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1
00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:02,800
[sharp whoosh]
2
00:00:02,885 --> 00:00:04,335
(Beatrice)
Mother, I came in second again.
3
00:00:04,470 --> 00:00:05,552
Out of two.
4
00:00:05,671 --> 00:00:07,755
Oh, so very proud of you, dear.
5
00:00:11,844 --> 00:00:14,762
[suspenseful music]
6
00:00:14,847 --> 00:00:17,765
7
00:00:17,850 --> 00:00:19,900
[thud]
8
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:22,019
You're splashing about
like a mermaid.
9
00:00:22,154 --> 00:00:23,821
That will do, Sloppy Sally.
10
00:00:23,906 --> 00:00:25,856
You girls should stop
playing tennis
11
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:27,191
and take up air weaponry.
12
00:00:27,326 --> 00:00:31,161
Exercise dries the womb
and gives you bicycle face.
13
00:00:31,247 --> 00:00:32,663
What's bicycle face?
14
00:00:32,748 --> 00:00:34,615
A hideous byproduct of exertion
15
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:38,202
that causes a woman's face to
contort and her eyes to bulge.
16
00:00:38,337 --> 00:00:39,620
[bell dings]
17
00:00:39,705 --> 00:00:40,454
Ha!
18
00:00:40,539 --> 00:00:41,622
See?
Bicycle face.
19
00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:43,090
(Hortense)
Mother, are you aware
20
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,458
that the Newport's
Most Beautiful pageant
21
00:00:44,543 --> 00:00:46,043
is being hosted in our home,
22
00:00:46,178 --> 00:00:48,712
and I had to read about it
in the Looky Loo to find out?
23
00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:50,964
Hore, we always host
the pageant.
24
00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:53,267
I'm not talking
about the vegetable competition.
25
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,018
I'm not anti-entertainment.
26
00:00:55,104 --> 00:00:59,390
But they have opened
the pageant up to humans.
27
00:00:59,525 --> 00:01:01,058
A human beauty pageant?
28
00:01:01,193 --> 00:01:02,393
That's absurd.
29
00:01:02,528 --> 00:01:04,812
Only cabbages should
be judged on their beauty.
30
00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:05,863
Let me see that.
31
00:01:05,948 --> 00:01:06,780
It says it right here.
32
00:01:06,899 --> 00:01:08,315
Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant
33
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,566
is now going to be a competition
34
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,151
between cabbages,
women, and babies.
35
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:12,453
It's dehumanizing!
36
00:01:12,571 --> 00:01:14,238
In my day, a woman was judged
37
00:01:14,323 --> 00:01:16,407
only on her fertility, silence,
38
00:01:16,492 --> 00:01:17,991
and threshold for pain.
39
00:01:18,077 --> 00:01:21,412
The winner is to appear
on a biscuit tin.
40
00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:23,130
- I'll enter.
- Me too.
41
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,298
I can't wait till we win.
42
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:25,666
Beatrice,
only one of us can win,
43
00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:27,251
and we both know
your head shape
44
00:01:27,336 --> 00:01:28,552
cannot support a tiara.
45
00:01:28,637 --> 00:01:29,753
I am not going to stand by
46
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,839
and allow this vulgarity
to occur.
47
00:01:33,926 --> 00:01:35,426
[eagle screeches]
48
00:01:35,511 --> 00:01:36,393
[sharp whoosh]
49
00:01:36,479 --> 00:01:37,594
[eagle screams]
50
00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:38,395
Ha-ha!
51
00:01:38,481 --> 00:01:40,013
Majestic no more!
52
00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:43,016
[hip-hop music]
53
00:01:51,169 --> 00:01:54,637
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
54
00:01:54,947 --> 00:01:57,247
This is the most important
week of your lives.
55
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:59,283
Our service must be peerless.
56
00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:00,868
We can have
no more abominations,
57
00:02:00,953 --> 00:02:04,371
like today's
table cloth-tastrophy.
58
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,039
(Peepers)
Look at this.
59
00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:09,343
A champagne stain as big as
a brood mare's birthing cannon.
60
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,629
Spilt by an unskilled
ham-fist.
61
00:02:14,967 --> 00:02:16,099
Oh, I see it.
62
00:02:16,185 --> 00:02:17,885
No, you don't.
There's nothing there.
63
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:19,770
What, have you got
shit in your eyes?
64
00:02:19,855 --> 00:02:20,637
Enough.
65
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:21,972
(Peepers)
I blame myself.
66
00:02:22,057 --> 00:02:23,557
Obviously I haven't
trained you properly.
67
00:02:23,642 --> 00:02:29,112
Even a bull can give milk,
if you pump it hard enough.
68
00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:30,864
Servants dismissed.
69
00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:34,701
Chair.
70
00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:36,069
Stay.
71
00:02:37,823 --> 00:02:38,956
(Frederick)
The pageant categories
72
00:02:39,041 --> 00:02:42,960
are talent, bathing costumes,
and Q&A.
73
00:02:43,045 --> 00:02:44,044
Q-nay?
74
00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:45,329
Question and answer.
75
00:02:45,414 --> 00:02:46,497
(Frederick)
Let's focus on talent.
76
00:02:46,582 --> 00:02:47,915
What are you good at?
77
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,416
Everybody tells me
I'm good at everything.
78
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:51,084
Well, why don't we try singing?
79
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,086
Ooh, okay.
80
00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:56,006
Ha ha ha ha ha
81
00:02:56,091 --> 00:02:59,176
[atonal moan]
82
00:02:59,261 --> 00:03:02,563
Ha ha ha ha ha
83
00:03:02,681 --> 00:03:05,349
[atonal moan]
84
00:03:05,434 --> 00:03:07,017
Do you know any more songs?
85
00:03:07,102 --> 00:03:08,151
Oh, songs.
86
00:03:08,237 --> 00:03:09,686
I thought we were
just making noises.
87
00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:11,021
- Oh.
- How about this one?
88
00:03:11,106 --> 00:03:14,074
[operatically]
O mio babbino caro...
89
00:03:17,029 --> 00:03:18,612
Like that?
90
00:03:18,697 --> 00:03:19,780
I can't decide.
91
00:03:19,865 --> 00:03:21,782
I liked all of your songs
the same.
92
00:03:23,869 --> 00:03:26,920
(Dr. Goldberg)
Scalpel.
93
00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:28,539
(Victor)
Please don't let him die.
94
00:03:28,624 --> 00:03:30,924
Never had a white man die
on my watch.
95
00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:32,709
[squelching]
96
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:35,045
Ah.
97
00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:36,630
Wow.
98
00:03:36,715 --> 00:03:38,549
This competition
was Albert's baby.
99
00:03:38,684 --> 00:03:41,218
(Victor) His vegetables won
Newport's Most Beautiful pageant
100
00:03:41,353 --> 00:03:43,637
for the last five years.
101
00:03:43,722 --> 00:03:45,689
This is last year's winner,
102
00:03:45,774 --> 00:03:47,190
the Pink Surprise,
103
00:03:47,276 --> 00:03:50,193
a sinful combination
of Scottish high potato
104
00:03:50,279 --> 00:03:51,895
crossed with
a hothouse eggplant.
105
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,031
(Victor)
And this blue ribbon winner
106
00:03:54,116 --> 00:03:58,368
is a daikon root
I call "Hop On It."
107
00:03:58,454 --> 00:03:59,486
Look at that thing.
108
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:01,405
So proud of it.
109
00:04:01,490 --> 00:04:04,207
I've decided to honor
Albert's legacy
110
00:04:04,293 --> 00:04:07,210
by coaching the biggest
vegetable I know--
111
00:04:07,296 --> 00:04:08,829
other than you, honey.
112
00:04:08,914 --> 00:04:10,964
I'm speaking, of course,
about Lillian.
113
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,666
Which side do you think
is better for the biscuit tin?
114
00:04:12,751 --> 00:04:14,751
The right or the left?
115
00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:16,386
Is there a third choice?
116
00:04:16,472 --> 00:04:19,172
Now, we need to choreograph
a dance if you want to win.
117
00:04:19,258 --> 00:04:21,675
Maybe this biscuit tin
will be just the beginning.
118
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,646
Imagine my face on a milk jar,
or an oat sack.
119
00:04:25,764 --> 00:04:27,931
I can only imagine your face
on a nut sack.
120
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,600
Isn't there
an award-winning cucumber
121
00:04:29,685 --> 00:04:31,268
you could go sit on?
122
00:04:31,353 --> 00:04:32,436
Listen, honey, there's not time
123
00:04:32,571 --> 00:04:33,737
to break your nose
and reset it.
124
00:04:33,822 --> 00:04:35,238
I'm telling you,
if you want to win,
125
00:04:35,324 --> 00:04:36,690
I have to coach you.
126
00:04:36,775 --> 00:04:38,158
I am a once-in-a-generation
beauty.
127
00:04:38,277 --> 00:04:39,192
[scoffs]
128
00:04:39,278 --> 00:04:40,527
Who on earth could beat me?
129
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:41,828
[sighs]
130
00:04:42,781 --> 00:04:44,448
(Victor)
Literally all of them,
131
00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:47,000
especially that cabbage.
132
00:04:47,119 --> 00:04:48,585
Help me.
133
00:04:48,671 --> 00:04:51,338
(Hortense) Now we all know this
pageant simply cannot proceed.
134
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:52,456
Here, here.
135
00:04:52,541 --> 00:04:53,674
I propose one of us enter
136
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:55,459
and bring it down
from the inside.
137
00:04:55,544 --> 00:04:56,960
Yes, but whom?
138
00:04:57,096 --> 00:05:00,631
Whomever is the most
attractive, I suppose.
139
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,723
Well, Hortense,
140
00:05:09,808 --> 00:05:11,308
you do have a stately brow
141
00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:13,310
and businesslike
shoulder blades.
142
00:05:13,395 --> 00:05:14,645
Thank you.
143
00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,196
And Cornetta,
your unfortunate gum line
144
00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:19,149
is barely noticeable due to
the stoutness of your carriage.
145
00:05:19,234 --> 00:05:20,233
Thank you.
146
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:21,485
And Abortion Deb,
147
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,704
your hair is the color
of baked bread.
148
00:05:23,822 --> 00:05:25,238
Oh, thank you.
149
00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:29,159
And Eunice, your body's
as pale as tooth powder.
150
00:05:29,244 --> 00:05:30,627
Thank you.
151
00:05:30,713 --> 00:05:32,663
But ultimately, I do believe
152
00:05:32,748 --> 00:05:34,665
it is Hortense
who is the most comely.
153
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,916
(Abortion Deb)
I agree.
154
00:05:36,001 --> 00:05:37,718
Most people only have
one beauty mark,
155
00:05:37,836 --> 00:05:40,170
but you have so, so many.
156
00:05:40,305 --> 00:05:42,172
You are definitely
the comeliest.
157
00:05:42,257 --> 00:05:43,757
You shall enter.
158
00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:50,097
Being incredibly rich
means we can afford
159
00:05:50,182 --> 00:05:51,348
any host we want.
160
00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:52,766
But no one good was available,
161
00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:55,352
so we got stuck
with Dan Ringling.
162
00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:57,854
[applause]
163
00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:03,860
The Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant
164
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,912
Newport's Most Beautiful
165
00:06:06,031 --> 00:06:07,531
Newport's most gay
166
00:06:07,616 --> 00:06:08,949
Newport's Most Beautiful
167
00:06:09,034 --> 00:06:10,701
It's happening today
168
00:06:10,786 --> 00:06:14,087
Babies, cabbages, women,
whoa
169
00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:17,290
Who will be the victor
of the show?
170
00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:23,046
[breathing heavily]
171
00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:25,549
(Dan)
Babies, cabbages,
172
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:27,100
and beautiful women.
173
00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:29,052
It's almost as if we're in
some sort of
174
00:06:29,188 --> 00:06:32,189
weird pervert's sexual fantasy.
175
00:06:32,274 --> 00:06:35,225
[jaunty piano music]
176
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:41,898
Good luck, Lillian.
177
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:43,817
Save your mind games, Beatrice.
178
00:06:43,902 --> 00:06:46,787
Are you sure we shouldn't
have her "disqualified"?
179
00:06:46,905 --> 00:06:48,321
Oh, she's a non-threat,
180
00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:50,290
unless they're judging on
"looking confused,"
181
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:53,160
"incest,"
or "freestyle dummy talk."
182
00:06:53,245 --> 00:06:56,046
Now let's ogle our next
human contestants.
183
00:06:56,131 --> 00:07:00,300
Lillian Abigail Hitler
Schmemmerhorn-Fish!
184
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:05,172
Present and ready to win.
185
00:07:05,257 --> 00:07:08,558
Miss Beatrice Tiffani
Ambitheissen Downsy.
186
00:07:08,644 --> 00:07:12,145
[cheers and applause]
187
00:07:12,264 --> 00:07:13,930
Also present.
188
00:07:17,319 --> 00:07:20,771
And Miss Hortense
Jefferson Library Bellacourt.
189
00:07:20,906 --> 00:07:22,522
[sparse applause]
190
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:25,025
(Dan) Even though there's 100%
certainty she will not win,
191
00:07:25,110 --> 00:07:27,027
she is technically
a female adult
192
00:07:27,112 --> 00:07:29,446
and, therefore,
is allowed to enter.
193
00:07:29,531 --> 00:07:31,665
Are you kidding me?
194
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:33,116
Are you blind?
195
00:07:33,218 --> 00:07:36,119
Let's get started
with the compulsories.
196
00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:37,454
This way.
197
00:07:37,539 --> 00:07:39,623
Okay, turn.
198
00:07:39,758 --> 00:07:41,174
What are you doing here?
199
00:07:41,293 --> 00:07:43,176
Fighting for women's
liberation.
200
00:07:48,161 --> 00:07:49,443
Before I'm crowned the winner,
201
00:07:49,529 --> 00:07:50,945
they must make sure
all the contestants
202
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,081
meet the barest standards
of human beauty.
203
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:56,000
This is a lot better
than having gone to college.
204
00:07:56,119 --> 00:07:58,169
Now, remember,
we're looking for 32 teeth.
205
00:07:58,287 --> 00:07:59,954
(Dan)
No yellows, no wooden.
206
00:08:00,039 --> 00:08:01,122
See that?
Let me see that?
207
00:08:01,257 --> 00:08:02,873
Excuse me.
208
00:08:02,959 --> 00:08:04,792
(Scoops) For those who are
worthy of knowing me,
209
00:08:04,877 --> 00:08:07,695
I am Scoops LePue.
210
00:08:07,797 --> 00:08:09,513
I cover all things
whisper-worthy
211
00:08:09,632 --> 00:08:12,183
in the Newport Looky Loo.
212
00:08:13,636 --> 00:08:16,270
[applause]
213
00:08:16,356 --> 00:08:18,305
Beatrice, if you please.
214
00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:24,228
Lillian.
215
00:08:35,658 --> 00:08:37,291
I'm fine!
216
00:08:37,377 --> 00:08:40,327
[grunting]
217
00:08:40,413 --> 00:08:41,495
Oh, come on now.
218
00:08:41,581 --> 00:08:43,631
Ah!
219
00:08:43,716 --> 00:08:45,666
The hips may try,
but the silhouette don't lie.
220
00:08:45,802 --> 00:08:47,251
Masculine-jawed woman,
221
00:08:47,336 --> 00:08:49,336
you are officially disqualified
from the competition.
222
00:08:49,422 --> 00:08:51,005
Disgusting.
223
00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:52,223
Please, I can get through.
224
00:08:52,341 --> 00:08:53,007
Get out!
225
00:08:53,142 --> 00:08:54,225
Give me another second.
226
00:08:54,343 --> 00:08:55,726
(Dan)
A stick of butter?
227
00:08:55,845 --> 00:08:57,511
Okay.
228
00:08:57,597 --> 00:08:59,180
Destroyed my silhouette.
229
00:08:59,315 --> 00:09:01,232
Let's go, let's go.
230
00:09:01,350 --> 00:09:05,319
billionaire, billionaire,
bitch, kiss the ring
231
00:09:05,405 --> 00:09:07,188
Your first lesson is,
you must learn
232
00:09:07,323 --> 00:09:10,357
to blend into the walls
when a family member passes.
233
00:09:10,493 --> 00:09:13,411
You must be as the chameleon,
234
00:09:13,529 --> 00:09:15,496
servant of the desert.
235
00:09:15,581 --> 00:09:16,614
Like this.
236
00:09:18,835 --> 00:09:19,867
Do you see?
237
00:09:19,952 --> 00:09:22,203
Service is a calling
238
00:09:22,338 --> 00:09:23,921
from the Loudon Agency.
239
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,122
They take 10%,
240
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,208
which I will garnish
from your wages.
241
00:09:27,343 --> 00:09:30,211
The lady of the house
approaches-- blend!
242
00:09:32,181 --> 00:09:33,180
(Peepers)
Blend more.
243
00:09:33,266 --> 00:09:35,049
(Chair)
I'm blending.
244
00:09:36,853 --> 00:09:38,385
And release.
245
00:09:42,358 --> 00:09:44,391
You are an abomination.
246
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,696
Wonderful.
247
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:50,481
Beautiful.
248
00:09:50,566 --> 00:09:52,283
Well, we've seen the cabbages.
249
00:09:52,401 --> 00:09:53,784
We've smelled the babies.
250
00:09:53,903 --> 00:09:55,569
Now let's quiz the humans.
251
00:09:55,655 --> 00:09:57,371
Please welcome Beatrice.
252
00:09:57,457 --> 00:10:00,074
[applause]
253
00:10:00,159 --> 00:10:01,625
Kiss for luck?
254
00:10:01,744 --> 00:10:03,244
Oh.
255
00:10:03,379 --> 00:10:04,628
Okay.
256
00:10:04,747 --> 00:10:06,130
Ooh, a hard one.
257
00:10:06,249 --> 00:10:08,833
What is your favorite
time of day?
258
00:10:08,918 --> 00:10:11,385
[clock ticking]
259
00:10:11,471 --> 00:10:12,753
Um...
260
00:10:12,839 --> 00:10:15,756
[suspenseful music]
261
00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:17,808
262
00:10:17,927 --> 00:10:20,594
I think I should ask a man.
263
00:10:20,730 --> 00:10:23,731
(Dan) I can't think of a better
answer from a prettier gal.
264
00:10:23,816 --> 00:10:25,733
It's like watching a dog talk.
265
00:10:25,818 --> 00:10:28,769
A beautiful dog
that I'd like to penetrate.
266
00:10:28,905 --> 00:10:30,070
And now Lillian.
267
00:10:30,156 --> 00:10:32,656
[applause]
268
00:10:32,775 --> 00:10:34,024
Just a kiss for luck?
269
00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:36,277
I don't need luck.
270
00:10:36,412 --> 00:10:37,778
Very well.
271
00:10:37,864 --> 00:10:39,029
Pick a good question for you.
272
00:10:39,115 --> 00:10:40,664
Nope, not that one.
273
00:10:40,783 --> 00:10:42,449
Ah, here we are.
274
00:10:42,585 --> 00:10:44,785
Given the passage
of the 1902 Organic Act
275
00:10:44,921 --> 00:10:46,253
granting limited
self-government
276
00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:47,788
to the people
of the Philippines,
277
00:10:47,924 --> 00:10:49,874
what policies can engender
longtime maritime futures
278
00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:51,175
in the region?
279
00:10:51,294 --> 00:10:52,843
Please include
possible naval advances
280
00:10:52,962 --> 00:10:55,212
of the Japanese in your answer.
281
00:10:55,298 --> 00:10:57,715
What-- what kind
of question is that?
282
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,801
I want one like Beatrice got.
283
00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:02,603
A little lippy,
not encouraging.
284
00:11:02,688 --> 00:11:04,805
Judges?
285
00:11:04,941 --> 00:11:06,357
Ugh!
286
00:11:07,226 --> 00:11:08,475
What the hell was that?
287
00:11:08,561 --> 00:11:09,476
You got cocky.
288
00:11:09,612 --> 00:11:11,445
No one likes a confident woman.
289
00:11:11,531 --> 00:11:14,982
We'll make up for it
in the swimsuit competition.
290
00:11:15,117 --> 00:11:16,617
You've got that one cold.
291
00:11:16,702 --> 00:11:20,454
I mean, who wants to see a tall,
leggy blonde in a swimsuit?
292
00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:21,705
Not me.
293
00:11:21,824 --> 00:11:23,512
You were the best out there.
294
00:11:23,513 --> 00:11:26,269
- Oh, I loved it so much. And I got 10!
- You did!
295
00:11:26,462 --> 00:11:27,745
Here.
296
00:11:27,830 --> 00:11:28,996
Oh, no.
297
00:11:29,081 --> 00:11:29,997
Oh, don't worry,
it's all vodka.
298
00:11:30,132 --> 00:11:31,382
Oh.
299
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,800
Again.
300
00:11:32,885 --> 00:11:34,802
[inspirational music]
301
00:11:34,887 --> 00:11:37,254
No, again.
302
00:11:37,340 --> 00:11:38,339
(Peepers)
Again.
303
00:11:38,474 --> 00:11:40,507
(Dan)
O Cabbages
304
00:11:40,643 --> 00:11:42,309
Leafy cabbages
305
00:11:42,395 --> 00:11:43,594
(Peepers) - Again!
- [crying]
306
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:45,346
You pour champagne
like a chimpanzee.
307
00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:46,847
Again!
308
00:11:46,933 --> 00:11:48,682
Muriel the Baby.
309
00:11:48,818 --> 00:11:49,683
[applause]
310
00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:51,268
[Dan laughs]
311
00:11:55,241 --> 00:11:56,991
You'll pour until
I tell you to stop.
312
00:11:57,076 --> 00:11:57,992
- Oh, damn you!
- [crying] No, God!
313
00:11:58,077 --> 00:11:59,827
Again, again, again!
314
00:11:59,912 --> 00:12:01,078
(Dan)
Swimsuits
315
00:12:01,197 --> 00:12:03,831
20th century swimsuits
316
00:12:03,916 --> 00:12:06,116
[applause]
317
00:12:13,376 --> 00:12:15,259
- Again!
- I can't do it!
318
00:12:15,378 --> 00:12:16,877
You can and you will!
319
00:12:19,465 --> 00:12:20,881
(Dan)
Wonderful.
320
00:12:20,967 --> 00:12:22,549
[applause]
321
00:12:24,053 --> 00:12:24,935
Ow!
322
00:12:25,054 --> 00:12:26,604
(Dan)
Okay.
323
00:12:26,722 --> 00:12:28,555
Yes, Chair,
that's how you pour champagne.
324
00:12:28,691 --> 00:12:30,024
Again.
325
00:12:30,109 --> 00:12:31,609
[laughing]
326
00:12:31,727 --> 00:12:34,144
Wonderful, Chair,
you've done it!
327
00:12:38,484 --> 00:12:40,818
- All right, cut it out.
- Cut what out?
328
00:12:40,903 --> 00:12:42,703
- You know what you're doing.
- I never know what I'm doing.
329
00:12:42,788 --> 00:12:44,371
I barely know
what I'm saying right now.
330
00:12:44,457 --> 00:12:46,740
Stop winning.
I'm supposed to get the crown!
331
00:12:46,826 --> 00:12:48,659
Oh, what, I can't be better
than you at anything?
332
00:12:48,744 --> 00:12:50,911
That's the dynamic that's
been working for us so far!
333
00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:52,296
Well, I don't accept
that paradigm!
334
00:12:52,415 --> 00:12:53,914
I'll see you
at the breakfast table.
335
00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:55,165
I'll be the one smiling at you
336
00:12:55,251 --> 00:12:56,467
from the inside
of a biscuit tin.
337
00:12:56,585 --> 00:12:58,836
It's the outside
of a biscuit tin,
338
00:12:58,921 --> 00:13:00,754
you human potato!
339
00:13:03,843 --> 00:13:05,092
Egh!
340
00:13:05,177 --> 00:13:06,760
Don't worry, my love.
341
00:13:06,896 --> 00:13:10,514
We still have a lucky clover
up our sleeve.
342
00:13:12,435 --> 00:13:15,185
Such delicious gruel today,
isn't it, Towel?
343
00:13:15,271 --> 00:13:18,155
All right, you can have
a little bite.
344
00:13:18,274 --> 00:13:20,107
Listen, everybody.
345
00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:25,446
The pageant has filled
the porcelain with poopy.
346
00:13:25,581 --> 00:13:27,414
Chair, the next chapter
in your training
347
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,416
is to transport the feces
to the ocean
348
00:13:29,502 --> 00:13:30,784
throughout the festivities.
349
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,119
I'll help her.
350
00:13:32,204 --> 00:13:33,287
No, I'm fine.
351
00:13:33,372 --> 00:13:36,123
I can transport
the feces on my own.
352
00:13:36,258 --> 00:13:37,791
It would be good
to have two people
353
00:13:37,877 --> 00:13:39,376
on such an important task.
354
00:13:39,462 --> 00:13:42,846
Yes, Hamish, go with her.
355
00:13:42,965 --> 00:13:44,631
Great.
356
00:13:53,359 --> 00:13:56,443
God, how much feces
can these people produce?
357
00:13:56,529 --> 00:13:59,113
Whatever amount keeps you
gainfully employed.
358
00:13:59,198 --> 00:14:01,065
How much further is the sea?
359
00:14:01,150 --> 00:14:03,117
I ain't no mapmaker.
360
00:14:03,202 --> 00:14:04,368
I don't stops walking
361
00:14:04,487 --> 00:14:07,621
until the sea water
is in my nose.
362
00:14:07,707 --> 00:14:08,539
[gagging]
363
00:14:08,657 --> 00:14:09,823
I think I'm gonna be sick.
364
00:14:09,959 --> 00:14:11,875
Oh, not me.
365
00:14:11,994 --> 00:14:13,377
[breathes deeply]
366
00:14:13,496 --> 00:14:14,661
Reminds me of that time
367
00:14:14,797 --> 00:14:18,716
we split guts at that
oceanside shanty.
368
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:20,801
That was some boning
for the ages, huh?
369
00:14:20,886 --> 00:14:22,052
[retching]
370
00:14:22,171 --> 00:14:24,371
Not in the feces!
371
00:14:24,473 --> 00:14:26,006
The thought of us
makes you sick?
372
00:14:26,142 --> 00:14:29,259
Everything about you
makes me sick.
373
00:14:29,345 --> 00:14:30,844
- You want to push me, huh?
- No.
374
00:14:30,930 --> 00:14:32,179
You want to push me?
375
00:14:32,264 --> 00:14:34,932
I can make things
much worse for you here.
376
00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:36,600
(woman)
Hello.
377
00:14:41,490 --> 00:14:42,856
We need something from you.
378
00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:50,817
Whoo!
379
00:14:50,935 --> 00:14:52,018
Thank you, Cora.
380
00:14:52,103 --> 00:14:53,936
I have never seen
a suitcase packed so fast.
381
00:14:54,022 --> 00:14:55,488
Now, that is talent.
382
00:14:55,607 --> 00:14:59,242
Up next is
the strangely angry Lillian.
383
00:14:59,344 --> 00:15:00,777
(Victor)
With Albert still unconscious,
384
00:15:00,862 --> 00:15:02,829
Lillian's abysmal performance
385
00:15:02,947 --> 00:15:05,748
threatens to undo
Albert's winning streak.
386
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:08,918
Time to dust off
an old crowd-pleaser.
387
00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:10,086
Aye, there.
388
00:15:10,171 --> 00:15:12,789
Who has me potato?
389
00:15:12,874 --> 00:15:14,123
Mick Face.
390
00:15:14,209 --> 00:15:15,124
[laughter]
391
00:15:15,210 --> 00:15:16,125
I drink all night
392
00:15:16,211 --> 00:15:17,343
I drink all day
393
00:15:17,462 --> 00:15:18,961
I punch me wife
the Irish way
394
00:15:19,097 --> 00:15:20,296
Huh!
395
00:15:20,431 --> 00:15:21,764
Go to the bar,
spend all our quid
396
00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:23,432
My wife stays home
and has another kid
397
00:15:23,518 --> 00:15:25,051
Got ginger hair,
I'm a Catholic
398
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,353
I'm a drunk
potato-loving dirty Mick
399
00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:31,774
O Danny Boy,
the alcohol is calling
400
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:36,195
It's saying I'm a pissed
old Paddy snout
401
00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:40,426
And we won't win
our pointless war with England
402
00:15:40,485 --> 00:15:43,736
And no one wants us here
so we should just get out
403
00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:46,205
I don't know how
she manages to do it,
404
00:15:46,324 --> 00:15:49,826
but Lillian is always
on the cutting edge of comedy.
405
00:15:49,961 --> 00:15:51,077
[laughs]
406
00:15:51,162 --> 00:15:52,662
When God made me,
he was playing a trick
407
00:15:52,797 --> 00:15:54,163
'cause I'm a drunk,
potato-loving
408
00:15:54,249 --> 00:15:55,498
wife-beating, bar-fighting,
ginger-haired
409
00:15:55,633 --> 00:15:59,969
disgusting dirty Mick
410
00:16:00,054 --> 00:16:01,170
Thank you.
411
00:16:01,306 --> 00:16:02,255
[cheers and applause]
412
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:04,307
Thank you.
413
00:16:04,392 --> 00:16:05,725
Judges.
414
00:16:05,844 --> 00:16:08,427
(Dan)
Two tens and-- oh, a zero,
415
00:16:08,513 --> 00:16:10,730
from the esteemed gentleman
from Donegal.
416
00:16:10,849 --> 00:16:13,232
Seemed to be a crowd-pleaser,
but we do need to be sensitive
417
00:16:13,351 --> 00:16:15,318
to all the white races.
418
00:16:15,403 --> 00:16:16,435
A zero?
419
00:16:16,521 --> 00:16:18,020
(Victor)
Are you joshing me?
420
00:16:18,106 --> 00:16:20,189
Oh, I'm sorry
if we offended you,
421
00:16:20,325 --> 00:16:23,359
but we are just saying
what everyone is thinking.
422
00:16:23,444 --> 00:16:24,694
Get him out of here!
423
00:16:24,779 --> 00:16:25,661
No.
424
00:16:25,747 --> 00:16:26,445
Lillian!
425
00:16:26,531 --> 00:16:28,030
By any means necessary!
426
00:16:28,116 --> 00:16:29,081
Do as we discussed!
427
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,535
Coach says show no mercy!
428
00:16:32,670 --> 00:16:36,539
(Dan) Now the performance
from the beautiful Beatrice.
429
00:16:36,624 --> 00:16:40,426
[applause]
430
00:16:40,545 --> 00:16:41,627
[single note]
431
00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:46,933
[operatically]
O mio babbino Caro...
432
00:16:47,051 --> 00:16:47,934
[sharp whoosh]
433
00:16:48,052 --> 00:16:49,936
[audience gasps]
434
00:16:50,054 --> 00:16:51,387
Oh.
435
00:16:51,522 --> 00:16:52,939
[mumbling]
436
00:16:53,057 --> 00:16:54,607
[audience groans]
437
00:16:57,395 --> 00:16:59,028
Majestic no more.
438
00:16:59,113 --> 00:17:02,315
(Dan) It saddens me to say
that crowd-favorite Beatrice
439
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,566
is disqualified.
440
00:17:03,651 --> 00:17:05,401
[squirting]
441
00:17:05,486 --> 00:17:06,485
What happened?
442
00:17:06,571 --> 00:17:07,954
Did I win?
443
00:17:08,072 --> 00:17:08,871
No.
444
00:17:08,957 --> 00:17:10,656
You were shot with a blow dart.
445
00:17:10,742 --> 00:17:13,242
What?
Oh...
446
00:17:13,328 --> 00:17:14,744
Did I at least sing good?
447
00:17:14,829 --> 00:17:16,712
You were magnificent.
448
00:17:16,798 --> 00:17:18,497
And even though
you were disqualified,
449
00:17:18,583 --> 00:17:21,634
you're still
the apple of my penis.
450
00:17:29,644 --> 00:17:32,478
[inspirational music]
451
00:17:32,597 --> 00:17:33,930
Oh!
452
00:17:34,015 --> 00:17:35,765
(Dan)
But the show must go on.
453
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:37,984
It's now down
to Lillian the Bitch,
454
00:17:38,102 --> 00:17:39,402
Muriel the Baby,
455
00:17:39,487 --> 00:17:42,154
and Old Glory the Cabbage.
456
00:17:45,443 --> 00:17:46,692
If I were you, I would walk
457
00:17:46,778 --> 00:17:47,944
your bowlegged little ass
out of here
458
00:17:48,079 --> 00:17:49,578
and go back to your trash life.
459
00:17:49,664 --> 00:17:52,248
Oh, that's right,
you can't walk.
460
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:53,366
[baby coos]
461
00:17:53,451 --> 00:17:55,084
Can't talk yet either, huh?
462
00:17:55,169 --> 00:17:56,252
What was that?
463
00:17:56,337 --> 00:17:57,253
[baby cries]
464
00:17:57,338 --> 00:17:59,038
[cries mockingly]
465
00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:00,873
That biscuit tin is mine.
466
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,425
I'm gonna make you wish
you ended up
467
00:18:02,510 --> 00:18:04,877
a puddle on your mother's face!
468
00:18:08,016 --> 00:18:09,849
It's the moment we've
all been waiting for.
469
00:18:09,968 --> 00:18:12,218
(Dan)
Who-- or what--
470
00:18:12,303 --> 00:18:13,686
will be the winner of the 1902
471
00:18:13,805 --> 00:18:15,388
Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant?
472
00:18:15,473 --> 00:18:18,441
(Dan) You can feel the
tension in the air.
473
00:18:18,526 --> 00:18:19,642
And the winner is...
474
00:18:19,727 --> 00:18:22,445
[drum roll]
475
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:23,896
Due to a statistical anomaly,
476
00:18:23,982 --> 00:18:26,983
Lillian Abigail Hitler
Schmemmerhorn-Fish.
477
00:18:27,068 --> 00:18:30,036
[applause]
478
00:18:41,049 --> 00:18:43,966
[ominous music]
479
00:18:44,052 --> 00:18:45,801
480
00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,971
[suspenseful music]
481
00:18:49,057 --> 00:18:57,046
482
00:19:15,450 --> 00:19:17,416
[distorted]
What the hell?
483
00:19:17,535 --> 00:19:19,085
[splatting]
484
00:19:21,251 --> 00:19:23,968
Well, that was a bit
of a cock-up.
485
00:19:24,054 --> 00:19:25,470
The only good news was,
I convinced
486
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,505
that gossip reporter
Scoops LePue
487
00:19:27,641 --> 00:19:29,174
not to cover the debacle.
488
00:19:29,309 --> 00:19:30,809
(Beatrice) I may have
lost, but I lost--
489
00:19:30,894 --> 00:19:32,727
[mumbling]
490
00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:34,346
Sorry, the drugs
from the blow dart
491
00:19:34,481 --> 00:19:36,281
made me speak hard.
492
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,315
[exhales]
493
00:19:37,401 --> 00:19:39,184
I just wanted
to ruin the pageant.
494
00:19:39,269 --> 00:19:40,935
The fact that I got
to ruin my sister
495
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:42,687
was just a bonus.
496
00:19:42,773 --> 00:19:44,856
(Hortense)
Scoops LePue, hi.
497
00:19:44,991 --> 00:19:46,324
So nice to meet
a fellow writer.
498
00:19:46,410 --> 00:19:47,492
Ooh, a woman writer.
499
00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:49,194
What kind of cookbook
are you working on?
500
00:19:49,329 --> 00:19:51,246
I may be a woman,
but I'm a real writer,
501
00:19:51,365 --> 00:19:53,531
with family secrets
and no shame.
502
00:19:53,617 --> 00:19:54,582
Take my card.
503
00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:57,085
Use it wisely.
504
00:19:57,204 --> 00:19:58,119
Do you need some help?
505
00:19:58,205 --> 00:20:00,255
No, I'm fine--
get off me.
506
00:20:00,374 --> 00:20:01,589
[door opens]
507
00:20:01,708 --> 00:20:02,590
Albert!
508
00:20:02,709 --> 00:20:04,125
Albert, we won!
509
00:20:04,211 --> 00:20:05,877
Oh, it was magnificent.
510
00:20:06,012 --> 00:20:08,596
(Victor) In the end, Lillian and
I both got what we deserved.
511
00:20:08,715 --> 00:20:12,117
I won the trophy,
and she was doused in feces.
512
00:20:12,219 --> 00:20:13,885
I wish you could
have been there.
513
00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:16,054
- Hot dog, man, you did it.
- We did it.
514
00:20:16,189 --> 00:20:18,056
Congratulations.
515
00:20:24,481 --> 00:20:27,365
[dramatic music]
516
00:20:27,451 --> 00:20:31,569
517
00:20:31,655 --> 00:20:32,537
How is he doing?
518
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:34,823
He seems to be improving
quite a bit.
519
00:20:34,908 --> 00:20:36,074
Uh-huh.
520
00:20:38,245 --> 00:20:40,245
- Mmm...
- [rings bell]
521
00:20:41,415 --> 00:20:44,299
[operatic music]
522
00:20:44,418 --> 00:20:46,801
523
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,219
I won!
524
00:20:48,305 --> 00:20:49,921
Only-- strange thing--
they decided not
525
00:20:50,006 --> 00:20:51,222
to award the winner
of the pageant
526
00:20:51,308 --> 00:20:53,174
the cover of the biscuit tin.
527
00:20:55,595 --> 00:20:57,429
That's not me.
528
00:20:57,826 --> 00:21:00,773
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
529
00:21:00,823 --> 00:21:05,373
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