All language subtitles for Nick Kroll Little Big Boy (2022) WEB.eng

What's up, Washington D.C.?

Thank you guys for coming out.

Look, it's crazy times
out there right now.

And we're all just doing our best,
and I want you guys to know,

that for the next four
to five-and-a-half hours,

everything is gonna be okay. Okay?

Thank you.

Didn't always feel that way.

I remember, I was in seventh grade.

And it was our first, like,
boy/girl party.

Uh, and that was always very exciting.

This was back in the day
when everyone was still straight.

And I was hyped.

And so, I was wearing
my purple button-down shirt,

and I was wearing
my GapKids khakis,

with the elastic around the waist,

for the kids who were like:
"I need to go poopy now!"

I was very excited,
particularly about this party,

because there was this girl there, Lizzy,

who I'd had a crush on
my entire childhood.

And she's sitting alone, watching TV.

And I walk in.

I already had my opening line
ready to go, I go:

"So did you hear Mrs. Goldman's daughter
might have cancer?"

Just spitting hot game.

And just as she looks over at me,

Jenny, the girl whose house it is,
comes up behind me,

and she pantses me.

Those GapKids khakis with
the elastic waist come right on down.

And then below that
I'm wearing silk boxer shorts.

Like a business man
on vacation in Hong Kong.

Those slide right on down...

Lizzy looks over at me,
and she is now eye to eye

with my bald little cashew.

She is horrified.

Jenny, the girl who pantsed me,

is mortified.

And I am now a comedian.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I was a late bloomer,

and that's why it was so terrible
getting pantsed at that age.

I was also a picky eater.

As a little kid I basically
would only eat mac and cheese.

And, uh, I remember

my mom would try to feed me other stuff,
I didn't want anything else...

Every once in a while
she could spice it up

with something like fettuccine Alfredo.

Which in reality was just creaming it up.
It was...

Fettuccine Alfredo,
the wettest of the pastas.

One night I just slurp up
a big old bowl of fettuccine Alfredo.

A great pre-karate meal.

Especially for an undiagnosed
six-year-old lactose-intolerant.

So I finish the fettuccine Alfredo.

Hop in the minivan.
I'm not trying to brag,

but we had the Plymouth Voyager.
It was not a big deal.

I get in the way, way back.
I'm in deep right, okay?

My mom gives me a peach for dessert.

And I'm just like:
"Ew, this peach is juicy!"

She's like: "Well, then don't eat it."
And I just take it

and I just jam it into the cup holder.

Put a napkin over it, and I'm just like:
"Peach!"

Because at that point in my life
I did have a "spees" impediment.

We then arrive at karate.

I took karate. I was a little Jewish boy,

and I took karate with ten
Irish-Catholic firemen in my town.

At a Catholic school in my town
called Resurrection.

This was a school that I was not
welcome at during the day.

But I wanted to be like:

"Without me,
I don't know if you got the name?"

Allegedly, D.C.

So I roll into karate.

And I say hello
to my fellow martial artists.

You know, like, show them great respect.

I don't know if you have ever had
the privilege of attending a karate class

or even better, a karate demo.

Which is the occasional ceremony
where you show

that you can do a TikTok dance
very basically.

To be like... And I'm like...

I don't know. I'm sorry. I won't do it.

And you would slowly move up
from a white belt to a yellow belt

to a black belt.

And so I'm in karate,

and I'm doing all the kicks
and all the punches.

And I'm just like... "Okay, I'm good."

"I'm good at karate."

And all of a sudden I hear like:

And I'm like: "Oh, fettuccine Alfredo."

So I excuse myself from karate.

From all the martial artists.

And I

go into the hallway and then do that,
you know, that, like, speed walk you do,

when you're like, you know.

And it's so fun being
in another school's hallway.

You see, like, an inspirational poster.

You know, like Jesus that says, like:
"Hang in there." And...

Oh... And I get to the bathroom,
and I'm getting ready to go.

And I've, like, knotted the gi.

Now, I don't know if you guys
are familiar again with the martial arts,

but a gi is the outfit
you wear for karate.

Now, "ghee" is also a word
that is now used for clarified butter.

For those of you who may
be familiar with the keto diet

or bulletproof coffee.

I'm currently doing bulletproof coffee,
and that is where you put

like, a lot of clarified butter
in your coffee.

Five years from now they're gonna be like:
"Remember when everyone's veins exploded?"

It was like the Atkins diet.

Remember the guy
who invented the Atkins diet

died of a heart attack?

Or the guy who invented the Segway?

Do you guys know how the guy
who invented the Segway died?

He fell off a cliff on his Segway...

Which is a good segue back to...

...my gi.

Which I had knotted like a hundred times,

because children
don't understand the future

or consequences.

So I'm trying to unknot the gi.

And then I just spray the gi...

...with fettuccine Alfredo foam.

I now have to go back
through the school hallway

kind of like moseying along.

Like a little John Wayne.
I get back into karate, and I'm like:

"Howdy, Kemosabe."

The firemen do not say a word.

But you know they went home
to their wives and were like:

"The fucking Kroll kid
shat his fucking gi."

So what I'm trying to tell you is:

I walked into karate that night
a white belt,

but I left a brown belt.

Thank you.

I really am a late bloomer.
It took me a while to do a lot of things.

Like the first time I said: "I love you."

Does anyone here remember the first time
they said "I love you" to someone?

And not like, you know, a family member
or like a gorgeous plate of chicken parm.

Do you remember?
You can shout out how old your were

the first time you said
"I love you" to someone.

Thirteen. Eighteen.

I was thirty-two.

Does anyone here remember the first time
they had their heart broken?

Thirteen. Sixteen.

I was thirty-three.

That means that the first woman
I said "I love you" to

was also the first woman
to break my heart.

And she fucking got me good!

This was like ten years ago.
Her name was Kate.

And she was like the kind of woman
that I'd always thought

I could never get.
She was beautiful and funny.

And smart.

She was the kind of girl that I always
had a crush on in high school.

But we were just friends, you know.

I don't know if that kind of dynamic
is familiar to people

who come to comedy shows.

But you know that thing,
where you're like...

You're friends,
and one person likes the other person.

And the tension just builds,
until someone's like:

"Jocelyn, can I speak to you tonight?"

"Boy, this is gonna end well."

Then I'd go to a party
and get kinda drunk and be like:

"Jocelyn, as I mentioned earlier today,

I wanted the opportunity
to speak with you

and let you know
that I value our friendship so much.

But I also need you to know
how often I jerk off to you."

And she'd be like:
"Oh, Nicky, that is so sweet.

But I think we're just better as friends."

And I'd be like: "Yeah, that was
the outcome I was hoping for."

And then she would go outside

and give a hand job to a lacrosse player

with multiple concussions

at a party at my house.

Okay?

But now I'm 32,
and I've met this woman, Kate.

And we are in love.
We're talking about moving in together.

We're having those conversations you have
when you think you're with your person.

You know, you're like...

"Well, if we even had a kid..."
Like, you know.

"What would we even name it?", you know?

And I was like: "Kilometer.

Kilometer Kroll. It's a strong name."

Cause like, I'm a huge Miles Davis fan.

But I'm, like, an even bigger fan
of the metric system.

So we were really,
we were in it, and uh...

She gets a gig in New York,

and we have a wedding in New York,
and I fly to meet her at the wedding,

and then we're gonna have this,
like, really romantic weekend together.

And we go to the wedding.

I don't know if you've ever been to a
wedding with the person that you're dating

and you're watching the wedding
being like: "Is this like what we'd...?"

"I mean, I guess this little
ring-bearer girl is cute,

but we would have like a dachshund
in a white tuxedo hold the rings, right?"

And I'm watching the vows,
and I'm just bawling.

And then I look over at her,
and she's crying a lot less.

We go home after the wedding,
and she's like:

"Nick, we have to talk." And I'm like:

"About what? The future?"

And she's like: "Sort of."

And I'm like: "What's going on?"
She's like: "I think we should break up."

And I'm like:
"What? What do you mean? We're great."

She's like:
"No, Nick. We've been talking about this."

And I'm like:
"We have not been talking about this!"

And she's like: "Well, I've been
talking about it with my friends."

And when you're getting dumped,

you realize you are
the last person to find out

that you're getting broken up with.

This person has focus grouped all of this.

They have workshopped the material,

and now they are presenting you
with their findings.

Which is that you ain't shit, bitch.

So I'm like: "Let's talk about this."
She's like: "Nick, I've told you before.

I never wanna get married."

I was like:
"We don't have to get married!

We can be one of those couples
that's just like together,

and everyone's like:
'What's their fucking deal?

Do they not want insurance?" Like...

So I just start, like, pleading.

I'm like: "Please."

Which was not an effective method,

because I know that part of the reason
she wanted to break up with me is

that she didn't, like,
find me masculine enough.

She wanted a guy with sleeves of tattoos
who could drive stick,

who could ride a motorcycle...

And I'm just never gonna be the guy
who rides a motorcycle.

If I were, I'd be the guy
at the back of the pack, who's like:

"Oh no, I'm gonna miss the light.

Aww, I'm gonna get split up
from the fellas.

I was really looking forward to
rumbling through a neighborhood

and ruining people's day."

So when I'm like: "Please...".

It was not effective.

But I just kept poking. I was like:
"You need to give me a reason."

She's like:
"Nick, it doesn't... Nick, fine!

I'm just not attracted to you."

And I was like...

"Oh, cool. Cool...

Okay, cool. Very cool.

Very cool. Very cool.

That's right. Very cool.

Very cool thing for me to hear.

Cool, cool.

Hey, how about you give me

literally any other reason why

you wanna break up?"

Like, she could have been like:
"I wanna break up."

And I'm like: "Why?"
She's like: "Because I'm in al-Qaeda."

I'd be like: "I get that.
That's gonna be a major time commitment.

You do you, okay."

"I'm just not attracted to you"
fucking slayed me.

So finally like three in the morning
she's like:

"Nick, I gotta go to sleep."

And so, I pack up all my stuff

and I give her one last kiss goodbye
and smell her like a fucking psychopath.

And then I leave her apartment.

Walk out into the hallway.

With my little "rolley" suitcase.

Like a contestant on The Apprentice
that's just been fired.

And I go down to the street.
New York City at three in the morning.

And I've just lost the love of my life.

And I've nowhere to stay.

And I just start bawling.

Yeah.

I cry. Like, I'm a crier. I cry...

But, like, I cry from happy stuff,
you know.

I cry giving toasts. You know, like...

And it's one of the things that Kate
did not like about me. I'd be like:

"Can we just quickly raise a glass?"

You know, and she'd be like:
"Ugh, fucking ride a motorcycle."

And I'm like: "I can't, because even if
I am safe and I wear a helmet,

I can't trust the other drivers
on the road...".

I cry watching Lowe's commercials,
you know.

You know those commercials
where the dad buys all the fixings

for a basketball hoop?

You know, like, the lumber
and the mashed potatoes.

All the fixings.

Then he puts it up in the driveway.

And he's teaching his ten-year-old son,
like, how to shoot free throws, you know.

And then you cut to ten years later,
and now that son is playing

in the national championship game.

And he's wearing a non-branded jersey

that says, like, "State."

And the other team is like
"University of College."

And he gets fouled,
and there's one second left on the clock.

And now he's at the free throw line.

And he hits the winning free throw,
and the crowd goes wild.

And he looks up at his dad, and he's like:

"Thank you for building
this basketball hoop.

And thank you for shopping at Lowe's."

And the dad looks down at him,
and he's like:

"I love you,

and I love shopping at Lowe's.

And I love this man."

And he's now with an older black man,
and I'm like:

"Oh my God,
look at this modern American family!"

That'll make me cry.

Getting dumped got me good, man.

"I'm just not attracted to you."

But when Kate said that to me,

I was like: "That is so... fair.

I'm a fucking gargoyle." You know?

I mean, does anyone here look in the
mirror and feel good about what they see?

"Yeah!" There's usually, like, one guy

and Lizzo.

You know...

And I get it with Lizzo. She plays
the flute. It's very sexy. It's cool.

But who's that guy, I mean...?
You know those guys, that are just like...

Like the sun is always in their eyes,
you know, like...

Always, like, touching their chests,
you know.

I'm like, what is his morning like?

You know what I mean? Does he just look
in the mirror, and he's just like...

"Fucking nailed it.

Alright, let's start the day, Jake."

That is not what my morning is like, okay?

I do everything in my power
to be as attractive as possible.

And tonight that's to look like one of
Christopher from The Sopranos' friends.

You know...

"Hey, Chris. We're you gonna talk
to your uncle Tony for me?"

I do everything in my power,
and then I look in the mirror,

and the voice that I hear,
when I look in the mirror

is like an English bully.

You know, he's just like:

"Look at you.

You fat fucking iguana."

The voice I hear might be
British action star Jason Statham.

"Why are you
so red, when you get out the shower?"

I'm like: "'Cause I have eczema."

"Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you?

And what makes the eczema flare up?"

"Dairy."

"And you're still eating
lots of ice creams, aren't you?"

"Yeah." "And tree nuts?"

"Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashews."

"Yeah, you're not supposed
to eat cashews, are you?"

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"I guess I should go..."
"Yeah, you gonna go down to the chemist?"

"We call it a pharmacy."
"Yeah, I bet you fucking do."

"You go down to the pharmacy
and get your fragrance-free moisturizers

and get your jumbo pack
of children's melatonin."

"'Cause the regular..."

"Yeah, 'cause the regular stuff makes you
groggy in the morning, doesn't it?

And then you walk out of the pharmacy,
and what did you...?"

"I forgot my eczema..."

"Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams!

So why don't you get the fuck outta there,

you fat, forgetful, amphibious,
red, rashy,

pathetic, semitic fucking nobody."

And then I look in the mirror,
and I'm like:

"Let's start the day."

It's hard to start the day.

Right now. In general.

You know what makes it easier, is...

When I wake up in the morning, I think:
"Maybe I'll learn something new today."

You know? It's always exciting.

I just learned... Okay, this is crazy.

This is... Okay, everyone shut up.

This is crazy.

Did you guys know... Okay, shut up.

Did you guys know that if,
when you need to fart,

if you pull your butt cheek to the side,

the fart doesn't make a noise?

Did...

Did... All the women knew. Did...

It's a fucking game changer.

What did I think
was making the fart noise,

if it wasn't my little butt-cheeks
vibrating back and forth, like:

Did I think there was a little
trumpeter in my butt?

Like a little Miles Davis, just like...

A little Freddie Fartloader.
What did I think?

You can stay at a party
for an extra two hours.

For real. Go to a party, be like: "Hey.
I'll be just one sec. I'm just gonna...".

And then you, like, try to run
to lose the fart's trail.

"Oh, I don't, yeah, I don't know
what that smell is, man.

Maybe somebody scrambling eggs, or...

A mouse died in the wall? I...

All I know is, I didn't hear anything."

We don't like to admit
when we need to fart.

We don't like to admit
when anything's wrong with our stomach.

Nobody is ever like: "I have diarrhea."

You know what I mean?

They're always like:
"My stomach's a little off.

I'm having some stomach stuff."

It's like: "Bro, you got diarrhea."

Nobody wants to admit it.

And then it sneaks up on you.
You know what I mean? Like...

I was at a breakfast meeting,
and I had two cups of coffee,

and then a fruit smoothie.

And I excuse myself
from the gentlemen I'm with.

I'm like...

"If you'll excuse me."

I get in my car.
I'm ten minutes from my house.

I start driving.

And all of a sudden
the hairs on my arms start to rise.

I get the shivers, you know.
You're just like, "Ooh...".

Driving doing like butt Lamaze.
You know, like,

"Ooooh..."

I pull up in front of my house.
I'm not yet parked.

And I'm like: "I'm not gonna make it!

Am I gonna make it?"

And Statham's like: "No."

And I'm like:
"Please don't make me this person!

I don't wanna be this person!"

And then... You know in New Orleans?

Like, right before the levees burst.

They're like: "What if we let,
like, a little bit of water

through the levees?
Maybe that'll save the city."

So I let like a Hershey's Kiss
through the levees.

And I'm like: "Is that enough?"

And Statham's like: "No, I want it all."

And I'm like:
"Please, don't make me this person!"

And then I just fill my underwear

with a travel size pillow
worth of brisket.

Enjoy that
the next time you have barbecue.

And then I'm like: "Is that enough?"
And Statham's like: "Yeah, we're good."

I'm still not parked.

I'm gripping the wheel.

My legs are shaking
like a rescue chihuahua.

I finally get out of my car
and waddle inside.

Like Charlie Chaplin, just like...

Get up. Burn my clothing.

Take a shower.

And then a four-hour shame nap.

Wake up, get on a plane,
and come here to Washington D.C.

Go ahead. You feel the hair
on your arms starting to rise?

So, everything about that is true,
except for the last part.

I did fully shit my pants in a Prius.

But that last part...

The truth is,
that happened nine years ago.

That was the year after
Kate had dumped me.

And the woman who said
that she never wanted to get married

was now engaged to another man.

And I'm sitting in my car
with a pant-load

being like:
"Why did she break up with me?"

Fuck.

I felt like a kid, you know.

But I always have felt
a little bit like a kid,

'cause I'm the youngest in my family.
I'm the baby in my family.

Yeah.

"Nick's the baby."

"Nicky's the..." No, Nick. You're 44.

And you've never gotten a present
for a single person in your family.

Okay?

I put a lot on birth order. I think that's
how I ended up becoming a performer.

Because I'm the baby in my family.

Who here is the oldest in their family?

Yeah.

Raising your hands
like good boys and girls.

Yeah...

"Yes, and I bear the weight
of my birthright..."

You guys are like Vin Diesel.

You think you're the star of the movie.

And then all of a sudden
they keep adding cast members,

and you're like: "I didn't realize
this was an ensemble." You know?

I think it's really hard being the oldest.

'Cause you have to be the trailblazer.
You have to be the one

who figures everything out yourself.

And then you have to take care
of your siblings, like... My brother,

he taught himself to drive stick
when he turned 16.

When I turned 16,
he tried to teach me to drive stick,

and I was like: "This is hard.

I can't charm a clutch. You know?"

Bye, gotta go somewhere else."

My brother showed me every movie
that was influential.

He'd shown me every Mel Brooks movie
by the time I was ten years old.

He also... Yes.

He also showed me The Exorcist
when I was five.

So anytime I see a girl
whose head turns around 360 degrees,

I'm, like, triggered.

Do we have any youngest
in the crowd tonight?

"Everybody wants to talk to me!

I'm whimsical!

I've abandoned three different dogs
at Mom and Dad's house."

And if you're a middle child...
Nobody cares, shut up.

Shut up. Nobody cares.

You knew that already, right?
You knew that.

That's why you choose a partner
who's like:

"Your family's fucked up."
And you're like: "I know!

That's why we are the team, right?"

Do we have any only children
in the crowd tonight? "Yeah!"

Did you come with your fucking parents?

"My parents are my friends."

"And my friends are my family."

Anyone here have an old-ass dad?

Yeah? How old was your dad,
when you were born?

I don't know,
but he's pushing 60 now.

He's pushing 60 now?
And how old are you?

Twenty-one.

You're 21. Okay, so he was like forties,
early forties?

That's actually a very young age
to have a child.

It's actually a very good age
to have a child, actually.

It means he was ready.
It actually means he was ready.

It is funny when you're like:
"So we finally met Caleb's father."

He's a hundred and three."

And some guy rolls in. He's like:

"I'm here to pick up my son, Caleb.

I'm wearing True Religion jeans.

I have no butt."

You know how old men get so old,
they, like, lose their butt, you know?

"I poop out of the bottom of my back."

I am the youngest of four.

All three of my siblings
have four children.

So I have 12 nieces and nephews.

And I've always very much
been like "Uncle Nick."

As in: "You know,
Uncle Nick has eczema too."

And I'm like: "That's right, buddy.
Uncle Nick has eczema.

That's why he wears
a special cream on his fingies,

so they don't dry up
and look like witch dicks."

I really do wear a steroid cr...

Like, if anyone was ever like:
"That's the level of man I am."

If someone's like:
"Have you ever done steroids before?"

And I'd be like: "Yeah. Yes.

The topical var... It's called clobetasol.
Are you familiar with it?

I'm supposed to lather myself in it,
when I get out of the shower,

so that I'm slippery,
when I get out of the shower,

almost like a seal, you know?"

"So are you having fun
on the date so far?"

I think part of being the youngest is,
you're always trying to catch up.

You're always comparing yourself
to your older siblings.

You always wanna seem older.

So I started smoking,
when I was pretty young.

And I loved it.
I was so good at smoking.

I could blow rings. I could do
everything cool about smoking.

I could blow rings...

But I was like:
"I gotta quit, but I can't."

'Cause I felt sexy, when I smoked.
I felt like a Jake.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'd be like...

"So, like, I'm not an asshole,
I'm just shy."

That was never my game,
I was always like: "I like you!

No games!

We'll dance, we'll laugh,
your parents will find me charming."

"I feel like, if I fucked your friend,
it would bring us closer together."

"I'll never look at another girl!
I'll pop my eyeballs out for you!"

"I'm sorry,
I couldn't make it to your mom's funeral,

but Incubus was in town."

I was like: "I gotta quit smoking."
I felt so weak, you know.

I tried going cold turkey,

but then I just ate the turkey.

I'm a naughty little pun boy.

I tried vaping,
but vaping is embarrassing.

When you watch someone vape, they look
embarrassed while they're doing it.

They're just like...

It's like: "Bro, we see you
sucking on that little robot dick."

It's like they've forgotten
about the second half of vaping,

where they're gonna blow out
the world's largest plume of smoke.

You know, they're just like:

You know, like: "Wow!
Is that boy with the neck tattoo

a dragon that breathes hazelnut?"

Finally, I was desperate to quit.
And I couldn't figure it out.

And so I finally went
and I got hypnotized.

Fuck all of you.

Okay?

I went to a weird man's garage in Malibu.

You know those beach-town men,
that are so tanned,

they're like the color
of a beautiful basketball?

He had a gorgeous, beautiful,
sweeping toupee.

And I get to his weird
hoarder's garage in Malibu,

and it's filled
with old People magazines

and a sun-faded article
about Katherine Heigl.

So either, this guy had helped
Katherine Heigl quit smoking,

or he had murdered Katherine Heigl.

So, I don't know what happened.
I sat down in a weird La-Z-Boy,

and he asked me rhetorical questions.
He was like:

"So Nick, would you give a toddler a gun?"

And I'm like: "I don't know the toddler.

Has anyone done
a background check on him?"

And then he hypnotized me.

I don't know what he said to me.
I don't know what he did to me.

All I know is that I woke up
after an hour in his dirty garage,

and I walked out of the room,

and I have not smoked a cigarette since.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

But every time is see a toddler,
I give him a gun.

So I got hypnotized
in my early thirties for cigarettes.

I then got hypnotized again
in my early forties

for a much cooler reason, you guys.

I got hypnotized because I

am addicted to snacks.

I love snacks!

Snacks, snacks...

I love snacks. I love snacks so much,
all I wanna do

is eat salt and vinnies.

In the back of that mouth.

I want Sour Patch Kids, I want cookies,
I want peanut-butter pretzels!

I want candy! Candy! I want candy bars.

Do you guys know that the only
corporate tie-in I have ever done,

is with the Take 5 candy bar?

Do you guys understand what that means?

That means that
the only corporation that I felt was

"fully aligned with my values"

was the Take 5 candy bar.

Because my values

are peanuts, peanut butter, chocolate,
caramel, and pretzels. What?

Crunchy, salty, smoochy, mushy...

I was like: "Don't give me money,
just pay me in Take 5s."

I literally, I walk into my kitchen,
I open the pantry, and I'm just like:

"Snack attack!"
I just wanna eat fucking snacks.

And I was like:
"I gotta stop. I feel out of control."

I have the willpower of a child,

but I have
the financial resources of an adult.

So I was like: "Fuck it.
I'm gonna go get hypnotized again.

But I can't go to Katherine Heigl's
basketball murderer."

So I hear about this woman named Danica.

And Danica and I spoke on the phone.

And then she hypnotized me over the phone.

She made a recording of the hypnosis.

Then she sent me that recording.

And I listen to it,
when I go to sleep at night.

Guys... We are all just doing our best.

Okay?

She's like: "So, Nick.
I'm going to hypnotize you.

Counting down from ten. Three, two, one.

You're in a deep sleep.

So, Nick. You're watching the television.

And on the screen comes a newscaster.

And he says:

'Nick! Stop it with all the snacks!'

For, you see,
there's a sleeper cell of criminals,

and these criminals
are going around all the factories,

filled with the flour and the sugars,

and they are replacing it
with crunchy rat tails

and ground-up cockroach wings.

And sure, when the gummy bears are there,

that is all the ooze

from the gooey maggot stuff."

So for those of you who feel bad, like:
"Oh, Nick got broken up with from Kate."

I do not sleep alone.

I make myself a cup of tea,

I eat half a child's melatonin,

and then I listen to Danica

tell me the most fucked-up
bedtime story ever.

Now, how many of you guys
believe that story?

All right, like three of you? All right.

Well, then I'd like
to fucking play something for you now.

What do you guys think
is happening here tonight?

You guys are getting the real,
vulnerable Nicky K, folks.

All right, Beth. Can you hit it?

So what if those
crunchy rat tails...

So what if there was crunchy cockroach
wings ground up in the flour and sugar?

They didn't care.

And of course they knew
that the slugs dragged up

would be ground up with the sugar,

but that meant the liquid was there,
of course.

The gummy bears would be all nice,

gooey slug stuff.

Like I said, folks, we are all just
doing our best out there, okay?

So...

Now...

I do love my snacks.
I'm a little snack boy.

Jake. Jake's a fuckboy, I'm more of,
like, a little snack boy, okay?

But I do like fruits and vegetables,
like, I...

Right now, I'd say that my favorite
vegetable is the Brussels sprout, right?

I'd say no vegetable has made
a bigger 180 in my lifetime

than the Brussels sprout.

'Cause when I was a little kid,
they were boiled.

And my mom would be like:
"Nicky, eat some Brussels sprouts."

And I'm like:
"You want me to eat this Super Ball

covered in fart lettuce?"

She'd be like:
"Nicky, just eat one Brussels sprout."

I'm like: "Hey, mom.
Why don't you eat just one dick?"

I was so mean to my mom.

Why, why are we so mean to our moms?

Why am I still mean to my mom?

You guys are like: "I'm not mean
to my mom. I love my mom."

Okay, here's my impression
of every single one of you

getting a phone call from your mother.
Okay, here it goes.

"Fuck..."

That's it. It's perfect.
It's a perfect impression.

I have no shorter fuse
with anyone in my life,

than I do my own mother.

My mom could be like:

"I'm forwarding you an article

about the L.A. art deco movement."
And I'm like:

"Why would you do that, Mom?!

You know art deco is like my
least-favorite architectural movement!"

Meanwhile, dads get off scot-free.

I remember my dad would call me
on the phone and be like:

"Hey, son. Wanted to come to your
baseball game today, but then didn't."

And I'm like: "That's okay, Daddy."

My mom's like:
"I like that jacket on you."

I'm like:
"What about all my other jackets, Mom?!

What's wrong with them, huh?

I hate your love."

Here's the problem with moms, is like,

they're indispensable, you know?

It's like Vin Diesel
and the Fast & Furious movies.

Which, I don't know if you guys know,
but they're all about family.

But it's like, moms are like Vin Diesel.

"Ugh, I fucking can't stand this guy,

but I don't think
we can do it without him."

I think it's that
the power dynamic's off with moms.

You know?

And I think it's 'cause, like,

they literally grow us inside of them.

And we just suck
the literal life out of them.

Just like: "Give me all your nutrients.

Your hair is never
gonna be the same again."

And then we just slide
out of their vaginas, and we're just like:

"Fuck you!"

So I've really been trying to figure out

why are we so mean to our moms?

And I think I've come up with the reason.

And I think the reason is

because they're so fucking annoying.

Thank you. Thank you.

And that's my TED Talk on moms.

And maybe you're a mom
in the crowd tonight, and you're like:

"This fucking joke.
I don't like this joke.

I don't like this vibe."
Here's what I would ask.

I wanna invite you into the joke.

And I'm gonna ask you
to think about your mom for a second.

And how fucking annoying she is.

And then you'd be like:
"Okay, it's good. I get it. I get it."

I mean, I think about my mom,

and how annoyed
she was by her mother.

My grandmother was an amazing woman,
but she was tough, you know.

I remember coming down
for Thanksgiving one year.

I was wearing a new sweater,
and she touched my belly and goes:

"Well, Nick.
You're looking very prosperous."

I was like: "Whoa!

Getting roasted by Nana!"

Statham's like:
"Wish I'd thought about that one."

She was a tough woman.

You know, she survived the Depression.

She lost family in the Holocaust.

She's like: "Oh, I'm sorry that you
found Georgetown exclusionary."

Here's the thing, moms.
Here's what I will say.

You've got no game.

That's your issue.

You pick up on the first ring.

Just, like, play it a little cooler,
you know.

You ever call your mom, and it's like,
even before it rings: "Hello?"

And you're like: "Ugh, butt dial.
Sorry, butt dial. Forget it. I gotta go."

Meanwhile, dads are better at that.
You know, like, my dad, honestly,

I could call him, I don't hear back
from him for like three weeks,

and then I'll get a text at midnight
on a Wednesday, that's like:

"You up?"

And I'm like: "I am for you, Daddy."

So I am in therapy...

Yeah.

I am, and I think one of the most
useful things I learned in therapy was

that you can't really fall in love, until
you can figure out how to love yourself.

And, it takes a really long time
to figure that out.

And, so, I finally met a woman.
Her name's Lily, and we...

We started going on dates,
and we just hit it off.

And we really fell in love.

And we went on our first, like,
really romantic holiday to Italy.

We went to the city of Bologna,
which in Italian means baloney.

And we're having a great time,
but I was like: "I gotta step this up.

How do you fucking step this up?"

I was like: "Let's go rent a car.
Let's go for a drive

through the Italian countryside."

She's like: "Great."

So we go to the Hertz Bologna.

Which in Italian means:
"My pee-pee hurts."

You can't see me behind this stool.

So we go to the Hertz Bologna.

We pack up the car.

And, uh...

Car is stick.

And I'm like: "Babe, cool thing about me?

Is, uh, I don't actually
really drive stick."

And she's like: "Oh. Okay.
No problem. I'll just go tell the guy."

So she goes inside and gets
the Hertz Bologna rental-car guy.

And he comes out, and he's like:

"Hey, no way...

No way...

Eh, automatico...

...in Bologna, huh?

No automatico in Bologna."

And I'm like: "Okay."
And he's like: "You, eh...

You don't have, eh...

You don't have a stick?" And I'm like:

"I have a stick,
I just don't know how to use it, okay?"

And he's like: "Okay...
I got an idea. A lightbulb.

I got an idea. How about this?

You hire a driver. The driver, he sit
in the front seat with your girlfriend.

They, uh...

You sit in the back seat,
automatico, eh?

You cuckold, eh?

You cuckold snowflake, eh?"

And I'm like: "Fuck you, man.
I can figure this out, okay?"

So I look at my girlfriend,
and I'm like:

"Babe, if you can be patient with me,
I can figure this out." She's like:

"I got you." So...

I don't know if you guys
have ever driven stick, but...

There's three pedals.

Including one called "the clutch."

Which, you know, I'm a guy's guy.

So I know that a clutch
is a little pocketbook

that women take out for a fancy night.

So I ease off the clutch.

And I press down on the other thing.

And I put it into first, and I
just like can't, you know...

It's stalled.
Just cannot get it's gears grinding.

Just can't get it moving at all.

Kind of like

Vincent D'Onofrio in Men in Black.
Just like...

"Give me sugar!"

So the ten-minute ride
to get out of Bologna

takes about an hour and 45 minutes.

But then we get out of the city,
and now we're on the open road.

And it's so beautiful.

The sun is setting.

And all of a sudden

the hairs on my arms start to rise.

And I'm like: "Oh no."

And Statham's like: "Had to have
that second cappuccino, didn't you?

That diarrhea's coming fast and furious.

Hope you got a transporter
to ride to a loo."

And I'm like:
"Are you gonna list all of your movies?"

And he's like: "The Meg."

And I'm like:
"Babe, we just gotta pull over

and go to a gassatoria real quick."

And she's like: "Okay." So I'm like:

"Ooh. This caterpillar wants
to become a butterfly."

We pull up to a gas station.

I have to downshift.
That's the hardest part.

Can't, you know, get it back into gear.
We're like 15 feet from the gas thing.

And I'm like: "Oh god."

My girlfriend's like:
"Babe, are you okay?" And I'm like:

"Yeah,
my stomach's just like a little off."

And she's like:
"Babe, it's okay if you have diarrhea.

You can tell me, because I love you."

And then I look at her.

And I shit my pants.

And that's when I knew she was the one.

So, that was like the end of 2019,

and we moved in together after that.

She moved in with me in Los Angeles
at the beginning of 2020.

And do you guys remember...

March 2020?

The lockdown starts, and now the two of us
are just living in this house together.

And I knew that she was
the women I wanted to marry,

that I wanna spend
the rest of my life with,

that I wanna have a family with.

But I don't know about you guys,
but even before COVID

everything felt real crackly, you know.

Everything just felt fucking off,
and then COVID happens.

And I'm like: "Do I wanna have children?

Do I wanna bring a child into this world,

with everything going on?"

And I just got scared, you know?

And I know how hard it is to have a kid
without anything going wrong.

Like, I have all these nieces and nephews,
and all my friends have kids.

And there's nothing harder than
making a four-year-old eat dinner.

You know what I mean? You ever given
a four year old dinner?

"Here's some mac and cheese."
"I don't want that." You know.

"What do you want?" "I want pizza."

"Okay." You bring her a pizza.
"What's the green?"

And you're just like: "It's just basil."

"I don't want basil!"

"It's just a garnish." "What's a garnish?

Garnish sounds worse!"

You're like: "All right.
You know what, buddy? It's time for bed.

Let's go get ready." And you take 'em
upstairs to brush their teeth.

They're like:
"I don't like this toothpaste.

It's spicy."

"What? Spicy? It's fucking mint."

"I don't like this spicy toothpaste."

"You gotta get some new adjectives, bro."

"I don't like this bubble water.
It's spicy."

"It's Pellegrino.

It's eight dollars.

You begged me for it.

And then you begged to hold my phone
with your dirty little biscuit fingers.

So that you could watch a YouTube video
of a Swedish white nationalist

play Mario Kart."

"Why are you so mean to me?"

"I'm not being mean, you're just tired."

"I'm not tired."

"Then why are you rubbing your eyes?"
"Because... they're spicy."

And you're like: "You know what?
It's just time for your bath."

They're like:
"I don't wanna take a bath...".

Somehow they dislocate
both of their shoulders, like...

They're like...

And then they take the bath.

And then they come downstairs
with their hair parted down to the side.

In their little footie pajamas,
to say goodnight.

And they're just like...

Like they're the goddamn president
of the living room.

So...

I wasn't sure about kids.

We're two months into the pandemic.
It's May.

I remember it was Mother's Day.
It was May 10th.

And we'd just been locked down.

And my girlfriend's like:
"We gotta get out of the house.

I'm losing my mind here."

So I was like: "Okay, great. Let's get out
of here. Let's go for a hike."

So we go to Topanga,
this beautiful part of Los Angeles.

We go for this gorgeous hike.

And the sky is blue, and there's, like,
little Simpsons clouds everywhere.

And the wild flowers are blooming.

And we haven't gone on a hike...
You know when you go on a hike,

and you walk by people, and you get, like,
little snippets of conversation?

And they're like:
"No, that crypto guy killed himself."

And you're like: "What?"

So needless to say,
it was a great day, and...

We come home, and I'm in a great mood.

And I look at Lily, and I'm like:
"What's going on?"

She's like:
"I don't wanna be that girl, but,

I just wanna have, like,
a conversation about our timeline.

Like, are we gonna get married,
are we gonna have kids?" And I'm like:

"I'll make you a mother right now!"

And I did.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So 42 is actually, like,
a very good age to have a kid.

It's actually, like,
the smartest age to have a child.

And, uh, we start planning everything.

And we get married. We eloped.

I don't know if anyone here
is thinking about getting married,

but I highly recommend eloping.

Uh, yeah...

I mean, the downside is
that your family can't be there,

but the upside is,
is that your family can't be there.

We got married on a cliff in Big Sur,
just the two of us.

It was beautiful.

Well, it was the two of us
and our wedding officiant,

who was a seagull. And...

Like, a really majestic seagull.

And he said some beautiful...

There is one thing he said,
that I will never forget.

He goes:

"Save tonight.

And fight the break of dawn.

Because come tomorrow,
tomorrow will be gone."

And I'm not trying to brag,

but the wedding officiant
was Seagull-Eye Cherry, and...

That's a joke for a very specific
demographic of people here.

So we got married on the cliff,

and then we went to the Redwoods
to do all the Jew shit, and...

I didn't have a glass, so I wrapped
a pinecone in a paper napkin

and stepped on it.

And three squirrels were like:
"Mazel tov."

And they were like hippie squirrels,
that had moved out to the bay

in the early sixties and then,
you know, stuck around

and then just got, like,
weirdly religious over time.

And we moved into a new house,
and we were nesting

and getting the nursery ready
and all that stuff.

And then it came time for us
to go have the baby.

Because it was so "us."
It was so both of us.

It was so 50-50.

'Cause Lily was in charge
of having the baby,

and I was in charge of snacks!

So we're in the hospital
and we're hanging out.

"Hanging out."
It was fucking intense, so...

But we're in there for a while,

and we're getting close,
and all of a sudden

my wife goes into active labor.

And you can just feel
the energy shift in the room.

And this new nurse,
who I have not seen at any point,

this ringer softball nurse
shows up out of nowhere,

and she's like: "Come on, Lily,
you can fucking do it! Let's go, baby!

You've got this, girl!
You've got this, girl!"

And I'm sitting there. Standing there.

Holding my wife's leg.

As she

gives birth to our son.

And...

It's...

It's the most amazing thing
I've ever seen.

It's like you're seeing life,
creation, begin.

And I know that might sound,
like, a little pro-life,

but it's really much more fucking pro-mom.

I've never seen anything
so majestic in my life.

And you watch a woman give birth...

And you're like: "That's why moms
pick up on the first ring."

So when you leave here tonight,
if you still have your mom,

text her, tell her you love her.

Or, even better,

give her a call.

Or even better than that,
call her on the way to something.

So there's a clear cut-off.

So we bring our son home.

And he's so fucking cute.

He's so adorable,
I mean, it's just like: "Oh my God."

He's so... He's so cute. He's hot.
I have a hot son.

'Cause he's like tiny and bald
and symmetrical.

And frankly,
he looks a lot like Jason Statham.

And...

We're having the best time.
When you have this new baby,

you just wanna squeeze,
you know what I mean.

"Oh my God,
give me this little baby. He's so cute!"

You just wanna slice off his cheeks
and spread them on Texas toast.

"Oh, he's so cute." He's got a little
soft spot on the top of his head.

You know, soft spots are real.
You realize that?

It's not like: "Oh, I've got a soft spot
for Neil Diamond."

It's like, no. Babies have a spot
on the top of their head,

where their skulls haven't fused.

And it's just like skin, and then brain.

And you can see their little pulse,
and it's so fucking cute.

I just wanna take a boba straw
and pop it right in there.

And suck his adorable little brains out.

Which, as a card-carrying member
of the Jewish Liberal Media Elite,

that's what QAnon
already thinks I'm doing.

All right, guys. That's it.
I'm Nick Kroll.

Thank you, Washington D.C.

Thank you to my wife.
Thank you to my son.

Thank you to my family.

Thank you all for coming out.
I really appreciate it.

This is like...

If you ever want...

...to see what I look like stressed out...

Watch me try to fucking
get into gear in a crosswalk.