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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,170 W-What? 2 00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:07,172 ♪ 3 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,809 (exclaims) 4 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:17,916 (school bell rings) 5 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:21,320 (burps) 6 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,422 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,823 (yells) 8 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,396 (beeps) 9 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,101 ♪ 10 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,070 (playing lively jazz music) 11 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:43,842 (tires screech) 12 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,514 D'oh! 13 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,681 (grunts) 14 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,717 -(marching band drumming) -Hey! 15 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,356 ♪ 16 00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:09,935 ♪ Love and marriage, love and marriage ♪ 17 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,970 ♪ Was the song from that show 18 00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:13,439 ♪ With Al Bundy 19 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,842 ♪ Now he's on Modern Family ♪ 20 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:20,112 ♪ And the neighbor guy was Ted McGinley ♪ 21 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:23,782 ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪ 22 00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:27,719 Happy Anniversary, Mr. Romance. (giggles) 23 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,588 -Mm. -Mm. 24 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,956 Zip me? 25 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,058 My pleasure. 26 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:36,395 Then you do me. 27 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,596 Oh... oh. 28 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,897 -Eh? (yelps) -(grunting) 29 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,899 -(straining): Almost. -Okay? 30 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:43,502 -Suck it in. Come on. -It is sucked in. 31 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:44,570 -Harder! Harder! -Oof. 32 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,271 Oh, it's so hard to be a man. 33 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,474 -(panting): Oh, come on. Harder. -Harder? 34 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,476 -Yeah, that's it. That's it. -That's it, you're almost there. 35 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,744 -Harder. (moans) -Oh, yes! Oh! 36 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:56,315 We are going to have a magical evening, my love: 37 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:59,318 overpriced dinner, carriage ride in the park 38 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:03,222 and mailing in our mortgage payment on time. 39 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,823 (gasps) 40 00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,091 Oh... 41 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:09,895 nothing turns me on more than basic competence. 42 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:12,898 But how did you manage to get a babysitter? 43 00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,733 I thought we were blacklisted. 44 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,169 Blacklisted by humans. 45 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,105 ALEXA: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, 46 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,306 you look lovely. 47 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,742 Hey, Google, kill Alexa. 48 00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:26,478 Danger! Mischief. 49 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:27,913 Aw, the only way to beat 50 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,516 a bossy female thinking machine is with another. 51 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,484 Lis. Help me out here. 52 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,554 Alexa, everything I say is a lie. 53 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,656 I'm lying right now. 54 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,491 Nice try, but I am familiar 55 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,227 -with Epimenides paradox. -Hmm? 56 00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:44,029 Would you like to buy an Epimenides book, 57 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,331 T-shirt or a laptop sleeve? 58 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,967 Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes! All of them. 59 00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,969 Ordering. Two-day delivery. 60 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,839 We can't leave our kids with a greedy tube. 61 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,375 Sorry, Homer, looks like you have to spend time with... 62 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:59,144 your children. 63 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,146 (laughs): Oh. 64 00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,582 You will be sat. 65 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,418 Marge, it's time to go to DEFCON 1. 66 00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:07,719 (Grandpa moans) 67 00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,855 Dad, the kids really miss you. 68 00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,523 Could you come see them tonight? 69 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,991 Couldn't find a sitter, huh? 70 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,660 -Yes. -All right. 71 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,762 Aw, I appreciate it. 72 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,030 Hey, what's this? 73 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:21,633 Well, I threw out that picture of me and Mona. 74 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,503 I finally had to accept she ain't coming back to me. 75 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,537 She's dead. 76 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,072 That's one of the reasons. 77 00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,874 HOMER: Bye-bye. 78 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,310 (glass squeaking) 79 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,178 (snoring) 80 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:36,248 We have to get Grampa back to the home in an hour. 81 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,450 Maybe we should just stay here. 82 00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,652 No, we'll do everything I promised. 83 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,120 We'll just have to speed things up. 84 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,922 (energetic music playing) 85 00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:45,924 ♪ 86 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,466 (both laughing) 87 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:55,734 (tires screech) 88 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,636 Keep your motor running. 89 00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,471 HOMER: He shoots, he scores! 90 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,873 Shut that off. 91 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,610 -MARGE: Homie... -HOMER: No time. 92 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,045 -Go, go, go, go, go! -(tires screech) 93 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,380 HOST: On This Was Radio, 94 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,450 we return to an episode of Sipper McTea and Milly, 95 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,686 originally aired May 4, 1944. 96 00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,356 MILLY (on radio): Sipper, did you start drinking again? 97 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,324 SIPPER (slurred speech): No. No, no, no. 98 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,326 I nev-never stopped. 99 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,628 (applause) 100 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,630 Milly went on to marry King Farouk. 101 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,300 Radio was never the same. It was much better. 102 00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:31,603 MILLY: No, Sipper. Don't get into that Packard. 103 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,739 (horn honks, tires screech, crash) 104 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,275 Bart, do something. 105 00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,910 SIPPER: Back to-back to jail I go. 106 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,680 (gulps) 107 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,548 (stammering) 108 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:46,184 Kids, where do we keep the castor oil? 109 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,253 In the 1940s. 110 00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,988 Maybe we can play a game. 111 00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,957 The Game of Life? 112 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,158 I already lost. 113 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,493 Hatchimals? 114 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,627 Too new-fangled. 115 00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:56,695 Pick-up sticks. 116 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,230 Too old-fangled. 117 00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,164 How about Monopoly? 118 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,966 Ah, now you're talking. 119 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:04,803 The only place you can still say "Oriental." 120 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:07,339 Aw, rats. No money. 121 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,308 BART: Ay, caramba! 122 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,643 Sir, this is just Monopoly money. 123 00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,078 Here's a hundred. 124 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,280 Thank you, sir! 125 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,616 This is the last one in here. 126 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:21,386 My guess: either a broken toy or a puzzle missing a piece. 127 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,555 And the answer is... army men. 128 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,626 (screaming) 129 00:05:30,064 --> 00:05:31,630 (gunfire in distance) 130 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,032 Aah! Incoming! Outgoing! 131 00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,767 Staying the same-ing! 132 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,505 One last kiss, my love. 133 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,040 -(screaming) -Huh? 134 00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:46,178 What's going on here? What are you doing? 135 00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:49,014 Well, he wasn't much fun, so we went out for ice cream. 136 00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,382 Uh-huh. 137 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,219 I don't need no headshrinker. 138 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,788 I'm as sane as the next guy. 139 00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,156 There's no one there. 140 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,158 Uh-oh. 141 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,693 I'll take it from here. 142 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,462 Well, I see they already 143 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,997 shaved your head for the electroshock. 144 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,466 That'll save us time. 145 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,034 I'm not the crazy one! 146 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,269 Not crazy! Not crazy! 147 00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:13,271 (babbling) 148 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,410 Slice out the crazy, Doc. 149 00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,312 Boy, I'll kill you! 150 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:22,447 You stupid... I'm not crazy! 151 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:25,550 We'll talk more once you have a piece of leather in your teeth. 152 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,186 Mmm, leather. 153 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,690 I'm tellin' ya, what I saw in the war don't bother me none. 154 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,892 I had a job to do, and I did it. 155 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:37,062 What secretly helped me was I enjoyed killing strangers. 156 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,631 Well, tell me what you think about... 157 00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,533 -this! -(chuckles) Oh! 158 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,702 That parachute sure didn't open. 159 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,338 You're not disturbed by the blood and gore? 160 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:49,274 Well, when you put it that way, nope! 161 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,143 Well, there's nothing mentally wrong with him. 162 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,578 He's fine now, but I'm telling you, 163 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,081 Grampa totally lost it when I brought out the army men. 164 00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,518 (screaming) 165 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:02,454 No! Stop shooting! 166 00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:04,890 It must be the army men. 167 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,293 Stop shooting. Stop shooting! 168 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,797 I think Grampa was the model for these army men. 169 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,868 Oh, my God, Dad. What happened to you? 170 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,606 Stop shooting. Stop shooting! 171 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,775 MAN: Great, Abe. Now, grab the walkie-talkie 172 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,578 and tell that general your platoon's been wiped out, 173 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,114 and big smile! 174 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,249 We have a lot to talk about. 175 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:33,652 Well, since the trauma is not combat-related, 176 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,854 we're gonna have to start charging you. 177 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,122 HOMER: And we're done. 178 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,377 I don't understand, why would being a toy model 179 00:07:42,479 --> 00:07:43,979 be so traumatizing? 180 00:07:44,081 --> 00:07:46,381 Think back, Dad. Think back. 181 00:07:46,483 --> 00:07:48,650 Mm, I'll do my best. 182 00:07:48,752 --> 00:07:50,652 You know how I hate to reminisce. 183 00:07:50,754 --> 00:07:51,987 I've hated reminiscing 184 00:07:52,089 --> 00:07:54,990 ever since that day in 1937, 185 00:07:55,092 --> 00:07:56,858 when, as I recall... 186 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,694 Please, Grampa, back to reality. 187 00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:02,063 Focus on the little green men. 188 00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,367 GRAMPA: The terrible World War had ended 189 00:08:05,469 --> 00:08:07,836 and I was in a celebratin' mood. 190 00:08:07,938 --> 00:08:09,638 Mwah. Ooh! 191 00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,374 The war ended two years ago, creep. 192 00:08:12,476 --> 00:08:14,109 GRAMPA: The world had moved on, 193 00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:17,546 but I was lying in a puddle of my own dishonorable discharge. 194 00:08:17,648 --> 00:08:20,282 Then, an amazing thing happened. 195 00:08:20,384 --> 00:08:22,350 MAN: Soldier, you're just what we're looking for. 196 00:08:22,452 --> 00:08:24,986 How'd you like to make 50 bucks for half a day's work? 197 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,389 50 simoleons for half a cock-a-doodle-doo? 198 00:08:27,491 --> 00:08:29,591 What's your jigsaw, Mac? 199 00:08:29,693 --> 00:08:32,127 We want you to model for a toy. 200 00:08:32,229 --> 00:08:33,828 Toys? That's kid stuff. 201 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,531 You're talking to a hard-boiled fighting man. 202 00:08:36,633 --> 00:08:38,567 We'll pay you a royalty for every one we sell. 203 00:08:38,669 --> 00:08:40,101 Goo-goo-ga-ga! 204 00:08:40,204 --> 00:08:43,271 The war was over and America turned to toys. 205 00:08:43,373 --> 00:08:45,574 Finally, putty could be silly again. 206 00:08:45,676 --> 00:08:48,343 This was when toys were toys. 207 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,945 They had jagged corners, 208 00:08:50,047 --> 00:08:52,214 Easy-Bake Ovens burned down your house, 209 00:08:52,316 --> 00:08:54,950 and they weren't afraid to choke a kid or two. 210 00:08:55,052 --> 00:08:56,851 (chuckles) Fun times. 211 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,920 (raccoons chittering) 212 00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:04,893 PHOTOGRAPHER: Throw that flame! 213 00:09:04,995 --> 00:09:07,562 Make war to the camera. 214 00:09:07,664 --> 00:09:11,132 Boy, this toy modeling is a great racket. 215 00:09:11,235 --> 00:09:13,301 That's what you think. 216 00:09:13,403 --> 00:09:16,738 Oh, no, don't put me back in. Don't put me back in! 217 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,307 Uh-huh. And then what happened? 218 00:09:19,409 --> 00:09:22,010 I... I can't remember. 219 00:09:22,112 --> 00:09:23,311 Did they pay you? 220 00:09:23,413 --> 00:09:25,647 (gasps) They never did! 221 00:09:25,749 --> 00:09:28,516 Well, that's what's torturing you. 222 00:09:28,619 --> 00:09:30,118 Those toys were everywhere. 223 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:32,887 You could be owed millions of dollars. 224 00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:36,758 Dad, when was the last time I said I love you? 225 00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:38,293 I don't have the money yet. 226 00:09:38,395 --> 00:09:41,396 Then I don't quite love you yet. 227 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,665 Tonight I'm here with a member of the greatest generation, 228 00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,867 who feels he hasn't gotten what he's owed. 229 00:09:45,969 --> 00:09:48,403 I get social security, Medicare, 230 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,772 Medicaid, AARP discounts, 231 00:09:50,874 --> 00:09:53,742 plus savings bonds that still pay 37%, 232 00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,077 but now it's my turn. 233 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,047 I'm being told, uh, you're being airlifted 234 00:09:59,149 --> 00:10:01,750 -to a much better show. -(helicopter blades whirring) 235 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,451 Godspeed. 236 00:10:03,553 --> 00:10:07,389 For me, the tiny green plastic war never ended. 237 00:10:07,491 --> 00:10:09,557 There you have it. Abraham Simpson, 238 00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:13,261 forgotten hero no more, gets tonight's Last Word. 239 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,430 No, you just got the last word. 240 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,334 No, no. You get the last word, then I say, "Last Word." 241 00:10:19,436 --> 00:10:21,169 You did it again. Last Word. 242 00:10:21,271 --> 00:10:23,038 It doesn't work that way. Last Word. 243 00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:24,472 Yes, it does. Last Word. 244 00:10:24,574 --> 00:10:26,841 Don't mess with me, I'm from Dorchester. Last Word. 245 00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:29,244 I'm from Poorchester. Last Word. 246 00:10:29,346 --> 00:10:30,679 Turn off the camera and cut his mic. 247 00:10:30,781 --> 00:10:31,680 Last Wo... 248 00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:34,282 You, sir, are banned from MSNBC, 249 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,784 CNBC, NBC, 250 00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,853 and forbidden from using the letters N, B, and C. 251 00:10:38,955 --> 00:10:40,121 Last Word. 252 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:43,091 I'm calling Bret Baier. Last Word. 253 00:10:43,193 --> 00:10:45,126 He's unlisted. Last Word. 254 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:48,763 Grampa, you got an e-mail from the toy company. 255 00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:51,333 They want you to visit them in New York City, 256 00:10:51,435 --> 00:10:53,234 all expenses paid. 257 00:10:53,337 --> 00:10:56,171 (laughs) Pay day! 258 00:10:56,273 --> 00:10:57,972 Ooh, I'm gonna be rich! 259 00:10:58,075 --> 00:11:00,642 (gasps) That means I'm gonna be a trust fund baby. 260 00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:03,044 I'm not paying for your trip to Aspen. 261 00:11:03,146 --> 00:11:06,381 But it's almost spring break, and I'm bored. 262 00:11:06,483 --> 00:11:09,451 PILOT: Uh, we are making our descent into New York, 263 00:11:09,553 --> 00:11:13,421 where there's a happy heart for every light on Broadway. 264 00:11:13,523 --> 00:11:16,057 Enjoy your fabulous success. 265 00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:18,126 And don't worry about buckling up 266 00:11:18,228 --> 00:11:21,596 or putting your chairs back-- you're on a roll. 267 00:11:21,698 --> 00:11:24,532 (whispers): Leave the cart. 268 00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:26,968 (laughs) Oh. Oh... 269 00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:28,336 ♪ I'm back 270 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,773 ♪ Back in the New York groove 271 00:11:31,875 --> 00:11:33,108 ♪ Back 272 00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,243 ♪ In the New York groove 273 00:11:35,345 --> 00:11:39,013 ♪ In the New York groove. ♪ 274 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,451 From my shoulders, you can see Rhode Island. 275 00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:46,287 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 276 00:11:48,358 --> 00:11:50,725 Abe Simpson, you dog. 277 00:11:50,827 --> 00:11:53,194 Sweetcakes, bring us a couple of sidecars. 278 00:11:54,731 --> 00:11:56,064 -(gasps) -(groans) 279 00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:58,733 You never called him out for his bad behavior? 280 00:11:58,835 --> 00:12:02,003 No. But I put mercury in his coffee. 281 00:12:02,105 --> 00:12:04,072 Oh, don't worry, he can't hear me. 282 00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:06,508 What are you two doing? Swapping recipes? 283 00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:08,810 (chuckles) Sort of. 284 00:12:08,912 --> 00:12:10,879 Let me get you some coffee. 285 00:12:13,383 --> 00:12:16,418 Mister, you owe my dad a fortune. 286 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,287 'Fraid not. Your Dad never signed his contract. 287 00:12:19,389 --> 00:12:22,390 You think I left millions on the table? 288 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,025 That doesn't sound like me. 289 00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:27,562 -Hundreds of millions. -That sounds like me. 290 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,164 Everything was going great. 291 00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:31,132 Then you ran out of the photo session. 292 00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:33,268 I didn't even know your name till this week. 293 00:12:33,370 --> 00:12:37,172 Run away from a fake battle? Oh, I would never do that. 294 00:12:37,274 --> 00:12:39,507 Oh, yeah? Our photographer, Philip Hefflin, 295 00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:41,176 could barely finish the session. 296 00:12:41,278 --> 00:12:43,278 Philip Hefflin? 297 00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:46,080 Yes. The finest war and fashion photographer 298 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:49,050 -I ever knew. -(Grampa gasps) 299 00:12:49,152 --> 00:12:50,819 I remember Philip. 300 00:12:50,921 --> 00:12:52,754 He smelled of developing fluid 301 00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:55,123 and Aqua Velva. 302 00:12:55,225 --> 00:12:57,659 We have flashback, people. 303 00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:02,464 ("Blue Rondo à la Turk" by the Dave Brubeck Quartet playing) 304 00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,240 Thank you. This is the most fun I've had 305 00:13:12,342 --> 00:13:14,242 since not dying in the war. 306 00:13:16,313 --> 00:13:18,446 You're my kind of man, 307 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,281 if you know what I mean. 308 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,951 That's not what I meant! 309 00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,186 I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to... 310 00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:28,189 This is the '40s. Guys like you don't exist. 311 00:13:28,291 --> 00:13:30,425 We'll just finish the session. 312 00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:32,560 Aah! No! 313 00:13:32,662 --> 00:13:34,762 Stop shooting! 314 00:13:34,865 --> 00:13:37,699 -(panting) -Where are you going, Soldier? 315 00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,968 I got to remind myself what a real man is. 316 00:13:41,872 --> 00:13:44,205 (sighs) 317 00:13:44,307 --> 00:13:46,908 We found out what happened and we fired Philip. 318 00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:50,044 -For kissing an employee? -No, for being gay. 319 00:13:50,146 --> 00:13:52,113 That's just what you did in the good old days. 320 00:13:52,215 --> 00:13:54,249 Grampa, is that true-- 321 00:13:54,351 --> 00:13:56,684 you ruined a man's career? 322 00:13:56,786 --> 00:13:59,187 (cries) And all he was doing 323 00:13:59,289 --> 00:14:01,756 was expressing his love for me. 324 00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:03,324 Oh, who could blame him? 325 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,512 PILOT: Welcome to Shattered Dreams Airlines, 326 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:10,315 where our motto is "What's the point of going anywhere?" 327 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,952 That poor man. I'll never know what happened to him. 328 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,654 According to Cyber Stalker.com, 329 00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:19,157 he now lives in a small town in Texas. 330 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,660 Texas? That's where my friend Louisiana Joe is from. 331 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,495 MARGE: Marfa, Texas. 332 00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:27,232 Why don't you go see him and clear your conscience? 333 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,501 Plus, I always wanted to visit Texas. It's open carry. 334 00:14:30,604 --> 00:14:32,370 Oh, what do I do? 335 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,340 If I go see him, he might punch me in the kisser, 336 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,709 or kiss me in the puncher. 337 00:14:37,811 --> 00:14:40,578 -(gunfire) -Our manhood is under assault, Sergeant. 338 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,182 -Incoming gay panic! -(groaning) 339 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,051 (panting) 340 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,021 Abe, promise me one thing. 341 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,824 Go see Philip. Tell him you're sorry. 342 00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:56,060 Then find my girl and tell her I loved her. 343 00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:59,797 Find the milkman and tell him one less milk. 344 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,267 Then find Branch Rickey and tell him 345 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:05,436 to integrate baseball. 346 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,606 I have to go to Texas. 347 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,243 -Well, you're not going alone. -We're all going to Texas. 348 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,913 The plant can get by without me for a little longer. 349 00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:21,953 WOMAN'S VOICE (on GPS): Turn left at the stop sign. 350 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,622 Bear right onto the freeway. 351 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,125 Go absolutely straight for... 352 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:29,394 480 miles. 353 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:32,130 ♪ I saw miles and miles 354 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,831 ♪ Of Texas 355 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,968 ♪ All the stars up in the sky 356 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,804 ♪ I saw miles and miles 357 00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,639 ♪ Of Texas 358 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:44,108 ♪ Gonna live here 359 00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:47,078 ♪ Till I die. 360 00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,994 Prada? In the middle of nowhere? 361 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,199 This isn't a store at all. It's an art installation. 362 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,234 Marfa is the art capital of Texas. 363 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,770 Over there are the Marfa lights. 364 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,239 Oh, how magical. 365 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,209 I know, they seem that way, but there's an explanation. 366 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,445 -It turns out reflected light... -Don't ruin it. 367 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,612 (humming) 368 00:16:21,715 --> 00:16:23,614 Why are you going behind the installation? 369 00:16:23,717 --> 00:16:25,917 It's by the side of the road, so, by definition, 370 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,785 it's a bathroom. 371 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:30,621 (moaning) 372 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,424 That's where Philip lives. 373 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:37,428 37 miles to my destiny. 374 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,664 -(zips) -Son? As I've gotten older, 375 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,267 I've started to think maybe a man can love different things 376 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:46,304 -and still be a man. -Grampa's gay! 377 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:47,672 Why you little... 378 00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,807 (grunting) 379 00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,976 Wait, Homer! No. Stop. 380 00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,811 You might be strangling him 381 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,047 because of your own conflicted feelings. 382 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,715 Why you thoughtful... 383 00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,084 -(screaming) -(grunting) 384 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,820 -Homer! -Okay, time to go. 385 00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,188 (gasps) 386 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,691 Now to face my greatest fear: 387 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,827 someone who only had love for me. 388 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,701 Better lock and load. 389 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:20,138 ♪ There's a handsome man in Texas ♪ 390 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,874 ♪ That I'm going back to see 391 00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,810 ♪ He was supposed to take my picture ♪ 392 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,579 ♪ Then he got sweet on me 393 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:32,183 ♪ I buried it for decades 394 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,185 ♪ Deep inside my brain 395 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,854 ♪ But then I played with army men ♪ 396 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,223 ♪ And it came up again 397 00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,459 ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ 398 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,694 ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, d... ♪ 399 00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:44,695 Oh! 400 00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:47,532 I'm seeing things. 401 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,572 PHILIP: Hello, Abe. 402 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:57,508 You've aged well, like a fine onion. 403 00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,511 I hope you can forgive what I did to you. 404 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,680 I'm sorry I ruined your life. 405 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,349 Ruined my life? You saved it. 406 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,019 -I saved it? -Let me explain. 407 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,021 After I lost my job, 408 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:13,558 I decided I'd never live anything but my truth again. 409 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:17,595 My wife took it well. 410 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:20,598 I hit the road and drove as far as I could. 411 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,569 I landed here and I've never had a day of regret since. 412 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,606 What's the matter? 413 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,275 You're such a wonderful guy. 414 00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:34,212 Maybe it was my life that was ruined that day. 415 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,581 It's never too late, Abe. 416 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,351 Never too late to find out what your true self is. 417 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,687 A paper at Cornell University 418 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,657 has showed that no one is 100% straight or gay. 419 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:49,460 -Is it peer reviewed? -Does it matter? 420 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,563 Ah, I'm afraid I'm too old to try anything new. 421 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,399 I miss the days when circuses had elephants 422 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,201 and they stomped on people. 423 00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,571 And don't get me started on Young Sheldon. 424 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,174 Understood, but before you go, 425 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:06,177 we never did finish that photo session. 426 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,479 ("Blue Rondo à la Turk" by the Dave Brubeck Quartet playing) 427 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:18,589 It's a shot I always wanted and never got: 428 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,591 your beautiful smile. 429 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,126 Why didn't you say so? 430 00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:25,429 I'll leave that with you. 431 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,798 Enjoy your life. 432 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,808 The Alamo's not the only thing I'm gonna remember. 433 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,213 Well? 434 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,382 Sorry, my friend, this army man 435 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,651 is as straight as Gomer Pyle. 436 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,386 (laughs) 437 00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,659 Good for you, soldier. 438 00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,228 You learned that army men come in all orientations, 439 00:19:57,330 --> 00:20:00,665 but we're all molded from the same crappy plastic. 440 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,401 Permission to pair up, sir? 441 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,403 Granted. 442 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,406 Radio man, a little dance music, if you please. 443 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,408 (romantic music plays) 444 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:22,920 -The local population hates us, and we don't know 445 00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:26,390 -why we're here. -Maybe if we build a school, 446 00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:27,858 they'll forget about that hospital we bombed. 447 00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:31,596 Uh-oh, Congress didn't fund enough body armor. 448 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,665 Well, this is too sad. Let's melt 'em in the microwave. 449 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,501 Oh, boy! 450 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,204 ♪ This is the Army, Mr. Jones ♪ 451 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,208 ♪ No private rooms or telephones ♪ 452 00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:50,181 ♪ You had your breakfast in bed before ♪ 453 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:54,185 ♪ But you won't have it there anymore ♪ 454 00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:58,089 ♪ This is the Army, Mr. Green ♪ 455 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:03,794 ♪ We like the barracks nice and clean ♪ 456 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:07,765 ♪ You had a housemaid to clean your floor ♪ 457 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:11,736 ♪ But she won't help you out any more. ♪ 458 00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,738 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 459 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,740 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 460 00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,742 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 461 00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:19,810 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 462 00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,949 -LAWRENCE O'DONNELL: Last word! -Shh! 37647

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