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1
00:00:02,998 --> 00:00:07,997
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00:00:07,999 --> 00:00:09,998
WOMAN SIGHS
3
00:00:09,999 --> 00:00:12,998
WOMAN GROANS
4
00:00:12,999 --> 00:00:16,132
Ah! Come on, where is it?
5
00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:18,998
Oh...
6
00:00:18,999 --> 00:00:20,998
Oh, shit!
7
00:00:20,999 --> 00:00:23,132
Where is it? Stuart!
8
00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:25,998
Where's the bag?
Oh, hold my hand, hold my hand.
9
00:00:25,999 --> 00:00:27,266
I think we need to get a move on.
10
00:00:27,267 --> 00:00:29,998
I want to share every
beautiful moment together.
11
00:00:29,999 --> 00:00:31,998
You just told me to
set myself on fire. It's fine.
12
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,998
The doctor said
there might be swings.
13
00:00:33,999 --> 00:00:36,999
After me, breathe in the love,
14
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,998
breathe out the baby.
15
00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:40,533
Now you.
16
00:00:40,534 --> 00:00:41,998
Breathe in the... Love.
17
00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,998
Breathe out the... The baby.
18
00:00:43,999 --> 00:00:44,999
April, where's the hospital bag?
19
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,998
I want to take all your clothes off.
20
00:00:46,999 --> 00:00:49,998
What? It's the oxytocin.
The doctor said I might get randy.
21
00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:51,998
Yeah, she also said
you might shit yourself.
22
00:00:51,999 --> 00:00:54,998
I want to have this
child while we make love.
23
00:00:54,999 --> 00:00:56,998
I think we need to
get you to the hospital.
24
00:00:56,999 --> 00:00:57,999
Dad!
25
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,132
APRIL SINGS
26
00:01:00,133 --> 00:01:03,998
Dad? I'm entertaining!
27
00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:06,999
Have you taken a bag out of my room?
Just a moment.
28
00:01:07,999 --> 00:01:08,999
Enter.
29
00:01:10,999 --> 00:01:12,998
Stuart, this is Igor.
30
00:01:12,999 --> 00:01:13,999
Yep.
31
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,998
APRIL GROANS
Kicked off a bit early, then.
32
00:01:15,999 --> 00:01:18,933
When you were born,
your mother was twice as loud.
33
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:19,998
Heard her from the pub.
34
00:01:19,999 --> 00:01:21,998
Can you get out of bed?
It's two o'clock.
35
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:23,933
Didn't get back until nine.
36
00:01:23,934 --> 00:01:25,998
Cannot remember beyond lunchtime.
37
00:01:25,999 --> 00:01:27,998
I know we had cocktails in town.
38
00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:29,266
Dad, I need some help.
39
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,998
Then we did poppers
in the bog at Cafe Rouge.
40
00:01:31,999 --> 00:01:34,998
Dad... Did we end up in a field?
..have you seen a blue sports bag?
41
00:01:34,999 --> 00:01:37,534
Full of nappies and nighties?
Over there.
42
00:01:40,999 --> 00:01:43,999
Where's all the Red Bull?
We ran out of cocaine.
43
00:01:44,999 --> 00:01:46,999
APRIL CRIES
44
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,998
APRIL GROANS
45
00:01:50,999 --> 00:01:53,998
I want Mummy.
OK, should I phone her?
46
00:01:53,999 --> 00:01:55,998
God, no. She hates me.
47
00:01:55,999 --> 00:01:58,998
It's just such a festival
of men in this house.
48
00:01:58,999 --> 00:02:00,999
Can you ask Kate
if she'll come over?
49
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,998
It's probably a bad idea.
It's just all so Mars.
50
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,666
I need some Venus.
51
00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:08,533
Please!
52
00:02:08,534 --> 00:02:09,998
Back in a minute.
53
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,998
I love you! Yep.
54
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:14,998
APRIL GROANS
55
00:02:14,999 --> 00:02:16,999
Oh.
56
00:02:20,999 --> 00:02:23,999
WHIRRING FROM INSIDE HOUSE
57
00:02:25,999 --> 00:02:28,999
WHIRRING DIES DOWN
58
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,999
WHIRRING RESUMES
59
00:02:32,999 --> 00:02:34,998
DOORBELL
60
00:02:34,999 --> 00:02:36,998
Stu! Hi, Barry.
61
00:02:36,999 --> 00:02:38,998
Fancy hopping on for a Campari?
62
00:02:38,999 --> 00:02:42,999
April's in labour.
Oh, felicitations. Hm.
63
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,266
Hello, neighbour.
64
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,933
Congrats on the beard.
65
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:48,998
Doesn't look dyed. Is Kate there?
66
00:02:48,999 --> 00:02:50,998
I'm in the middle of woodwork sesh,
67
00:02:50,999 --> 00:02:52,998
building a pagoda
for my birthday girl.
68
00:02:52,999 --> 00:02:54,998
She's not yours.
What'd you get her, jeans again?
69
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:57,998
She's mine.
It's what real dads do, Stuart.
70
00:02:57,999 --> 00:02:59,998
They don't buy
disappointing presents
71
00:02:59,999 --> 00:03:01,998
and they don't shit themselves
on the ferry to Santander.
72
00:03:01,999 --> 00:03:03,998
Could you just shut up
and get Kate, please?
73
00:03:03,999 --> 00:03:05,998
It was supposed to be here
an hour ago. What's the hold-up?
74
00:03:05,999 --> 00:03:07,999
What is it, Stuart? I'm trying to
sort Madonna's birthday present.
75
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,800
April's gone into labour.
76
00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:11,998
Just make sure
it's here before three.
77
00:03:11,999 --> 00:03:13,998
Congratulations. Shouldn't you be...
78
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:16,998
..there? It's a bit bloke-heavy.
She wondered if you could pop over.
79
00:03:16,999 --> 00:03:17,999
Don't be so ridiculous.
80
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,998
Why would she want your ex-wife
gawping up her chuff?
81
00:03:20,999 --> 00:03:22,533
Play well with the female voters.
82
00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:23,999
Do you really think
I'm that cynical?
83
00:03:24,999 --> 00:03:26,998
Won't be long.
84
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:27,999
Holler if you need me.
85
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,800
I'll be at the lathe.
86
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:30,998
What's she supposed
to do with a pagoda?
87
00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:33,132
We saw them in Japan.
They're actually quite beautiful.
88
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,399
You know you can see his knob
through that dressing gown.
89
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,998
Where's your van? I'm getting
it pimped up with a respray.
90
00:03:37,999 --> 00:03:40,533
Don't try to compete with Ted.
Wasn't.
91
00:03:40,534 --> 00:03:41,998
So, how are you getting to hospital?
92
00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:43,266
Uber.
93
00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:46,666
Hi. Why are you here?
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
94
00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,998
I thought you were getting
your hair done. I did.
95
00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:49,999
Fuck off.
96
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,800
I'm trying to win an election.
97
00:03:51,801 --> 00:03:52,998
What? I thought you'd like it.
98
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:55,533
I'm challenging traditional
notions of feminine beauty.
99
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:56,998
You look like Patrick Stewart.
100
00:03:56,999 --> 00:03:58,998
Who? I like it.
101
00:03:58,999 --> 00:03:59,999
Whatever.
102
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,800
Not that way.
103
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:02,998
Ted's organising a surprise.
104
00:04:02,999 --> 00:04:06,132
Come on, I need your help.
April's in labour.
105
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:08,998
APRIL GROANS
106
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,800
I'll stick the kettle on.
107
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:11,999
Honestly, I really like it.
108
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,998
Piss off, Dad.
109
00:04:13,999 --> 00:04:15,998
I'm here now, April.
110
00:04:15,999 --> 00:04:16,999
You off, then?
111
00:04:18,999 --> 00:04:21,998
Oh, God, it feels like
it's coming out of my bum.
112
00:04:21,999 --> 00:04:23,999
Oh, you're doing so well.
113
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,998
Better than I am.
114
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,933
How on earth did I get home?
115
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:28,998
Dad, can you not vape?
116
00:04:28,999 --> 00:04:30,998
Balls, it's a harmless
smelling mist.
117
00:04:30,999 --> 00:04:33,998
I am so glad you chose to
join our magical adventure.
118
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:36,132
It's like having my mum here.
119
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:37,998
I'm 40.
120
00:04:37,999 --> 00:04:38,999
..8.
121
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,998
How long's this cab going to be?
I haven't ordered it yet.
122
00:04:40,999 --> 00:04:42,998
What do you mean you
haven't ordered it?
123
00:04:42,999 --> 00:04:44,998
Oh, don't make this
another Alton Towers.
124
00:04:44,999 --> 00:04:46,533
What happened at Alton Towers?
125
00:04:46,534 --> 00:04:48,998
I lost my gay virginity
on the teacups.
126
00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:51,266
What? No. I forgot to order a cab.
127
00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:52,998
Oh, I can't find my good place.
128
00:04:52,999 --> 00:04:54,998
I can't find my good place!
129
00:04:54,999 --> 00:04:57,998
Gucci businesswear, that's what
I think about when I'm depressed.
130
00:04:57,999 --> 00:04:58,999
She's not depressed.
131
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,998
Stuart, go and tell Ted he's
taking April to the hospital
132
00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:02,998
and on your way, book the cab.
We'll follow in that.
133
00:05:02,999 --> 00:05:05,533
I'm not asking Ted for help.
Just do it!
134
00:05:05,534 --> 00:05:06,998
I think one's coming again.
135
00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:08,998
And breathe.
136
00:05:08,999 --> 00:05:10,998
And the reason I forgot to
order that cab at Alton Towers
137
00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:12,533
was cos Dad was getting arrested.
138
00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:13,998
Please hurry up! Yep.
139
00:05:13,999 --> 00:05:15,999
SHE MOANS
140
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,999
MADONNA: Dad, Uncle Charlie's here.
141
00:05:27,999 --> 00:05:28,999
Surprise!
142
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,998
Why are you hiding in the bushes?
143
00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:32,998
Cos it wouldn't be
a surprise otherwise.
144
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,533
What's the surprise? Me.
145
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,800
In the bushes?
Thought you were on the Isle of Man.
146
00:05:36,801 --> 00:05:38,998
I was. Now I'm here.
Just in time for my birthday.
147
00:05:38,999 --> 00:05:40,998
And that's why I was
hiding in the bushes.
148
00:05:40,999 --> 00:05:44,998
So your present for Madonna on her
17th birthday is you in the bushes?
149
00:05:44,999 --> 00:05:46,998
Well, I'm pleased to see you,
Uncle Charlie.
150
00:05:46,999 --> 00:05:48,998
Aw! See?
151
00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:50,132
Ross Kemp don't mind.
152
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,666
GRUFFLY: Stick the kettle on.
153
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:53,998
APRIL: Hurry up!
154
00:05:53,999 --> 00:05:55,266
Something's tearing.
155
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:56,998
Now's not a good time, Charlie.
156
00:05:56,999 --> 00:05:58,998
April's in labour.
157
00:05:58,999 --> 00:05:59,999
Who's April?
158
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,998
Girl or boy? Still waiting.
159
00:06:09,999 --> 00:06:11,800
If you are looking for Ted,
he's round the back,
160
00:06:11,801 --> 00:06:13,132
mucking about with his funny shed.
161
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,933
It's a pagoda.
162
00:06:14,934 --> 00:06:15,999
Ooh! Konnichiwa.
163
00:06:19,999 --> 00:06:21,998
SOBBING
164
00:06:21,999 --> 00:06:23,998
What the fuck are you doing?
165
00:06:23,999 --> 00:06:25,998
I cut my thumb off.
166
00:06:25,999 --> 00:06:27,998
Look. Oh, Christ.
167
00:06:27,999 --> 00:06:30,998
There was someone in the garden,
a man in the bushes.
168
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:31,999
I got distracted.
169
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,998
Caught kimono in saw,
took hand with it.
170
00:06:34,999 --> 00:06:37,533
Where's the thumb?
Well, where did you last see it?
171
00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:38,998
On my fucking hand, you moron!
172
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:39,999
Where did it land?
173
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,998
I don't know, I was too busy
having my thumb cut off.
174
00:06:42,999 --> 00:06:45,399
Call an ambulance! Yep.
175
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,933
Oh, dear me, Ted,
put some clothes on.
176
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:48,998
I can see your aubergine.
177
00:06:48,999 --> 00:06:50,998
Ambulance, please.
He's cut his thumb off.
178
00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:52,800
Find it, find the thumb.
179
00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:54,998
My neighbour's
cut his thumb off on a...
180
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:58,998
..DeWalt DCS391 XR.
181
00:06:58,999 --> 00:06:59,999
Oh, nice bit of kit.
182
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,933
They want the fucking make?
183
00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:03,998
6 Fountain Close, SM5. Found it.
184
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,998
Going to need a rinse.
OK, thanks.
185
00:07:05,999 --> 00:07:08,399
We have to raise the arm and pack
the thumb in ice, apparently.
186
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,999
Leave it to me. I love a drama.
187
00:07:13,999 --> 00:07:16,133
TED MOANING
188
00:07:20,999 --> 00:07:22,667
Oh, it's cold.
189
00:07:26,999 --> 00:07:27,999
Snazzy kitchen!
190
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:49,132
I realise you're not
having the best day,
191
00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:50,998
but I really need
to borrow your car.
192
00:07:50,999 --> 00:07:52,998
We need to get April
to the hospital. Eurgh!
193
00:07:52,999 --> 00:07:55,998
There's no way your girlfriend's
leaking all over the Lambo.
194
00:07:55,999 --> 00:07:58,666
That interior's hand-rubbed leather.
195
00:07:58,667 --> 00:07:59,998
Can you do me a favour?
196
00:07:59,999 --> 00:08:02,666
Today of all days, could you just
dial back on the dick a bit?
197
00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:03,800
Dick?
198
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:04,998
I'm not the dick, YOU'RE the dick.
199
00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:06,933
You're a wedding DJ.
200
00:08:06,934 --> 00:08:07,998
Audiovisual events coordinator.
201
00:08:07,999 --> 00:08:09,998
Yeah, for weddings.
202
00:08:09,999 --> 00:08:11,998
I'm dicing with disability here.
203
00:08:11,999 --> 00:08:13,998
I haven't got time to worry
about the latest addition
204
00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:14,999
to your weird family.
205
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,998
What do you mean, weird? Well...
206
00:08:16,999 --> 00:08:20,399
You're out of ice, so I improvised
with some waffles.
207
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,998
MADONNA: Dad, Mum wants you!
208
00:08:21,999 --> 00:08:22,999
We're out here!
209
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:25,998
What is going on?
210
00:08:25,999 --> 00:08:28,998
It's Yul Brynner. I literally don't
know who any of these people are.
211
00:08:28,999 --> 00:08:29,999
Where's your hair?
212
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,998
Now, don't panic, love.
Your dad's had a bit of an accident,
213
00:08:32,999 --> 00:08:34,998
but it's all under control.
I'M her dad.
214
00:08:34,999 --> 00:08:36,998
What is that? No, no, don't look.
215
00:08:36,999 --> 00:08:38,533
You'll spoil the surprise.
216
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:39,998
I thought I was getting a car.
217
00:08:39,999 --> 00:08:42,266
Come on, we'll have to
take April in the Uber.
218
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:43,998
Ted, stay with me.
219
00:08:43,999 --> 00:08:45,998
How many fingers am I holding up?
220
00:08:45,999 --> 00:08:47,934
Are you taking the piss?
221
00:08:49,999 --> 00:08:51,998
Do you think I'm weird? Yes.
222
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,132
OK. Good. Honest.
223
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:55,998
I mean, who is she, anyway?
224
00:08:55,999 --> 00:08:57,266
Who? Your girlfriend.
225
00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:58,998
She's my girlfriend.
226
00:08:58,999 --> 00:09:00,998
Mum says you're having
a midlife crisis.
227
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,998
I'm not the one with
the yellow Lamborghini.
228
00:09:02,999 --> 00:09:05,998
No, you're the one dying your beard
and dating someone 20 years younger.
229
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:07,800
She's old enough to be your...
230
00:09:07,801 --> 00:09:08,999
..significantly older sister.
231
00:09:10,999 --> 00:09:13,998
Where have you been?
232
00:09:13,999 --> 00:09:15,998
I wanted this to be perfect!
233
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:19,998
But at this rate, our child's going
to be delivered by your ex-wife
234
00:09:19,999 --> 00:09:21,998
on these stairs.
235
00:09:21,999 --> 00:09:23,998
Thanks! It's not my fault.
236
00:09:23,999 --> 00:09:26,998
Have you got the car?
Ted won't let me use it.
237
00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:28,998
Oh, for Christ's sake.
What have you said to him this time?
238
00:09:28,999 --> 00:09:30,266
Well, to begin with,
239
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,998
"Why are you lying naked
on the patio covered in blood?"
240
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:34,998
What are you talking about?
He's cut his thumb off.
241
00:09:34,999 --> 00:09:37,801
What? No, please don't leave me!
242
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,998
Not off.
243
00:09:40,999 --> 00:09:41,999
He's just cut it.
244
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:42,999
Not off?
245
00:09:44,999 --> 00:09:46,999
Stuart, has he cut his thumb off?!
246
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,998
No.
247
00:09:49,999 --> 00:09:51,999
APRIL GROANS
248
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:57,399
We could all squeeze in the Uber.
249
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,999
Be here in a few minutes.
250
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,998
Right, time for a quick poo.
251
00:10:02,999 --> 00:10:04,998
Here we go.
252
00:10:04,999 --> 00:10:06,999
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
253
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:11,998
Charlie's here!
254
00:10:11,999 --> 00:10:12,999
Is that weed?
255
00:10:12,999 --> 00:10:13,999
No. Yes.
256
00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:43,933
FRONT DOOR OPENS
I've got a wounded soldier here.
257
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:47,132
Oh, Christ. Stuart, it's off!
It's totally off!
258
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,533
Sorry.
259
00:10:48,534 --> 00:10:50,998
Kate? Is that you?
260
00:10:50,999 --> 00:10:51,999
Oh, Ted.
261
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:52,999
Ambulance can't get here.
262
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,399
There's a herd of cows
blocking the road.
263
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,998
I'll stick the thumb in the freezer.
264
00:10:56,999 --> 00:10:59,533
Madonna, go and find
something for Ted to wear.
265
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,998
Everybody just chill.
It's only a bit of thumb trauma.
266
00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:04,266
They can work wonders
with a needle and thread.
267
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:05,998
Chin up, fella.
268
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,933
We'll jump in the cab
with these dudes.
269
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:09,534
APRIL MOANING
270
00:11:12,999 --> 00:11:14,998
KNOCKING
Jesus.
271
00:11:14,999 --> 00:11:15,999
Someone in here!
272
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,998
MORE KNOCKING
I'm busy!
273
00:11:17,999 --> 00:11:18,999
CHARLIE: Open up, I need a word.
274
00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:31,533
You all right?
275
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:32,998
Been shitting in the sink?
276
00:11:32,999 --> 00:11:35,998
No, it's beard dye.
Why are you here, Charlie?
277
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,933
Nothing to worry about.
278
00:11:37,934 --> 00:11:41,666
I think the police
might be after me.
279
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,666
But they're on
the Isle of Man, I'm over here,
280
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:44,998
so what are they going to do?
281
00:11:44,999 --> 00:11:46,399
What have you done?
282
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,399
Have you ever heard
of something called
283
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,533
a Ponzi scheme? Yeah.
284
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:52,998
I done a Ponzi scheme.
285
00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:54,399
Fuck. You're going to
end up back in prison.
286
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,933
Well, it weren't my fault
the arse fell out the Dow Jones.
287
00:11:56,934 --> 00:11:57,998
You're an idiot. Am I? Yeah.
288
00:11:57,999 --> 00:11:59,998
And this is the first place the
police are going to look for you.
289
00:11:59,999 --> 00:12:02,132
Oh, don't worry about that.
I kept off the roads.
290
00:12:02,133 --> 00:12:04,533
I garden-hopped
my way round the close.
291
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,998
Were you just in Ted's garden?
Yes. What's he building?
292
00:12:06,999 --> 00:12:07,999
A pagoda.
293
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,533
You can't stay here, Charlie.
I've got enough on my plate.
294
00:12:10,534 --> 00:12:13,998
Oh, well. If I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
295
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,998
What's that supposed to mean?
296
00:12:15,999 --> 00:12:17,533
You're a wedding DJ.
297
00:12:17,534 --> 00:12:19,998
How do you think you got
the mortgage on this place?
298
00:12:19,999 --> 00:12:21,399
I didn't, you did.
299
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,998
Did I?
300
00:12:22,999 --> 00:12:23,999
Didn't you?
301
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,999
KNOCKING
Shitting or chatting?
302
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:32,999
Isn't this great?
303
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,998
The Three Musketeers
crossing swords again.
304
00:12:36,999 --> 00:12:38,666
We must tell your mother.
305
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:41,998
Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me
since I started dabbling in cock.
306
00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:43,800
KATE: Cab's here!
307
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:44,998
You'd better go. Stuart!
308
00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:46,998
Get a move on!
309
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:47,999
Yep!
310
00:12:50,999 --> 00:12:52,998
That's it, deep breaths.
311
00:12:52,999 --> 00:12:56,998
You're a strong, powerful,
independent woman, just like me.
312
00:12:56,999 --> 00:12:58,998
Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.
313
00:12:58,999 --> 00:13:00,666
Oh, thank you, Kate.
314
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:03,998
When this is done, I'm going
to give you such a makeover.
315
00:13:03,999 --> 00:13:04,999
Breathe in the pain.
316
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,934
You breathe into the fucking pain.
317
00:13:07,999 --> 00:13:11,666
Come on, sunshine. Let's get
that digit attached, tout de suite.
318
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,998
Do you know? I feel fantastic.
319
00:13:13,999 --> 00:13:16,998
Dad, why did you order
an Uber pool?
320
00:13:16,999 --> 00:13:18,998
A what? There's two people
already in there.
321
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,998
Look after April. I love what
you've done with your head.
322
00:13:21,999 --> 00:13:24,998
Look, here's the deal. I've got
Ted here, who's a thumb down,
323
00:13:24,999 --> 00:13:26,666
and a young lady
about to pop a sprog.
324
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,998
You're going to have to give me
some wriggle room here, dudes.
325
00:13:28,999 --> 00:13:31,998
What's going on? There's only
two spaces left. We're late.
326
00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:34,998
All the roads are closed cos
of the bloody cattle incident.
327
00:13:34,999 --> 00:13:37,998
Please get out the fucking cab.
Hello, gentlemen.
328
00:13:37,999 --> 00:13:40,800
As you can see, we've got
a rather pressing situation here
329
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,132
and, while we appreciate your need
to get to your destination,
330
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:46,998
could you possibly see your way
to letting us hijack your vehicle?
331
00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:48,400
Let's go.
332
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,998
Ted! Oh!
333
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,998
Sod it, I'm taking his car.
Where are the keys?
334
00:13:55,999 --> 00:13:58,998
Well, there aren't any keys. It's
one of those fingerprint things.
335
00:13:58,999 --> 00:14:00,998
Oh, of course it is.
336
00:14:00,999 --> 00:14:02,998
You can't move him.
Yes, I can.
337
00:14:02,999 --> 00:14:05,133
HE STRAINS
Oh, please, just do something!
338
00:14:07,999 --> 00:14:10,999
Load him on the lounger.
Brilliant! Careful, careful.
339
00:14:13,999 --> 00:14:14,999
Oh, Ted!
340
00:14:21,999 --> 00:14:23,998
So, thought of any names, Stu?
341
00:14:23,999 --> 00:14:24,999
Not really.
342
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,399
My mum and dad thought
I was going to be a girl.
343
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,933
They were going to call me
Carol or Linda.
344
00:14:30,934 --> 00:14:32,266
I quite like Sue.
345
00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:33,999
Right.
346
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,400
Oh, God.
347
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,533
Come on.
348
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:44,999
Please, please, please.
349
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,800
Oh, shit!
350
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:47,999
Try the other hand, dude.
351
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,998
Oh, fuck! Oh, you don't think...?
352
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:00,999
Of course I do.
353
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,998
Better fetch the waffles.
They're in your freezer.
354
00:15:02,999 --> 00:15:05,533
It'll be frozen solid.
Bung it in the microwave.
355
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:07,999
It's not a lamb bhuna.
He'll be fine.
356
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:14,266
Back in a minute. Stuart!
357
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:15,998
Breathe out the baby!
358
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,266
LAUGHTER
359
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:18,998
Have you seen this?
360
00:15:18,999 --> 00:15:21,267
There's a load of cows
hanging about on the A232.
361
00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:25,000
Stu, do us a sandwich.
362
00:15:27,999 --> 00:15:30,933
I can't believe it.
My own brother, blackmailing me.
363
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:32,998
Oh, don't get your knickers
in a twist. I'll be out your hair
364
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,800
as soon as I've managed
to find an Airbnb in La Paz.
365
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:36,998
A week, tops.
366
00:15:36,999 --> 00:15:38,998
Three weeks max.
367
00:15:38,999 --> 00:15:40,933
What are you doing now? Nothing.
368
00:15:40,934 --> 00:15:41,998
Yay, best birthday ever.
369
00:15:41,999 --> 00:15:44,267
And Bob's your uncle,
classic gin sling.
370
00:15:46,934 --> 00:15:47,998
Oh...
371
00:15:47,999 --> 00:15:48,999
Eurgh!
372
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,998
Oh, shit! It's not working.
373
00:15:53,999 --> 00:15:54,999
I told you it is frozen solid.
374
00:15:54,999 --> 00:15:55,999
Shit! Don't panic.
375
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,266
Suck it.
376
00:15:57,267 --> 00:15:58,998
What? Suck his thumb.
377
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,998
No fucking way! You suck it.
378
00:16:00,999 --> 00:16:03,133
Not your Nelly.
Go on, give it a quick suck.
379
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:11,998
Oh, Gordon Bennett,
he's only gone and done it!
380
00:16:11,999 --> 00:16:14,998
Stop sucking my thumb, DJ.
381
00:16:14,999 --> 00:16:16,998
Fine, just get here
as fast as you can.
382
00:16:16,999 --> 00:16:18,998
Stuart, there's
a car two minutes away.
383
00:16:18,999 --> 00:16:20,533
What car?
384
00:16:20,534 --> 00:16:22,399
Ted and I got Madonna
a car for her birthday.
385
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,998
What, so you DID get her a car?
It's a Citroen C3.
386
00:16:24,999 --> 00:16:26,998
Ooh, snazz! It was supposed
to arrive this morning
387
00:16:26,999 --> 00:16:28,998
when she was getting her hair done.
388
00:16:28,999 --> 00:16:30,998
Great. Thanks very much.
389
00:16:30,999 --> 00:16:32,933
What's your problem?
390
00:16:32,934 --> 00:16:34,998
It's going to get your
girlfriend to hospital.
391
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:36,933
Yeah. But how does that
make me look?
392
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:37,998
Like a wedding DJ.
393
00:16:37,999 --> 00:16:38,999
Yes, all right, Ted.
394
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,998
BRAKES SQUEAL
Shit!
395
00:16:41,999 --> 00:16:43,998
Oh, shit. What? Charlie.
PHONE RINGS
396
00:16:43,999 --> 00:16:45,998
Take me to hospital!
397
00:16:45,999 --> 00:16:48,998
This is no longer beautiful.
With you in a minute.
398
00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:50,666
He's not here.
I haven't seen him in weeks.
399
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:51,998
And even if I had seen him,
which I haven't,
400
00:16:51,999 --> 00:16:54,998
I'd have been straight on the
phone to you guys. He's there.
401
00:16:54,999 --> 00:16:55,999
What?
402
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,998
Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.
403
00:16:57,999 --> 00:17:00,998
William Hope, I'm arresting you
for criminal damage. Oh, God.
404
00:17:00,999 --> 00:17:03,998
We have CCTV footage that clearly
shows you releasing several
405
00:17:03,999 --> 00:17:06,998
dozen cows from a local farm,
causing major traffic disruption.
406
00:17:06,999 --> 00:17:07,999
Well, I'd have to watch it back.
407
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,998
Though it does sound like me.
408
00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:10,999
What's happening, dude?
409
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,998
Dad got pissed
and broke into a farm.
410
00:17:12,999 --> 00:17:13,999
Yep, not interested.
411
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,998
There is a problem
with Madonna's car.
412
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:18,533
Unfortunately, my husband's
had a rather nasty accident
413
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:19,998
with a power saw.
414
00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:21,933
Do you have room to
take him to hospital?
415
00:17:21,934 --> 00:17:23,998
Thumb's in here,
flanked by a pair of waffles.
416
00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,666
I'd recommend haste.
It's on the thaw.
417
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,800
Right. Stick him in.
418
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:29,998
I'll finish the pagoda.
Don't bother.
419
00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:31,998
Can you take my girlfriend? Why?
420
00:17:31,999 --> 00:17:32,999
I'm having a baby.
421
00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:36,998
We'll be right behind you, darling.
422
00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:38,133
I love you, Kate Fundy.
423
00:17:40,999 --> 00:17:43,800
I love you, April Long-Carrington.
424
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,998
This is the best day of my life!
425
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,934
Yep.
426
00:17:49,999 --> 00:17:51,999
SIRENS BLARE
427
00:17:57,999 --> 00:18:00,933
Right, better get lunch on the go.
428
00:18:00,934 --> 00:18:02,998
I was going to have waffles.
429
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,998
Thanks, Barry. No, I had fun.
430
00:18:04,999 --> 00:18:06,999
Keeps the depression at bay.
431
00:18:08,999 --> 00:18:09,999
HORN TOOTS
432
00:18:14,999 --> 00:18:15,999
Sorry about the car.
433
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,998
Ploughed into a cow.
434
00:18:17,999 --> 00:18:18,999
Insurance'll cover it.
435
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,999
Happy birthday, Madonna.
436
00:18:22,999 --> 00:18:23,999
I got you some jeans.
41469
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