All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2010) - S02E13 - Swag the Dog_track3_[eng]11

The board of directors
is meeting this week,

And upper management
wants to present a new idea

On how to increase
productivity.

Something impressive that will
razzle‐dazzle them.

Should I get to work
on a musical number?

♪ If your profits‐‐ ♪

And curtain.

(Ted) when the board's in town,
the company always tries

To find ways
to get people to work harder.

From a japanese game show.
Aah!

(Inaudible dialogue)

He's coming.
Quick, let's go light
the candles.

They even tried pumping extra
oxygen into the building.
(Lighter clicks)

Oh!

So what's in the fun bag
this time?

One of the executives
takes his daughters

To a game arcade,
and when they win,

They get tickets,
which they trade in for prizes.

Even though the prizes are
worthless, the little girls

Work themselves into a psychotic
frenzy trying to win them.
So we're replacing
our department

With psychotic little girls?

That was discussed,
but instead,

We're going to reward hard work
by giving people tickets.
For worthless prizes?

You have an impressive handle
on this.

That must be why
they picked you

To run the program
for our department.

Congratulations.

Oh, no.
Ritchie in nanoscience

Wrote a message
in our petri dishes again.

Damn him and his super‐duper
teeny, tiny nano‐pen.

What does it say?

"I rubbed...
See next petri dish."

(Groans)

"My dude berries on your..."
Ugh.

On our what?
Lunch boxes? Doorknobs?

The back of our knees?
Let me see.

"Microscope eyepiece."

Oh!

Oh! My eyes!

Hey, what's up,
junk lovers?

Your eyes enjoying
my man‐gerines?

(Laughs)

What is it about us
that invites ridicule?

I don't know.

We invent neat stuff,
we're delightful,

And yet no one respects us,
not even that cafeteria lady

With that hideous
tongue birthmark

That looks like a smaller
and more hideous tongue.

You know,
we need to find a way

To get ritchie and everyone else
to respect us,

To show them that we're
a quasi‐awesome force of nature.

Like a tornado,

But one that stays out of town
so no one gets hurt.

And I'm the idiot
that has to

Evaluate everyone's work
and hand out prize tickets.

Once again, I regret
not double majoring

In business and carny work

Like my conjoined twin
stock brokers.

Have some pudding.

Mmm. Better.

My mom always says,

"There's nothing in the world
pudding can't cure."

Except for my dad's obesity,

Which it's made
exponentially worse.
Oh, you've got a little
in your hair.

Hmm. Are we
interrupting something?

Uh, no. Linda had pudding
in her hair.
We help each other out.

Yesterday ted had
a turkey dinner on his head.

So is it true?
We're gonna get

Awesome veridian merchandise
if we work hard?

Yeah,
let's go with "awesome."

And I'll be awarding tickets.

I'm gonna save up
for a missile launcher.

I have a problem
with crows in my yard.
Ah.

Actually, the gifts
are more like a sweatshirt

Or a cd player.

Maybe a crow feeder
for linda's lawn.

Yeah, with a sign that says,
"crows, go get other crows."
But crows are impervious
to sarcasm.

Do you have a sign that says,
"stay away crows"?

We do. We have one, but it was
painted by picasso,

So it costs
a million tickets.
(Laughs)

You guys think you're so cool
with your inside jokes.

We've got inside jokes, too.

Hey, susan.
Remember the green hat?
No.

Damn you, susan.

Hey, check it out.
I got 30 tickets.
I only got 20.

I got 23.

Sorry, sheila,
but I did.

Gee, I wonder why linda got
so many more tickets than us.

I wonder why.
What are you saying, sheila?
What are you saying?

I'm saying you're sleeping
with ted.
What?
I'm not sleeping with ted.

And if I were, this envelope
would be much bigger.

It takes more than 30 tickets
to ride this roller coaster.

Hey‐o! Boss in the house.

Everybody put your pants
back on.

Zing‐bang, sir.
(Laughs) yes, I know.

So with the board meeting
this week,

Our former c. E. O. Arthur wells
is in town.

Arthur wells?
That man is a legend.

Wasn't he behind veridian
acquiring ownership

Of the african country of chad

And then renaming it
after his nephew chad?

In his day, he was a genius,

But now he's an old,
horrible pain in the ass.

Really, I can't say
enough bad things about him.

We can't have arthur
wandering around the building

Stirring up trouble.

So I want you to babysit him
while he's here.

Stick with him. Don't let him
out of your sight.
Gee, chet. I'm flattered
you would come to me with this,

But my plate is so full
this week.

(Chuckles) oh, I don't care
about that.

You must be arthur wells.

I recognize you
from the effigies

They burn of you in chad.

Ah, found it.
I'm taking your swipe card.

And...

I also need your help.

I don't know. I'll need to hear
exactly what you want

Before I can tell you
to go to hell.

The board of directors is gonna
try to vote me out this week,

But I've got
an insurance policy

That's gonna keep that
from happening.
This is a receipt

From the airport bar
for seven scotches.
Drinking keeps me warm
and approachable.

Oh, here. It's a map.

My mentor,
who ran this place before me,

Left it to me in his will.

It leads to papers he hid
years ago in this building,

Papers that contain secrets

That could bring
this whole company down.

And while we're searching
for curly's gold,

We can look around
for where you lost your mind.

Oh, the papers are here.
But since I left,

This building's been redesigned
more times than my wife's face.

So I need your help
to find my way around.
Ah, now I can say it.
Go to hell.

I could wander around
by myself.

But who knows
what kind of mischief

A crazy old man like me
could get into.

Have you forgotten the lessons
of "mr. Magoo"?

I wish you were a cartoon.

Then I could say
"yabba‐dabba‐do,"

And that creature from "e. T."
Would attack you.

I didn't watch
a lot of cartoons.

So... Here's something
kind of interesting.

People in the office

Think you're dunkin'
your doughnut in my coffee.

What? But that‐‐that's crazy.
Plus, why am I the doughnut?

I don't know, but apparently
I'm the hot cup of sex

You dip your
strangely circular stuff into.
Why would people think
we're having sex?

You gave me extra tickets.
We joked about crows.

You touched my hair.
But this is horrible.

Horrible?

Are you saying the idea of
sleeping with me is horrible?

No, I'm not saying
you're repulsive.
Whoa! Where did "repulsive"
come from?

All I'm saying is,
if people think

That I'm sleeping with you,
that undermines my credibility

As an executive.

So I'm bad
for your precious career.

This is the frosty scoop
all over again.

And you're derrick spooner,
the night manager.

You mullet‐wearing,
moon‐walking bastard.
At the risk of taking
derrick spooner's side,

Your affair with him
probably took his career

A few sliding steps backwards

While appearing
to move forward.
Actually,
I was the best thing

That ever happened
to derrick spooner

Until he froze to death
in the cooler

While he was getting high.
I am a boss. I need people
to think that I'm impartial.

Maybe we should just stay away
from each other for a while,

Let the whole sex thing die out.
It worked for my parents.

Fine. Let's just stay away
from each other, ted.

Right now, I'm thinking
that won't be a problem.

Turns out, people really like
getting useless stuff,

And so the ticket system
caught on immediately.

Okay, you know how we're looking
to get a little respect?

What if we got that marionette
and put on

An awesome,
kick‐ass puppet show?
With one marionette?

Okay, how about this?

Hal holbrook
as mark twain.

You mean we dress up
the marionette as hal holbrook

Doing mark twain?
No, the marionette's
not in it anymore.

We get hal holbrook
to come to veridian

And do mark twain.
I'm still not seeing it.

Okay, what if we stage a fight
where we beat up hal holbrook?

As mark twain?
No, mark twain's
not in it anymore.

I don't know.
Yeah, maybe there's
nothing there.

Hey. What if we get these
veridian dynamics belt buckles?

They'd earn us some respect.

It'd be like having a rolex
holding up your pants.

They cost 200 tickets.
Ted only gave us 20

For our presentation
on planetary resources

Even though we talked
for ten minutes

About mining uranus
without giggling.

(Giggles) I know.

You can't find hydrocarbons
on a gas planet.

(Laughs) I know.
(Laughs)

So now I'm stuck leading

This walking liver spot
around the building

Trying to read
this indecipherable,

Booze‐soaked map and...

Are you petting me?
I am moving your hair
out of your eyes.

It's something I do
for everybody.

My hair's in a bun.

It can't get in my eyes
unless you scalp me

And throw the whole works
back in my face.

(Lowered voice) people think
I'm having an affair with linda

Because I groomed her
in public.
Hmm. I'd judge you,
but I'm on a treasure hunt.

Oh, he's out of the bathroom
and on the move.

Here I go, making good use
of my stanford education.

Ted.

I traded my tickets
for this sweatshirt,

But it's too tight.

I have a bit of a bosom.
I have to be careful.

So take it back, lonnie.
They said no exchanges.

You're the swag master, ted.
Help me.

Well, I'd like to, but that
would be special treatment,

And I don't give
special treatment to anybody.

I see
where this is going, ted,

And I'm not giving you
a firm no.

I will take that
as a firm no.

This ticket thing
is circling the drain.

Swag!

See, this is
the kind of craziness

I would normally talk
to linda about.

(Beeping)

Sorry, spooner.
Didn't see you there.

She's mad at me.

But I'm doing the right thing.

She'll get over it. Right?

I saw ritchie
at the swag station

Looking at our veridian
dynamics belt buckles.

What if he gets one first?
What are we gonna do?
We still need 180 tickets.

Mm. Actually, we need 190.
I spent 10 on hillbilly teeth.

You what?

Oh, how can I be mad at you?

If only there was a way
to get more tickets now

So that we could be the first
one to get those buckles.

What if we printed up
a bunch of fake tickets?

Then when we earn
the real ones,

We tear those ones up.

It would be like
giving ourselves a loan.

And borrowing
against the future

Is what built this country.

It's true, phil.

That's what made our economy
the envy of the world.
Mm‐hmm.

Here are 400 tickets. You can
counterfeit 'em. It's easy.

I mean, you can count 'em.
It's easy.

It's not easy to
counterfeit 'em.

It takes hours.

I mean, it would have
if we did,

Which we did...
Not do.

Hi.
These tickets are real,

And we'd like
two belt buckles.

Wow. I'm so impressed. You guys
have so many tickets.

I don't even have enough
to get this baby tee.

I bet she'd respect
a couple of fellas

Who could give her
some tickets.

Let's print more tickets.
Let's print them all.

(Electricity crackles)

If we go down any deeper
in this building,

We'll come up in the basement
of our hong kong office.

Dear god! You've said
that joke six times.

This is our last subbasement.

If your make‐believe treasure
is anyplace in this building,

Which it isn't,

We'll find it here,
which we won't.

Two cinder blocks west,
four up from the floor.

(Taps on block)

It's hollow.
There's something back here.

Really? Let me see.

Oh!

Oh, my god.
I found it.

I'm building you a car
that runs on saltwater,

And all I get
is a lousy 15 tickets?
Jimmy, all you've shown me

Is a toy car,
a cup of saltwater

And some transparently
desperate confidence.
(Voice breaks) it'll work.

Yeah, that.
Hey, ted,
this yo‐yo doesn't glow.

What kind of crap
are you trying to pull?

It has to be dark, lonnie.

This ticket thing
is out of control.

Lonnie is mad because his yo‐yo
doesn't glow in the light.

A‐and patricia's mad because
she expected her sea‐monkeys

To be reading a newspaper
and riding a bike,

But the whole thing's
just murky water.
What are you doing? You're not
supposed to be talking to me.

People will think you love
the hideous girl.
I did not call you hideous.
I called you repulsive.

And I didn't
call you repulsive either.

Besides, nobody's watching.
We can talk.
Sorry, ted.

You lost the right to talk to me
when you decided you care more

About what the people
in the office think

Than you do about
our friendship.
I care about our friendship.
I c‐‐i‐‐ahem.

There is that tea
I've been looking for.

Mm. Herbal.

Does that look mean
you want tea?

Look, linda. I really
miss talking to you.

Poor ted.
Why don't you smoke that tea,

Climb into that freezer
and pull a full‐on spooner?

Check it out.

Bam.

Pull. Bam.

Ye‐haw.
Hold the elevator.

Thanks for your help, buddy.

Thanks for the tickets.

You guys rock.

How you feelin', my friend?

Feelin' huge.

Respect, baby.

That's all I'm sayin'.

There are documents in here.

Okay, here's
what's gonna happen.

First, I'm gonna apologize
for calling you crazy.

Second, I'm gonna turn these
damaging company secrets

Over to my boss so I'll be
a hero for saving the company.

And third, if you're nice,

I'll help you find your way
out of the basement.
If I may respond?

Hmm?

♪

(Grunts)

Oh!

(Panting)
(grunting)

Oh! (Grunts)

(Grunts)

♪

Oh!

(Grunts)

I once got in a fight

At a cut‐your‐own
christmas tree lot,

So I know how to use this,
and I made my own end table.

♪

Yah! Ha ha ha!
You're stuck, princess.

Feliz navidad, butt munch.

(Sawing)

♪

(Exhales deeply)
sawing is hard.

So is holding up wood.

All right, new idea.

Oh!
(Wood clatters)

♪

Okay, what if we break up?

What are you talking about?
We'll spread a rumor
that we broke up.

And then when our pretend
relationship's over,

We can be friends again.
That's a great idea. In fact,
it's such a great idea,

Why wait for a rumor to spread?
You no‐good louse!

Oh, dear.
That's right, crisp.

I'm breaking up with you
right here and right now.

Well, then it's over. Bye.

You want to know why?
Actually I said "bye"
not "why".

Okay, I'll tell you why.
Because you're selfish.

Everything is about
your career,

Your job, your... Hair.

Then after you neglect me, you
realize how spectacular I am,

And you try to make it up
with gifts.

Oh, the gifts.

Gee, I sound like a monster.

The jewelry, flowers,
clothes, cattle.

Cattle?

Yes, cattle.
What were you thinking?

Uh, they looked smaller
in the catalog?

Well, they were huge.
And you and I are through.

(Employees murmuring)

Poor ted.

Poor, sad ted.

Here's a hundred tickets.

Buy yourself
a little pick‐me‐up.

Wait. Where'd you ge
these tickets?

Your work sucks.

My name is mark twain,
and I am made of wood.

I want to be a real boy.

Let me know

When you're open to
some constructive criticism.

I need ten tickets. I'll pay
for 'em with this pie.

Oh!
Oh! You come in here
and talk to us like this?

I thought you liked pie.
We do like pie, ritchie.

You know what else we like?
Respect.

We're not selling tickets.

Now if you come to us
as a friend...

Then tickets
will rain down on you.

Then may I give you
this pie as a friend?

I love this guy.
Nice.

Hey, ted. Whoa!
Look at all these tickets.

We think ritchie
is counterfeiting them.

Screw you guys.
(Chuckles)

Can you believe
what that guy did?

It was us.
All us.

I'm taking away
your puppet

Because I want you
to think about what you did.

Not the puppet, ted.
Yes, the puppet.

(Sighs)

This has to hurt
or you'll never learn.

(Whimpers)
he did you a favor.
That show was going nowhere.

When did you say
your mentor hid these?

1962.

Well, he was really sitting
on something back then.

"Smoking causes cancer"?

What else they got in there,
eve eats apple?

These documents are useless,
arthur.

And now I got nothing

To keep the board
from voting me out.

You know the hardest thing?
I still get ideas.

Well, maybe you could work
somewhere else.

I see a lot of older people
mall walking.

I don't know
what that pays.

You give your whole life
to a place,

And then when they're done with
you, they just turn you out.

I hope they never
do this to you.

I'm gonna kill
the ticket thing.

Do you care?

No.

Really? 'Cause you seem to be
taking it kind of hard.

It's arthur. There really
were secret documents,

But they turned out
to be worthless.

So now they're gonna
throw him off the board.
But I thought you hated him.

I did, and then
he grabbed me by the ankles

And attacked me with a piece
of wood, and everything changed.

He's given his life
to this place, ted,

Just like I have.

Man, I kicked him hard
in the balls.
(Knock on door)

Veronica, ted,
I just wanted to thank you

For keeping an eye on arthur.

He's in the boardroom right now.
We're about to vote him out.

Actually, before you move
on arthur, sir,

You should know that
he found some documents,

And if you vote him off
the board,

He'll expose
the company's worst secret.

That's right.
I'm saying that.

Wait a minute.
He found out the... Thing?

Yes. He knows
all about the thing.

Oh, god.
If he knows about the thing,

He must also know about
the other thing,

Which would ruin the thing
we all live on.

Apparently so, sir.

I think he even knows
about the stuff.

Oh, that's okay.
Everybody knows about the stuff.

But the thing,
that's going to be a problem.

Well, I guess arthur stays.

Well, that was nice,
what you did.

Well, when the company decides
it's my time to go,

I just hope somebody
stands up for me.
Well, don't worry.

By then, the stuff will have
probably gotten all of us.
Don't joke
about the stuff, ted.

It can tell
and it doesn't like it.

This place is scary.

Really? I'm just
getting comfortable with it.

(Knock on door)

Sorry I unloaded on you
when we broke up.

Well, I had it coming. I kind of
freaked out when you said

That everyone thought
we were sleeping together.
You kind of did.

For the record, if we were in
a real relationship,

I wouldn't care what anyone
said about anything.

What are you saying?
I'm saying what I'm saying.

That's not acceptable. You have
to actually say something.

I missed you.

And if we were
in a relationship,

I would want
everyone to know.

I'd scream it
from a mountaintop

Or whatever the straight
equivalent of that is.

There is no straight equivalent
for that.

And I missed you, too.

♪

(Door opens)

Why didn't you tell us
what "v. D." Meant?
Why?

So what do we think
of ted and linda kissing?

I'm for it. I like it when
attractive people kiss.

Me, too. I like it when
attractive people do anything.

I was once knocked off
my roller skates

By a beautiful woman
driving a bus.

It was very pleasant.
It's too bad ted's making us
get rid of all these.

We're just gonna
set these here

While we both
go to the bathroom.

We just both have to go.

It happens.

Unless ted's wrong
about human nature,

In five minutes, so many tickets
will flood the swag counter,

The whole system
will crash.

Look at that.

Disgusting.

Except for those two
attractive people.

Yes, that part
is very pleasant.

Hmm.

(Employees
speaking indistinctly)