All language subtitles for Lewis.Black.In.God.We.Rust.2012.1080p.Bluray.x264-DeBTViD

It's unbelievable.

[laughter]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪

Subtitles & Sync By
FridayToker

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lewis Black.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

Yeah, wait.

You're... no,
you're starting to freak me out.

Thank you.

All I can say is, it must have
been a really shitty winter.

This is more than I can handle.

But it is always good to be back
in Minneapolis, you know?

[cheers and applause]

But I've got to say that, uh,

to be honest,
you're more excited to see me,

than I've ever been
to see myself.

This is a fun evening for you.

I have to live with this shit
every moment,

and it's fucking exhausting.

You know,
every morning I get up

and stumble into the bathroom
and brush my teeth,

and eventually I have
the courage to open my eyes

and look in the mirror,
and I go, "Fuck!"

"You again?"

Before we, uh...

before we continue,
I just want to take a moment

to warn those of you
in the crowd this evening

that have really
never seen my comedy.

'Cause this could be
a long night for you.

I..

[cheers and applause]

I know...

I know that you're out there.

You sneak in.

You've had friends of yours
who said, "Hey, come along."

This will really be
a lot of fun."

You just may need
to find new friends.

And I'm sure there's a website
where you can do that.

Then of course there's those of
you who've seen me on YouTube,

and on any...
Comedy Central...

any of the things
that are out there

that you can catch me on,

and you think from those bits
and pieces you know my comedy,

and you don't!

Finally of course there are
those of you who read the paper,

saw somewhere that a comedian

was coming to the State Theatre,

and wouldn't that
be a fun night out?

You're fucked.

The discourse in this country
has completely disintegrated

in the past few years

and has really
reached the point where,

when I listen to both sides,

what I actually hear
are dogs barking.

I'm serious... I wish they just
brought out dogs

to bark at each other,

and a different breed
every week.

You know,

[barking noises]

It would be great.

But as a result of that
discourse going to hell,

I have discovered
that members of the audience,

during my set,
will actually get up

and storm out of the room,

and that pisses me off!

Because in my heart,
I am an entertainer,

and that kind of shit
will not go down with me.

But then I began to understand

that people,
when they come to see me,

they're coming to see a comic,

and so they expect

the comic to be funny,

and who can blame them for that?

But I really am
a different kind of a comic.

A lot of the shit that comes out
of my mouth isn't fucking funny,

and yet, people
laugh their tits off at it.

So if you're sitting there,

and I say something
that upsets you, disturbs you,

irritates you, angers you,

don't you dare...
I mean, don't you dare...

get out of your seat
and storm out of the room

like some sissy fucking pansy.

You sit there,

because I have just wasted
some of my time with you

explaining to you
that I agree with you.

[cheers and applause]

Another way I could put this
is that we...

I was recently performing
in Wendover, Nevada.

I can tell
by your stunned silence,

you don't even know
what I'm talking about.

There really is a city;
It's called Wendover.

Yes, it's in Nevada.

How did you miss it?

And it takes an entertainer
with a lot of courage

to end up in Wendover.

I like to perform in places

that nobody in their
right fucking mind would go to,

and I love Wendover,

and the reason you haven't
heard of it

is because it's a shithole.

No, you know a place
is a shithole

when the people who live there
have nicknamed the place.

So you say,
"Great to be in Wendover,"

and they go,
"No, Bendover."

It's truly in one of my top
three places to kill yourself.

If you're thinking of suicide,

you may want to hop
about six planes

to get there tomorrow,

and what you will see is

seven casinos, trailer parks
as far as the eye can see,

no foliage...
no foliage anywhere!

And you will take
a good look around

and realize that there's nothing

to distract you
from your mission.

You'll hop right to it.

Or it may work
to your advantage.

You'll take a look around
and go, "Wow."

I thought my life was shitty."

Wendover is located right...
and I mean right...

smack dab on the border
of Utah.

Now, why would they build
seven casinos

on the border of Utah?

Hmm?

Who lives there?

Mormons and people in
the witness protection program.

So they built it so that Mormons
could sneak in to gamble.

And I saw them,
as night was falling,

coming over the hills
in their covered wagons.

If you're looking
for a newspaper

that you can read every day

and feel absolutely great
when you finish it,

it's The Wendover Times.

It has no news.

None.

I don't even know
why they call it a newspaper.

It just should be called paper

or el papel, if you will.

They...
they had a picture of me

on the front page.

I guess to warn
the good people of Wendover

that a Jew had arrived
in town...

and so there might be sarcasm
in the area.

They said, about my comedy,

that "he is known
for his comedy style,"

which often includes
mental breakdowns."

[cheers and applause]

That's... that's certainly
a press clipping

you want to send home to Mom.

Who were they trying to attract
to the theatre?

The clinically insane?

Someone who's been
locked up for years

'cause they have
16 personalities?

They get a copy
of The Wendover Times.

"Look who's coming to town.
Lewis Black, I love...

"He's a piece of shit.

"I've never liked
that son of a bitch.

"Hey, everybody calm down.

I think it's time for lunch."

That argument
could go on for weeks.

So if at any point
during my act,

I pull out a kazoo
and shove it up my ass

and begin playing
The Star-Spangled Banner,

you have nothing to worry about.

It's all just a part of my act.

As I've grown older,

each year I've dropped holidays
from my calendar

that I don't think
apply any more.

And this year, I'm proud to say

that I dropped Valentine's Day.

[cheers and applause]

Now, let's get it...
clear things up.

I'm not saying we shouldn't
have a holiday of love,

just not in fucking February!

It doesn't belong there.
It does not belong there.

And if you ladies
want this holiday...

because it's your holiday.

We're not gonna even argue
about that, are we?

Because if you don't realize

that men
don't give a shit about it...

and they don't,

and if your husband
is telling you that he does,

then you have tortured him

like some kind of
prisoner of war.

It's February.

The holiday doesn't belong
in February.

When should we celebrate it?

In the spring,

when a man can
feel his nuts again.

It's February.

It's the most depressing month
of the year.

How do we know that?

Because we made it shorter,

and it still seems
fucking longer.

Sometimes it's endless.

Why would you pick the most
depressing month of the year

to remind many people...

they're alone?

It's six weeks

after Christmas.

Really?

Are you kidding me?

Didn't I just buy you
a splendid

pile of shit?

I spent months
putting it together.

Going to speciality stores.
I got online.

Went to the mall to make sure
you got everything

your little heart desired,

and I wrapped each and every
one of them,

'cause I didn't want to have
that fucking argument again.

[cheers and applause]

It's not a-a-a present

unless you wrap it.

You said they were the nicest
gifts you'd ever received.

You said it was

the most wonderful Christmas
of your life.

And now, six weeks later,

you have the balls

to come to me and say,

[moaning]

"it wasn't enough."

Well, my little gumdrop,

I've got a surprise for you.

Go fuck yourself!

[cheers and applause]

It's February.

It's the height of flu season.

"Honey, do you love me?"

[coughing]

"I'll tell you when I can get
the hawk out of my throat."

"We're gonna go to a really nice
restaurant, aren't we?

And have
a really romantic meal?"

"Oh, yeah."

"We're gonna go to the nicest
restaurant on the planet,"

"because money's no object,"

“cause that's how much
I love you.

"And we're gonna do that

"when I can get to the car...

without shitting my pants!"

Happy Valentine's Day.

[cheers and applause]

I, um...

I had a revelation
the Christmas before last.

It occurred when a terrorist

got on a plane with explosives

strapped around his dick!

And his mission was
to blow up...

Detroit.

Uh...

I was waiting.

Some of you didn't seem to get
that that was the punchline.

I mean, he'd have been
hard-pressed

to find a building left
to blow up.

It's unbelievable to me.

I wondered for a long time,

you know, why Detroit?

And it was
just recently revealed

that he was planning

on going to Houston or Chicago,

but that the ticket to Detroit
was cheaper.

As frightening as that was,
just as frightening

was what occurred
right afterwards.

It occurs whenever there's
a terrorist threat or attack.

The T.S.A... Homeland Security...
has a breakdown.

It's the debate

that goes on between the
Democrats and the Republicans

over which party

is better equipped
to protect us,

the American people,

from terrorism.

If you truly believe

that your party...

after all that has transpired...

that you believe
that your party

is better-equipped
than the other party

to protect us from terrorism,

then you... and I'm
saying this as a friend...

are fucking delusional!

There's nothing to be debated.

Okay?

You better fucking get that now.

If you...
if you don't get this...

if you don't realize
that both parties

have a vested interest

in keeping us,
the American people, alive,

then you've missed the point.

They need us to keep living

so that those idiots

will have someone
to fucking talk to,

because if we die,

they will only have themselves
to talk to,

and then they will die.

What has to happen

when something like that occurs

is that both parties
have to then

go off together and discuss
what needs to be done.

If they really, desperately,
need to debate,

then each party should
pick someone

to tell us which of them
has the better nipples.

We don't have time
for that debate.

Why?

Because we Americans
have shit to do.

[cheers and applause]

it's...
look, the...

the reason I know that
neither party is better-equipped

than the other party
in terms of protecting us,

is because both parties

were to blame for what happened
on that day,

and how do I know that?

Because of a...

and now I'm gonna say a word

that's gonna come
as a shock to you.

I know it because of a...

fact.

That's a word you never hear.

Democrats and Republicans
believe that what they tell you

about the fact
is actually the fact itself,

and it isn't a fucking fact!

The fact is...

the fact is, is that
both parties were to blame

because neither parties,

in the 8 'I, - "2 years from 9,-" I 1

were capable
of getting the list of names

of all of the terrorists
and the would-be terrorists

to all of the airports
in the world.

They...
they just couldn't do it.

I don't think you understand

how long 8 'I, -"2 years
really is, do you'?

Imagine if your child

came back from college

and then spent
the next 8 'I, -"2 years with you.

It would even feel like 20,
wouldn't it?

8 'I, -"2 years.

Meanwhile, during that time,

cell phone companies
were capable

of turning my cell phone
into a fucking television set!

But the Democrats...

and the Republicans
couldn't get it out.

They just couldn't get it done.

It was too hard!

Makes me squeeze my pee-pee,
that's how hard it was.

What, did they... did the fuckers
run out of mimeo paper?

There was nobody around
to collate?

8 'I, -"2 years ago

I could've gotten a barge

and taken it to the harbour
of New York City,

where I live,
and in that barge,

I could've filled it up
with donkeys

stem to stern,
packed with donkeys,

and on the back
of each and every donkey

would be a list of the names
of all the terrorists...

or would-be terrorists...
and I could've

pushed that barge
away from shore,

and I believe
that in that 8 'I, -"2 years

one of those donkeys,
just by accident,

would've stumbled
into an airport somewhere.

[cheers and applause]

The other reason that I know
that both parties were to blame

"is because neither the Democrats
nor the Republicans"

or anyone that we have, um,
that we have hired,

whose job it is on a daily basis
to come up with scenarios

over what a terrorist might do...
that nobody,

nobody within the borders
of the United States,

at any time had the thought

that there would be a terrorist
with explosives

strapped around his dick!

And that he would try
to blow up Detroit.

Maybe the homeless guy
on my block...

who wears aluminium foil
on his head

in order to protect himself
from electromagnetic waves...

and who among us
can blame him for that...

maybe on his rounds, he stopped

at a fire hydrant and went,

"You know,
I have it on good authority

"that there's a terrorist
with explosives

"strapped around his dick,

"and he's gonna blow up Detroit.

Don't tell anybody."

Since 9,-"I 1, it is harder for us

to focus on terrorism,
which is why it's important

that the Democrats and
the Republicans do their job.

It's harder for us because
we've become more distracted.

There are distractions
everywhere.

It doesn't help to say to us,

"You, the American people,
keep an eye out."

What?
We're not?

And a lot of people,
when they see something odd,

think, like,
especially in your state,

in Minneapolis,
'cause you guys empathize

with fucking anything.

It's... seriously, how else
do you elect Michele Bachmann?

[cheers and applause]

"Oh, I-I know... I know
she sounds crazy,

but maybe it's just me."

I mean, it doesn't help us

when some of the guidelines
that seem to be out there

are things like,
when you go to the airport,

and you're travelling
internationally,

and they say, uh,
"Did a stranger pack your bags?"

How does that help you
find a terrorist?

Because if the person
answers yes,

you've learned one thing:

That person is
fucking out of their mind.

"Oh, yeah,
I got out the phone book,

"and I...
I'm so tired of packing myself.

"And I just flipped
to a page and closed my eyes,

"and they came right over,

"and they do a nice thing
with socks,

and I finally learned
how to fold my T-shirts."

We are distracted.

You explain how it's possible

that I don't watch
the Jersey Shore ever,

and yet I know the names

of all the people on that show.

[cheers and applause]

I don't think that's right.

Even if I didn't have
a television or an internet

or a cell phone,
or any other way

that I could be communicated
with about... about them...

if I had none of those,
I would still know the names

of two of them.

Just by walking into
a book-store,

which is where I saw
that Snooki and JWoww

had both written books.

What kind of fucking names
are Snooki and JWoww?

What adult names their child
after a snack treat?

I'm in a book-store.

Faulkner.

Hemingway.

Tolstoy.

Jwoww!
Snooki?

Are you shitting me?

Makes me...

makes me pine for Wendover.

Another way
that we're distracted

is that many Americans

spend a lot of time

downloading apps...
or applications...

into their phone,

and they want to get
just the right amount

so that they will feel
like a whole person.

I can tell by the puzzled look
on some of your faces

that you don't know
what the fuck I'm talking about.

That's 'cause
I'm really cutting-edge.

If you don't know what an app...
or an application... is,

when you get home tonight,
I want you to get down

on your hands and knees

and thank whatever god it is
that you pray to

for the fact that you don't know
what an application is.

Because...

[cheers and applause]

Because...

you will maintain
a portion of your brain

that will serve you in good
stead until the day you die.

But some of you out there
better watch

just how many applications

you're downloading
into your phone,

because I believe there is
a critical mass

that you will reach,

and when you do that,

that part of your brain
will die!

And you will lay in bed
at night and go,

"Whoo.
I didn't have a thought today."

One of the, uh...

one of the most popular
applications that there is

is the... the...
and there's a variety

of people who put them out...

it's the application that allows
you to tap into your phone

the following:

"Where is the best place to eat
sushi in this neighbourhood?"

And your phone will tell you.

I believe, if you're standing
on any block in America,

and you're asking
an inanimate object,

where's the best place
to get raw fish,

you've lost your fucking mind.

I know about losing one's mind,
because when I was younger,

I took LSD just to prepare me

for the technological
revolution.

I-I would never tell anyone
to try LSD.

It is not a drug
you suggest to people.

It scared the shit out of me,

because for 30 minutes
while on it,

I lost my name.

That's right.

It's a lot different
than forgetting your name.

If you forget your name,
it's still in here.

You may find it.

If you lose your name,
it's out there.

It could be anywhere,
and you may need

to buy a plane ticket
to go find it.

And you can't turn
to your friends,

'cause they're on LSD.

They're having a cosmic
conversation about something,

and you can't bust in and go,

"Holy shit!

Do any of you remember
my fucking name?"

Because then they will try
to remember your name,

and they will forget their name,

and now none of you have names,

and you will never
get home again.

30, uh...
30 minutes.

If you lost your name
for 30 minutes

by just, you know, real time...
the watch...

that would be staggering.

But 30 minutes in LSD time...

is 27 years,

during which, apparently,
I was given a medal for valour

for my service in World War ll,

and oddly enough,
I wasn't even born then.

Then I remembered
I had a wallet.

Son of a bitch, was I clever.

I reached for it,
and just before I opened it,

I panicked.

I thought, "Holy fuck."

What if there's nothing in there
but Monopoly cards?"

As crazy and as far gone
as I was at that point in time,

it never occurred to me

to turn to the rotary phone
and say, "Hey."

"Do you know where
the best place

to eat raw fish is
in this town?"

[cheers and applause]

There are a variety
of applications that you can buy

that will give you
that information.

People download it,

and they think they know
where the application came from,

and they don't.

Because where was it
downloaded from?

From the air.

You don't know
who wrote the application,

and yet you're following it.

It's probably some grad student

living in Wisconsin,
who needs ten bucks and hour

and who's spending half the day
masturbating.

"Oh, yeah, son of a bitch.

I'll tell you where you can find
sushi, asshole."

Meanwhile, people are walking
all around you,

and they actually live
in the neighbourhood.

You could ask ten of them,

and then you could go eat
at the sushi place,

and if you don't like it,
you know who told you,

and you can beat the shit
out of them.

There's only one application
that I really want.

I need it..
I need..

I need it
for when I'm at the airport,

because I spend
way too much time there,

and it's...

it... it...
it doesn't work out well for me.

I believe, when you read
in the paper about me,

it'll be something
to the effect of,

"Noted Comedian Found
Shitting on Conveyor Belt."

I just want you
to think kindly of me.

Because I can't handle it.
I can't.

I'm there too much,

and when you have to...
on an almost daily basis...

watch people who are
flying out of the airport

who maybe take a trip
once or twice a year

and just don't get it,
where you hear questions like,

"Well, um,
why can't I bring my lawnmower?

I left the gasoline at home."

The T.S.A. Is bombarded
with people

on a daily basis, and all
I want to do is help them out.

I think the federal government
should download

the list of names
of all the terrorists

and would-be terrorists...

and their photos,
if they have them...

or, if they're on Facebook,
even better!

Because you can never have
too many friends.

So that I can sit there
and keep an eye out

for these bastards.

But...
you know, um,

right after... after the terrorist
with the explosives

strapped around his dick...
and let me just say,

I would've liked to have been
a fly on the wall

when they convinced him
to blow his dick off.

Seriously.

That is a seminar.

Tony Robbins, my ass.

Right after that occurred,

they finally brought into
the airports the body scanner.

That seemed to upset people,

and I felt it was
an important step,

because somebody could show up
with a wick

coming out of their dick

and a bomb up their ass.

That's a scenario.

I thought of it.

It's a scenario.

Because that body scanner
takes a picture of you naked

just for an instant,

and that upset
a lot of Americans.

I'm at the airport too much.

I don't give a fuck if...
naked, I don't give a shit.

I... are you kidding me?

Anything that gets me through
that line fucking faster.

Three years after 9,-"I 1...
three years...

I knew all the members
of the T.S.A.

At my airport in Newark,

and so finally, I just finally
went to them and said,

"Look, can we cut a deal here?

If I show up naked,
can I skip the line?"

[cheers and applause]

Now...

there's a group of people who
are also upset by this scanner.

Because in order to take
that picture of you,

you get a little radiation,

and that worries some folks,

and I know it 'cause I can
hear them discussing it

on their cell phones.

At what point...
at what point don't you get it?

A little radiation scares you?

How the fuck
do you go to a dentist?

The dentist says, "Uh,
we're gonna X-ray your teeth."

We're gonna give you
a little radiation."

And then him and the assistant

leap and hide
behind a lead bunker.

Now...

I used to have an iPhone.

And it was a great computer.

It was in no way a phone,

because the carrier was AT&T,
and AT&T is a carrier

in much the same way
as a mosquito carries malaria.

[cheers and applause]

I'd been better off
with a Dixie cup and a string.

I finally took it
over to the Apple store

to see if there was something
they could do.

And, um...

let me just say,
if you're interested

in what life is like
on other planets,

you're gonna want to get
to the Apple store.

They are not of us.

[speaking softly]
They have no genitals.

[mouthing words]

It's why they stand so close.

They're sniffing you.

It's how they get their data.

Yes, it is.

So I was standing
in the Apple store,

and a capon came up to me.

"I see you have an iPhone.

How many applications have you
downloaded into your phone?"

[sniffing]

"Well, I haven't downloaded any."

"I came here to see
if you had an app"

"that would turn this piece
of shit into a fucking phone!"

"Now, if you can do me a favour
and start running,

I want to see if it works
as a missile."

John Bowman... my good friend
and a great comic...

told me this story.

He went to the Apple store
to do some business,

and he gave the woman...
the saleslady...

a credit card.

And she looked at it,
and she went,

"John Bow-man."

He said,
"Uh, no, it's John Bo-man."

And she said,
"John Bow-man.”."

They know.

They know better than we do.

I live six blocks
from Times Square.

I live in the heart
of New York City.

And this phone...

[scattered applause]

this phone...

would not work in my apartment.

My conversations were like,

[garbled speech]

This is how fucked up I was:

I bought a land-line so I could
keep my fucking phone.

I broke with AT&T when they
announced that you could buy...

for your home...
a transmitter for $200.

A $200 transmitter
so that you could help AT&T

build the infrastructure
you thought you were getting

when you bought
the piece of shit.

[cheers and applause]

I don't think...
we don't know, do we,

what a cell phone does to us?

Imagine what
a transmitter will do

I believe that your shit
will be glowing in a week.

"Honey, have we been eating
phosphorus?"

Here's the kicker:

AT&T is then gonna charge you
$12 a month

to use the transmitter
you already bought from them,

so that AT&T successfully turned
your cell phone

back into a fucking land-line,
asshole.

I finally went down to AT&T
and quit.

And you can't.
You can't quit a contract.

Okay?
Don't even fucking try it.

You quit your contract,

they will find you
and shoot you in the leg.

So I went down to Verizon,

and I got myself a Droid.

[cheers and applause]

Don't you ever...

ever

applaud
an inanimate object again.

I believe

that's why they have that
section about the golden calf...

in the Bible.

What did you think
I was gonna do,

launch into some commercial
for this?

"Oh, yeah.
I couldn't be happier.

"When I got my Droid,
it changed my life.

"Three days later,
I accepted Christ into my heart

as my one true saviour."

[cheers and applause]

And Droid is the one
with the Jesus app.

Even if you get rid of it,

every Easter Sunday
he comes back again.

When I first got the Droid,
I was as happy as you folks,

who still are happy.

Not me... I mean, at first
I was very happy about it.

It's a great phone
and a tremendous computer,

and when you turned it on,
it said its name.

[in robotic voice]
"Droid."

I keep it here in my pocket.

I wish it would say,

[in robotic voice]
"Groin."

Then I'd always know
where it is.

I don't think it's really smart
to keep a phone this large

and a screen that big
right next to your nut sack.

I believe my sperm are dying.

I hear them weeping
every morning.

"Son of a bitch, Lew.
It's hot as hell down here.

"God damn it, it's like the sun
is out 24 hours a day.

"Get us some water.

"I don't think
we're gonna make it

to the top of the hill again."

The Droid is unbelievable.

Because it actually has
a series of panels.

You just touch the phone
like this... like fucking magic...

and a new panel would appear
with all sorts of icons on it.

They do all sorts of things.

I-I don't even know what half
of those fucking icons do,

and I'm not gonna touch one
I don't know,

because I don't want to enter
an alternative universe.

A few days
after my warranty expired,

so did the fucking phone.

It froze on Visual Voice Mail,

and I could not
use the phone any more

to make calls.

I believe that my phone
was trying to torment me.

Here are all the people
you have to call,

And you can't.

[laughs]

I took it down
to the folks at Verizon.

They said, "Mm, been having
trouble with that phone?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Well, to be honest"...
and I'm quoting...

"we've been having some trouble
with the Droid."

And you fucking sold it to me!

"Well, we can fix it.

We have a download."

"Oh, you do?
Here."

"Let me put it here."

"Is that where you're gonna
shit on it?"

They were not happy with me.

They took the phone from me and
put it on a life-support system.

And it...

it died.

But then,
in just a few minutes,

it started to come back to life,

and the colours were brighter
than I remembered.

"Oh, my god.
They've brought it back.

They've given me my Droid back."

I immediately hit
one of the text icons

to be sure that I could
tell my friends

I was back in communication,

but nothing showed up
about texting.

What showed up
was all of my email.

Pretty fucking strange.

Then I hit the email icon,

and my emails didn't show up.

What showed up was a face
of some big-headed guy,

some... a-a Facebook...
it was his Facebook page.

He wasn't even
my fucking friend.

I wasn't his friend.

Did my phone want me
to communicate with him?

I decided, "You know, I just
want to use it as a phone."

That'll be fine."

And so I tapped in the first
three numbers of my call,

and Visual Voice Mail came up.

The gentlemen from Verizon

who were looking
over my shoulder said,

"Wow.
That really is a piece of shit."

"We're gonna give you
a new phone."

"No, you're not."

"I don't think you realize
what's happened here today."

"This is historic."

"MY phone my Phone,"

"is beginning to exhibit signs
of free will."

"I have to learn
to communicate with it."

"I don't have children,"

and this could be
my last chance.

"I'm gonna raise
this little son of a bitch,"

"and he's gonna be great,"

"and I'm gonna call him...
'Groin'."

[cheers and applause]

I am old.

I used to think it had to do
with the calendar.

It doesn't.

It's something you know.

It's something that happens.
You... it's...

you're young, you're young,
you're young,

and then you wake up one day,

and you're fucking old!

Are you shitting me?

Two slices of mushroom pizza,

and it's come to this.

Nothing irritates me more

than when I'm watching
a celebrity on TV

who's about my age,
and they go, "You know,"

I just turned 64, and I've never
felt better in my life."

Really, douche bag?

This is the best
you've ever felt?

What was your childhood like?

Did you have polio and
they kept you in an iron lung

until you were 21?

And then when you got out,
they covered you with ticks,

and your parents just
got the last one off yesterday?

I don't know what you see
when you look in a mirror,

but I'm looking at you,

and you look like shit!

You've got ten hairs, and three
are coming out of your nose.

You got a gizzard on you
that makes me think

that a turkey's gonna be
fucking you in the ass.

I know why you've never
felt better in your life.

You have Alzheimer's.

There's some folks

who seem to be just timeless.

That age doesn't affect them
at all.

One in particular...
one that I met...

is Ringo Starr, who's...
who just turned 70.

70, and you'd have
no fucking idea.

I met him because I was invited
to his birthday party

for reasons I will
never fucking understand.

He performed that night,
and he was unbelievable.

He was astonishing.

And then I went
to the party afterwards.

And it was filled with
the legends of rock and roll.

Rock and roll
is like a religion to me,

so it felt like it was
a cathedral,

which is an odd thing
for a Jew to say.

But "synagogue of rock and roll"

really doesn't
trip off the tongue, does it?

The first concert tour
that I ever saw as a kid

was the first concert tour
of the United States

taken by the Rolling Stones,

and 12 feet away from me
was Keith Richards.

I couldn't believe it,

and so I thought I should
talk to him,

but I got five feet away,
and he turned,

and he looked like he just
broke out of Jurassic Park

I thought he was gonna
swoop down

and grab me by the neck

and take me around the room
and tear my throat out,

and then would begin a blood-lust
that would never end.

They finally said to me,

"Ringo Starr would like
to meet you."

And I thought, "Wow."

And I'm not starstruck,
but I did try to prepare myself,

and it didn't work.

I went up and shook his hands,
and I said,

[garbled speech]

It was like
an AT&T conversation.

So the handlers quickly got me
out of the room,

and I-I ended up
going into another room

as I was trying to leave,

and the only people there
were myself,

and I'm looking
at a very beautiful blonde,

and next to her
is Paul McCartney.

I'm looking at Paul,
and he is looking at me,

and then he winked at me.

Now, what do you do when
Paul McCartney winks at you?

You wink the fuck back.

You don't think about it,
you just...

both eyes.

I went home that...
that night, and, uh,

I lay in my bed
and I realized that, uh...

maybe I wasn't old.

Because deep, deep in my chest
beat the heart

of a 12-year-old girl.

I...

And that night, I menstruated.

It's not as bad as they say.

One of the reasons
that I feel that we...

that we age in this country...
is because

from the time you're born
until the day you die,

you listen to the same arguments
over and over

and over and over again.

They never end.

They don't.

Major issues, we bang 'em
back-and-forth all the time.

We're a democracy,

and that's what you do.

That's one of the prices we pay
for having a democracy,

is to discuss things
until our ears bleed.

They even make laws.

That doesn't even bother people.

They continue to go,
"That's a bunch of shit.

I'm not gonna...
fuck you."

We don't decide much, do we?

We really don't seem to.

We really seem to be
just happy arguing,

and you younger members
of the audience,

the argument that you're going
to listen to your entire life...

and I guarantee it... is
the argument over gay marriage.

There are states
that already passed the law

and then went,
"Oh, we made a mistake,"

and changed it again,

and that will continue
until the day you fucking die,

and then you will go wherever
it is you go, far, far away,

and even when you're there
you will still hear from here.

"That son of a bitch.
We're gonna have to do that."

"It's gonna be fucking
gay marriage... shit, I can't..."

What the fuck?

One of the major arguments
in my lifetime

was the... is the argument
that we have over health

and how we
take care of ourselves.

It's gone on and on and on.

The reason we're at
where we're at

is because,
way before I was born,

the decision was made

that because we're
a capitalist country,

that, um, health should be seen

as a profit-making institution.

That's the way people saw it.

That's why it's so odd

that we're actually
having an argument

over something that was decided
long, long ago,

and there's still people
who defend that.

Now, I'm not sure
that health is...

uh, a profit institution.

It... I'm not sure.

[cheers and applause]

Because... because,

it's what stands between you

and fucking dropping dead!

It's not soy-beans, is it?

It's not fucking, uh, uh,
fucking bottled water.

It's not god damn
cell phone coverage,

Time Warner shit...
it's none of that.

It's your health,

and I know it's not a commodity

because you've never stopped
at a red light

and had a crack addict
come up to you and go,

"Hey, uh, can I sell you
some of my health?"

In the centre of the debate
over health care

was one of the...

is the major argument
of my lifetime.

It's the most
inflammatory argument

that we go through as a people,

and that is the one argument
that we have over abortion.

Let me just say as a comic,

nothing... nothing at all
gives me as much pleasure

as to say to a group of people

who've come to be entertained,

"Abortion."

I take great joy in it

because I say the word,

and then I hear every anus
in the room snap shut.

What a joy...

it just shuts you fuckers up.

Then of course there are those
who don't know my comedy

and are going,
"Boy, this would be a good time

for him
to bring that kazoo out."

And as always, there are people
in the room who go,

"You know, he just says
the word 'fuck' too much.

Well, after I said the word,
you know, "abortion,"

"fuck" seems like a festival,
doesn't it?

When I was young...
when I was young, um,

you would... you could be
pro-abortion or anti-abortion,

and now, 62 years later,

you can be pro-choice
or you can be pro-life,

and that is what
we've accomplished

during my lifetime.

We've made no decision
as to when life begins... none.

Every other civilized country
on the planet's done it.

But it's, you know,
it's hard for us.

We can't get the names
of all the terrorists

to all the airports,
so this one... whoo...

is a real brainteaser.

And since we don't know
and haven't decided

when life begins,

then, to be honest,

I don't know
if I'm really here.

But I do know I've never
felt better in my life!

[cheers and applause]

I have some really good news
for you.

The economy is turning around.

I know... I can...

you know, you've missed it,
haven't you?

You were waiting
for your ears to thaw,

and you may have missed it.

But it's true.

I know this,
and it should have been...

you know,
it should have been, really,

on the front page of the paper,
and it wasn't,

and we know that the economy
is turning around

because Facebook...

is gonna be worth $50 billion.

Wow, it depresses me
that you don't understand

how good that news
that I'm bringing to you now.

How do you miss it?

Because if Facebook
is gonna be worth $50 billion,

imagine what real shit's
gonna be worth.

[cheers and applause]

The reason we know that Facebook
is gonna be worth $50 billion...

and if China signs on,
it could be worth $200 billion.

How do we know that?

Because the most trusted name
in financial institutions,

Goldman Sachs, has told us,

and they're never wrong.

They aren't.

They started the tech bubble,
and they made away like bandits,

and then they were
deeply involved

in that mortgage bubble,

and they sold shitty mortgages

and realized finally that
the mortgages they were selling

were so shitty that they would
bet against the people

that they fucking
sold the mortgages to

and make even more money,

and now they thought, "Wow,"

"let's go back
to the tech bubble again

"because Americans
can't remember the first one

'cause we fucked 'em
with the second one."

[cheers and applause]

You know, it's interesting,
uh...

you know, if Facebook is going
to be worth $200 billion,

wouldn't you want to have
some stock in it?

Of course you would.

Why wouldn't you?

If it were a guarantee,
you'd be right there.

But you know what?

You can't.

You fucking can't.

I can't either.

Only certain people,

secret people,

people who...
who are very friendly

with the folks at Goldman Sachs,
who have a key to the elevator,

people who are so fucking rich

that if I say their name,

this will turn into
a snuff film.

$200 billion.

Facebook.
$200 billion?

So that I can read that,

"Well, Janet had
a little problem today.

"You know, she got to work,
and boy, oh, boy,

"the boss was really angry,
and then

"she had a touch of diarrhoea
coming on,

"and the Maalox didn't work,

"and she's not sure
if it's something she ate

"or a stomach virus
of some sort,

"and now she's not gonna
make it to karaoke,

"and she practised all week,

frowny-face, frowny-face,
frowny-face."

[cheers and applause]

If... if it's really
going to be worth $200 billion,

then I believe that my penis

is worth at least $10 million.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because I can take it out.

I can show it to you.

It does things.

You can touch it.

And if I could tie it in a knot,
it'd be worth $15 million,

and I wouldn't have to
do this shit for a living.

I'd just take it out...

Uh...yah!
Ta-da!

And then, as an encore,

I'd put a kazoo
in its little mouth,

and it would play a tune
for you.

[cheers and applause]

I have to, um, exp...
take a moment

to explain something
to folks in the audience,

because I know, chances are
there's a number of you

who don't know
what FarmVille is.

If you didn't know
what an application is,

FarmVille is like... whoo...
from another planet.

On Facebook,
you can actually create

your own cartoon farm.

How amazing is that?

And wouldn't you want to do it,
given the chance?

Cartoon chickens
and cartoon geese,

and you grow crops, you know...
green beans, whatever...

tomatoes, whatever you like.

Whatever you like.

No pot!
Don't fucking grow pot!

You have a little farm
and a little farmhouse

and a barn and everything,
and it's quite wonderful.

I didn't even know about it
until a friend of mine

sent me
a couple of cartoon ducks.

I said,
"What the fuck is this about?

Can I eat them?"

So people do this

because, really,
everybody's always dreamed

of having a fake farm,

and I want you to remember
to breathe

as I make the next statement.

There are people who

make a living...
and I know one...

by... by helping people

who have a farm on FarmVille.

They take care of it

because these people don't
have time to do it themselves.

Makes you rethink
farm subsidies, doesn't it?

I don't like telling folks

what to do with their
discretionary income,

but occasionally, you have
to be the adult and say,

"Uh, no!

"I don't think you know
what you're doing here.

"You're having
another human being

"tend to an imaginary farm!

"You're having them
take care of something

that's inside your head."

I don't...

I don't know if the Democrats
or the Republicans

really know how
to deal with the economy at all.

But, um...

it's amazing that the...
this new party,

the Tea Party,
believes that it does.

I've waited my whole life

for there to be a third party.

I've been totally intolerant
for quite some time

of both Democrats
and Republicans,

but now the third party
shows up,

and this is what I fucking got?

[cheers and applause]

Be careful what you wish for.

I was attracted to them
at first.

They're a lot like me.

They're angry.

Anybody knows anger,
it's fucking moi.

And...

they're crazy.

I'm fucking crazy,

and we're angry and we're crazy
for exactly the same reason:

Because the Democrats
make us angry,

and the Republicans
make us crazy.

Or switch it around
if you wish.

Whatever makes you
fucking laugh.

It's... it's extraordinary.

They, um...

that they have convinced
a group of people

to bust out
of their double-wides..

Yes.
Yeah.

I'd put video on this cube
if I could fucking show you.

Busting out
of their double-wides

dressed as Ben Franklin,

holding a kite in one hand
and a key in the other,

screaming, "Don't tax the rich!"

if you...
if a group of people...

leaders... can convince
a group of folks

who barely
have a pot to piss in

that the rich
shouldn't be taxed,

that is leadership.

[cheers and applause]

These...
these are leaders

who... who live in the past

and yet want to decide

what we do in the future.

That...

that doesn't even
make for a good movie.

You've got...
you've got one of the gems here.

What's...
no, you do, don't you?

Michele Bachmann's certainly
giving you some amazing press.

[boos and scattered applause]

America won't hear it.

Not that many people
are gonna watch that special.

Could be too little, too late.

I'd talk about her,
but after a paragraph or so,

I begin to have seizures.

[cheers and applause]

Then, of course,
there was Christine O'Donnell.

She's the one who was nominated

to be the Republican candidate

for the Senate from Delaware,

and that was the best
Delaware could do.

Can you imagine?

When a state...

I just said, that's when you
strip them of their statehood.

I wish they'd nominated
a Wallaby.

Yeah, a little kangaroo would've
been fun to watch on C-SPAN

just to see where the critter
took a shit.

She said...

announced that she had not
masturbated in 13 years.

Holy fuck.

Isn't that something
you keep a secret?

Or was she so crazy
from not masturbating

she just blurted it out?

I tell you.

If I didn't masturbate
for 13 hours,

my hands would try
to choke me to death.

Because my hands
love me that much.

I would accept Sarah Palin

running for the presidency
of the United States

if she ran from FarmVille.

[cheers and applause]

I think that would be
absolutely splendid.

An advertisement with her...
she's completely there,

and there's cartoon ducks
and geese and, you know,

there's rows of corn
and all sorts of shit.

She's got a magnificent home
and a beautiful barn,

and Bristol
would be standing there

with an "abstinence only"
T-shirt.

Trig, of course, would be there

because he's the first baby
ever named after maths.

And...

if you didn't get...
laugh at that...

then you didn't get who the joke
was directed at, asshole.

And then,
then you'd see in the sky,

helicopters
strafing the elderly,

and she'd point out to us
where Russian FarmVille was.

And then...

she would go down to the river...
babbling brook...

and pull from it one fish,

and she would say,

"This is one fish,

and now there are 20 fish."

And then she would go inside

and go to the oven

and pull from it
a loaf of bread,

and she would say,

"This is one loaf,
and now there are 20."

And that, she would say,
is her economic policy.

I still wouldn't vote for her.

But I have to say...

I'd poke her.

It's been a pleasure.
You guys have been terrific.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

I'd just like to thank
all the folks on the crew...

the whole crew that works...
that comes out here,

and my producers... I told them
literally eight weeks ago

I wanted to do this,

and they're like,
"No problem."

Fucking, they're...
I'm glad they're nuts,

but what I'm standing
in front of...

and you're not
gonna believe this.

My father, at the age of 66,
became a painter,

and he's 93 now.

So when people tell you,
you know...

if you're like 27 and say,
"I can't change careers,"

fuck you.

And so this is
a painting of his

that we basically blew up
for the stage

to use as a set.

[cheers and applause]

What's really interesting
about his career as a painter

is that he painted
until he was 83,

and he, said he...

I said, you know,
'cause when I'd go home

he'd show me his stuff,
and he didn't have anything.

I said,
"What... what's going on?"

And he goes, "you know"...

and I don't believe
there's a painter in history

who's ever said this...

"I ran out of ideas."

It's tough,
with my mother being here.

She's actually hired two lawyers

because I'm not paying
my father,

and she's suing me for this,

and I'm gonna guarantee you
this too:

If Michele Bachmann

runs for the presidency
of this country,

I'm running my mother.

It's been a pleasure.

You guys were exceptional.

[cheers and applause]