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1
00:00:03,540 --> 00:00:06,157
Hey, guys.
My manager has a new greeting
2
00:00:06,158 --> 00:00:08,497
that he wants us to say, so...
3
00:00:08,498 --> 00:00:10,287
"Hello. Welcome to Langford's.
4
00:00:10,288 --> 00:00:12,287
"If anyone here is a health inspector,
5
00:00:12,288 --> 00:00:14,298
you are required by law to tell us."
6
00:00:15,578 --> 00:00:17,787
Anyone? No?
7
00:00:17,788 --> 00:00:18,928
Don't order the chili.
8
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:21,747
Oh, God, look who's here.
9
00:00:21,748 --> 00:00:22,577
EISEN: Hey!
10
00:00:22,578 --> 00:00:24,077
Oscar Madison.
11
00:00:24,078 --> 00:00:25,997
Rich Eisen. Would you care
12
00:00:25,998 --> 00:00:27,747
to join us? We were just sitting here,
13
00:00:27,748 --> 00:00:29,747
enjoying our full heads of hair.
14
00:00:29,748 --> 00:00:32,747
Nope. I just came down to
show you something outside.
15
00:00:32,748 --> 00:00:35,367
Come on. Take a look.
16
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,407
Hurry now.
17
00:00:37,408 --> 00:00:38,827
TEDDY: "Rich Eisen,
18
00:00:38,828 --> 00:00:41,577
number one-rated
satellite sports show."
19
00:00:41,578 --> 00:00:44,657
I also wanted it to say, "Oscar
Madison is number two. Suck it,"
20
00:00:44,658 --> 00:00:46,957
but there wasn't enough space.
21
00:00:46,958 --> 00:00:51,617
Really? Looks like there's
plenty of room on your forehead.
22
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,907
Just so you know, uh,
that ad can also be seen
23
00:00:53,908 --> 00:00:56,197
on buses that drive by
your apartment, your gym,
24
00:00:56,198 --> 00:00:57,957
and your mom's house.
25
00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,037
How do you know where my mom lives?
26
00:01:00,038 --> 00:01:01,157
It's where we have sex.
27
00:01:01,158 --> 00:01:03,037
(chuckles)
28
00:01:03,038 --> 00:01:05,117
Crossing a line, Eisen.
29
00:01:05,118 --> 00:01:07,657
I should go. This number one
should take a pre-show shower
30
00:01:07,658 --> 00:01:10,468
to wash off the stench
of all this number two.
31
00:01:11,748 --> 00:01:12,957
Yeah, that didn't sound right.
32
00:01:12,958 --> 00:01:15,997
All right, emergency staff meeting.
33
00:01:15,998 --> 00:01:17,861
- This just became a business lunch.
- (groans)
34
00:01:17,862 --> 00:01:18,513
Seriously?
35
00:01:18,514 --> 00:01:19,657
Which means I'm paying.
36
00:01:19,658 --> 00:01:21,078
- Oh, that's fine by me.
- Let's get down to business.
37
00:01:21,079 --> 00:01:22,622
We need to do something to beat Eisen.
38
00:01:22,623 --> 00:01:23,867
You know, shake things up.
39
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:25,537
Well, people do like funny characters.
40
00:01:25,538 --> 00:01:28,117
We're not bringing back
Señor Touchdown.
41
00:01:28,118 --> 00:01:30,787
You sure? (Mexican accent):
"It's a fumble."
42
00:01:30,788 --> 00:01:33,537
How about a remote broadcast?
Like from a sports bar.
43
00:01:33,538 --> 00:01:34,788
We could do it here.
44
00:01:34,789 --> 00:01:36,037
That's not a bad idea.
45
00:01:36,038 --> 00:01:37,787
Yeah, you're great at mixing
it up with the callers.
46
00:01:37,788 --> 00:01:39,697
Doing it face-to-face
might even be better.
47
00:01:39,698 --> 00:01:41,037
That's what I told Eisen's mom.
48
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Which...
49
00:01:42,038 --> 00:01:43,141
would've been a better burn
50
00:01:43,142 --> 00:01:44,537
if he was here.
51
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,407
Well, let me set it up.
52
00:01:46,408 --> 00:01:48,407
You'll be beating Eisen in no time.
53
00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:50,368
Can you believe the nerve
of that guy, coming down
54
00:01:50,369 --> 00:01:51,538
to Langford's to taunt me?
55
00:01:51,539 --> 00:01:53,718
- I mean, Langford's is my house.
- Right.
56
00:01:54,998 --> 00:01:56,577
Hey.
57
00:01:56,578 --> 00:01:57,577
Oh.
58
00:01:57,578 --> 00:01:59,367
Oh, come on!
59
00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:01,468
♪ ♪
60
00:02:14,078 --> 00:02:19,457
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
61
00:02:19,458 --> 00:02:22,407
CALLER: I'm just saying, you can
never count the Red Sox out!
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00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:24,371
Oh, please. The Sox haven't had a player
63
00:02:24,372 --> 00:02:27,120
with anything between his
legs since Bill Buckner.
64
00:02:27,121 --> 00:02:28,871
- CALLER: Geez, Madison...
- (laughter)
65
00:02:28,872 --> 00:02:30,535
why do you have such
a problem with the...
66
00:02:30,536 --> 00:02:31,989
Now, that's enough out of you.
67
00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:34,109
Strike three! You're outta here!
68
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:35,569
(whooping)
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00:02:35,570 --> 00:02:37,569
Coming up next, we'll talk baseball
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00:02:37,570 --> 00:02:40,569
with former Met and good friend,
Marcus Murphy.
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00:02:40,570 --> 00:02:43,319
But first... "Did you know
72
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,989
"that one out of four men
73
00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:48,449
suffers from erectile dysfunction?"
74
00:02:48,450 --> 00:02:51,109
Emily, wonderful news.
75
00:02:51,110 --> 00:02:52,699
My weekend photo shoot is canceled,
76
00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:54,449
which means you are cordially invited
77
00:02:54,450 --> 00:02:57,199
to 48 hours of sexy fun.
78
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,279
I hear that Felix the
Great might be in town,
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00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,739
using his magic wand to make
your underpants disappear.
80
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:03,489
Cool.
81
00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:05,609
Perhaps you'd prefer
my other stage name,
82
00:03:05,610 --> 00:03:07,550
David Cop-a-feel.
83
00:03:08,490 --> 00:03:10,199
I'm sorry,
84
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,699
I'm distracted.
85
00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:13,580
I just spent an hour
pawing through the garbage,
86
00:03:13,581 --> 00:03:14,964
looking for a customer's dentures.
87
00:03:14,965 --> 00:03:17,014
The pair I found? Not hers.
88
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,369
Look, Emily, I know that
this is not your ideal job,
89
00:03:21,370 --> 00:03:23,651
but you're just doing this to
support your jewelry making.
90
00:03:23,652 --> 00:03:25,875
You're pursuing your dream,
and I think that's glorious.
91
00:03:25,876 --> 00:03:28,609
Thank you. I needed that.
92
00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:30,699
And I'm really looking
forward to this weekend.
93
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:32,083
I just need to pop out on Saturday
94
00:03:32,084 --> 00:03:33,489
to have lunch with my mom.
95
00:03:33,490 --> 00:03:35,699
Your mother's in town?
Why didn't you tell me?
96
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,529
You said that you were
going to be busy.
97
00:03:37,530 --> 00:03:39,109
And besides, isn't it too early
98
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,609
for you to meet my mother?
99
00:03:40,610 --> 00:03:42,199
No, I would love to meet your mother.
100
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,739
And I'm sure she'll like me, too.
101
00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:45,670
I bet she will be a real MILF.
102
00:03:47,110 --> 00:03:48,320
Mother In Love with Felix.
103
00:03:48,321 --> 00:03:49,529
(laughs)
104
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,609
Okay, then. I will tell her
105
00:03:51,610 --> 00:03:53,433
that she will be meeting
my perfect boyfriend.
106
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,819
Oh, please, don't
describe me as perfect.
107
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:57,449
Let her find out for herself.
108
00:03:57,450 --> 00:03:59,409
(laughs)
109
00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:01,159
And we're back with
The Oscar Madison Show,
110
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,029
coming to you live
111
00:04:03,030 --> 00:04:04,773
from Langford's sports
bar in New York City.
112
00:04:04,774 --> 00:04:06,159
(cheering)
113
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,260
Sports, sports, sports!
114
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:11,003
Before I bring out my first guest,
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00:04:11,004 --> 00:04:12,489
how about a question from the crowd?
116
00:04:12,490 --> 00:04:14,949
(Boston accent): Uh, yeah,
uh, I didn't take too kindly
117
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,609
to what you were saying
about my Red Sox.
118
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,029
Oh, look, everybody:
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00:04:18,030 --> 00:04:20,029
a Boston fan who's standing upright.
120
00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:22,529
(laughter)
121
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:23,949
That wasn't a question, pal.
122
00:04:23,950 --> 00:04:25,699
Okay, here's one:
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00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,489
which part of your face
you want me to break,
124
00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:28,529
your nose or your nose?
125
00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:31,279
Oh, I see what we need here.
126
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,659
A translator.
127
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:34,529
Does anybody here speak Idiot?
128
00:04:34,530 --> 00:04:37,069
(laughter)
129
00:04:37,070 --> 00:04:40,489
It's a very specific dialect
from the region of Duh.
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00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:43,109
(laughter)
131
00:04:43,110 --> 00:04:44,739
Screw you, Madison!
132
00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:46,670
Strike three, you're outta here!
133
00:04:49,110 --> 00:04:50,869
I said "strike three." Strike three!
134
00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:52,069
Strike three! Strike three!
135
00:04:52,070 --> 00:04:53,779
(audience exclaiming)
136
00:04:53,780 --> 00:04:55,779
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
137
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:58,163
Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on, pal,
let's go, let's go, come on.
138
00:04:58,164 --> 00:04:59,747
Yes, that's right, you get out of here!
139
00:04:59,748 --> 00:05:01,739
Before I introduce you to the violence
140
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:03,710
that is Jivamukti Yoga.
141
00:05:05,910 --> 00:05:06,973
Hey, buddy. You all right?
142
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,199
Let me help you up.
143
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,739
Ow, ow, my neck!
144
00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:11,739
How many people was that guy?
145
00:05:11,740 --> 00:05:13,659
All right, Dani,
we can't have dead air.
146
00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:15,239
Grab the mic and keep the show going.
147
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,659
What? Me? What do I say?
148
00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:18,869
Anything that gets us to the
next boner pill commercial.
149
00:05:18,870 --> 00:05:20,199
Just go. Go!
150
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,029
Okay, I'll try.
151
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,319
Uh, hello... hello.
152
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,199
I-I am Dani Duncan.
153
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,319
Um, for those of you listening,
we just had a little scuffle.
154
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:30,909
That punk-ass Red Sox fan came at Oscar
155
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:32,819
and shoved him to the ground.
156
00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:35,869
Got the air knocked out of him
like a Tom Brady football.
157
00:05:35,870 --> 00:05:37,489
(laughter)
158
00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,489
Oh! Let's take a caller.
159
00:05:39,490 --> 00:05:41,659
Hey, Maxine from Cleveland,
what do you say, girl?
160
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:42,989
♪ ♪
161
00:05:42,990 --> 00:05:45,090
(computer chimes)
162
00:05:45,990 --> 00:05:48,109
Ugh.
163
00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:49,699
Hi, Mom.
164
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,659
Hello, Emily, it's your mother.
165
00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:53,239
Can you see me?
166
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,529
Yes.
167
00:05:54,530 --> 00:05:56,319
Can you hear me?
168
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,383
That's how I was able to
answer your first question.
169
00:05:58,384 --> 00:05:59,779
Oh, good.
170
00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:02,109
Isn't this fun? It's like Star Wars.
171
00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:04,949
Anyway, I'm just making sure
that we're still on for lunch.
172
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:06,529
Yes, we are.
173
00:06:06,530 --> 00:06:09,029
And actually,
I will be bringing Felix...
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00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:11,029
my new boyfriend.
175
00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:12,819
A new boyfriend, how nice.
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00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:14,949
I just hope he doesn't
turn out to be gay
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00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:16,550
like your ex-husband.
178
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:20,159
(singsongy): Fingers crossed.
179
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,739
Have you heard from your sister?
180
00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:22,949
Yeah, she sent me a postcard.
181
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,739
I'm so glad you two are close.
182
00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:28,699
It can't be easy having a
sister who's a swimsuit model.
183
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,609
Hey, why don't I get
that to show it to you?
184
00:06:30,610 --> 00:06:33,420
It's right next to my anti-anxiety meds.
185
00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,569
Emily...
186
00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:39,869
Felix the Great has arrived!
187
00:06:39,870 --> 00:06:43,779
And he's here to magically
remove your "abracada-bra."
188
00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:47,470
With the help of his
trusty assistant Guillermo.
189
00:06:50,459 --> 00:06:51,659
You must be the new boyfriend.
190
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:53,869
(screams)
191
00:06:53,870 --> 00:06:55,489
(screams)
192
00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:56,990
- Was that your mother?
- Yes!
193
00:06:56,991 --> 00:06:58,934
Why didn't you tell me
you were Skyping with her?
194
00:06:58,935 --> 00:07:00,699
You knew that Felix the
Great was in town!
195
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,739
He was going to magically
transform one orgasm into two!
196
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,952
- JUDY: I can still hear you.
- (both scream)
197
00:07:05,953 --> 00:07:08,779
Oh, she's going to be so upset!
198
00:07:08,780 --> 00:07:09,869
Oh, she's upset?
199
00:07:09,870 --> 00:07:11,340
Imagine how the rabbit feels!
200
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:23,350
OSCAR: Dani...
201
00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:26,331
I just spilled and my neck
won't let me wipe it up.
202
00:07:27,351 --> 00:07:28,730
Fine.
203
00:07:28,731 --> 00:07:30,074
But this better be the only thing
204
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,480
you ask me to wipe today.
205
00:07:31,481 --> 00:07:34,187
There he is! The man
a focus group called
206
00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:35,596
"passionate," "informed"
207
00:07:35,597 --> 00:07:37,346
and "cowardly but in a funny way."
208
00:07:37,347 --> 00:07:38,976
What are you talking about?
209
00:07:38,977 --> 00:07:40,520
The satellite channel did some testing
210
00:07:40,521 --> 00:07:42,267
- on your remote broadcast.
- And?
211
00:07:42,268 --> 00:07:43,811
And people couldn't get enough of you.
212
00:07:43,812 --> 00:07:45,426
And frankly, I'm not surprised.
213
00:07:45,427 --> 00:07:48,476
I've always said that you are
a once-in-a-lifetime talent.
214
00:07:48,477 --> 00:07:50,226
Why are you buttering me up?
215
00:07:50,227 --> 00:07:52,477
Oh, come on.
I'm not buttering you up...
216
00:07:52,478 --> 00:07:54,806
you handsome bastard.
217
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:57,476
Okay, fine.
218
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,266
They really did love you.
219
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:00,596
But they also loved Dani.
220
00:08:00,597 --> 00:08:01,886
Wow, you're not kidding.
221
00:08:01,887 --> 00:08:03,426
Look what they said about her.
222
00:08:03,427 --> 00:08:05,806
"Fun," "spunky," "a welcome
addition to the show."
223
00:08:05,807 --> 00:08:07,476
Yeah, and that got me thinking...
224
00:08:07,477 --> 00:08:09,726
maybe you should make her
an addition to your show.
225
00:08:09,727 --> 00:08:11,766
What? I'm a solo act.
226
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,186
A lone wolf, if you will.
227
00:08:13,187 --> 00:08:14,707
Okay, you can give her something small.
228
00:08:14,708 --> 00:08:16,731
Like, let her do the scores
at the top of the hour.
229
00:08:16,732 --> 00:08:18,186
But I'm great at doing the scores!
230
00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:20,386
"Three to two." "Six to five." See?
231
00:08:20,387 --> 00:08:22,096
Okay, but Dani might give you
232
00:08:22,097 --> 00:08:23,686
that extra boost you
need to beat Eisen.
233
00:08:23,687 --> 00:08:25,886
Plus, she could free
you up a few minutes
234
00:08:25,887 --> 00:08:28,016
so you could take a donut break.
235
00:08:28,017 --> 00:08:30,016
Well, I do like donuts.
236
00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:32,306
Ah...
237
00:08:32,307 --> 00:08:33,890
All right, sure, we'll give her a shot.
238
00:08:33,891 --> 00:08:35,729
- Great. Should we tell her?
- No need.
239
00:08:35,730 --> 00:08:37,516
Why not?
240
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,907
Because I was eavesdropping!
241
00:08:41,227 --> 00:08:43,226
Oscar, thank you so much!
242
00:08:43,227 --> 00:08:44,626
I've always wanted to be on radio!
243
00:08:44,627 --> 00:08:46,010
I promise I will not let you down.
244
00:08:46,011 --> 00:08:47,726
Don't mention it.
Did you get my coffee?
245
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:48,846
I don't have time for that.
246
00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:49,926
I got to practice.
247
00:08:49,927 --> 00:08:51,846
Seven to one.
248
00:08:51,847 --> 00:08:53,596
Eight to four.
249
00:08:53,597 --> 00:08:54,926
Three to two.
250
00:08:54,927 --> 00:08:56,617
Ooh, that was a close one.
251
00:08:58,427 --> 00:09:01,136
Hey. Hypothetical question.
252
00:09:01,137 --> 00:09:02,726
You are a woman who has just seen
253
00:09:02,727 --> 00:09:04,577
your daughter's boyfriend naked.
254
00:09:05,977 --> 00:09:07,426
Which suit best erases the image
255
00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:08,827
of said boyfriend's junk?
256
00:09:11,637 --> 00:09:12,926
Okay.
257
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,266
I'm going to tell you something,
258
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:16,016
but before I do,
259
00:09:16,017 --> 00:09:17,926
I want you to know that I
care about you deeply.
260
00:09:17,927 --> 00:09:20,516
Can we speed this up? 'Cause I
still have to do a salt scrub.
261
00:09:20,517 --> 00:09:23,476
My mother does not want
to have lunch with you.
262
00:09:23,477 --> 00:09:24,806
Oh!
263
00:09:24,807 --> 00:09:26,346
No. Wow.
264
00:09:26,347 --> 00:09:27,730
She really is going to be so upset
265
00:09:27,731 --> 00:09:28,886
about such a little thing?
266
00:09:28,887 --> 00:09:30,350
Such a perfectly-proportioned thing?
267
00:09:30,351 --> 00:09:31,726
In fact, she thinks
268
00:09:31,727 --> 00:09:33,516
you're kind of a sex pervert.
269
00:09:33,517 --> 00:09:35,096
Okay...
270
00:09:35,097 --> 00:09:37,447
I'm trying to think what
other kind of pervert there is.
271
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:41,476
She said that you ruined magic for her.
272
00:09:41,477 --> 00:09:43,056
And formal wear.
273
00:09:43,057 --> 00:09:44,447
Mm-hmm.
274
00:09:45,847 --> 00:09:47,367
And pigs in a blanket.
275
00:09:49,097 --> 00:09:51,306
That's fine. I just, I won't go.
276
00:09:51,307 --> 00:09:53,346
No, sweetie, I... I want you there.
277
00:09:53,347 --> 00:09:54,850
It's just that you don't know my mom.
278
00:09:54,851 --> 00:09:56,306
It's so much easier
279
00:09:56,307 --> 00:09:57,970
if we just let this
whole thing blow over.
280
00:09:57,971 --> 00:09:58,983
It's, it's just frustrating.
281
00:09:58,984 --> 00:10:00,435
I mean, how is she ever
going to appreciate
282
00:10:00,436 --> 00:10:01,926
the breadth and scope of who I am
283
00:10:01,927 --> 00:10:03,430
if she's only seen a tiny part of me?
284
00:10:03,431 --> 00:10:04,531
D4mn 1t, I d1d 1t again!
285
00:10:05,977 --> 00:10:08,306
Then I decided to take
matters into my own hands.
286
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:10,386
So I grabbed my wood
287
00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:12,806
and jerked one into the seats.
288
00:10:12,807 --> 00:10:15,426
If you're just joining us,
289
00:10:15,427 --> 00:10:17,577
that story was about baseball.
290
00:10:19,057 --> 00:10:20,440
And now, let's welcome Dani Duncan
291
00:10:20,441 --> 00:10:22,226
with the latest scores.
292
00:10:22,227 --> 00:10:24,186
Okay. Uh, thank you, Oscar.
293
00:10:24,187 --> 00:10:25,806
Only one day game today:
294
00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:28,346
the Mets beat the Marlins
four to zero behind Matt Harvey,
295
00:10:28,347 --> 00:10:29,976
who said he enjoyed his RBI double
296
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,720
almost as much as his
complete game shutout.
297
00:10:31,721 --> 00:10:33,016
OSCAR: Thank you, Dani.
298
00:10:33,017 --> 00:10:34,806
And, Matt, just in case
you're listening...
299
00:10:34,807 --> 00:10:37,350
since you like doubles so much,
why don't you swing by my place?
300
00:10:37,351 --> 00:10:40,016
You can get to second base as
soon as you walk in the door.
301
00:10:40,017 --> 00:10:42,556
Okay, thank you, Dani.
302
00:10:42,557 --> 00:10:44,556
(laughing)
303
00:10:44,557 --> 00:10:45,726
"Second base"... I get it.
304
00:10:45,727 --> 00:10:47,516
That's a good one, Dani.
305
00:10:47,517 --> 00:10:49,556
Thank you, Murph.
306
00:10:49,557 --> 00:10:51,660
And we got the Cubbies
going up against the Giants...
307
00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:53,636
Hey, Dani, did you
ever play any sports?
308
00:10:53,637 --> 00:10:55,152
Actually, I played
football in eighth grade.
309
00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:56,559
- No way.
- Yeah, the pants made
310
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:57,976
my butt look great, and I realized
311
00:10:57,977 --> 00:11:00,926
I really liked hitting people.
312
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,476
What's happening?
313
00:11:02,477 --> 00:11:03,980
Can someone tell me what's happening?
314
00:11:03,981 --> 00:11:05,016
Whoa, Dani.
315
00:11:05,017 --> 00:11:07,476
Remind me not to get on your bad side.
316
00:11:07,477 --> 00:11:09,346
Oh, Murph, I'd never
play rough with you.
317
00:11:09,347 --> 00:11:11,810
But if you scored a touchdown
on me, you'd want to go for two.
318
00:11:11,811 --> 00:11:12,532
You know I would.
319
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,527
I know you would!
320
00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:21,886
So, yeah, if it was up to me,
321
00:11:21,887 --> 00:11:23,346
I'd scrap the whole Winter Olympics.
322
00:11:23,347 --> 00:11:25,386
What is a luge anyway?
323
00:11:25,387 --> 00:11:27,476
Sounds like something
you cough up into a tissue.
324
00:11:27,477 --> 00:11:30,056
Thank you for your question, Steve.
325
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:31,386
Hey, thank you, Dani.
326
00:11:31,387 --> 00:11:33,056
You know, I'm a long-time listener,
327
00:11:33,057 --> 00:11:34,846
but you are truly a breath of fresh...
328
00:11:34,847 --> 00:11:36,346
And that's our show.
329
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:37,476
I guess we'll never know
330
00:11:37,477 --> 00:11:39,476
what she's a fresh breath of.
331
00:11:39,477 --> 00:11:40,636
Thanks for listening.
332
00:11:40,637 --> 00:11:41,766
I'm Oscar Madison...
333
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,516
And I'm Dani D. on the Threes.
334
00:11:44,517 --> 00:11:47,577
And this has been
The Oscar Madison Show.
335
00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:52,617
Air... she's a breath of fresh air.
336
00:11:54,137 --> 00:11:56,447
(chuckling)
337
00:12:00,977 --> 00:12:03,516
Is everything laminated?!
338
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:05,476
Okay, she pushed it a little hard.
339
00:12:05,477 --> 00:12:06,976
But she's gonna be great.
340
00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:08,766
Oh, we are never doing that again.
341
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:10,386
Oh, come on, Oscar.
342
00:12:10,387 --> 00:12:12,386
She's very entertaining.
343
00:12:12,387 --> 00:12:15,136
And I'm sure we can get her
to tone it down a little.
344
00:12:15,137 --> 00:12:18,226
♪ Finally it has happened to me ♪
345
00:12:18,227 --> 00:12:20,186
♪ Right in front of my face ♪
346
00:12:20,187 --> 00:12:22,886
♪ My feelings can't describe it ♪
347
00:12:22,887 --> 00:12:24,686
♪ Finally. ♪
348
00:12:24,687 --> 00:12:25,767
(claps hands)
349
00:12:25,768 --> 00:12:26,846
Oh, oh!
350
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,476
Oscar, look at her.
351
00:12:28,477 --> 00:12:30,787
You should have her dance on your show.
352
00:12:32,557 --> 00:12:35,386
It's radio, Murph.
353
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:38,186
I'll get some drinks to celebrate.
354
00:12:38,187 --> 00:12:40,516
Oh, Oscar, that was so amazing!
355
00:12:40,517 --> 00:12:41,806
Thank you!
356
00:12:41,807 --> 00:12:43,476
Come on, this isn't a strip club.
357
00:12:43,477 --> 00:12:46,056
You can touch.
358
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:47,556
Is everything all right?
359
00:12:47,557 --> 00:12:49,886
Well...
360
00:12:49,887 --> 00:12:51,426
Oh, my gosh.
361
00:12:51,427 --> 00:12:52,686
Did I go too far in there?
362
00:12:52,687 --> 00:12:54,056
Did I talk too much? Did I ramble?
363
00:12:54,057 --> 00:12:55,096
I do tend to ramble.
364
00:12:55,097 --> 00:12:56,186
Did I ramble?
365
00:12:56,187 --> 00:12:57,662
Yeah, you kind of did.
366
00:12:57,663 --> 00:12:59,136
Oh.
367
00:12:59,137 --> 00:13:00,846
I am so sorry. It's-it's your show.
368
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:02,686
And if you ever, for one moment,
369
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:05,230
feel like it's not working out,
all you got to do is say, "Dani,
370
00:13:05,231 --> 00:13:07,581
I'm not feeling it,
and I want you off my show."
371
00:13:09,347 --> 00:13:11,886
Okay, Dani, I'm not feeling it,
and I want you...
372
00:13:11,887 --> 00:13:14,027
You son of a bitch!
373
00:13:15,517 --> 00:13:17,726
You weren't supposed to say that!
374
00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:20,226
You literally just told me to!
375
00:13:20,227 --> 00:13:23,136
What you were supposed to
say is "Great job, Dani.
376
00:13:23,137 --> 00:13:25,726
"You finally got your big break,
and you were good.
377
00:13:25,727 --> 00:13:27,686
"This is one of the
greatest days of your life,
378
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:29,710
I would never think of
yanking this away from you!"
379
00:13:29,711 --> 00:13:30,556
In Oscar's defense,
380
00:13:30,557 --> 00:13:32,136
that is a mouthful.
381
00:13:32,137 --> 00:13:33,726
I'm sorry, Dani.
382
00:13:33,727 --> 00:13:35,386
But there's a reason it's called
383
00:13:35,387 --> 00:13:37,556
The Oscar Madison Show...
384
00:13:37,557 --> 00:13:40,766
Sponsored by Erectia.
385
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,976
You know what,
you do what you got to do
386
00:13:42,977 --> 00:13:44,426
and I'm gonna do what I got to do.
387
00:13:44,427 --> 00:13:45,512
Dani...
388
00:13:45,513 --> 00:13:46,596
Good-bye, Oscar.
389
00:13:46,597 --> 00:13:48,806
This is Dani D., signing off for good!
390
00:13:48,807 --> 00:13:49,807
I didn't mean to...
391
00:13:49,808 --> 00:13:50,806
(door slams)
392
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:53,976
♪ Finally it has happened to me ♪
393
00:13:53,977 --> 00:13:54,846
♪ Right in... ♪
394
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:57,186
Where's Dani?
395
00:13:57,187 --> 00:13:59,487
She in the can?
396
00:14:06,906 --> 00:14:09,266
Sorry, one of the
waitresses didn't show
397
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:10,930
and my manager asked
if I could do a quick
398
00:14:10,931 --> 00:14:12,745
under-the-table gum scrape.
399
00:14:12,746 --> 00:14:15,785
Good news... found the dentures.
400
00:14:15,786 --> 00:14:18,035
No.
401
00:14:18,036 --> 00:14:21,615
I love watching my
waitress daughter in action.
402
00:14:21,616 --> 00:14:24,615
But I think it's a good time
to discuss your life plan.
403
00:14:24,616 --> 00:14:27,865
Yay, life plan talk.
404
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:29,115
Now, you know I love you,
405
00:14:29,116 --> 00:14:32,325
but is this really
where you want to be?
406
00:14:32,326 --> 00:14:34,825
I admit it's not the most
glamorous job in the world,
407
00:14:34,826 --> 00:14:38,205
but it's paying the bills
while I pursue my dream.
408
00:14:38,206 --> 00:14:39,535
Your jewelry thing?
409
00:14:39,536 --> 00:14:40,745
It's not a "thing."
410
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:41,745
It's a business.
411
00:14:41,746 --> 00:14:43,535
With a Web site.
412
00:14:43,536 --> 00:14:45,705
And a name.
413
00:14:45,706 --> 00:14:47,785
Blemily.
414
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:51,825
Bling by Emily.
415
00:14:51,826 --> 00:14:53,405
Darling, anyone can make a Web site
416
00:14:53,406 --> 00:14:55,865
and smush two words together.
417
00:14:55,866 --> 00:14:58,405
But do you really know
any jewelry designers
418
00:14:58,406 --> 00:14:59,905
who are making a living?
419
00:14:59,906 --> 00:15:01,995
Especially those who are late-bloomers?
420
00:15:01,996 --> 00:15:03,539
Can we get a bottle of wine over here?
421
00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:05,010
Any color. Just grab one.
422
00:15:06,866 --> 00:15:07,955
I'm your mother. I worry.
423
00:15:07,956 --> 00:15:10,165
You're constantly broke.
424
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:11,995
You're scraping chewing
gum for a living.
425
00:15:11,996 --> 00:15:13,615
You're dating a sex maniac...
426
00:15:13,616 --> 00:15:15,245
Okay, you know what?
427
00:15:15,246 --> 00:15:16,785
I do want you to meet Felix.
428
00:15:16,786 --> 00:15:18,405
So that you can see what it looks like
429
00:15:18,406 --> 00:15:19,995
when someone supports you
430
00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:22,346
and thinks that you're
doing pretty darn great.
431
00:15:23,246 --> 00:15:24,785
Can I borrow your phone?
432
00:15:24,786 --> 00:15:26,955
Because I haven't paid my bill,
433
00:15:26,956 --> 00:15:29,716
and my service has been
temporarily suspended.
434
00:15:30,666 --> 00:15:32,745
Good morning.
435
00:15:32,746 --> 00:15:34,096
It's 3:00 p.m., but okay.
436
00:15:36,576 --> 00:15:39,955
Make coffee.
437
00:15:39,956 --> 00:15:41,306
That's not how it works.
438
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:46,115
Make coffee.
439
00:15:46,116 --> 00:15:48,995
Why are you making coffee?
Where's Dani?
440
00:15:48,996 --> 00:15:50,499
I don't know. I haven't heard from her
441
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:51,785
since she stormed off yesterday.
442
00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:52,825
Well, have you reached out to her?
443
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:54,026
Why should I reach out to her?
444
00:15:54,027 --> 00:15:55,066
She's the one who quit.
445
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,995
Mm, Oscar, Oscar...
446
00:15:56,996 --> 00:15:59,165
Oh, don't give me the triple.
447
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,365
Oscar!
448
00:16:00,366 --> 00:16:02,865
Oh, you gave me the triple!
449
00:16:02,866 --> 00:16:04,615
Let me tell you a little story.
450
00:16:04,616 --> 00:16:07,075
A story that I like to call
"Oscar, the Lone Wolf."
451
00:16:07,076 --> 00:16:09,075
Oh, I think I left a
half a cup of coffee
452
00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:11,035
in the studio from last week.
453
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,575
Once upon a time,
454
00:16:12,576 --> 00:16:14,365
Oscar was married to
a beautiful she-wolf,
455
00:16:14,366 --> 00:16:15,366
and he was happy.
456
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,365
Leave me alone!
457
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:17,705
Then she divorced him,
and he cried and he cried,
458
00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:19,365
and he drank and he drank so much.
459
00:16:19,366 --> 00:16:22,665
Oh, Oscar tried to convince
himself that he was a lone wolf,
460
00:16:22,666 --> 00:16:25,426
but then his friend Dani the
Dingo left and he was sad again.
461
00:16:26,536 --> 00:16:29,575
Oh, that's not coffee anymore!
462
00:16:29,576 --> 00:16:32,075
But with the help of
a wise fox named Felix,
463
00:16:32,076 --> 00:16:33,785
he realized he wasn't a lone wolf.
464
00:16:33,786 --> 00:16:35,865
He was a lonely wolf.
465
00:16:35,866 --> 00:16:38,466
(howls)
466
00:16:39,826 --> 00:16:41,165
Okay, we're done here.
467
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,716
You can't run from the truth.
468
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,865
Oscar, I think you're
making a huge mistake.
469
00:16:48,866 --> 00:16:50,745
You should reach out to Dani.
470
00:16:50,746 --> 00:16:52,986
If the options are a show
with her or a life without her,
471
00:16:52,987 --> 00:16:54,486
well, I think the choice is clear.
472
00:16:54,487 --> 00:16:56,865
(phone buzzing)
473
00:16:56,866 --> 00:16:59,325
(gasps) Emily changed her mind.
474
00:16:59,326 --> 00:17:01,995
I know what you're doing, Felix.
475
00:17:01,996 --> 00:17:03,575
You're waiting me out.
476
00:17:03,576 --> 00:17:05,535
Well, I can stay in here
all night if I have to.
477
00:17:05,536 --> 00:17:07,165
Hey, look, there's a ham sandwich
478
00:17:07,166 --> 00:17:09,035
in this jacket pocket.
479
00:17:09,036 --> 00:17:11,806
(groans) That's not ham anymore.
480
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,325
Ah, good day.
481
00:17:18,326 --> 00:17:20,469
I am moments away from
meeting my sweetheart's mother,
482
00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,705
so I'm going to need
a country bouquet, uh,
483
00:17:22,706 --> 00:17:25,115
with a base of daffodils,
perhaps some white roses
484
00:17:25,116 --> 00:17:28,075
and maybe a whisper
of Belgian baby's breath.
485
00:17:28,076 --> 00:17:29,615
This is all we got.
486
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,346
(buzzing)
487
00:17:30,347 --> 00:17:31,075
Sold.
488
00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:33,115
Oh! Is that a bee?
489
00:17:33,116 --> 00:17:34,939
I'm actually, I'm actually
allergic to bees...
490
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,200
Aah, I'm hit!
491
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:40,955
Hey.
492
00:17:40,956 --> 00:17:43,405
Aren't you Oscar
Madison's little friend?
493
00:17:43,406 --> 00:17:45,865
Hello again.
494
00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:47,075
Here I am, tough guy.
495
00:17:47,076 --> 00:17:49,115
What are you gonna do?
496
00:17:49,116 --> 00:17:52,176
I'll tell you exactly
what I'm going to do.
497
00:18:01,286 --> 00:18:02,995
Well, where is he?
498
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:05,059
You'd think he could at least
be a punctual pervert.
499
00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:06,285
Will you stop saying that?
500
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,165
It's not like he's some monster.
501
00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:09,351
(grunting)
502
00:18:09,352 --> 00:18:10,535
Oh, my God!
503
00:18:10,536 --> 00:18:12,245
Are you okay?
504
00:18:12,246 --> 00:18:13,535
(lisping): Yeah, yeah.
505
00:18:13,536 --> 00:18:15,245
Just a, just a bee sting.
506
00:18:15,246 --> 00:18:17,665
Sorry I'm late.
507
00:18:17,666 --> 00:18:19,035
You must be Judith.
508
00:18:19,036 --> 00:18:22,035
Nice to meet you.
509
00:18:22,036 --> 00:18:24,955
These are for you.
510
00:18:24,956 --> 00:18:27,245
So, this is Felix?
511
00:18:27,246 --> 00:18:28,745
Yes, Mother.
512
00:18:28,746 --> 00:18:31,165
This is Felix Unger.
513
00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:33,035
My boyfriend.
514
00:18:33,036 --> 00:18:34,535
And I don't care what you think.
515
00:18:34,536 --> 00:18:36,405
I think he's perfect.
516
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:38,035
Ah, you're drooling on my shoulder.
517
00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:40,205
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
518
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:41,405
And the best thing is,
519
00:18:41,406 --> 00:18:42,825
he thinks that I'm perfect, too.
520
00:18:42,826 --> 00:18:44,205
That's right.
521
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,825
So he's gonna be around for a while.
522
00:18:45,826 --> 00:18:48,176
Get used to this face.
523
00:18:54,076 --> 00:18:57,165
So, are you seeing any shows
524
00:18:57,166 --> 00:18:59,266
while you're in the city?
525
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,915
(knocking)
526
00:19:17,185 --> 00:19:18,641
Oscar.
527
00:19:18,642 --> 00:19:20,761
So this is where you live.
528
00:19:20,762 --> 00:19:22,391
I had a hard time finding the place.
529
00:19:22,392 --> 00:19:23,551
The cop gave me directions.
530
00:19:23,552 --> 00:19:25,492
And wished me luck.
531
00:19:26,972 --> 00:19:28,391
(dog barking viciously)
532
00:19:28,392 --> 00:19:30,971
So can I come in, quickly?
533
00:19:30,972 --> 00:19:33,011
So, let me guess.
534
00:19:33,012 --> 00:19:35,261
You couldn't find the button
for the coffee machine?
535
00:19:35,262 --> 00:19:37,152
There's a button.
536
00:19:38,432 --> 00:19:41,351
Look, I spoke to Felix today and...
537
00:19:41,352 --> 00:19:44,351
man, I am really not good at this.
538
00:19:44,352 --> 00:19:46,221
What I'm trying to say is...
539
00:19:46,222 --> 00:19:47,652
(indistinct shouting)
540
00:19:49,012 --> 00:19:51,011
Shut up, Mr. Hamaji!
541
00:19:51,012 --> 00:19:52,652
(air horn blares)
542
00:19:54,432 --> 00:19:55,681
Please continue.
543
00:19:55,682 --> 00:19:57,569
As I said, I'm not great
544
00:19:57,570 --> 00:19:58,796
with the emotional stuff,
545
00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:01,626
but what I just wanted
to tell you was...
546
00:20:01,627 --> 00:20:03,416
(rumbling)
547
00:20:03,417 --> 00:20:04,710
What the hell is that?!
548
00:20:04,711 --> 00:20:06,130
It's the F-train!
549
00:20:06,131 --> 00:20:09,260
You get used to it!
550
00:20:09,261 --> 00:20:10,550
You'd better hustle.
551
00:20:10,551 --> 00:20:11,854
The next train's in two minutes.
552
00:20:11,855 --> 00:20:12,970
Okay, okay.
553
00:20:12,971 --> 00:20:15,550
I'm a guy who has a hard time
554
00:20:15,551 --> 00:20:17,760
letting people in.
555
00:20:17,761 --> 00:20:21,470
But the truth is, when you left...
556
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:23,510
I felt sad.
557
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:25,210
Me, too.
558
00:20:25,211 --> 00:20:26,970
Everybody says you make my show better,
559
00:20:26,971 --> 00:20:28,470
and you probably do.
560
00:20:28,471 --> 00:20:30,630
And you definitely make my life better,
561
00:20:30,631 --> 00:20:33,550
so please come back
and be part of both.
562
00:20:33,551 --> 00:20:34,630
Oh, Oscar.
563
00:20:34,631 --> 00:20:36,590
You make my life better, too.
564
00:20:36,591 --> 00:20:38,021
Thank you.
565
00:20:39,841 --> 00:20:41,340
Okay.
566
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,004
Now, you'll still need
to be my assistant.
567
00:20:43,005 --> 00:20:44,050
Absolutely.
568
00:20:44,051 --> 00:20:45,170
And when you're on the air,
569
00:20:45,171 --> 00:20:46,260
you only read the scores.
570
00:20:46,261 --> 00:20:47,670
What about my playful quips?
571
00:20:47,671 --> 00:20:50,260
People love my playful quips.
572
00:20:50,261 --> 00:20:51,880
Okay, five per show.
573
00:20:51,881 --> 00:20:53,010
(air horn blares)
574
00:20:53,011 --> 00:20:54,840
Ten per show, ten per show!
575
00:20:54,841 --> 00:20:56,670
Thank you, Oscar.
576
00:20:56,671 --> 00:20:57,710
I'll see you tomorrow?
577
00:20:57,711 --> 00:20:59,111
See you tomorrow.
578
00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:02,510
(siren wailing)
579
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,260
Can I stay here till daybreak?
580
00:21:04,261 --> 00:21:10,925
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