All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2010) - S02E08 - The Impertence of Communicationizing_track3_[eng]

Communication‐‐It's Important
To Any Successful Relationship.

It's True Between People
And Between A Company

And Its Employees.

Debbie.

Relax.

Breathe.

Turn.

Hello. I Wanted To Communicate
To You An Idea I Had About

The Meals‐Ready‐To‐Eat
Project.
I'm Sorry. It's My Fault.

What's Your Fault?
I'm Not Prepared To Have
A Meeting Right Now.

Oh, No. We're Not Having
A Meeting. We're Just‐‐

I'm Not Prepared.
I Wish I Was.

Because When I'm Not Prepared,
I Get Nervous And Repeat‐Y.

Repeat‐Y.
Why Don't I Just Jot My Idea
Down And Send It To You?

(Giggles)
That Would Be Fantastic.

Fantastic.

She Gets A Little Nervous
Around Me.

Luckily, Talking To Debbie
Isn't The Only Way

We Communicate Around Here.

There's Also The Memo.
(Keyboard Keys Clicking)

(Woman) Memo 314‐‐
Employees Must Not Use

Offensive Or Insulting Language
In The Workplace.

"Employees Must Now Use
Offensive Or Insulting Language

In The Workplace"?
This Has To Be A Mistake.

Why Would The Company
Want Us To Swear At Each Other?

Well, Maybe They're Trying To
Make The People At Work

Seem More Like
A Realfamily, Butt‐Munch.

Yeah, This Is Gonna Be Good.
Like Everything
The Company Does To Us,

It's Gottabe
About Saving Money.

Maybe When Someone's Called
A "Lazy Sack Of Crap,"

They Work Harder So They
Can Just Be A "Sack Of Crap."

Oh, This Is Gonna Be
A Problem.

People Here Follow Memos,
Especially Since

That Memo Came Out Saying
People Have To Follow Memos.

Thisone Is Gonna Cause
Potty‐Mouth Chaos.

Oop, Ted's Gearing Up
For A Burst

Of Middle‐Management Leadership.

Out Goes The Chest,
Up Goes The Chin...

I Am Going To
Go Get This Fixed.
And Away.

(Sighs)
This Whole Memo Thing

Is Bringing Up
This Strange Sensation.

It's Like
My Feelings Are Itchy.

Oh. Sounds Like
Something Human Is Trying

To Fight Its Way
Out Of You.

Yes, I Think
It's An Emotion‐‐

Like Joy Or Spicy Food.

Technically, Spicy Food
Isn't A...

So What Is It About The Memo
That Brings All This Up?

(Inhales Sharply)

Well, It Reminds Me
Of Another Memo Five Years Ago,

When I Was Promoted
To This Job.

I Was Up Against
This Man‐‐Walter‐‐

Who Had The Same
Last Name As I Do,

Although We Pronounce It
Differently.

There's Another Way
To Pronounce "Palmer"?

In His Family,
The "P" Is Silent.

I Think They're Dutch.

Sounds Like Their Stupid
Handiwork, With Their Cheeses

And Their Giant
Propeller Buildings.

So Walter... "Almer"?

I Know. Those People
Are Unbelievable.

Anyway, They Announced
The Promotion In A Memo,

Congratulating
"V. Palmer,"

Only Then, It Went On
To Wish Him Well.

I Put Through The Paperwork,
But I've Never Known

Whether That Job Was
Really Meant For Me Or Walter.

Maybe That Itchy Feeling
You Have Is Guilt.

Guilt Is A Powerful Emotion.
Every Thanksgiving, It Makes Me

Take Three Planes Just So I Can
Visit My Racist Aunt Cookie.

So This Is Guilt, Huh?

In The Past, I've Always Just
Counteracted This Feeling

With Other Emotions,
Like Sugar Or Drunk.

You Should Talk To Walter.
Maybe Find Some Way To Help Him.

Guilt Is A Terrible Thing
To Carry Around.

Well, I Do Hate
This Feeling.

I Hate It Like I Hate‐‐
Don't Tell Me.
The Dutch?

I Don't Hate The Dutch.
I Love The Dutch.

That's Why I Hold Them
To A Higher Standard.

I Don't Know Where
This Memo Came From...
(Sighs)

But It's Obviously A Mistake,
So I Was Hoping Human Resources

Could Put Out
A Correction.
We'll Look Into The Matter.

Really?
No. The Company Doesn't Make
Mistakes Like This, Mr. Crisp.

What About That Memo
Announcing "Casual Fribsday"?

The Company Said
That Wasn't A Mistake.

They Explained That The Ancient
Mayans Prophesized Fribsday‐‐

The First Ever
Eighth Day Of The Week,

Which Will Occur In 2024,

And The Company Believes
Should Be Celebrated Casually.

I'm Going To Wear
A Denim Pantsuit.

And When They Urged
All Employees To "Carpoop"?

Thatwas Not Mandatory.
Thank God.

Although, We Did Find Out
What People Will Do

To Park Slightly Closer
To The Building.
Mm.

So You're Not
Gonna Help Me With This?
Sorry. I Like The Memo.

All Day Long, I Have To Listen
To People Like You Complain.

Now I Can Finally
Tell 'Em What I Think,

You White‐Toothed
Ken Doll.

You Know,
Having White Teeth

And Looking Like A Handsome Doll
Is Not Exactly‐‐
Turd‐Hat.

Fair Enough.

(Ted) The Company Wasn't
Going To Retract The Memo

Telling Employees To Be Rude
And Abusive, And That Meant

Things Were Going To Get Very
Confusing For Phil And Lem,

Who Unfortunately
Never Read Their Memos.

And So This New Line
Of Meals‐Ready‐To‐Eat

Gives The Soldier
In The Field

A Portable Meal With All
The Home‐Cooked Flavor Of

Something Mom Used To Chemically
Dehydrate And Vacuum Pack.

I Was Looking At The Ingredients
And I Was Wondering

If There's Enough
Protein Content, You Boob.

Excuse Me?

I Was Wondering
About The Protein Content.
But Then You Said...

You Boob.
There It Is.

I Suppose We Could Add More
Protein To The Thing We Call

"Beige Block Three,"
Or "Stroganoff."

It's Got Plenty Of Protein,
You Big‐Eyed Stick Insect.

The Problem
Is The Vegetables.

Okay, Fellas, Let's Just Try
To Keep It Under Control Here.

Don't Listen To These
Bucktoothed Hillbillies.

Taste Is The Real Problem.
It's A Battlefield,
Not A Four‐Star Restaurant,

Back‐Alley Crab Muffin.
Okay, I Gotta Ask...
What's Going On?

Because This Meeting Is A Lot
Saucier Than The One Yesterday.

Looks Like Somebody Didn't
Get The Memo.
(All Chuckle)

He Asks
A Simple Question

And You Give Him
Sarcasm From The '80s?

Here.

Oh, It's An Actual Memo.
They Want Us To
Insult Each Other... Sir?

Ugh, That Wasn't
A Good One.

But In My Meetings,
That's Not Going To Happen.

But The Memo Said
We Had To.

Well, We're Not Doing It
In Here, Pudberger.

What?
That's His Last Name.

So Veronica Went Down
To The Basement...
(Sighs)

Hoping She'd Feel Better
If She Talked To Walter Palmer.

Hello, Walter.

I Don't Believe It.
Veronica "Almer."

I'm Sorry, Palmer.
(Chuckles)

I Never Could Get Used To
The Way You Pronounce It.

Here, I Brought You A Cake
And A Jar Of Herring.

Maybe You Can Wait
Until I Leave

Before You Smear
The Cake With It.
I'm Not Dutch.

And The Dutch
Don't Smear Herring

On Half The Things
You Say They Do.

But Thanks For The Cake.
Is It My Birthday?

I Sort Of Lose Track
Of Time Down Here.

No, I Just Want To Say
I've Always Felt Bad

That We Had To Compete
For The Same Job.

Please, I'm The One
Who Feels Bad.

I've Always Hated
How I Acted

In The Bull Pen
After Losing That Promotion.

It Was Not
A Good Impression Of You,

And I'm Sorry
I Stretched Out Your Shoes.
Don't Worry.

They Were The Cheap Footwear
Of My Former Life.

Can I Buy You Something
To Cheer This Place Up?

Maybe A Lava Lamp
Or A Freezer Of Steaks.

(Scoffs) I'm The One
Who Feels Guilty

About The Way
I Handled Your Promotion.

Let Me Make It Up To You‐‐

Take You Out For A Drink
Or Something.

Ew.

Are Very Thoughtful,
But I Can't.

Oh, I Get It.
You're Still Mad At Me.

(Scoffs) I'm Such A Jerk.

And I Deserve To Carry
This Guilt Around

Back And Forth
In This Tiny Basement.

Okay, I'll Have
A Drink With You.

Any Chance You Have
A Bottle Down Here,

And We Can Just
Knock It Out Right Now?
(Sighs) Uh...

That Meeting Was Chaos.
I Hate All The Name‐Calling.

And It's Not Just Because
My Mama Isfat

And Does Sit
Around The House.

I Kind Of Like It.
It Makes People Freer‐‐

Like They Can Say
Whatever's On Their Mind.

Even Debbie Spoke Up Today,
And She Never Talks In Meetings.

Well, We're Not Doing It
In Here, Pudberger.

What?
That's His Last Name.

All Right,
Let's Just Try To Regroup.

Wait!
You Pretty‐Boy Suit Rack.

What This M.R.E. Needs
Is Ethiopian Stew.

It's Hearty, Nutritious
And Simple,

Like All Of You Bastards.

Debbie's Never
Opened Her Mouth Before,

And It Was
A Good Suggestion.
It Was A Good Idea.

But Then Mark Called Her
A Tory‐Loving Royalist,

And Everything
Fell Apart Again.
You Just Don't Like This

Because You Always
Have To Be In Control.

You're A Control Freak‐‐
That's What You Are.

I Don't Always
Have To Be In Control‐‐

Although, It Is
My Exact Job Description.

You're Tall,
You're Handsome,

You Got The Power Tie,
The Power Suit.

People Think
You're Intimidating, Ted,

And You Like That
Because It Means

You Get Everything You Want.
Okay, First Of All,

My Appearance Is Not My Fault.
God Made Me This Way,

And Then He Told Me
Where To Shop For Suits.

Ted, A Little Chaos
Can Be A Good Thing.

My Grandpa Met My Grandma

When A Tornado
Blew Her Into His Barn.

He Pulled The Rake Out Of Her
Chest And Proposed On The Spot.

We Really Should Have Been
Reading These Memos.

Damn! We Didn't Have To Work
On Thanksgiving?

And Look! Like I Suspected,

We Weresupposed To Be
Wearing Lead Aprons

When We Were Working On
That Genital X‐Ray Project.

Here It Is.

"Employees Must Now Use
Offensive Or Insulting Language

In The Workplace."

I Can Play This Game.

I Wrote That Humorous Column
In My College Newspaper‐‐

"Lem's Snappy Answers To
Theoretical Physics Questions."

Pow! You've Been Lem‐Basted.

I'm Terrible At Insults.

As A Child, I Was
Beaten Up Constantly.

The Best Comeback
I Ever Came Up With Was,

"You're Right.
I'll Work On That."

I Can Help You,
You Sad Jar Of Hobo Urine.

Pow!
I've Been Lem‐Basted.

Hey, Who Is That Relaxed
And Approachable Guy?

Is That Ted?
Why, Yes, It Is.

You Look Like You're
On Your Way To Mix Cocktails

At A Swim‐Up Bar.

Well, I‐I Was Thinking
About What You Said‐‐

About How I Might Seem A Little
Controlling And Intimidating.

So I Tell You To Take A Look
At The Way You Approach Life,

And You Put Different
Clothes On? What A Dill Weed.

And That's Not
A Company‐Mandated Insult.

That One
Came From The Heart.
Well, Come On.

The Clothes Are Symbolic‐‐
The First Step In Saying

That I'm Willing To Try
To Make A Change.

Actually, I Was Hoping
The Clothes Would Cover It.

I Had The Worst Night
Last Night.

Didn't You Get The Memo?

Casual Fribsday
Is Not Until 2024.

I'm Trying To Be Less
Intimidating. Apparently, My‐‐

Wow. That's The Fastest I've
Ever Lost Interest In Something.

I Went Out With Walter Palmer
Last Night Because Of You.

Me? What Did I Do?
You Started
Questioning Memos,

Which Brought Up All This
Itchy Guilt,

So I Agreed To Have
Drinks With The Guy.

He Told Me, After He Lost
The Promotion, His Wife Left.

I Felt Even More Guilty, So I
Let Him Take Me Out To Dinner,

Where I Learned
He Also Lost His House.

Then I Find Out He's Living
In His Parents' Basement,

Which Is So Damp, His Dog Got
Arthritis, Fell Down The Stairs

And Now Has To Be
Carried Around Like A Suitcase.

So I Let Him Kiss Me.
Oh, My God!

But Then I Still Felt Guilty,
So I Let Him Feel Me Up.
Oh, My‐‐

Yeah. I'm Thinking
I Might Need New Breasts.

These Are Covered In Sadness.
Wow. This Is Like

The Most Depressing
"Penthouse" Letter Ever.

I Kept Waiting For The Guilt
To Lift, But It Never Did.

What Am I Gonna Do?

Maybe I'll Buy Him A Boat.
Guys Like Boats, Right?

Hey, Veronica.

I Had A Great Time Last Night.

I Was Wondering If Maybe
I Could Take You To Dinner Later

For A Little Walter
And Veronica,

Version 2.0. (Chuckles)

How Would You Like A Boat?

Something You Could Just
Get In And Go...

Really Shove Off...
Just Get Out Of Here.

Well, I Couldn't Take
A Gift Like That From You.

I'd Feel Too Guilty.
Yeah, Guilt.
What A Horrible Thing.

See You At 8:00.

Oh, And This Time,
Please Don't Say,

"Thank You
For Kissing With Me."

(Elevator Bell Dings)

Can You Press "10" For Me,
You Rat‐Face Nazi?

Your Breasts
Should Be On Display

At The Swiss Museum
Of Miniatures.

You Said 10, Right?

Before We Start, I Realize
Some People May Think

I'm Controlling
And A Little Intimidating.

But I Want You To Know,
All Ideas Are Welcome.

Really. I Want To Hear
From Everyone.
(Whispering)

Could You Repeat That In
English? I Don't Speak Wuss‐Ass.

We're Not Doing That
In Here, Phil.

I'm So Very Sorry. You Won't
Hear Another Word Out Of Me.

So Not Being Controlling
Lasted For About One Second?

I'm Sorry. The Naggity‐Nag‐Nag
Bitchy‐Bitch Is Right.

Anything Anyone Wants To Say
Is Fine By Me.

You Heard The Corporate Chimp.

Start Making Suggestions
For Meals‐Ready‐To‐Eat

Before His Head
Goes Back Up His Butt.

I Like Fresh Tomatoes
Right Off The Vine.

Oh, Come On, Mark,
Use Your Head.

How Are We Gonna Get Fresh‐‐
Open Forum, Chim Chim.
Just Let The Ideas Flow.

I'm Sorry, Mark.
I'm Writing It Down.

Sometimes When I'm Lonely,
I Like To Watch Myself Eat.

Why Don't We Put
A Mirror In There?

You Like To
Watch Yourself Eat?

I'm Writing It Down.

I Like To Have
Some Wine With Dinner.
They're Soldiers!

Writing It Down.

I Need Your Help, Slut.

What's The Problem,
Tight‐Ass?

Easy, Linda. It's A Memo,
Not A Magic Shield.

I Need To Make A Man
Run Screaming From My Life.

Hmm. I'm Happy You
Came To Me For Advice,

But Sad This Is
My Area Of Expertise.

I Went Out Again With Walter.
Now If I Blow Him Off,

He'll Think That I Hurt Him
Five Years Ago,

Then Looked Him Up And Got Him
To Fall In Love With Me

So I Could Hurt Him Again.

Plus, I Backed Over His Foot
When I Was Leaving,

Which, According To
Our Relationship Math,

Means Tonight's The Night.

Well, In My Experience, Scaring
A Man Away Is Pretty Easy.

Basically, You're Gonna
Want To Put Three Words

Into Heavy Rotation‐‐
Future, Babies, Commitment.

Back Off!
I Need My Space.

Wow, Those Words
Arepowerful.

What Are You
Ciphering There, Jethro?

I've Really Enjoyed
Repeating The Put‐Downs

You've Been Feeding Me,
But I Want To Do It On My Own.

Give A Man An Insult,
He Can Hurt People For A Day.

Teach A Man To Insult,
He Can Hurt People

Who Tease Him Because
He Never Learned To Fish.

Anyway,
I've Devised A Formula.

Look At That.

You Had A Problem In Your Life
And Who Stepped Up To Help You?

Math. She Has Always Been There
For You, Hasn't She, Phil?

If She Ever Took Physical Form,
I'd Leave My Wife And Marry Her.

Stand In Line,
My Friend.

Anyway, It's Really
Quite Simple.

You Take A Person's
Most Marked Physical Feature,

Compare It To Genitalia‐‐
Male, Female Or Animal‐‐

And End With The Suffix
"‐Bag," "‐Wipe" Or "‐Muncher."

You Couldalso Add An Optional
Reference To Excretion

From Any Of
The Glorious Openings

Offered By The Human Body.

Should We
Take Her For A Spin?

Excuse Me, Roger?

Your Head Looks Like A Lizard
Butt Flap, You Snot Wipe.

(Both) Ooh.

Walter.

Hey... (Chuckles) It Looks Like
Somebody Can't Get Enough Of Me.

You're Right. I Can't. In Fact,
We Need To Talk About Us

And The Future Of Our Babies
And How They'll Be Committed.

Wow, That's
A Lot To Take In. Okay.

I Need This Relationship
To Have A Future

Because I Need Babies.
That's Right‐‐

Big, Screaming Babies
Shooting Out Of My Uterus,

Just Stacking Up
Like Cordwood.
Really?

Yes, Sir. That's
All I Ever Think About‐‐

The Future, Babies
And Commitment.

Future, Babies, Commitment.
Future, Babies, Commitment.

Commitment, Commitment,
Commitment, Commitment‐‐

Whoa, Slow Down! This Is
Happening A Little Fast.

Okay! I'll Do It!

Babies, Babies,
Babies, Babies‐‐
Yes!

As Many As You Want!

My Parents Always Say
That Since My Wife Left,

I've Been Too Cautious About
Relationships, But Damn It!

This Is The One.
I Know It Is.

Let's Light This Candle
And Blast Off

Into A Calm, Settled,
Monogamous Relationship.

Oh, My. Look At Me.

I'm So Happy,
I Can't Feel My Legs.
(Sighs)

So I Took Everyone's Ideas For
The Meals‐Ready‐To‐Eat Project,

And Here It Is.

The Specs Called For
A Soldier To Carry

Three Of These
In His Backpack.

Now We Have To Design
A 14‐Foot Soldier.

Good News, Ted.

I Cured Walter Of
His Fear Of Commitment.

He Wants To Get Portraits
Painted Of The Two Of Us

With His Suitcase Dog,
All Wearing Turtlenecks.
Aw, Boo‐Hoo.

I've Got A Box Lunch
The Size Of A Handball Court.

Now I Gotta Go Find
Phil And Lem

And Straighten Out
This M.R.E. Disaster.
Don't "Boo‐Hoo" Me.

Did That M.R.E.
Touch Your Boobies, Ted?

Then Shut The Hell Up.

What I Didn't Know Was Phil
And Lem Weren't In The Lab.

They Were Having An Entirely
Different Adventure‐‐

Test‐Driving Their New
Insult‐Generating Formula.

Your Eyes Look Like
Two Beady Rabbit Pellets

On The Face Of
A Monkey‐Licking Pus‐Bomb.

You've Just Been
Phil‐Abusted.
Nice!

That's It‐‐Fill Up
Your Canker‐Blossomed Hole,

You Ale‐Soused Apple‐John.

Thatwas
The Elizabethan Model.

Ye Have Been Served.

(Elevator Bell Dings)

Nice Man‐Boobs,

For A Panty‐Snatching
Steroid Muncher.

What's The Matter? Didn't You
Get The Memo? (Laughs)

No, Phil, He Didn't.

He Delivers The Water.
He Doesn't Work Here.

(Crashing And Thumping)

(Liquid Splashing)

(Elevator Bell Dings)

(Bottle Clatters)

(Spits And Sighs)

Thank God
That Finally Broke.

Hey, Ted.

I May Go Home Early Today
And Never Come Back.

You Can't Go Home.
I Need You Guys.

And That's It‐‐The Insulting
Language Stuff Has Got To End,

You Douche‐Nozzles.

Sorry.
That Was One For The Road.

We Just Got Ted‐Ucated.

Look, Janet,
It's Crazy Out There.

Two Of My Guys Just Got
Beaten With Water.

I'm Sorry. There's Nothing
I Can Do, Mr. Crisp.

I Don't Like That Memo
Anymore Either.

Waytoo Many People
Are Having Fun With My Name.

I'm Surprised
It Took This Memo

To Get That Train
Out Of The Station.

Look, I've Had
Several Complaints,

But The Company Is Not Going
To Admit It Made A Mistake.

What If It Didn't Have To
Admit It Made A Mistake?

What If It Could Just Say That
It‐‐It's Making A‐A New Policy,

Based On A Groundswell
Of Employee Opinion?

Look At That Pretty Little Head
Of Yours, Working Up Ideas.

I'm A Fan.
Well, I Like You,
Too, Janet.

Mm.
So We Gonna Do This?

What Are We
Talking About, Exactly?
End This Policy.

Oh, That.

Well, If We Call It
A Groundswell,

I Think The Company
Would Go For It.

That Way, It Gets To
Pat Itself On The Back

For Listening And Being
A Great Communicationer.
You Mean "Communicator."

That's Not What It Says
In The Handbook.

(Knock On Door)

Hey, I Just Got This Memo.

We Don't Get To
Swear At Each Other Anymore.

It Was Due To A "Groundsmell."
Well, The Good News Is,
This Company

Does Not Squander Its Best
And Brightest Typing Memos.

So Is This All
Going In The M. R. E.?

Yeah. It Now Stands For
"Meal Really Enormous."
(Whispers) Oh.

Thisis What Happens When You
Take Everyone's Suggestions.

Well,
Why Did You Do That?

Because Someone I Care About
Thought I Was Controlling.

You Care That Much
What I Think About You?

You Aretalking
About Me, Right?
Yes.

(Chuckles)

So Is Any Of
This Stuff Usable?

Yeah. Debbie's Ethiopian Stew
Is Pretty Good.

And‐‐And When It Hardens,

It Forms An Unbreakable
Arch Support In Your Foot.

Oh, Well, See?
There You Go.

All You Needed
Was One Good Idea.

And You Got That Because You
Listened To Everyone,

Which You Did
Because You Listened To Me.

In Case You Missed It,
The Lesson Here Is Listen To Me.

What's This I'm Hearing
About Ethiopian Stew Shoes?

It's All They're
Talking About Upstairs.

Well, Speaking Of
Exciting Developments‐‐

When I Was In H. R.,

I Dug Up This Old Memo
About Your Promotion.

All The Executives
Had To Sign Off On It.
Really?

"I Know We Agreed Not To
Let Women Into Upper Management,

"But Veronica Palmer
Is Man‐Smart.

"And, Hello, As She Breaks
Through The Glass Ceiling,

We Can All
Look Up Her Skirt."

Oh, My God.
That Promotion Was Mine.

I Didn't
Ruin Walter's Life.

(Sighs) What Is Wrong With
Those Old Farts Upstairs?

Seriously,
They Wrote That In 2005.

I Am Off To Scrape Walter
Off My Shoe.

You May Want
To Be More Gentle‐‐

I Have A Hickey
On My Belly.

And So Veronica Went
Down To The Basement

And Broke Up With Walter.

But Then She
Made It Up To Him

By Giving Him
A New Aboveground Office.

Wow. (Stammers)

Thank You.

Phil And Lem Retired
Their Insult Formula

And Made Amends
With The Water Guy.

(Phil And Lem Whimpering)

And Irealized Communication
Isn't Just About Talking.

It's About Listening.

Debbie,
I Just Wanted To Say

I Appreciated Your Work
On The M. R. E.,

And When It Comes To Any Other
Thoughts You May Have,

I'm Listening.
I Think We Should
Go Out, Ted.

You Can Do
Whatever You Want To Me.

And Just Because I Listen

Doesn't Mean I Have To Take
Every Suggestion.