All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2010) - S02E10 - Lust in Translation_track3_[eng]

♪

Sometimes
A Project Comes Along

That Kicks The Stress Level Up
A Couple Notches.

That's When I Need To Stay
Especially Calm,

So My People Will Stay Calm.

Hey, Cats And Kittens,
What Is Going On

With The Multi‐Language
Translator Device?

Oh, My God.
For His Stress. Nsating

The Project Must Be
In Huge Trouble.

Our Lives As We Know Them
Are Over!

Guys, It's All Right, Okay.
I Just Want To Make Sure

We're On Track
With The Translator.

The Germans Are Gonna
Be Here This Afternoon.

They Might Want To See
A Demonstration.

Oh. Well, We Can Do That.

What'd You Come In Here
All Calm For?

A‐And Listen,
The Germans Are Worried

About Working With Us,
Because, Ironically,

They Think That Veridian
Is Ruthlessly Efficient

And Bent On World Domination.

Wow. That's Like When
Those Irish Auditors Thought

Our Accounting Department
Drank Too Much

And Wrote Overly Depressing
Poetry.

Well, Maybe You Could Put Away

Some Of Your
Especially Evil Creations.

Uh, You Know, In Case
They Want To See The Lab.

Evil? (Laughs)

(Laughs)
We Don't Create
Evil Things.

Some Might See This
Long‐Range People‐Skinning Laser

As Evil‐Ish.
That Was Only Designed

So You Could Peel An Orange
In Your Kitchen

While Sitting Comfortably
In Your Living Room.

Well, Now It's Used To Peel
Enemy Soldiers Overseas,

While You Sit Comfortably
At The Pentagon.

Well, What About
This Translator Device?

That's Going To Make It
Easier For People

To Talk To Each Other,
And With The Exception

Of Almost Everything
My Wife Ever Says To Me,

Communication
Is Always Good.

Well, Actually, The Military
Is Also Gonna Use It

To Interrogate Prisoners.
Listen, Just To Be Safe,

Why Don't We Clear
Everything Away, Uh,

Except The Ficus?
You Mean
The Man‐Eating Ficus?

All Right. I'll Just Try
To Keep The Germans Upstairs.

Is Everything We Do
Down Here Evil?

Well, That's Crazy.
We Make A Lot Of Nice Stuff,

Like, Uh...

Kills...

Slowly Kills...
Quickly Kills...

Helps Shed
Unwanted Pounds!

But Also Kills.

Oh, My God. Maybe We're
Evil Scientists.

(Laughs Maniacally)

I'm Sorry.

I Laugh Like That When Faced
With An Unpleasant Truth.

That's Why I Got Thrown Out
Of That Al Gore Movie.

Lately, Linda Had Also Been
Feeling Stressed.

(Phone Rings)

Hey, Excuse Me.
This Isn't A Library.

You Can't Just Leave
Your Trash Wherever You Want.

(Sighs) Jeez.

Hey, Brett, You See That
Awesome Youtube Video

Of That Goat
That Sounds Like A Man?

He Keeps Yelling...
(Imitating Goat) "Mark! Mark!"

I Love That Goat. He's All...
(Imitating Goat) "Mark! Mark!"

Do You Mind?
"Mark!"

"Mark!"
"Mark!"

"Mark!"
"Mark!"

That's The Last Time
I Forward Anything To You Guys.

"Mark!"

(Ted) Worried About The Deal
With The Germans,

Veronica Was Also
Under A Lot Of Stress.

We Believe
The Multi‐Language Translator

Will Create A Furor
In Germany,

A Furor That Will Sweep
Across Europe,

Crushing... No.

(Thumping)

(Thumping)

What's Going On?

Do You Live Here?

Do All The Cubicle Workers Have
Little Hobbit Holes Like This?

No, Some Of Us Nest In Trees,
Others Have Underground Warrens.

Actually, I Just Found
This Empty Room,

So I Decorated A Little,

And Come Here Occasionally
To Get A Break

From That Corporate Mosh Pit
Out There.
Was That Thumping Noise

The Sound Of You Banging
Your Head Against The Wall,

Summoning The Other Hobbits
To Feast And Dance?

You Know,
Why Don't You Lay Off?

If You Want. I'm Sorry.
It's Just,

I'm A Little Sensitive
About The Hobbit Jokes,

Because I Think Of Myself
As Having Big, Floppy Feet.

I Know.
It's Crazy, Right?

(Laughs)

Fine. Don't Reassure Me
About My Giant Feet‐‐

Which I Might Be
Too Sensitive About.

(Laughs)

Again, Thank You.
Anyway, That Thumping Sound

Was This Game I Came Up With
To Blow Off Steam.

You Take A Bagel,
You Stand On This Coffee Stain,

And You Try To Bounce It
Off That Wall

And Into That Air Vent.
(Thump)

Ahh. It's Pretty Tricky.
Mm... Not For Me,

Because I'm Good
At Everything I Do.

I'm Not Bragging,

Because Bragging Is
The One Thing I'm Not Good At.

Although, If I Wante
D To Be,
I'd Be Excellent At That, Too,

As I've Just Proved.
Really? You Think You'd Be
Better Than Me At Linda Bagel?

Because, You Know...
I'm Linda.

And I'm Veronica.
So Bagel Me.

Veronica Is Late
For Our Big Meeting

With The Germans,

Who, Of Course,
Are Right On Time.

What? It's
A Positive Stereotype.

Anyway, Now I Am Stuck
Having To Charm Them

All By Myself.

(Woman) ♪ La La La ♪

Which Suddenly,
I Am Fine With.

Pots‐Damn!

Hello, I'm Ted Crisp.

Guten Tag, I'm Hans Muller.
This Is Carl Hoffman

Und Our C.E.O.
Greta Schulz.

Hello, I Am Being Happy
To Meet You.

You And I... Do It,
I Hope.

The Coming Together?

Uh, O‐Okay.
I Hope So, Too.

Fraulein Schulz Is Not Fluent
In English.

She Means She Hopes This Deal
Between Our Two Companies

Will Come Together.

Thanks
For The Clarification,

Herr Buzzkill.

(Thump)

Hoo! Nothin' But Vent!
Do I Look Like A Bus?

'Cause I Just Took You
To School.

Suck My Big Hobbit Feet!
Uhh, Uhh...

Keep Your Flippers
In Your Clown Shoes, Linda.

We're Going Again.

(Exhales Deeply)

(Thump)

(Thumping)

The Multiple Language
Translator Device

Will Instantaneously
Translate Any Language...
(Speaking German)

Into Any Other.
Just Flick This Switch

And Turn This Dial
To The Desired Language.

(Sighs) Sorry I'm Late.
There Was An Emergency

With The Dough‐Based Projectile
Ventilation Targeting System.

(Speaking German)
(Veronica)
Please... Continue.

Phil,
Who Speaks Fluent German,

Will Now Speak
Into The Device,

Which Will Translate
What He Says Into English.
(Speaking German)

(Robotic Voice) Hello.
I Am Your Friend.

Do Not Be Afraid.
It's Me! Phil!

(Speaking German)

(Whispers) I Thought You Guys
Were Working On The Voice.

We Were, And We Made It
More Awesome.

(Chuckles)
Who Wouldn't Want To Sound

Like A 90‐Foot Robot,
You Know?

(Phil Continues
Speaking German)

(Robotic Voice)
Our Ships Are Hovering

Above All Your Cities.
(Speaks German)

Oh, God.
We Have Unhappy Germans.

Nothing Good Has Ever Come
From That.

Um, Okay, We Will Have
This Voice Fixed

In A Couple Days.
I‐In The Meantime,

Why Don't You Relax?
Maybe Do Some Sightseeing?
(Speaking German)

Yes, On Us! Throw On
Some Leather Shorts,

Dark Shoes,
Socks Up To The Knees,

And Stomp Around
Our Fine City.
(Continues Speaking German)

Perhaps Ted Can Stomp Me.

(Whispers Indistinctly)
Ah‐‐Stomp With Me.

I Not Wish To Die From
Ted's Under‐Boot. (Laughs)

(Laughs) Good, 'Cause
I Just Got New Under‐Boots.

I'd Hate To Have To
Scrape You Off Them.

(Speaking German)
You Know What?
Don't Translate That.

Just‐‐Just Tell Her I'd Be
Happy To Take Her Around.
(Resumes Speaking German)

I Saw What Was Going On
In There

Between You
And Fraulein Cheekbones.

When You Show Her
Around Town,

Keep Your Hansels
Off Her Gretels.
I Was Just Being Friendly.

I'm Serious, Ted.
This Deal Is Too Important,

And Sex Can Screw Things Up.
Why Do You Think

The Three Stooges
Went Through So Many Curlys?

Wow. Look At Her.

I Can Have
A Personal Relationship

And Not Screw Up
A Business Deal.

I'm Nothing Like
The Three Stooges.

I Have Never Spent The Night
In A Mummy Museum

Or‐‐Or Smuggled A Chicken
Into The Opera.

Hello, Toad. (Laughs)

Ted.

Eat Me?

Let's Go To Dinner.

I'm Gonna Teach You
The Word "With."

Phil And Lem
Couldn't Stand The Thought
Of Being Evil Scientists.

Maybe If We Came Up With
Something That's Pure Good‐‐

Something That The Company
Couldn't Possibly Use For Evil.

Or What If We Invent Something
That's Already Pure Evil?

Then Maybe The Company Will
Turn It Into Something Good,

Like A Horrible Device That
Drops Heavy Things On Your Feet

And Tells You
The End Of Movies

You Really, Really
Wanted To See.

I Thought You Saw
"The Sixth Sense,"

And I Told You I Was
Setting Down My End Of The Sofa.

Well, I Hadn't, And My Toe
Will Never Be The Same.

How Are Glasses And Mustache
Doing With The Translator Voice?

First Of All,
Glasses And Mustache
Are The Same Person.

And, Uh, Lem And Phil
Need A Little Bit More Time.

(Sighs) The Germans
Aren't Going To Like This.

Actually, They're
In No Hurry To Leave Town.
Oh, My God.

You're Jackhammering Gretel
Like She's The Berlin Wall.

It Was A Little More
Romantic Than That.

Although... There Was
A Lot Of Cheering In German,

Followed By
Heartfelt Congratulations.

Ted, If Something Goes Wrong,
You Could Blow This Whole Deal.

But You Think
Nothing Will Go Wrong,

Just Because It's You.
I Do Not Think That,

Although Nothing
Will Go Wrong. It's Me.
That's Hubris, Ted.

You're Cocky.
You Think You Can't Lose.

It's Very Self‐Destructive.
You Should Take A Hard Look At‐‐

Linda, Rematch In 30 Minutes,

And This Time,
There's No Way I Lose.

Okay, But I Don't Think
You Used My Proper Title.

Oh, Queen Linda
The Dainty‐Footed.

Anyway.
(Sighs)

You're Gonna End Up
Making A Fool Of Yourself.

So Why Is Veronica
Talking To You

Like A Waitress
At Medieval Times?
Wasn't It Great?

I Made Up
This Bagel Toss Game,

And When She Loses,
I Make Her Say Stuff.

And She Always Loses.

Chick Throws A Bagel Like
The Horse Is Still Attached.

(Laughs) That Works Better
For Horseshoes,

But You Get The Point. Look,
Veronica's Got The Better Job,

The Better Car,
The Better Shoe Size.

This Is The Only Thing
I'll Ever Do

That I'm Better At
Than She Is.

And I'm Telling Myself
It's The Most Important Thing.

Well, I Can See By The Spittle
Flying Out Of Your Mouth

That You're In A Good Place,
But, Uh, You Should Know,

Veronica Will Stri
Ke Back.
I Don't Care. It's Worth It,
As Long As I Keep Winning‐‐

Which I Will, Because I Am
Linda Of Linda Bagel.

You Know What That Is?
That's Hubris. You're Cocky.

You Think You Can't Lose.
It's Very Self‐Destructive.
(Cell Phone Ringing)

You Should Take A Hard Look
At‐‐Ooh! It's Greta.

We've Got A Date Tonight.
It Is Gonna Be Awesome.

Here's A Little Extra Work

That Requires Your
Royal Touch, Queen Linda.

Heavy Is The Head
That Wears The $10 Haircut.

(Sighs) No Problem.

It's As Easy As Throwing
A Bagel Through A Vent.

Oh, I'm Sorry.

For Some People,
That's Practically Impossible.

(Speaking Indistinctly)

(Laughs)

In Spite Of Not Being Able
To Speak Very Well,

Greta And I Were Having
No Trouble Communicating.

Oh!
Hmm?

It Is Here.
Herr Muller Bring For Me.

Surprise.

I Tell Flem
And The Little Bird Man,

"Mach Schnell.

I Must Speak With
Mein Ted."

Really? They Fixed It.
That Is Fantastic.

(Speaking German)

(Phil's Voice)
I Really Like You, Ted.

You're A Very Special Man.

Is That Phil's Voice?

What's Wrong?

(Phil's Voice)
Die Stimme

Von Diesen Dingen
Ist Mein Freund Phil.

I Like This Voice.
It's Warm And Friendly

And Almost Gender‐Neutral.

The Device Works.
Our Business Deal Will
Be A Success.

Kiss Me, Ted.

Kiss Me Hard On The Lips.

What?

I Thought You'd Be Happy
We Can Finally

Get To Know Each Other
On An Emotional Level.

Our Relationship Wasn't
Just About Sex, Was It?
No.

(Phil's Voice) Nein.

Then Let's Go
Into The Bedroom,

And We Can Make Love
And Talk

And Make Love
And Talk All Night.

Yay.

Phil, Why On Earth
Would You Use

Your Voice
For The Translator Device?

It Was The Fastest Way
To Fix It,

Since We Already Had
My Voice In The Computer

From That Failed
Talking Frying Pan Project.

Stupid Thing
Wouldn't Stop Screaming

When You Put It
On The Burner.

Plus,
It Was Very Critical‐‐

"You Really Need
That Much Butter?"

Screw You, Frying Pan.

Okay, Fellas‐‐
Excuse Us.

So Here's The Deal.
Greta And I Are Dating.

(Gasps)

But... It's Hard For Me
To Fulfill My Manly Duties

When Phil Keeps Telling Me
How Much I'm Pleasuring Him.
Oh, My God.

Yes. You Said That
A Lot Last Night.

Guys, I Need Your Help.
I Really Like Greta,

And I Don't Want This Thing
Between Us To Go South,

Plus, If It Does, I‐I Could
Foul Up This Whole Deal,

And Veronica's Gonna
Kill Me.

Recording And Loading
A New Voice Could Take Days.

Well, We Still Have
Those Nixon Tapes.

I Guess We Could Pull
From Those.

I'm Beginning To Think You Guys
Really Are Evil Scientists.

Oh, Hi, Ted. How Are
Things Going With Greta?

You Screw That Up Yet?
No, Not At All.
We Really Like Each Other.

Plus, She Is Very Happy With
The New Voice On The Translator.

The Guys Just Need
A Little Time To Tweak It.

It's Close, It's Close.
Ohh, It's So Close.
Oh, Man. I Have To Go.

I Need You To Design Me
A Perfect Bagel.

Perfect
But Somehow Evil?

Like Halfway Down Your Throat,
It Triples In Size

Or Tells You The End
To "Rocky Iv"?

No, Just A Dozen Perfect,
Aerodynamically Balanced Bagels.
A Perfect Bagel‐‐

There's No Way That Could Be
Used For Anything Bad.
I'm Using Them To Cheat.

Linda Sucked Me Into
This Stupid Game,

And Your Super‐Bagels
Will Help Me Destroy Her.

And... Boom. We're Back
In The Evil Business.

Oh, And Throw In A Pint
Of Cream Cheese.

I Don't Care
How Evil You Are‐‐

You Don't Show Up With Bagels
And No Schmear.

Linda.

So If A Guy Asked You
Not To Talk During Sex,

Would You Be Offended?
No Woman Likes To Be Told
To Shut Up During Sex.

Wait. Did Paul From Accounting
Tell You To Ask Me That?

Because All We Did
Was Make Out In His Car,

And All I Said Was,
"Get Off My Hair."

Paul From Accounting?
Really?

(Scoffs) No. Gotcha.

Would You Leave?
I Have A Lot Of Work To Do.

Yeah, What Is All This?

Veronica's Retaliating.
Why Don't You Just
Let Her Win?

Wh‐What Are You Afraid Of?
If You‐‐If You Throw A Game,

It's Gonna Keep You Out Of
The Time‐Wasters' Hall Of Fame?

No. My Position There
Is Secure

From Getting
My Art History Degree.

I Just Can't Make Myself Lose.

I've Tried, But It Feels
So Good To Beat Her.

Then Figure Out A Way To End
The Game Without Losing.

Like, When Rose
Gets Frustrated With Checkers,

She Just Flips
The Board Over.

I Once Tried The Same Thing
In Vegas With A Craps Table.

Got It Up Just High Enough To
Tear Every Muscle In My Back.

Interesting. Like When
Van Gogh Got So Frustrated

With His Paintings,
He Ripped Up His Canvases.

That Little Factoid Cost
My Parents $60,000 In Tuition.
Mm.

Since I Couldn't Tell Greta
Not To Talk,

I Tried To Make It
So I Couldn't Hear.

(Loud Music Playing)

(Phil's Voice) Ted,
The Music Is So Loud.

(Music Stops)

I Know Your Friend's Voice
Bothers You,

But Isn't It Worth It
To Hear My Feelings

And Instructions
About The Best Way
To Touch My Breasts?

If We Can't Communicate,

Then This Is All
Just About Sex,

And That Doesn't Work
For Me.

Why Don't You Take That
Schnitzel You Brought Me
And Go Home?

That's Because I Thought
The Schnitzel Meant Something.

But I Was Wrong...

So Wrong‐‐About You
And The Schnitzel.

Good Morning. Fraulein Schulz
Has Decided That We Do Not Want

To Partner With Your Company
On The Translator Device.

Good‐Bye.

Was Much Promising,
But Not True.

Damn It, Ted.

You Were Much Promising
But Not True, Weren't You?

She Wanted To Use
The Translator Device

With Phil's Voice During Sex.
I Don't Care If She Wanted
To Use Phil During Sex.

You Screwed This Up
Because You Were So Sure

You Were Smarter
Than The Three Stooges.
You're Right.

And I Like Greta.

I Don't Want It
To End Like This.

I'm Gonna Go Talk To Her.

Greta, Wait. Can We Talk?

(Lem's Voice Speaks Klingon)

Damn It. I Told Them Not To Put
Klingon On This Thing.

You Have One Minute.

Veronica Just Called.

She's About To Play Another
Game With Linda And Wants Us

To Bring The Super‐Bagels
So She Can Cheat.

We're Completely Corrupted Now.

We're Like Michael Corleone
At The End Of "The Godfather."

Damn It, Lem!
Well, You Should Watch
A Movie Occasionally.

Look At Them.
They're So Beautiful.

Using Them For Wickedness
Would Be Like

Beating A Unicorn To Death
With A Bag Of Rainbows.
Mm‐Hmm.

Maybe We Should Take A Stand.
Maybe We Should Say

This Is The One Thing
That Must Not Be Used For Evil.

Or Maybe We Say
That The Next Thing We Make

Must Not Be Used For Evil,
But This One We're Fine With.

And Maybe The Next One
After That, Too.

But Someday,
They Will Push Us Too Far.

And Then Next Time
After That, We‐‐
No. The Time Is Now...

12:35.
Huh.

Maybe We Should Discuss This
For Another 20 Minutes,

And Then Commit To Something.

Good. You Made It. Go Inside.
I'll Be In In A Minute.

Lem And Phil Are
Bringing Me Something.

It‐‐It Has Nothing To Do
With The Game.

It's A... Lucky Hat.
I May Decide Not To Wear It.

So If I Come In Without A Hat,
Don't Give It A Second Thought.

I Have Devastating News.

Somehow, Security Found Out
About The Room.

I Don't Know How. Nobody Does,
And Nobody Ever Will,

So Just Drop That.

But They Don't Like People
Screwing Around On Company Time,

So They're Coming Right Now
To Lock It Up. Ugh!

No! It Can't End Until I Win.

Fine, I'll Play Without My...

Whatever The Hell I Said
I Was Waiting For. Come On.

(Phil's Voice) Okay, Ted,
I Will Give You Another Chance.

Lock The Door And Take Me,
And Don't Be Gentle.

No. And None Of That
Silly Foreplay This Time.

Just Go For It.

(Objects Clatter)

Ha!

I've Tied It Up.

Your Turn, Meat.

You Gonna Blow It? Huh, Meat?
You Gonna Choke?

(Gags)
I'm Linda. I'm Choking.

I've Got A Big Chunk
Of Pressure Lodged
In My Throat.

It's Like A Chicken Bone.

Come On, Chicken Bone.
Chicken Bone. Chicken Bone.

I'm Really Gonna Miss This.

Oh, Ted. That Feels So Good.
More, More. Don't Stop.

What The Hell Is That?
What Are Phil And Ted Doing?

Oh, Is That Distracting?
Come On, Chicken Bone, Focus.

Don't Think
About Ted Nailing Phil.

You Are So Good
With The Sex, Ted.
What?!

Throw The Bagel, Chicken Bone.
Throw It! Throw It! Throw It!

Yes!

This Is It.

This Is For
The World Championship...

(Slo‐Mo Voice)
Of The World.

I Did It! I Beat You! Ha!

Yeah, Whatever.

Seriously, What Is Up
With Ted And Phil?

I Have To Get That Bagel.

It's Going In My Trophy Case.

Also, I Have To Get
A Trophy Case.

Wow, It's Way Back There.

Are You Sure We're Doing
The Right Thing?

I've Never Been So Sure

About Being Unsure
Of Anything In My Life.

Good. Then We're On
The Same Page.
Let's Do It.

Veronica,
We've Made A Decision.

Maybe We Should Ask Her Why She
Just Fell Through The Ceiling.

No. No Small Talk.

These Bagels
Are The One Thing

We Will Not Allow
To Be Used For Evil.

I Won.

Congratulations. The Deal With
The Germans Just Went Through.

And Congratulations To You
For Falling Through The Ceiling

In A Metal Tube
And Winning That Game.
That's Gotta Feel Good.

You're Gonna Have To Speak Up.
I'm Temporarily Deaf In One Ear.

As You May Know, I Fell Through
The Ceiling In A Metal Tube.

But At Least I Won That Game,
And That Feels Good.
Hmm.

These Super‐Bagels
Are Terrible.

You Can Totally Taste
The High Impact Carbon.

That's Because They're
98% High Impact Carbon.

Whenever You Go Past 97%,
It's Hard To Mask The Taste.

So I Was Able To Navigate That
Tricky Situation With Greta,

So You Were Wrong.
I Am Not Like The Three Stooges.

Ow!

Ooh!

Ah, A Couple Of Wise Guys, Eh?

(Phil Whimpers)