All language subtitles for Alpha House s01e11 In the Saddle.eng

Constance, got a minute?

Uh, we need to go over
this, uh, document.

Of course, Senator.

Clear the way, please!

Make room!

l got to tell you, Crystal,
l think people will be talking

about Laffer's epic comeback
for a long time.

So, Shelby Mellman, you
describe his comeback as epic?

Yes, l just did. Yes.

Well, it doesn't look like

his supporters tonight
would disagree.

No,
my reporting indicates,

they are pretty happy.

- James?
- Uh... Sir?

You Tweeting all this?

l will be, sir.
Uh, on it.

No distracting him, Lola.
He's on duty.

Oh, Daddy, honestly,
it's a celebration.

Can't he have
the night off?

lt's his victory too.

Oh, all right,
sweetheart.

As you were, James.

Remember, Crystal,
this is only a primary.

So Laffer's return
to Washington is

by no means assured.

''By no means assured''?
This is a red state.

Shelby, Shelby, Shelby...
he doesn't know his colors.

Shelby, why don't we put
our analysis on hold

and just let this crazy scene
behind us speak for itself.

Great idea.

Holy cow, look.
Paul died.

Oh, that's awful.
l wonder how?

Could've been
a lot of things.

He didn't take very good care
of himself.

Never saw him in the gym
or the shower.

Well, better hop down
to the ballroom

and thank the team.

They'll be wanting to paint
the town.

Thank you. Friends, this has
been an incredible night

- for me and my family.
- Yeah!

For sheer
competitive suspense,

well, you'd have to go all
the way back to our college days

when Louise and l made
the semi-finals

in the synchronized swim
mixed pairs.

Almost made the finals,

if someone hadn't forgotten
his technical routine.

Or if someone hadn't messed up

her Aqua Bob
and Side Fishtail.

Water under the dam!

Water under the dam!

l married him anyway!

Anyways, a big night
for us and, uh,

and for Nevada.

You know, Al Hickok put...

Now, now...

Al put up a good fight,

literally opening fire.

But, seriously...

My hat's off to Al for...

Oh, jeez...
Thought l put that on vibrate.

Oh, for goodness sake.
Speak of the devil.

Hey, Al. We were
just talking about you.

You're calling to concede?

That... That's
very gracious of you, Al.

Well, you did it, buddy.

l mean, l just have
to hand it to you,

you headed off that strike,

- you kept the Strip open.
- Sure did!

l don't know how many
cocks you had to suck to do it,

- but it sure worked.
- Obscene...

Kudos, Louis.
Enjoy your win.

Nevada!

Yeah! Nevada!

This man dines
in the White House.

This man believes
that we should shorten

or eliminate waiting periods

for over-educated immigrants
who want your job.

This man showed his true colors

during a pro-illegal
immigrant speech

on the floor of Congress.

This man is not
who you think he is.

He is Senator
Robert Bettencourt.

Robert Bettencourt:

wrong for Pennsylvania,

wrong for America.

l'm Clemont Castles,
father and CEO

of immigrant-free
Cappy's Clam Shacks,

and l approve this message.

So l'm Obama now.

lt's uncanny.
l never noticed it before.

And this stuff works?

lt's doing well
in the free media.

They love Cappy.
They think he's a hoot.

And l got to debate this clown?

Uh, yes. But he'll be
surrounded by fellow clowns.

They'll distract him.
All you have to do is occasionally duck.

Why do elections
have to be so demeaning?

l don't know, but
pretend they're not.

lf people see
condescension,

you'll get killed
the way Gore did.

Oh, God forbid l should win
the popular vote.

Are we walking
and talking?

We are not.
l will see you in Philly.

Bye, Senator.

Senator, Betty Mower
here to see you.

Oh, Betty. Uh, have her come in.

Mrs. Mower.

- Mm...
- Oh, Gil John...

He was too young,
much too young.

l know, Betty,

that was
my first reaction.

At least he died in
the saddle, hard at work.

Yes. Yes, he did.

And doing what
he loved best.

Oh...
Oh, John, are you crying?

You dear man.

You and Paul were so close,
weren't you?

That's why l've come
to see you, John.

Would it be a terrible
imposition

to ask you
to organize the service?

Oh, Betty.
Oh, no, no...

Now, l know
what you're thinking.

Why you? Why not Grover
or Carl or some other big shot?

But it was you
he talked about the most.

lt was always,
"Gil John ate this,"

or "Gil John drank that."

Well, we did share
the same dining room.

Then you'll do it?

l'll be forever grateful.

And l don't think it
would be too much trouble.

l'm sure that fabulous
Tammy of yours

can pull together a list
in the blink of an eye.

Thank you very much.

Gil John,
you're the best.

Dear, dear...

Put the fabulous Tammy on.

- Marta?
- Yes, sir.

Am l in trouble?

Quite the opposite,
young lady.

l am astonished by
what you've accomplished here.

You have squared off
against squalor

and driven it
from my house.

Thank you.

It is amazing.

You should get
a battlefield promotion.

What is that, sir?
ls it like a raise?

No, no. No change in pay.
A change in rank.

To show our growing respect.

Hereafter, you will be addressed
as Miss, uh...

- What's your last name again?
- Stjepanovi-Majdandzic.

So, Miss... Marta.

We will address you
as Miss Marta.

Marta, for short.

Well, back to work, Marta.

Yes, sir.

So, Gil John, listen to me.

This is a big deal.
Are you listening to me?

Tammy, is he listening to me?

More or less, ma'am.

Even though l can't imagine

why his window turned to you.

You barely knew Paul, right?

Nobody knew him,
Maddie.

He was a very unpleasant
human being.

Mean-spirited,
self-righteous and ignorant.

And he had a horrible reputation
among Capitol Hill women, ma'am.

He...
He was a...

- ...a groper.
- Eww!

l couldn't be prouder to be
organizing that funeral.

Well, it's
a great opportunity, GJ.

lt'll make national news,

and you'll be front and center
of a big tribute

- to a darling of the Tea Party.
- Don't worry, Maddie.

The fabulous Tammy's
all over it.

l want you to be
all over it, Gil John.

Everyone's gonna want to come.
Use that.

Pick up some endorsements,
commitments for fund-raisers.

You're the gatekeeper.
People will be coming to you.

lt's true, sir.
You already got a call

- from Leadership today.
- McConnell called me?

McConnell hasn't called me
since the shutdown.

Well, actually it was his,
his people.

His people haven't called me
since the shutdown.

lf l don't call him back, he'll
have to call me personally.

Now you're
getting it, darling.

Tammy make a seating plan,
and call Priebus

to get the RNC royalty list.

l'll call the bishop.

She's gonna call the bishop,

and the fabulous Tammy
will call Priebus.

Who you gonna call, huh?
Who's top dog?

Who's the top dog?

Who are
you talking to?

Good afternoon, and welcome
to the Haverford College,

Philadelphia lnquirer
GOP Senate Primary Debate.

As you can see it's quite
a crowded field,

so l would ask each candidate

to give a brief
introductory statement.

Mr. Castles will go first.

Thank you, Dylan.

l'm Clem Castles, founder
and CEO of Cappy's Clam Shacks,

where we have legally paid
no taxes since 1995.

Cappy's, where the taste
of freedom is on the house.

l am April Mandela, treasurer
of the Bucks County PETA.

l believe anyone here wearing
leather is a murderer.

l am Edward Grottlemeyer,

the living embodiment of
Pennsylvania's James Buchanan,

our only bachelor president.

l will be debating
in character.

I am Dr. Albert Hydell.

l support federal
alchemy research,

so that one day,
average middle-class Americans

can turn base metals into gold,
right in their own homes.

You think l'm gonna tell
you my name?

What? So the government can get
all up in my business?

l don't think so.

Hi. l'm Teddy Bungemack,
self-educated Libertarian.

And l believe that nothing
should be illegal.

l would repeal all laws.

My name is
Senator Robert Bettencourt,

and l'd just like to say,

is Democracy great, or what?

What do you think?

Fantastico,

but l've always thought so.

l invested in Team Andy way
before you were tested

with flaming electrical debris.

And l put in startup money
years ago.

l even slept with you
once back.

You did. And l'll never
forget your early faith in me.

There are
pre-crash-and-light friends

and post-crash-and-light
friends.

That's right.

And don't ever trust
the posties.

You can't show up late to a
party and expect the swag bags.

Mm. Check it.

You better hope
that they don't choose that one.

They're not going to find it
too presidential in lowa.

Do they have
Vanity Fairin lowa?

Besitos.

All l am saying is,

is that laws get
in the way of freedom.

Everything should be legal,
no exceptions,

just as the Founding Fathers
intended.

- No, we didn't.
- You're not a Founding Father.

You're the 15th president.
Probably the worst in history.

Excuse me? You ever heard
of George W. Bush,

the guy who blew up
the Twin Towers?

And for more information go
to lnsiderJob.net,

- and don't forget to like us.
- To get back to the deficit...

When my research is concluded
there will be no more deficit.

We'll be able to turn
any common household object,

such as an iron skillet,
say, into solid gold.

At Cappy's Clam Shacks
we use iron skillets

to turn frozen shrimp into gold.

And unlike Senator Bettencourt,
l run a real business,

so when l fire somebody,
they stay fired.

They don't get any fancy
furloughs with back pay.

Senator Bettencourt,
a minute to respond.

Thank you, Dylan. Now, folks,
voters are pretty familiar

with my common-sense
record, but l bet you

they'd like to hear a little bit
more from my opponents,

so l'd like to yield my time,
if l may, uh,

20 seconds to Teddy,
20 to April,

and 20 to President Buchanan.

That's not actually
how that works.

...single aircraft carrier,
we could set up a moon base...

Do we really need roads?
Hmm? Why?

Was l gay? Well,
Wikipedia says l was soft,

effeminate and eccentric,
so it's possible.

...and the powerful, who are
using our tax dollars...

Our roads are falling apart,
they're dirty and dangerous.

l say let's get rid of them.

Thank you and good night.

ln North Carolina,
the battle of the coaches is

going down to the wire
with polls showing

the Republican Senate primary
between to Gil John Biggs

and Digger Mancusi
is too close to call...

- Good morning, sirs!
- Good morning, Marta.

- Looking hot today, Marta.
- Oh, l don't think so, sir.

l don't understand
American cosmetics.

lt's OK. l gave her
breakfast privileges.

OK, that's nice. But why is
she not eating at her own home?

Oh, l usually run out
of food assistance

by the third week
of the month.

l'm sorry, sir.

Are the Coca Kisses yours?

No, you can finish them.

Marta, just out of curiosity,

what's your immigration status?

- Hey!
- Na-na-na-na-na!

Gil John, that's
none of our business.

Stop profiling.
l'm sure she's legal.

- Oh, no, sir, l'm not legal.
- Na-na-na-na-na!

l was hoping you could
help me with that.

You are powerful, no?

Yes. And l for one,
as the son of immigrants,

l am not pulling up the ladder.

You know, Andy, for a guy
who wants to be president,

you're surprisingly bad
at risk assessment.

Ted Cruz would like nothing
better than to bust your ass

over a domestic help scandal.

Scandal? Oh, no, sir. l cannot
bring to you a scandal.

- You helped me get this job.
- What did you do?

lt was supposed to be
an even playing field.

- Marta, we'll work this out.
- OK. l got to go.

- See you all at the funeral.
- Under protest.

Hey, can l speak early?

l'm making dinner
for Adriana tonight.

- You're making dinner here?
- l am, Marta.

Can l have
the leftovers?

Oh, damn it.

Julie, l'm on the way
to the service

and l can't find my eulogy.

No, worries, sir. Uh,
why don't you come by my place,

and l will print you out
a fresh copy.

l don't want to impose
on you at home, Julie.

Who knows what you
might be wearing.

Well, l do, sir,
and it's no problem.

l'll see you soon.

Here you go, Senator.

Per your request,
it's been lawyered

and you have
no exposure.

Thanks so much, Julie.
You're a lifesaver, as usual.

By the way,
l owe you an apology.

For what, sir?

The Love Doctor mix-up.

Why didn't you tell me
you're... homosexual?

Well, sir, it's personal.

And l know your views
on the subject.

So, why do you work for me?

l know your other views.

l don't have to be in perfect
philosophical alignment my boss.

lf l did, l probably
wouldn't have a job.

Well said, Julie.

Listen, while we're
on the subject of gaiety,

may l run something by you?
Only take a minute.

Nothing to do with plumbing.
lt's, uh... policy oriented, OK?

- l can't wait.
- No, l'm fine.

OK. So, if man A only likes
other men,

he's gay.

lf woman A only likes
other women, she's gay.

Therefore, both man A
and woman A are gay.

Which gives them
an important thing in common.

Sounds like
an SAT question, sir.

No, hear me out.

So, if they share the same
sexual orientation,

why couldn't they get married?

Hmm? They'd be mixed gender,

so it wouldn't violate
any laws.

They'd honor
the norms of society,

and their children,
who would be biological...

...always a good thing...

...would have a matched set
of parents,

instead of, you know,

two right mittens
or two left mittens.

- Wow.
- l know!

lt makes a kind of crazy sense,
doesn't it?

Look, this could be the grand
bargain we've been looking for.

Gay marriage, but nothing
that turns people off.

Except for
the people in it.

They wouldn't have
any sex life.

They could have
extramarital affairs,

just like straight people.

You can work out the details.
They're your tribe.

And, and why would l
work out the details?

For my bill:

The Acceptable
Gay Marriage Act.

l really think
we could sell this, Julie.

True common ground
between your people and mine.

Oh, God.
Got to run.

Want to get a good seat.

Thanks for this.

That was so...

...interesting.

Excuse us. Excuse us, folks.

Coming through.

lf you wouldn't mind.

Deceased in the house here.

- Deceased in the house.
- Excuse us, folks.

Coming through.

- Secretary...
- Watch yourself.

Senator Biggs,
l'm from Fox News Sunday.

Chris would love to have you
on the show.

Not a good time.
We have a casket.

We'll send a card.
Nine o'clock OK?

Sorry about that,
Grover. Yes, uh,

very much living the pledge,
l want you to know that.

Very important,
but taxes are still too high.

Oh, clearly.
Now we're aiming

for 25 percent
corporate, right?

- Hi, Tom.
- Hi, Tom.

- Hey, Tom!
- Hey, guys. How are you?

- Hello, Tom.
- How are you?

So, is it true that Paul
"died happy"?

Apparently.

The EMS guys found him
on the floor,

with his pants
on backwards.

Thank you, Rosie, that image is
gonna be uppermost in my mind

- for the entire service.
- Shh!

At this point,
we'd like to bring

some of Paul's colleagues up

for a few words of remembrance.

First up is Paul's oldest friend
in the Senate, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch... Oh!

You're not
Mitch McConnell.

l know, it's OK.
We worked it out,

and he said it was cool
if l went first.

Correction. Our first
speaker is Andy Guzman.

Hmm?

Thank you, Gil.

While today the nation mourns
Paul Mower, statesman,

l mourn Paul Mower,
friend, mentor.

l'll never forget
the day he said to me,

"Andy, you are without doubt,

one of the most naturally gifted
politicians of our time,

or any other time.'"
l recall him adding.

Well, that's a lot
to live up to.

But because Paul believed
so deeply in me,

l came to believe
in myself just as much,

if that's possible.

That's his gift to me,

and hopefully,
to the nation we all serve.

You take care, old warrior.

And save a spot
in Valhalla for me,

if l should prove
so worthy to join you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Valhalla?
That's Norse.

We're in church
for Christ's sake.

That's on me. l should've
vetted his eulogy.

Friends... Betty...

l come before you today
with no written remarks

because l want to speak
straight from the heart.

An old minister friend
of mine used to say

that the heart is
just a little left of center.

Well, Paul would argue
that point,

even though
it's evidence-based...

...but, uh, the irony is
that Paul's heart was

as big as the all-outdoors.

He was a healer,
always ready to reach

across party lines
for the common good.

Can l get an "Amen," Carly?

No? Oh, l'm sure your arguments
were never personal.

Mm. Then naturally there's
a little animus there,

but that's politics,
that's normal.

Suffice to say,
that Paul was really...

...something, and that's rare.

And... and, uh...
Well, we're gonna miss you.

Miss you.

So, farewell, Turd Blossom.

That's what we called him,
only in jest, of course.

Don't ask why.

Farewell.

Via con dios, mon ami.

Betty, our hearts go out
to you on this sad occasion.

How very much we will miss you

and your special contributions
to life in our little village.

None of us will soon forget
your donut cart

during last spring's filibuster.

Or your garage sale
for wounded service dogs.

Or your annual charity seance.

Betty, you are part of us,

and we offer you
our deepest sympathy.

Amen.

You realize you didn't mention
the dead guy?

lt's OK. l don't think
she noticed.

So what did Paul accomplish
in his beloved Senate?

His record speaks for itself.

He tried to defund the
government on seven occasions,

and he succeeded twice.

He obstructed dozens of Cabinet
and judicial appointees.

Voted against background checks,

against Obamacare,
against the jobs bills,

student loans, TARP,
the auto bailout.

To all of these government
intrusions and more,

he said, "No way."

Except to the immigration bill,
to which he said,

"No way, Jose."

Pause for laughter.

l would like to finish
today with a poem.

l'm no poet, so l asked
a member of Paul's staff

to come up with a few lines,
which she just gave me.

"Paul Mower was never a sucker

On issues he wasn't a ducker..."

That's it.
lt's... lt's a couplet.

Thank you.

Always, always proofread.

lt has been said here today,
that Paul was steadfast.

That he stood firm.

That his beliefs were
unshakeable and pure.

And on this, you will get
no argument from me.

As income inequality soared,

Paul's indifference
remained steadfast.

As our roads crumbled,
our schools failed,

our very government
shut itself down.

Paul's belief in social
Darwinism remained

unshakeable and pure.

Friends, l come to bury Paul,
not to praise him.

Mark Antony said that
about Julius Caesar

in his funeral oration.

He didn't mean it.

l do.

Let us all bury Paul today,

and with him,
the mean-spiritedness

for which he stood.

Let us bury the cold,
unfeeling soul that

fought to deprive...

...so many
poor children of access

to Head Start programs,

so many women to safe,
affordable contraception...

You know,
that funeral was a wakeup call.

Makes you wonder
what people will say

about you after you die.

You don't have
to ever die, man.

That's what fame's about.

lt's not just about
getting into the clubs.

l never thought of myself
as being famous.

But l guess l am.

l'm in Wikipedia.

lf l lose this damn primary,

it means l won't die in office.

And Digger will get
the big funeral.

Mine'll be back home.

Who's gonna come all the way
down to Ruby Shoals

to watch 'em plant me?

- Well, l would, Gil John.
- Yeah, me too.

Unless l was held up in the
Situation Room or something.

What about your players?

Some of them would come,
wouldn't they?

Yeah, the boys.

Some of them might
even say something.

The ones without
head injuries, anyway.

That's a comforting thought,
Robert.

They don't ever scrub
Wikipedia, do they?

And we're very happy to welcome
back our old friend Jane Pauley

for another segment in her
series, ''Life Re-imagined.''

And, Jane, it sounds
like your guest this time

has had a lot of time
to re-imagine his life.

Nothing but time, Matt.

Currently serving a five
to seven-year prison term,

Senator Vernon Smits is
a man at a crossroads.

Senator Smits,
so much has changed

since we last sat down.

You'd just been reelected,

and now you find yourself
incarcerated.

l mean, we all live in prisons,
Jane. Come on. Huh?

Sure, some have orange clothes
and bad food,

but there are others that are
hellholes of the mind,

inescapable pits
of self-loathing and fear.

l used to live
in one of those pits.

Now l live here.

lt's much nicer.

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