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1
00:00:01,078 --> 00:00:03,085
Katie! It's Sage.
2
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,764
I wanted to see if you'd
volunteer at the Fall Festival.
3
00:00:05,789 --> 00:00:08,385
I've got a five-hour block
on the lunch-lady line.
4
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:10,099
Sloppy Tofurkey Joes!
5
00:00:10,159 --> 00:00:11,859
How can you say "no" s?
6
00:00:11,963 --> 00:00:14,463
[Chuckles] I rhymed. Call me!
7
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:16,719
Ooh! The Fall Festival.
8
00:00:16,781 --> 00:00:17,974
- Delete.
- [Cellphone beeps]
9
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:20,185
Katie: It's not easy avoiding
mandatory volunteering
10
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:22,621
for an entire school year, but I do it.
11
00:00:22,657 --> 00:00:24,312
I do it for moms everywhere.
12
00:00:24,453 --> 00:00:26,253
We slave away for free every day.
13
00:00:26,339 --> 00:00:28,056
Why should we perform unpaid labor?
14
00:00:28,123 --> 00:00:29,473
Katie!
15
00:00:29,525 --> 00:00:31,742
Just seeing if you can volunteer
for the Winter Festival.
16
00:00:31,827 --> 00:00:33,243
Can't talk... just swallowed a bug.
17
00:00:33,295 --> 00:00:35,379
Got to run home and get it out
before it lays eggs.
18
00:00:35,464 --> 00:00:36,430
Just send a message.
19
00:00:36,515 --> 00:00:37,981
But you never return my messages.
20
00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:39,199
Sounds good!
21
00:00:39,284 --> 00:00:42,085
22
00:00:42,171 --> 00:00:43,253
[Groans]
23
00:00:45,174 --> 00:00:46,205
[Knock on door]
24
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,583
Sage: Katie? Are you there?
25
00:00:47,626 --> 00:00:49,059
The school year's almost over,
26
00:00:49,094 --> 00:00:51,778
and you have to complete
your mandatory volunteer hours.
27
00:00:51,864 --> 00:00:53,113
I know you're in there, Katie.
28
00:00:53,198 --> 00:00:54,898
The hood of your car is
hot to the touch,
29
00:00:54,983 --> 00:00:56,399
so I can tell you just got home.
30
00:00:56,451 --> 00:00:58,068
Katie, if you don't complete your hours,
31
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,036
the kids will stop
looking up to us as role models,
32
00:01:00,072 --> 00:01:01,738
- and then they'll turn to drugs!
- [Doorbell ringing rapidly]
33
00:01:01,790 --> 00:01:04,541
Okay, I just have to stay quiet
for five more minutes.
34
00:01:04,576 --> 00:01:06,793
Then the sprinklers go on.
35
00:01:06,879 --> 00:01:09,646
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
36
00:01:11,834 --> 00:01:12,999
37
00:01:13,085 --> 00:01:15,085
Hey. Listen to the intro
I just wrote for my book.
38
00:01:15,137 --> 00:01:17,170
"Scholars have, for years,
thought they'd squeezed
39
00:01:17,256 --> 00:01:19,172
all they could out of
Elizabethan philosophy"...
40
00:01:19,258 --> 00:01:20,757
Greg, does this ever
work out well for us,
41
00:01:20,843 --> 00:01:22,425
when you read me smart things you wrote?
42
00:01:22,511 --> 00:01:24,477
Sometimes, in order to avoid it,
you sleep with me.
43
00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:25,762
So yes.
44
00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:27,347
Didn't you just do laundry?
45
00:01:27,432 --> 00:01:29,766
What you don't understand is,
I'm always doing laundry.
46
00:01:29,852 --> 00:01:31,234
Except for when I'm doing dishes,
47
00:01:31,270 --> 00:01:33,320
which is ceramic laundry.
48
00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:34,855
But I'm actually
giving these clothes away
49
00:01:34,940 --> 00:01:35,939
to needy children.
50
00:01:36,024 --> 00:01:37,274
Aww.
51
00:01:38,577 --> 00:01:41,077
Oliver wore this
at his first birthday party.
52
00:01:41,113 --> 00:01:43,524
Back when he didn't mind that we
bought his clothes from Costco.
53
00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:44,364
[Chuckles]
54
00:01:44,449 --> 00:01:46,366
Angela got suckered in to volunteering
55
00:01:46,451 --> 00:01:47,834
for the children's clothing drive.
56
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,453
Sage cornered her because
Angela's not as sneaky as me.
57
00:01:50,539 --> 00:01:52,122
I'm just gonna save this.
58
00:01:52,207 --> 00:01:53,673
You never know.
59
00:01:53,759 --> 00:01:55,709
If you are talking
about having more kids,
60
00:01:55,794 --> 00:01:56,626
I do know.
61
00:01:56,712 --> 00:01:58,044
I am one year away
62
00:01:58,130 --> 00:02:00,263
from Taylor being able
to drive everybody to school.
63
00:02:00,299 --> 00:02:01,965
That's called retirement, man!
64
00:02:02,050 --> 00:02:04,384
I don't know. It'd be nice
for there to be six of us.
65
00:02:04,469 --> 00:02:06,970
You know, so we can fill
the toboggan at Splash Mountain.
66
00:02:07,022 --> 00:02:09,306
Not have some creepy stranger
ruining our picture.
67
00:02:09,391 --> 00:02:10,724
Great reason to have a baby, Greg.
68
00:02:10,809 --> 00:02:12,893
Don't you miss having
a little one around the house?
69
00:02:12,978 --> 00:02:16,313
That baby smell and those little socks?
70
00:02:16,365 --> 00:02:18,915
And that look they give you
when they take their first steps
71
00:02:18,951 --> 00:02:20,116
and fall into your arms?
72
00:02:20,202 --> 00:02:21,384
Yeah.
73
00:02:21,420 --> 00:02:23,753
And they always say "Mama"
before they say "Dada."
74
00:02:23,805 --> 00:02:24,938
That is true.
75
00:02:25,023 --> 00:02:26,439
Hey, can you two knock it off?
76
00:02:26,525 --> 00:02:28,408
And then they learn to talk,
and it all goes to hell.
77
00:02:28,493 --> 00:02:31,111
I'm upstairs,
going over my ballet routine,
78
00:02:31,196 --> 00:02:32,963
and all I hear
is you two blathering away.
79
00:02:33,048 --> 00:02:34,264
- Hey!
- No "Hey"!
80
00:02:34,299 --> 00:02:36,516
My recital is coming up,
and if I don't do well,
81
00:02:36,602 --> 00:02:37,901
I don't advance to the next level.
82
00:02:37,936 --> 00:02:39,736
And then my plan
to get a ballet scholarship
83
00:02:39,788 --> 00:02:41,671
into Harvard is over... over!
84
00:02:41,707 --> 00:02:43,340
Wow. You are one angry...
85
00:02:43,375 --> 00:02:45,141
whatever a male ballet dancer is called.
86
00:02:45,177 --> 00:02:46,176
"Ballerino."
87
00:02:46,261 --> 00:02:47,427
That can't be it.
88
00:02:47,512 --> 00:02:48,945
I have to work harder
than the other kids
89
00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,114
because they started
much earlier than I did...
90
00:02:51,166 --> 00:02:53,583
because their parents
wanted them to succeed in life.
91
00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:54,918
Okay.
92
00:02:55,003 --> 00:02:57,721
I know you're under a lot
of pressure with this recital,
93
00:02:57,773 --> 00:02:59,272
but if you ever talk to us
that way again,
94
00:02:59,358 --> 00:03:00,523
you're gonna go to Harvard,
95
00:03:00,575 --> 00:03:02,959
but as a cadaver
in their medical program.
96
00:03:06,932 --> 00:03:08,798
Mother/daughter selfie!
97
00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,200
- [Camera clicks]
- [Chuckles]
98
00:03:10,268 --> 00:03:11,785
Are you posting that on Instagram?
99
00:03:11,870 --> 00:03:13,370
Of course. Why else
would you take a picture?
100
00:03:13,405 --> 00:03:14,120
Mm.
101
00:03:15,507 --> 00:03:18,058
I forget how photogenic I am.
102
00:03:18,143 --> 00:03:19,342
It's unreal.
103
00:03:20,562 --> 00:03:21,778
You guys ready for school?
104
00:03:21,813 --> 00:03:23,747
- All: Yes.
- Did you make your bed, like I said?
105
00:03:23,782 --> 00:03:25,131
- No.
- I did.
106
00:03:25,217 --> 00:03:27,000
Did you put your homework
in your backpack, like I said?
107
00:03:27,085 --> 00:03:28,435
- No.
- I did.
108
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:29,719
That's why you're my favorite.
109
00:03:29,805 --> 00:03:31,905
Now, you two,
go upstairs and do what I said.
110
00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:35,075
111
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,576
- Did you brush your teeth?
- Both: Yes!
112
00:03:36,662 --> 00:03:38,662
No, you didn't. Anna-Kat, watch 'em.
113
00:03:42,517 --> 00:03:43,483
[Sighs]
114
00:03:45,704 --> 00:03:47,504
Oh, look... the Chosen One has decided
115
00:03:47,539 --> 00:03:49,806
- to grace us with her presence.
- Huh?
116
00:03:49,841 --> 00:03:52,726
It's bad enough you're the favorite.
Don't pretend to be humble, too.
117
00:03:52,811 --> 00:03:54,227
Mom likes us all the same.
118
00:03:54,312 --> 00:03:57,280
If she could only save one of us
in a flood, it'd be you.
119
00:03:57,349 --> 00:03:59,249
She'd let us drown like sewer rats.
120
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:02,719
Hey.
121
00:04:02,804 --> 00:04:05,555
I don't want you guys to be mad at me.
122
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,791
I won't be Mama's favorite anymore.
123
00:04:07,826 --> 00:04:09,325
- [Scoffs]
- Too late.
124
00:04:09,411 --> 00:04:11,544
You'll always be her favorite,
and there's nothing you can do.
125
00:04:11,630 --> 00:04:13,847
That's not true. When I'm done,
126
00:04:13,932 --> 00:04:16,349
Mama will hate me
just as much as she hates you.
127
00:04:16,435 --> 00:04:19,085
128
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:20,537
Oh. Thanks.
129
00:04:20,622 --> 00:04:22,639
This mandatory volunteering
is the worst.
130
00:04:22,674 --> 00:04:25,191
Is it even legal,
forcing people to volunteer?
131
00:04:25,277 --> 00:04:27,277
I think they rely
mostly on people's shame,
132
00:04:27,312 --> 00:04:29,612
which is why they've had
such a hard time with you.
133
00:04:29,698 --> 00:04:31,331
Well, I just have three weeks left.
134
00:04:31,416 --> 00:04:33,166
I can't believe you let Sage catch you.
135
00:04:33,251 --> 00:04:34,751
She was lying in wait for me
at the bottom
136
00:04:34,803 --> 00:04:36,136
of the rock-climbing wall at the gym.
137
00:04:36,221 --> 00:04:38,188
- You're giving Mr. Horsey away?
- Mm-hmm.
138
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,439
What if we need him?
139
00:04:39,524 --> 00:04:40,990
For what, Greg...
so that your old treadmill
140
00:04:41,076 --> 00:04:42,742
has a buddy to talk to in the garage?
141
00:04:42,828 --> 00:04:44,294
I'm just saying... you never know.
142
00:04:44,379 --> 00:04:45,929
Ohhh!
143
00:04:45,964 --> 00:04:47,013
No "Ohhh."
144
00:04:47,099 --> 00:04:48,932
And stop saying that.
145
00:04:49,017 --> 00:04:51,317
The baby factory is shut down,
146
00:04:51,403 --> 00:04:52,819
despite the fact
that there's still tours
147
00:04:52,904 --> 00:04:54,370
on weekends and anniversaries.
148
00:04:54,406 --> 00:04:55,538
[Gasps]
149
00:04:55,574 --> 00:04:58,374
- What in the world is that?
- This?
150
00:04:58,427 --> 00:05:01,311
Oh. This is Celeste's old empathy belly.
151
00:05:01,346 --> 00:05:02,679
When I was pregnant with our kids,
152
00:05:02,731 --> 00:05:03,847
she wore this fake baby bump
153
00:05:03,899 --> 00:05:05,482
so she could feel pregnant
along with me.
154
00:05:05,534 --> 00:05:06,950
Does it make your feet swell
155
00:05:06,985 --> 00:05:08,318
and have you pee down your leg
a little bit all the time?
156
00:05:08,403 --> 00:05:10,620
No, but if you turn it around,
it makes your butt
157
00:05:10,655 --> 00:05:12,589
really popular with a specific audience.
158
00:05:12,624 --> 00:05:14,374
I'm gonna wear this to Second Breakfast.
159
00:05:14,459 --> 00:05:16,342
I can't wait to see
the look on Doris' face.
160
00:05:16,428 --> 00:05:18,561
Yeah, Doris' shocked face is the best.
161
00:05:21,066 --> 00:05:22,282
What the...
162
00:05:23,335 --> 00:05:25,702
Oh, my God. That is hilarious!
163
00:05:25,787 --> 00:05:27,220
[Laughter]
164
00:05:27,305 --> 00:05:30,106
I am committing to this...
and eating a large breakfast.
165
00:05:30,142 --> 00:05:32,642
Can you even imagine if this was real?
166
00:05:32,694 --> 00:05:33,860
You'd come in with your diaper bag
167
00:05:33,945 --> 00:05:35,562
and try to breast-feed your baby.
168
00:05:35,647 --> 00:05:36,813
I'd spend all breakfast
169
00:05:36,865 --> 00:05:38,948
trying not to sneak a peek
at those giant fun bags.
170
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,784
[Laughter]
171
00:05:40,869 --> 00:05:43,470
Don't worry... I'm done.
I'm finished with having babies.
172
00:05:43,555 --> 00:05:45,722
because the problem with babies
is, they become kids,
173
00:05:45,807 --> 00:05:47,273
and kids always need something from you
174
00:05:47,359 --> 00:05:48,658
when you're watching TV.
175
00:05:48,693 --> 00:05:50,493
I can't believe Greg wants another one.
176
00:05:50,529 --> 00:05:51,661
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
177
00:05:51,696 --> 00:05:53,363
- Greg hasn't had a vasectomy?
- Nope.
178
00:05:53,448 --> 00:05:55,381
You mean, you haven't had him...
[Clicks tongue]
179
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:58,168
Can't do that. His nads are
my Dead Katie Insurance.
180
00:05:58,220 --> 00:05:59,419
Is she making sense,
181
00:05:59,504 --> 00:06:01,421
or did my edible from last night
not wear off yet?
182
00:06:01,506 --> 00:06:03,189
Okay, If I suddenly die,
183
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,108
Greg is gonna need to marry someone
184
00:06:05,143 --> 00:06:06,860
to help him raise our idiot kids.
185
00:06:06,945 --> 00:06:09,445
And no halfway-decent woman
is going to sign on for that
186
00:06:09,481 --> 00:06:11,614
unless she can have
her own baby with him.
187
00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:14,501
Mm. I'm looking for the flaw
in that logic.
188
00:06:14,586 --> 00:06:16,536
But I can't find it. Well done.
189
00:06:16,621 --> 00:06:17,954
Uh-oh. Incoming.
190
00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:19,839
Sage rounding up more volunteers.
191
00:06:19,925 --> 00:06:21,141
[Whispering] Oh, God.
192
00:06:21,226 --> 00:06:23,393
Katie! [Chuckles]
193
00:06:23,428 --> 00:06:24,344
Gotcha!
194
00:06:24,429 --> 00:06:25,562
[Laughs nervously]
195
00:06:25,597 --> 00:06:27,647
Did you hear Sage, Katie? She gotcha.
196
00:06:27,732 --> 00:06:29,933
Sage, have you been getting my messages?
197
00:06:29,985 --> 00:06:31,568
Let's not do that, Katie.
198
00:06:31,603 --> 00:06:33,319
I need someone to help the school nurse
199
00:06:33,405 --> 00:06:34,821
return the medications to the kids
200
00:06:34,906 --> 00:06:36,156
the last week of school...
201
00:06:36,241 --> 00:06:39,826
EpiPens, inhalers,
ADD meds, ADHD pills...
202
00:06:39,911 --> 00:06:41,077
Ooh, I'll do it.
203
00:06:41,112 --> 00:06:43,413
All pills are logged
and accounted for, Doris.
204
00:06:43,448 --> 00:06:44,447
Then, I'm busy.
205
00:06:44,499 --> 00:06:45,915
I'm putting your name down.
206
00:06:45,951 --> 00:06:47,584
You have to arrive at school
at 7:00 a.m....
207
00:06:47,619 --> 00:06:50,336
Hold that thought! I think I see
the Latin guy from "CHiPs."
208
00:06:50,422 --> 00:06:52,422
Oh, my God, Katie! You're pregnant!
209
00:06:52,457 --> 00:06:54,174
Oh! No.
210
00:06:54,259 --> 00:06:55,375
[Chuckles] I'm not really...
211
00:06:55,460 --> 00:06:57,093
I mean, I thought you might be,
212
00:06:57,128 --> 00:06:58,628
but I didn't want to say anything.
213
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,430
Oh, really? Well,
just so you know, Sage...
214
00:07:00,465 --> 00:07:03,216
You can't be working in the nurse's
office when you're pregnant.
215
00:07:03,301 --> 00:07:06,269
That's basically as dangerous
as vaccinating your children.
216
00:07:07,022 --> 00:07:09,772
I'll just mark your
volunteer hours as "complete."
217
00:07:11,359 --> 00:07:14,394
Me and my unborn child...
218
00:07:14,479 --> 00:07:15,695
thank you.
219
00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:19,856
220
00:07:21,422 --> 00:07:23,258
Why are you still wearing
that ridiculous thing?
221
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:25,786
Sage let me out of my volunteer hours,
222
00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,504
an old lady let me cut in line
at Trader Joe's.
223
00:07:27,589 --> 00:07:30,440
and no one complained
when I took double samples.
224
00:07:30,526 --> 00:07:33,076
Being fake pregnant is the best!
225
00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:34,933
Wait... you got out
of your volunteer hours
226
00:07:35,011 --> 00:07:36,797
- because Sage thinks you're pregnant?
- Amazing, right?
227
00:07:36,849 --> 00:07:37,964
Because, really,
228
00:07:38,017 --> 00:07:40,227
these volunteer hours
are a war on women.
229
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:41,702
There seem to be a lot of wars on women
230
00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:43,170
when you don't want to do something.
231
00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:45,088
All I have to do
is ride out this pregnancy
232
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,556
till the end of the school year,
233
00:07:46,642 --> 00:07:47,991
and then people will forget
all about it.
234
00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:49,443
Forget all about your missing baby?
235
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,277
Yeah.
236
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,229
You are out of your mind.
237
00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,681
Don't worry. I'm gonna do the
"I Love Lucy" cheese-baby trick.
238
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:56,450
I'm not familiar with that,
but it doesn't s...
239
00:07:56,535 --> 00:07:58,752
Lucy carried a fake baby made of cheese
240
00:07:58,837 --> 00:08:00,036
to get a seat on an airplane,
241
00:08:00,089 --> 00:08:01,888
but then ate the whole
cheese baby on the flight.
242
00:08:01,974 --> 00:08:03,140
When the woman asked,
"Where's the baby?"
243
00:08:03,225 --> 00:08:04,191
she was like, "What baby?"
244
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,659
I'll just do that.
245
00:08:05,744 --> 00:08:07,210
Wouldn't it make more sense
for you to say
246
00:08:07,246 --> 00:08:08,462
you're a surrogate or something?
247
00:08:08,547 --> 00:08:09,980
Katie. No. Katie...
248
00:08:10,015 --> 00:08:12,065
Surrogate! That's perfect.
249
00:08:12,151 --> 00:08:13,600
Love being married to a genius.
250
00:08:13,685 --> 00:08:14,868
Now, can you go get the kids?
251
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:18,121
I can't because sometimes,
Sage volunteers at pickup,
252
00:08:18,173 --> 00:08:20,474
and I'm dying to take this thing off.
253
00:08:20,559 --> 00:08:21,825
I can't. I'm working on my book.
254
00:08:22,945 --> 00:08:24,578
Okay. Fine.
255
00:08:25,781 --> 00:08:28,348
You say you want another kid,
but here you are,
256
00:08:28,434 --> 00:08:30,967
sending your wife out on errands,
257
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:32,486
eight months pretend pregnant.
258
00:08:33,622 --> 00:08:36,556
259
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,616
Mom, we've got to move.
I can't be late for ballet.
260
00:08:46,702 --> 00:08:47,834
Today is our dress rehearsal.
261
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,219
I need to work on my grand jet?s!
262
00:08:49,304 --> 00:08:51,404
Bring it down, "Black Swan."
I'll get you there.
263
00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:53,323
Why can't you be nice,
like your big sister?
264
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,491
I am nice.
265
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:55,625
Oh, please! You think she's nice
266
00:08:55,694 --> 00:08:57,310
because she made
a fake Instagram account.
267
00:08:57,396 --> 00:08:59,062
- Shut up!
- Fake what?
268
00:08:59,148 --> 00:09:00,697
Don't listen to him, Mom.
He's just a jerk.
269
00:09:00,783 --> 00:09:01,782
I am a jerk.
270
00:09:01,867 --> 00:09:03,300
And I bask in it.
271
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:05,552
I'm keeping your phone until
there's a full investigation.
272
00:09:05,637 --> 00:09:06,736
You can't take my phone away!
273
00:09:06,772 --> 00:09:07,771
It's not the end of the world.
274
00:09:07,856 --> 00:09:09,239
Yes, it is!
275
00:09:09,274 --> 00:09:10,590
How would you feel if you were my age
276
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:12,209
and I took away your poodle skirt?
277
00:09:12,294 --> 00:09:13,844
How old do you think I am?
278
00:09:13,929 --> 00:09:15,178
[Sighs]
279
00:09:15,230 --> 00:09:16,730
Anna-Kat! Come on! We're late!
280
00:09:16,815 --> 00:09:17,948
I don't answer to you!
281
00:09:19,751 --> 00:09:20,917
What's gotten into her?
282
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:22,719
Oliver, go get Anna-Kat.
283
00:09:22,754 --> 00:09:23,970
I can't get out of the car.
284
00:09:24,056 --> 00:09:25,272
I can't risk twisting my ankle
285
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:26,740
this close to my big performance.
286
00:09:26,825 --> 00:09:27,874
Are you serious?
287
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
Fine. Taylor, go get your sister.
288
00:09:29,995 --> 00:09:32,012
Oh, I would, Mom, but I might get lost,
289
00:09:32,097 --> 00:09:33,597
and I don't have a phone
to call for help.
290
00:09:33,682 --> 00:09:35,065
15 is such a bad age.
291
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:36,750
Back in the day,
we would've married you off
292
00:09:36,835 --> 00:09:38,251
and gotten a couple of goats
in the bargain.
293
00:09:38,337 --> 00:09:41,137
294
00:09:41,473 --> 00:09:43,223
[Grunting]
295
00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:48,044
What is going on with you, angel?
296
00:09:48,096 --> 00:09:49,479
I'm not an angel!
297
00:09:49,515 --> 00:09:51,815
I don't have time for this.
Anna-Kat, get in the car.
298
00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:53,016
Right now.
299
00:09:55,087 --> 00:09:56,786
Katie?!
300
00:09:56,839 --> 00:09:58,471
You're pregnant?
301
00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:00,390
Uhhh...
302
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,474
looks like it.
303
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:02,692
Tara: Well, it must be a girl,
304
00:10:02,778 --> 00:10:05,161
'cause you're carrying it
all over your body.
305
00:10:05,247 --> 00:10:06,680
[Chuckling] A baby?!
306
00:10:06,765 --> 00:10:07,964
Why didn't you tell us?
307
00:10:08,016 --> 00:10:10,066
Well, because...
308
00:10:10,102 --> 00:10:12,869
I wanted to keep it a secret
from everyone.
309
00:10:12,955 --> 00:10:14,804
[Whispering] Since I'm a surrogate.
310
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,089
You're a surrogate?!
311
00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:17,474
[Normal voice] Yes, I am.
312
00:10:17,526 --> 00:10:19,993
For a very brave woman
who lost her ovaries...
313
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,077
in the war.
314
00:10:21,129 --> 00:10:22,412
It was like "Pow!"
315
00:10:22,464 --> 00:10:25,048
And I didn't want to brag
or let anyone know
316
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,350
how good a person I really am.
317
00:10:27,402 --> 00:10:28,318
[Sighing] Oh.
318
00:10:28,353 --> 00:10:30,403
I am so happy for you!
319
00:10:30,489 --> 00:10:31,338
[Chuckles]
320
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:33,673
Oh, and that brave soldier.
321
00:10:33,742 --> 00:10:35,475
[Voice breaking] I think I'm gonna cry!
322
00:10:35,561 --> 00:10:36,977
[Laughing] Ohh!
323
00:10:37,062 --> 00:10:39,946
I actually feel a little bad
about tricking Suzanne.
324
00:10:40,032 --> 00:10:42,799
I don't know how, but she's grown on me.
325
00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:44,801
But it's balanced out
by the enjoyment I get
326
00:10:44,836 --> 00:10:47,270
from making Tara Summers think
I'm a good person.
327
00:10:47,306 --> 00:10:48,555
Ha ha!
328
00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:53,877
329
00:10:56,915 --> 00:10:58,048
[Grunting]
330
00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:03,286
[Sighs]
331
00:11:03,322 --> 00:11:04,621
Stupid thing!
332
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,289
- [Gasps]
- Doesn't fit!
333
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:10,894
334
00:11:16,702 --> 00:11:18,251
Katie: This is her real account, Greg.
335
00:11:18,337 --> 00:11:19,803
She has a fake one for us
336
00:11:19,838 --> 00:11:21,221
and a real one for who knows who.
337
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,772
Where did she even get those shirts?
338
00:11:22,858 --> 00:11:24,324
We never bought her
anything that skimpy.
339
00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:26,359
She used scissors to cut
the perfectly nice shirts
340
00:11:26,445 --> 00:11:28,461
that we got her from Old Navy.
341
00:11:28,547 --> 00:11:30,080
Isn't that Anna-Kat's shirt?
342
00:11:30,132 --> 00:11:31,298
Oh, she's dead.
343
00:11:31,383 --> 00:11:34,935
Hey, little troublemaker!
Come in here right now!
344
00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:36,486
Don't do that thing
where you're too nice.
345
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:38,371
I won't. Watch.
346
00:11:38,457 --> 00:11:41,174
We are so disappointed in you.
You lied to us.
347
00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,125
- See?
- Mm-hmm.
348
00:11:42,194 --> 00:11:43,343
I never lied.
349
00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:45,195
I just didn't tell you
about the other account.
350
00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:46,329
And it's not a big deal.
351
00:11:46,365 --> 00:11:47,864
All the other kids at school do it.
352
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,499
I just wanted a little privacy.
353
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,685
Privacy?! You have 900 followers!
354
00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:52,936
Only 900?!
355
00:11:52,971 --> 00:11:54,170
I'm already being unfollowed!
356
00:11:54,239 --> 00:11:55,605
Okay, we're gonna go to your room,
357
00:11:55,657 --> 00:11:56,940
and we're gonna throw away anything
358
00:11:57,025 --> 00:11:58,742
that an Amish teen
would not be allowed to wear.
359
00:11:58,794 --> 00:12:00,243
- To church.
- Come on!
360
00:12:00,295 --> 00:12:01,578
Go on, now.
361
00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:05,148
Anna-Kat, what are you doing?
362
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:06,282
Drawing on the wall.
363
00:12:07,703 --> 00:12:09,119
That won't come out.
364
00:12:09,171 --> 00:12:11,421
I know. It's Sharpie.
365
00:12:11,473 --> 00:12:13,006
I guess I'm not your favorite anymore.
366
00:12:13,091 --> 00:12:14,474
I'm not saying that,
367
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:17,477
but I don't want you to do
anything like that ever again.
368
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:18,445
Ever!
369
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,549
Told ya... still her favorite.
370
00:12:24,136 --> 00:12:26,569
Don't be mad at me
because you're not cute anymore.
371
00:12:26,605 --> 00:12:28,571
372
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,175
She what?
373
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,377
Suzanne is insisting
on throwing you a baby shower.
374
00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:36,846
Did you tell her
that was totally unnecessary?
375
00:12:36,932 --> 00:12:38,898
Mm-hmm. She wouldn't take "No"
for an answer.
376
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:39,866
[Groans]
377
00:12:39,951 --> 00:12:42,185
Snack's ready!
378
00:12:42,254 --> 00:12:44,704
Hey, why didn't you guys
plan a shower for me?
379
00:12:44,790 --> 00:12:46,389
- You're not pregnant!
- Because it's a fake baby!
380
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,309
Are you two here to tell her she's crazy
381
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:50,427
for this fake-baby stuff?
382
00:12:50,512 --> 00:12:51,695
It's not crazy.
383
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,063
You kids look at the small picture.
384
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,198
Us adults look at the big picture.
385
00:12:55,283 --> 00:12:58,334
And the big picture is
you faking being pregnant
386
00:12:58,370 --> 00:12:59,969
to get out of volunteer hours?
387
00:13:00,005 --> 00:13:01,671
I'm the adult, you're the child.
388
00:13:01,757 --> 00:13:04,057
You don't get to judge
my questionable judgment.
389
00:13:04,142 --> 00:13:05,392
Now, eat your sandwiches.
390
00:13:05,477 --> 00:13:07,694
I'm on a hunger strike
until I get my phone back.
391
00:13:07,779 --> 00:13:10,363
What is this...
peanut butter and jelly?!
392
00:13:10,449 --> 00:13:11,831
It's going straight to my hips.
393
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,750
Do you want me to end up at Cornell?
394
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,168
Is that what you want?
395
00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:17,187
- Ow!
- Now go to your room!
396
00:13:17,222 --> 00:13:19,222
- [Scoffs] You're not my mother...
- Ow!
397
00:13:19,307 --> 00:13:20,473
All right. I'm going.
398
00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:21,658
You bet you're going.
399
00:13:21,693 --> 00:13:23,610
She should not be around children.
400
00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:26,046
I pinch with these two fingers.
Leaves no marks.
401
00:13:26,131 --> 00:13:29,049
Your kids are either going to be
C.E.O.s or serial killers.
402
00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:31,051
I am willing to take that gamble.
403
00:13:31,136 --> 00:13:32,302
[Chuckles]
404
00:13:32,387 --> 00:13:33,603
405
00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:36,106
[Classical music plays]
406
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,373
Angela: Ooh! Unh-unh!
407
00:13:37,409 --> 00:13:39,325
Real pregnant women
only drink in private, Katie.
408
00:13:39,411 --> 00:13:41,044
[Whispering]
This is the best thing ever.
409
00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:43,797
They're throwing a shower
for a hunk of memory foam.
410
00:13:43,882 --> 00:13:46,883
Katie, I have to say...
411
00:13:46,935 --> 00:13:48,301
I have a whole new respect for you.
412
00:13:48,386 --> 00:13:49,219
Go on.
413
00:13:49,304 --> 00:13:51,104
What you're doing is so selfless.
414
00:13:51,189 --> 00:13:52,522
It's a side of you that,
415
00:13:52,574 --> 00:13:54,441
to be honest, I didn't think existed.
416
00:13:54,526 --> 00:13:57,026
Well, that's what you get
for judging people.
417
00:13:57,079 --> 00:13:59,546
Me... I don't judge.
418
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:02,916
I love with an open and honest heart.
419
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:04,084
Oh.
420
00:14:04,169 --> 00:14:05,852
Just felt a kick. [Chuckles]
421
00:14:05,937 --> 00:14:07,303
[Both gasp]
422
00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:08,638
May I touch your belly?
423
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,473
- [Slap] Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
424
00:14:10,525 --> 00:14:13,276
It's just that I'm a surrogate
and it's not my baby.
425
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,945
I would let you,
but legally, I'm not allowed.
426
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,814
You remember
the famous Supreme Court case
427
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,365
Dinty vs. Moore?
428
00:14:19,451 --> 00:14:22,235
- Oh, yes, I read about that.
- Mm-hmm.
429
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,572
Katie, I'm so happy
to be doing this for you.
430
00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:28,374
I felt like when we first met,
it took us a while to click,
431
00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:30,376
but now we're clicking!
432
00:14:30,462 --> 00:14:32,545
Actually, Suzanne,
I feel the exact same way.
433
00:14:32,631 --> 00:14:34,714
Thank you so much for this party
434
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,383
and for letting me bring
little Anna-Kat.
435
00:14:37,469 --> 00:14:38,835
Oh, of course.
436
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,804
- She is such a cutie.
- [Chuckles]
437
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,505
She is, isn't she?
438
00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:43,556
She's my...
439
00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:45,925
Stop it! I am not your favorite!
440
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:48,094
And this isn't a baby!
441
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,229
[All gasp]
442
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,402
[Chuckles nervously] Well...
443
00:14:56,488 --> 00:14:58,104
I guess I'm just gonna...
444
00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,190
445
00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:06,457
Uh... yeah.
446
00:15:06,879 --> 00:15:10,356
You see, this is... really funny.
447
00:15:10,458 --> 00:15:12,575
I don't see anything remotely funny
448
00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:13,943
about pretending to be pregnant.
449
00:15:14,028 --> 00:15:15,111
Of course you wouldn't, Tara.
450
00:15:15,196 --> 00:15:17,584
I mean, everyone with a sense of humor
would see that this is funny.
451
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,998
- Right?
- [Chuckles weakly]
452
00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,967
Katie, why would you do
something like this?
453
00:15:21,052 --> 00:15:23,185
I didn't do it to hurt anybody.
454
00:15:23,271 --> 00:15:26,072
I just did it to get out of
mandatory volunteer hours.
455
00:15:26,124 --> 00:15:28,591
We all hate volunteering.
456
00:15:29,978 --> 00:15:30,960
I don't.
457
00:15:31,029 --> 00:15:32,645
Well, Sage, you're an unusual woman.
458
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:34,030
Seriously, Katie.
459
00:15:34,115 --> 00:15:36,165
You didn't have to let me
throw you a baby shower.
460
00:15:36,251 --> 00:15:38,167
Yeah, but when do we all have
the chance to get together?
461
00:15:38,253 --> 00:15:39,885
When we volunteer at school.
462
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:41,220
Right.
463
00:15:41,272 --> 00:15:42,521
I think it's best if you go.
464
00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:43,823
Suzanne!
465
00:15:47,595 --> 00:15:49,011
Okay.
466
00:15:49,097 --> 00:15:50,296
I understand.
467
00:15:51,849 --> 00:15:54,100
Angela and Doris, see if you can
bring the presents to the car.
468
00:15:54,152 --> 00:15:55,735
469
00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:57,653
Why did you do that, Anna-Kat?
470
00:15:57,739 --> 00:15:59,221
I was finally making some progress
471
00:15:59,307 --> 00:16:01,507
with the ladies in this town,
and now I'm back to square one.
472
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:03,309
I don't want
to be your favorite anymore.
473
00:16:03,361 --> 00:16:04,944
What? Why not?
474
00:16:04,996 --> 00:16:08,047
'Cause it makes Taylor and Oliver mad,
and then they're not nice to me.
475
00:16:08,127 --> 00:16:09,460
So I did things to make you upset,
476
00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:11,095
and nothing worked.
477
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,981
So I lifted your shirt, hoping
you wouldn't like me anymore.
478
00:16:15,244 --> 00:16:18,178
Sweetpea... I will always like you.
479
00:16:18,264 --> 00:16:20,180
I will always love you.
480
00:16:20,266 --> 00:16:22,199
But if I put you in a bad spot
481
00:16:22,234 --> 00:16:24,401
with your brother and sister...
482
00:16:24,453 --> 00:16:26,236
I'm sorry.
483
00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,671
And I won't do it anymore.
484
00:16:28,841 --> 00:16:30,057
You promise?
485
00:16:30,142 --> 00:16:31,642
I promise.
486
00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:33,644
No more favorites in this family.
487
00:16:33,729 --> 00:16:35,412
I'm treating you all equally.
488
00:16:35,448 --> 00:16:36,480
Thanks, Mama!
489
00:16:36,549 --> 00:16:37,798
Of course!
490
00:16:37,883 --> 00:16:39,917
Anything for my fav...
491
00:16:40,002 --> 00:16:41,101
Anything for you.
492
00:16:42,271 --> 00:16:43,353
[Giggles]
493
00:16:43,405 --> 00:16:46,790
494
00:16:46,826 --> 00:16:49,009
[Scoffs] Mom! I need my phone back!
495
00:16:49,094 --> 00:16:50,294
No!
496
00:16:50,346 --> 00:16:51,762
Where are my tights?
I can't find my tights!
497
00:16:51,814 --> 00:16:53,564
- They're in the bathroom.
- I just looked in there!
498
00:16:53,616 --> 00:16:54,698
They're on the shower rod.
499
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:56,700
Mom, if I don't continue
my Snapchat streaks,
500
00:16:56,735 --> 00:16:58,702
I'm no different than the girl
with the striped tube socks
501
00:16:58,754 --> 00:17:00,003
who reads books at lunch!
502
00:17:00,089 --> 00:17:02,356
- Do you want that for a daughter?!
- Is she available?!
503
00:17:02,441 --> 00:17:03,857
[Shrieks] You're so unfair!
504
00:17:03,943 --> 00:17:06,493
I'd try to help you, but I'm not
her favorite anymore.
505
00:17:06,579 --> 00:17:08,629
Shut up, or I will lock you
in the basement.
506
00:17:08,714 --> 00:17:10,681
- Not the basement!
- Taylor, don't say that!
507
00:17:10,716 --> 00:17:11,765
You know she's afraid of the basement!
508
00:17:11,851 --> 00:17:13,150
Duh! That's why I'm saying it!
509
00:17:13,185 --> 00:17:15,486
How many times do I need
to tell you... don't "Duh" me!
510
00:17:15,521 --> 00:17:16,737
- Talk to your children!
- About what?
511
00:17:16,822 --> 00:17:18,322
Do I have to figure out
everything around here?!
512
00:17:18,407 --> 00:17:19,706
- I don't know what's happening!
- [Sighs]
513
00:17:19,792 --> 00:17:21,208
My tights are damp! My tights are damp!
514
00:17:21,293 --> 00:17:23,093
Just put them on wet. They'll be
dry by the time we get there.
515
00:17:23,179 --> 00:17:24,978
- You don't know that!
- I know everything!
516
00:17:25,064 --> 00:17:27,064
Now, everybody! Get in the car!
517
00:17:27,116 --> 00:17:29,533
518
00:17:29,618 --> 00:17:31,381
[Gasps] What's this doing here?
519
00:17:32,388 --> 00:17:33,637
I got it back from Angela,
because, you know...
520
00:17:33,672 --> 00:17:35,389
Don't say "You never know."
521
00:17:35,474 --> 00:17:38,141
I know. The kids know.
Even Mr. Horsey knows, Greg.
522
00:17:38,177 --> 00:17:40,194
How are you not smarter than Mr. Horsey?
523
00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:42,196
524
00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:49,419
[Sighs]
525
00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:53,056
Why are we even here?
526
00:17:53,108 --> 00:17:54,725
We're supporting your brother.
527
00:17:54,810 --> 00:17:55,893
I want to go home.
528
00:17:55,945 --> 00:17:57,227
We all want to go home.
529
00:17:57,313 --> 00:17:59,329
Everybody in this place
wishes they were at home.
530
00:17:59,415 --> 00:18:00,831
They're just too polite to show it.
531
00:18:00,916 --> 00:18:03,100
Maybe they just like children.
532
00:18:03,135 --> 00:18:04,968
I don't understand why you don't
even want to talk about it.
533
00:18:05,054 --> 00:18:06,720
If this last couple of days
has taught me anything,
534
00:18:06,805 --> 00:18:08,021
it's that I'm done.
535
00:18:08,107 --> 00:18:10,858
Which means... we are done.
536
00:18:12,044 --> 00:18:14,211
[Tchaikovsky's
"Waltz of the Flowers" plays]
537
00:18:37,536 --> 00:18:38,735
[Chuckles]
538
00:18:38,787 --> 00:18:40,904
What is this?
539
00:18:40,990 --> 00:18:44,207
Well, it's beginning ballet.
Who else is gonna take it?
540
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:47,177
[Music continues]
541
00:18:52,935 --> 00:18:55,102
[Laughter]
542
00:19:10,886 --> 00:19:13,503
This is the cutest thing
that I have ever seen.
543
00:19:17,643 --> 00:19:21,094
Some days, as a mom,
everything goes wrong,
544
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:23,263
and you just can't take another second.
545
00:19:23,349 --> 00:19:26,316
But all it takes is one good moment
546
00:19:26,352 --> 00:19:29,403
to erase the 10 million crappy ones.
547
00:19:29,488 --> 00:19:31,521
548
00:19:36,028 --> 00:19:37,661
Maybe.
549
00:19:37,696 --> 00:19:39,696
550
00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:47,253
- Three cameras and mark!
- Uh-huh! [Laughing]
551
00:19:48,264 --> 00:19:49,886
[Vocalizing]
552
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:51,483
And I thought of a title...
"John Stuart Mill
553
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:52,985
and the Consequences
of a Thoroughgoing"...
554
00:19:53,070 --> 00:19:53,969
Mm.
555
00:19:54,004 --> 00:19:55,270
Amazing!
556
00:19:55,306 --> 00:19:57,039
And I thought of a title...
"John Stuart Mill
557
00:19:57,074 --> 00:19:58,791
and the Consequences of a Long-Term"...
558
00:19:58,876 --> 00:20:00,175
- Okay.
- Amazing!
559
00:20:00,211 --> 00:20:01,727
[Laughing]
560
00:20:01,812 --> 00:20:03,912
Spoken like a man...
561
00:20:03,981 --> 00:20:05,881
- who came across the ocean...
- [Chuckles]
562
00:20:05,933 --> 00:20:07,182
[Laughter]
563
00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:11,510
- Help!
- Director: Cut!
564
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:15,207
565
00:20:15,292 --> 00:20:17,759
You want me to go in sooner, honey?
566
00:20:17,795 --> 00:20:18,961
We are trying
567
00:20:19,046 --> 00:20:20,762
to celebrate Valentine's Day
over here...
568
00:20:20,798 --> 00:20:22,097
I am so mean.
569
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,515
- Am I too mean?
- [Laughter]
570
00:20:23,601 --> 00:20:26,218
- Director: Still rolling.
- [Laughter]
571
00:20:26,303 --> 00:20:29,271
Greg, have you ever thought that
maybe you're just being mean?
572
00:20:29,306 --> 00:20:32,274
573
00:20:32,309 --> 00:20:33,775
I don't know how to get down. [Whimpers]
574
00:20:33,811 --> 00:20:34,860
What was he talking about?
575
00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:37,196
Why does Don think that we have... um...
576
00:20:37,281 --> 00:20:39,281
What was he talking about?
Why does Don...
577
00:20:39,316 --> 00:20:41,316
What was he talking about?
What exactly does...
578
00:20:41,368 --> 00:20:42,568
Why does... Why exactly...
579
00:20:42,653 --> 00:20:44,653
[Laughs]
580
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:49,253
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