All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2010) - S02E12 - Its a Party and Ill Lie If I Want To_track3_[eng]

♪

EVERYBODY LIES
ONCE IN A WHILE.

HEY, JOE. THOSE MUTTONCHOPS‐‐
TOTALLY WORKING FOR YOU.

HEY. AW, IS THAT THE TIE
ROSE PICKED OUT FOR YOU?
NO.

OH. IT'S NICE.

BUT MAYBE TELLING LITTLE LIES
ISN'T SO BAD.

FOR EXAMPLE, I SHOULD HAVE LIED
AND SAID ROSE BOUGHT THIS TIE.

(Lem) ONCE THE BLACK BOX
IS ACTIVATED,

IT CAN DETECT ANY LIE
TOLD BY ANYBODY IN THE ROOM.

IT ANALYZES
SPEECH SOUND WAVES

AND CAN IDENTIFY
THE DISTORTION IN OUR VOICES

CREATED BY THE STRESS OF LYING,
AND IT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL.

(buzzes)
SEE? IT DOES WORK. (chuckles)

I NEVER HAD ANY DOUBTS.
(buzz)

OKAY, I HAD A SMALL DOUBT.
(buzz)

OKAY, EVERY DAY,
I AM INCAPACITATED BY FEAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THE MAGIC COMES FROM,

AND I'M TERRIFIED
THAT ONE DAY I'LL WAKE UP,

AND IT WILL ALL BE GONE,
AND I'LL END UP ALONE

LIVING IN MY BROTHER'S BASEMENT
WITH HIS TRAINS.

BUZZ, DAMN YOU!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT
A PLACE OF BUSINESS...

SINCE WE'RE MARKETING THIS
FOR THE MILITARY,

WE HAVE GIVEN THIS PROJECT OUR
TOP‐LEVEL SECURITY CLEARANCE.

CURRENTLY, WE'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO KNOW ABOUT IT.
(buzz)

ALL RIGHT! I TOLD MY SHRINK.

HE SAYS IT'S BECAUSE I WANT HIM
TO THINK I'M IMPORTANT.
LET ME TRY.

EVERY SPRING
ON A REMOTE ISLAND,

SEAN CONNERY AND I HUNT
THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME‐‐

MAN.

I'VE ALSO POISONED
ONE OF YOU.

AND BEFORE THIS DAY IS DONE,

I'M GOING TO FORCE TWO OF YOU
TO MAKE LOVE.

OH, MY GOD! I'M DYING.
I CAN'T BREATHE! (coughs)

GOOD LUCK, YOU TWO.

DON'T LET THE INTIMACY
HURT THE FRIENDSHIP.
RELAX, I'M LYING.

I'M ABLE TO WILL MYSELF
TO BELIEVE WHATEVER I SAY.

THAT'S WHY YOUR MACHINE
COULDN'T TELL.

AS VERONICA HAS DEMONSTRATED

WITH HER ALARMING MIXTURE
OF SEX AND DEATH,

YOU TWO NEED TO RECALIBRATE THIS

SO THAT EVEN SHE CAN'T FOOL IT.
(door opens)

HEY, IT'S MY FAVORITE PEOPLE.
(buzz)

CHET, WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU, SIR?

ACTUALLY,
I'M HERE TO SEE TED.

ARE YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER STILL
UP FOR MINIATURE GOLF TODAY

WITH ME AND OLIVIA?

LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, SIR.

EXCELLENT. I'VE GOT MY CLUBS
AND I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU.

OH, MY.
THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY. I'VE NEVER
HIT ANYONE WITH A GOLF CLUB.
(buzz)

AT LEAST, NOT ON PURPOSE.
(buzz)

HEY,
WHAT'S THIS FUN MACHINE?
IT'S JUST A RANDOM BUZZER.

(buzz)
IT'S WORKING.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO
GET BACK UPSTAIRS

AND PUT SOME MORE EVIL
INTO THE WORLD.

(door closes)

WHAT DID YOU THINK,
YOU'RE ELVES IN THE NORTH POLE?

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WORK.

SO YOU'RE JETTING OFF

FOR A GLAMOROUS GOLF GAME
WITH THE BOSS.
IT'S HARDLY GLAMOROUS.

ON THE FINAL HOLE,
YOU HAVE TO PUTT THE BALL

INTO THE MOUTH OF A RABBIT
WHO, FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS,

IS NAMED SCHMUGS SCHMUNNY.

(sighs) IT'S NOT FAIR‐‐
ALL YOU PEOPLE WITH YOUR KIDS,

PALLING AROUND AFTER HOURS,
NETWORKING,

ADVANCING YOUR CAREERS.
AND I GET LEFT BEHIND
JUST BECAUSE

I DON'T WANT TO TURN MY UTERUS
INTO A HUMAN VEAL FARM.

WELL, SOME CALL IT
THE MIRACLE OF LIFE, BUT OKAY.

LOOK, CHET'S DAUGHTER OLIVIA
AND ROSE

BOTH GO TO
THE VERIDIAN AFTERCARE PROGRAM,

AND THEY'VE
GOTTEN TO BE FRIENDS,

LIKE TWO CUTLETS
IN A SCALOPPINE.

SO I FIGURED
IT WOULD BE GOOD TO
GET SOME FACE TIME
WITH THE BOSS.

JUST BE CAREFUL, TED.

THERE'S A REASON
IT'S CALLED THE KID MAFIA.

BECAUSE YOU STARTED
CALLING IT THAT?

YES. AND BECAUSE ONE MINUTE,
YOU'RE FLYING HIGH WITH CHET,

AND THE NEXT,
YOU'RE BURIED IN THE DESERT
WITH A BULLET IN YOUR SKULL,

OR WHATEVER
THE KID EQUIVALENT IS‐‐

PROBABLY SOMETHING
WITH POOP.

THIS IS MY CALM VOICE!
DO YOU WANNA HEAR MY
UNCALM VOICE?

DAMN IT!

WOW.
LINDA SEEMS PRETTY UPSET.

YEAH, SOMEONE
SHOULD DO SOMETHING.
DEFINITELY.

YOU MEAN SOMEONE ELSE, RIGHT?

IDEALLY.
OR WE COULD.

WEAREHER FRIENDS.
YEAH, BUT DOES SHE
CONSIDER US CLOSE FRIENDS?

CLOSE ENOUGH TO LET US
CARRY HER BURDENS?

IF WE WERE
WALKING ALONG THE BEACH,

WOULD THERE BE THREE SETS
OF FOOTPRINTS OR TWO OR NONE?

I CONSIDER YOU CLOSE ENOUGH
TO HEAR EVERYTHING YOU'RE
SAYING.

HEY, LINDA.
HOW'S IT GOING?

(sighs)
MY BROTHER SMASHED UP MY CAR,

AND I NEED $5,000
TO GET IT FIXED.

THE COMPANY SAID
THEY WOULDN'T ADVANCE IT TO ME

UNLESS I AGREED TO CARRY
A CLONED ORANGUTAN TO TERM.

I WOULDN'T DO IT.
ORANGUTAN ARMS ARE SO LONG,

THEY'D POKE OUT
WAY BEFORE THE REST OF THEM.

THE LAST TWO WEEKS
OF THE PREGNANCY,

THEY'LL BE PICKING UP
EVERYTHING YOU DROP.
THANK YOU.

FINALLY, I HAVE A GOOD REASON
NOT TO BE IMPLANTED WITH

AN ORANGUTAN EMBRYO.

HEY, WHAT IF WE LOANED YOU
THE MONEY?
YEAH.

OH, YOU GUYS ARE SWEET,

BUT I CAN'T BORROW MONEY
FROM YOU.
OF COURSE NOT.

ONLY A REALLY GOOD FRIEND
WOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH

TO BORROW MONEY.
WE OVERREACHED.

WE HAVE BEEN RIGHTFULLY SHAMED,
AND WE SHALL NOW TAKE OUR LEAVE.

GUYS, YOU ARE MY FRIENDS.
THEN PROVE IT
AND TAKE OUR MONEY.

DO IT, LINDA. TALK IS CHEAP.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY.

EXCELLENT! THEN IT'S TIME
TO LOWER THE GANGPLANK

AND WELCOME YOU ABOARD
THE FRIEND SHIP.

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE US
FOR THAT.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

I'VE NEVER SEEN OLIVIA
SO CRAZY FOR ANYONE

AS SHE IS FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

KIDS‐‐THERE'S
JUST NO RHYME OR REASON

TO SOME OF THE RIDICULOUS THINGS
THEY GET ATTACHED TO.

YEAH. WAIT, WHAT?
OLIVIA USED TO PLAY WITH
JOE MULLEN'S DAUGHTER

BUT THAT GIRL WAS
RELENTLESSLY COMPETITIVE

AND GOOD AT THINGS.

JOE MULLEN... WAIT, WASN'T HE
RECENTLY TRANSFERRED TO NIGERIA?

(laughs) YEAH.

I REMEMBER HE WAS NERVOUS
ABOUT ALL THE KIDNAPPINGS.

HE‐‐HE DESCRIBED IT AS
A "RANSOM‐BASED ECONOMY."
(laughs) YEAH.

I'M SURE HE LIVES
IN CONSTANT FEAR.

IT'S NOT FAIR!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SWEETHEART?

ROSE KEEPS WINNING.
IF I'M SO SPECIAL,
WHY AREN'T I WINNING?

MAYBE YOU'RE JUST
NOT SPECIAL AT GOLF.

YOU'RE SPECIAL
AT SCREAMING REALLY LOUD.

HEY, OLIVIA, UH, DON'T‐‐
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THERE'S STILL
ANOTHER HOLE LEFT,

AND THAT IS
THE ONLY HOLE THAT MATTERS.

WHOEVER WINS THAT ONE
WINS THE WHOLE GAME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST GO TEE UP.

NICELY HANDLED, TED.

HEY, WE HAVE THE GALAXY OMEGA
PROJECT COMING UP.

I THINK IT COULD BENEFIT
FROM YOUR PEOPLE SKILLS.

BOY, I‐‐I'D LOVE TO BE
PART OF GALAXY OMEGA.

IT'S GONNA CHANGE THE WAY
WE COMMUNICATE WITH ANIMALS,

WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW,
HAS BEEN TALKING TO THEM,

GETTING FRUSTRATED WITH THEM
AND THEN EATING THEM.

COME BY MY OFFICE,
AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

(Chet) HIT IT, HONEY.

HONEY?
HEY, I HAVE A FUN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU LET OLIVIA WIN?

TH‐THERE'S NOTHING MORE FUN
THAN LOSING ON PURPOSE.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?

(sighs)

GREAT.
INSTEAD OF WORKING ON

THE COMPANY'S MOST EXCITING
PROJECT, I'LL GET CANNED.

GOD FORBID SHE LOSES
AT MINIATURE GOLF.

OLIVIA SANK IT IN TWO,
TED.

HEAVEN HELP US ALL.

I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT ROSE.
SHE WOULD HATE NIGERIA.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY‐‐
IT'S NOT JUST THE HEAT,

IT'S THE DRIVING AROUND
IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR,

NOT KNOWING
IF YOU'RE GONNA LIVE OR DIE.

WHERE'S MY BALL?

WHERE'S... MY... BALL?

IT FLEW INTO THE BUSHES.

FLEW OR WAS KICKED?

OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW
I PRETEND NOT TO SEE

WHEN YOU HIDE YOUR PEAS
UNDER YOUR MASHED POTATOES?

CAN YOU JUST CUT ME
A LITTLE OF THAT?

GUYS, I REALLY APPRECIATE
THIS LOAN.

NOW I CAN GET MY CAR FIXED

AND STOP COMMUTING WITH
MUTTONCHOP JOE, WHO‐‐

BIG SURPRISE‐‐
IS THE PRESIDENT

OF THE VIRGINITY CLUB
AT HIS CHURCH.

HEY, SINCE WE'RE
SUCH GOOD FRIENDS,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US
THIS WEEKEND

FOR A LITTLE ADVENTURE WE CALL
"BOWLING AND NACHOS."

WE GO BOWLING
AND WE ORDER NACHOS...
MY, THAT IS AN ADVENTURE‐‐

BUT WE DON'T EAT
THE NACHOS.
NO, WE DO NOT.

WE BRING THEM BACK TO THE LAB
AND ANALYZE THE CHEESE SAUCE

TO DETERMINE HOW MUCH OF IT
IS ACTUAL CHEESE.

IF ONE OF US BOWLS A HIGHER
SCORE THAN THE PERCENTAGE
OF CHEESE,

THEN WE GET BLASTED.
OH!

I DO LIKE BOWLING AND I LOVE
GETTINGBLASTED,

BUT I CAN'T.
I HAVE TO WORK.
(buzz)

WHAT'S THAT?
JUST SOMETHING WE INVENTED
THAT BUZZES.

(buzz)
HEY, WE CAN'T ALL BE
THOMAS EDISON.

BUT MORE ABOUT THIS WORK
YOU HAVE TO DO?

YEAH, I'VE GOT THIS
BIG REPORT...
(buzz)

THAT'S DUE MONDAY...
(buzz)

SO I GOTTA WORK ON IT
ALL WEEKEND.
(buzz)

THAT THING'S
REALLY ANNOYING.

WELL, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD
YOU'RE TAKING OUR MONEY, LINDA.

GOD, I'M PATHETIC.

I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT

SABOTAGING MY DAUGHTER
AT MINI‐GOLF.

I MADE IT UP TO HER.

ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT SUPER PROUD
OF HOW I DID THAT, EITHER.

(slurping)

AH, MMM. AREN'T THESE
GOOD ROOT BEER FLOATS?
(slurping)

I'M SORRY, HONEY.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME?

(belches)

DADDY!
HI, SWEETHEART.

HI. MM.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
A GRIND.
I DON'T LIKE OLIVIA ANYMORE,

AND NOW SHE WANTS ME
TO GO TO HER BIRTHDAY.

WELL,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO...

UNLESS YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
BECAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE CAKE.

AND ON THE WAY, YOU CAN
SIT IN MY LAP AND DRIVE THE CAR.

AND‐‐AND I'LL LET YOU
CUT DADDY'S HAIR.

I'M GOING TO GO
GRAB MY LUNCHBOX.

WHEN I COME BACK,
YOU TRY NOT TO BE WEIRD.

HELLO, TED.
OOH, I LIKE THIS PLACE.

IT MAKES ME FEEL
SO TALL AND BUSTY.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I COME.

SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DOWN HERE?
I'VE JOINED THE KID MAFIA.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY
ASS‐KISSING CAREER WHORE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

I'M NOT GONNA LET CHET
GO OVER MY HEAD

AND GIVE YOU
THE GALAXY OMEGA PROJECT

JUST BECAUSE
YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.
IT REALLY MAKES YOU CRAZY

THAT I MIGHT GET SOMETHING THAT
YOU CAN'T HAVE, DOESN'T IT?

PLUS, YOU CAN'T JOIN
THE KID MAFIA WITHOUT A KID.

I DO HAVE A KID.
IT'S MY NIECE. WE'RE VERY CLOSE.

HELLO, LUCY!
HANNAH.

EVERYTHING'S A FIGHT
WITH YOU.

SO DID YOU PLAY
WITH OLIVIA TODAY?
A LITTLE BIT.

THE GIRL I REALLY LIKE IS ROSE.
ROSE? ROSE GETS US NOTHING.

TEDDY‐O. VERONICA.

SOMETIMES ADDING AN "E‐O"
JUST MAKES A NAME MORE FUN.

ALTHOUGH, IT DOESN'T WORK
WITH VERONICA.

MIGHT I SUGGEST
THE VERONICA‐MEISTER?

WE'LL SEE.

SO, CHET, MY NIECE
JUST JOINED THIS GYM,

AND SHE'S GOTTEN
VERY CLOSE TO OLIVIA

AND WOULD LOVE TO
GET TOGETHER WITH HER,
MAYBE FOR LUNCH OR DRINKS?

OLIVIA IS HAVING A BIRTHDAY
THIS WEEKEND.

MAYBE SHE'D LIKE TO
COME TO THAT.
(Veronica) WE'LL BE THERE.

IT'LL BE A PERFECT CHANCE
FOR ME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

WHY I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF
THE GALAXY OMEGA PROJECT.

ROSE AND I WILL BE THERE,
TOO, SIR, BECAUSE ROSE
LOVES OLIVIA.

SO I GUESS WE'LL BOTH BE
AT YOUR DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

WHERE IS SHE REGISTERED,
SIR?

(Ted) HOW DO YOU CONVINCE
AN 8‐YEAR‐OLD GIRL

TO GO TO A PARTY
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO?

I HAVE NO IDEA,
SO I THOUGHT I'D ASK SOMEONE

WHO USED TO BE
AN 8‐YEAR‐OLD GIRL.

GET HER A BEAUTIFUL,
SPARKLY, PINK PARTY DRESS

AND A PRINCESS TIARA.
IF SHE DOESN'T WANT IT,

I HAVE AN EVENT COMING UP
I'D WEAR IT TO.

ACTUALLY, GETTING ROSE A DRESS
IS A GOOD IDEA. THANKS, LINDA.

YOU REALLY ARE A GIRL.
YES, I AM.

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE GENITALS‐‐
IT'S A WHOLE LIFESTYLE.

TED?
TED?

HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS LINDA?

SPECIFICALLY, DID YOU KNOW
SHE'S A HUGE LIAR?
WE THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS,

BUT SHE MADE UP SOME STORY
ABOUT HAVING TO WORK

SO SHE COULD AVOID HANGING OUT
WITH US THIS WEEKEND.

OUR SELF‐RESPECT DEMANDS
A HARSH RESPONSE.

WE'RE THINKING ABOUT
BRINGING HER COFFEE
AND A BAGEL EVERY MORNING.

THEN, WHEN SHE'S GROWN
ACCUSTOMED TO IT,

WE'LL INEXPLICABLY STOP.

GUYS, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TALK TO LINDA?

TELL HER YOUR FEELINGS ARE HURT
AND... WAIT A SECOND.

YOU GUYS STOPPED BRINGING ME
A BAGEL AND COFFEE

TWO WEEKS AGO.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

MAYBE TED'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TALK TO LINDA.

THAT IS WHAT FRIENDS DO.
IT'S HARD BEING FRIENDS
WITH GIRLS.

IT'S HARD BEING FRIENDS
WITH GUYS.

I WISH THERE WAS A THIRD
GENDER‐‐

SOMETHING WITH BOOBS
THAT WAS INCAPABLE OF JUDGMENT.

SO I JUST WANTED TO
GO OVER THE PLANS FOR SATURDAY.

EVERYBODY SHOULD TRY
TO GET TO MY PLACE BY 8:00,

AND BE PREPARED TO STAY LATE.

THIS THING COULD GET
KINDA CRAZY. OH, YEAH.

BEER, HARD LIQUOR, EVERYTHING,
EVEN STRIPPERS.

SHE'S HAVING A PARTY.

THAT'S WHY SHE'S NOT
HANGING OUT WITH US.

AND THEY'RE GOING TO
WEAR SLIPPERS!

THOSE THINGS ARE SO COMFORTABLE!
AND SHE DIDN'T INVITE US?

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF
A FRIEND DOES THAT?

LET'S GET HER
A BAGEL AND SOME COFFEE.

IT IS TIME TO START
LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR PAIN.

IN THREE TO SIX WEEKS,

SHE IS NOT GOING TO KNOW
WHAT HIT HER.

I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN WAIT THAT LONG.
(gasps)

WE NEED ANOTHER PLAN‐‐

SOMETHING WITH MORE BITE THAT
DOESN'T TAKE WEEKS AND WEEKS

AND OFTEN GOES UNNOTICED.

(children shouting indistinctly)

HI, TED. WHERE'S ROSE?

SHE IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
OH, REALLY?

BECAUSE I SAW YOU BOTH GET OUT
OF THE CAR, AND IT WAS JUST YOU.

DID YOU DRIVE SEPARATELY?

DID YOU SHRINK HER
AND PUT HER IN YOUR POCKET?

OKAY, I COULDN'T
GET ROSE TO COME.

I FIGURED SINCE THERE'D
BE A MILLION KIDS HERE,

I COULD BRING A PRESENT,
CARRY HER SWEATER‐‐

NOBODY WOULD KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.

OH, TED, I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING

TO GET THE GALAXY OMEGA PROJECT.
IT'S ALL SO SAD AND DESPERATE.

CAN I HAVE SOME MORE TOKENS?
OF COURSE, HANNAH.

WHAT? THAT'S MY NIECE'S NAME,
ISN'T IT?

YES, BUT THAT'S NOT
YOUR NIECE.
YES, IT IS.

(repeating) NO, IT'S NOT.
(repeating) YES, IT IS.

(continues)

WE COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT.
YES, IT IS.

SWEETHEART, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL SOMEBODY?

ALL RIGHT, I BORROWED
MY NEIGHBOR'S KID.

HERE ARE SOME MORE TOKENS.
GO BE NICE TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL.

MY SISTER PULLED THE PLUG
ON HANNAH

WHEN SHE FOUND OUT
I WAS USING HER FOR MY CAREER.

SHE THOUGHT I'D DEVELOPED
A GENUINE INTEREST IN THE CHILD.

WHAT REALLY HURTS IN ALL THIS

IS HOW LITTLE
MY OWN SISTER KNOWS ME.
AND YOU CALLED ME DESPERATE?

VERONICA, YOU ARE NEVER
GONNA PULL THIS OFF.

TH‐THAT GIRL IS‐‐
IS AT LEAST TWO YEARS OLDER.

SHE'S TALLER.
HER EYES ARE A DIFFERENT COLOR.

SHE'S A DIFFERENT HUMAN BEING.

YOU'RE JUST
FREAKISHLY OBSERVANT.

UNLESS IT'S A BIG‐TICKET ITEM
LIKE RACE

OR NOT BEING A SWEATER,
NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE.

VERONICA, THERE'S SOMETHING ODD
ABOUT YOUR NIECE.

SHE DOESN'T LOOK QUITE RIGHT.

HEY‐O!

(laughs) YOU SEE THAT?
I PUT A HAT ON HER FACE.

HATS DON'T BELONG THERE.

INSPIRED LUNACY, SIR.

HEY,
I'M GLAD YOU BOTH MADE IT.

THAT WEASEL BOB SIMMONS SAID
HE AND HIS DAUGHTER WERE COMING,

AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP.
WHAT KIND OF A MAN DOES THAT?

A VILLAIN, SIR.

HE SHOULD BE FORCED
TO CARRY AN ORANGUTAN TO TERM.

NOW WHERE'S ROSE?

OLIVIA'S BEEN ASKING FOR HER
SINCE WE GOT HERE.

UH, ROSE IS, UH...
BURIED IN THE BALL PIT.

YOU SAW HER, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU AND YOUR REAL NIECE?

YES, WE DID.

FOR NOW.

GOOD. SO MY DAUGHTER'S HERE.
VERONICA'S REAL NIECE IS HERE.

EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE.

(woman) LYING‐‐
IT'S ALWAYS WRONG.

BUT SOMETIMES
COMPANIES HAVE TO SAY THINGS

THAT AREN'T 100% TRUE.

IS THAT WRONG?

NO.

WHEN COMPANIES AREN'T TRUTHFUL,
IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE'RE BAD.

IT'S BECAUSE WE UNDERSTAND
THINGS THAT YOU DON'T...

THIS IS IT.

THIS IS WHERE LINDA
AND HER BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS

ARE HAVING A PARTY‐‐
A PARTY WHICH WE SHALL DESTROY

WITH OUR UNCOMFORTABLE,
SILENT ANGER.

NOW WHAT'S THE PLAN?

GET DRUNK‐‐DONE.
RIGHT.

WALK TEN MILES FROM THE BAR
TO LINDA'S PLACE‐‐DONE.

GET CHASED BY A HOMELESS GUY
WITH A STICK,

WHICH WE DIDN'T PLAN,
BUT... DONE.

KEEP DOWN THE TEQUILA, WHICH IS
COMING BACK UP ON ME... DONE.

MOM, DAD, FATHER TODD‐‐

I'M GRATEFUL WE COULD
ALL BE HERE TONIGHT

TO SAVE
MY BEAUTIFUL BROTHER JUSTIN,

JUSTIN, YOUR DRINKING
HAS AFFECTED ME

IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS‐‐
YAZOO, BITCHES!

YOU'RE BUSTED,
OUR LITTLE LIAR FRIEND.

YOU'RE NOT AT WORK.
YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY.
THIS IS SO NOT A PARTY.

OH, COME ON. PEANUTS,
PEOPLE CRYING, A PRIEST?

THAT'S A PARTY, BABY.

YEAH, STRIPPER PRIEST.
TAKE IT OFF, FATHER SEXY!
OOH!

YOU IDIOTS, WE'RE HAVING
AN INTERVENTION.

OHH.
OHH.

THE NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO GOD,
COULD YOU NOT MENTION THIS?

HERE, WE'RE DONE DRINKING
FOR TONIGHT.

JUST KEEP IT AWAY
FROM THE ALCOHOLIC.

WORKING ON GALAXY OMEGA
WOULD BE SO EXCITING,

BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE
WITH ANIMALS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL
A GIRAFFE HOW STUPID IT LOOKS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO ASK A BABOON

WHY THEY'RE CALLED BABOONS.

IT'S SUCH A RIDICULOUS NAME.
BABOON.

AND‐‐AND THERE MAY BE
OTHER APPLICATIONS

BEYOND INSULTING ANIMALS, LIKE
LEARNING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

UGH, DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH HUMANS
COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT?

NOW I HAVE TO LISTEN
TO SOME HIPPIE BEAR

WHINING THAT I'M EATING
ALL HIS SALMON.
I CAN'T FIND ROSE.

I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
NOBODY'S SEEN HER.

WELL, I'M SURE
SHE'S SOMEWHERE.
MAYBE SHE'S BEEN MURDERED.

OH, MY GOD. SHE HASN'T
BEEN MURDERED. STOP THAT.

I'M SURE SHE HASN'T
BEEN MURDERED, HONEY.
YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT.

ROSE HAS NOT BEEN MURDERED.
COULD WE STOP TALKING

ABOUT MY DAUGHTER BEING
OR NOT BEING MURDERED?

ALL THIS TALK OF MURDERING ROSE
HAS GOT ME SPOOKED.

AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE SHE IS.

I'M CALLING SECURITY.
NO, NO. DON'T DO THAT.

WHAT KIND OF A FATHER ARE YOU?
SHE'S MISSING, TED.

YOU. YOU.
I NEED ANOTHER DIET COLA.

OH, AND THIS ONE'S DAUGHTER
IS MISSING.

WE THINK SHE'S BEEN MURDERED.

WHAT?!
WE DO NOT THINK THAT.

(amplified voice) ATTENTION,
WE HAVE A MISSING CHILD.

REPEAT, THERE IS
A CHILD MISSING.

PARENTS, LOCATE YOUR CHILDREN
IMMEDIATELY.

(children screaming)

I'M AN OFF‐DUTY POLICE OFFICER.
CAN I HELP?

ROSE HAS BEEN MURDERED.
WHAT?!

NO, NOBODY'S BEEN MURDERED.
OKAY, I‐I DIDN'T BRING HER.

I LIED.

ROSE DIDN'T WANNA COME.

FOR SOME REASON,
SHE DOESN'T LIKE OLIVIA.

TED, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS,
LYING TO ME AND CHET LIKE THAT?

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.
THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR NIECE.
WHAT?

HANNAH, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS,
LYING TO ME AND CHET LIKE THAT?

(Ted) THE NEXT DAY,
THINGS WERE A LITTLE TENSE

BETWEEN ME AND VERONICA.

SO WE RECALIBRATED
THE LIE DETECTOR

SO NOT EVEN VERONICA
WILL BE ABLE TO FOOL IT.
OR ANY SOCIOPATH.

NOT THAT I THINK
YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH.

(buzzes)
SHUT UP!

WELL, LET'S TRY IT.
BECAUSE TED SOLD ME OUT TO CHET,

I'M MISSING OUT ON VERIDIAN'S
MOST EXCITING PROJECT

SINCE THAT PILL
THAT MAKES PEOPLE SHOP,

AND I'M FINE WITH THAT.
(buzz)

AND I'M GLAD THAT LAST NIGHT
AT THE FIRST SIGN

OF TROUBLE WITH CHET, VERONICA
KICKED ME IN THE CHET‐STICLES.
(buzz)

IT'S WEIRD
WHEN BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE FIGHT.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING
THE HOPE DIAMOND

YELL AT A SUNSET.
I REALIZED RECENTLY,
I DON'T MIND ANGER AS MUCH

WHEN IT'S NOT DIRECTED AT ME.
YAZOO, BITCHES.

OH, I'M SORRY.

AM I BUSTING IN ON SOMETHING
I WASN'T INVITED TO?

UPSETTING PEOPLE? GIVING LIQUOR
TO MY ALCOHOLIC BROTHER?

MAKING MY MOTHER
CRY SO HARD

THAT SHE THREW UP
ON "FATHER SEXY"?

WE APOLOGIZED FOR THAT
LAST NIGHT.

PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR US

BECAUSE WE WERE RUNNING AWAY
AS FAST AS WE COULD.

HUH, GOING TO A PARTY
WHERE YOU DON'T BELONG.

WHY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DID

WHEN YOU SHOWED UP TO
A CHILD'S PARTY WITHOUT A CHILD.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS,
VERONICA?

YOU CAN'T STAND THAT I MIGHT
GET A BIG PROJECT

THAT YOU'RE NOT A PART OF,

SO YOU WANNA HORN IN ON IT.
(scoffs) THAT'S NOT TRUE!

(buzz)
AND YOU GUYS CAN'T STAND THAT
I HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC BROTHER.

NO, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

WHY DID YOU GUYS CRASH MY
BROTHER'S INTERVENTION ANYWAY?

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING
A PARTY AND DIDN'T INVITE US

EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID
WE WERE FRIENDS.
WE WERE FRIENDS.

ALTHOUGH AFTER WHAT YOU DID
LAST NIGHT,

I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO BE
FRIENDS WITH YOU ANYMORE.
(buzz)

AWW!
AWW! SHE STILL WANTS
TO BE OUR FRIEND,

EVEN AFTER ALL WE DID.
THAT'S A REAL FRIENDSHIP,

BECAUSE WHAT WE DID
WAS APPALLING.

COME HERE.
MM.

THANKS TO YOU, MY WHOLE FAMILY
IS MAD AT ME.

THE LAST THING I NEED RIGHT NOW
IS A HUG FROM YOU GUYS.
(buzz)

AWW!
AWW!

LET'S GO HUG HER.

OKAY...

IT'S JUST YOU,
ME AND THE MACHINE.

SO ADMIT IT.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO MOVE UP

AND HAVE SUCCESS
AT THIS COMPANY.

OF COURSE I WANT THAT
FOR YOU.

WELL, THIS MAKES IT HARDER
TO ADVANCE MY ARGUMENT.

IT'S THE TRUTH, TED.
IT'S JUST...

IF YOU JOIN THE KID MAFIA,
PRETTY SOON YOU'RE GONNA

BE HANGING OUT WITH THEM
ALL THE TIME,

AND THEN WHEN I NEED YOU,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE AROUND,

AND... WELL, YOU KNOW...

YOU'D MISS ME?

NO!

(buzz)

AND THAT'S AS MUCH
AS YOU'RE GONNA GET.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT.

AND WHATEVER HAPPENS, I WILL
ALWAYS NOT BE THERE FOR YOU.

(buzz)
BECAUSE OUR FRIENDSHIP
MEANS NOTHING TO ME.

(buzz)

AND THAT'S AS MUCH
AS YOU'RE GONNA GET.

HEY‐O.

GUESS WHO'S COVERED IN TINY,
8‐YEAR‐OLD, FIST‐SIZED BRUISES.

THIS GUY.

SO I'VE DECIDED YOU BOTH NEED
A LITTLE MORE PUNISHMENT.

WELL, AT LEAST CHET DIDN'T
SEND US OFF TO NIGERIA.

DON'T TALK. WHEN YOU EXHALE,
I CAN FEEL IT ON MY FACE.
AH, YOU'RE JUST MAD

BECAUSE I SNEEZED
IN YOUR MOUTH A MINUTE AGO.

ISN'T IT NICE
YOU DON'T HAVE TO MISS ME?

THIS CHEESE SAUCE...
(computer dings)

IS ONLY 42% CHEESE.
AND SINCE YOU BOWLED A 62,

ACCORDING TO THE NORTH AMERICAN
RULES OF BOWLING AND NACHOS,

WE ALL GET TO DRINK.
(laughs) BUT FIRST, WE DANCE!

(Wylde Bunch)
♪ EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE READY TO PARTY ♪

♪ LET ME HEAR Y'ALL SAY,
"OH! OH! OH!" ♪

♪ YEAH! YEAH! ♪

♪ YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ♪

♪ STOMP THE BLEACHERS ♪

♪ STOMP, STOMP,
STOMP, STOMP, STOMP ♪

♪ LET'S STOMP THE BLEACHERS ♪
♪ OH ♪