All language subtitles for 6x14 - Family Affair

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

Remember when I came home
last week

and surprised you all
with new toothbrushes?

I do.

So does my diary.

Well, it was a trick.

I sent
your old toothbrushes away

to one of my radio-show
sponsors, DNA Quest.

They analyze your DNA

and tell you all
about your family background.

And they can even connect you

with relatives
that have also signed up.

Could it tell me that I'm
not related to my mother?

Because I would pay extra
for that.

I know this isn't a contest,
but I just won.

I'm 1/32 Native American.

Oh, this explains so much.

What does it explain, exactly?

My spirituality, my wisdom...

my connection to the land.

Oh, you know, this could
really help my career.

Oh, there's that spirituality!

Johnny Depp
has gotten lots of roles

because he's part Chickasaw.

The same thing
could happen to me.

Don't count on it.

You're no spring Chickasaw.

You never eat your olive.
Mm.

Never used to.

Now my heritage compels me

to use every part
of the martini.

Oh, my God!

I have a cousin
that I never even knew about

living right here in Cleveland.

A Dr. Mark Angelo.

Ooh, this is so exciting!

But don't you hate
most of your relatives?

Which is exactly why
I need new ones.

I should check him out
before I actually meet him.

Maybe I'll just go by his office
and see what kind of vibe I get.

And come straight home
and tell me all about it.

I have a diary to fill.

What about you two?
You haven't opened your packets.

That's because we know
what we'll find.

Polish, Polish...

English, English...

Oh, no.

It can't be.

Holy crap!

What?
What is it?

We're related.

# Ba-ba, ba-ba #

# Ba-ba, ba-ba #

# Hey! #

Maybe we're not related by blood

but to someone we both slept
with who used our toothbrushes.

Is that really better?

Well, you'll be happy to know
I have taken the first step

to connecting with
my Native American heritage.

My people contacted my people...

and I'll be sitting down

with the Ohio Native American
Council for a powwow.

Did they say "powwow"?

Because I don't think
you can say "powwow."

I can say it.
You can't.

Have you two
done any more research

into your
less interesting heritage?

We contacted an historian
who's an expert

on the area we're from
in Poland.

Pretty sure
he'll disprove our connection.

But it's science.

Toothbrush science.

Who trusts a toothbrush?

She's British.

We can't even prove she used it.

I simply refuse to believe

I'm related
to this ridiculous woman.

- Ahh!
- Ahh!

- Stop doing that!
- Stop doing that!

It's Melanie.

- Hello.
- I'm in my cousin's office now.

He is amazing.

He's a psychiatrist,
he plays guitar,

he's got Italian cookbooks...

And, oh, my God.
I'm looking at his picture now.

He's got that long-haired
beard thing that I love.

You know... like a hot Jesus.

Melanie, are you attracted
to your cousin?

No! No.

I'm... I'm just noticing
how sexy he is.

Yeah, well, just make sure
you have a good cover story

in case he comes back.

And not something
you can't get out of,

like pretending to be his...

Oh, hi.

You my 2:00?

Yes.
Yes, I am.

Patient.

Oh, my.

Is that a bird?

Yeah, this little guy got
stunned flying into the lobby,

but I gave him
some gentle palpitations,

and he's better now.

Ooh, ouch.
He's biting.

There you go.

Wow.

I noticed the guitar.

Do you play?

A little.

It helps me relax
between patients.

Would you play something for me?

I'm not very good.

Please?

Okay.
All right.

I'm a little rusty, but, um...

Like I said, I'm not very good.

But we are here
to talk about you.

You know,
I'm surprised to see you.

I thought you canceled
your appointment.

Yeah, I did.

And then I changed my mind,
'cause I'm wishy-washy.

That's part of my crazy.

We don't use that word here.

So, tell me
about Kesha Washington.

Who?

Ah, yes.

A lot of people come here
wondering who they are.

Oh, me.
Me, me.

I'm... I'm Kesha Washington.

That was a good first step.

Thank you for meeting
with us, Victoria.

I'm Bruce, director of publicity

for the Ohio
Native American Council.

This is my associate, Gerry.

Let me guess.

When you came
through Ellis Island,

they probably shortened it
from Geronimo.

No, it's short for Gerald.

None of us
came through Ellis Island.

That's why we're
Native Americans.

Oh.

We're thrilled
that someone as famous as you

has agreed to help us
with our cause.

We want to talk to you
about Chief Wahoo.

Chief Wahoo.
Wonderful man.

We want to get rid of him.

Oh, that Chief Wahoo.

No, he's terrible.

We're talking about the mascot
for the Cleveland Indians.

We find the grinning, red-faced
caricature to be offensive.

Oh, I can relate.

There's an insulting caricature
of me

at the Palm steak house
in Beverly Hills.

I mean, my nose is all wrong,

and they've got me
holding a breadstick.

As if.

It's a very high-profile issue,

so we can count on you
for your support?

Absolutely.

It's my duty to help my people.

And if I get national
recognition in the process,

well, I'll just have to live
with that.

We can schedule a press
conference as soon as tomorrow,

unless you need more time.

No, I'm ready,
but I will need a cheat sheet.

One time, I did promotion
for a movie without notes,

and I really embarrassed myself.

Boy, was my face...

its natural color.

We can trace both
of your bloodlines

back to the same village
in Eastern Poland.

Church records from 1829

refer to one woman
who was tall and sour-faced...

Sounds like you.

And another woman who was
voluptuous and quick of wit.

Sounds like me.

They were both
renowned drinkers.

Go on.

For years, their relationship
was fraught with tension,

with many letters outlining

their vehement hatred
of one another.

Then they realized
the source of their tension.

Which was?

A deep sexual attraction.

What the hell?

They were, in fact,

one of the earliest documented
open lesbian relationships.

But how does that
make us related?

We can't be descended
from two women.

They had a child together.

The tall one slept with
the voluptuous one's brother.

Typical.

Here is a photo of them
from the year 1832.

Wow. You are so comforting
and smart and easy to talk to.

I'd love to see you again.

How about tomorrow?

Yes.

Great.

What should I wear?

Whatever's comfortable.

It's just another appointment.

Appointment.

Yes.
Of course it's an appointment.

'Cause I'm your patient.

Kesha, right?

It's good
you're coming in tomorrow.

I brought you some tea.

Why are you being so nice?

You're skeeving me out.

I'm just trying
to diffuse the tension.

Oh, I'm sure you'd like
to diffuse the tension.

Can't we please turn
our attention to something else?

Well, my cousin's my shrink,

and I think
I'm in love with him.

That works for me.

We all fall in love
with our shrinks, but cousins?

Isn't that a bit unseemly?

Well, is it?

I just wish I knew
how closely related we were.

I mean, yeah, second cousins...
That would be gross,

but fourth or fifth cousins...

That would be fine, right?

I mean, it's not like
we're gonna have kids.

Ooh, I wonder if he wants kids.

He'd be a good dad.

Well, I have a new cause.

Has anyone here
heard of Chief Wahoo?

Yeah, he's the mascot
for the Cleveland Indians.

That's right,
and he's offensive,

and I am gonna help
get rid of him.

But he's the symbol
of the team...

which hasn't won a Series
since 1948.

Can him.

I feel so fulfilled,

and I owe it all
to your DNA test, Melanie.

Now, obviously, I resented you
stealing my toothbrush,

but now I understand that that's
just how the white man operates.

That's it!

I'll steal
my cousin's toothbrush

and get
a more detailed DNA test.

I'll just tell him he's got,
like, spinach in his teeth

or something, and then
after he brushes, I'll swipe it.

If you weren't seeing
a therapist,

I'd say
you should see a therapist.

No, I...
Look, if it doesn't work out,

I'll just get over him
with a different shrink.

A woman.

I can be sure
not to fall in love with her.

Why are you looking at us?

Because I'm talking to you.
Why are you acting so weird?

We're not acting weird.

You're the one trying
to get into your cousin's pants.

You two are acting
a little weird.

What did that historian
tell you?

Oh, you know, nothing much.

Oh, except we do have a relative
here in Ohio...

A young woman
who lives in Akron.

Oh, well, you got
to go meet her.

I mean, come on.
Aren't you two curious?

Curious?

Why did you use that word?

So, early in relationships,

when people only know
a little bit about each other,

they fill in the blank spots
with what they want to see.

As a painter,
when I look at a blank canvas...

You paint?

Well, I mean, I dabble.

That's beautiful.

What can't you do?

Besides brush your teeth.

Excuse me?

You have a little spinach
right there.

Oh, just give me a second.
I'll go brush.

Okay.

Do you ever paint nudes?

Hi.
Sorry I'm late.

It was hard to get in.
There's a huge protest outside.

I know.
They're protesting you.

What?
What did I do?

You're standing up
for what's right.

Chief Wahoo
is an offensive stereotype,

but some people love him.

Most people, really.

Wait a minute.

You mean there are two sides
to this issue?

- Nobody told me that.
- Oh, yeah.

Some of your fans
will hate you for this.

- What?
- You're up.

Everyone, please welcome
Victoria Chase.

As a proud Native American,
I am here today

to take a stand
on the issue of the mascot

of the Cleveland Indians,
Chief Wahoo...

who, some say,

portrays a negative image
of Native Americans.

And others say the opposite.

Thank you very much.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait.

Doesn't Chief Wahoo
offend your beliefs

as a proud Native American?

Well, yes.
Of course it's terrible.

But when you see
Chief Wahoo's smile,

I mean, he is so cute,
you just want to take him home.

And spank him!

To conclude...

he is offensive and adorable.

A racist cartoon
who can also inspire.

Thank you.

But, Ms. Chase,
you're not even taking a stand.

Okay.

I am gonna take a stand...

because there is an injustice
going on here,

and that injustice is people
coming to actors for an opinion.

Just because
we're better-looking than you

doesn't mean we know stuff.

When is the public
going to learn?

Let my people go.

So... how did I do?

The council conferred,
and we don't want

to be associated
with you anymore.

What?

You're... You're voting me out?

Yes.
The tribe has spoken.

Welcome back.

We are here
with Dr. Clifton Laird,

President of DNA Quest,
one of our sponsors.

Pleasure to be here, Melanie.

And as we say in the DNA world,

double the helix,
double the fun.

You know, speaking of fun,

here's a question
I'm sure you get asked a lot...

When is it okay
for cousins to date?

Actually, I don't get asked
that question a lot.

Fourth cousins?
Third cousins?

You know,
scientifically speaking,

where's the creepy line?

I-I don't know.

Uh, but I do know that
we've got a surprise for you.

We tested your DNA, and we
discovered you have a relative

whom you've never met
living right here

in the Cleveland area.

His name is Dr. Mark Angelo,

and he'll be joining us
in the studio right now.

What? No.
Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Kesha?

Actually,
it's pronounced "Melanie."

Listeners, I must tell you,
it is so surprising

to meet a relative that
I have never, ever seen before.

Yes.
I'm surprised by this, too.

Yeah, I wonder if we have
the same family traits.

You know... Like in my family.

We sometimes do strange things

that have
perfectly good explanations.

Well, in my family,

when someone tells us
who they are, we believe them.

In my family, we open presents
on Christmas Eve.

Which reminds us
that it is never too early

to give the gift
of forgiveness...

when someone says,

"I am so, so sorry."

- Something's buzzing.
- Yeah, it's nothing.

Is that an electric toothbrush?

I don't have an electric
toothbrush in my purse.

That would be embarrassing.

No, what it is,
is I'm a single woman,

and sometimes at work
I get tense.

Oh, it's a vibrator.

Can we just please
go to commercial?!

Okay, I'm just... I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.

I'm not Kesha.

I gathered that.

And it's not a vibrator
in my purse.

It is an electric toothbrush.

- What do you do about the tens...
- I just hold it in!

It's your toothbrush,
and I stole it because I wanted

to test your DNA further to find
out how closely related we are

because I have
a little crush on you.

And I know you don't like
to use the word "crazy"...

No, no, in this case, "crazy"
sounds like the perfect word.

This is so weird.

We're gonna meet
someone with our DNA.

It's almost like meeting
our child.

The only thing I know
is her name,

so I'll have to use
my detective skills

to figure out
which one is Jessica.

Hey, Jessica!

That's her!

She's coming over.
Act normal.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Hi.
What can I get you?

Two beers, please.

Got it.

So, Jessica,
how long have you worked here?

Oh, not long.

I'm only waiting tables

to put myself
through veterinary school.

Oh, what a wonderful child.

And what
a beautiful engagement ring.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

You know, I'm always
a little self-conscious

because my hands are so big.

I think they're perfect.

I think you're perfect.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll get your drinks.

We did good, Joy.

We really did.

Thank you.

Jessica, you're late.

I know, I know.

Shut up.

What if she's our Jessica?

She is not our Jessica.

Right, the sweet animal lover
is ours.

We have nothing in common
with that mess.

- I'll drink to that.
- Mm.

We never saw that.
Let's get out of here.

Well, the press conference
wasn't a complete disaster.

I'm really proud
of my newfound heritage,

and I almost stood up for
something, and that feels good.

And Elka and I have adjusted
to being blood relatives.

It's changed
the way I look at Joy.

Oh, that's sweet.

Now I see her as an organ farm.

I'll get it.

Hi.
Dr. Angelo.

Hi.

Can we talk?

Sure. Sure.

Earlier, you said
you wanted to know

how closely related we were,

so I had a friend
at the university test my DNA.

And?

We're twins.

What?!

I'm kidding.

Wow.
You are gullible.

Yeah, that's true.

So, turns out
you and I only share

one ancestor
from the 17th century,

so we are
very distant relatives.

Good to know.

Can I ask what made you
do the test?

Well, I wouldn't let myself
think about you

till I knew the truth.

Honestly, you weren't
the only inappropriate one.

Really?

You were so pretty
when I first saw you,

I hoped you weren't my patient.

Then I showed off
with my guitar.

I even called my therapist
about asking you out.

What did he say?

He advised against it.

Oh.

I don't always listen to my dad.

I mean my therapist.

I may have issues, too.

So, are you asking me out?

I'm asking you to marry me.

What?

Oh, I really am gullible,
aren't I?

# Hey! #

# Ba-ba, ba-ba #

# Ba-ba, ba-ba #

# Ah, ah, ah #

# Ba-ba, ba-ba #

# Ba-ba, ba-ba #

# Ah, ah, ah #

# Hey! #