All language subtitles for About a Boy s02e12 About a Prostitute.eng

Okay, here we go.
Keep going.

What do we got next?

Vice president of sales--
$200,000 a year.

I can swing that one.
Circle it.

You don't know anything
about sales.

It requires 20 years
experience.

You are forgetting
how charming I would be

in the job interview.
Circle it.

Stop saying "circle it," 'cause
there's nothing to circle.

Circle it.
Just circle it and move on.

All right, listen,
you don't have experience

to do any of the stuff
that you highlighted.

Senior copywriter.
Fashion consultant.

Commercial airline pilot?
Seriously?

All right, it was
a little bit of a stretch.

But to be fair, those planes
are on autopilot a lot.

- Honestly.
- I gotta go.

- What? Don't go.
- You know what?

I just don't know what happened
to the song.

The producer said he liked
the hook.

Why did we even hound that guy
in the first place?

- Listen, it's great...
- Oh, I got to go.

But even if he likes it,

it doesn't mean I'm gonna be
making any money soon.

I need cash now,
even if it means

working one of these boring
regular-person jobs.

As a point of reference,

how much does Laurie pay you
to watch the kids?

Nothing,
because they are my kids.

Seems like a raw deal.

All right.

I, uh...

Oh, what sort
of hippie voodoo

is going on in
Granola Town today?

[light jazz music]

Isn't that lovely?

Marcus is learning
the maracas.

Okay, you know,
I got so many questions,

but I guess I'll just go
with the usual.

Why?

Quick, quick, slow.

Show me your hip action.

You like
my hip action, Will?

Oh, I can't answer that,
Marcus,

in front of people
who could later testify.

Okay, Marcus,

tomorrow we'll go over
the 2:3 polyrhythm technique.

Isn't it wonderful?

He's doing a musical number
at his school fund-raiser.

So wonderful.

We all got to submit
our favorite songs.

And mine is
definitely gonna win,

because mine
is the only one

without the A word, the B word,
or the F word.

Thanks, Maureen.
Same time tomorrow.

Wait, you're paying her
to teach him the maracas?

For your information, sir,
the maracas

are a deceiving instrument
to play.

Okay, no disrespect,
but babies play them.

Yeah, no, you're thinking
of a rattle.

And you're thinking
that there's a difference.

Wait a minute here.

If people will pay
some freak show

to teach them
to play the maracas,

imagine what they'd pay to learn
how to play a cool instrument,

like the guitar.

Yeah, no offense,
of course.

[school bell rings]

Sorry, Maureen.
Mm, all right.

Knock 'em dead,
you handsome devil.

Wow, he is handsome.

Oh, uh, hi.
No, I was just--

Admiring a picture
of yourself.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

[both laugh]

- I'm Will.
- Emma.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

- So are--are you any good?
- Come again?

- The guitar.
- Ah.

Are you any good?

I'm looking for someone
to teach my daughter.

- Daughter?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, cool.

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Great.

Does tonight work?
Maybe...

5:30?

That sounds really good.

Let me get you one of these.

Maybe get that laminated.

Right.
Will do.

I can't believe you have
a middle schooler.

You look very--very young.

Thank you.
I do.

And if I didn't have a kid
at this school,

it'd be kind of weird
if I was just hanging out.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that would be totally...
totally weird.

(Dennen)
Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid
(That's My Dog)]

[cheers and applause]

D en strum E minor.

- [playing chord]
- There you go!

You learn those four chords,
you can tour Europe.

Just ask Matchbox Twenty.

Cool.

- I'm going to Grace's.
- Okay.

- Thanks, Mr. Will.
- You got it.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye.

"Mr. Will."
That's pretty cute.

You're really great
with her.

I'm glad the divorce didn't
leave her hating all men.

Divorce?
I'm sorry to hear that.

Please, don't be.

I caught Tessa's dad
with our housekeeper.

Ooh.

I got the house, the Bimmer,
and half of everything.

- And he got scabies.
- Yikes.

You know, um...

Would you like to have
a glass of wine?

It's expensive.

[pop music]

[laughing]
That was good.

(women)

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hello, Joanne...
- Hey.

- Julia, Rachel.
- Hi.

It's Fiona, um,
in case you forgot.

We know your name.

Do you?
'Cause I'm never quite sure.

And we certainly know
this wonderful man you're with.

Mr. Chris,
you are a dream

for agreeing to emcee
our fund-raiser.

Oh, it's my pleasure,
honestly.

No, you have no idea
how grateful we are.

- No idea.
- Just so--

Yeah, yeah, no, he knows,
he knows, he knows.

Thank you.
Thanks, thanks.

Well, speaking
of the fund-raiser,

we're getting together
for a planning meeting tonight.

We'd love for you
to join us, Fiona.

Me?
Are you--

With you?
Uh, really?

[chuckles]
Um...

Actually, I have quite a lot
on my figurative plate.

And I-I-I--
No.

Thanks.
No.

Maybe some other time.

[sighs]

What just happened
to you?

- What?
- What?

I think I handled
that splendidly.

Yeah, I think that as soon as
those moms showed up,

you turned into somebody
totally different--

guarded and suspicious.

No, no, no, no.
They are gossipy mean girls.

That's what they are.

They are exactly
the kind of women

that tormented me
in middle school.

And they're only
being nice to me

because I am dating
the hot teacher.

Calling me
"the hot teacher"

makes me feel
like a piece of meat.

And I really like it.

You have to understand that
there are two types of girls.

There are the girls who judge
and the girls who are judged.

Any mistake, any flaw

gets put under
the mean-girl microscope.

I can't imagine you
having any flaw.

Yeah, well, I was 5'10"
when I was 13.

Statuesque.

And I had
very thick glasses...

Intelligent.

And a bulky back brace.

This is getting harder.

Listen, you're not
in middle school anymore.

Go to that meeting tonight
and show them the Fiona

you are today.

Maybe if you embrace
some of their ideas,

they'll embrace yours,

giving birth
to a wonderful new friendship.

Come here.
Mm.

Hmm.

Yeah, you still do have a little
curve there, don't you?

- Yeah, it's my bump.
- I love your bump.

You know, if this guitar-lesson
thing doesn't work out,

I know something else
you're pretty good at.

You think? Yeah, well,
you're not so bad yourself.

[chuckles]
Oh...

For Tessa's lesson.

You think you can
do it again tomorrow?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

Tomorrow works,
but this is a lot of--

- Great.
- All right.

- I'll see you then.
- Okay.

Ooh!

She gave you this much money
for giving her kid

a guitar lesson.

Does she not understand
how the system

of American currency works?

I guess she--I don't know--
thinks I'm worth it.

After all, I am
a celebrity recording artist.

[Cuban Pete playing]

It doesn't make any sense.

[coughs]

What's going on
with your hair?

Huh?

You have sex hair.

And you're drinking a postcoital
restorative beverage.

You had sex with that woman.

- This is payment for sex.
- What?

You are
a male prostitute.

Whoa!

What's wrong with you?
Give me that.

- Look, okay, yes.
- Uh-huh.

I did have sex with her,

but that is not
what I was paid for.

- Mm-mm.
- It's unbelievable.

You get to have sex
with any woman that you want,

and now you're gonna get paid
for it.

Again, I was not paid
for sex.

By the way,
that's low for a ho.

I was not paid
for sex, okay?

- Can we just drop it?
- Prove it.

Go back and give the kid
a guitar lesson.

Do not have sex
with the mother.

If she pays you the same amount,
then I apologize.

I stand corrected.

Okay.

I won't have sex with her.

Good.

I hope you appreciate
the things I do for you.

[laughter]

Fiona, that necklace
is so striking.

I don't think I've ever seen
one quite like it.

It's actually not
a necklace.

It's an Indonesian
menstrual chart.

And each bead represents
a cycle in--

Don't worry.
It's boring, sorry.

Are you kidding? You're the
most interesting person here.

- No offense, everybody.
- None taken.

The closest I've been
to Indonesia

is ordering a chai latte
at Starbucks.

[laughter]

That's actually from India,
but I totally get what you mean.

We're so glad you came.

Next time we need to hear more
about your time in England.

And your other
menses jewelry.

Next time?
Okay.

Okay, so getting down to
a little fund-raiser business,

we do need to pick
the seventh-grade class song.

And, listen, nobody loves

their Bey, Jay, and Kanye
more than me,

but I think those
are for private minivan jams.

Of course,
we can't let them sing

any of the offensive songs
our kids suggested.

- No.
- There was one

non-offensive song that
I think a student suggested.

It was Cuban Pete.

I think everyone was under the
impression that that was a joke.

I mean, wasn't it?

I don't know.

Because I think doing
something so peculiar,

it might lead
to bullying.

- So true.
- Social suicide.

Yeah, land mine.

You know what? I'd never thought
about it like that,

but, I mean, that is
quite a good point, isn't it?

What if we pick something
a little bit more fun

and contemporary?

Ooh! What about that
Sara Bareilles song, Brave?

I love that song.
So catchy!

(Fiona)
Well done, you!

- Hey.
- Oh, no!

Oh, Tessa's lesson!

Um, I was--
I totally forgot.

I--She's at her dad's place
for the night.

Why don't--
I'll just come back tomorrow.

Oh, perfect.
Thank you.

- I'm so sorry.
- Okay.

Yeah, no.
No worries.

You know, since you're here
and Tessa's not,

maybe you'd like to come in
for a glass of wine.

And by wine,
do you mean--

Forget the wine.

Mm. Okay.

Wait.
Hold on a second.

Just to be clear,

there's definitely not gonna be
a guitar lesson?

Will, your guitar
is not the instrument

I'm interested in.

- I see.
- Mm-hmm.

[squeals]

- Let's go upstairs, huh?
- Oh, I like your style.

Which one of these hats do you
like for Cuban Pete?

You know, my gut says
the porkpie hat,

because the fedora
has been tragically co-opted

by the unshaven
hipster crowd.

Darling,
can I have a word?

Will you sit down?

So, um...

your class won't be performing
Cuban Pete tomorrow night.

What? Why?

You know I appreciate

how you both literally
and figuratively dance

to the beat
of your own drum.

But there are some people
who might think

that a group
of 12-year-olds dancing

to a 60-year-old rumba song
is a bit odd.

Odd?

It's the rumba,
not the friggin' foxtrot.

I know, but sometimes
we have to embrace the ideas

of other people
in order to fit in.

But what about
our family motto?

"We don't fit in..."

(both)
"We fit out."

I know, but sometimes you have
to try to fit in a bit.

You know?

Fine.

I'll do any song they want.

And I'll march off the cliff
with all the other lemmings.

And just to be clear,
the lemming/cliff thing

is just hyperbole and not any
indication that I may self-harm.

Okay, good.

[sighs]
Thank you again.

Thank you.

And I'm really sorry
about the mix-up.

Oh, I'm sorry
about the lamp.

Things got a little wild there
at the end.

[laughs]
I always hated that lamp.

Oh, I almost forgot.

[grunts]

All right.

What is that?
I--

I definitely did not give Tessa
a guitar lesson.

Right, but I should have
cancelled.

It's kind of standard procedure
that a teacher get paid

when a client doesn't cancel
within 24 hours, so...

Oh, well, I feel weird
about taking this.

Oh, please.
I have to pay you for your time.

Uh, okay.

Let me get this straight.

You did not give the daughter
a guitar lesson.

But you did have sex
with the mom.

- Mm-hmm.
- And you got paid for it.

- Mm-hmm.
- How is this unclear?

You're a prostitute.

A two-bit hussy.
A Pretty Woman, if you will.

What are you doing?

Proving you wrong.

I am gonna ask Emma
out on a date.

Prostitutes
don't ask women out.

And they don't pay
for dates, right?

So, if she says yes,
I'm right.

[line trilling]
- Big mistake.

- Big. Huge.
- Shh.

Pretty Woman reference.

Watch this.

Hello?

Hi, Emma.
It's Will Freeman.

Listen, I was wondering if you
wanted to go out tomorrow night.

Dinner, maybe a movie?

Oh, I'd like that.

Great.

Oh, actually, you know what?
I can't.

I have this school fund-raiser
thing tomorrow night.

Unless you'd like
to join me?

That sounds like a fun date.

Awesome. And it's
kind of a formal event,

so do you have a tux?

You can be my escort.

Your what, now?

Oh, you know,
I just had such a great idea.

There's this bachelor auction
at the event,

and I bet people would pay
big money for you.

Will you do it?

Will I dress up in a tuxedo,
go up onstage,

and be bid on by women
on our date?

Uh, sure.

Great.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

[deep voice] Want me to go
with you and make sure she pays?

[normal voice]
That's what a pimp would say.

[chuckles]
That's a pretty good pimp.

Thanks.

This is a fun date.
I've been on a lot of dates.

This is the best date
in a long, long time.

- Let's get a drink,
- Yeah, I'd love that.

All right, here we go.
Got my wallet.

Oh, no, no, why don't
you let me pay--

You're not paying
for anything.

You've already paid
for the limousine,

which was surprising.

And then you paid
for these cufflinks,

which was a little bit weird.

But I can't let you pay
for everything.

No, I'm not paying
for everything.

Mr. O'Connor is.

Can I get two red wines,
please.

I don't even like red wine.

Oh, excuse me
for just a second, okay?

- Yeah, all right.
- I'll be right back.

All right, great.

Was that your John?

You stop it right now.

Honestly, she's paying
for everything.

She's ordering for me.
I got to drink red wine now.

The whole thing
is messing me up.

Honestly, I think
maybe I am a prostitute.

Because you are.

That's what I've been saying
this entire time.

You stop it right now!

Let's just think
through this thing, okay?

Maybe it's not such a bad idea,
all right?

I'm looking for a job.

Sex is something I have 20 years
experience with.

- 20? Really?
- Yeah.

You know, I think
I'd probably have to get

a few more
deep v-necks going.

- Bronzer.
- Frost my tips.

Those hats in the summer,
those ski caps.

Just get the body spray going
all day, all over the place.

Definitely work on your pecs.
That's what you need help with.

What?

I don't know, man.

Getting paid for sex,

it's like, what else
am I capable of?

I won't even--I don't even know
who I am anymore.

- Mr. O'Connor?
- That's me, thank you.

[sighs]

[new wave music]

Um, why is everybody
looking at us?

Is my skirt tucked
into my knickers?

No, you're good.

Fiona, I'm loving
the hair and that dress.

Thank you.

Of course, you can wear
a column with your legs.

I could never pull it off
with these tree stumps.

Oh, no, don't say that
about yourself.

We all want what
we don't have, right?

I always say,
"Compare and despair."

And by what we don't have,
I mean Mr. Chris.

We all want him,
and you got him, you bitch.

[laughter]

Oh.
[chuckles nervously]

Yeah, no, I saw him first,
you bitch.

[all gasp and laugh]

God, I don't mean that
in the offensive way, obviously.

I just mean,
like, bitch!

It's actually
quite fun to say.

Bitch!
I can't stop.

[laughing]
Oh, my God.

Hold on.
I'll be right back.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, you-

(all) Hello.
- Hi, hi, hi. Hi.

Oy, what are you
doing here?

Funny story, he's trying
to prove he's not a pros--

I am on a date,

just a date
with a lady friend, Emma.

There's nothing odd

or potentially illegal
going on here.

Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I need to auction Will off now.

(Emma)
This way.

Don't worry.
I got your back.

Bottoms up, Andy.

Wait. I thought
he wasn't drinking

in solidarity with you.
You know...

My hormones are raging
right now.

Oh.

Andy gets handsy
when he drinks,

and honestly, Fiona,
mama needs handsy.

- Yes.
- Real bad.

And a hearty muchos gracias
to Chef Rodriguez.

Thank you, chef.

Okay, next up,
we have a package

of five guitar lessons
given by Will Freeman.

Let's start
the bidding at $50.

$100.

$100.

Where did Emma find
that little boy toy?

He teaches her daughter
guitar.

"Guitar."

Oh, God, are you serious?

That is just sad.

I don't think
we should assume.

(Chris)
Do I hear 200? $200?

$200.

(Chris)
$200 from the lady in red.

Could she be
any more desperate?

Painful.

Someone text me
when it's over.

Well, you know, all the money's
going to the kids, isn't it?

It's good.

I've got $300.
I'm looking for $400.

$400 for this tall drink
of water.

I've got $400.

Do I hear 500?
$500?

$2,000.

[crowd gasps]

Sold.

Oh.

I'm a celebrity
recording artist.

Oh, my God.
I'm a male hooker.

All right, let's hear it

for the seventh-grade class,
singing Brave.

[applause]

all:

Unbelievable.
$2,000?

- That's a lot of money.
- And for what?

You know what?
I-I got to say something to her.

This has got to stop.
It's gone on too far, right?

I mean,
I got some integrity.

- Yeah.
- Can I get a beer?

You can put that
on Mr. O'Connor.

(Rachel)
Poor thing.

I mean, first
her husband leaves her.

Then she's reduced to buying
herself a prostitute?

I heard she spent
a fortune renovating

her downstairs bedroom,
if you know what I mean.

She should do her upstairs.

- I mean the boobs.
(both) Oh.

It's a little middle school
of you all, isn't it,

I mean, to be gossiping
about Emma like that?

Well, duh,
we're in middle school.

[laughter]

Do you have any idea what it
actually feels like to be her?

What it feels like to be
a leper?

To be too tall
or too strange

or, God forbid,
too slutty to belong?

I do.

Not the slutty part,
but more the other two.

But, anyway, you've done me
an enormous favor,

because I always wanted to know
what it felt like

to be on the inside
of the popular group.

And now that I know, I have
absolutely no interest in it.

Oh, and another thing--

the man that she bought,
he's not a prostitute.

He's my neighbor, Will.

And he would never,
ever sell himself for sex.

(all)

- Emma...
[music stops]

I'm not having sex
with you for money anymore.

[all gasping]

Oh, he said it.

Excuse me?

[applause]

I am not a prostitute.

[scoffs]
I was not paying you for sex.

I mean, I might have been
overpaying you

for guitar lessons,
but that's just because

I look for opportunities
to spend my ex-husband's money.

Well, then how do you
explain the sex?

- I liked you.
[crowd gasping]

Jerk!

[women snickering]

This was a night
to remember.

[exhales deeply]

Darling, I was wrong...

about asking you
to follow the lemmings.

It is important to be part
of a community.

But a community is made up
of individuals--

unique, funny, lovely,
brilliant,

rumba-loving individuals.

And if you're still up for it,

I, for one, would love
to see you perform Cuban Pete.

Yes!

[Cuban Pete playing]

(Desi Arnaz)

Just out of curiosity,
how much for your guitar lesson?

One lesson then we'll talk.

I'm gonna pass.

But also thank you.

There you go.

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