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This programme contains very strong language.
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Hello, I'm Vicky Pattison from Geordie Shore
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and Queen Of The Jungle, but today I'm starring
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in me very own cult drama.
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I've got no idea what's going to happen to us,
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so wish me luck. I'm off to Successville.
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Welcome to Successville,
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a town full of celebrities.
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Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law
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and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
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I am DI Sleet, I brush my teeth with crime.
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I wipe my ass with bad guys,
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and I de-scale my kettle with kettle descaler.
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I guess there's no other way.
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- Why aren't you doing any work?
- Well, I...
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Why aren't you doing any work, you fat slob?
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Well, actually, it's a special day today, Sir.
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It comes around once a year for everyone.
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It's your birthday!
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I'm so sorry.
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- I had no idea.
- It's the same day every year.
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I could not give a solitary shit.
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So you have no gift for me at present?
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- Actually, as a matter of fact, I do.
- Oh, really?
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- Rookie!
- Oh, great(!) HE CLUCKS
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Happy birthday, Sleet!
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- Hiya!
- This is Vicky Pattison, yes,
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fresh off the shelf.
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Try not to break her or I will fucking break you.
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I'll break her!
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I don't...sorry.
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- Thanks. Hiya.
- Take a seat.
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He is a bit of a helmet, isn't he?
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He's a complete helmet, he busts my balls all the time. That was a weird handshake.
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- I know, I did a finger thing.
- Don't worry, take a seat, Pattison.
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What's with the cake?
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Well, it's my birthday today.
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- Happy birthday!
- Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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- Hey, do you want one of these cool birthday hats?
- Yes, please.
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Shall we both put one on?
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Yes, I think it will be whimsical.
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I like the word whimsical, I don't use it enough.
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- You want a game of pass the parcel?
- What's that? Oh, all right, pass the parcel. Let's do it, then.
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I've got this present, so are you ready?
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Yeah, man, of course.
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Do you know the rules?
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Pass it on, music stops, undo the wrapping?
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You are the cleverest person I've ever met.
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- Thank you.
- You really are.
- I've got a degree.
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Have you? What in? Being cool?
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Drama, Media & Cultural Studies.
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- Oh, right, that isn't as cool as I thought.
- No, it's a bit wank.
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Yeah. Hey, pass the parcel.
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Yeah, let's do it.
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Let's get this party really started.
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- Yeah, I like it.
- Go!
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- Oh! What the hell?
- You go for it.
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Seems that we have...
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pants!
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- Wow, they are cool pants.
- And also...
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a vest. Do you want to wear the pants and I'll wear the vest?
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- Y...yeah.
- OK. There you go.
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That'll be so frigging cool.
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We should just get so drunk later and still have this on.
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Yeah! I'm up for that.
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Oh, my pants are stuck on my heel.
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My vest is stuck on my carpets.
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- Look at this!
- I mean...
- Who's this guy?
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You look like a superhero, Sleet.
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Yeah, well, I am.
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Oh, wow. Pattison, this is so epic!
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It's strong.
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- This right here, right now...
- Yeah.
- ..I will label it
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as the best birthday of all time of my life.
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Right, DI Sleet, the game is up.
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I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
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You're joking. Chief, come on, is this some kind of joke for my birthday?
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What do you mean by this?
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Nick Knowles has been found dead in your fucking car!
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Yes, it was driven up to the woods and dumped.
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He was killed last night.
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Goddammit, I ain't killed no-one. You got to believe me, Pattison.
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- I do.
- Hand over your gun and badge, pig!
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It's weird getting it out because I've got pants over my...
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What the fuck are you wearing?
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It's his birthday, Chief...
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God, you as well.
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You know I'd die for this badge.
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Damn you, Chief.
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I'm the best copper in this damn force.
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Cuff him, Sid!
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Get off me, Lowcroft! Come on, I thought we were friends!
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Let me tell you something, Lowcroft,
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I wish I'd had sex with your wife at the Christmas party like everybody else did.
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SHE SPLUTTERS Lowcroft, what are you doing? You're fingering my ass
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like you're looking under your bed for your wedding shoes.
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- You're not sticking your fingers up his arse, are you, Lowcroft?
- He's trying to.
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Get off me, Lowcroft, have you not done enough?
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- Sleet.
- Pattison, you need to free me and clear my name.
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- I will, Sleet.
- I didn't do it, I swear!
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I believe you, Sleet.
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You're on your own now, kid. Time to put your best bollock forward.
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- Good luck!
- Thanks.
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Pattison, Pattison, Pattison!
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Take a seat.
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- Is everything OK?
- No, Pattison, not everything's OK.
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I've been fitted up for murder and now I'm in the big house.
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And let me tell you, this ain't as cool as people say.
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It ain't that nice here.
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The food's cruddy, it stinks.
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The other thing that really gets my goat is this uniform they've given me.
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- It's too small.
- But at least orange is your colour.
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- Oh, do you think I look nice?
- Yeah.
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It's a bit weird, Lee said that, too.
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He said if I did my hair up all night, he'd take me for dinner.
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He said to me if I wanted he could lend me some of his bubble bath.
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So he seems like a real straight guy, a real straight shooter.
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I think straight is the last thing he is.
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What...?
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We've got to get you off, that is why I came here today. (I brought the file you wanted.)
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Good, you are the best, Pattison.
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It says about the weapon and it just says it was a standard police-issue
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revolver.
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Yeah, a Glock 17.
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I've got one of those, of course.
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I know, that doesn't look good.
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Yeah, but everybody's got one and they're all over the streets like dog shits.
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- Anything else?
- This is a forensic report.
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It says that the victim was killed last night,
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that the killer drove the car because the vehicle was caught on CCTV
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approaching the woods.
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I couldn't have driven, I was drunk out of my mind.
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The last thing I remember is I drank a quart of mulled wine
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and then I did a couple of shots of mead.
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Where the fuck where you drinking, a monastery?
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Yeah, it was a pretty cool place.
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- Those monks go OFF.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
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You're getting baited up, Sleet.
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- Yeah, exactly, that's what I think.
- (Without a doubt).
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Someone wanted my sweet ass in jail.
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The only way of clearing my name is if we bust me out of here
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and me and you go renegade.
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- We hunt them down.
- Uh-huh.
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I need to get that big piece of shit guard over here
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so I can use this.
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(What the fuck's that?)
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Chloroform, I snuck it in.
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Here's what we do.
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I'm going to start staging a small argument between us.
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- Then you overreact, start crying, sobbing, saying how much you miss me.
- Yeah.
- Right?
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Yeah, well, maybe if your mother showed me a little bit of respect
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when she came round instead of complaining about my food,
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because someone else won't cook at home.
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Right, OK. So there you go,
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bringing up me mother, eh?
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Well, at least she comes round. I don't care what she says when she gets there,
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at least she shows her face - what about your family?
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They're intimidated by you because you're so nasty all the time!
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There's a difference!
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Yeah, well, you tell me the difference and I'll write it on my ass
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and send it to the lawyers!
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I will take you for every penny you've got, Sleet!
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I haven't got any MONEY!
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Well, the joke's on you cos I've got loads.
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- Well, REALLY?
- Really!
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Let me have some!
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No!
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Oh, my God, why have you done this?
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Everyone in our household misses you.
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There's a lot of missing going on.
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Hey, thanks, buddy,
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you're a great big stinky lump.
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Take this, you big clown.
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That's it, hit the ground.
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Hit the deck, big fella.
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Ha-ha.
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Right, Pattison, let's hit the streets and find out who fitted me up.
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Let's go! Come on.
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Let's do this.
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'We were now on the run.
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'We'd kidnapped our first suspect,
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'sleazy politician, Len Goodman.
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'He loathed me.
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'Time for me and Pattison to become masters of disguise.'
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What accents can you do?
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Can you do Cockney?
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All right, mate?
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That's brilliant.
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I'm a fucking geezer, ain't I?
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- I'm going to be Scottish.
- OK. Let's hear your Scottish.
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Eh, you're going to get yourself one of these.
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Right, I think...yeah, brilliant.
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For a minute there, I fucking thought you were Scottish.
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Put this on. I'm going to wear this balaclava so he doesn't know it's me.
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- Do you want me to put this straight on me head, like?
- Yeah, put it on your head like that.
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How about now? Do I look really like a man?
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Oh, my God, you look so tough and cool.
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Ha-ha, yes!
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Right. Pattison...
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are you ready to slip into the world of torture?
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Let's do it.
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Let's go torture Len Goodman.
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Och, aye, the noo!
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Get oot of here, you piece of crap!
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Get here, you fucking mug.
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You're going tae get it.
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Right, take off this hood.
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Get off me!
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Eh, you're going tae get it
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cos we are from Glesgae and you're going to get it.
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What are you on about? What you after - money?
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Word to the wise, Sunny Jim,
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and you, half pint.
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You don't want to make an enemy out of me.
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And anyway, what are you talking about?
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See noo, we're from Glesgae,
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and we're going to dig your head in
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and we're going bury you in a basket.
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Glasgow, where, Nigeria?
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Glasgow in Scotland.
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Uzbekistan?
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Ha-ha-ha-ha!
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I'm going to take your...
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Why's he laughing?
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Do me a favour, what's he on about?
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- Right, this is...
- Shut up!
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You mug.
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Where are you from?
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I'm a Cockney geezer, ain't I?
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Don't make me laugh!
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The pair of you, bleeding muppets!
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'Ere, have you seen his eyebrows?
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Look at that!
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Whit's that supposed to mean?
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Look at the size of them. You're some kind of freak, you are!
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- Believe me, under there, a hirsute gorilla!
- What?
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He just saw...
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- That's it, that's it! I'm getting out...
- Oh, it is you, Sleet!
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- You wouldn't know it was me until I...
- Yes, I did!
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You're on my case again, are you? You lanky glass of milk!
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How did you know it was me before?
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I'll tell you what, you sound more Scottish now than
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when you was doing all that "Glasgae waffle-waffle!"
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Shush-ee, Goodman, shush-ee!
246
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:28,360
Check his pockets, Pattison. Have a look.
247
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,600
I don't think you're going to like what we find.
248
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,360
- Can't you be more inventive than that, Sleet?
- Very interesting.
249
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,880
- What's this we have?
- Well, it's a passport. It's pretty obvious, isn't it?
250
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,680
- Yeah. Been anywhere nice?
- Yes, I've just come back from Tenerife.
251
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,280
- What are these?
- Well, they're your car keys, aren't they?
- Why have you got them?
252
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,760
I've had them donkey's years, mate, in case you start poking
253
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,960
that big porky, piggy nose of yours into my business.
254
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,720
Then I run your little jam jar down the garage and I fill her up
255
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,840
with diesel, even though she runs on unleaded!
256
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:04,440
Do you know how much this has cost me? That's cost me a fortune, you horrible piece of shit!
257
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:08,520
- Why would you do such a thing?
- Because I like toying with you!
258
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,480
- What do you like doing?
- Oh, my...
- What? What are you doing that for?
259
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,560
- Why are you pulling that face?
- Jesus, Sleet!
260
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,720
- Have you been nibbling on turds?
- What?!
261
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,200
That's disgusting! H for halitosis! Dear me.
262
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,560
Bring back hanging!
263
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,200
Bring back hanging for halitosis!
264
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,200
- Come on, Sleet...
- Oh, shut up! HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
265
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,400
- Oh, you're exaggerating.
- No, really.
266
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,160
That's like mustard gas coming out of your mouth.
267
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,200
- I'll tell you something.
- What?
- You want to fry?
268
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,680
- You want to fry, Goodman?
- What are you going to do?
269
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:42,360
- I wondered what you were going to do then.
- Hey! Hey!
270
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,160
- Don't make it like that!
- Yeah, OK.
- Don't make this weird.
271
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,640
I don't know, you might have changed, Sleety boy.
272
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,640
Right, that's it, that's it, that's it! Let's electrocute him up.
273
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,880
You are going to have a million volts of electricity
274
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:57,240
- put through your body.
- Oh, right. Off the grid or solar?
- Huh? What?
275
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,920
I don't know.
276
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,280
It's electricity, it's... We're going to make a smoothie out of you, Goodman!
277
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,720
- Light him up.
- Are you ready for this?
- Yeah, light him up.
278
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,960
- Hey, how do you feel now?
- Oh, look! Zilch!
279
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,360
- I'm just going to...
- Ouch again! Ha!
280
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,080
What have you pressed? Have you pressed anything that's wrong?
281
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:15,720
- Is this actually on, or...
- I just pressed the buttons, man.
- Oh, for Christ's sake!
282
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,120
Argh!
283
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,920
- It doesn't work.
- Oh, that was like a ballet dancer's kick, there, Sleet!
284
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,080
- Yeah, well, you wouldn't have wanted...
- You're a lot more graceful
285
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,880
than I had you down for. For a big man, you move very well.
286
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,480
You wouldn't have wanted it for a wart on your nose, would you?
287
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,040
- I wouldn't what?
- You wouldn't want it for a wart on your nose.
288
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,880
- Do you understand anything he says?
- Right, that's it, you're going
289
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,360
to have to shoot him. You're going to have to shoot him.
290
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,280
What's that? Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me?
291
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,440
- That doesn't even work, it's in my ankle!
- The old ones are the best.
292
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,040
- I can see right through you, Sleet.
- You couldn't see the gun there before, could you?
293
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,680
- Right, you're going to have to threaten him with this.
- What's going on?
294
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,080
- We're going to blow your kneecaps off.
- Are you really? You haven't got the balls.
295
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,880
I've got the biggest balls you have ever fucking seen!
296
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,840
- She's got big, delicious, hairy, creamy balls!
- "She"?
297
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,320
- What are you talking about?
- It was a slip of the tongue, he meant "he"!
- No, tell him.
298
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,520
- You're a woman, she's a girl, a woman!
- That's right,
299
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,760
- I'm a girl!
- What about the beard?
- I drew it on.
- Fantastic.
300
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,640
It's very convincing, well done.
301
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,640
- Have you ever thought of a career in make-up?
- Well, I have actually...
302
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,080
Enough, get to the point!
303
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:19,640
- Put a bullet in his knee. Pull the plug on him, shoot him!
- Are you ready?
304
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,280
Shoot him, shoot him good. Do it, just do it! Pull the gun.
305
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,520
- What are you doing?
- I don't know, I think it's broke.
306
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,720
- Dear me!
- What, you've broken it?
307
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,920
- This is why I said to get a receipt!
- You two!
308
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,360
A battery with no charge, a gun with no bullets? I mean, really.
309
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,280
What's next? A knife with no blade?
310
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,040
There's no bullets in it! We look like a fucking pair of idiots.
311
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,960
What the hell do you mean there's no bullets?
312
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,240
Sorry, will you wake me up when this is all over?
313
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,400
Well, it is over, because we haven't got any other ways of torturing you.
314
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,280
Right, OK. The game's up.
315
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,640
- Well, do you want a lift anywhere?
- I don't need a lift anywhere, Sleet.
316
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,040
I'll walk.
317
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,760
I always do.
318
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:58,240
Jilted lovers are always framing people for murder.
319
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,080
My ex Lorraine Kelly was out of town selling Hoovers,
320
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,520
so we had a snoopsy poopsy around her gaff.
321
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,920
Close the door, Pattison.
322
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,640
What do you think?
323
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,240
Snazzy, isn't it?
324
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:11,840
There's someone coming, listen.
325
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,640
When she comes in, just say you're a copper and you've heard
326
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,680
that there was a burglary here and you're just investigating it.
327
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,520
- Don't say I'm here, Pattison!
- Sleet...!
328
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,040
Jesus.
329
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,560
Yea, God.
330
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,840
- Oh, my God! Don't move, you wee bitch!
- No, no!
331
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,680
I've had a drink, but I can handle myself!
332
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,880
Put the bottle of vodka down, Lorraine! No need to be alarmed.
333
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,840
- I am a police officer.
- Are you, like, undercover?
- Yes.
334
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,880
- Oh!
- I'm here to protect you, really.
335
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,200
- You were just trying to protect me!
- Yeah.
336
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,160
And here's me trying to stove your face in!
337
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,640
Oh, Lorraine! You're funny like that!
338
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,360
I owe you an apology.
339
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,200
- It's fine, it's OK. How are you?
- I'm good.
- Yeah?
340
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,520
- You know, I loved one once.
- Did you?
- I did.
341
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:02,920
But he let me down!
342
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,280
Agh! Fuck you!
343
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,320
- Ah, Jesus!
- What was that, hen?
344
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,400
- Is it your guy, your policeman?
- Aye.
345
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,680
He left me heartbroken.
346
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,400
Are you still hoping to, like, see him again, or...?
347
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,160
He'll come back. They all come back in the end.
348
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,160
I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole.
349
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,480
- Did you hear something?
- No. No.
350
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,760
Um, you don't know anyone who'd want to see DI Sleet locked up, do you?
351
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:33,200
- No! My Sleety?
- Yeah.
- No! Well...
352
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,040
Do you think he's capable of murder?
353
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,080
- I don't think so.
- I do.
- You do?
- I do!
354
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,040
I... I do!
355
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,600
- But you don't know him like I do.
- I mean, I'll hold my hands up.
356
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,920
Aye. He's an animal.
357
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,440
A complete animal. Can you imagine what he's like as a lover?
358
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,760
You fucking loved it. PATTISON COUGHS
359
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,280
What was that?
360
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,400
You loved it up you... PATTISON COUGHS
361
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:02,480
- Are you all right, hen?
- Yeah, I'm OK. I just...
- OK.
- You're being so nice and honest with me, um...
362
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,040
You're, like, my new best friend!
363
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:08,040
- We are!
- I like you!
- I like you, too!
364
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,720
Oh, God, Sleety!
365
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,920
- He really let me down.
- Argh, Jesus!
366
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,920
- Well, do you want to go out?
- Oh, hen.
- Oh, come here, you.
367
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,600
- It's all right. Men are bastards.
- Right, aye...
368
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,920
- Do you know what you need?
- Yeah?
- A wee settler.
369
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,120
- Go on, then, Lorraine, why not, eh?
- Aye!
370
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,560
I've got some Charlie.
371
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:34,960
I'll just go get it, we can have a wee bump, aye, that'll sort us out!
372
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,920
- Jesus. What the hell is going on up there?
- Well, I don't know.
373
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,240
I think I'm bonding with her.
374
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,280
- Yeah, you're "bonding"!
- Well, it's all part...
375
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,720
We're here to ask questions about me, not for you to have a sleepover and get drunk.
376
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:52,240
It is horrible down here. It is dusty, there's actual skin.
377
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,840
- And there was a sandwich here.
- What do you mean, "was"?
378
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,880
- I ate it. I ate the sandwich.
- Oh, Sleet, my God.
379
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,760
And I don't even know what was in it.
380
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:04,040
- But as I ate it, I thought, "It's got the texture of chicken..."
- Yeah?
381
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,760
"..but it tastes like fish."
382
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,640
Get back under that fucking bed, Sleet, before I kick your head in.
383
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,280
Yes. OK. Just make it quick.
384
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,880
All right!
385
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:19,400
Oh, Lorraine, you are a sort!
386
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,360
- Come on, then, here we go!
- Ah! For fuck's sake!
387
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,280
And you've both got your fucking shoes on on the bed?
388
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:27,360
Hang on.
389
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,920
- You all right, Lorraine?
- I can smell him.
390
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,520
No, that's just the shovel.
391
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,240
Whoa, whoa, chill out, mate!
392
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,400
Why don't you just go back to doing your chizzle, Lozza?
393
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,920
You're sleeping with him.
394
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,320
- Sleeping with him?
- Oh, my God.
395
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,920
Mate, mate, no, no, no. You've got the wrong end of the stick.
396
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,680
I would never sleep with your Sleety, all right?
397
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,840
- You will never have what we had! Never!
- That's it, that's it.
398
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,840
I've had enough. I can't listen to any more of this.
399
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,600
Now listen good.
400
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,960
Don't look at him, Alison, don't look at him,
401
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:08,120
he's an attention seeker. Don't look at him! Pattison, don't laugh at him.
402
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:11,440
He's self-conscious enough. Don't you laugh at him.
403
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,520
- He doesn't look self-conscious to me, mate!
- What?
404
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,000
I... Stop it, Lorraine! Lorraine! Shut up.
405
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:22,440
Pointing your Glock 17 at an innocent woman! Nice.
406
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,600
Now let me tell you something.
407
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,640
I'm going to find out whoever fitted me up
408
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,000
and I'm going to rain down justice upon them.
409
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,960
Now listen, you disgusting, smelly old lush.
410
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,640
Kind of harsh, that, Sleety, like.
411
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,240
- Pattison, this is awkward enough as it is.
- You're telling me!
412
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,360
You're standing with a massive boner
413
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,960
- and I'm pretty sure she's trying to get us to do a line off her.
- What? Did you do any drugs?
414
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,600
Course I didn't do any drugs!
415
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,080
Just saying, this is weird for me too, all right?
416
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,440
I'm trying to get rid of it.
417
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:53,560
Maybe if someone was to blow on it, it would go away.
418
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,560
- I'll do it, shall I...?
- No, you won't.
419
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:59,560
- You come anywhere near that thing and I'll blow your brains out.
- OK.
- It's not for either of you.
420
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:00,880
This is me, this is all for me.
421
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,240
- So selfish!
- Yeah.
- Men, so selfish.
- Men are selfish, though, Lorraine.
422
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:08,000
Oh, really, Pattison? Maybe we should have a chat about that when we get out of here?
423
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,080
Aye, maybe you should.
424
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,840
Because you seem to have forgot you're my friend, not her friend!
425
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,320
I'm not just one person's friend! Do you know what I mean?
426
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,040
- Am I being too clingy?
- Yes, you certainly are. I'm my own person!
427
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,000
And you know what it is? I quite like Lorraine!
428
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,200
Right, we're going, because I've had enough of this.
429
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,600
We can talk about this in the car.
430
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,920
- Right, we will talk about it in the car.
- Right, come on.
431
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,360
- Only if that goes down.
- Yes, it will go down once it gets
432
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,320
- some cold air to it.
- It was nice to meet you, Lorraine.
433
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,560
- Oh!
- What are you doing? What are you...? She's a suspect.
434
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,680
She might have fitted me up for murder.
435
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,320
Innocent until proven guilty. What happened to that, Sleety?
436
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:42,040
- Whose side are you even on?
- Listen, stop being so quick to judge, man.
437
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,920
- See you later, Lorraine. You take care of yourself.
- I will, aye.
438
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,480
- I told you to get this door fixed.
- I still love you.
- Shut up.
439
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,760
Still love you. Toodle-pip.
440
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,760
Word on the street was my old police-school rival,
441
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,320
Lewis Hamilton, had stepped into my orthopaedic police shoes.
442
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:03,400
The street was never wrong. This stank of smelly dung.
443
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,440
Time to break into the place I used to call home.
444
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,920
Let's get this guy.
445
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,680
- Dammit, dammit to hell.
- What is it, Sleet?
- Lewis Hamilton.
446
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,960
- The sneaky, conniving piece of crud.
- What happened between yous two?
447
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:33,200
When I was at cop college, there was two star pupils.
448
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,640
One was me. One was Lewis Hamilton.
449
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,360
- He didn't like it that I was better than him.
- Yeah.
450
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,920
So when we were first in court together,
451
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,520
he filled my helmet full of custard,
452
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:48,600
so when I put it on top of my head, it went all over my hair
453
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,560
and on my face.
454
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,080
And then everybody else in the class just threw hundreds
455
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,840
and thousands on me and everyone said I was a big, stupid trifle.
456
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,000
He just never gets tired of hurting people's feelings.
457
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,880
It wouldn't surprise me if this was all down to him, like.
458
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:09,440
- Exactly, Pattison. And I need you to get him to admit to this.
- How?
459
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,880
- Pretend you're an MI5 agent, of course.
- OK, and?
460
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,080
You need to go in there,
461
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:19,080
say that you're impressed with whoever killed Nick Knowles.
462
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,640
You like their work, you think they're brilliant and cool.
463
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,120
- And I could use a guy like that on my team.
- Exactly, Pattison.
464
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:29,200
- This is it.
- Your name will be Edith Plumson.
- Plumson. Got it.
465
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,800
- Do it, Pattison.
- Let's go make a trifle out of Lewis Hamilton.
- Yeah.
466
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,000
You could, though.
467
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:42,200
- Hi. Lewis Hamilton, yeah?
- Can I help you?
468
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:47,480
I'm Edith, Edith Plumson. It's very nice to meet you.
469
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:53,920
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, really. I'm not going to lie.
470
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,200
- I'm going to tell you this straight. I'm a big fan of yours.
- Really?
471
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,040
Not just with your interior design and what you've done in this
472
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:05,320
office, but with what you've done with the murder of Nick Knowles.
473
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,040
Excuse me?
474
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,440
I mean, I admire how you've managed to sort of pin it on Sleet.
475
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,120
Let me tell you something, Edith.
476
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,200
I don't think you're MI5 at all.
477
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:21,640
- Well, that's just ridiculous, because I am.
- Who sent you?
- It was my boss.
478
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,400
Because I think your boss is old Uncle Sleet,
479
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,280
and judging from you, he's quite the groomer.
480
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,120
He's nowt like your barber, then, is he, son?
481
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,680
Shall we get back to Nick Knowles and how you killed him?
482
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,280
Shall we talk about that again?
483
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,520
There's only one thing I groom, Hamilton, and that's young girls
484
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,680
and young boys to make good police officers.
485
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,280
The game is up, kid.
486
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,240
Well, well, if it isn't Captain Chilly-Winky.
487
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,760
Still laughing about that? Pulling a man's pants down
488
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,760
- in his first victory parade?
- Shrinkage is always funny, Sleet.
489
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:59,160
When you drew a big penis on my forehead and I went on all those
490
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,640
dates, all that speed dating with a big cock drawn on my forehead...
491
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,480
They were just jokes, Gigantor.
492
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,720
Or don't they have jokes in Giant Land?
493
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,400
They have jokes. You know the biggest joke of all is you.
494
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,280
- A cop who can't drive.
- You know damn well why I can't drive, Sleet.
495
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:17,120
Well, I ain't here for a walk down memory lane, you son of a gun.
496
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:20,240
You tell me one reason why me and Vicky don't shoot you right now.
497
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:24,760
Well, number one, maybe you're the killer, Sleet. You hear me?
498
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:30,040
- A dirty, lowlife killer.
- No, I'm not. I'm a good man.
499
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,200
Lowcroft.
500
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,400
What are you doing here? Nice little pizza club?
501
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,880
What is on those pizzas? Deceit and pineapple?
502
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,400
One is chicken supreme and the...
503
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,880
- Shut up, Lowcroft.
- You always were a pussy.
504
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:47,400
Give me that gun. What about now? Who's the pussy now?
505
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:52,760
- I've got two guns, boy. What are you looking at?
- Police issue.
506
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,880
- Glock 17s?
- Yes, of course they are.
507
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:59,480
The standard issues weren't built with searchlights.
508
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,600
- That only tells me one thing, Sleet.
- What?
509
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:07,120
- You've cable-tied pound-shop torches to the barrels.
- Shut up!
510
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:11,000
- You're pathetic, Sleet.
- No, I'm not! I'm a good cop!
511
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,280
I'm a good boy, Mummy!
512
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,960
- This is where it all ends, huh?
- You haven't thought this through, Sleet.
513
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,360
Yes, I have. I've thought it all through.
514
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:23,160
Have you considered that it was this rookie over here?
515
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,040
- Edith or whatever her real name is.
- Vicky, her name is Vicky.
516
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,440
Everything was peachy keen until she showed up.
517
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,440
Suddenly she's here, your world crumbles. Coincidence?
518
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,680
I don't know what to think.
519
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,440
It's like left is right and right is left, up is down and down is up.
520
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,400
I don't know my arse from my elbow right now.
521
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,680
What are you doing eating pizza? Come on.
522
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,360
It's going to go cold, Sleet.
523
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:45,080
- They are going to go cold.
- I don't care about the pizza!
524
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,040
- Get here.
- What the hell?
525
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,920
- Calm down, you don't have to do this.
- Yeah, I do.
526
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:55,440
- Sleet, this is a stupid idea.
- This ends on the roof.
- Why the roof?
527
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,360
Because it's cooler that way.
528
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,520
- Everything comes to an end, Ramsay.
- Don't be stupid, Sleet.
529
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,240
- Put the girl down.
- No way. No way, Jose.
530
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,680
- I'm going to blow her kaboosh off.
- Shut up, Sleet.
531
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:15,520
- I've got three people here making complaints against you.
- Shut up!
532
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,640
- Shut up!
- All right, all right, just calm down.
533
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,760
I ain't calming down. I've got a list of demands.
534
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,720
I want a helicopter, a purple, sparkly one
535
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,920
and I want you to kiss Sid Lowcroft.
536
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,240
- Come on, Sleet, that's childish.
- Kiss his slimy arse-kissing mouth.
537
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,200
- Sleet, that's babyish.
- Yeah?
538
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,960
How babyish is it if I put a bullet in her head?
539
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,040
- Kiss Lowcroft.
- All right.
- Kiss Lowcroft. Kiss him now. Do it.
540
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,600
Be big about this, OK?
541
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:48,200
- Right, Sleet, come on.
- No, that's not all. Touch his face.
542
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,040
Do it again, sensually. Do it as sensual.
543
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,560
- You are pissing me off now.
- I really have got the gun.
544
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,200
- Touch his face and his ears when you do it.
- Oh!
545
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:02,240
- Now hump his leg like you're a little Jack Russell. Do it!
- Fuck me.
546
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,200
- This is fucking horrible.
- Do it now, do it good.
547
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:13,680
Faster. And look at me and Vicky and smile.
548
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,800
Right, that's it, Sleet.
549
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:21,080
No more funny games. You put the gun down or we open fire in ten seconds.
550
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,880
- Right, Vicky, we haven't got much luck much longer.
- Ten...
551
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:27,240
I need you to take this gun and I need you to take out who you think
552
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,080
framed me for the murder of Nick Knowles
553
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,160
- and when you shoot him...
- Seven...
- ..say something cool.
- OK.
554
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,680
One, two, three, do it, Vicky!
555
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:43,320
- Sorry, Lorraine, but I think it's you. You drunken slag.
- Jesus Christ.
556
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,960
- Right, can I go now?
- Yeah, get lost, Goodman.
- Shit!
557
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:52,120
- What the hell was that?
- Did I kill her?
- Of course you killed her.
558
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:55,360
- God, I hope she did it, mind.
- Why did you shoot Lorraine?
559
00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:00,400
I just think hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
560
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,440
And Sleet scorned her, you know what I mean?
561
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,840
And she thought if she could frame him for this murder
562
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,360
and the police didn't want him any more, she'd get him back.
563
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:11,720
And not just that, she was able to identify
564
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,640
a Glock 17 as a standard-issue police weapon.
565
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,920
What type of woman knows that? I certainly didn't.
566
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:23,640
- Well done, Pattison.
- Bravo. Yes, absolutely brilliant police work.
567
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,880
- It was, of course, Lorraine Kelly.
- What? She did it?
568
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,560
Hell hath no fury. She was a woman scorned.
569
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,600
She did identify the Glock 17.
570
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,680
Pointing your Glock 17 at an innocent woman.
571
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:42,600
And you obviously saw the keys to Sleety's car in her bedroom, yes?
572
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,040
It couldn't have been Goodman
573
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,840
because his boarding pass showed he wasn't even in the country.
574
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,560
Yes, I've just come back from Tenerife.
575
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,320
And it couldn't have been Hamilton
576
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,560
because he couldn't even fucking drive.
577
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:56,480
- You know damn well why I can't drive, Sleet.
- Bravo.
578
00:27:56,480 --> 00:28:02,040
- And I've got a feeling that my face is completely covered in blood.
- Yep.
579
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:07,400
- That's why we do this. Well done.
- Oh, chief. Silly old chief.
580
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:11,120
- Hey, how do you feel?
- I feel like I've just cleared your name, Sleety.
581
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,000
- Yeah, you did. You know something, Vicky?
- Yes, Sleety?
582
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,880
- It's still my birthday today.
- You're not wrong, like.
- Fancy going out?
583
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:22,720
- Let's go and get smashed.
- No, let's go get mortal.
- Here he is.
584
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,160
- Come on, son. Listen, have you ever slut-dropped?
- No, I haven't.
585
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:27,760
I think you'd be good at it, me.
586
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,760
Well, you'll have to teach me, Pattison.
587
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,160
- Don't worry about it.
- That's so Pattison.
588
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,000
♪ She's got a smile that it seems to me
589
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,560
♪ Reminds me of childhood memories
590
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:46,320
♪ Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
591
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,080
♪ Now and then when I see her face
592
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,280
♪ It takes me away to that special place
593
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,640
♪ And if I stare too long I'd probably break down and cry. ♪
50670
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