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1
00:00:01,834 --> 00:00:03,530
Now, George Clooney,
2
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:07,937
you know Santa won't come
until you go to sleep.
3
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:11,569
All right, one more story.
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,806
"'Twas the week
before Christmas,
5
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:15,575
and all through the house,
6
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:20,143
the women I live with
were starting to grouse."
7
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,157
My kids want to spend Christmas
with their significant others.
8
00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:25,725
I guess having sex
is more important
9
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:29,887
than hanging out in Cleveland
with their mom and fake aunts.
10
00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:34,467
Do you ever listen
to yourself, Melanie?
11
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:37,233
I try not to.
12
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:39,363
My Christmas
is gonna stink this year.
13
00:00:39,472 --> 00:00:41,998
Oh, my Christmas
stinks every year.
14
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,633
You're
a struggling young actress,
15
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:45,837
you do one movie
called "Disco Christmas,"
16
00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:47,470
and for the next three decades,
17
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:50,448
strangers call out
the catchphrase.
18
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,712
"Merry Christmas, jive turkey."
19
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,954
Yes, that's the one.
20
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:57,387
Sometimes I wish I'd done porn
21
00:00:57,490 --> 00:01:00,016
instead
of that humiliating movie.
22
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,391
I did porn.
23
00:01:07,533 --> 00:01:09,365
In Poland.
24
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:14,740
But it was just me
peeling a potato...
25
00:01:16,809 --> 00:01:19,108
in slow motion.
26
00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:24,643
Victoria, it wasn't all bad.
27
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:27,619
You fell in love and married
Ernie Hudson on that movie.
28
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:28,915
Oh, even so.
29
00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:30,489
Just once,
I would like a Christmas
30
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,855
without everyone
gathering around the TV set
31
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,325
to laugh at me.
32
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:39,092
You may want to skip my viewing
party I host every year.
33
00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:41,167
Oh, and you never invited us
34
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,792
because we were away
at Christmas.
35
00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:45,337
Sure.
36
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,667
All right, Elka,
37
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,368
there will be no
"Disco Christmas" in this house.
38
00:01:49,475 --> 00:01:50,475
I forbid it.
39
00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:51,806
But it's a tradition.
40
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:54,346
No, "It's a Wonderful Life"
is a tradition.
41
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,143
This is just humiliation.
42
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,013
You know,
"It's a Wonderful Life"
43
00:01:58,117 --> 00:01:59,346
nearly wasn't a tradition.
44
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:01,730
Someone bought the rights and
kept it off the air for years.
45
00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:04,121
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
46
00:02:04,223 --> 00:02:07,716
Ernie owns the rights
to "Disco Christmas."
47
00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:10,129
I'm sure
he would let me have them.
48
00:02:10,229 --> 00:02:11,229
I mean, divorced couples
49
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,994
do favors for each other
all the time.
50
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,300
Merry Christmas to one and all.
51
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:18,837
Wow.
Someone's in a good mood.
52
00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:20,783
Someone's
mother's not coming to Cleveland
53
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:21,807
for Christmas.
54
00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:24,753
She got kicked off the plane
for getting into a slap fight
55
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,474
with an 8-year-old
over an armrest.
56
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:30,516
Oh, this is going
to be glorious.
57
00:02:30,616 --> 00:02:33,381
A Christmas
without her constant criticism.
58
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,785
Do you know, she never once
let me pick out the tree?
59
00:02:35,888 --> 00:02:36,888
Why not?
60
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,619
Because she has
a time-honored tradition
61
00:02:38,724 --> 00:02:41,956
that everything Joy does
is wrong, wrong, wrong.
62
00:02:42,061 --> 00:02:44,860
Oh, yeah. I remember reading
that in her Christmas letter.
63
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,825
Elka, are you making
Christmas cookies?
64
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,495
No, I just set a timer
65
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,870
for how long I think
I could put up with you three.
66
00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:58,672
I was way off.
67
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:01,778
Well, I'm out of here.
68
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,655
Hello.
May I help you?
69
00:03:09,755 --> 00:03:12,816
It's me... Sally.
I'm your next-door neighbor.
70
00:03:12,925 --> 00:03:14,416
Oh!
71
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:17,087
So does that mean that the woman
with the dreadful children
72
00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,461
and the hideous minivan
moved away?
73
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,793
Nope, I'm still here.
74
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:25,565
What can we do for you, Sally?
75
00:03:25,671 --> 00:03:27,382
Elka said I could borrow
your extension cord
76
00:03:27,406 --> 00:03:28,669
for the holiday lights contest.
77
00:03:28,774 --> 00:03:30,640
I'm going
for my fourth-straight win.
78
00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,609
There's
a holiday lights contest?
79
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,704
Oh, my God.
I am so there!
80
00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:35,907
Really?
81
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:38,382
We have actual Christmas
in Cleveland.
82
00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:40,510
It's not like L.A.
with your fake snow
83
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:41,986
and your surfing Santas.
84
00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,991
Listen, whatever your name is...
85
00:03:46,158 --> 00:03:49,560
people came from miles around
to see Melanie's decorations.
86
00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:51,062
She can win this contest.
87
00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:52,927
The first rule
of this contest is,
88
00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:55,365
you have to put up
all the decorations yourself.
89
00:03:55,468 --> 00:03:57,960
Oh, well, she can't do that.
90
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,730
- Could you imagine?
- Hey!
91
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,605
I can do it, and I will do it.
92
00:04:03,709 --> 00:04:05,473
My kids aren't gonna be here
this year,
93
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,523
and that makes me sad,
but I don't want to feel sad.
94
00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:10,949
So I'm gonna misplace those
emotions into anger against you
95
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,747
and beat your ass
in this contest.
96
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:16,152
Well, my kids are here.
97
00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:20,818
And they're whining and crying,
and I'm sad I ever had them.
98
00:04:23,829 --> 00:04:26,162
And those are the emotions
I'm channeling
99
00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:28,928
into beating your ass.
100
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,881
"So, the ex-Mrs. Hudson
101
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:45,315
set off to acquire
the broadcasting rights
102
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:47,785
for her Christmas misfire.
103
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:51,051
With Ernie in town...
He was doing a play...
104
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:54,889
It was easy to set up
a meeting that day."
105
00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:56,274
You remember
the first day we met
106
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:57,922
on the set of "Disco Christmas"?
107
00:04:58,030 --> 00:04:58,588
Mm.
108
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,633
And my clog got caught
in your bell-bottom,
109
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:04,101
and we tumbled to the floor,
just lay there...
110
00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:06,968
my perm pressed against
your "funk you" medallion.
111
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:11,673
You know, to me,
you'll always be Teena Fazio,
112
00:05:11,777 --> 00:05:14,303
torn between ballet and disco.
113
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,644
Why did we break up anyway?
114
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,446
Because you were
always manipulating me
115
00:05:19,552 --> 00:05:21,521
into doing things
against my best interests.
116
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:23,522
Oh, Ernie.
117
00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:26,058
I was just getting all nostalgic
118
00:05:26,158 --> 00:05:27,888
about our time
on "Disco Christmas."
119
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,326
Hm.
120
00:05:29,428 --> 00:05:32,489
What ever happened to the rights
to that movie, by the way?
121
00:05:32,598 --> 00:05:34,157
And there it is.
122
00:05:34,266 --> 00:05:35,564
Okay, fine, fine.
123
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:36,979
I want you
to give me those rights
124
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,472
so that I can rid the world
of our common shame.
125
00:05:39,572 --> 00:05:41,803
I'm not embarrassed by it,
Victoria.
126
00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:43,398
I mean, it's not my best work,
127
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:47,571
but I've got a good enough sense
of humor to laugh at myself.
128
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,080
Why can't you?
129
00:05:49,181 --> 00:05:51,173
Because it's humiliating.
130
00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:53,616
Strangers quote it to me
on the street.
131
00:05:53,719 --> 00:05:55,847
I'm sure they do
the same to you.
132
00:05:55,955 --> 00:05:58,686
I was in "Ghostbusters."
133
00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:00,123
I have get back to the theater.
134
00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:01,558
Oh, wait.
135
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:04,256
What if I said if you don't
give me those rights,
136
00:06:04,363 --> 00:06:05,262
you'll regret it?
137
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:06,364
That after I'm gone,
138
00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:08,561
I will haunt you
for the rest of your days?
139
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:10,466
Then I guess I'd say...
140
00:06:10,569 --> 00:06:13,038
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
141
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:18,243
Come on, lady.
142
00:06:18,344 --> 00:06:20,142
I've shown you
every tree in the lot.
143
00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:21,390
It's just that
I've never actually
144
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:22,677
picked out a tree before.
145
00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:24,982
And I keep hearing my mother's
critical voice in my head
146
00:06:25,084 --> 00:06:26,643
telling me
everything I do is wrong.
147
00:06:26,752 --> 00:06:28,345
But fine.
148
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:29,478
I pick this one.
149
00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:31,648
Wrong!
150
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,322
What do you mean, "wrong"?
151
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:38,421
It looks like an old cheap thing
tarted up for sale.
152
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:39,726
I can see why you'd like it.
153
00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:44,497
Now, this one
has dignity and presence
154
00:06:44,603 --> 00:06:46,595
and almost regal quality.
155
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:47,765
Really?
156
00:06:47,873 --> 00:06:51,435
That tree is frumpy and stuffy
and interfering.
157
00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:52,637
How could a tree be...
158
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,806
How dare you interrupt
a British conversation!
159
00:06:57,616 --> 00:06:58,811
Thank you.
160
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,318
You can leave now.
161
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:01,659
I want to pick out my own tree.
162
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:05,453
Well, enjoy making the biggest
mistake of your Christmas.
163
00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:07,754
I will!
164
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:09,294
So you want this one?
165
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:10,522
Yes.
166
00:07:10,629 --> 00:07:13,929
I am a grown woman with my own
mind, and I'm not changing it
167
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,559
just because some bossy
British lady thinks I'm wrong.
168
00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:19,104
So... wrap this one up
and take it to my car.
169
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:21,674
- But that's not the...
- I said, "Wrap it up"!
170
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:26,373
It's too tall and too dried up.
171
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,141
But enough about Joy.
172
00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:30,478
The tree's great.
173
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,595
Honey, I think it's perfect,
174
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,806
and the best part is, your mom
had nothing to do with it.
175
00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:45,841
You picked it out yourself.
176
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:47,458
Yes.
177
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:49,997
That is the best part.
178
00:07:50,102 --> 00:07:51,582
Okay, I got to get back
to decorating.
179
00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:54,003
Are you really gonna use
all of these lights?
180
00:07:54,106 --> 00:07:54,801
Oh, are you kidding?
181
00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:56,752
This is just for the lawn
and the front of the house.
182
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,574
I still have
to get back to Walmart
183
00:07:58,677 --> 00:08:00,236
and get the roof tableau.
184
00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:02,178
I am gonna destroy Sally
185
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:04,682
and teach her
the real meaning of Christmas.
186
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,044
So, how'd your lunch
with Ernie go?
187
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,919
Ah, he said I needed
to learn to laugh at myself.
188
00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:12,023
Can you believe it?
189
00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:13,854
I laugh at myself all the time.
190
00:08:13,959 --> 00:08:16,690
- Really?
- Yes.
191
00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:19,766
People said that I would never
win an Oscar, and then I did.
192
00:08:19,865 --> 00:08:21,993
Hilarious.
193
00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:25,629
And what about the time
Susan Lucci fell in the pond?
194
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,802
That's not laughing at yourself.
195
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,174
That's laughing at Susan Lucci.
196
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:35,942
The point is, I was laughing,
and I was myself.
197
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:41,349
Oh, this is gonna be
a good party.
198
00:08:42,254 --> 00:08:44,314
Okay, Joy,
the judges are gonna be able
199
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:45,634
to see the tree
through that window,
200
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:46,751
so you have to make it pop.
201
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:47,952
I will.
202
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,756
I'm thinking
of doing white lights
203
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,831
- and simple gold ribbon.
- Sounds beautiful.
204
00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:53,923
Or maybe strings
of popcorn and candy.
205
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,831
- Also good.
- Or should I do ornaments?
206
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,631
Strings of popcorn,
ornaments, ribbon.
207
00:08:57,736 --> 00:08:59,830
- How can I choose?
- Honey, whatever you choose,
208
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:02,101
it's going to be perfect, okay?
209
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,178
Just listen to the same voice
that guided you to that tree.
210
00:09:05,277 --> 00:09:08,247
Damn it, Melanie,
I was trying to avoid that.
211
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:12,975
Excuse me.
212
00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:16,283
Earlier today, there was a
disagreeable British woman here.
213
00:09:16,388 --> 00:09:17,388
Yeah, you.
214
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:19,954
I'm talking
about an older woman.
215
00:09:21,393 --> 00:09:23,828
Older than me.
216
00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:25,989
Oh, you mean Margaret.
217
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:27,259
She's Mrs. Claus.
218
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,767
Over there in Santa's village.
219
00:09:30,302 --> 00:09:32,430
I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.
220
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,337
Excuse me.
Can I just squeeze through here?
221
00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:36,704
There's a line!
222
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:38,505
Yeah, I just want to ask
a quick question.
223
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:41,080
Yes, you wear too much makeup.
224
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,407
Hey, why isn't she
sitting on Santa's lap?
225
00:09:45,517 --> 00:09:46,517
I just...
226
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,245
Fine.
227
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:50,914
Sorry, Santa.
228
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:54,289
Ha ha.
Ho, ho, ho!
229
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:56,419
Wait.
Joy?
230
00:09:57,496 --> 00:09:58,156
Ted?
231
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,495
Look, I was gonna call you.
I swear.
232
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:03,033
Really?
233
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:04,495
You came to my house
for one night,
234
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,095
and then you left
before I woke up.
235
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:08,868
He really is Santa.
236
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:16,510
Oh, hey, Sally.
237
00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:19,175
Yeah, I'm just
finishing up the porch.
238
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,084
Yes, it all looks very nice...
239
00:10:22,187 --> 00:10:23,678
and conventional.
240
00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:33,628
Holy Jesus.
241
00:10:33,732 --> 00:10:35,223
Coming right up.
242
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,866
Yeah, so, if you'll excuse me,
243
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,500
I'm gonna go put Santa
on the roof.
244
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:47,273
No way.
I own Santa on the roof.
245
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:49,871
You can't own Santa on the roof.
246
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,143
It's a classic.
247
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,479
This isn't over, Moretti.
248
00:10:52,584 --> 00:10:53,711
No, but you are.
249
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,754
Ha ha.
Good one.
250
00:10:56,922 --> 00:10:58,515
You coming to midnight Mass?
251
00:10:58,624 --> 00:10:59,489
I am.
252
00:10:59,591 --> 00:11:00,957
Good.
See you there!
253
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,084
Peace be with you!
254
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,686
And also with you!
255
00:11:12,036 --> 00:11:13,265
You were actually thinking
256
00:11:13,371 --> 00:11:15,567
of putting tinsel
on that beautiful tree?
257
00:11:15,673 --> 00:11:17,073
It's just one idea.
258
00:11:17,175 --> 00:11:20,270
I've coughed up better ideas
into this hankie.
259
00:11:21,346 --> 00:11:22,541
Oh, really?
260
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:24,809
Well, then maybe I'll do it
just to spite you.
261
00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:28,478
Well, I wish you'd stand up
straight just to spite me.
262
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,520
You're worse than my mother.
263
00:11:30,621 --> 00:11:32,715
And you're more pigheaded
than my daughter.
264
00:11:32,824 --> 00:11:34,520
Thank God
my mother's stuck in London.
265
00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:38,392
Thank God my daughter's
with her filthy French husband.
266
00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:41,931
Well... the point is,
267
00:11:42,033 --> 00:11:44,628
I don't want you
anywhere near my tree.
268
00:11:44,736 --> 00:11:46,227
So if you have
nothing else to do,
269
00:11:46,337 --> 00:11:48,806
I don't want you to be
at 68 Cedar Cliff Road
270
00:11:48,906 --> 00:11:51,603
- tonight at 7:00.
- Well, even if I wanted to go,
271
00:11:51,709 --> 00:11:53,302
I certainly
wouldn't be there at 7:00
272
00:11:53,411 --> 00:11:55,744
because I work until 7:30.
273
00:11:55,847 --> 00:11:58,544
Well, then, you won't care
that Euclid is the cross street,
274
00:11:58,649 --> 00:12:00,709
and if you hit the gas station,
you've gone too far.
275
00:12:08,126 --> 00:12:09,788
I warned you, Moretti.
276
00:12:09,894 --> 00:12:12,864
Now your Santa's gonna get it.
277
00:12:12,964 --> 00:12:15,331
Sally?
What...
278
00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:17,425
Is that a gun?!
279
00:12:18,102 --> 00:12:19,968
Keep your Christmas panties on.
280
00:12:20,071 --> 00:12:21,767
It's just a pellet gun.
281
00:12:21,873 --> 00:12:23,017
And you'd better get used to it
282
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:26,808
because all my kids
are getting one tomorrow.
283
00:12:26,911 --> 00:12:28,777
You're not
actually gonna shoot...
284
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:29,880
Aah!
285
00:12:31,015 --> 00:12:33,075
Santa!
Santa!
286
00:12:33,151 --> 00:12:34,278
Santa!
287
00:12:35,219 --> 00:12:38,246
See you at the party, loser!
288
00:12:39,457 --> 00:12:41,722
Santa!
289
00:12:41,826 --> 00:12:43,590
Oh, crap!
290
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:51,562
Well, thanks to my help,
291
00:12:51,669 --> 00:12:54,764
I suppose
it's not a total balls-up.
292
00:12:54,872 --> 00:12:57,341
Shut up and drink your tea.
293
00:12:57,442 --> 00:12:59,468
My mother always said
the way to a man's heart
294
00:12:59,577 --> 00:13:01,443
was through a decent cup of tea.
295
00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:05,211
I take it you're single.
296
00:13:08,419 --> 00:13:09,944
Let's all thank Elka
297
00:13:10,054 --> 00:13:12,751
for hosting the annual
"Disco Christmas" party.
298
00:13:12,857 --> 00:13:14,655
Hear, hear!
299
00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:18,628
- Yeah!
- Hey, it's Teena Fazio.
300
00:13:18,729 --> 00:13:20,994
Wait.
You've seen "Disco Christmas"?
301
00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:22,192
Oh, it's ghastly.
302
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,269
I watch it every year.
303
00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:27,832
And we're very lucky
to have the star of the movie
304
00:13:27,939 --> 00:13:28,838
here with us tonight...
305
00:13:28,940 --> 00:13:30,033
Oh, thank you.
306
00:13:30,141 --> 00:13:31,541
Ernie Hudson.
307
00:13:34,445 --> 00:13:35,811
What are you doing here?
308
00:13:35,913 --> 00:13:37,211
Elka invited me.
309
00:13:37,315 --> 00:13:38,955
I'm proud of you
for being here, Victoria.
310
00:13:38,983 --> 00:13:42,579
You took my advice and finally
learned to laugh at yourself.
311
00:13:42,687 --> 00:13:46,818
And now who's ready
to laugh some more at Victoria?
312
00:13:47,758 --> 00:13:51,957
Say "Merry Christmas,
jive turkey."
313
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:57,801
Or perhaps instead
I could do a scene
314
00:13:57,902 --> 00:13:59,598
from
my Oscar-winning performance.
315
00:13:59,704 --> 00:14:02,037
Boo!
316
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,472
Oh, my God.
317
00:14:03,574 --> 00:14:06,169
You two should do
that cheesy scene at the end
318
00:14:06,277 --> 00:14:09,247
when Teena Fazio comes back
to you from ballet school.
319
00:14:09,347 --> 00:14:11,543
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
We could never recapture
320
00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:13,083
the magic of the original.
321
00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:15,153
Victoria has a point.
322
00:14:15,253 --> 00:14:18,417
That scene
is hard to do without...
323
00:14:18,523 --> 00:14:20,424
our disco caps!
324
00:14:22,393 --> 00:14:24,191
I kept them as a souvenir.
325
00:14:24,295 --> 00:14:26,025
What do you say, Victoria?
326
00:14:26,130 --> 00:14:30,659
I'd say I'd love to,
but, uh... but first, I, uh...
327
00:14:30,768 --> 00:14:33,294
Oh, I have to take the dog
for a walk.
328
00:14:33,404 --> 00:14:35,873
Oh, he had a walk.
He's fine.
329
00:14:35,973 --> 00:14:38,568
Oh, no. He's just putting on
a good face for the party.
330
00:14:38,676 --> 00:14:40,668
Inside, he's dying
of embarrassment
331
00:14:40,778 --> 00:14:43,748
for the things he did
as a puppy to make money.
332
00:14:45,116 --> 00:14:46,778
Hey.
Aren't you Teena Fazio?
333
00:14:46,884 --> 00:14:48,750
Oh, bite me.
334
00:14:51,055 --> 00:14:53,923
Oh, my God. It's the judges
from the holiday lights contest.
335
00:14:54,025 --> 00:14:55,084
Hi!
Hello!
336
00:14:55,193 --> 00:14:57,389
I'm guessing my husband
told you I was here.
337
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,930
Actually, we came
for Melanie Moretti.
338
00:15:00,031 --> 00:15:03,001
To tell her she lives
next door to the winner?
339
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,262
Did you not see my roof Santa?
340
00:15:05,369 --> 00:15:07,838
Yes, Sally, we saw it...
Three years in a row.
341
00:15:07,939 --> 00:15:09,669
But we've never seen a Santa
342
00:15:09,774 --> 00:15:12,403
with lifelike legs
kicking from the chimney.
343
00:15:14,145 --> 00:15:17,775
We have a new champion...
Melanie Moretti!
344
00:15:17,882 --> 00:15:19,111
I won?
345
00:15:19,217 --> 00:15:21,118
Melanie Moretti?
346
00:15:21,219 --> 00:15:23,085
Whoa!
347
00:15:27,792 --> 00:15:29,021
I won?
348
00:15:29,093 --> 00:15:31,358
I won!
I won!
349
00:15:31,429 --> 00:15:32,829
I won!
I won!
350
00:15:32,897 --> 00:15:34,832
I won!
351
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:38,099
Yeah!
352
00:15:42,089 --> 00:15:45,287
"To the neighborhood
tavern Victoria slunk,
353
00:15:45,392 --> 00:15:49,022
never doubting that
she would feel better if drunk."
354
00:15:49,129 --> 00:15:51,564
I'll have another one, please.
355
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,035
Look, I know
it's just a dumb movie,
356
00:15:55,135 --> 00:15:59,072
but I've never been good
at laughing at myself.
357
00:15:59,172 --> 00:16:01,607
It makes me feel small.
358
00:16:01,708 --> 00:16:03,404
There's just something degrading
359
00:16:03,510 --> 00:16:06,810
about having your nose
rubbed in the mess you made.
360
00:16:06,913 --> 00:16:09,781
Well... you've been there.
361
00:16:13,787 --> 00:16:15,278
Look at me.
362
00:16:15,389 --> 00:16:17,415
Ah, I'm drinking alone in a bar,
363
00:16:17,524 --> 00:16:19,686
talking to a dog
on Christmas Eve.
364
00:16:19,793 --> 00:16:22,194
Could it get any worse?
365
00:16:22,295 --> 00:16:24,093
Hey, turn up the TV.
366
00:16:24,197 --> 00:16:25,665
It's "Disco Christmas."
367
00:16:29,503 --> 00:16:31,870
Oh, God.
368
00:16:31,972 --> 00:16:33,702
On this night of all nights,
369
00:16:33,807 --> 00:16:37,471
could I please be rid of
this horrible Christmas curse?
370
00:16:37,577 --> 00:16:39,273
What's my secret, Sally?
371
00:16:39,379 --> 00:16:41,905
One word... attention to detail.
372
00:16:42,015 --> 00:16:43,015
That's three words.
373
00:16:43,116 --> 00:16:45,108
Loser says what?
374
00:16:45,218 --> 00:16:47,813
For example,
I used over 20,000 bulbs.
375
00:16:47,921 --> 00:16:52,120
But still, I noticed this
tiny little scamp misbehaving.
376
00:16:54,061 --> 00:16:55,654
And if you do this for me,
377
00:16:55,762 --> 00:17:00,462
I promise that I will never ask
for anything ever, ever again.
378
00:17:01,968 --> 00:17:03,903
Oh, my God.
379
00:17:04,004 --> 00:17:06,872
And two more Oscars
and eternal youth.
380
00:17:08,809 --> 00:17:11,472
"Victoria laughed,
for she hadn't a doubt
381
00:17:11,578 --> 00:17:15,037
that the party would end
when the power went out.
382
00:17:15,148 --> 00:17:19,210
On her skinny-ass legs,
she skipped home in a trice,
383
00:17:19,319 --> 00:17:22,881
believing that God chose
to take her advice.
384
00:17:22,989 --> 00:17:26,858
Then, from out of the house,
there arose shouts of glee."
385
00:17:28,061 --> 00:17:31,520
Why on earth would they laugh
when they don't have TV?
386
00:17:40,607 --> 00:17:45,011
"And out in the cold,
she felt kind of jerky."
387
00:17:45,112 --> 00:17:47,411
Maybe, just maybe...
388
00:17:47,514 --> 00:17:49,983
I've been the jive turkey.
389
00:17:53,453 --> 00:17:55,888
Now do the scene
from the end of the movie.
390
00:17:55,989 --> 00:17:57,355
I can't do it alone.
391
00:17:57,457 --> 00:17:59,057
Who wants to play Teena?
392
00:17:59,159 --> 00:18:02,323
Nobody plays Teena Fazio but me.
393
00:18:04,464 --> 00:18:06,365
Teena, you came back, girl.
394
00:18:06,466 --> 00:18:08,526
And I'm gonna marry you, Leroy,
395
00:18:08,635 --> 00:18:11,195
even though my parents say
you don't have enough money.
396
00:18:11,304 --> 00:18:12,602
Didn't I tell you?
397
00:18:12,706 --> 00:18:15,141
I just won the lottery.
398
00:18:15,242 --> 00:18:18,178
Looks like we can have
what we always dreamed of.
399
00:18:18,278 --> 00:18:23,080
A disco Christmas
and a funky New Year.
400
00:18:24,284 --> 00:18:25,513
That was great.
401
00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:27,247
We're so glad you came back.
402
00:18:27,354 --> 00:18:29,789
It wouldn't feel like
Christmas without you.
403
00:18:30,323 --> 00:18:31,916
- The power's back on.
- Oh.
404
00:18:32,025 --> 00:18:34,153
Victoria,
can we watch the movie?
405
00:18:34,261 --> 00:18:37,129
Yeah.
Let's all laugh at me.
406
00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:42,364
You know, it's Christmas morning
in England right now.
407
00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:45,064
I think your daughter
might like a call from you.
408
00:18:45,172 --> 00:18:48,904
I think your mother
might tolerate a call from you.
409
00:18:50,544 --> 00:18:52,240
Any plans for New Year's Eve?
410
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,974
Nothing you'd approve of.
411
00:18:55,081 --> 00:18:57,243
Care to join me?
412
00:18:57,350 --> 00:18:59,649
Sounds dreadful.
413
00:19:00,554 --> 00:19:03,080
I'll be there.
414
00:19:03,190 --> 00:19:06,024
Shut up, British people.
The movie's starting.
415
00:19:12,299 --> 00:19:14,791
I just got off the phone
with my mother.
416
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,733
We actually had a nice talk.
417
00:19:16,836 --> 00:19:18,566
I said I wanted
a mother-free Christmas,
418
00:19:18,672 --> 00:19:20,607
but turns out
I miss the old boot.
419
00:19:21,908 --> 00:19:24,503
And I wanted to be free
of "Disco Christmas,"
420
00:19:24,611 --> 00:19:26,944
but that's
because I never watched it.
421
00:19:27,047 --> 00:19:29,710
Turns out I'm wonderful in it.
422
00:19:29,816 --> 00:19:31,580
And I talked to my kids,
423
00:19:31,685 --> 00:19:33,711
and they miss me so much,
they're having
424
00:19:33,820 --> 00:19:35,798
a terrible Christmas with
their girlfriend and boyfriend.
425
00:19:35,822 --> 00:19:37,450
- Oh, you must be so happy.
- Oh!
426
00:19:37,557 --> 00:19:38,718
I am.
427
00:19:38,825 --> 00:19:41,090
Well, it's official.
428
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:42,492
Merry Christmas, everyone.
429
00:19:42,596 --> 00:19:45,794
Oh, our first
Cleveland Christmas together.
430
00:19:45,899 --> 00:19:48,630
There is no place
I would rather be.
431
00:19:50,203 --> 00:19:51,432
Sleigh bells.
432
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:52,836
Maybe it's Santa.
433
00:19:52,939 --> 00:19:55,067
No, that's my new timer.
434
00:19:55,175 --> 00:19:57,303
Still way off.
435
00:20:00,113 --> 00:20:01,911
Merry Christmas, Elka.
436
00:20:02,015 --> 00:20:06,749
Merry Christmas, ho-ho-hos.
437
00:20:13,126 --> 00:20:16,654
"So, the message I have
for each girl and boy is,
438
00:20:16,763 --> 00:20:19,164
God bless us, every one.
439
00:20:19,266 --> 00:20:21,326
All except Joy."
440
00:20:21,434 --> 00:20:22,458
Elka!
441
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,265
Ah, what the heck?
442
00:20:24,371 --> 00:20:25,669
Joy, too.
443
00:20:26,873 --> 00:20:30,674
Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year!
444
00:20:36,449 --> 00:20:38,782
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
445
00:20:38,852 --> 00:20:41,321
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
446
00:20:41,421 --> 00:20:45,950
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
447
00:20:46,059 --> 00:20:48,392
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
448
00:20:48,461 --> 00:20:50,726
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
449
00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:55,359
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
450
00:20:58,705 --> 00:21:00,298
♪ Hey! ♪
32055
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