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1
00:00:02,113 --> 00:00:03,346
Benji.
2
00:00:03,693 --> 00:00:05,248
Hey there.
3
00:00:05,613 --> 00:00:07,448
You've been sitting like that
for five hours.
4
00:00:07,473 --> 00:00:09,373
Should we do a quick bed sore check?
5
00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:12,443
Okay, I saw your Instagram post
6
00:00:12,478 --> 00:00:16,019
of a picture of an aquarium
with the #dreams, #oneday
7
00:00:16,044 --> 00:00:19,111
and should we talk about this?
8
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:22,257
I'm manifesting my fish tank
dreams on social media, okay?
9
00:00:22,281 --> 00:00:24,170
Just leave me alone, please.
10
00:00:24,844 --> 00:00:27,558
Okay... look at me.
11
00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:29,460
You're obviously depressed, okay?
12
00:00:29,495 --> 00:00:32,074
You're only eating salads,
you're posting aquariums
13
00:00:32,099 --> 00:00:34,762
on Instagram, and as your
unofficial legal guardian,
14
00:00:34,787 --> 00:00:37,053
I cannot in good conscience
leave you here.
15
00:00:37,493 --> 00:00:38,999
Esther, those are turbo snails.
16
00:00:39,024 --> 00:00:40,186
They don't talk back.
17
00:00:40,211 --> 00:00:42,487
They clean up after themselves.
They don't salad shame.
18
00:00:42,512 --> 00:00:44,733
That's what I'm looking for right
now in terms of friendship.
19
00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:49,083
Okay, speaking of
friendship, one quick sec.
20
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,826
Happy birthday! Whoo!
21
00:00:51,909 --> 00:00:53,975
[BLOWS HORN]
22
00:00:54,143 --> 00:00:55,630
Happy birthday, Benji.
23
00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:57,525
It's your birthday!
Of course I remembered.
24
00:00:57,550 --> 00:00:59,949
You thought I forgot. Look, get up.
25
00:01:00,290 --> 00:01:01,450
We gotta do something. Get up.
26
00:01:01,510 --> 00:01:04,112
- You can't just sit here. Get up.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
27
00:01:05,117 --> 00:01:06,217
No.
28
00:01:06,242 --> 00:01:08,175
Look, man, I'm burnt out
on Benihana birthdays.
29
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,788
They throw the shrimp at me.
I can't catch it.
30
00:01:09,813 --> 00:01:11,713
I have no neck dexterity. It's tough.
31
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:14,020
No, this ain't no
Benihana birthday, Benj.
32
00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:17,439
We have very special plans
because I am opening up
33
00:01:17,464 --> 00:01:20,432
at a show in Berkeley
and there's enough stage time
34
00:01:20,604 --> 00:01:24,374
for my friend, Benji, to
come with and perform, too.
35
00:01:24,454 --> 00:01:26,588
[SCOFFS] I mean, that sounds fun
36
00:01:26,613 --> 00:01:28,420
but I lost a nug of weed
in my duffle bag
37
00:01:28,445 --> 00:01:30,211
and I think a TSA dog will find it.
38
00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:32,585
We're not flying. This right here
39
00:01:32,643 --> 00:01:35,975
is a birthday road trip!
40
00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:39,439
Road trip all the way to Berkeley?
41
00:01:39,464 --> 00:01:40,645
- Yeah.
- Pass.
42
00:01:40,670 --> 00:01:42,109
You can't pass on a gift, okay?
43
00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:43,525
It's gonna be so much fun.
44
00:01:43,550 --> 00:01:45,064
It's gonna be your first
birthday road trip
45
00:01:45,089 --> 00:01:46,386
and my first anytime road trip.
46
00:01:46,483 --> 00:01:47,593
How have you never been on a road trip?
47
00:01:47,618 --> 00:01:49,218
Isn't that the official vacation
48
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,523
of poor people from the Midwest?
49
00:01:50,548 --> 00:01:52,273
It is, but my parents
always told me that they
50
00:01:52,298 --> 00:01:54,550
did all the good road trips
before I was born.
51
00:01:54,824 --> 00:01:56,357
[SIGHS]
52
00:01:58,441 --> 00:02:01,642
Well, I'm probably just gonna sit
around all day anyways, so...
53
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,399
might as well have the scenery change?
54
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,874
Yes! Oh, my God,
it's gonna be so much fun.
55
00:02:05,902 --> 00:02:08,903
The music, the snacks,
the secret scary stops.
56
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:10,474
The punch buggy. No punch backs.
57
00:02:10,499 --> 00:02:12,332
- Did I do that right?
- No.
58
00:02:12,357 --> 00:02:13,623
You're gonna have the best time
59
00:02:13,648 --> 00:02:14,817
because it's your birthday.
60
00:02:14,864 --> 00:02:16,765
And doing a comedy set on your birthday
61
00:02:16,790 --> 00:02:19,065
is the best thing ever 'cause
audiences feel bad for you
62
00:02:19,090 --> 00:02:21,105
and they'll give you
free laughs all night.
63
00:02:21,206 --> 00:02:23,526
Come on, I'm above cheap
happy birthday laughs.
64
00:02:23,551 --> 00:02:25,432
That's the equivalent
of humping a stool on stage.
65
00:02:25,457 --> 00:02:27,425
Well, I personally don't
think you're above anything,
66
00:02:27,457 --> 00:02:28,505
but we could talk about that later.
67
00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:30,156
Do whatever you want. Let's go.
68
00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:32,022
- You have to drive.
- Ugh.
69
00:02:32,188 --> 00:02:34,674
- What?
- You always make me drive, dude.
70
00:02:34,699 --> 00:02:36,094
I know, but think about this.
71
00:02:36,155 --> 00:02:37,673
You are in control.
72
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,039
You're in the literal
driver's seat, all right?
73
00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:42,312
You choose if we live or die.
74
00:02:42,337 --> 00:02:43,791
Your arguments
don't get more convincing
75
00:02:43,816 --> 00:02:45,331
just 'cause you don't stop talking.
76
00:02:45,447 --> 00:02:48,217
You know, we can't even stop
for snacks if we're dead,
77
00:02:48,271 --> 00:02:50,504
so your position is the most important.
78
00:02:50,861 --> 00:02:54,562
? ?
79
00:02:56,419 --> 00:02:57,785
Jeff, you're coming?
80
00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,810
Hell, yeah, man. Come
on, birthday road trip.
81
00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,563
Oh, my God. This is so cool.
82
00:03:02,588 --> 00:03:04,230
- Right?
- Yeah, it looks great.
83
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,840
It's probably gonna cost like 200 bucks
84
00:03:05,865 --> 00:03:08,450
to detail this out, but whatever.
85
00:03:08,531 --> 00:03:10,231
Okay, well, I won't pay that.
86
00:03:10,573 --> 00:03:12,205
So, uh, what's this gig about?
87
00:03:12,230 --> 00:03:14,246
Oh, so I'm headlining a club up there
88
00:03:14,271 --> 00:03:16,937
because I went to Berkeley
and it's alumni weekend.
89
00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,785
I'm kind of a UC Berkeley legend.
90
00:03:19,902 --> 00:03:21,684
How can you be a legend?
You dropped out.
91
00:03:21,709 --> 00:03:23,950
Excuse you! I got kicked out
92
00:03:23,975 --> 00:03:25,577
because I pooped on a plate
93
00:03:25,602 --> 00:03:27,436
and put it in the
College Republicans' fridge.
94
00:03:27,497 --> 00:03:29,496
I never paid for a single beer since.
95
00:03:29,592 --> 00:03:31,893
- I like that. Respect, dude.
- Thank you.
96
00:03:35,325 --> 00:03:37,300
Uh, you guys didn't pack any bags.
97
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,125
Oh, um, we pack really light.
98
00:03:40,230 --> 00:03:42,530
So, let's do this.
99
00:03:43,589 --> 00:03:45,126
I would at least bring
sheets or something.
100
00:03:45,151 --> 00:03:47,817
These comedy hotel places are gross
101
00:03:47,842 --> 00:03:49,641
and everything's covered in mono.
102
00:03:49,666 --> 00:03:51,078
- [ESTHER] Yeah.
- But it's free.
103
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:53,000
- Hey, hey, wait a second.
- What's up?
104
00:03:53,136 --> 00:03:56,081
Um, why does he think
we're spending the night?
105
00:03:56,379 --> 00:03:58,746
Oh, my God. I got so distracted
106
00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:00,257
by planning the perfect road trip
107
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,637
that I forgot to type up the itinerary.
108
00:04:02,662 --> 00:04:04,721
Oh, all right, but you did tell him
109
00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:06,858
that we pocketed the money
from the hotel,
110
00:04:06,883 --> 00:04:08,029
we're not staying,
and that we're driving
111
00:04:08,054 --> 00:04:10,021
five hours back tonight, right?
112
00:04:10,253 --> 00:04:12,099
No, I didn't, and it just seems like
113
00:04:12,124 --> 00:04:13,420
a weird time to have
that conversation now.
114
00:04:13,445 --> 00:04:15,333
No, it seems like a great time
to have this conversation.
115
00:04:15,358 --> 00:04:17,226
No, um, here's the thing, Jeff.
116
00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:20,120
Benji's going to have
so much fun on this road trip,
117
00:04:20,145 --> 00:04:22,394
that he isn't even gonna want a hotel
118
00:04:22,419 --> 00:04:24,636
because at this point, a hotel would be
119
00:04:24,661 --> 00:04:27,328
- merely an interruption.
- Huh.
120
00:04:27,944 --> 00:04:29,233
That was really convincing.
121
00:04:29,258 --> 00:04:30,878
The trick is to move your hands a lot.
122
00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:32,768
- Oh.
- All right.
123
00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:35,683
- I got vertigo.
- Let's do it!
124
00:04:37,254 --> 00:04:40,108
Okay, so you guys are
so lucky right now.
125
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,853
I have had this mix forever
126
00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:43,736
and I made it in seventh grade
127
00:04:43,806 --> 00:04:46,422
for our class field trip
to our state capital...
128
00:04:46,470 --> 00:04:50,334
Springfield, and I never...
Well, actually, I couldn't go
129
00:04:50,359 --> 00:04:53,460
because I have, um, I had teen onset
130
00:04:53,485 --> 00:04:54,645
parental attachment disorder.
131
00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:56,384
- Oh.
- Yeah, so please,
132
00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:00,108
[SING-SONGY] get ready!
133
00:05:00,249 --> 00:05:03,984
[ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID
BY T.A.T.U PLAYS]
134
00:05:04,319 --> 00:05:06,404
? All the things she said,
all the things she said ?
135
00:05:06,429 --> 00:05:08,212
? Running through my head,
running through my head ?
136
00:05:08,237 --> 00:05:09,737
? Running through my head ?
137
00:05:09,762 --> 00:05:11,482
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- ? All the things she said ?
138
00:05:11,507 --> 00:05:12,797
? ...Running through my head ?
139
00:05:12,822 --> 00:05:14,287
? Running through my head,
all the things she said ?
140
00:05:14,312 --> 00:05:16,050
Yes, live through it.
141
00:05:16,306 --> 00:05:19,240
[SINGING] ? Not enough ?
142
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:21,562
Okay, I'm sorry. This has to stop.
This has to stop.
143
00:05:21,587 --> 00:05:22,692
I'm trying to drive.
144
00:05:22,717 --> 00:05:25,399
You guys, I'm sorry. I made
this mix perfectly timed out
145
00:05:25,424 --> 00:05:27,585
so that we would get
to Powell's Chicken Palace
146
00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:30,251
right on time for early dinner,
which the Dutch call supper.
147
00:05:30,276 --> 00:05:31,377
I bet you didn't know this would be
148
00:05:31,402 --> 00:05:33,113
an educational road trip as well.
149
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:35,369
I don't think that's true,
but I love your confidence.
150
00:05:35,514 --> 00:05:36,985
Ooh, I've heard of Powell's.
151
00:05:37,010 --> 00:05:38,910
They're supposed to have
the best chicken ever.
152
00:05:38,935 --> 00:05:41,403
I know.
I planned the perfect road trip.
153
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:45,137
Honestly, we have so many
good things planned.
154
00:05:45,162 --> 00:05:47,304
We're gonna go to an ostrich farm.
155
00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:49,070
- Mm-hmm.
- Which is a little bit scary
156
00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:51,644
but we'll just get a few Instagrams,
and then we'll get out.
157
00:05:51,669 --> 00:05:52,830
We have Dodo's Donuts
158
00:05:52,855 --> 00:05:54,479
which is world-famous donuts...
no big deal.
159
00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:56,910
Honestly, it's an
embarrassment of Richards.
160
00:05:57,154 --> 00:05:58,341
Do you know what you just said?
161
00:05:58,366 --> 00:06:00,014
You just said an
embarrassment of Richards.
162
00:06:00,039 --> 00:06:01,834
No, I said we have
a lot of good options.
163
00:06:01,859 --> 00:06:03,725
Unh-unh, how many Richards?
164
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,659
Yeah, how many Richards
exactly are we talking here?
165
00:06:05,684 --> 00:06:07,288
- You guys.
- Dreyfuss, Petty?
166
00:06:07,313 --> 00:06:09,668
Move on. -Well, speaking
of places we should go,
167
00:06:09,693 --> 00:06:11,066
I heard about this place off the five,
168
00:06:11,091 --> 00:06:12,560
and it has a banana split
169
00:06:12,585 --> 00:06:14,208
where they use
banana ice cream with it.
170
00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:15,852
It's bananas on bananas.
171
00:06:16,225 --> 00:06:18,767
I love bananas. -Look, we'll
discuss it later, okay?
172
00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:21,206
Right now I actually have to
pee really, really badly.
173
00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:22,441
Do you have, like, a bottle back there?
174
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,166
- What do you got?
- Let's just hop out
175
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:25,765
and pop a squat like God intended.
176
00:06:26,328 --> 00:06:28,244
[SIGHS] Fine. But let the record show
177
00:06:28,269 --> 00:06:31,236
that this don't count as one
of your birthday presents.
178
00:06:32,397 --> 00:06:33,784
[BENJI] Careful, careful.
179
00:06:33,809 --> 00:06:35,575
These are brand-new New Balances.
180
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,114
Look, man, it's pee.
It goes where it goes.
181
00:06:38,174 --> 00:06:40,626
It's totally a myth that
women can't aim their pee.
182
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,233
Come on. You know what I was thinking?
183
00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:44,425
Tomorrow if we leave
around 10 a.m. for LA,
184
00:06:44,450 --> 00:06:47,838
we'll catch a really gnarly,
sort of pollution sunset.
185
00:06:47,863 --> 00:06:49,663
[ESTHER] Yeah, okay.
186
00:06:49,688 --> 00:06:51,350
Oh, you know what?
He's peeing, you're peeing,
187
00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:52,910
I'm probably dehydrated. I need water.
188
00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:54,465
Okay.
189
00:06:55,537 --> 00:06:56,944
Come on, now, we have to tell him.
190
00:06:56,969 --> 00:06:58,124
He thinks we're spending the night.
191
00:06:58,149 --> 00:07:00,431
- I will murder you.
- Come on,
192
00:07:00,456 --> 00:07:02,341
it's his birthday, for God's sakes.
193
00:07:02,385 --> 00:07:05,086
I'll poison you, and no one
will know that I did it,
194
00:07:05,111 --> 00:07:07,111
and the most you can hope for
is a Dateline special
195
00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:08,643
with a tips hotline at the end.
196
00:07:08,725 --> 00:07:10,671
I'm not afraid of you, Esther.
I'm gonna tell him right now.
197
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:11,788
- Then we'll see what you do.
- Uh, mm-hmm.
198
00:07:11,813 --> 00:07:12,873
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, what's up, dude?
199
00:07:12,898 --> 00:07:14,275
- Hey.
- I just wanted to say
200
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,900
thanks for bringing me
on this road trip.
201
00:07:15,925 --> 00:07:18,745
It's probably my funnest birthday ever.
202
00:07:18,895 --> 00:07:20,333
Not really a birthday person,
203
00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:22,406
- so I appreciate it.
- [ESTHER] Cool.
204
00:07:22,431 --> 00:07:24,843
- Okay, let's ride.
- Hey, I'm still working...
205
00:07:24,868 --> 00:07:27,831
Come on, now. Supposed to
be looking out for me.
206
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,462
I'm so glad you talked me
into getting the fried chicken.
207
00:07:39,487 --> 00:07:41,029
- It's so good.
- Mm-hmm.
208
00:07:41,104 --> 00:07:43,742
Grilled chicken just tastes like
lonely-people food, you know?
209
00:07:43,782 --> 00:07:45,486
Yeah, man. Checking this off your list
210
00:07:45,511 --> 00:07:47,477
is gonna give you a high
you'll never forget.
211
00:07:47,502 --> 00:07:50,782
It's gonna carry you for
weeks, no matter what happens.
212
00:07:52,094 --> 00:07:53,459
Hey.
213
00:07:53,484 --> 00:07:55,484
- [JEFF] Hey.
- Esther, you have to try
214
00:07:55,477 --> 00:07:57,064
this chicken. It's crazy.
215
00:07:57,089 --> 00:08:00,410
Yeah, Jeffrey, can I have
a quick adult chat with you?
216
00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:02,343
Um, seeing as I'm the only adult here,
217
00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:04,104
- I respectfully decline.
- Mm-hmm,
218
00:08:04,156 --> 00:08:05,250
it's birthday surprise related.
219
00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:06,743
- Okay, now.
- So let's go.
220
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:08,879
-You ain't gotta put your hands on...
all right.
221
00:08:10,106 --> 00:08:11,173
What?
222
00:08:11,198 --> 00:08:13,945
How could you let him eat
fried chicken and drink beer?
223
00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:15,801
He was supposed to get
what he always gets.
224
00:08:15,826 --> 00:08:17,154
Grilled chicken and water.
225
00:08:17,179 --> 00:08:19,317
Esther, it's his birthday, okay?
226
00:08:19,342 --> 00:08:21,301
Not dinner time at a POW camp.
227
00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:22,381
I don't see what the big deal is.
228
00:08:22,406 --> 00:08:24,207
Jeff, if there's one thing you're
supposed to know about Benji,
229
00:08:24,232 --> 00:08:26,432
it's that he always needs to
take a shower after he eats
230
00:08:26,457 --> 00:08:28,846
fried, greasy foods, okay?
The only reason he did that
231
00:08:28,871 --> 00:08:31,529
is because he thinks we have
a hotel to go shower in after.
232
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:33,487
I don't think even Benji's that crazy.
233
00:08:33,617 --> 00:08:35,611
- See for yourself.
- Okay.
234
00:08:36,586 --> 00:08:38,519
Hey, Benj, I got a great idea.
235
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,695
How about after we leave
this ostrich farm,
236
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,640
we go straight to the show?
Does that sound cool?
237
00:08:42,671 --> 00:08:44,571
Oh, absolutely not.
I have to get to the hotel
238
00:08:44,564 --> 00:08:46,612
and wash off this
fried chicken, you know?
239
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:49,044
The booze, the fried chicken.
That's my thing to wash it off.
240
00:08:49,079 --> 00:08:51,045
That's right. That's your thing.
241
00:08:55,857 --> 00:08:58,122
- Jeffrey, what's going on here?
- It was her, okay?
242
00:08:58,147 --> 00:08:59,697
It was her.
It was her idea the whole...
243
00:08:59,722 --> 00:09:02,522
It was all Esther,
and I'm like a hostage, man.
244
00:09:02,547 --> 00:09:03,673
I was scared for my life.
245
00:09:03,727 --> 00:09:05,733
Listen, I didn't want
nothing to do with this.
246
00:09:05,822 --> 00:09:08,914
- Jeff, shut up.
- Esther, what's going on here?
247
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,975
Don't make me take away
the Postmates password.
248
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,335
Benji, there is no hotel.
249
00:09:14,437 --> 00:09:16,593
What? There's no long,
steamy shower before the show?
250
00:09:16,618 --> 00:09:18,578
I'm covered in a thick layer
of food grease, guys.
251
00:09:18,603 --> 00:09:20,798
I'm supposed to shower off my mistakes.
252
00:09:20,823 --> 00:09:22,523
This was like 3,000 calories.
253
00:09:22,552 --> 00:09:23,970
[SCOFFS]
254
00:09:24,007 --> 00:09:26,240
But totally worth it, right?
255
00:09:26,682 --> 00:09:27,971
'Cause it was good chicken.
256
00:09:27,996 --> 00:09:29,996
Guys, what did you do to me?
257
00:09:30,533 --> 00:09:32,700
? ?
258
00:09:37,137 --> 00:09:40,138
New low. Lying to me on my birthday.
259
00:09:40,305 --> 00:09:41,933
Benji, let me explain, okay?
260
00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:43,197
I didn't wanna see you
261
00:09:43,222 --> 00:09:44,849
wasting away on your birthday
262
00:09:44,874 --> 00:09:47,708
like Miss Havisham's
rotting wedding cake.
263
00:09:47,897 --> 00:09:49,109
What?
264
00:09:49,185 --> 00:09:50,755
Guys, I had mono in junior high
265
00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:52,390
and I read a Dickens book.
266
00:09:52,415 --> 00:09:54,481
- No, you didn't.
- Okay,
267
00:09:54,544 --> 00:09:56,197
I heard someone
make the reference recently
268
00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:57,588
and I wanted to sound cool.
269
00:09:57,787 --> 00:10:00,621
Look, there's no hotel
which means there's no shower.
270
00:10:00,723 --> 00:10:03,351
And if there's no shower,
I can't perform.
271
00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:04,795
You knew this about me.
272
00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:06,972
Yes, and we also knew
that if we told you
273
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,777
that we had no hotel, you
never would've come with us
274
00:10:08,802 --> 00:10:09,816
and up until this point
275
00:10:09,841 --> 00:10:11,512
you've been having the
time of your life.
276
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,599
You have to really ask yourself
277
00:10:13,635 --> 00:10:16,661
have I ruined your day
any more than I usually do?
278
00:10:16,692 --> 00:10:18,658
I feel like the answer is no.
279
00:10:18,694 --> 00:10:20,968
Yeah, you dragged me across California.
280
00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:23,548
Do you have to take a full shower?
281
00:10:23,586 --> 00:10:25,552
Could you just take
a wipe bath and be cool?
282
00:10:25,641 --> 00:10:28,408
No, it can't be a wipe bath.
What am I, French?
283
00:10:28,738 --> 00:10:31,561
Look, my nanny, Marisol
always washed me after meals
284
00:10:31,586 --> 00:10:33,100
and this is my life now.
I need a shower.
285
00:10:33,125 --> 00:10:34,645
I was just trying to be a good friend.
286
00:10:34,673 --> 00:10:36,794
You watched me pack a night bag
287
00:10:36,819 --> 00:10:38,519
knowing I wouldn't even need it.
288
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,922
And Jeffrey, dear, old Jeffrey.
289
00:10:41,468 --> 00:10:42,589
You were in on this.
290
00:10:42,614 --> 00:10:44,222
I expect it from her, but you?
291
00:10:44,247 --> 00:10:45,446
You went to church as a kid.
292
00:10:45,841 --> 00:10:47,807
Yeah, man, but come on,
nobody got hurt.
293
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:48,966
Let's just move on.
294
00:10:48,991 --> 00:10:50,104
What do you mean no one
got hurt? I'm hurt.
295
00:10:50,129 --> 00:10:51,502
This is me hurt. I'm expressing myself.
296
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,230
- Hi, I'm hurt.
- You need to realize
297
00:10:53,255 --> 00:10:55,055
that there are different
levels of lies, okay?
298
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,851
And all this was was a lie of omission.
299
00:10:57,933 --> 00:10:59,344
That's all the way down here,
300
00:10:59,369 --> 00:11:02,303
and then you've got half-truths, JKs,
301
00:11:02,738 --> 00:11:04,972
big, little lies, little, big lies.
302
00:11:05,007 --> 00:11:06,662
Okay, you can't get
the same amount of mad
303
00:11:06,687 --> 00:11:08,154
for all those. You just can't.
304
00:11:08,179 --> 00:11:09,660
Look, guys, I'm gonna get a fancy hotel
305
00:11:09,685 --> 00:11:11,567
and you can't stay with me
and you can't come in my car.
306
00:11:11,607 --> 00:11:12,916
- We're done.
- Hey, hey, you know what?
307
00:11:12,941 --> 00:11:14,252
If you're looking for
some recommendations
308
00:11:14,277 --> 00:11:16,110
I know a boutique place
real close to here
309
00:11:16,135 --> 00:11:17,827
that has a bocce court in the back.
310
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:22,209
Every hotel in Berkeley's sold out.
311
00:11:22,291 --> 00:11:25,407
[SIGHS] Alumni weekend.
312
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:26,953
I'm leaving.
313
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,922
Look, there's a gym close to here,
314
00:11:28,991 --> 00:11:30,750
and it's got day passes and everything.
315
00:11:30,775 --> 00:11:32,259
You can take a shower there.
316
00:11:32,422 --> 00:11:34,422
What's the body wash situation
at that gym?
317
00:11:34,447 --> 00:11:36,019
[SCOFFS]
318
00:11:36,139 --> 00:11:37,679
[JEFF] I'll get you body
wash for your birthday.
319
00:11:37,704 --> 00:11:39,523
- Problem solved.
- Fine, let's go.
320
00:11:39,569 --> 00:11:40,628
- [ESTHER] Fine.
- Great.
321
00:11:41,475 --> 00:11:42,703
[ESTHER] Benji, come on, okay?
322
00:11:42,728 --> 00:11:44,968
You said you were just gonna
shower and then we would go.
323
00:11:45,456 --> 00:11:47,018
I got a day pass.
I'm getting my money's worth.
324
00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:48,349
You should exercise, too.
325
00:11:48,451 --> 00:11:49,955
Cardio is a great stress reliever.
326
00:11:49,980 --> 00:11:52,348
Jeffrey, whose side are you on?
327
00:11:52,762 --> 00:11:55,243
I don't know.
I mean, I don't even care.
328
00:11:55,268 --> 00:11:56,569
I just wanna get to the show,
all right?
329
00:11:56,594 --> 00:11:58,307
I wanna... I wanna end this thing.
330
00:11:58,335 --> 00:11:59,550
And just so you know, Benji,
331
00:11:59,575 --> 00:12:00,738
you took too much time
working out here.
332
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,500
We're not gonna make it
to all our stops.
333
00:12:02,558 --> 00:12:05,725
We're gonna have to make
some really difficult decisions.
334
00:12:06,302 --> 00:12:08,065
It's not my problem, liars.
335
00:12:08,098 --> 00:12:09,264
- Ugh.
- Hey.
336
00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:10,258
Be quick, okay?
337
00:12:10,283 --> 00:12:12,450
And just wash your hot zones.
338
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:21,121
This is a disaster.
339
00:12:21,444 --> 00:12:22,964
What's up?
340
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,425
Hey, what's up?
341
00:12:25,781 --> 00:12:27,695
You seem down, little buddy.
342
00:12:28,017 --> 00:12:30,083
I'm just, uh, I'm just washing my hair.
343
00:12:30,108 --> 00:12:32,608
- I'm okay, man.
- [LAUGHS]
344
00:12:32,802 --> 00:12:34,820
Nice try, dude. Don't lie to me.
345
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:36,590
Okay, I'm a body language expert.
346
00:12:36,819 --> 00:12:38,392
Helps me out in the courtroom.
347
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:40,374
You new here?
348
00:12:40,683 --> 00:12:42,367
I work out here all the time.
Never seen you.
349
00:12:42,412 --> 00:12:43,578
What's up?
350
00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:45,573
- It's a long story, man.
- Yeah?
351
00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:48,896
Well, I gotta shave up,
352
00:12:48,921 --> 00:12:50,854
so all I got is time.
353
00:12:50,993 --> 00:12:52,172
Hit me.
354
00:12:52,222 --> 00:12:55,189
All right, so it's my birthday, and...
355
00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:56,814
Happy birthday!
356
00:12:56,839 --> 00:13:00,574
Everybody, this man's birthday
is today!
357
00:13:00,703 --> 00:13:02,737
- Whoo!
- Thanks, dude.
358
00:13:03,185 --> 00:13:04,964
Yeah, I'm not usually
a birthday person.
359
00:13:05,002 --> 00:13:06,730
I really don't even care about them.
360
00:13:06,863 --> 00:13:09,443
- Uh-huh.
- My friends invite me on a road trip,
361
00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:11,412
all the way from LA...
362
00:13:11,674 --> 00:13:15,543
[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]
363
00:13:16,498 --> 00:13:18,465
? ?
364
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,154
So, I don't know. They're dicks.
365
00:13:30,175 --> 00:13:31,481
But maybe I'm overreacting.
366
00:13:31,581 --> 00:13:33,510
No, unh-unh. On your birthday.
367
00:13:34,201 --> 00:13:36,379
This is the one day
you can celebrate you.
368
00:13:37,493 --> 00:13:39,282
[SIGHS] Feelings are feelings.
369
00:13:39,975 --> 00:13:43,865
Okay? And that is the realest
thing I've ever told anyone.
370
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,851
Yeah.
371
00:13:46,718 --> 00:13:48,119
- Great.
- I like that.
372
00:13:48,144 --> 00:13:49,287
- Thank you.
- Take it, man.
373
00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:50,627
Happy birthday. That's my gift to you.
374
00:13:50,652 --> 00:13:52,320
Thanks, dude.
375
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:58,119
[SINGING] ? Happy birthday to you ?
376
00:13:58,154 --> 00:13:59,340
[LAUGHS]
377
00:13:59,365 --> 00:14:01,412
I mean, I'm just saying
that no matter what,
378
00:14:01,437 --> 00:14:03,850
going to an ostrich farm
is a more unique experience.
379
00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:05,615
Okay, well, going to Dodo's Donuts
380
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,552
is a more delicious experience.
381
00:14:07,696 --> 00:14:10,101
Plus, Jeff, I googled "ostrich bite"
382
00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:12,027
and what I saw really scared me.
383
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,920
They don't have teeth.
It's just like...
384
00:14:14,005 --> 00:14:15,153
- Like that.
- That hurt.
385
00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:16,886
- Oh.
- Hey, guys, let's go.
386
00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,801
Great, we are back on schedule.
387
00:14:18,826 --> 00:14:20,538
We just decided
we're gonna go get donuts.
388
00:14:20,563 --> 00:14:22,329
Actually, there's been
a change in plans.
389
00:14:22,398 --> 00:14:25,077
Decisions now go through me,
the birthday boy.
390
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:28,065
Just had a great talk
with my new friend,
391
00:14:28,272 --> 00:14:32,108
Muscle Guy, and Muscle Guy
says feelings are feelings,
392
00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:34,626
and I don't feel like getting a donut.
393
00:14:34,651 --> 00:14:37,251
I feel like getting the world's
greatest banana split.
394
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,244
Okay, well, I don't think you
understand how road trips work.
395
00:14:40,269 --> 00:14:41,762
I mean, these things have to be planned
396
00:14:41,787 --> 00:14:43,437
weeks, if not months in advance.
397
00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:45,016
That's cute. That's real cute, Esther.
398
00:14:45,041 --> 00:14:47,351
'Cause I don't think you know
how birthdays work.
399
00:14:47,376 --> 00:14:48,475
I don't think either of you
400
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,400
understand how friendship works.
401
00:14:54,762 --> 00:14:56,728
Come on, man, get some ice cream.
402
00:14:56,764 --> 00:14:58,665
- You love ice cream.
- I'm not really that hungry.
403
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,601
- Thank you.
- Hey, maybe we just
404
00:15:00,626 --> 00:15:04,088
all eat quietly before my
migraine really kicks in.
405
00:15:04,358 --> 00:15:06,068
Just take a bite.
406
00:15:06,093 --> 00:15:07,958
It's the best banana split ever.
407
00:15:07,983 --> 00:15:09,186
I'm fine, okay?
408
00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:10,301
I've actually been reading
409
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,981
all about Bill and Suzy
410
00:15:12,006 --> 00:15:15,074
and how this place was
their dream to open it.
411
00:15:15,646 --> 00:15:19,025
[SIGHS] Congratulations, Suzy.
412
00:15:19,564 --> 00:15:23,437
Will you stop acting like
you're so donut horny, okay?
413
00:15:23,462 --> 00:15:25,502
I've seen your vision board.
It's all sugar cookies.
414
00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:26,903
Those are snickerdoodles.
415
00:15:26,936 --> 00:15:28,569
Snickerdoodles are sugar cookies.
416
00:15:28,632 --> 00:15:31,062
They're not. -They're part
of the sugar cookie family.
417
00:15:31,142 --> 00:15:32,708
There's no cookie family.
418
00:15:32,795 --> 00:15:34,848
There is a cookie genus. Yes, there is.
419
00:15:34,873 --> 00:15:36,287
And if you take a sugar cookie,
420
00:15:36,312 --> 00:15:37,832
you put snickerdoodle seasoning on it,
421
00:15:37,857 --> 00:15:39,651
- and then it's a snickerdoodle.
- You mean cinnamon?
422
00:15:39,676 --> 00:15:41,408
- Do you even know?
- I do know.
423
00:15:41,485 --> 00:15:43,141
It's more than cinnamon
to make a snickerdoodle.
424
00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:45,478
Yeah, that's why they're
two different cookies.
425
00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:47,619
It's not just one ingredient
that makes it.
426
00:15:47,678 --> 00:15:50,645
The basis of a snickerdoodle
is sugar cookie.
427
00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:52,603
All right, I'm out.
428
00:15:52,755 --> 00:15:53,888
My Lyft's almost here.
429
00:15:53,913 --> 00:15:55,466
I'm just gonna wait
for Ignacio outside.
430
00:15:55,499 --> 00:15:57,181
- Can I come with you?
- No.
431
00:15:57,215 --> 00:15:58,661
I'm gonna come with you, though.
432
00:15:58,756 --> 00:15:59,794
No!
433
00:15:59,850 --> 00:16:01,816
Look, the two of you
are acting like maniacs,
434
00:16:01,841 --> 00:16:03,173
and I have a show tonight.
435
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,334
And so to you I say, "Peace."
436
00:16:08,002 --> 00:16:09,738
Really dramatic.
437
00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:10,888
You know the only reason he left
438
00:16:10,913 --> 00:16:13,219
is because you're a sociopath, right?
439
00:16:13,677 --> 00:16:15,291
I mean, really? Come on.
440
00:16:15,401 --> 00:16:16,801
If anyone's a sociopath, it's you.
441
00:16:16,826 --> 00:16:18,559
You're the sociopath. You're charming.
442
00:16:18,743 --> 00:16:20,734
Fine, but if I'm a sociopath,
443
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:24,568
you're a lazy, entitled,
narcissistic loser,
444
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,268
which is way worse.
445
00:16:26,296 --> 00:16:27,739
You know, I was actually having fun
446
00:16:27,764 --> 00:16:29,221
but I should've known
this was all a sham.
447
00:16:29,246 --> 00:16:31,939
You just wanted to use me to
be a driver on your road trip,
448
00:16:31,964 --> 00:16:35,757
and even when it's my birthday...
my freaking birthday,
449
00:16:35,782 --> 00:16:37,198
you still have to have it your way.
450
00:16:37,223 --> 00:16:39,123
That's not true, okay? I wanted to go
451
00:16:39,148 --> 00:16:41,181
to the donut shop because of you.
452
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:44,185
They have gluten-free donuts
in every flavor imaginable.
453
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,346
It was part of your surprise.
454
00:16:46,963 --> 00:16:48,123
What?
455
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,565
It doesn't matter, okay?
456
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:52,227
It's too late to go now.
We don't have time.
457
00:16:53,744 --> 00:16:55,603
I didn't realize that was
part of the plan, all right?
458
00:16:55,628 --> 00:16:56,770
Thank you. That's very thoughtful.
459
00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:59,281
Well, happy birthday.
460
00:16:59,376 --> 00:17:01,309
? ?
461
00:17:01,392 --> 00:17:03,650
I can't believe Jeff left us.
462
00:17:04,096 --> 00:17:05,356
What a jerk.
463
00:17:05,381 --> 00:17:08,215
Dude, do you realize
what just happened?
464
00:17:08,264 --> 00:17:10,191
Who invited us to a show?
465
00:17:10,340 --> 00:17:12,140
Who found a gym super fast
466
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:13,525
that already had a day pass ready,
467
00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:15,301
and then... And then who sat there
468
00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,771
and watched me eat fried food?
469
00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:18,436
And now he's going to the show
470
00:17:18,461 --> 00:17:19,887
and he thinks we're not going.
471
00:17:19,912 --> 00:17:22,012
Oh, we're going to the show.
472
00:17:22,239 --> 00:17:23,793
Yeah, we're going to the show.
473
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:25,059
Show him.
474
00:17:25,084 --> 00:17:26,084
I can't believe he tried
475
00:17:26,109 --> 00:17:27,750
to tear us apart like that.
476
00:17:28,223 --> 00:17:30,178
I hope he bombs tonight.
477
00:17:30,427 --> 00:17:32,260
I hope someone heckles him.
478
00:17:32,990 --> 00:17:34,850
I hope two people heckle him.
479
00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:36,852
Hmm, interesting.
480
00:17:36,969 --> 00:17:38,569
I'll be Kissinger. You be Nixon.
481
00:17:38,635 --> 00:17:40,569
I'll be SpongeBob. You be Patrick.
482
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:42,550
[ESTHER] He's Squidward.
483
00:17:43,006 --> 00:17:44,072
[BENJI] Let's go.
484
00:17:44,614 --> 00:17:46,929
Hey, Berkeley, how you doing?
485
00:17:46,964 --> 00:17:48,337
It's so good to see you.
486
00:17:48,362 --> 00:17:51,510
All right, what a nice-looking house.
487
00:17:51,535 --> 00:17:54,269
Now, I gotta tell you
I'm used to, uh, LA houses.
488
00:17:54,294 --> 00:17:55,694
Real sexy, hot houses.
489
00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:58,381
This is not that, but, um,
it's really nice.
490
00:17:58,406 --> 00:18:00,191
This is like a palate cleanser
for my eyes.
491
00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:04,232
Uh, I gotta tell you, uh,
today is my birthday.
492
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:06,091
- Yeah, happy birthday.
- Yeah.
493
00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:07,559
[BENJI] It's not his birthday.
It's my birthday.
494
00:18:07,584 --> 00:18:09,030
He's stealing it for an easy laugh.
495
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,768
- He's lying.
- Liar.
496
00:18:10,793 --> 00:18:12,574
These are a couple of my friends here.
497
00:18:12,599 --> 00:18:14,420
Uh, these are really nice people.
498
00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:16,266
Thank you so much for showing up.
499
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,963
[LAUGHS] Anyways, guys, uh,
500
00:18:19,049 --> 00:18:21,426
does anybody else think
that when you were a kid
501
00:18:21,451 --> 00:18:24,419
that all dogs were boys
and all cats were girls?
502
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,135
- Right, right, right?
- [CROWD MURMURS]
503
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,925
Well, I did, too,
until I started dating this girl
504
00:18:28,973 --> 00:18:30,963
who had a female dog, and so...
505
00:18:30,988 --> 00:18:34,056
I wonder if this dog joke
ends in "bitch" wordplay?
506
00:18:34,164 --> 00:18:35,965
- I wonder.
- Seriously?
507
00:18:36,019 --> 00:18:37,857
No, I don't wonder.
I can finish this joke for you.
508
00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:39,411
- Most of us can.
- Just let it... you know what?
509
00:18:39,436 --> 00:18:41,756
Let's move on. So anyway, I was
talking to my girlfriend...
510
00:18:41,906 --> 00:18:43,497
- No girlfriend.
- You know what, man?
511
00:18:43,593 --> 00:18:45,127
You know what,
I'm not even gonna give you guys
512
00:18:45,171 --> 00:18:47,439
the-the-the fun of doing this to me.
513
00:18:47,464 --> 00:18:49,531
- I'm out.
- Come back, Jeffrey!
514
00:18:49,599 --> 00:18:51,676
- Come on, oh, dude!
- Jeff, come back.
515
00:18:51,742 --> 00:18:53,775
- He's joking.
- Come on, man.
516
00:18:53,816 --> 00:18:55,755
- We're messing with you.
- Jeffrey!
517
00:18:55,881 --> 00:18:58,314
Best birthday gift ever, heckling Jeff.
Thank you.
518
00:18:58,401 --> 00:19:00,502
I knew you'd love road trips.
519
00:19:03,092 --> 00:19:05,092
So?
520
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,215
I mean, it's the best donut I ever had.
521
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,304
- Gluten-free or not.
- Yes!
522
00:19:08,329 --> 00:19:10,164
- It's the best.
- This completes
523
00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:11,354
the perfect road trip.
524
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,283
Except for when Jeff tried to ruin it,
525
00:19:13,325 --> 00:19:16,359
- but what can you do?
- What? Are you serious?
526
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,189
Come on, this is the same crap
you guys always pull
527
00:19:19,214 --> 00:19:20,453
when you get into a fight
with each other.
528
00:19:20,478 --> 00:19:22,426
Neither one of you wants
to admit that you're wrong,
529
00:19:22,451 --> 00:19:24,589
so you end up dumping it all
on a third party.
530
00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,901
Come on, dude, what is this
third party stuff, dude?
531
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,298
Me! I'm the third party.
532
00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:29,556
Me, Jeff.
533
00:19:29,845 --> 00:19:31,526
Unbelievable that you would try
534
00:19:31,551 --> 00:19:33,294
to tear us apart right now.
535
00:19:33,335 --> 00:19:35,402
And on my birthday, dude.
That's so bold.
536
00:19:35,477 --> 00:19:37,851
I don't know about bold,
but it's inconsiderate.
537
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,684
You know what? You know
what, you guys are jerks.
538
00:19:40,743 --> 00:19:42,930
You're terrible.
You're terrible people.
539
00:19:43,052 --> 00:19:45,319
We're just teasing you, relax.
540
00:19:45,448 --> 00:19:48,568
Jeff, come on, we're just heckling you.
541
00:19:48,593 --> 00:19:50,134
Everyone knows it makes you stronger.
542
00:19:50,159 --> 00:19:52,507
- Look how strong we are.
- It's very, very funny
543
00:19:52,535 --> 00:19:54,173
how the two you never want to confront
544
00:19:54,198 --> 00:19:56,235
any of your actual problems
with each other.
545
00:19:56,285 --> 00:19:58,185
Oh, my God, this again
with the problems.
546
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,100
- [JEFF SIGHS]
- Actually, Jeffrey,
547
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:01,491
we think you're a sociopath.
548
00:20:01,817 --> 00:20:03,784
Well, we don't...
We know you're a sociopath.
549
00:20:03,813 --> 00:20:05,713
Okay, you know what? That's it.
550
00:20:05,868 --> 00:20:07,801
Bye! Bye!
551
00:20:08,017 --> 00:20:09,242
Happy birthday, man.
552
00:20:10,846 --> 00:20:12,146
That was crazy.
553
00:20:12,181 --> 00:20:14,448
Like, straight up, that was so crazy.
554
00:20:14,730 --> 00:20:16,104
I know. He's got problems.
555
00:20:16,129 --> 00:20:18,129
- I feel really bad for him.
- Me too.
556
00:20:18,321 --> 00:20:20,008
And then he's like,
"Confront your problems."
557
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:21,387
And then we're like, "All
right, here's your problem."
558
00:20:21,412 --> 00:20:23,454
Well, the sad thing is
is that when you act like that
559
00:20:23,479 --> 00:20:25,037
you're never gonna find someone.
560
00:20:25,263 --> 00:20:27,747
You're just always
gonna be by yourself.
561
00:20:28,050 --> 00:20:29,418
Yeah, I know.
562
00:20:29,452 --> 00:20:31,419
It's sad.
563
00:20:31,469 --> 00:20:36,019
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