All language subtitles for Alpha House s02e05 The Apparition.eng

[Groans]

Impressive.

Paul? What?

You're dead, man.

Oh, not so dead I don't recognize

a nice piece when I see one.

Au pair?

Housekeeper.

Oh, I always preferred au pairs myself.

They're temporary.

[Sighs] I remember, master.

You taught me well.

Unfortunately, it was an au
pair that blew up my marriage.

That's because she wasn't your au pair.

You sneaked out, creating unnecessary risk.

You still have much to learn, grasshopper.

[Chuckles]

You checked out too soon, Paul.

There was so much I wanted to ask you.

Like, were you really
doing your chief of staff?

Oh, yeah.

That's what I mean about
keeping it in-house.

You thinking of nailing Katharine?

I can't. She's a lesbian.

[Inhales deeply] That's even hotter.

And she's constantly on
my case for horn-dogging.

She thinks I'm clinically addicted.

Yeah, I used to get that. You buy it?

That you can be addicted to sex?

I don't know, man.

I do know a part of the thrill is knowing

that I'm courting
disaster... it heightens it.

On the other hand, there's
that moment after sex

when I think, "what the hell am I doing?

Am I insane?"

You know what I mean?

Paul?

[Groans]

Hi.

Hi.

Go back to sleep.

Okay.

Where are my panties?

[Upbeat music]

Honor.

Honor is the most sacred part of service.

So when one of my former soldiers,

Sergeant Mel Axelrod, saw that
Senator Biggs swift-boating ad,

he wanted to be here today.

Sergeant Axelrod.

Thanks, Colonel Grimmel.

I'm not, um,

big on talking in public, but, um,

this despicable attack on
you cannot go unanswered.

When I think of the day
when... when the Colonel

ran into that ravine

and Specialist Torres was
screaming, and the Colonel

picked him up just as
that mortar round came in,

and I saw his leg go,

but he still dragged
Torres clear and, uh...

[Labored breathing] I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck me.

- [Mumbles]
- That all of it?

No, sir, he rambled on like
that for another minute,

triggered his own PTSD,
and had to be driven home.

How much play did it get?

Well, local stations ran
the whole thing all night,

and it went viral, so
it's catching on, ma'am.

That ad has been nothing but trouble.

I still don't understand
what the watts were thinking.

That ad was wrong, Maddie,
but it wasn't crazy.

Best way to slow down your opponents

is to attack their strengths,
not their weaknesses.

You go after a muscle, not fat.

Where did you get that
little tidbit of wisdom?

Karl Rove? [Laughs]

Okay, I bumped into him
over at Fox the other day.

- [Sighs]
- Didn't cost us anything.

And that is exactly what it's worth.

You've gotta get back above the fray, G.J.

You've gotta be that
reasonable, likable guy

that Angie filmed on the beach.

And people love that speech, sir.

It got 11 million hits
and thousands of comments

from all over the country.

Really? All around the country?

Yes, ma'am.

Sea to shining sea.

Mm.

And the debate has been rescheduled

to 9:00 P.M. at KSNV.

Jillette couldn't get to Reno in time.

No doubt a conflict with
his little magic show.

Honestly, I'm supposed to
take this guy seriously?

[Laughs]

It would be a mistake not to, sir.

He may well be effective in a debate.

Well, I'm ready for whatever
he has up his sleeve!

[Laughs]

- Is there anything else, Julie?
- Uh, yes, sir.

I'd like to request some
leave after the election.

Uh, fine... I guess. How long?

Uh, two months, which
means we would need to find

an interim chief of staff.

And it cannot... I repeat,
sir... cannot be James.

Oh, well, what sort of leave, Julie?

Maternity, ma'am.

[Gasps]

[Stammering] This is stunning news, Julie.

- Um, Louise, are you...
- [Sighs]

I don't know what to say.

Uh, who's... who's the father?

I have no idea.

What I do know is he's Caucasian,

has a PhD from Harvard in microbiology,

and rode first oar on the Oxford Eights.

First oar?

Kat and I, we did consider adoption...

- [Gasps]
- But neither one of us

wanted to miss out on the
whole birthing process.

- So we went to a clinic...
- Please, no more, Julie.

- Satan is listening.
- Now, we don't know that, dear.

But th... this is a shock, Julie.

I'm sorry my happy news is so
disturbing to you, Mrs. Laffer.

Sir.

Louise, Satan?

Oh, Louis, I can hear
him laughing with delight.

I can hear him. [Breathing heavily]

Yo, James.

What's up?

Need a second bro opinion.

Nice. MILF screen savers.

No, no. These are lottery contestants.

From a "have lunch with
your senator" fund-raiser.

Trying to find him a good match.

What happened to the Polynesian lady?

It's off.

They couldn't have a
conversation that didn't end

with her in tears about global warming.

Well, her country is disappearing.

Not if you're a Republican.

It's liberal hysteria.

What about her?

Molly P. Andresun.

She's from Philly, she
works for a design firm,

gave money to the senator in 2008.

And she's obviously made
a real effort to stay hot.

I think you have a winner.

Uh, so how are things
going with you and Lola?

Great. Really great.

Aaron, do you know what soaking is?

You mean like in a tub?

[Sighs] No.

See, Mormons can't have intercourse

before they get married.

So what some couples do is

the man inserts himself into the woman

but then stays absolutely still.

Motionless.

That's soaking.

So he just...

marinates his junk...

In her lady garden, exactly.

But, if there's even the
tiniest bit of friction,

they're both damned for all eternity.

- Ouch.
- Exactly.

Anyway, Lola loves soaking.

She wants me soaking in
her every night for hours.

So you just soak your brains out?

Yeah, but the problem is I'm
in a constant state of arousal.

Not now, of course.

But most of the day.

And jacking off is a sin too?

Jacking off?

Oh, you mean self-dating?

Yeah, that's a sin too.

Any other suggestions?

Uh, no, that's all I got. Sorry.

You know Charlotte's in town, right?

- Doing her show?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm meeting all of them tomorrow.

Well, don't let her bait you.

She's on the hunt for drama.

I'll be dull as dishwater.

What's wrong, honey bear?

Feeling busted about that ad, Maddie.

Shamefully busted.

Well, you've gotta move on, darling.

What other choice do you have?

Well, believe it or not, I was
thinking about a public apology.

Wouldn't kill me.

Ever notice how often McCain apologizes?

On and on.

Never apologized for putting
Sarah Palin on the ticket.

That's too big. Who'd forgive him?

- Mm.
- Point is,

every time he screws up,

he makes it right,

which got me thinking,

if I ever want to get
back to where I need to be,

I should probably say,

you know...

I'm sorry?

Not gonna be easy.

How about inviting Obama?

I don't know. You invite him,

you have to invite all
the other heads of state.

Do we really have to do this?

Andy, we need a list.

- You have to help.
- Why?

My people are barely in the wedding.

It's a hundred of your second
cousins and their plus-ones.

It's not my fault that you
have a teeny tiny family

that never breeds.

I really gotta go.

- Bye.
- Okay.

Ciao. I love you.

Same.

- Oh, where'd you get that?
- [Giggling]

- Do you like it?
- No, it looks good on you.

Okay. [Both giggling]

- [Door closes]
- Marta!

Yes, Miss de Portago?

Can you come in here for a second?

Yes, Miss?

Marta.

Last week after the lockdown,
you went into the kitchen,

and you called Andy on his cell phone.

- I did, Miss?
- Yes, you did.

And you were on the verge of
tears, so I thought to myself,

"why would Andy's housekeeper
be so worried about him?"

Senator Guzman is important
for Florida's tomorrow.

Yes, that's what it says
on his campaign poster.

Marta, let me ask you something.

How long have you been
sleeping with my fianc�?

- Miss.
- How long?

Since Monday.

M... Monday?

I mean, November.

I get them confused.

What?

Are you... are you
seriou... are you serious?

Are you serious?

Oh, my God, you are.

Oh, my God, you are. You're s...

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God. [Shouts in Spanish]

Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill him!

I'm gonna kill him! Oh, my God.

I'm an idiot.

I'm so sorry, Miss de Portago.

I do not want to take your Andy.

I know he loves you.

He talks about wedding all the time.

He calls it big... how you say...

"cluster duck."

[Sobbing]

She won me. [Chuckles]

Things we have to do.

All right, buddy. Best to Jillian.

Thanks.

Really wish you wouldn't
fund-raise in the building, sir.

And I really wish you
wouldn't auction me off.

I mean, does our people's
history mean nothing to you?

It was a lottery, not an auction.

[Sighs] Where is she?

Conference room.

[Indistinct chatter]

Hello.

Senator, this is our
winner, Molly Andresun.

- Senator Bettencourt.
- Oh, please, Robert.

- Have a seat.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you kidding me? Pizza?

Eh, how much was the lottery ticket?

$100.

- No way.
- Mm.

And this is what we give you?

And what's this?

Oh, just getting some footage
for the campaign, Senator.

Okay, you know what, guys?

Let's let the Senator and Ms. Andresun

have their lunch in peace,

and you can come back when
they're chatting over coffee.

- Well...
- Well... [Chuckles]

A few weeks ago, I encouraged a Super PAC

to tell the truth about my
opponent, Leland Grimmel.

They didn't.

They told lies about his war record.

What's worse,

I stood by while his good name was smeared.

I was wrong.

I fricked up.

Truly.

In my 12 years here,

it's the most shameful thing I've ev...

uh, except for voting
against the Disabled Act

while Bob dole sat there in his wheelchair.

That was a low point.

And getting Congress involved
as to whether to pull the plug

on that brain-dead girl in Florida,

I should have stayed away from that one.

Oh, and...

heck, I'd be here all day.

The point is, I am one
sorry son of a bitch.

I mean gun.

Sorry about that too.

Thank you.

And you've got a cubicle
booked at the RNC for two hours

of fund-raising starting at 2:30.

I'll be there.

No, seriously, you gotta be there.

People need to get paid out in Iowa.

- I'll be there.
- No, really, I mean it.

I emailed you your call sheet.

- I'm on it.
- Seriously, Andy.

[Speed-dialing]

[Phone rings]

- Townsend events.
- Hey.

It's me. I've got an hour.

Are you free for... let's call it lunch?

- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.

Can't get you out of my mind,

your pearls bouncing on my face.

A memory I'll treasure too,
but you really do need help.

[Laughs] What do you mean?

Your wedding gets called off,

and your first thought is to
go boink the wedding planner?

Called off? What are you talking about?

Your fianc�e called.

She fired me in English, then
cursed you out in Spanish.

I think. I'm a little rusty.

Jesus. How'd she find out?

About us? She didn't, as far as I know.

Must have been some other
vendor on your route.

- [Phone rings]
- Just retrace your steps, Andy.

You'll figure it out.

Okay, gotta go. It's been swell.

[Speed-dialing]

Hello, this is me, Marta in America.

Please leave message. [Beep]

Okay, so mama bear's in town.

She always comes to town
when Gil John's stepped in it.

So she'll be in fine form, no doubt.

And you can be sure
she'll be on my case too,

so stand by for some bonus drama.

Charlotte. [Gasps]

- How are you, darling girl?
- Hi, mom.

I'm fine, except I'm not
Charlotte, I'm Cee Biggs,

and I'm doing cutaways right now.

Oh, darling. I missed you so much.

Okay, give me a break. Right?

Look at you, professionally made up.

You look like a movie star.

Okay, usually she's all
over me about my appearance.

Look at that. Isn't that pretty?

Not to camera. Just try to keep it real.

Hi, everybody. There's so many of you.

I'm Maddie Biggs.

Hi, Mrs. Biggs, I'm
Connie Wyman, the producer.

Ah.

We are really looking forward
to getting to know you.

Me?

Oh, no, not me. You want
me to be on the show?

- Mom.
- Exciting.

- Why are you being like this?
- When do we start?

- I don't even recognize you.
- What?

I just did my hair a little different.

- [Groans]
- [Giggles]

So, again, I'm sorry, Molly.

Oh, really, the pizza's
not that bad, Robert.

It's not exactly Beddia's,
but it's not that bad.

Beddia? In Fishtown?

You go there?

I suppose you prefer Tacconelli's.

Yes, ma'am, I do prefer

the best pizzeria in Philadelphia.

Where you have to order
ahead to reserve the dough?

Well, it's better than
standing in line all day

for a limp scallion pizza.

Limp?

Are you looking for a beatdown, mister?

You would punch out a United
States senator over Joe's pie?

Wait a second, you know Joe?

Since he was a kid.

I was messing with you.

A test.

You know, I gotta... I gotta do a thing

- with the Phillies tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you want to maybe go,
um, meet up at Beddia?

Wait, you...

you're already thinking
about our next lunch.

Weren't you?

Senator Guzman?

Sorry, key wouldn't work.

Is Adriana here? She's
not answering her phone.

Miss de Portago is indisposed, Senator.

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, Andy.

I didn't mean to cause you such trouble.

Benny, what's going on?

I'm leaving the city.

I won't be problem anymore.

Ms. Stjepanovic-Majdandzic

has taken a new position, Senator,

as an au pair in Maui.

What?

Her new employers have
agreed to sponsor her

and assist her with that
green card that has proved

so challenging for you to arrange.

I don't understand.

Why would Adriana do this for Marta?

So that when Miss de
Portago announces the end

of her engagement, the media
will not see the third party

entering your residence.

Both ladies would prefer

to be spared the additional
emotional distress.

- Marta.
- I'm sorry, sir.

I will miss you so far
away in beachfront home.

Adriana.

Adriana.

[Knocking on door] Adriana.

[Line ringing]

Security, please.

Adios.

And in comes Cee.

'Sup, mom?

Hey, Cee Biggs. [Chuckles]

So where do the D.C. daughters stay?

Is there kind of a clubhouse or...

Okay, cut. Cut.

Mom, don't improvise questions.

- Sorry.
- No, it's fine.

Mrs. Biggs, you know,
scenic hasn't finished work

on the house, so we're
just trying not to call

attention to the fact that
we're staying in hotels.

Oh, okay, I get that. I've been there.

Do you know the renovation on
our house is eight months over?

- Eight months.
- What's up with that, mom?

You were too poor to help
with my Internet start-up

but have plenty of
money to build a solarium

and a pool house and
put on a new roof, huh?

No, it's not that we were too poor.

It's just, we didn't think that

social networking for dogs...

dog owners, but let's not
talk about my concept, mom.

You totally said, and I quote,

"we can't afford it."

But you could afford marble floors, right?

Well, we don't have to pay
for that ourselves, darling.

- Oh, then who did pay for it?
- Um...

Do we have some relative
in the construction business

I don't know about?

- [Scoffs] No.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't think so.

How you feeling, Senator?

- Ready to go?
- How am I feeling?

I think the question is, how's
the little mother feeling?

No, sir, that is not the question.

What? Is someone pregnant?

No.

- Uh, well, yes.
- Congratulations.

I'm not ready for everyone to know yet.

My lips are sealed.

So that means you'll be
going on leave, right?

That sure would leave a
staff power vacuum, sir.

Want me to step in?

Well, we'll cross that bridge

when we're forced to.

In the meantime, let's just ask God

to keep Julie's precious
cargo out of the hands

of a certain fallen angel.

- Have you been hydrating?
- Well...

- Who's the daddy?
- Nobody.

An anonymous donor.

But very educated and
accomplished... this much we know.

Mm.

Wouldn't be so sure. [Chuckles]

- Two minutes, Senator.
- Roger that.

What do you mean, James?

I'm a donor, and I can tell you,

they don't really do background checks.

I told my bank that I rowed for
Oxford and had a Harvard PhD.

[Laughs]

It's showtime, El Capitan.

Mount up!

Both: Hooah! Hooah!

[Hyperventilating]

So, yes, I do support the
yucca mountain repository

and the high-paying jobs
it will bring to our state.

Handled properly, we have nothing to fear

from nuclear waste but fear itself.

Thank you, Senator Laffer. Mr. Jillette.

Thank you, John.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a section

of an ordinary nuclear fuel rod cluster.

Oh, don't worry, it's completely safe.

It's a scale model from any hobby store.

Now, what would I do to dispose

of a spent fuel assembly like this?

Would I bury it in one of our
beautiful Nevada mountains?

No! I would not.

I would turn it

into one of these babies

and use the proceeds
to rebuild our schools.

That's what I would do.

Wow.

Senator Laffer, you have
30 seconds to respond.

[Stammering]

Are you kidding me?

Okay, our next question
comes from Shelby Mellman

of KPVK, Reno News Live.

Senator Laffer, you have said

that as a rich, successful entertainer,

that Mr. Jillette would be out of touch

with the concerns of everyday Americans.

Do you think that's fair?

Fair?

Well, Shelby,

let's put it to the test, shall we?

I would ask my opponent

if he knows how much this
half-gallon of milk costs.

Have any idea, Jillette?

Because I do.

Well, Senator Laffer,

I don't know the price of the contents

of this carton.

But I'd still take her home with me.

- [All laughing]
- Aww.

[Applause]

Just gotta do a quick pop,
and then we're out of here.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

Totally love this show.

Well, he is their money
guy in the late innings.

Well, that's true, but
two runs down, you think?

Okay, so here's the current
lineup with thumbnail profiles.

- Utley's out this week.
- Oh, great.

"Ootley" is the only guy
I know anything about.

- It's Utley.
- [Sighs]

Jonathan Papelbon is a great
signing by the Phillies.

They really needed a terrific closer.

What's the point in paying a
guy 15 million to close games

when you never have a ninth-inning lead?

What do you think the problem is?

Well, I'll tell you what the problem is.

We need to score, and to do
that, we need a clutch performer

who can drive in RBis the
way Ryan Howard used to do.

- Yeah...
- Give me a break.

Howard drove in 140 runs per season

because he had great
players like Jayson Werth

getting on base ahead
of him 40% of the time.

It's 2014, and the Phillies are
building a team like it's 1994,

still paying for RBIs and saves
instead of on-base percentage.

- We'll be right back.
- What are you doing?

I am taking down everything you say,

and you, young lady, are saving my ass.

Hmm.

- Maddie.
- Yes, darling.

During the daughters taping yesterday,

you mentioned that we weren't paying

for all our renovations.

What did you mean by that?

Oh, you know, Billy's a fan,

so he's giving us a friend's rate.

Just how friendly is that friend's rate?

Well, certainly nothing
more than we deserve.

Billy has built half the
V.A. clinics in the state

- all because of you.
- How much, Maddie?

I don't know.

He said he might take off a zero.

Take off a zero? Oh, Christ.

You know what that is?
That's called a kickback.

You don't get a friend's rate
from a federal contractor.

Well, you should.

Besides, who's gonna know, Gil John?

Who?

How about the whole goddamn country?

You looked like a frozen deer.

You don't think that's
gonna set off alarms?

I got trouble enough
without my wife setting me up

for criminal prosecution!

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Calm down.

- We'll figure something out...
- God damn it!

Oh, my God, it's just a reality show, Gil.

Nobody's gonna notice or even care.

Which reality show is that, ma'am?

God damn it!

I mean, Papelbon's a great closer,

but he's being paid 15
million to protect leads

the Phillies never have.

Bad investment.

But it wasn't just defense.

The Phillies just couldn't buy a run.

Right, that's why the so-called
clutch hitter's not the answer.

When Ryan Howard was having
those monster seasons,

it was 'cause Jayson
Werth and the other guys

were getting on base ahead of him.

I'm afraid my old friend Ed
Rendell is living in the '90s

where teams pay big bucks for shiny RBls

instead of on-base percentage.

Basic sabermetrics.

Sabermetrics?

I thought Robert knew shit about baseball.

Senator, you make an excellent point.

We're gonna take a break.
We'll be right back.

Hey.

Hmm.

Okay, I smell despair.

What's going on?

The goddamn reality
shows are ruining my life.

And I screwed the pooch.

I wish you'd screwed the pooch.

Buster wouldn't have liked it,

but I'd still have a housekeeper.

What? Marta's gone? Why?

Adriana found out.

Which is crazy. I was careful.

No, you weren't, Andy.

Not if you really think about it.

Well, that's... that's a tough break, man.

Sorry.

Well, how'd the debate go?

Total nightmare, thank you.

For his finale, Jillette
pulled a pigeon out of my pants.

Not for real, obviously.

But it played like it. Guy's good.

Whoa, hard to prep for something like that.

You know what the sad thing is?

We spend 90% of our
lives ducking shitstorms,

begging for money, and whoring for votes.

And why do we put
ourselves through all that?

In order to hold on to jobs
that are 90% ducking shitstorms,

begging for money, and whoring for votes.

What's wrong with this picture?

So what's the answer?

Resigning to spend more
time with our families?

Does sound tempting.

[Laughs hysterically]

[All laughing]

What?

[Laughter continues]

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