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♪
2
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Since I Spend
Most Of My Day At Work,
3
00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:09,743
It's Natural
Relationships Start To Form.
4
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:12,513
But Some Of Them Can Be
Tricky To Navigate.
5
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,347
Gosh, Ted.
6
00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:16,382
It's Like You Were Poured
Into That Suit.
7
00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,384
And Part Of Me
Is Still Hardening.
8
00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:21,354
See, That Would've Been
The Wrong Thing To Say.
9
00:00:21,387 --> 00:00:22,989
Thank You, Erica.
10
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,726
I Value And Respect You
As A Gender‐Neutral Colleague.
11
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,227
I May Have Overcorrected,
12
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,962
But It's Important
13
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:31,231
I Always Keep Things
Professional At The Office,
14
00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:32,999
With One Exception.
15
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,536
Hey, Sweetie.
Wanna Wrestle?
16
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,138
I'm Taking You Down,
Old Man.
17
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:40,741
(Ted) Since Rose Started Coming
To Veridian's After‐Care,
18
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,243
My Coffee Breaks Include
Much More Roughhousing.
Ted...
19
00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:45,812
Muss Up His Hair. It's
The Source Of All His Power.
(Rose Laughs)
20
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,981
What? No! Oh, No!
Not The Hair!
21
00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:50,383
Ahh!
Now Smash Him
With A Phone.
22
00:00:50,416 --> 00:00:53,620
Why Will Nobody In This Building
Ever Smash Anyone With A Phone?
23
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,789
What Do You Need, Veronica?
We Have A Problem.
24
00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:58,825
It's About Sexual...
25
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,227
Uh... Sexual...
26
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:05,165
H‐A‐R‐Ass‐Ment.
Hmm. Well, I Appreciate You
27
00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:07,400
Not Letting My Daughter Hear
The "Har" Part Of That,
28
00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:08,869
But Why Don't We Talk
About This Later?
29
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:12,238
And By The Way, I'm 8.
I Know How To Spell.
30
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:13,574
Never Show Your Hand,
Sweetie.
31
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,475
Always Let The Enemy
Underestimate You.
32
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:18,011
Then When Their Guard's Down,
Smash 'Em With A Phone.
33
00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:24,017
We're Having A Problem
34
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:26,520
With Some Of Those People
Who Live In The Cubicles.
35
00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:27,821
No, They Don't Live
In The‐‐You Know What?
36
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,356
I'm Not Gonna Explain This
To You Again.
One Of The Drones
37
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:33,627
Accuse
D Another Drone
Of Sexual Harassment.
Again?
38
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,395
That's The Third Time That's
Happened To Us This Year.
39
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,698
I Know. Legal Won't Tell Me
Who The Sleaze‐Hound Is.
40
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:40,200
But Upstairs
Is Very Unhappy With Me.
41
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,335
Our Whole Department Looks Like
A Guy At A Bus Station
42
00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:44,905
Wearing A Raincoat.
We Are Not Sleazy.
43
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,973
Our Department Is More Like
A Hard‐Working Squirrel
44
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,909
Stuffing His Nuts In‐‐Wait.
45
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,476
We're More Like
A Hard‐Working Beaver‐‐
46
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,879
Ah, I'm Not Gonna Land
This Metaphor.
47
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,981
Let Me Just Go Talk To
The People In The Cubicles,
48
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,785
Find Out What's Going On.
And Get Them To Stop
Coming On To Each Other.
49
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,453
It Might Be As Simple
As Improving The Lighting
50
00:02:00,486 --> 00:02:01,588
Out There.
51
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:07,327
I Just Heard They're Forcing
Chumley Into Retirement.
52
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,195
That's Crazy.
53
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:12,566
He's The Best Chemical Spill
Technician We've Ever Had.
54
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:13,667
Is He Gone Yet?
55
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,436
Let's Trigger The Floor Sensors
And See If He Comes.
56
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:21,174
(Beeping)
You Know,
You Could've Used Water.
57
00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,844
As Opposed To That Beaker
Of Bald Eagle Stem Cells
58
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,579
I've Been
Painstakingly Gathering
59
00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,247
For The Last Two Years.
60
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,016
Sorry.
You Should Label Things.
61
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,152
(Beeping Continues)
(Sighs)
62
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:35,221
(Whirring)
Chumley's So Great.
63
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:37,558
He's The Only One In The Office
Who's Always Smiling.
64
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,226
When He Looks At You
With Those Little Blue Lights,
65
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:41,695
It's Like You're The Only One
In The World.
66
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,797
What's Gonna Happen To Him?
Don't Worry.
67
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,066
Ted Told Me
Veridian Has A Place
68
00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:49,202
Where Retired Robots Get To
Run And Play With Other Robots.
69
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:52,506
It's Called
The Technology Farm.
Ah. God, That Sounds Great.
70
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,575
Like The Place
My Mom Sent My Dog
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00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,377
After He Crapped In Her Purse.
I Got An Alert
From The Floor Sensors
72
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,580
There's A Spill.
Who Are You?
73
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:01,815
I'm Carlos.
New Spill Technician.
74
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,484
Apparently I'm Cheaper
And Require Less Maintenance
75
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,521
Than Your...
Little Sucky Robot.
76
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,355
My God.
77
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:11,825
What Kind Of A Sick World
Are We Living In,
78
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:16,362
Where Machines Can Be So Easily
Cast Aside For People?
79
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,464
(Sighs)
80
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:20,501
(Whirs, Clicks And Beeps)
81
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,402
Hey. So If You Had To Guess
Who In Our Department
82
00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:24,404
Was Being Accused
Of Sexual Harassment,
83
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:27,708
Who Would You Say?
If I Had To Guess,
I Would Say That Keith Guy,
84
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,342
Because He's Kinda Creepy.
85
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,911
But Since I Know It's Me,
I'm Gonna Say Me
86
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,312
Because I Want To Win
This Game.
87
00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,548
You? You Sexually Harassed
Somebody?
88
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:37,017
It Was A Stupid
Misunderstanding.
89
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,985
(Sighs)
90
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:41,487
Sheila,
Is Everything All Right?
91
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:45,391
No, It's Not. My Cat Died.
92
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:48,328
Oh, No. Señor Noodlebaum?
93
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:50,531
No, That's Debbie's Cat.
She's An Idiot.
94
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,634
My Cat Was Named Meow
Is The Time For All Good Men
95
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,636
To Come To The Aid
Of Their Country.
96
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,671
I Just Called Him Meow.
97
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,372
But Meow He's Dead.
98
00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:01,374
He Loved Puns.
99
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:02,843
I'm So Sorry, Sheila.
100
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,978
You Look Like
You Could Use A Hug.
101
00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:06,680
Oh, That's Okay, Linda.
102
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:09,516
I'm Not Really A Physically
Affectionate Kind Of Person.
103
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:13,053
Don't Be Such A Tough Guy.
Everyone Needs A Hug Sometime.
But I‐‐
104
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,055
See?
Doesn't This Feel Good?
105
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,592
We Call This
A Midwestern Handshake.
106
00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:23,029
That Doesn't Sound So Sexual.
107
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,666
It Was Just A Hug
That Drifted Boobwardly.
108
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,168
Apparently, Later I Got,
As Sheila's Complaint Says,
109
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,903
"More Molest‐Y."
110
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,510
Linda, What Are You Doing?
111
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,579
I've Been Thinking About You
All Day.
112
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,446
Ooh, Man. You're Tense.
113
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:41,848
Linda, I...
114
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,517
Relax, Sheila.
115
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,586
Don't Fight It.
116
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,323
"Don't Fight It"?
Hindsight Is 20/20, Isn't It,
117
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:52,358
Mr. "Never Accidentally
Fondled Anyone"?
118
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,194
I Don't Think The Words
"Don't Fight It"
Have Ever Been Used
119
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:55,862
Where Someone Isn't Being
Sexually Harassed.
120
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:59,232
What Am I Gonna Do? I Could
Lose My Job Over This.
121
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,034
All Right, I'll Go Talk To
Sheila And Straighten It Out.
122
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,570
In The Meantime,
Try To Act Like A Gentleman.
123
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:06,172
Just Remember, Every Woman Here
Is Someone's Wife Or Daughter.
124
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:10,577
I Realize
It Was A Little Awkward,
125
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:12,579
But Linda Was Just Trying
To Comfort You.
126
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,715
Well, It Wasn't Comforting
To Me.
127
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,217
No, I Get That. But It Was
Just A Misunderstanding.
128
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:19,285
See, You Haven't Worked Here
That Long,
129
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,987
And You Don't Know Linda.
If You Did, You'd Know
130
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:24,691
How Clumsy And Accidentally
Predatory She Can Be.
131
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,727
You Two Should Really
Get To Know Each Other,
132
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,829
Get Better Acquainted.
133
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,331
You Want Linda And Me
To Get Better Acquainted?
134
00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:33,834
Sure. Maybe Go Out Sometime
After Work, Have Some Fun.
135
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,803
I Could Come, Too, If You Want.
All Three Of Us Could Do It.
136
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,172
Oh, I Don't Think
That Would Be A Good Idea.
137
00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:41,241
Oh, Come On, Sheila.
Don't Fight It.
138
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,577
Oh, Wait.
139
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,879
"Don't Fight It"?
140
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,714
You'd Be Surprised
141
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,449
How Easily That Phrase
Just Slides Right Outta You.
142
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:52,218
Sheila Claims You Propositioned
Her For A Threesome.
143
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,620
Veronica, I Work Full‐Time
144
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,455
And I Have
An 8‐Year‐Old Daughter.
145
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:58,024
I Don't Even Have The Energy
For A One‐Some. This Is Crazy.
146
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,962
I'm Gonna Go Talk To Her.
No, You're Not. Now I Know
It's Against Your Nature
147
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,130
To Sit Idly By
While Gotham Is In Peril,
148
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,499
But You Have To Sit This One
Out. I'll Take Care Of It.
But‐‐
149
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:10,737
Ted, As A Very Stupid Man
Once Said, "Don't Fight It."
150
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,183
Ted.
Ted.
151
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,551
They Took Our Robot Vacuum
To Transportation,
152
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,520
But They Forgot
His Extra Battery Pack.
153
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,889
We Want To Get It To Him
Before He Leaves For The Farm.
154
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:32,025
Right, The Farm. Here,
I'll Make Sure He Gets It.
155
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,694
Mm. We'll Give It To Him.
156
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,629
So If You Could Tell Us
Where It Is,
157
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:37,363
Because The Guys
In Transportation
158
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,366
Said There Is No Farm.
(Laughs) Jerks.
159
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,302
There Is A Farm, Right?
Right, Ted?
160
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:45,071
Right?
There's A Farm, Ted.
Tell Us There's A Farm.
161
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,007
There's A Farm. There's A Farm.
There's A Farm. There's A Farm.
Ah, Fellas..
.
162
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,243
No!
No! Where Did They Take Him,
You Son Of A Bitch?!
163
00:06:50,276 --> 00:06:53,213
I Mean...
My Immediate Superior!
164
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,683
Guys, I'm Sorry. I Was Trying
To Protect You From This, But...
165
00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:59,219
Well, The Truth Is, When Robots
Are No Longer Needed,
166
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,287
They're Sent Down
To The Subbasement
167
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,857
To Be Broken Down
And Used For Parts.
(Retches)
168
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:07,393
I Think I'm Going To Be Sick.
(Retches)
169
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:11,397
I Feel Like My Heart Has Been
Kicked In The Testicles.
170
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,969
Hello.
I'd Like To Talk To The Lawyer
171
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,004
In Charge Of Employee
Sexual Harassment.
172
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,140
That Would Be Mr. Thomas,
And He's Not Here.
173
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:23,209
Hmm. Will He Be Back Soon?
That Depends
On His Willingness
174
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,112
To Accept The Things
He Cannot Change‐‐Wait.
175
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,849
His Willingness To Change
What He Accepts...
176
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,317
No. The Wisdom‐‐
I Don't Know.
177
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,654
He's A Drunk.
He's In Rehab... Again.
178
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,189
Well, It's Nice
How You Honor His Struggle.
179
00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:38,391
He Does This
Five Times A Year,
180
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,694
But The Company Can't Fire Him
Because He Has A Disease.
181
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,530
He Also Has A Disease?
Poor Drunk.
182
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,732
No, That's His Disease.
He's An Alcoholic.
183
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,900
And As Long
As He's In Treatment,
184
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,703
The Company Can't Touch Him.
185
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:52,338
The Next Day, Veronica Made
A Startling Announcement.
186
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:54,140
Great News.
187
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,842
You Both Have A Disease.
188
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,544
You Would Be
A Terrible Doctor.
189
00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:00,046
I Convinced The Company
190
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,481
To Classify Sexual Harassment
As A Disease.
191
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,617
That Way, Anyone Accused Of It
192
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,351
Can't Be Fired Or Punished
In Any Way.
193
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:08,121
I Don't Want A Sex Disease,
Especially One
194
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,156
That's Assigned To Me
By My Supervisor.
195
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,559
Nonsense.
The Company Loved The Idea.
196
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:15,529
Now It Can't Be Sued Because
The Harasser Isn't Responsible
197
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,164
For His Or Linda's Actions.
198
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,333
Plus, Several Of The Executives
Have Their Own Grope‐Y,
199
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:21,835
Squeezy, Unzippy Problems,
200
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,570
And Now Their Jobs
Are Safe, Too.
201
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:26,339
This Is Ridiculous.
I Didn't Do Anything.
202
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:30,176
I Don't Have A Disease.
Ted, I'm A Hero Upstairs.
Don't Ruin This For Me.
203
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,212
All You Two Have To Do Is...
204
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,848
(Under Breath) Is Go
To Harassment Seminars.
205
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,850
We Have To Go
To Harassment Seminars?
206
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:39,485
I Have A Daughter.
I Speak Evasive Mumble.
207
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,955
Just Until You Learn How To
Control Your Perverse Impulses.
208
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:44,290
I Am Not Going To
Any Harassment Seminar.
209
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,826
No, I Am Gonna Fight
These Charges.
Yeah, Me, Too.
210
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,028
I Don't Like
Other Ladies' Breasts.
211
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,663
Some Days, I Don't Even Like
My Own Breasts.
212
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,331
Although Mostly,
They're Awesome.
213
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,534
Well, You'll Get
No Argument From Me.
214
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,737
And You Two Don't Think
You Need A Seminar.
215
00:08:56,770 --> 00:09:00,006
Look, If You Fight This
And Lose, You Could Be Fired.
216
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,909
I Don't Want To Lose This Job.
What Am I Supposed To Do,
217
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,711
Go Back To Wisconsin
And Work In The Cheese Mines?
218
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,346
After I Made That Big Speech,
219
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,715
Threw Down My Cheese Shovel
And Stormed Out?
220
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,784
All You Have To Do
Is Complete The Stupid Seminar,
221
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:13,219
And The Whole Thing Will Be
Expunged From Your Records.
222
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,188
And You'll Get
223
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,690
A Keepsake‐Quality
Seminar Diploma‐‐
224
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,792
Also My Idea.
225
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:21,662
I Was On Fire Up There.
226
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,669
Look At This Place.
227
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:32,072
All These Innocent Machines
Hacked To Pieces.
228
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:35,141
(Gasps) It's Like
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
229
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,143
If Somebody Massacred
The Chainsaws.
230
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,880
Chumley.
231
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,215
Oh! Look At Him.
232
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,018
They've Ripped The D. C.
Solenoids From His Relay Module
233
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:46,620
As If He Were
Some Sort Of Animal.
234
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:48,288
We Can Put Him Back Together.
235
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,957
I Fixed My Marriage
With Mechanical Attachments.
236
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,026
I Can Fix This.
237
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,363
I'm Denise,
238
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:59,633
Your Sexual Harassment Educator.
239
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,535
And You Are The Deviants.
240
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,670
So Let's Meet Each Other,
Shall We?
241
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,739
Ted, Why Are You Here?
242
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,741
Because Sheila's Cat Died,
This One Got Grabby,
243
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,676
And Some Of The Nonsense
Splattered On Me.
244
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,778
Bottom Line‐‐
I Am Not A Harasser.
245
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,480
Neither Am I.
Yeah, I Don't Belong Here
Either.
246
00:10:14,515 --> 00:10:17,483
Although I Would Be Open
To Some Private Tutoring.
247
00:10:17,518 --> 00:10:19,553
I'm Innocent, Too.
I Just Tripped
248
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:22,488
And Grabbed Some Chick's Boobs
To Keep From Falling.
249
00:10:22,523 --> 00:10:24,525
Plus, She Wanted It.
Is There Any Way
250
00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:27,027
I Can Complete This Course
Over The Internet?
251
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,195
Of Course You All Think
You're Innocent.
252
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,197
That's Part Of The Disease.
No, I Don't Have A Disease.
253
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,200
That's Another Part
Of The Disease.
Ted's Really Not A Harasser.
254
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,069
If Anything,
He's Too Repressed.
255
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:37,571
Well, You Are.
256
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,140
Okay, Well, That Makes
Perfect Sense.
257
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,543
Ted, You Sexually Harass Women
258
00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:44,811
Because Your Emotions
Are So Bottled Up.
259
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,813
They Explode Inappropriately.
260
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:49,716
Okay, How Do I Convince You That
I Am Ready To Graduate From
261
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,185
This League Of Extraordinarily
Perverted Gentlemen?
262
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:55,121
Well, You'll Have To Prove
You Can Express Your Emotions
263
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:55,722
More Honestly.
264
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,390
Use, Um, "I" Statements,
265
00:10:57,423 --> 00:11:00,661
Like "I Feel Sad"
Or "I Feel Angry."
266
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,163
Well, If That
Gets Me Outta Here,
267
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:06,366
Then I Feel Like I Can Do That.
That Doesn't Sound Very
Emotionally Honest To Me,
Ted.
268
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:09,903
It Really Doesn't.
Fine.
269
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:12,172
I Am Going To Be
So Emotionally Honest,
270
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,239
I Could Have
My Own Daytime Talk Show.
271
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,642
"Ted!"
With An Exclamation Point.
272
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,612
No Band, No Cooking Segments.
Just Me And The Topic Wheel.
273
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:21,548
And, Yes, I Have
Thought About This Before.
274
00:11:21,582 --> 00:11:24,184
And, Yes, I Am
Taking This Serious.
275
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:30,891
While Linda And I
Were Suffering Through
276
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,492
Sexual Harassment Class,
277
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,528
Veronica Was Discovering
Her New Policy
278
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,996
Was Having
An Unexpected Effect.
279
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,564
Once People Realized
280
00:11:37,598 --> 00:11:39,332
They Couldn't Be Fired
For Harassment,
281
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,802
They Started To Take Chances
And Flirt More.
282
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:45,572
I'm A Genius, Ted.
My Bosses Are Happy,
The Cubicle Smurfs Are Happy,
283
00:11:45,606 --> 00:11:47,741
And The Sexual Tension
Between The Janitors
284
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,043
Has Finally Been Resolved.
No, Not Everyone's Happy.
285
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,378
I Have To Get All Open
And Girlie With My Coworkers
286
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,515
Because Some Crystal‐Worshipping
Feelings‐Hound
287
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,149
Thinks I'm Repressed.
288
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:58,519
Pshew. Pshew. Pshew.
Pshew.
289
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:02,488
What Are You Doing?
That's The Sound Of Me
Deflecting Your Whiny Bitching
290
00:12:02,523 --> 00:12:05,458
With My Happiness Shield.
291
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:07,694
Hey.
292
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:11,197
It's The Girl From My Seminar.
I've Been Thinking About You.
293
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,399
Well, Don't.
Fine. Let's Keep
It Professional.
294
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,902
I'll Give You 50 Bucks
To Show Me Your Boobs.
295
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:19,706
$10 If You Just Say
The Word "Boobs."
Really? $10 Just To Say‐‐
296
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,843
Hey, Wait A Minute.
That's Gross.
297
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,811
Our Goofball Teacher
Was Right.
298
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,213
What You're Doing Right Now
Isn't About Sex.
299
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,549
It's About Power.
300
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,651
How About If
I Did That To You?
301
00:12:30,684 --> 00:12:33,520
I'll Give You $10
To Say Boobs.
Boobs.
302
00:12:33,554 --> 00:12:35,455
Okay, That Wasn't Good.
How About This?
303
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,457
Your Junk Has Been Neglected
For So Long,
304
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,325
That If Someone Called
Social Services,
305
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,361
They'd Take It Away.
They Would Not.
306
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,964
Hey! I Hurt Your Feelings?
Ahh.
307
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:46,967
So What Else We Got Here?
308
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,334
Let's Keep Working The Junk.
309
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,370
That Looks Like One Package
310
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,873
I'd Be Disappointed To Open
Christmas Morning. (Chuckles)
311
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:55,141
That's Right.
Because It's Undesirable.
312
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:58,378
It's The Saddest, Loneliest Inch
In The Whole World.
313
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,347
It Is Not! You're Mean.
I'm Gonna Report You.
314
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,717
Go Ahead.
I Can Say Whatever I Want.
315
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,351
I Have A Disease.
316
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:08,755
Oh, Yeah.
Mama's Gonna Have Fun With This.
317
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:16,296
That's The Last Piece.
318
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,398
This Must Be
How Dr. Frankenstein Felt
319
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,734
And That Creepy Scientist
On The Fourth Floor
320
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:21,802
Who Tried To Build A Wife
321
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:24,170
Out Of Mannequin Parts
And Chicken Skin.
Yeah.
322
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,372
That Was Awkward
At
The Christmas Party
323
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:30,110
When We Had To Pretend
She Didn't Smell Like Chicken.
Mm.
324
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,111
(Click)
325
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,846
(Whirs And Beeps)
326
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:34,180
(Laughs)
Let's Test Him.
327
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,182
(Whirring And Beeping)
328
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,351
Mmm.
329
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,153
(Slurping)
330
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:41,655
He Is Back
331
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,791
And Suckier Than Ever!
332
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,561
What's He Doing Here?
333
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,563
This Is My Floor Now.
Don't You Get It?
334
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:52,533
It's Not About Machines Anymore.
335
00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:55,969
Now It's About Guys
With Mops.
336
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,304
(Whirring And Beeping Continue)
337
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,173
Don't Worry, Chumley.
338
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,142
He's Just Jealous Because
Your Smile Is Permanent
339
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,044
And His Only Comes
When He's Happy.
340
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,546
(Chirps)
341
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:07,714
(Laughs)
342
00:14:07,748 --> 00:14:09,149
(Whirs And Beeps)
343
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,717
Aah!
344
00:14:10,751 --> 00:14:13,486
He Peed Coffee In My Face
From His Mouth!
345
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,523
(Whirring And Beeping Loudly)
346
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,493
Anyway, Steve,
I Just Want You To Know
347
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,529
That You
Keeping Things So Clean
348
00:14:22,563 --> 00:14:25,131
Makes Me Feel
Like I'm, Uh, Cared For.
349
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,734
Thanks, Ted.
I‐I Really Appreciate That.
350
00:14:27,768 --> 00:14:30,737
But, Uh... (Lowered Voice)
You Know I'm With Willy Now.
351
00:14:30,771 --> 00:14:32,673
Oh, That's Right. I Heard.
352
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,708
So Anyway,
Uh, Speaking Of Gay,
353
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,309
Would You Mind
Signing This Form
354
00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:38,344
Saying I Was
Emotionally Expressive?
355
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:41,381
While I Was Wiping Down
The Office With My Emotions,
356
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,449
Veronica Was Realizing
Her Genius Idea
357
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,785
Had One Fatal Flaw.
358
00:14:44,818 --> 00:14:46,620
It Was Stupid.
359
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,890
All The Flirting
Was Affecting Productivity.
360
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,559
Cindy, I Need You To...
361
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:05,305
Thanks, Guys.
I Feel Appreciative
And I'm Happy That‐‐
362
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,273
You Promised You Would
Stop Talking Like That
363
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,142
If We Signed Your Form.
Right. So What Do You Need?
364
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:10,977
We Found Chumley
And Reassembled Him,
365
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,614
But Something's Different.
He Came Back Wrong.
366
00:15:13,647 --> 00:15:15,982
We Need To Have Access
To The Robotics Lab
367
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,151
So We Can Replace
368
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:20,220
His Diflossoroid
Dual‐Cacheing Processor...
369
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:24,324
Or Insides.
Guys, It's A Shop‐Vac.
You Gotta Let It Go.
370
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,126
He's More
Than Just A Shop‐Vac.
371
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,228
He's Got Lights
Where His Eyes Would Be
372
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,797
And A Smile Where We Drew It.
If Your Friend
Ryan Seacrest Was Sick,
373
00:15:30,831 --> 00:15:32,232
You Wouldn't Turn
Your Back On Him.
374
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,367
I'm Not Friends
With Ryan Seacrest.
375
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,738
Really? We Always Thought
You Guys Were Friends.
No.
376
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:41,341
But I Always Kinda Picture You
Two Playing Volleyball Together.
No.
377
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,144
Another Loss.
378
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:47,681
Oh!
Oh!
379
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,616
I'm Sorry.
380
00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:52,553
Uh, I Feel Sorry
That I Walked Into You.
No, It Was My Fault.
381
00:15:52,586 --> 00:15:55,488
Mr. Stewart Took A Bunch
Of Us Girls To Lunch.
382
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,490
I Had Four Glasses Of Wine
383
00:15:57,524 --> 00:16:00,360
And A Chocolate Souffle,
Which Was Yummy.
384
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,128
You're Yummy.
385
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,565
My Underwear
Is In My Purse Right Now.
386
00:16:04,598 --> 00:16:06,967
I Feel, Uh, Happy
That You Think I'm Yummy.
387
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,536
But Also Sad That
If I Do Anything About It,
388
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:12,506
I Will Have To Spend
The Rest Of My Life
389
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,207
In Harassment Seminars.
Isn't It Funny
390
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,943
How The Word "Harassment"
Has "Her Ass" In It?
391
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:21,114
Do You Know What Else
Could Have Her Ass In It? You.
392
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:24,551
I Can't Quite Picture That,
But I Feel Like I Must Leave.
393
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,158
Everyone's Taking Advantage
Of The New Policy, Ted.
394
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,961
It's Like Mating Season
Out There‐‐
395
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,898
All Hands And Tongues
And Sweat And Grinding.
396
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:40,200
It's Kinda Hot, Actually.
I Know.
397
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,135
A Beautiful Woman
Just Called Me Yummy.
398
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:45,138
I Like Being Called Yummy.
You Are Yummy.
399
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,608
So Are You.
400
00:16:47,641 --> 00:16:49,510
And Since I Have To Be
Emotionally Honest,
401
00:16:49,543 --> 00:16:51,678
I Want To Take Off
My Underwear Right Now
402
00:16:51,712 --> 00:16:54,715
And Put It In Your Purse.
I Don't Know What That Means,
403
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,282
You Sick, Sexy Bastard,
404
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,484
But It's Flipping My Switches.
405
00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,521
Ugh. Wait.
What Are We Doing?
406
00:17:00,554 --> 00:17:02,889
We're Like Everyone Else
Around Here,
407
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:04,791
Acting Like Horny Idiots.
408
00:17:04,825 --> 00:17:07,193
God, My Policy Is A Disaster.
I'm A Terrible Executive.
409
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:10,631
No, You Are Not. Y‐You're One
Of The Best Executives Ever.
410
00:17:10,664 --> 00:17:13,366
You're As Good As Steve Jobs
Or Lee Iacocca Or‐‐
411
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,802
Field Marshal Rommel?
Okay.
412
00:17:15,836 --> 00:17:19,640
He Was A Brilliant Tactician Who
Looked Magnificent In Jodhpurs.
413
00:17:19,673 --> 00:17:21,775
Now I'm Picturing You
In Jodhpurs.
So Am I,
414
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,044
And I'll Bet Rommel Didn't Wear
A Thong Underneath His.
415
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,280
Oh, I'd Really Like To See
That Thong Right Now.
What A Happy Coincidence.
416
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:30,651
It's In The Mood
For Receiving Guests.
417
00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:39,025
(Door Opens)
418
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,795
Hi, Daddy. It's My Snack Break.
Oh, Hi, Veronica.
419
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,196
Hello, Rose. Ted.
420
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,533
Hello, Veronica. Rose.
421
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,034
You Guys Are Acting Weird.
422
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,670
In Ten Years, Honey,
423
00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:52,438
You'll Look Back
On This Moment And Think, Oh!
424
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,848
Sheila, I Can't Find
My Budget Report.
425
00:18:01,882 --> 00:18:04,350
Do You Know Where...
426
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,653
(Groans) Oh,
There's A Spider.
427
00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:09,322
It's Coming Right Down
On You.
Where?
428
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:12,793
Hold Still. I'll Get It.
429
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:14,628
What Are You Doing?
430
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:15,996
Ow!
431
00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:17,898
Oh! What The Hell?
432
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,734
I Can't Help It.
I Have A Disease.
433
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,069
Honk! Honk!
Hey, Quit It.
434
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:26,540
Wow. You Must Be, Like,
90% Body Fat, But Me Likey.
435
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,341
Honk! Honk!
That Isn't Harassment.
436
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:31,044
Harassment
Is Supposed To Be Sexy.
437
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,680
You're Not Even
Doing It Right.
438
00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:37,718
Wow. Thanks, Linda.
439
00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:40,320
Listen, Recently
I've Been Very Fortunate
440
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,355
To Spend Time
With Some Major Perverts.
441
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:43,790
And It's Made Me Realize,
442
00:18:43,824 --> 00:18:46,126
I Should've
Respected Your Boundaries.
443
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:49,696
Oh, That's Okay.
I May Have Overreacted.
444
00:18:49,730 --> 00:18:52,332
Shh. Did You Hear That?
445
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,400
Somewhere A Butt Is Being
Smacked Against Its Will...
446
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,336
A Feel Is Being Copped,
447
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:58,304
A Well‐Endowed Woman
Is Being Asked
448
00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,806
If She Gives Fries
With That Shake,
449
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,375
And So...
That Is Where I Am Needed.
450
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,177
Impressed By Linda's Heroism,
451
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:07,380
Sheila Decided To Drop
The Charges Against Us.
452
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:09,282
I Don't Care What Ted Says.
453
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:12,719
We Have To Do Whatever It Takes
To Get Chumley Well.
I Agree.
454
00:19:12,753 --> 00:19:15,221
Let's Never Quit On Him.
(Whirring And Beeping)
455
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,691
Hey, Chumley.
456
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,125
Ow!
457
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,227
Aah! Ow!
458
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,496
It's Attacking My Foot!
Kill It!
459
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,199
Stab It In The Brain!
Don't Ask Me To Choose
Between The Two Of You!
460
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:28,569
Ooh! Ooh! Oh!
461
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:31,071
Ooh! Ah! Ooh!
462
00:19:31,104 --> 00:19:34,875
Ooh! (Gasps)
463
00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:36,510
(Powers Down And Chirps)
464
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,313
Ultimately,
I Would've Chosen You.
465
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,214
And I'm Not Just Saying That
466
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:44,217
Because You're The One
Who Survived.
467
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,219
And I Choose To Believe That.
468
00:19:46,252 --> 00:19:48,354
Boy, Bringing Things Back
From The Dead
469
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:51,892
Never Goes Smoothly.
470
00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:53,960
Thank You, Carlos.
471
00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:55,996
I'm Just A Man With A Mop.
472
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:58,064
That's What We Do.
473
00:19:58,098 --> 00:20:01,201
(Spaghetti Western Music
Playing)
474
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,537
Phil And Lem Finally Realized
They'd Also Been Having
475
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:07,373
An Inappropriate Relationship
With A Coworker.
476
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,610
As For The Other
Inappropriate Relationships,
477
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:11,645
Well, Thanks To Rose
Walking In On Us,
478
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:15,048
Veronica And I Figured Out
A Way To End Those, Too.
479
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,984
Uh, Here It Comes‐‐
The Parade Of Children.
480
00:20:18,018 --> 00:20:19,820
Nothing Kills
Sex Drive Faster
481
00:20:19,853 --> 00:20:21,555
Than Having Kids Around.
482
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,690
(Children Speaking Indistinctly)
483
00:20:23,724 --> 00:20:25,892
After‐Care Agreed
To March Them Through
484
00:20:25,926 --> 00:20:27,894
At Random Times For Exercise.
485
00:20:27,928 --> 00:20:30,531
Children‐‐
They Have So Many Uses.
486
00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:32,633
They're Like Adorable
Swiss Army Knives.
487
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:35,001
Although They Can't Open Wine
Worth A Damn.
488
00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:37,604
Listen, Veronica, About What
Happened In My Office...
489
00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:40,941
Ah, Forget It, Ted. There Was
Too Much Sex In The Air.
490
00:20:40,974 --> 00:20:42,843
But We're Like
Rommel And Patton.
491
00:20:42,876 --> 00:20:45,345
We Respect And Are
Even Attracted To Each Other,
492
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:48,014
But If We Ever Got Together,
It Would Be A Bloodbath.
493
00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:51,017
Although Feel Free To Look
At My Ass As I Walk Away.
494
00:20:51,051 --> 00:20:53,754
It's Having A Spectacular Day.
495
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,491
Wow. She's Having
A Great Ass Day.
496
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:01,294
Yeah, That's What
The Parade's About.
(Smacks Buttocks)
497
00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:03,396
That's For Staring
At Her Butt.
498
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,732
(Blows Air)
There's A New Sheriff In Town.
499
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:11,037
Maybe Sometimes I Do Keep
My Emotions Bottled Up Inside.
500
00:21:11,071 --> 00:21:13,607
Maybe That's Okay,
Especially At Work.
501
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,476
What's Important Is, I Let Them
Out When It Counts.
502
00:21:16,510 --> 00:21:18,144
Hey. Huh!
503
00:21:18,178 --> 00:21:20,180
(Laughs)
Bring It, Old Man!
504
00:21:20,213 --> 00:21:22,115
Oh! Oh, No. Oh, No.
505
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:24,685
(Both Laugh)
506
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,321
Wh‐‐Ow!
39405
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