
00:22:01,660 --> 00:22:05,096
(Laughs) You didn't even
flick through the pages.
410
00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:07,370
- She just sprang to mind.
- Why?
411
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:08,933
Well, as an example.
412
00:22:08,980 --> 00:22:12,097
You meet her, you marry,
you live together, and then you divorce.
413
00:22:12,140 --> 00:22:14,449
- Well, we did.
- It's so colourless.
414
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,218
It was.
415
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:18,251
Do you want me to help or not?
416
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:20,052
Oh, let's watch television.
417
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,297
All right, yes, I do.
418
00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:27,699
Right. Why did you marry her?
419
00:22:28,860 --> 00:22:31,135
Because she was there, I suppose.
420
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:34,454
You make her sound like Everest.
421
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,491
Well, she was tall.
422
00:22:37,460 --> 00:22:39,371
Willowy.
423
00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:42,730
Or bony, depending on which way you look at it.
424
00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:44,771
Not a laugher.
425
00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:49,459
The daughter of my neighbours
30 miles away along a bum-numbing track.
426
00:22:50,420 --> 00:22:52,411
The only single girl for miles.
427
00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:54,735
- You were lonely.
- Yes.
428
00:22:54,780 --> 00:22:57,897
- I'd started talking to the dogs a lot.
- (Jean chuckles)
429
00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:00,329
So I used to drive over on a Sunday, have tea,
430
00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:02,257
go for a stroll in the garden,
431
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:05,929
then I'd numb my bum again
for 30 miles and get back home.
432
00:23:06,940 --> 00:23:11,695
Every time I got home I remembered her
as being much prettier than when I'd left her.
433
00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:14,208
She probably felt the same about you.
434
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:16,057
Oh, I'm quite sure she did.
435
00:23:16,820 --> 00:23:19,254
So I got married, saved the travelling.
436
00:23:21,340 --> 00:23:23,456
It's pretty steamy stuff, isn't it?
437
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:26,697
That's what I mean.
You should be in the first chapter.
438
00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:28,890
I was never in Africa.
439
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:30,532
No.
440
00:23:30,580 --> 00:23:32,571
But if it's steam you're talking,
441
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,373
we could have powered
several locomotives.
442
00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:37,650
Seems funny now.
443
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:39,418
Absurd.
444
00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:44,851
Why did you divorce?
445
00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:48,289
New roads, more Brits immigrating,
446
00:23:48,340 --> 00:23:52,413
- social life tweaked up a notch.
- Someone else found her willowy?
447
00:23:52,460 --> 00:23:55,099
No, I found somebody rounded.
448
00:23:55,140 --> 00:23:57,176
- Oh?
- I'm not a saint.
449
00:23:57,220 --> 00:23:58,858
I thought you were.
450
00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:03,376
- What about you?
- Oh, I've had my moments.
451
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:05,536
No, I mean, why did you marry?
452
00:24:05,580 --> 00:24:09,573
Well, it saved my bum from getting sore,
and not because he was there.
453
00:24:09,620 --> 00:24:12,088
- Oh, love.
- Obviously.
454
00:24:12,140 --> 00:24:14,256
- It's not obvious at all.
- Well, it was.
455
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:17,092
Good.
456
00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:20,371
- I wonder what happened to that letter.
- What letter?
457
00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:23,890
You lose the thread of a conversation quickly
these days.
458
00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:26,249
The letter you wrote me from Korea.
459
00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:28,655
- The one you never received.
- Yes.
460
00:24:29,780 --> 00:24:32,089
It was a physical pain, not hearing from you.
461
00:24:32,140 --> 00:24:34,210
It was worse for me not hearing back.
462
00:24:34,260 --> 00:24:37,013
- Don't let's make a competition out of it.
- No.
463
00:24:38,380 --> 00:24:43,170
I suppose we thought we were the only two
young people with broken hearts in the world.
464
00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:44,858
It was horrible.
465
00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:50,931
- If only you'd got the letter.
- If only I'd got the letter.
466
00:24:50,980 --> 00:24:52,777
I wondered whether you'd been killed.
467
00:24:52,820 --> 00:24:56,256
- I was kicked by a mule.
- Yes, you told me.
468
00:24:56,300 --> 00:24:58,450
Oh, my God, I'm starting to repeat myself.
469
00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:01,014
No, you said you were nearly
kicked by a mule.
470
00:25:01,060 --> 00:25:03,938
No, he did catch me, a sort of glancing blow.
471
00:25:03,980 --> 00:25:05,618
Was it an enemy mule?
472
00:25:05,660 --> 00:25:07,651
- No, one of ours.
- Oh, good.
473
00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:11,532
- There's a little scar there somewhere.
- Really, where?
474
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:13,571
Somewhere there.
475
00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:16,535
- I can't see it.
- Put your glasses on.
476
00:25:16,580 --> 00:25:19,458
It's your war wound,
you ought to know where it is.
477
00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,013
There, just there.
478
00:25:21,060 --> 00:25:23,016
Oh, yes.
479
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,578
Oh...
480
00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:29,571
That's nice.
481
00:25:29,620 --> 00:25:31,417
It's yesterday.
482
00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:34,338
I know, but it's nice.
483
00:25:34,380 --> 00:25:37,372
- (Door opens and shuts)
- (Judith) It's only me.
484
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:39,933
- Hello.
- Hello.
485
00:25:39,980 --> 00:25:41,413
Hello.
486
00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:46,411
I was a threat.
487
00:25:47,340 --> 00:25:50,252
- Good night, Mum. Night, Lionel.
- Good night.
488
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,336
What did she mean?
489
00:25:52,380 --> 00:25:54,052
Oh, nothing.
490
00:25:55,340 --> 00:25:57,774
- Judy? Judy?
- What?
491
00:25:57,820 --> 00:26:01,654
- What do you mean you were a threat?
- Something Lionel said to me.
492
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:03,656
- Oh?
- We were talking about Alistair.
493
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,975
Oh, look, love, about Alistair...
494
00:26:06,020 --> 00:26:09,615
You don't have to worry about him,
I was thinking about him at dinner.
495
00:26:09,660 --> 00:26:13,699
- While you were being a threat?
- And I suddenly got him into perspective.
496
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:17,096
He's nice enough, but, well, it's all glitz, really.
497
00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:19,017
Oh, good.
498
00:26:19,060 --> 00:26:23,497
Whereas Lionel, he made me feel better
about myself in two minutes tonight,
499
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:26,577
than someone like Alistair could do in two years.
500
00:26:27,700 --> 00:26:29,452
The wisdom of the ancients.
501
00:26:31,300 --> 00:26:34,736
He's not ancient, I think he's gorgeous.
502
00:26:42,940 --> 00:26:45,215
Is everything all right?
503
00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:47,410
Everything's fine...
504
00:26:47,460 --> 00:26:49,052
gorgeous.
505
00:26:58,500 --> 00:27:01,298
# You must remember this
506
00:27:01,340 --> 00:27:03,934
# A kiss is still a kiss
507
00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:07,177
# A sigh is just a sigh
508
00:27:09,380 --> 00:27:13,055
# The fundamental things apply
509
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:16,934
# As time goes by
510
00:27:20,260 --> 00:27:22,933
# And when two lovers woo
511
00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:25,540
# They still say I love you
512
00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:28,617
# On that you can rely
513
00:27:31,340 --> 00:27:35,652
# The world will always welcome lovers
514
00:27:36,980 --> 00:27:44,773
# As time goes by #
515
00:27:44,823 --> 00:27:49,373
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