All language subtitles for The.Experts.1989.KINO.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪ Take the heat, take it ♪

♪ Ah ♪
(upbeat pop music)

♪ Come on ♪

(upbeat pop music)

♪ You say that life makes you crazy ♪

♪ That nothing ever goes your way ♪

♪ You say you want, you say you need ♪

(electricity crackles)

♪ But you don't know how to play ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Come over here, get the message ♪

♪ Just take it one step at a time ♪

♪ Can you take the step ♪

♪ Nobody told you ♪

♪ Life was fair ♪

♪ if you can't take the heat ♪

♪ It's not the place to be ♪

♪ if you can't take the heat ♪

♪ Then you don't need to be with me ♪

♪ if you can't take the heat ♪

♪ Then what are ya doin' here ♪

♪ Oh, don't you get it ♪

♪ Get serious, stop pretendin' ♪

♪ You know it's time to face the truth ♪

♪ What you want, what you need ♪

♪ Is a change of attitude ♪

♪ You better change it, uh-huh ♪

♪ Let's turn it up ♪

♪ Feel the pressure ♪

♪ This time we're gonna
take it all the way ♪

♪ So no more playin' cool ♪

♪ Ya know ya ♪

♪ You can't stop, you can't stop ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, oh ♪

♪ if you can't take the heat ♪

♪ This is not the place to be ♪

♪ if you can't take the heat ♪

♪ Then you don't need to be with me ♪

♪ if you can't take the heat ♪

♪ Then what are ya doin' here ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, did you get it ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, did you get it ♪

♪ Take the heat, take it ♪

♪ When the temperature
gets too hot, don't stop ♪

♪ You gotta turn it up ♪

♪ Have you got the stuff
to be tough enough ♪

♪ You gotta live it up ♪

♪ Come on, live it ♪

♪ Up ♪

♪ if you can't take, take, take the heat ♪

(electricity crackles)

- Your resume is quite
extraordinary, Miss Grant.

- Thank you, Mr. Jones.

I know I can be an asset
to Vetrocon Aerospace.

- And since you were a UCLA cheerleader,

I guess you are quite a Trojans fan, huh?

- The Trojans are USC's team, Mr. Jones.

I'm a Bruins fan.

- Of course. I got it confused.

And I imagine that, uh,
with your good looks,

you were probably quite popular in school.

- Please, I prefer not
to be judged by my looks,

but by my skills.

I'm a Phi Beta Kappa in
electrical engineering.

- Very well, Miss Grant.

Your father, was he in
the engineering field?

- You could say that.

He was a car mechanic at Sears.

- Very good, Miss Grant. (chuckles)

Well, I have no further
questions. I think that now-

- [Mr. Smith] Excuse me. I'm sorry.

I have a couple of more
questions that I'd like to ask.

- [Jones] Well, this isn't part

of the interview process, Mr. Smith.

- I'm sure Miss Grant doesn't mind.

Do you?

- Of course not.

- Fine.

Now, then, Miss Grant,

I'm going on a business
trip to California,

and I was wondering if you could
recommend a good sushi bar.

- I have been so busy with my studies,

I haven't had time to go to bars.

And I don't drink.

- At sushi bars, you eat
raw fish, Miss Grant.

- Raw fish, Mr. Smith?

- Have you ever heard of heavy metal?

- Of course.

It's a catalyst for plutonium bombs.

- Not quite.

We're talking about rock
'n' roll here, Miss Grant.

You know, punk rock, new wave.

Tell me, have you ever been aerobicized?

Slam danced?

Do you listen to a ghetto blaster?

Have you watched MTV? Gimme five!

- I don't understand.
- Of course you don't!

- I hope you have a good
reason for this, Smith.

- Yes, because the FBI will ask more

and tougher questions than these.

(Miss Grant speaking Russian)

Miss Grant.

You have broken the first
principle of our training.

Always, always, speak English.

No matter what!

Play dumb if you have to,

but don't drop your cover, ever!

I hope you've been listening.

All of you have trained for years,

but one slip-up and it's all wasted.

- Thank you, Mr. Smith,

for your mysterious demonstration.

I'll take over from here.

Beyond the doors of this classroom,

there is an exact replica of
town in the United States.

It's perfect in every detail,

except it's in the heart
of the Soviet Union.

There are permanent residents here

who have lived as Americans
since this town was built.

See how they live. Study them.

You all have your living
assignment and job placements,

so go out and get moved in.

(group murmuring)

(soft gentle music)

- Yes, I know all about that.

I'm making a point about the town.

- All right, Comrade.

Smith, what do you suggest?

- I'm going to bring in
experts on American culture

and give this town the facelift it needs.

Take your glasnost back
to the streets of Moscow

where it's so popular.

I absolutely forbid it.

- Jones, I don't think you understand.

Comrade Smith is in charge now.

- Look, Jones, I've been to America.

America isn't like this anymore.

Where's your "MTV?"

Your punk rockers?

Your "Rolling Stone Magazine?"

Fuel-efficient cars?

- My job was to keep this place secret,

not dress it with the latest trends.

Besides, if you know so
much about modern America,

you teach them.

- Jones, you don't understand.

We're Russians.

We don't think like Americans.

We don't have the American attitude.

- Regardless, when these
agents complete their training,

I shall return and evaluate this town.

If it hasn't been updated
to my satisfaction,

my orders are E and D.

Evacuate and destroy.

Good luck, comrades.

- I've been doing this for a long time.

And unlike you, I know what I'm doing.

I would rather see this town destroyed

than turn it over to you.

- It would be better
if we worked together.

Oh, you don't need me.

Go out and find your experts.

(upbeat pop music)

- [Driver] You got a problem,
you gotta talk to me.

Don't be ashamed.

You know, this is New York.

People get in my cab, they,
you know, they open up.

They let me know what's goin' on.

♪ All damn day ♪

♪ Wait a minute, say what ♪

- [Driver] You know, I
took you to the China Club,

we went to the Red
Parrot and the Palladium.

I don't know.

- [Mr. Smith] Just shut up
and stop the cab, would ya?

♪ Stand up, stand up ♪

♪ Walk proudly and don't creep up ♪

♪ Walk tall with your head held high ♪

♪ Believe in yourself
till the day you die ♪

♪ Positive is how you should live ♪

♪ Be willin' to take
and not illin' to give ♪

♪ A bad attitude, so get gratitude ♪

♪ You ain't that bad, dude ♪

♪ Quit actin' rude ♪

♪ Yo, everyone should just get along ♪

♪ Havin' fun while they sing our songs ♪

- What are you lookin' for, pal?

- None of your business.

I'll know it when I see it.

- So, does this buy me a
table inside right now?

- Oh, I don't hear you so good.

- Yeah? Well, maybe this
will improve your hearing.

- Hmm. Nah, still a little fuzzy.

- Yeah? How about this?

- Loud and clear.

- You asked for it.

Best table in the house.

- What the hell is this shit?

Idiot!

- [Bouncer] Hey, calm down, big shot!

Don't be a tough guy!

Hey, settle down. Lighten up.

- [Wendell] Look, Travis,
theme night didn't stop

that other place from going belly-up.

- They should've done it more.

It's probably why it failed.

- Travis, I don't want to
waste my life as a dishwasher!

- Well you think I like
cleaning up puke all the time?

- That's exactly my point.

So I say we quit, find real jobs,

and give up this stupid idea
of opening a night club.

- You know what your problem is?

You're still P.O.'d that
I blew your dad's money

on the club.
- Hey, look. All right.

For the record, you
mentioned it, all right?

- Oh, fine.
- You brought it up.

No, not fine!

Not fine at all!

Look, Travis, is that how
you handle everything?

Fine?
- What's goin' on?

Denise?

Denise?

What the hell is goin'...

(sirens wailing)

We've been robbed.

- Well, look on the bright side, Travis.

None of the stuff in this
apartment was yours anyway.

- What's that?

- It's, uh, from Denise.
- Give it.

Come on. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

- You know what bothers me
more than her leaving me,

or taking the furniture, or anything?

Is the idea that she
wrote it on toilet paper.

I mean, that says something
that's not in the note.

- Well, look, Travis.

Denise was always a narcissistic,

manipulative, emotional terrorist.

- Back off, Wendell.

Look, I still love her.

I don't appreciate that kind of talk.

- Look, Travis.

Let me explain to you how it works.

You like her, I like her.

You don't, I don't, either, okay?

That's what friendship's all about.

You just tell me how you're feeling,

and I'll play along, okay?

- You're all right, Wendell.
- Okay.

- I'll tell you that right now.

- And you'll never meet
another girl like Denise.

She was everything a man
could want in a woman.

(Travis blows nose)

And now that she's available,

I was wondering if you could
give me her phone number,

'cause I've been sort of
attracted to her for a while.

(soft pop music)

I don't want to seem paranoid,

but this cab's been following us

since we left your apartment.

- Oh, yeah?
- [Wendell] Yeah.

- [Travis] Hey, come here! Come on!

Okay, pal, what's up?

- Hello, fellas.

My name is Bob Smith.

I'm opening a new club and
I'm very interested in you.

- For what?

- To manage my club.

- Eat me.

- Go.

- Daryl's trying to bust us.

I told him I wanted my own club.

He probably got this guy to put us on.

- You think Daryl's
bright enough to pull off

something this elaborate?

- Let's play with this guy.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, gee, a club sounds great!

Yeah know, you sound really sincere

about this and everything.

Could you tell us something about it?

- Look, I know that this is unorthodox,

and I understand you being skeptical,

but just hear me out.

- Shall we?

- I don't have anything better to do.

- Cool.

So, tell us.

(traffic humming)

- This is just the start-up money.

The salary will $1,000 a week.

- Each?
- Each.

- Okay.

- Room and board thrown in for free.

- What about wheels?

- Uh, well, you'll both be big wheels.

In fact, you'll run the place.

- No, a car. Transportation.

- Oh, wheels!
- Yeah.

- Oh, wheels. Yes, of course.

Yes, yes, you'll have wheels.

Now, the last thing is
simply that you need

to be ready to leave by plane before dawn.

- Wait a minute. Leave by?

This place isn't in New York?

- Look, come and try it for a week.

If you don't like it,

you can come right back to New York

and you can keep the start up money.

- Wait a second. Where is this club?

- The idea is to bring
New York-style clubs

to the Midwest.

So we wanna open the
first one in a small town.

Indian Springs, Nebraska.

- Cool.

- Fine. Thank you.

- Corporate jet, man.

This is how guys like
us oughta be treated.

- Yeah, I've never seen
this much caviar in my life.

Maybe this guy's legitimate.

- Did you bring the music?

- Yeah, it's all in my suitcase.

- [Travis] All right.

(stewardess speaking Russian)

(Mr. Smith speaking Russian)

- Hello, boys.

What do you think of the champagne?

- Hey, the dom outdid
himself on this batch, huh?

- To the future.
- Yeah.

(glasses clinking)

- To the future.

(dreamy mystical music)

- Ugh.
(food splattering)

(Mr. Smith speaking in Russian)

(soft gentle music)

- What are we doing in Wally
and the Beav's bedroom?

(Wendell thuds)

(Travis laughing)

- Weenie wear! (laughs)

- [Both] Shit.

- Oh, man.

(dog barking)
(birds chirping)

- [Wendell] Did we die, Travis?

Did our plane go down and
there were no survivors?

- We can't be dead. We just got up.

- Yeah, well, then where are we, huh,

Mr. Know-Everything-About-The-Afterlife?

Who put us in these clothes?

I didn't dress myself in these pajamas.

Somebody put me in them.

- Maybe it was a chick.

You probably got laid
and didn't even know it.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Eh, it was just the big zonk combo.

Altitude, alcohol.

Total brain shutdown.

Then we couldn't get up.

They limoed us to this house.

Then they bedded us down.

I remember this.

Paint by numbers.

- Yeah, well, look.

I'm gonna get dressed and get out of here.

This room's givin' me the creeps.

- What's shakin'?

- Ah!
(plate clatters)

- Well, Betty, it looks
like we're gonna need

some more breakfast.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, yes.

- Can I give you a hand with that?

- No, I'm fine.
- No, no, I'll help you.

- Nah, we don't need any breakfast.

A cup of bean juice is all we can handle.

- Coffee?

- Oh. (chuckles)

- Wendell and Travis,
this is my wife Betty.

- How you doing, Betty?

- And these are our two
children, Billy and Kathy.

- Don't worry, kids,

I'm only here to drain the blood

from your parents' bodies.

Then I'll be back on
my way to Transylvania.

(Mr. Smith laughs)

- Well, I'll bet you two are wondering

how you got here, hmm?

- Believe me, we figured it out.

- Look, what's the deal with this town?

- What do you mean?

- What makes you think it's
ready for a hot night club?

- Be nice.

- Oh, well, I think I know
what this town is ready for.

- Everyone works for Dad.

He's the president of Vetrocon Aerospace.

- Oh, yeah? Aerospace, huh?

That must mean you're into
that "Star Wars" thing.

- Yeah, is that what you're
looking for for this club?

A sort of futuro theme?

- Oh, well, that's entirely up to you two.

I'd say it's an open ball park.

- What's that?
- What?

This?

It's a Walkman.

You don't know what a Walkman is?

Hey, Mr. Smith, you
gotta get these kids out

to the big city once in awhile.

- That's very good.

Well, I'm on my way to work.

But I'll tell you what.

I'll meet you two at the courthouse,

say right after lunch?

Then I'll take you over
and show you the club.

- Where's the courthouse?

- You can't miss it.

It's right in front of the clock tower.

- Clock tower?
- Bye.

- Front of the courthouse.
- Bye-bye.

- Here, kid. Blast off.

(upbeat rock music)

Let's check out the town.
- [Wendell] Okay.

- Mrs. Smith?
- Uh, yes?

- Enjoy the kids.

They grow up awfully fast.

- Thanks.

Bye.
- Bye.

(singer humming)

- Well, thank you, John.

- Pleasure, Thelma.

What do we have here?

- I don't know.

♪ Just another little speck on the map ♪

♪ But folks who come from here ♪

♪ Know where it's at ♪

♪ A stop on the greyhound line ♪

♪ The stores are closin' ♪

♪ When the sun goes down ♪

♪ The horizon ends at the edge of town ♪

♪ And that suits us just fine ♪

♪ Oh, we like it that way ♪

♪ In hometown, USA ♪

♪ Ain't no big city thrills ♪

♪ And no city fear ♪

♪ You don't need it if
you can't get it here ♪

♪ Even if you leave us behind ♪

♪ Your heart will stay ♪

♪ In hometown, USA ♪

(upbeat pop music)

- Who's winning, guys?

- The checkers, I think.

(old-timers laughing)

- You fellas look like you
know what goes on around here.

What do you people do
for action in this town?

- Well, I'm gonna paint the
back porch this weekend.

- Oh, that's something to look forward to.

- Yeah, I gotta sand first though.

- Well, don't overdo it.
- [Wendell] No.

- You know where you can you
get a good burger around here?

- Yeah, Beef Burger Boy
is the best in town.

- Well, where is it?
- Okay.

Now, you go down this way.

Uh, you see that picket fence down there?

- Yeah.

- Well, you go down that picket fence.

Uh, oh, ignore the picket fence.

Put it out of your mind.
- All right.

- You go on beyond there, and you go, oh.

About a block.
- Okay.

- Maybe a block and a half.

And right there you turn right.

- No, no!

You turn left.
- [Old-timer] You turn right!

- You go straight ahead.

- Well, you go straight ahead, and, uh,

it's, uh, well, uh,

it's over in there.

Uh, you can't miss it.

- Ah, you can't miss it.

- You can't miss it.

- Thanks a lot, guys.

Okay. See you later.

- Should be easy to find.

- Yeah, straight, left, right, whatever.

- Americans!

Here in the most secret
KGB complex in the world!

- You're insane!
- Jones, would you relax?

They have no idea where they are.

- So what do you think, Wendell?

- I feel like I'm trapped
inside my television set

and the dial is stuck somewhere between

"Happy Days" and "The Twilight Zone."

- I know, I know.

It's the kind of place I
should have grown up in.

- Well, that's exactly my point.

30 years ago, you could
have grown up here,

but I just got off a plane from New York

where it's almost 1990.

Here it's the 1950s.
- So?

- So maybe this is what the
rest of America's really like,

and maybe the Heartland
isn't ready for a hot,

New York-style night club.

- Come on!

- Well, take a look at this place.

Where are the video stores?
- Ooh.

- How come nobody's jogging?

- Well, what about our trainees?

What are they gonna think?

- Our trainees will simply
think they're a couple

of special agents sent here to test them.

Look, I'm only gonna keep
them here until graduation,

and then I'm gonna send them
back exactly the same way

that I brought them in.

I don't know whether you've noticed,

but they're not particularly bright.

They'll have no idea where they've been.

- What if they do find out?

- Then they will be terminated.

Good day, Colonel.

(soft dramatic music)

- We should report this to Moscow.

- No.

Let's give him enough
rope to hang himself.

(soft dramatic music)

- Think this is it?

- Subtle.

- Closed?

(hand thumping)

- Sorry, closed.

- For lunch?

- Lunch break.

- You don't serve lunch?

- No, no. We're closed.

We open at 3:00.
- Well, that's lame.

- Well, sorry.

- What are you gonna eat?

Hey, can we have some?
(Travis laughs)

We're starving!

- Forget it.

- What's that?
- What?

- In your hand.
- What, this?

It's nothing.
- I saw it.

- It's nothin'.

It's a pack of sugar.
It's a pack of sugar.

- Well, let me have it.

- We'll share.

Mmm.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Let's get a cup of coffee.
- Yeah.

(both laughing)

(upbeat pop music)

- Well, fellas.

This is it.

It's been closed for some time now,

but with a little spit and polish.

- It's good, it's good.

We check out the competition,

and then we see the real club, right?

- Of course, there is
money for remodeling.

- Have any money for a live fish?

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is this the real club?

- Yes, it is.

- I love it.

(hands clapping)

You know what it is?

It's, it's, okay.

It's Hawaii and it's "The Jetsons."

Oh, look, look, look.

Here's "The Jetsons" and there's Hawaii.

You know, I think Smitty's right.

With some spit and polish,

I really do think we could fix it up.

(Travis laughs)

Look, look at this old thing, Wendell.

Oh, god.

"Tie a Yellow Ribbon"?

I haven't heard that in years.

God.

(upbeat music plays)
- Now, now, fellas, look.

I know this may not be what you expected,

but you can change the music.

You can change the decor.

You can remodel however you like.

- Oh, we can?

Oh, Mr. Smith, thank you. That's terrific.

Hey, I know.

How about we get a nice,
big outrigger in here, huh?

And, uh, and we'll get about 50 savages.

That will be nice, huh?

And we can have a pig roast on the beach!

Travis!

- Wendell, look! Moonwalking!

(music stops)

What? What?

- I'm out of here.

- I should have never
let you eat that sugar.

Now, look, Mr. Smith.

I'll take care of this, okay?

Just don't worry about him, and us,

and I'll see ya tonight at dinner, okay?

- All right.

Oh, Travis.

I almost forgot.

Our deal as I remember was
1,000 a week for yourself?

- 1,000 big ones for me.

- [Mr. Smith] And 1,000 for Wendell.

- And 1,000 for Wendell.

2,000 big ones.

Aw, come on, buddy.

We could fix this place up.

We'll get a new sound system,

you can redesign the place.

- Travis, look!

There's a lot of stuff we could do,

but nobody is gonna come!

Look, this Smith guy's
obviously out of his mind.

Let's just consider this a day trip

to the other side of
the world and go home.

- Wendell, we're staying.

- Look, you wanna stay-
- Yes!

- Fine! I'm going back to New York.

- Oh, go back to New York.

Go ahead, yeah, to that little room

over your father's garage.

- Hey, Travis. Go to hell!

- Oh, screw you!

- Hey, drop dead!
- Fine!

- Fine!

(soft synth music)

- [Operator] Operator. May I help you?

- Operator, collect call to New York.

- [Operator] New York?

- New York City.

- [Operator] Number please.

- 212-555-4736.

- He's trying to place a call to New York.

- Route it through one of our satellites.

- [Mother] Oh, yes. Of course
I'll accept the charges.

- Mom, it's me.

How you doin'?
(voice speaking in Russian)

Darling, I'm fine!

What's that funny foreign
language I hear on the line?

- I don't hear anything.

Mom, look, I've decided to come back,

but I'm a little short on cash.

- [Father] What happened, Wendell?

You screwed up again? Is that why?

You'd better find a job, a real job!

- Hey, look, I didn't call you, right?

- [Father] Take that goddamn
earring out of your ear!

- Oh!
(books clattering)

Why don't you watch where you're going?

- Why don't you lighten up?

You walked into me.

(dial ticking)

(gentle piano music)

♪ Why do birds ♪

♪ Suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time ♪

♪ You are near ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

- You're back.
- Yes, I am back.

♪ Why do stars fall down from the sky ♪

♪ Every time you walk by ♪

- You wanna know what happened?

- What happened?

- My best friend.
- [Wendell] Yeah?

- He deserted me.
- What?

- Went back to New York.

- That's so brutal.
- I know.

Do you wanna know what else happened?

- No.
- No?

- What's that?

- Lunch.

- What is it?

- This?

It's pigs' feet.

Mmm.

- Mmm.

Are you gonna have one yourself?

They look tasty, don't they?

- Mmm.

- Bon appetit.

- Ugh!

Ugh!
(Travis laughs)

Travis.

Travis, listen.

I took a little walk.

I took another look around this town.

It's not all bad.

I think I'm gonna stay.

- You're gonna stay?
- Yeah.

- All right. Deal's on.

There you go.

A thousand big ones.

Why?

- Well.

I believe in this, Travis,
and I believe in us.

And I met a girl.

- You met a girl?
- Yeah, I did.

- Yeah?

- She's a hathead, but she's real cute.

- See? Stick with me.

Wendell.
- Yeah?

- I am really sorry about
blowing your dad's money

on that bar.

- Oh, forget about it.
- I'm serious.

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

- You better.

Travis, we're gonna
transform this nightmare.

- Wendell, this could be the biggest,

baddest club opening you've ever seen.

Mick Jagger, he gonna be there.

- That's right.
- Yeah, and David Lee Roth.

- He gonna be there!
- And Princess Stephanie.

- [Both] She gonna be there.

- And Andy Warhol. Oh.

- [Both] He ain't gonna be there.

- Oh, I found this one great song.

Remember this?

(jet roars)
(bright upbeat music)

♪ Flew in from Miami Beach BOAC ♪

♪ Didn't get to bed last night ♪

♪ On my way, the paper
bag was on my knee ♪

♪ Man, I had a dreadful flight ♪

♪ I'm back in the USSR ♪

♪ You don't know how lucky you are, boys ♪

♪ Back in the USSR ♪

♪ Been away so long I
hardly knew the place ♪

♪ Gee, it's good to be back home ♪

♪ Leave it till tomorrow
to unpack my case ♪

♪ Honey, disconnect the phone ♪

♪ I'm back in the USSR ♪

♪ You don't know how lucky you are, boys ♪

♪ Back in the US ♪

♪ Back in the US ♪

♪ Back in the USSR ♪

♪ The Ukraine girls really knock me out ♪

♪ And leave the west behind ♪

♪ And Moscow girls make
me sing and shout ♪

♪ But Georgia's always on
my mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mind ♪

♪ Yeah-ay-ah ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Woo ♪

(bright upbeat music)

♪ Woo-oo ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm back in the USSR ♪

♪ You don't know how lucky you are, boys ♪

♪ Back in the USSR ♪

- [Wendell] See if we can
make everybody's time work.

So thanks for coming by and
we'll talk to you later.

Next.

- Excuse me.

I believe I was next.

Hi.

Hear you guys were looking for people,

and I'd really like you to hire me.

- I like your outfit.

- Yeah, I put that together myself.

- No?

Get out of town.

- [Both] Next.

- Whoa, hold it.

I don't think you guys get it.

- I really wanna work here.

- But you're a reverend, Reverend.

(Travis laughs)

Now, why in heaven's name
would you want to work

in a place like this?

Because, brothers,

sinners are everywhere.

- Oh.

- Well, that's basically
what we were counting on.

Next!

- Hold it. Wait a minute.

I was here first, and
I demand consideration!

- Look, first of all,
you were not here first.

And second, we did consider you,

and we considered you
to be too intense, okay?

Next.
- Oh.

Oh, I'm too intense.

(metal clattering)

- Thank you for dropping by.
(Travis laughs)

No wonder why so many
are leaving the church.

- A brother. All right.

- I'm here to apply for
the bartending position.

- Blood!

- AB positive.

- Nathan Cole.

- Your middle name wouldn't be
King by any chance, would it?

- Oh, I get it.

That's a reference to Nat King Cole.

"Mona Lisa," "Twelfth of Never,"

"Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days of Summer."

I'm not him.

- Well, do you have experience bartending?

- Well, no, but I do have
a degree in chemistry,

so I'm pretty familiar
with mixing things up.

- Well, Travis?

- You're hired.

- You guys aren't hiring me
just because I'm Black, are you?

- Yes.

- Great.

- Okay, Gil, look.

If you work for us,

it's gonna be a little
different than your other job.

First of all, we're gonna
want you to actually

be helpful and serve people.

- Why do you want this job?

You already got one.

- Well, I, uh, see,
I've been the grill man

at Beef Burger Boy for 12 years,

and I'm kind of in a career slump.

See, I'm looking for something I,

a little more my interests.

- Are you drunk right now?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Drunk? Yeah, a little.

You see, it's my birthday again,

and a couple of the guys
decided to take me out

for a couple of beers.
- He's honest.

- [Gil] Just a few.
- He is.

- [Gil] As a rule I don't
usually drink that much.

- I don't wanna see anymore people.

- I know, I'm tired, too.

- [Gil] I have a very high
tolerance for alcohol.

- Okay, Gil. You got it.

- Notoriously beer-orientated.

- You got the job!

- Really?
- Yes!

- That's great! That's really!

Thank you!

Thank you very much, God.

- I don't know about these chairs.

They're really uncomfortable.

- So they were a mistake. I'm sorry.

- It's like sitting on a three-legged dog.

- Yeah, well, look, people
are gonna be dancing.

They're not gonna be sitting, all right?

- [Mr. Smith] Hello, boys.
- [Wendell] Hey, Smitty.

- How are we doing?
- Good.

- [Wendell] All right.

- So tell me, is there anything you need?

Is there anything that I can do for you?

Yeah, why don't you go see if you can find

a 2x4 and bat some of these people into

the latter half of the 20th century.

- He's right, man. It's really depressing.

They don't know what a VCR is

or a compact discs, or even a music video.

- Yeah, you know, most of these people

are so hopelessly out of date

that it's downright un-American.

- Tell me something.

If we had these things, would that help?

- Smitty, the key to modern
America is Japanese products.

- I think it would help. Honestly, Smitty.

I think we should bring some
of that stuff into this town

and expand from the club.

We could open various shops
with different Japanese-

- I'll think about it, Travis.

But for right now, let's
just concentrate on the club.

Shall we?

So long, fellas.

(soft dramatic music)

(operatives speaking in Russian)

- Have a seat, Miss Grant.

I have a special assignment for you

that will be your chance
to remain in this program.

- I will do whatever is necessary.

- Good.

- [Travis] Hi.

- I'm looking for Travis and Wendell.

- [Travis] Uh-huh. Well, that's us.

- Oh, well, I'm Thelma Lewis,

but you can call me Aunt Thelma.

Just about everybody in town does.

I hope you will, too.

Well, some of us ladies did some baking

to help get your business
off to a good start.

- [Travis] Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- [Travis] That's nice.

- Thank you.
- It's a lot of food.

- This is just the first batch.

We got lots more.

(Wendell chuckles)

Well, good luck with your opening.

The place looks nice.

Let's go, ladies.

Bye.

(ladies murmuring)

- Pies?

Who eats pie in a nightclub?

- [Old-timer] Oh, this pie's really good.

- [Resident] it sure
beats Polynesian food.

(upbeat pop music)

- Travis, putting all this food out here

was a terrible idea.

- Well, what was I gonna do?

Tell them to go stuff
their cakes and pies?

- Well, nobody's dancing.

This place is a bust.

- We are open two minutes, and
already this place is a bust?

- Yeah, look, I'm not gonna be a Pollyanna

and say I'm happy this thing has turned

into a church social.
- You are so negative.

- Well, what do you expect me to do?

- Sheriff, sheriff.

I'm getting the kids out.

Mrs. Smith.
- Hi.

- I'm sorry, the kids gotta go.

- Why?

- Well, they just have to go.

The sheriff's here and
we don't serve minors.

- Oh, okay.

Okay, kids. Let's go.

- Oh, nonsense. They don't have to leave.

Sheriff, you don't mind if
the kids stay, now do you?

- Well, not so long as
they save some pie for me.

(crowd laughs)

- Okay, then maybe it's a music problem.

Why don't you go put on some
music they can dance to.

(upbeat dance music)

(Travis claps hands)

Come on, everybody.

Yeow!

Come on! Let's dance! Come on!

(upbeat dance music)

Come on! Let's go!

♪ Just get up, everybody ♪

- Come on.

Get up. Come on!

♪ You don't have to know
the name of the song ♪

♪ Just get up ♪

♪ Move your body ♪

♪ Party down ♪

♪ Move around ♪

♪ Circulate ♪

♪ Imitate your partner, feel the beat ♪

♪ Can't defeat the groove ♪

♪ Party down ♪

♪ You gotta take it closer to the heart ♪

♪ You'd like to meet ♪

♪ Make your body move ♪

♪ You can do it, you can dance ♪

♪ You can do it, I know you can ♪

♪ You can do it, here's your chance ♪

♪ You can do it ♪

♪ You don't have to know
the name of the song ♪

♪ Just get up, everybody ♪

♪ Party down ♪

♪ You don't have to know
the name of the song ♪

- Okay, that'll be-
- Nathan.

It's on the house.

- I'd rather pay for it myself, thank you.

- No, no, I insist.

- So do I.

- Please.

- No.

- Look, it's my club.

It's opening night.

If you don't let me buy you
a drink, you'll insult me.

I said I didn't want you to.

♪ When we do it right ♪

♪ On the floor ♪

♪ Shake them off ♪

♪ Everybody dancin' in the light ♪

♪ It's a party night ♪

♪ You can do it, you can dance ♪

♪ You can do it, I know you can ♪

♪ You can do it, here's your chance ♪

♪ You can do it ♪

♪ You don't have to know
the name of the song ♪

♪ Just get up, everybody ♪

♪ Party down ♪

♪ You don't have to know
the name of the song ♪

♪ Just get up, everybody ♪

- Is this a joke?

Does anybody here know how to dance?

- [Bonnie] I know how to dance.

(upbeat dance music)

(fingers snapping)

(upbeat dance music)

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean, lean, lean, lean, lean ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Early in the mornin', babe ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Or you can call me at night ♪

♪ Call me in the evening time ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Whoa-o, early in the mornin', babe ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You, you, you, you ♪

♪ Can lean on me, babe ♪

♪ You can lean on me, babe ♪

♪ You can lean on me, babe ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ Yeah, you can lean on me, baby ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Go south ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ First thing in the mornin' ♪

♪ At night ♪

♪ In the evening, baby ♪

♪ Just about any time of day now ♪

♪ I'll be waiting by my phone ♪

♪ Call me up ♪

♪ But call me up in the mornin' ♪

♪ Ohh-oh, call me up ♪

♪ Call me back in my apartment ♪

♪ I'll tell you that I love you ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me
early in the mornin' ♪

♪ I don't believe that
you heard me, babe ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, homeboy ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ You can lean on me ♪

♪ Just like that ♪

- What's your name?

- Bonnie. And yours?

- I forgot.

(upbeat dance music)

It was nice meeting you.

Wend, uh, Wendell, put on that, uh,

put on the house music.

(football thuds)

No, no, no. Billy, Billy.

You don't catch the ball with your face.

You catch it with your hands.

- Look, Billy, you ever
seen a football game on TV?

- Um, I think so.

- It's no wonder his parents don't dance.

- Can I talk to you two for a moment?

You guys go practice for a while, okay?

I was thinking about what you were saying

about the goods.

I think maybe we should bring some in.

Can you two make me a list?

- Ah, gee. A list.

I don't know, I don't know.

- [Sparks] Give me the ball.
- Wendell?

- How about we have one
for you tomorrow night?

- Perfect.

- Oh, Smitty!

Your boy is quite an athlete.

- Yes, he is.
- [Neighbor] Get the ball!

Wait!

- Hey, did you see where those kids went?

- No.

- Well, can we have the ball?

(ball thuds)

(both chuckle)

(horn honks)

- Bonnie!

All right!

Yeah.

You're so tastefully underdressed.

- I've been looking for you.

I was hoping we could
spend some time together.

- Really?

You wanna play football?

- Give me five.
- All right.

Now, shirts and skins.

You be skins 'cause you've
got less to take off.

All right?

Now look, you know there's
tackling involved, all right?

Then there's an exchange of body parts.

I'll make all the passes.

You be the wide receiver.

- Oh, I hope I'm good.
- Trust me.

- Picked you some flowers.

- Really?

Aren't the guys usually supposed
to do that kind of thing?

(bright upbeat music)

♪ Sherry ♪

♪ Sherry baby ♪

♪ Sherry ♪

♪ Sherry baby ♪

♪ Sherry ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Sherry baby ♪

♪ Sherry ♪

♪ Can you come out tonight ♪

♪ Come, come ♪

♪ Come out tonight ♪

♪ Sherry ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Sherry baby ♪

♪ Sherry ♪

♪ Can you come out tonight ♪

♪ Come, come ♪

♪ Come out tonight ♪

- Oh.

(lighthearted music)

(Yuri speaking Russian)

- Bob Smith.

We speak English here, Captain.

- How do you do, Bob Smith?

What is this place?

- This is your new home.

- Ha-ha. My home?

- You flew into restricted air space.

- I did what I was ordered to do.

I bring in cases of medical products.

Look, I don't want to
hear about this no more.

I get on my plane and I get out of here.

(fingers snapping)

- I'm afraid it's too
late for that, Captain.

You flew in, but you can't fly out.

- Was it because I stole?

- Sorry?

- Here. Take these back.

Please.

- What's this?

- Why, condoms, of course.

Ribbed.

The girls, they, they
think I'm quite a guy.

- Fine.

Take him away.

- Bob, I did nothing wrong.

I just did what I was ordered to do.

I bring you these things.

No, no, no! Don't!

(condoms clattering)

Those boxes go in that truck!

- So in a way, I guess,

Travis looks on me as kind of a guru.

- [Employee] Closing time.

- Yeah. We're out of here.

This has been the greatest
little coffee klatch of my life.

(soft gentle music)

I like you.

And, um, I was wondering
if you wanted to...

Um, well, you know,

if you don't want to, it's...

(soft gentle music)

- How about tomorrow night?

- How about for the rest of my life?

- [Character] H-hey, throw it over here!

- [Character] Oh, boy, you missed me.

Ha ha ha ha!

- [Character] I'll get you! Ha ha ha ha!

- Good morning, Travis.
- Hey.

How you doing?
- Good.

What's the deal with the TV here?

How come you only get one station?

You either get old movies or cartoons.

No commercials.

Don't you have any networks?

- Actually, no, we don't.

But I've got some good news for you.

The goods are here.
- Great.

- Yes, they should be
in town sometime today.

Betty?

Where's my wife?

She's supposed to make me breakfast.

- You know, Smitty, let me
talk to you about your wife.

When was the last time you really had

a decent conversation with her?

I mean, one where she
could express herself?

- Excuse me?

- You see, I think women like change,

especially married women.

If you don't watch it,

sooner or later they start
to watch Oprah Winfrey,

and, pshew, they leave
home, out on an adventure,

all by themselves, without you.

Trust me.

I've been there.

- I'm really not sure I follow you.

- I guess it's this
born-to-be-wild syndrome.

I mean, that's maybe what
I'm really trying to say.

Every woman has a part of
her that's born to be wild.

- [Mr. Smith] Hmm.

- [Wendell] Ta-da! Miss Betty Smith.

- You like it?

- You look fantastic.

- (giggles) Well, I do feel different.

- See? It's that born-to-be-wild
deal I was talkin' about.

- Do you like my hair?

- I, I just.
(Betty giggles)

- [Betty] You do?

Mmm.

- I left something at the library.

I think we should go get it.

Come on, Travis.

Don't be a peeping tom.

- I like to watch.
- Come on.

(Betty giggles)

- [Betty] Mmm.

(upbeat pop music)

Unified remote, one
year, four-event timer,

random access tuning?

Cool.

- God, I've always wanted one of these.

- Now I don't need you anymore.

I can play this myself.

- Well, go ahead and play with yourself.

Who cares?

- What's this for?

- Well, it's a massage.

- [Resident] It's a popcorn popper!

- I want this and that.

- Honey, don't be greedy, don't be greedy.

I, I want this.

(townspeople clamoring)

- Smitty!

Hey, Smitty!

You're not givin' this away, are ya?

- Yeah.

Travis! Travis!

It's a promotion, Travis.

We're doing this to promote the club.

It's what you wanted to do.

- Let me give you a little
lesson on promotion, okay?

You sell a $600 VCR.

You give away a $5.00 nightclub ticket.

You dig? You dig!

All right. Look.

Let's talk about this
entrepreneur thing, okay?

What happens here...

(soft dramatic music)
(truck rumbling)

- I thought the whole purpose of this town

was to defeat the materialistic,
capitalist lifestyle

that Smith's experts are
now infecting the town with.

- So what's your point?

- Well, no point. Just an observation.

- Keep your observations to yourself.

(truck rumbling)

(residents laughing)
(bright upbeat music)

♪ Once I see what I want ♪

♪ I can't wait for invitations ♪

♪ if you run, that's half the fun ♪

♪ I trace your footsteps one by one ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to get ♪

♪ What's hard to get ♪

♪ I like the ones ♪

♪ That don't know love ♪

- Travis, you know something?
- What?

- It's working.

- Hmm, Mr. Negative took a holiday.

I know it's working.

Look at my girlfriend. She is so hot.

- Oh, what? Mine's not?

(Travis laughs)

♪ The farther you run away ♪

♪ The more I want you ♪

♪ I want you here with me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Hey, Nathan.

You dance good.

- You mean dance well.

- Well, pretty good.

(bright upbeat music)

Try this.

- Where did you learn that?

- I was a regular on "Soul Train."

Get it?

"Soul Train."

I thought it was funny.

♪ I like to dance ♪

(Bonnie laughing)

That club was popping tonight, wasn't it?

Ooh.
- Mmm.

You were so great the way
you danced with me tonight.

- Really?

I guess I was, wasn't I?

What are you doing?

- You know what I'm doing.

- Oh, that.

Ooh.

(upbeat seductive music)

You like to take control, don't you?

Ooh!

Ooh.

(upbeat seductive music)

Is this girl terrific or what?

(tires screeching)

- [Wendell] Nice driving, Travis.

- Yeah, buddies.

- So what's the big celebration?

Did Sparks die?

- It's the 4th of July.

- We have speeches by town leaders,

and then we have our annual picnic,

and then we have our annual concert,

and then we have the
annual fireworks display.

- Concert, huh? What kind of concert?

- Marching band.

They're not bad if they're sittin' down.

- Well, that's fun. That's a blast.

We could have them play "76 Trombones,"

and then we could do a twist.
- Yeah.

- No, no, they'll be
playing John Philips Sousa.

For the twist, you need Chubby Checker.

- Yeah, Nathan, look.

Is there a lake or
someplace where we might

actually have a good time?

- We have a lake. It's off-limits.

- Private property?

Forget it, we'll crash it.

Come on.

(soft gentle music)

(horns honking)
(upbeat pop music)

- Hey, Gil, come on.

Hey!

(Nathan speaks indistinctly)

- [Gil] Hey, everybody!

You have to park!

- [Nathan] Party!

(Nathan shouting indistinctly)

(brakes squealing)
(upbeat pop music)

♪ The day is over ♪

♪ Your work is through ♪

- [Old-Timer] No, no, dear. No, no.

♪ Wondering what you're gonna do ♪

♪ Do the couch potato and watch MTV ♪

♪ Get your rest, count some z's ♪

♪ Tell me, what's it gonna be ♪

♪ When your tinglin' toes ♪

♪ Tell you what you want to know ♪

- Hey! Hey!
- Woo!

- [Travis] Guys.

♪ 'Cause it happens every time ♪

♪ That feeling races up your spine ♪

♪ You have made up your mind ♪

- All right?
♪ To party big time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Party big time ♪

♪ Before you step out into the night ♪

♪ Ah, you gotta be sure
that you're doin' it right ♪

- Ow!
(gawkers laughing)

♪ Party big time, there's just one trick ♪

♪ You gotta look hot, yeah ♪

♪ You gotta be slick ♪

♪ Grab your darkest shades
and your favorite hat ♪

♪ 'Cause you know what it means ♪

♪ To party big time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Party big time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Party big time ♪

♪ Yeah, big time ♪

♪ Say it again, come on now ♪

♪ Big time ♪

♪ Everybody party big time ♪

- You told 'em not to go to the lake,

they went to the lake.

They broke the town's perimeter.

They've been out there for over six hours.

Now they're partying,
they're having a great time,

and they're making fun of us.

Now when are we gonna
do something about this?

- Tonight.

- [Sparks] What are we
gonna do about them?

- Get rid of them.
- Tonight?

Okay, okay, I'll handle it.

(fireworks exploding)
(soft mystical music)

Oh, they like fireworks?

We'll show 'em fireworks.

(fireworks exploding)
(soft mystical music)

All right, give me the bomb.

The bomb.

It's a bunch of dynamite taped together.

A clock on it, a lot of wires.

Anybody got anything like that on 'em?

- Oh.

- Oh.

Want it done right-
(fireworks popping)

Ah! Ah!

(Sparks thuds)
Ow!

Oh, the bomb, the bomb.

Oh, it's okay.

Oh, ow!

Ow! Right on the temple.

Oh, ah.

- Travis, Wendell, we're out of beer.

Want me to run to the club?

- No, no, no, I'll go, I'll go.

You just take over.

- Yeah, I'll go with ya.

- What do you do?

- [Wendell] Look, you're
doing fine. That's great.

- [Travis] Come on, Wendell.

- Hey, this is fun.

- [Partygoer] Whoa!

- [Partygoer] Watch this!
- This is great!

- Ah, you know, it's great, though.

They're having a good time.

I think we're doing a good thing.

- Yeah, me too, me too.

I'm having a good time,

but why does it take them
so long to learn something?

- I know. It's weird, isn't it?

- Oh, God, I've never spent so much time

at a party teaching someone

how to throw a Frisbee.
- They're so slow!

I don't know anyone who
pees as much as you do.

You're like a little kid.

Stop the car, stop the car.

I gotta go, I gotta go.

- Travis, get off my case.

You're peeing, too, all right?

- I'm only 'cause you're peeing.

(explosion booms)
(Travis and Wendell scream)

- [Sparks] There's your 4th
of July barbecue. (laughs)

- [Wendell] Holy shit.
- [Travis] What happened?

- [Wendell] It blew up.
- Why?

- I don't know.

- Well, now what do we do?

- I guess we walk.

- [Travis] Wendell, we
can walk the same way.

- Okay.

- Come on.

You and your astrology.

We've been lost for two hours.

- Travis, look.

First of all, it's not
astrology, all right?

It's, never mind.

I don't understand this.

The town is north of here, and
I'm following the north star.

At least, I thought it was the north star.

(people speaking in Russian)

- Shh, shh.
- What?

- It's a car.

(resident speaking in Russian)

- Doesn't that strike you as odd?

She's speaking in Russian.

- That ain't Russian.

- Same thing Bonnie did
when I popped her hood.

Some sort of kinky Nebraska thing.

- Popped her hood?
- Yeah.

- Look, there's a fence.
There must be a farm nearby.

- Which means there's a phone.

Come on.
- Yeah.

(soldiers speaking Russian)
(soft suspenseful music)

- What is this place?

- Travis, look at those
signs. They're in Russian.

Those are Russian Army uniforms.

- It's probably the Salvation Army, yeah.

- Travis, does that look like English?

Do those look like
Salvation Army uniforms?

- [Travis] Well, look.

They're putting an English sign on now.

- [Wendell] That's even
worse. Don't you get it?

(soldiers speaking Russian)

(intense dramatic music)

(soldiers speaking Russian)

- Oh, Smith.
- God.

(soldiers speaking Russians)

We got Russians in Nebraska,
and Smitty's one of them.

Dammit! He duped us.

Dammit!
(crate clattering)

(dogs barking)

Let's get back!

(upbeat pop music)

What are you doin'?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm sitting down. I'm tired.

I'm taking a little rest.

- Is this a joke?

- No, it's not a joke.

- It's not funny, Wendell.

There's Russians in Indian Springs.

We gotta tell people!

- Travis, we can't tell anybody.

- What are you talkin' about?

- 'Cause we've got
Indian Springs in Russia.

- What?

- Think about it for a second.

- None of these people know
anything about modern America.

There's no network television.

They didn't know how to use a
Frisbee until you showed 'em.

I can't believe that you got
us sent to the Soviet Union,

you stupid shit!

- Don't call me a stupid shit.

- Travis, who else is
gonna give two idiots

like us a night club to open?

- Oh, now I'm an idiot
who opened a night club.

- Travis, this is no
time to get sensitive!

We're stuck behind the Iron
Curtain, you mindless pinhead!

- Wait. Oh-ho! Wait a minute.

What did you call me?

- I don't know what I called you, Travis.

- No, what did you call me?

- Travis, it doesn't matter
what I called you, okay?

We're in a lot of trouble-

- Pinhead! You called me a pinhead!

- Bingo, pinhead.

- You fuck, I can't believe
I let you ruin my life!

- [Travis] Oh, yeah?

- I let you ruin my life again!

- Are ya gonna bring up
your daddy and his money?

Go ahead. Bring him up.
- You brought it up!

We're gonna make a bet, okay?

- You can't even fight.

- You fight like a girl!

- Let me lead. (laughs)

Oh, man.

Why are we laughing right now?

- Because we're trying to kill each other

and we probably won't get
out of this alive anyway.

- That's not funny.
- No shit.

That's why from now on I'm taking charge.

- Oh.

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You're taking charge?
- You bet.

- Oh, okay, Mr. In-charge,
what do we do now?

Huh?

- Well, um.

Go to town?

- Okay.

All right, come on.

All right, this is the plan.

We're gonna go to Bonnie's
and she's gonna get us a car.

- Why don't we just get a limo?

- Cool idea.

- Travis, what we need is a map.

- But she knows the way.

- Bonnie's one of them.

What makes you think she's
not gonna turn us in?

- Because what we had was real, all right?

- Look, Mr. Bond, I don't
wanna insult your masculinity.

(car drives by)

Look, I don't want to insult
your sense of manhood,

but maybe she was faking it.

- No way.

- Okay, look. You go see Bonnie.

I'm gonna get Jill.

- Well, what makes you
think you can trust Jill?

- [Wendell] Shh!

- What makes you think you can trust Jill?

- Because, Travis, there's
a look a woman gives a man

when she really loves him.

- [Travis] Did she give that look to you?

- Yeah. As a matter of fact, she did.

- Well, let me see it.
- What are you talking about?

- Well, come on.

Let me see the look she gave you.

- I'm not gonna do it for you.

- Come on. Come on.
- [Wendell] No, Travis.

- No, was it like this? Was it like this?

- Cut it out, Travis. Look, look.

I'll meet you back here in 15 minutes.

- All right.

- Or I'll see you in prison in Siberia.

- Yeah, right.

Oh, Bonnie.

Oh, you're not gonna believe this.

You are not gonna believe this.

Are you sittin' down?

Oh, of course you are.

Look, all right, I don't
know how to tell you this,

but we ain't in Nebraska.

We're in Russia.

Mr. Smith completely conned us all.

This is a whole fake.
This whole town is fake.

We gotta find our way
back to the United States.

And we don't have much time, either.

Get yourself ready. Come on.

Come on!

Oh, man.

Wendell and I went to,
we saw this big camp

with all these Russian sold...

Okay, okay, we could shoot
our way out, but I don't-

- I'm required to terminate you.

- Bonnie, Bonnie, look.

There's no time for sex games.

I mean, the gun, it's an
exciting touch and everything,

but really, I don't
think there's the time.

- I'm a KGB operative.

I was assigned to be your girlfriend.

I am now assigned to blow your brains out.

- No shit?

- No shit.

(gun firing)

That was the surveillance camera.

We were constantly monitored.

- Even when we?
- Yes.

- Can we get the tapes?

- No, run!

I will shoot and miss,

but if I see you again, I
will have to shoot to kill.

- Deal.

Wait a minute.

You love me.

Look, I may have been an
assignment, but you love me.

Don't you?

- Yes, I do love you.

(soft gentle music)

- You mean you really are an American?

- Uh-huh.

I can't believe Jill turned us in.

I really thought we had something.

- [Travis] And she gave you that look.

- [Wendell] How could I
have been such an idiot?

- You know, Wendell, I've
been thinking about something.

You know, we've had a good life, you know?

And you know, so what if
it ends in the Soviet Union

in a prison.

I mean, you know, it could be worse.

It could really be worse. Think of it.

No, just think about it, okay?

- I'm just gonna try and go to sleep.

And when I wake up,

I'll be back in New York

at my parent's house.

And this will all have been
one long, psychotic dream.

(loud banging)

(cinder block banging)

Oh, great! Now we've got rats.

(cinder blocks clattering)

- Big ones.

(Yuri speaking in Russian)

- Come on in.

It ain't much, but
we'll share it with you.

- You the Americanyans?

- We used to be.

- We're guests of the Soviet Union now.

- Well, at least you got a window.

You should see the hole I was in.

- We'll give you the
name of our travel agent.

- Yes, we requested that.

- You Russian?
- Latishe.

Captain Yuri Kuznets, Latvian Air Guard.

- Wendell Atwill, class of '81.

- Wendell.

- Oh. Travis. Dropout.

- So what are you in for?

- Stealing condoms.

- What sort of monsters
would incarcerate a man

for stealing a rubber?

- You know, I've had many
days to think about this,

and I have a theory that this place

is some top-secret military infestation,

or perhaps underground,

where people are bored

and need American-style
recreational devices.

- You're way off, pal.

This is a spy school.

- Wait a minute. What sort of devices?

- Stereos, TZ's, compact
dicks, naked women, movies.

You know, the life of luxury.

Listen, I delivered a
planeload of these goods

into this place.

- Don't.

(Yuri spits)

- What is this, piss?
(cup clattering)

- You didn't happen to deliver those goods

to a Mr. Smith, did you?

- Smith. Bob Smith. Yes, that's him.

And my reward for being a good soldier

is to get thrown into this stinking hole!

(guard speaking Russian)
- Gesundheit.

So you must be a pilot.
- Da.

- You have any idea where we are?

- Sure. 61 degrees north, 130
degrees east, near Yakutsk.

- Oh, great.

Is that near anyplace
we might've heard of?

- Mmm, 80 miles from Sea of Japan.

- Japan?
- Sushi.

- Geisha girls.

Is that where you got your haircut?

- [Yuri] (laughs) Nyet.

- This town, this entire
class of trainees is ruined,

spoiled by American materialism.

(door slamming)

- What are you doing? This is my house!

- Hey! Hey, that's my water pik.

Oh!

- We shall send the trainees
back to Moscow for retraining.

This town will be evacuated and destroyed.

- What the hell do you
think you guys are doin'?

- Hey, that's our stuff!

- You can't take that! That's my tape!

And that's my robot!

- Another KGB mess we
have to straighten out.

- General, wait, please.

Listen, I know this is all my fault,

but you can't destroy this town.

I'm not worried about the trainees,

but the residents here,
this place is their home.

They can't just adjust back
to life in the Soviet Union.

Please, wait. If you'll
just give me a chance.

I know of a way to remove
the influence of the experts.

(residents murmuring)
(soft dramatic music)

- Comrades.

You may not know this,

but Travis and Wendell are real Americans.

(residents murmuring)

They were brought into the
program on my authority,

and now they have something to say.

- Wendell and I have a
little announcement to make.

After serious thought

and consideration,

we've come to a decision.

We are both defecting to Russia.

(residents murmuring)

- Yes, um.

We're, um,

capitalist pigs,

and up until a few moments ago,

bent on dworld dwomination.

- World domination.

- What did I say?

- You said dworld dwomination.

Look.

America is screwed up.

It's, it's, um.

It stinks.

- It's, it's pollution.
- It's pollution.

I can't. I can't.

- Travis, why don't you think about

the alternative for a second.

Okay.

How about giving us a hand here, folks?

Uh!

Thank you.

We're supposed to be
betraying our country here.

It's part of a deal we
made with these guys

in the ugly suits.

They said that if we convince
you that we hate America,

then we get to live,

maybe start a little club
somewhere in the gulag.

- Get 'em out of here.

- So what do you say?

Why don't you just play
along with this, okay?

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're dead anyway, so
I'm gonna say something.

We do not hate America, okay?

As a matter of fact, we love it.

But we don't expect you to understand that

because you're Russians
pretending to be Americans.

So why should you understand
or even care about us?

But we trusted you.

Not as Russians or
Americans, but as people.

- They didn't know you were Americans.

They thought you were KGB
sent here to test them.

- This has gone far enough.

- You're right. Out!

- Just a minute!

There's something that I want to say.

- Sit down and shut up.

- No, you shut up!

- [Residents] Yeah!

- Go ahead, Gil.

- Okay.

I was born in this town.

I drive a Chevy and my favorite
show is "The Honeymooners."

I don't know if I'm American
or a Russian or what,

but I'm not gonna stand here and watch

any friend of mine get shot.

- That makes two of us!

- [Residents] Yeah!

- You people seem to be operating

under the illusion that
you are in America.

You are not. You are in the Soviet Union.

And it's about time that Russians

begin acting like Russians.

- Too late for that, General.

We've been pretending we are
Americans for over 30 years.

We don't want to return
to a collective in Minsk

or Ironworks number 129.

We like it here. We really like it here!

- I don't know about the rest of you,

but I want my stuff back.

- Sit down or you will be shot!

- Jones, don't be stupid.

What are you gonna shoot
any of these people for?

They haven't done anything wrong.

In fact, neither have Travis and Wendell.

Up until yesterday, they
thought they were in Nebraska,

for God's sake.

I'm the one who brought them here, Jones.

If anybody should be
shot, it should be me.

- I couldn't agree with you more.

(gun firing)
(residents screaming)

- You fool!

(residents screaming)

(trellis cracking)

(residents screaming)

- [Kid] Oh! Hey, that's mine!

- It's okay.

It's okay.

ZZ Top.

A hell of a way to
deflect a 9mm slug, huh?

(Betty sobbing)

- Go, go!

- All right, Travis, Wendell,

I'm gonna need your help.

We've got to get out to
the microwave station

and cut off communication to this town.

I do not want them calling
Soviet Air Command.

- Okay, fine. How do we get out of here?

- We've got a pilot and a plane.

Bonnie, the pilot's over in jail.

Get him out. He's a big
guy with a flat hair thing.

Come on.

(upbeat rock music)

(soft suspenseful music)

All right. Let's go.

(upbeat rock music)

(residents clamoring)

(explosion booming)
(tires screeching)

(guards speaking Russian)

- Hey!

Open the gate!

Open the gate!

Aah!

- Okay, we've overthrown our
leaders and put them in jail.

(residents cheering)

(bombs booming)

(residents screaming)
(upbeat music)

- Wait a second.

Where are we going?
(guns firing)

- The airport!
- Where's the airport?

- I'm not sure. Let's find Yuri.

- [Wendell] Whoa!

(punches smacking)
(Russian grunting)

(guns firing)

Give me this gun! This is a man's job!

(gun firing)

- Travis! Travis! Give me that!

Here! Try this. It's easier to control.

- Nice shooting, cowboy.

(guns firing)

- Bonnie, get these people to the school!

Put them on a bus and get
them to the airport, now!

(guns firing)
(dramatic music)

- This will hose is holding
till I get to the airport.

- What about the guards?

- No sweat, Bob. It's in the bag.

(hood slamming)
- Okay.

- Wendell, come on!

- This isn't gonna work, Yuri.

I'm just much too masculine.

I don't look like a woman.

- You need to be well
hung, like Russian woman.

- How's this?
- Nyet, nyet. Too small.

- Great.

How about now?

- Oh, that's good.
- Thanks.

- That's enough, Yuri.

- Okay, now. Get ready. Be cold.

(guard speaking Russian)

(Yuri speaking Russian)

- General, I say that you
put Mr. Jones back in charge.

And obviously, I'd be second in command

because this Smith guy has
no idea what's going on.

He has absolutely no idea, General.

- Shut up. Let's get to
the airport and stop them.

- Oh, great, great.

I break you guys out of
jail and I should shut up?

No, wait, wait!

(guard speaking Russian)

(Yuri speaking Russian)

(guards speaking Russian)

(Yuri speaking Russian)

- What is that gonna do?

- It's antifreeze.

(dramatic music)

(guard rail clattering)

- All right, move it. Let's move it.

Come on, come on.

Help them up the stairs.

Wendell, what are you doing in a dress?

- It's kind of a new thing for me.

(upbeat music)

(engines rumbling)

- Take it easy.

Watch that bottom step.

- Come on, come on. Hurry.

- I'm so excited.

We'll be in America.

We'll find an apartment,
and we'll get married,

and we'll make lots of babies.

Travis?

- Travis, what are you
doing? We're leaving now!

- I've gotta move the fuel truck!

- Yuri! Wait!

- Okay, here we go!

- [Wendell] Travis!

- Wendell!

- [Bonnie] Yuri!

Yuri, stop the plane!

- Oh, shit!

- [Travis] Yuri! Wait!

- Come on!
- Come on!

- [Nathan] Hurry!
- [Gil] Grab the ladder!

(dramatic Russian music)

- [Travis] Grab my hand, Wendell.

(dramatic Russian music)

- Let's go!

(dramatic Russian music)

- Hey, boxhead, thanks for waiting.

- What are you talking about?

You told me to go.

- Stink! We got problems here.

- [Wendell] What's the matter?

- Take over.
- Huh?

- I have to go outside.

- I don't know how to fly this thing.

- No, you don't fly. Just steer.

I'll be back in a minute.
I got to flip the flaps.

I do this all the time.

(bright patriotic music)

Excuse me.

- Jesus Christ, he
jumped out of the plane.

- Ah!

(engines rumbling)

- Shoot that man!

- [Travis] They say it's
time to help you out.

- Oh, I suppose you've
flown one of these before.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Take over.

- Well, it wasn't exactly a plane.

It was more like one of them spaceships.

- What?

- You know, like in Air
Force One, that video game?

- Oh, that's great, Travis.

- [Both] Aah!

(tires screeching)
(upbeat music)

(gun firing)

- Oh!

(gun firing)

(wrench thuds)
(Sparks grunts)

(Yuri screams in Russian)

- We're almost out of runway.

- Nyet!
(fist pounding)

- I can't steer this thing!

(feet stomping)

- Let's just put this puppy
in park till Yuri gets back.

(flap whirring)

(airplane roars)

- Oh!

- We're in the air, you jerk!

- Ah!

- Don't touch anything!

- What did you call me?

- I called you a jerk, you moron!

- [Travis] I'm gettin' out of here!

- What's happening in there?

- Nothing.

- Sit back down, Travis!
- No, you apologize!

- Okay, Travis, I'm very
sorry I called you a moron,

you brainless pinhead!

(plane roaring)

- [Yuri] Oh!

(passengers screaming)

Pull it back!

(passengers screaming)

(Yuri thuds)

- Ouch.
- Travis.

This is it!

- [Both] Ah!
(dramatic music)

(plane roaring)
(dramatic music)

(soldiers screaming in Russian)

- Thanks.

(bright dramatic music)

- This will not look good
on your record, Jones.

- My record?

I'm not gonna take the blame for this.

- Someone must answer for it.

- Thank you, thank you
very much for stopping

for me back there.

You know, I could have been killed.

Oh, well, great. You've let them go.

Now the Kremlin's gonna have
somebody's head for this.

(light plucky music)

(soft gentle music)

- Five minutes to international airspace!

(passengers cheering)

- [Wendell] What are we gonna
do with all these people?

- I don't know.

- They can't stay at my place.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Come on ♪

- Well, Travis, everybody's
certainly getting adjusted.

The state department's certainly
being very cooperative.

- Ah, so you're coming
over to this side, huh?

- Well now, Travis,
let me put it this way.

There is a time to talk,
and there's a time to dance.

Elizabeth?

- Cheers, old sport.

- Hey, okay.

- Travis, I have to
thank you for allowing me

to meet my future wife, Bridget.

- What happened to the old one?

- Oh, this? Well, I wore
this to keep the chicks away.

A guy's got to sleep, you know, huh?

Mmm.

- Travis.
- Nathan?

- What it is. Ladies?

- Come on and dance, Travis.
- Nah.

♪ Get serious, stop pretending ♪

♪ You know it's time to face the truth ♪

- Travis, what are you doing?

- I was just getting some
fresh air, that's all.

- Hey, what's the matter?

You know, I've been worried
about our new friends, you know?

You know, they're immigrants.

I don't think they're
gonna survive in this town.

- Okay, wait.

Travis, first of all,

just about everybody in
America is an immigrant

or was at some time.

And secondly, I think
they're a lot better off here

than they were in some airport in Russia.

- But they're not used to it.

You see, I don't think
they're gonna be happy here.

- How can you say that?

- I don't know.

Do you think that there's maybe a town

in this country that's just
like the one in Russia?

(singer humming)

(upbeat country rock music)

(singers humming)

- Well, Travis, what do you think?

- I don't know.

Hey, kid!
- Yeah?

- [Travis] Keep it!
- [Kid] Thanks!

- We're here.

All right, everybody. Let's go.

♪ Just another little speck on the map ♪

♪ But folks who come from here ♪

♪ Know where it's at ♪

♪ A stop on the greyhound line ♪

♪ The stores are closing
when the sun goes down ♪

♪ The horizon ends at the edge of town ♪

♪ And that suits us just fine ♪

♪ Oh, we like it that way ♪

♪ In hometown, USA ♪

♪ Ain't no big city
thrills and no city fears ♪

♪ And you don't need it ♪

♪ If you can't get it here ♪

♪ Even if you leave us behind ♪

♪ Your heart will stay in hometown, USA ♪

♪ You might go away ♪

♪ But your heart will stay ♪

♪ And you'll find yourself
headin' back someday ♪

♪ To hometown, USA ♪

♪ Big-hearted people
with small town ways ♪

♪ Everybody here was born and raised ♪

♪ Livin' in central time ♪

♪ Our hearts will stay in hometown, USA ♪

♪ Ain't no big city thrills ♪

♪ And no city fear ♪

♪ And you don't need it ♪

♪ If you can't get it here ♪

♪ Even if you leave us behind ♪

♪ Your heart will stay in hometown, USA ♪

♪ You might go away ♪

♪ But your heart will stay ♪

♪ And you'll find yourself
headin' back someday ♪

♪ To hometown, USA ♪

♪ Big-hearted people
with small town ways ♪

♪ Everybody here was born and raised ♪

♪ Livin' in central time ♪

♪ Our hearts will stay ♪

♪ In hometown, USA ♪

♪ Oh, our hearts will stay ♪

♪ In hometown, USA ♪

(singers humming)
(upbeat pop music)

♪ Ain't no fear ♪

♪ You're gonna like it here ♪

♪ Hometown, USA ♪

♪ Hometown, hometown ♪

♪ You might call it ♪

♪ Yeah ♪