All language subtitles for Elviras.Haunted.Hills.2001.BluRay.SHOUT.EngSDH.23976-MaG

(dramatic music)

- No, no! Help me!

Help!
(dramatic music)

No, no, no, no!

No, no! No! (shrieking)

No! What do you think
you're doing?

No! No! (shrieking)

No, help me! Please, please!
(screaming)

Oh! (sighs)

(door knocking)
(Zou Zou gasps)

- It's after checkout time!

I want my money!
- Mistress, the innkeeper!

He wants to be paid.

- (groans) Honey, when I spend
the night in a man's room,

he better pay me.

- I want my money!

- (groans) Zou Zou, just
go back to sleep, would ya?

What's he gonna do, kill us?

(door pounding)
(Zou Zou gasps)

- Here's Johan!

(both screaming)

Give me the money! Now!
(suspenseful music)

I want my money!

Give me the money!

- Go outside!
(Zou Zou groaning)

(Zou Zou screams)

(Zou Zou grunts)
(chickens clucking)

Oops.

- [Johan] Now I got you!
I got you!

Come back here!
Pay me the money!

Hey!
(Elvira shrieks)

- Oh!

Oh, oui! Oh, hurry, Mistress!

- Get up!

Go on, go on!

- I'm coming down for
you, eh? I want my money!

- Ooh!

(wolves howling)

- You getting tired, Zou Zou?
(Zou Zou panting)

- Whew. No, Mistress.

- Well, I am. Pull over.

(Elvira groans)

Zou Zou, I thought I told
you to pay that inn creep.

- With what, Mistress,
my good looks?

- Well, you got a point there,
girlfriend.

But, I mean, couldn't
you have done something

to pay for our room?

You know, wash dishes,
dug ditches?

- Oui, Mistress, you are right.

- I mean, Zou Zou, you should
be grateful to do any labor,

no matter how menial,
because I can't.

I am a professional entertainer,

and I have to save every
ounce of my strength

for my audience.

(Zou Zou grunts)

(sighs) Any more of
that blood sausage left?

(sighs)

(sighs) Hm.

This sausage is good.
Too bad you're on a diet.

- I am?

- Oh, but wait.
(horses neighing)

(Elvira stammering)
Oh!

(ominous music)

(pensive music)

- Uh, did you call a cab?

Uh, hold on there, baldy.

Hold it just a minute.
(ominous music)

I, I, I, Uh...

You forgot my makeup case.

- Oh. (grunts)

(tense music)

- Oh. (giggles)
(romantic music)

- Hello. May I offer you
ladies a ride?

- Well...
- Oui, oui, we'd love a ride.

- (laughs) It, uh, depends.
Where ya headed, sailor?

- I'm traveling north to
visit a client.

Perhaps I could offer you and
your servant a nice lodging.

That is, of course, unless
you've made other arrangements.

- (chuckles) Well.

- Oh, sir, arrangements?
No, no, we do not have...

Oof!
(Elvira chuckles)

- Mm. Well, then, shall we go?

Please.
(Jaunty music)

My name is Dr. Bradley.
Dr. Bradley Bradley.

- Oh. (giggles)

Your mother must have
thought you looked so nice,

she named you twice. (laughs)

Eh. (clears throat)

Elvira's the name,
showbiz the game.

Ooh. (giggles)

I'm just in the process of
fulfilling my lifelong dream

of opening in a
world-renowned Parisian revue.

- I know.

- You do?

- But of course. Your
reputation precedes you.

- Oh, damn, I hate when
that happens.

Uh, I don't owe you any money,
do I?

- Good Lord, no. I found your
play bill in the village.

Oh. (laughs) Yes, of course.

- And I must say, it's
quite a titillating image.

- Yes, it is quite a
good likeness, isn't it?

- Quite.

(jaunty music)

(ominous music)

- Oh!

- So, what kind of
medicine man are you, man?

- I am a psychiatrist.

- Oh, great! 'Cause my
feet are killing me.

- Charming.
(jaunty music)

- Ooh. (giggles)

I say. Perhaps we could arrange
for a private performance.

(Bradley grunts)
- Oh!

Lucky for you, I come
equipped with my own airbags.

- I beg your pardon?

(suction pops)
(both panting)

I'm so looking forward to
the next bump.

(jaunty music)
(Elvira shrieks)

- Uh, thanks for the lift, Doc,

but, uh, I really gotta
get going, you know.

Nobody told me this was gonna
be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Oh! Oh!
(horses neighing)

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my God! (shrieking)

Help! Oh, oh! Ooh, ah! Oh, ow,
ooh, ah!

Ow, ooh, ah! (shrieking)
(Bradley grunting)

- I say, coachman, are you
making out all right up there?

Coachman!

(ominous music)

(dramatic music)
(thunder crashing)

Welcome to Castle Hellsubus.

- Hm. Cheery.
(thunder rumbling)

(owl hooting)
(ominous music)

(Ema screams)

- Lady Hellsubus. Allow
me to present Elvira.

- Charmed. I think.

- Please, forgive me,
Madam. It's just that you,

you, you...

- Me, me, what?

- You look pretty.

Please, come in.

- Oof!

- The lady and her servant
will be spending the night.

- Very well. I'll have the
maid prepare the rooms.

- I trust that your stay here
will be comfortable, madam.

- Your cloak, ma'am.

Your gloves, ma'am.

Your shoes, ma'am.

- Hold it right there.

I mean, I usually get paid
for this sort of thing.

You know, when I take a...
- If you please, ma'am.

I am afraid it is imperative.

You see, my husband, he suffers
from an acute affliction

of the hearing.

Sounds that seem
commonplace to you or to I

cut into his head like knives!

- Are you sure it's not just
some kind of kinky foot thing?

- The shoes, if you please.

- Ooh!

(glass shattering)

(Elvira grunting)

(cat yowls)

(Elvira grunts)

(shoe thuds)
- Oh!

- Zou Zou?
- Oh!

- Would you help me?

(Elvira grunts)
- Oh!

(gong ringing)

- Lady Hellsubus, would you
mind informing Lord Hellsubus

that he has a guest?

- Something tells me he's
already figured that out.

(armor clattering)

(Zou Zou sighs)

(ominous music)

- Ooh, a piano bar!

(upbeat music)

- Stop!

No more, please!

- (scoffs) Jeez,
everybody's a critic.

(thunder rumbling)

- Elvira, allow me to present
Lord Vladimere Hellsubus.

- Enchante.

- Ow! Oh!

Hey, we haven't even met yet!

Oh, sorry. (laughs) Hey,
nice jacket.

Who shot the stove?

(humorous music)
(both laughing)

- Elvira is soon to be
one of Gay Paree's

foremost entertainers.

- But the straight guys
like me, too. (laughing)

Thank you, thank you,
but seriously, folks-

- No!
(eerie music)

This cannot be. No!

No!

- Yeah. Nice meeting you, too.

Who's the old dude in the dress?

- Perhaps he has seen your act.
(laughing)

(tense music)

Oui.

(door creaking)

(castle rumbling)
(ominous music)

(cat yowls)

- Oh! (shrieking)

- Don't be frightened, Elvira.

It's only the castle settling
down for the evening.

(Elvira sighs)

Come. It's time for bed.

- Mm.

- The village people
say this castle is evil.

- Eh, who listens to the
Village People anymore?

(ominous music)

- This castle and its
occupants are cursed.

It's the Hellsubus family blood.

It causes them to do strange
and unnatural things.

- Mm. Sounds like fun.

Lucian Hellsubus. Vladimere's
great-great-grandfather.

Sadist, murderer.

Thousands of innocent souls
died by his torturous hands

in the dungeon of
this very castle.

- Ew, nice hobby.

- Captain Teodore Hellsubus.
Vladimere's grandfather.

Smuggler, slave trader,
pathological liar,

bad dancer, cross-dresser.

- (scoffs) That's really weird.

Cross-dressers are
usually great dancers.

(ominous music)
(Elvira grunting)

Oh! (panting)

- Careful. The tremors seem to
have caused a bit of damage.

- Yeah, duh. Anybody
ever heard of Spackle?

- And last but not least,
the Lady Donya Hellsubus,

Vladimere's mother.

Slut, harlot, seductress. Just
one man couldn't satisfy her.

- I hear you, Grandma.

- Right. I'll show you to
your room, then.

(pensive music)

This was her room.

- Her? Her who?

- Elura, Vladimere's first wife.

Nobody has set foot in
it since her passing.

- Whew, pee-yew.

Pass of what is the question.

Could you light a match
or something?

- Elura died exactly
ten years ago tomorrow.

(suspenseful music)

(pensive music)
(thunder rumbling)

(Roxana coughing)

- Dr. Bradley, I thought
I heard a voice and I...

(dramatic music)

(Roxana groans)

- Oh, what's her problem?

- Don't mind her.

She does this sort of
thing quite frequently.

She's not well, as you can see.

- [Elvira] Who is she?

- This pitiful creature
is Roxana Hellsubus,

Lord Hellsubus' niece.

She too is afflicted with
the Hellsubus family curse,

which has ruined many a life,
including that of Elura.

Beautiful, unfortunate Elura.

I must say, the resemblance
between the two of you

is remarkable.

No wonder Vladimere was so
shocked at the very sight of you.

- (gasps) Oh, my God!

Not only that, but
we're both wearing

the exact same nail polish.

- Really? How remarkable.

- Well, it's getting kinda late,

and I'm off to Paris
in the morning.

- Must you leave so soon?

- Dr. Bradley, opening
my show in Paris

means more to me than
anything in the world,

even playing Hide the
Hot Dog with you.

- (chuckles) Well, then.
What about a quick nightcap?

- No.

- Brandy?
- Mm-mm.

- Champagne? Palinka?
- Mm-mm.

- Dubonnet with a twist?
(Elvira groans)

- Oof! (grunts)
- Ooh! (pants)

- Mistress, it's time
for la douche.

(Elvira grunts)

- (clears throat) Yes,
quite right.

Well, I'll send my carriage
around in the morning.

Good night.

- Oh, Dr. Bradley?

- Yes?

- Didn't you forget something?

- Ah, yes. Quite right.

Good night.

- Oh, and Doc?

(Roxana's head thunks)

I'll take a rain check
on the physical.

(pensive music)

Oh hi, Ema.

Thanks for spying on us.

(Eva exhales)
(ominous music)

(dramatic music)
(bats shrieking)

Oh, this is so relaxing.
(Zou Zou grunts)

Oh, Zou Zou, turn on
the bubbles, would you?

(Zou Zou sighs)

(bubbles bubbling)

Ah. More hot water, Zou Zou.

- But Mistress, I
will have to go

all the way down to the kitchen!

- Yeah?

And I have to sit here in a
bathtub full of tepid water

until you get back. (laughs)

Now scoot, scoot.
(Zou Zou sighs)

- Oui. (grunts) Sacrebleu.
(bumbling music)

(Zou Zou muttering indistinctly)

- Arr, ye dogs. We have
come for your booty.

Oh, no, please, please,
Mr. Big Bad Pirate,

please don't pillage my booty!

(dramatic music)
(wind whistling)

Zou Zou? Zou Zou, is that you?

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You wanna blow the rating
on this picture?

(suspenseful music)

(Elvira grunting)

(Elvira panting)

(Elvira sighing)
(intensifying dramatic music)

(pensive music)

Hm. Finders keepers.

Where have I seen this
thing before?

Oh.
(dramatic music)

Come on, you're
dripping with jewels.

You're not gonna miss one
little old ring, are you?

(both screaming)

Zou Zou, you scared the
caca-doodie out of me!

- Shh!

(door lock clicking)
(tense music)

(both screaming)

- (groans) Haven't you
ever heard of knocking?

- I'm so sorry. I didn't
mean to startle you.

I'm Lady Roxana.

- Oh, and I'm Elvira.

Hey, what do you know?
The lady and the tramp!

(all laughing)

(Roxana coughing)
(Roxana choking)

I think this is a piece
of your lung. Ew.

- Thank you.

I, I just came to apologize
for my ghastly behavior

earlier this evening.

I was just so shocked by
your appearance.

- Yeah, well, most people are,

but they usually don't have
quite such a strong reaction.

- For a moment, I thought
that you were my Aunt Elura,

risen from the grave!

- Yeah, I seem to be
getting that a lot lately.

So, Roxana, is it true that
you also have the curse?

- Yes, I'm afraid I do.

- Really? And you still manage
to look so fresh all over.

- Uncle Vladimere says
there is no escape!

From the family curse.

- Hey, cheer up.

I mean, maybe it's
like hair loss

and it'll skip a generation.

- No!

Uncle Vladimere says
I am destined

to remain within these
dark castle walls

for the rest of my short

(gags) happy (groans)

life.

- (sighs) "Uncle Vladimere
says, Uncle Vladimere says."

You know, girl, I don't
wanna go sticking my nose

in where it don't belong,
but if I were you,

I would just pack my
little bags,

forget about what Uncle
Vladimere says,

and get the hell on out
of Castle Hellsubus.

- Oh, if only I could.

- Well, what's stopping
you? Your legs painted on?

Where will I go,
what would I do?

- We leave for Paris
in the morning,

you could come with us, no?

- Uh, no, actually,
where we're going

is kind of an
adults-only thing and...

- No, no. (Coughing )

Of, of course, I, I,

I understand. (coughing loudly)

- All right, all right,
you can go with us.

Just be sure to have
your stuff ready tonight,

'cause we're leaving first
thing in the morning.

- Oh, thank you, Elvira,
you're wonderful!

Good night.

(dramatic music)
(all screaming)

- (groans) What do you want?

- I just came to see
if you needed anything

before you retire.

A cup of warm milk, perhaps?

- You know, actually, a cup of
warm milk sounds kinda good.

Thanks.

- Very well. I'll have
the maid milk the goat.

- Um, you know, on
second thought,

just send up a bottle of
scotch and a straw, okay?

(door creaking)

(wolf howling)
(thunder booming)

(metallic groaning)

(Elvira snoring)

(dramatic music)
(Elvira screams)

- Oh, what?
- Shh! Mistress, it's me!

- Zou Zou, what the hell
are you doing?

- Listen! I'm scared!
(whimpering)

- Zou Zou, that's just the
grinding and clanking noise that,

you know, instruments
of torture make.

(Zou Zou sobbing)

(groans) All right, all right,

I'll throw on something skimpy

and head down to the dungeon.

(Zou Zou whimpering)

(suspenseful music)

Let's see. Now where's
the secret door?

They always have one of those.

(pensive music)

Oh!
(rocks rumbling)

(grunting)

(Elvira shrieks)

(Elvira grunting)
(Elvira panting)

(mouse squeaking)
(Elvira gasps)

Oh, hello.

(footsteps creaking)

(tense music)

Hmm, is somebody in there?
Hello?

Oh, Roxana, is that you?

Oh, I just saw the light on
in here and I was wondering

what you were doing down here.

Um, you know, I wanted to
talk to you about... (gasps)

(pistol squeaking)

Uh, careful, that thing
might go off in your hand.

- Oh, you startled me.

- If you're looking for
something to steal, uh,

there's really not much here.

I already checked.

- Oh, sorry. Lord Hellsubus'
pistol needed cleaning.

Allow me to introduce myself,
madam.

- How does he do that? Weird.

- I am Adrian, the
stable master.

I often come here secretly.

Books are my greatest
pleasure and as you can see,

the master has a
magnificent collection.

- Of what?

- Hm. Books.

- Oh, books. Yeah, I
hadn't noticed.

- I'm constantly trying
to better myself.

- It's working.

- And who, may I ask, are you?

- Oh, me? Oh, I'm just Elvira.

You know, house guest,
bon vivant,

entertainer extraordinaire.

I'm just here for the night.

(fire crackles)

But then, a lot can happen
in a night. (giggles)

Woo, Lord have mercy.

It is warm in here, isn't it?

- (gasps) Your gown!

- Ow, ow, ow!
- Ah, ooh, ee, ah, ooh.

Ah.
(Elvira panting)

- Are you all right?
Is the fire out?

- Honey, the fire's just
getting started.

I mean, it must have
been a cinder

that landed on my nightgown.

- No, it was no accident.

This house is not a healthy
place for you to be.

- Ew, not healthy?

I have been scratching
myself a lot lately.

- And I'm sure Lord Hellsubus

has not been the most
gracious of hosts.

- Duh, that's the understatement
of the 19th century.

- Since the death of
his first wife,

he has not been feeling himself.

- Too bad. It might relieve
a lot of that tension.

- Ah, I'm afraid the poor
man is grief-stricken

ever since the Lady
Elura committed suicide.

- Committed suicide?

Why would anybody living
here at Sunnybrook Farm

want to kill themselves?

- The master blames
himself for her death.

Me, I blame the Hellsubus curse.

- Oh, you poor darling!

- But I had nothing
to do with it.

- I don't care.

(footsteps shuffling)

- (gasps) I mustn't
be found here!

- Get behind the curtain, quick!

- Yeah, good idea.

- I thought I heard voices.

- Oh, yeah, you and everybody
else in this bug house.

(Elvira gasps)
(Ema grunts)

- A spider.

(Ema grunts)
(thunder rumbling)

(Ema growling)
(dog barking)

(Ema grunting)
(tense music)

(gentle music)
(cock crows)

(jaunty music)

- Hello?

Can anybody help me
with my bags?

Zou Zou?

Zou Zou!
- I'm coming! (scoffs)

- Zou Zou, what do I
pay you for?

- But, Mistress, you have
not paid me in months.

- Oh, right.

(dramatic music)

Oh, ah!

(Elvira shrieks)

(Elvira thuds)

- I'm ready to go, Elvira.

Elvira? (gasps)

- Mistress, do you
need some help?

- No. No, I don't need any help.

Do I look like I need help?

Get rid of that damn cake.

Merci.

(lighthearted music)

Where's that coach that
quack promised us?

- I tried to tell you, Mistress,

Dr. Bradley has the emergency!

- Emergency? What about
my emergency?

He said something about
people in the village

dying of the plague.

- (scoffs) Plague-shmague.

I have a show to do in Paris.

Oh, some people are so selfish.

Huh?

Oh, Adrian.

Hm. Uh, I've got an idea.

You two wait right here.

- What? Mistress, where
are you going?

- If I'm not back in an
hour, wait another hour.

Wha...?
(gentle music)

Oh. (grunting)

- Adrian! Adrian!
(romantic music)

(crow cawing)
(pensive music)

(crow caws)
(Elvira gasps)

Ah!
(suspenseful music)

(screams)

(groaning)
(panting)

(shrieks)

(screams)

Ah!

Oh, it's you.

Oh, you scared the
hell out of me.

- Would that it was otherwise,
my dear.

They've struck again.

- What, gophers?

- No, grave robbers, in
a never-ending search

for the Hellsubus family jewels.

Oh, for the love of God, why
can't they leave us alone?

Hasn't my family
suffered enough?

What manner of fiend is
it that would,

that would desecrate a
human grave in their hunger

for mere riches?

Oh, why, why, why?

- Snap out of it!

God, what are you going for,
an Oscar?

- Oh! My eyes, my eyes!

Would you mind, my dear?
They're over there.

- God. Here's your precious
horse blinders, you big baby.

- You don't understand.

My, my eyes are tortured by
all but the faintest of light.

- Oh, so you've got a
hangover too, huh?

- No, I suffer from acute
ocular sensitivity, my dear.

- Oh. Too bad.

Um, listen, you know,
your friend Dr. Bradley

stood me up this morning,
so I was wondering

if Adrian the stable boy
could give me a ride.

- Oh, frailty, thy
name is woman.

- Look, I just thought
you were Adrian,

that's why I was following you.

- I know.

- You do? Don't tell
me you're psychic, too.

- No, I heard your footsteps.

Each and every one of them echo.

- Echo?

- Echo.

- Echo.

- My hearing's hyper-sensitive, too.

I hear everything, each
cry in the night,

the deafening whisper of
woodworm devouring the coffins,

the scratching of rats'
claws upon the stone, I,

I hear it all.

(wolf howling)

- What's that?

- What?

(wolf howling)
- There it is again!

- Really? What does
it sound like?

- Kinda like, ah-woo!
- Ah!

Oh, an animal, perhaps.

Wolves attracted by the
scent of rotting flesh.

- Uh, wolves?

Maybe we should head
back to the...

(wolf howling)
(pensive music)

- My beloved wife's grave.

She passed away 10 years
ago this, this very day.

(thunder booms)
(chiming music)

Oh, Elura. So beautiful,
so young, so full of life.

But as I carried her over the
threshold of Castle Hellsubus

on our wedding day, a
strange darkness befell her.

(ominous music)

Soon after, she took to her bed.

She would neither eat nor sleep.

I tried everything to
cheer her up.

(whimsical music)

Each night, Elura took

to wandering the halls
of Castle Hellsubus,

listening to the accursed
voices of the demented souls

emanating from within
its blood-soaked walls.

(victims screaming)
(ominous music)

I prayed that I might rescue her

from this infernal nightmare,

but aided by the corrupting
powers of diabolical cunning,

she eluded me.

And then one night,
those demonic deceivers

of suicidal destruction

imposed their poisonous
and cankerous will

upon this sweet, unblemished
child of innocence and grace

and ordered her to climb
to the top of the tower.

(dramatic music)

And then, to jump.

(fabric tearing)

(body thuds)

We were married for
just one year.

- Well, you know what they say.

I mean, 50% of all
marriages end in divorce,

so it wouldn't have worked
out anyway, probably.

(chuckles)
(eerie music)

Are you okay?

- It's you, you! You!

- Me, me, me, what?

- Elura, Elura, Elura!

- No, Elvira, Elvira, Elvira.

- I'll send you back to hell!

- Ah! Ah, ooh, ooh! Oh.

Ooh, that smarts. What happened?

- Uh, you don't remember?

- No, I must have undergone
some kind of blackout.

- Yeah, yeah. Uh, you tripped.

(wolf howling)

You know, I'm a little sheepish
when it comes to wolves.

Uh, what do you say we head
on back to the castle, okay?

- Oh, yes, good idea.
(eerie music)

Oh! Oh, thank you, my dear.

I think I might just go
upstairs and rest for awhile.

- Okay, you do that.

And uh, while you're at it,

you might want to
grab an icepack.

- Yes.

Ah-ah-ah! Hold it right there.

Mutton stew.

Mm, mm. Whoa, dude.

Somebody went a little
heavy on the Tabasco.

- This is my husband's
chamber pot, madam.

(castle rumbling)

(clock chiming)
(objects rattling)

- Disturbing, yes, but perfectly
harmless, I assure you.

- Oh, yeah, no problemo.
I'm from California.

- So, as I was saying,
I was in the village

cleaning out the pussy,
runny sores

of this poor old woman
and I said to her,

"Madam, I believe you
have the plague."

And she said, "Oh, no, sir,
I don't have the plague."

And just at that moment, her
ear dropped off. (chuckles)

Roll? I can assure you, Ema,
it was rousing good fun.

- (laughs) Bradley,
you always have

the most amusing stories.

- Mm, gee. This looks delicious.

- It's gruel.

- Yeah, damn
straight it's cruel.

I mean, I was really hungry.

- No, madam, it's hot gruel.

- That's something to say.
It's fine.

I'm afraid those of the
Hellsubus clan

can consume only the
most pallid mash,

wear only the softest
of clothing,

tolerate only the
faintest of light.

You see,

my husband and Roxana

suffer from certain
peculiarities of temperament.

- Yeah, where I come from,
they call it hypochondria.

- Pardon?

- I said, uh, maybe it's
just all in their mind.

- Precisely.

And when something is in
someone's mind,

it is more real, more powerful

than any mere physical malady.

- (scoffs) Yeah, right.

Like there's something
going on in my mind.

- Well now, shall we see?

What do you know about hypnosis?

- It's a bunch of hooey.

I once did a show with
Ivan the Incredible.

He tried to hypnotize me
and make me bark like a dog.

- And did it work?

- (clears throat) Well,
by the time he was clone,

he was the one who was
sitting up and begging.

(Zou Zou barks)
(both laughing)

Girlfriend.

Hm. (clears throat)

- I assure you, Elvira,

the powers of hypnotism
are very real.

Allow me to demonstrate.

(eerie music)

Look deeply into my eyes.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

- (scoffs) Wish I had a peso

for every time I heard
that old line.

- Give your will over to mine.

(eerie music)

- Whew.
- Your hands

are melting into mine.

Soon, very soon, they
will become one with mine.

- Yeah, well, just watch
the nails, will you?

- Close your eyes.

You will try, you will try,
but you will not be able.

You will try very soon,
you will try now,

but you will not, you
cannot move them!

- Will you please hold it down?

I'm just trying to sleep here.

- Is she hypnotized?

No, I am not hypnot... (snoring)

- Elvira. You're a little
girl, very happy, so young,

so happy. So very, very happy.

(Elvira humming)

It's all brightness
and butterflies.

They're a wonder to behold.

See them.

(Elvira giggling)
See them?

- I just love
butterflies ever so much.

- Why look, there's
one on a flower.

Reach out, Elvira, you
can almost touch it.

Reach out. Oh, it's a bee,
it stung you!

- Ow, ow! Ow!
- No, no, no tears, Elvira.

There's no reason to weep.

(thunder crashing)
(ominous music)

- Don't weep for me. Weep
for Vladimere.

I have come to wreak
my vengeance.

- Oh!
(glass crashing)

- Wow, who turned
out the lights?

See, I told you that hypnotism
thing was a bunch of hooey.

Ow. Mm.

- I'm, I'm afraid I'm
feeling a bit unstable.

- Speaking of unstab-le, stable.
Where's Lord Loco anyway?

(dramatic music)
(thunder crashing)

(gentle piano music)

So plague or no plague,

your coach is picking
me up tomorrow, right?

- Oh, absolutely.

I assure you, Elvira,

you won't be spending another
night in Castle Hellsubus.

Happy anniversary, Elura.

- You know, poor guy's
had a tough day.

- Yes, poor Vladimere.

I don't believe I've ever
seen him looking so morose.

- Well, I mean, who wouldn't
be with this dirge playing?

Move over, honey.

Let's see if we can't turn
that frown upside down.

(lighthearted piano music)

♪ Many years ago when I
was so small ♪

♪ I slipped into a music hall ♪

♪ How was I to know curiosity ♪

♪ Would cost me my virginity ♪

♪ In a single night I
learned all the facts ♪

♪ About the birds and
bees and tit for tat ♪

♪ I remember seven
Turkish acrobats ♪

♪ Who taught me an
unnatural act ♪

Ooh!
(piano keys crash)

Come on.
- Hm?

♪ I was asked to play
with the entire band ♪

♪ I had them all
right in my hand ♪

♪ The pianist confessed to me ♪

♪ There was a horse in
his family tree ♪

(trumpet whinnying)

♪ A contortionist needed
to get his kicks ♪

♪ Forcing little me to
do the Chinese split ♪

♪ Girlfriend the trained
dogs were quite a treat ♪

♪ They thought moi was a
bitch in heat ♪

♪ Grr ♪

(jaunty music)

- Hit it!

(drums rolling)

♪ I was gagged and bound
by a psycho clown ♪

♪ I'm not even married
but I've been tied down ♪

♪ By the way, the jugglers
were living dolls ♪

♪ And they taught me how
to juggle all their balls ♪

♪ I learned how to
expose my derriere ♪

♪ Show my legs and bam ♪

♪ Get them in the air ♪

♪ Yes I often stop
thinking to recall ♪

♪ Life is like a music hall,
yah ♪

(upbeat music)

(jaunty swing music)

(kazoo whirring)

(Vladimere snoring)

(thunder crashing)

- [Elura] Vladimere.

Vladimere.

- Who, who is it? Who's there?

- [Elura] Vladimere!

Vladimere.

(eerie music)

(Vladimere screaming)

- Vladimere, what is it?

- I, I, I saw her. it was her.

- Who, man? Whom did you see?

- I, I saw, I saw

no one.

Nothing, I, I must have
been dreaming.

(Elvira whispering)

(Vladimere chuckling)

- Oh.
(both chuckling)

(Vladimere muttering
incoherently)

(Vladimere shouting
incoherently)

All of you! All of you!
All of you die!

Oh. (panting)

What?

What?

What, what happened?

- Uh, you, uh, tripped again.

You gotta lay off of
that absinthe.

- Thank you.

(dramatic music)
- (gasps) That ring!

Where did you get that ring?

Uh, this old thing?

Uh, I just found it in my room.

- It was Elura's!
Her wedding ring.

You took it!

- (scoffs) Sheesh, calm down,
will you?

Here, you can have it. It's
too tacky for me, anyway.

- No, no. No, get it away
get it away!

- Will you make up your mind?

- Elura was wearing that
ring when I buried her.

- (scoffs) Ew.

(Roxana groaning)

Don't even think about it.

- Then it's true! It is true!

She's alive!

- Vladimere, you know very
well that's not possible.

- Well, there's only one
way to find out.

(dramatic music)
(thunder crashing)

- Oh, here, let me help
you with that.

- There.

All spic and span.
I'll get the rest later.

(suspenseful music)

- (grunting) Almost got it.

- Oh, my God! It's true!

She is alive!

(thunder crashing)
(Roxana groans)

- Girl, you are starting
to get on my last nerve.

- Good Lord. No heartbeat.

- Mirror?

(gasps) No breath, either!

- I'm afraid she's quite dead.

- Well, at least we'll get
some use out of that coffin.

(solemn music)

- Poor Roxana.
She's found peace at last.

For a member of the
Hellsubus line,

even death can bring no peace.

Oh! If only it were me
instead of her.

- Yes, if only it was you.

- Yes, if only it was.

- Yes, if only.
(tense music)

(fly buzzing)

- Must you close the
casket so soon, Vladimere?

- Yeah, boy, you guys don't
waste any time, do you?

I mean, the body's not
even cold yet.

It's time for Roxana to join
the rest of the Hellsubus clan.

(inhales) Come.

- Why, why, why? She was
so young and so

young! (sobs)

Roxana! We hardly knew ye!

She was a good girl.
She never hoit nobody!

You're with the angels now,
darling.

Oh!

Oh, man, I don't know
about the rest of you guys,

but I need a drink.
(jaunty music)

(dramatic music)
(thunder rumbling)

(door squeaking)

(suspenseful music)

(rake whooshes)
(rake bonks)

(Elvira grunting)

(dog barking)
(pensive music)

(owl hooting)
(somber music)

Hello? Adrian?

Mm-mm.
(romantic music)

Ah, Adrian.

That's quite a big hammer
you're swinging there.

- Elvira.

I was just shoeing a horse
for your trip tomorrow.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd just
bring you a little something

to remember me by.

- A book!

Elvira, you are as generous
as you are beautiful.

(giggles)

Ah, "Kama Sutra."

- Yeah. Have you
read it already?

- I'm afraid I haven't.

- Oh, too bad.

- I hope there aren't too
many big words.

- Yeah, well, don't
worry about it.

I mean, it's mostly pictures.

Here, let me show you the
first chapter.

(sultry music)

- I'm not sure I follow.

- Oh, read on.

(Elvira moans)
(kisses smacking)

(Zou Zou humming)

(ominous music)
(glass shattering)

- Mm. Nicholai.
(romantic music)

- [Nicholai] Elura.
At long last.

My brother would have my
head if he knew about us.

- [Elura] Vladimere will
never find out.

(ominous music)

(Nicholai gasps)

(Nicholai grunts)
No! (screaming)

Help me! Help me!

Help!

No, please!

No!

Help me!

No, help me, Elvira! (screaming)

(dog barking)
(suspenseful music)

(thunder crashing)

(tense music)

(Elvira gasps)
(Vladimere coughs)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashing)
(suspenseful music)

(Roxana's head bonks)
(Roxana grunts)

(Zou Zou whimpering)

- Who's there?

(cage rattling)
(Zou Zou whimpering)

Zou Zou, is that you?

What do you think you
are, a freaking parakeet?

(Zou Zou speaking indistinctly)

Oh, you will not believe
this weird dream I had.

I think that Elura's buried
alive down here somewhere

and I think that I know who...

(Elvira shouts)
(dramatic music)

- How did you two get down here?

This dungeon has been
locked for 100 years.

- Yeah, right,

and, uh, I suppose you've
never been down here either.

Madam, I swear to you, I've
never before set foot in,

in this place.

Uh, look, little Lord
Paranoid, I didn't say you did.

I just said that if you are
the only person with the key...

- It was in this foul dungeon
that my great-grandfather,

Lord Lucian Hellsubus,

committed unspeakable
acts of torture.

- Ooh, like, "Whip me, baby,
whip me"?

- In a nutshell, yes.

- Ouch.
(ominous music)

Oh, my God!

This is it! It's this wall!

It's, it's the wall
from my dream!

- What?

- What on Earth are you
talking about, my dear?

(dramatic music)
(Elvira gasps)

It wasn't a dream.
It really happened!

Elura didn't kill herself.
You killed her!

- I had to do it, Elura.
Don't you see?

You were going to leave
me. Leave this castle.

No one in the Hellsubus
clan can ever leave,

as I told dear Roxana.

- You mean Roxana was...

- Yes, about to be buried alive, too.

That's another unfortunate
Hellsubus family trait.

Catalepsy.

- Fear of cats?

- It's a condition which
completely parallels

the look of death.

- Ah. You mean, then, she was...

And, and you knew?

- Yes.
- And...

- Yes, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid burying people alive

is another unfortunate
Hellsubus family trait.

- Huh?
- And now, Elvira,

it's time to send you
back from whence you came.

To hell!

- No!
(dramatic music)

Ah!
(Vladimere laughs)

- I shall rip your
black heart out

and feed it to the
carrion crows!

(kick thuds)
(Vladimere groans)

- Sheesh, you'd think he
would have learned by now.

(door creaking)
(suspenseful music)

- Ah, there he is.
Pretty as a picture.

It is rather amusing, isn't it,
dearest?

Your first wife, Elura,
an adulteress.

Your brother Nicholai,
an adulterer.

Your second wife, an adulteress.

Your trusted doctor and
friend, an adulterer!

(both laugh)

(Ema moaning)
(eerie romantic music)

- Oy, mate! (snapping)

(whistles) No, he's
completely off it this time.

- We've done it.
Look at the pathetic milksop.

He'd be better off dead.

- Yeah, but we wouldn't,
would we, love?

And now that he's off his nut,

you and I are
completely in control

of the Hellsubus family fortune.

- And no one will question
his need for constant care

from his trusted doctor,

with the help of his
faithful wife, of course.

- [Bradley] I hope you've
learned your lesson about this.

- [Both] Never sign a
prenuptial agreement!

(Ema laughs)

(stair squeaks)

- Elvira.

- Oh. (chuckles)

- How nice of you to join us.

- Hi there.

Um, I was just leaving, so
I'll see you guys around!

Ah. No, you don't, love.

- Oh, no. Don't leave, Elvira.

The fun is just beginning.

(ominous music)
- Whoa.

Yoo-hoo, Elvira!
Your carriage awaits!

Elvira!

Hmm, maybe she's upstairs.

- God, it's great, isn't it?
Look at the size of that rack.

Elvira, I must confess,

I find the sight of you in
pain particularly arousing.

Ow!

- Careful, Bradley,
or you'll be next.

I swear, you guys,
I didn't hear a thing. Ow!

About you and the doctor
having an affair.

Oh!

And, and, and of you trying
to make Vladimere insane

so that you could steal
the family jewels.

Ow, ow!

- [Vladimere] Nicholai!

- Oh, Vladimere.

How are you? I must
confess you look better.

- Thank you, dear
brother. That's very kind.

- I think that...

Brother? Vladimere, whatever
on Earth do you mean?

- It was always you, Nicholai!

- No!
- Always you!

- No.
- First you stole my toys.

- No!
- Then our dear mother's

sweet love, and then
finally, my beloved Elura.

You must die, Nicholai!
You must die!

- Vladimere, no!
(dramatic music)

- As for you, you
too will suffer

for your faithlessness, Elura.

- But, husband, I'm not Elura,
I'm Ema!

- Before this day is out,

you will beg me to release
you from the unimaginable hell

into which you're about
to be plunged.

(Ema shrieking)

Die, die in agony, Elura!

(Ema screams)

- I'm not Elura! She is!

- (chuckles) Oh, that
Ema! She's such a kidder.

- Oh, forgive me.
My slutty adulteress, darling.

- Hey, don't call me darling.

- Let me release you
from your bondage.

- Uh, yeah, that'd be great,

because I'm really not into
this kinda thing anyway.

Oh no, no, no, no, no!

No, the other way, the
other way, the other way!

- Woops.

Please forgive me, my dear,
but old habits die hard.

- Yeah. Ah. (panting)

(springs being)
(pensive music)

Wow.
(wobbling music)

Ah. Hm. (chuckles)

- Elvira?

Elvira? It's your stable stud.

Time to go to the train sta...

(Elvira screaming)
(Adrian gasps)

(dramatic music)

- [Elvira] Help!

Help me!
- Huh?

- Help me!
(dramatic music)

- Do you know where you are,
Elura?

Shall I tell you where you are,
Elura?

- Would you stop with
the Elura stuff?

Elura is dead. I'm Elvira,
remember?

♪ Life is like a music hall,
yeah ♪

- Oh, prepare to enter hell,
Elura, the netherworld,

the abode of the dead,
the infernal regions.

That place of torment,
pandemonium, abandonment,

that vast unbottomed place
that's really, really hot.

Araka.

Gehenna.

Hades.

The boundless...

- All right, all right,
I got it, I got it.

Jeez, will somebody
take away his thesaurus?

- Don't interrupt when
I'm on a roll, Elura.

- Elvira! Where are you?

- Adrian, help!

I'm in here, in the dungeon!

- Oh, Elura.

In this place, no one can
hear you scream.

- No! (shrieking) Adrian, help!

- Elvira!

- Adrian!
- Elvira!

- Now let me present for
your final enjoyment, the pit

and the pendulum!

(Vladimere laughing)
(machinery whirring)

- Oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Adrian, Adrian, hurry! Adrian!

(machinery clattering)

(blade whooshing)
Ah! (panting)

(Elvira shrieking)
(Vladimere laughing)

Adrian!

Where are you?

- Elvira!

(Vladimere laughing)
(Elvira whimpering)

- [Elvira] Adrian,
I haven't got all day here!

- [Adrian] Who is that laughing?

Who is that laughing?

- (shrieks) Hurry!
Really, hurry up!

I'm not kidding!

Adrian! Oh! (shrieking)

Help, help! Oh!

- [Adrian] Hold on!

- [Elvira] I can't! I have
to do everything myself?

(blade scratching)
(Elvira shrieking)

(Elvira screams)
(ominous music)

- You can never escape me, Elura.

(ominous rumbling)
(eerie music)

- No, it is you who will
never escape me, Vladimere!

(punch smacks)
(Vladimere grunts)

(Roxana screams)
(dramatic music)

- My eyes! My eyes!
(Roxana screaming)

(Roxana grunting)
(Elvira groaning)

- Whoa, talk about your
dysfunctional families.

Oh!
(Roxana screams)

(dramatic music)
(body crunching)

- My eves, my eyes!

Help, Elura!

(Vladimere screaming)
(Elvira shrieks)

- Elvira!

Adrian! You came too late!

Again.

(Adrian gasps)
(Adrian gags)

Don't worry! We're safe now.

(castle rumbling)
(Elvira grunting)

(suspenseful music)
(blade whooshing)

(Zou Zou whimpering)

Oh, yeah, almost forgot.

- [Adrian] It's your maid,
Zou Zou.

What to do?

Here!

- Okay, keep your shirt on.

We've got everything
under con...

(kazoo whirring)
(Zou Zou screams)

- Oh.

Here, give me your hand!

That's it. (grunts)
(Zou Zou panting)

- Come!
- Come on, come on, hurry!

Move it!

(Zou Zou sobbing incoherently)

Wait! Wait for me, Mistress!

(Bradley groans)
(castle crashing)

- Okay!
- Come! Hurry!

- Oh, God. (whimpering)
This place is coming down!

- Bradley? Where are you going?

- Oh!

Save me!

- Ema, there's no time!
It's you or the family jewels!

- If I ever get out of
here, I'm going to kill you!

- Right, it's the jewels then.

- Damn you, Bradley! Damn you!

(horses neighing)
- Wait, wait!

Oh, great.
(dramatic music)

(castle crashing)
(Bradley groaning)

- Save me!

(Ema screaming)

- My God, it's Ema!

She's still alive.
I must go back.

- No, no, you can't go back
in there. What are you, nuts?

- You don't understand, Elvira.

I'm Ema's illegitimate
half-brother.

- No!

- [Adrian] Bye!

- Come back, you crazy bastard!

(Bradley grunting)
(suspenseful music)

- Mind the gap! (groaning)

My jewels! My jewels!

(groaning)
(body crunching)

- Ema!

Ooh, ow! Ooh!

(castle crashing)

(Elvira sobbing)

(somber orchestral music)

- Thank you, Elvira.

(Elvira gasps)

- Oh, my God!
That's, that's incredible!

- What, Mistress?

That the spirit of Elura
is finally set free?

- No, that, that we can afford
such a groovy special effect!

- Oh, oui! (laughs)
(lighthearted music)

(wolf howling)
(pensive music)

- Remind me never to hitch a
ride in a strange coach again.

(horse neighing)
(both panting)

(both whimpering indistinctly)
(ominous music)

(Zou Zou whimpering)

(Elvira groans)

Yoo-hoo!
(drum boings)

(tires screeching)

(horse neighing)

- Ladies, may I
offer you a ride?

- Whoa, it's like déjà vu
all over again!

So anyway, we're lucky
we even got out of there

with our lives.

- Oui, oui, if it was
not for Elvira,

I would be squished like
a French grape.

- Where did you say
this castle was?

- Just there in the
Carpathian Mountains.

- Yeah, Castle Hellsubus,
you ever heard of it?

(chuckles)

- You could not possibly
have visited there.

- Hello, I think I know
where I just spent

the worst weekend of
my whole life.

- Castle Hellsubus was
destroyed 100 years ago.

(dramatic music)

(wolf howling)
(thunder rumbling)

(horse neighing)
(whip snapping)

(Vladimere laughing)
(ominous music)

(whimsical music)

(jaunty whimsical music)

(pensive music)
(choir vocalizing)

(elegant ominous music)