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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,660 --> 00:00:08,246
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,247 --> 00:00:11,666
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:14,627
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,628 --> 00:00:18,890
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:21,676
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,677 --> 00:00:23,177
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,178 --> 00:00:24,762
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:30,310
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:30,312 --> 00:00:34,771
For subtitling services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
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00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:37,150
Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
12
00:00:37,151 --> 00:00:38,651
Joe, why don't you shut the...
13
00:00:38,652 --> 00:00:41,320
Tell me more
about this silly word.
14
00:00:41,321 --> 00:00:43,197
It's this website, Zillow.com.
15
00:00:43,198 --> 00:00:45,450
You plug in your address,
and it gives you an estimate
16
00:00:45,451 --> 00:00:46,701
of what your house is worth.
17
00:00:46,702 --> 00:00:48,286
But they call it a Zestimate,
18
00:00:48,287 --> 00:00:49,912
because of the "Z" in "Zillow."
19
00:00:49,913 --> 00:00:51,456
(laughs)
20
00:00:51,457 --> 00:00:53,166
How do they...
21
00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:56,127
I just don't have
that creative bone.
22
00:00:56,128 --> 00:00:58,504
Wow, my house is way up
from when I bought it.
23
00:00:58,505 --> 00:01:00,548
- Mine's up, too.
- What the hell?
24
00:01:00,549 --> 00:01:03,342
Mine's way below
what you guys's are worth.
25
00:01:03,343 --> 00:01:05,303
Wait, this-this can't be right.
26
00:01:05,304 --> 00:01:08,306
It says... it says
my house is a murder house.
27
00:01:08,307 --> 00:01:10,850
What, like-like someone
was killed there?
28
00:01:10,851 --> 00:01:13,186
Yeah, it says...
it says, in the '60s,
29
00:01:13,187 --> 00:01:16,189
some woman named Doris
Billingsly died in my house.
30
00:01:16,190 --> 00:01:17,565
Probably some naggy bitch,
right?
31
00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:19,150
- Joseph!
- You know, they say
32
00:01:19,151 --> 00:01:21,360
when someone dies violently
like that,
33
00:01:21,361 --> 00:01:23,696
- their spirit can linger.
- What do you mean?
34
00:01:23,697 --> 00:01:26,407
I'm saying you might have
a g-g-g-g-g...
35
00:01:26,408 --> 00:01:28,785
disembodied spirit
in your house!
36
00:01:28,786 --> 00:01:30,286
Wow, this is so cool.
37
00:01:30,287 --> 00:01:32,622
Have you ever witnessed
anything strange there?
38
00:01:32,623 --> 00:01:34,917
Actually,
now that you mention it...
39
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:36,834
Good news!
40
00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:38,629
The biopsy was negative.
41
00:01:39,671 --> 00:01:41,673
Did you hear something?
42
00:01:44,635 --> 00:01:46,637
♪ ♪
43
00:01:52,684 --> 00:01:54,393
Hi, Chris.
44
00:01:54,394 --> 00:01:56,312
Oh, hey, Kristen.
What's up?
45
00:01:56,313 --> 00:01:58,231
Not much.
I wanted to know
46
00:01:58,232 --> 00:02:00,660
if you're gonna go
to the dance on Friday.
47
00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:01,901
Nah, probably not.
48
00:02:01,902 --> 00:02:03,402
Oh, that's too bad.
49
00:02:03,403 --> 00:02:06,656
I was thinking maybe
you and I could go together.
50
00:02:06,657 --> 00:02:09,158
Oh, that's sweet,
but, like I said,
51
00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:11,536
I-I don't think I'm gonna go.
52
00:02:11,537 --> 00:02:13,204
Well, if you change your mind...
53
00:02:13,205 --> 00:02:14,330
I said no!
54
00:02:14,331 --> 00:02:15,832
Okay. Geez.
55
00:02:15,833 --> 00:02:17,166
Bye, Chris.
56
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:20,169
Uh, Chris,
that very attractive girl
57
00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:22,338
just asked you out,
and you said no.
58
00:02:22,339 --> 00:02:25,299
Well, sorry, Brian,
she just doesn't do it for me.
59
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:26,300
I'm hungry.
60
00:02:26,301 --> 00:02:28,302
I might grab a bite to eat.
61
00:02:28,303 --> 00:02:29,762
We all just ate, right?
62
00:02:29,763 --> 00:02:31,347
What's wrong with that kid?
63
00:02:31,348 --> 00:02:32,849
Why wouldn't he go out
with that girl?
64
00:02:32,850 --> 00:02:33,767
Who knows? Maybe he's gay.
65
00:02:33,768 --> 00:02:35,590
What? No.
66
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:36,894
Well, you never know.
I say we find out.
67
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,312
You think he could be?
68
00:02:38,313 --> 00:02:40,189
Hey, I've been right
about these things before.
69
00:02:40,190 --> 00:02:42,525
Remember what I said in 2009?
70
00:02:42,526 --> 00:02:44,527
- Bruce Jenner is a man.
- No, Brian.
71
00:02:44,528 --> 00:02:47,290
That's what the press would
have you believe, but he's not.
72
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,781
Bruce Jenner is a woman.
73
00:02:48,782 --> 00:02:52,869
An elegant,
beautiful Dutch woman.
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00:02:52,870 --> 00:02:55,747
(thunder crashing)
75
00:03:00,127 --> 00:03:03,713
Okay, guys, now, the murder took
place down here in the basement,
76
00:03:03,714 --> 00:03:06,841
so it's probably our best shot
at finding something.
77
00:03:06,842 --> 00:03:09,427
I do feel a presence in the air.
78
00:03:09,428 --> 00:03:13,556
CLEVELAND:
Only Lucifer would reveal
himself to you, adulterer.
79
00:03:13,557 --> 00:03:15,683
Well, now, I have
to warn you fellas--
80
00:03:15,684 --> 00:03:19,520
the only spirits I'm used to
chasing are whiskey and tequila.
81
00:03:19,521 --> 00:03:21,523
(laughing)
82
00:03:23,525 --> 00:03:26,111
That's so Joe!
83
00:03:27,196 --> 00:03:29,363
(bowling pins clacking)
84
00:03:29,364 --> 00:03:31,449
Wow, what's going on down here?
85
00:03:31,450 --> 00:03:32,825
Trying something new for Joe.
86
00:03:32,826 --> 00:03:34,660
And we're looking for ghosts.
87
00:03:34,661 --> 00:03:37,455
We're like the male version
of the female Ghostbusters.
88
00:03:37,456 --> 00:03:39,707
Peter, there's no such thing
as ghosts.
89
00:03:39,708 --> 00:03:42,835
I don't know why you guys
listen to a word he says.
90
00:03:42,836 --> 00:03:45,422
(chuckles):
That's so Lois.
91
00:03:46,298 --> 00:03:48,257
(cash register dings)
92
00:03:48,258 --> 00:03:49,759
All right, we ready?
93
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,594
QUAGMIRE:
Wow, it is creepy.
94
00:03:51,595 --> 00:03:52,887
So, what do we do?
95
00:03:52,888 --> 00:03:54,347
PETER:
Just follow my lead.
96
00:03:54,348 --> 00:03:56,182
Are there any spirits present
97
00:03:56,183 --> 00:03:58,476
that would like
to communicate with us?
98
00:03:58,477 --> 00:03:59,602
(thunder rumbles)
99
00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:01,200
- (Peter screams)
- (thumping)
100
00:04:01,210 --> 00:04:02,689
QUAGMIRE:
What the hell was that?
101
00:04:03,857 --> 00:04:06,484
I got scared and tried to run
through the wall,
102
00:04:06,485 --> 00:04:08,611
leaving a hole shaped like me.
103
00:04:08,612 --> 00:04:11,156
Yeah, can't do that
in a basement, bud.
104
00:04:13,951 --> 00:04:16,786
All right, fellas, I just
finished up an EVP session.
105
00:04:16,787 --> 00:04:18,537
Let's see
if we picked anything up.
106
00:04:18,538 --> 00:04:19,414
What's EVP?
107
00:04:19,415 --> 00:04:21,249
Electronic voice phenomenon.
108
00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:24,100
Oftentimes, the human ear
can't pick up paranormal sounds,
109
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,295
but electronic
recording devices can.
110
00:04:26,296 --> 00:04:28,340
Mm. That right?
111
00:04:30,425 --> 00:04:31,760
(Peter on recording)
112
00:04:34,429 --> 00:04:36,180
(passes gas)
113
00:04:36,181 --> 00:04:37,307
(gasps)
114
00:04:40,102 --> 00:04:42,645
(passing gas)
115
00:04:42,646 --> 00:04:45,640
Is this whole thing just you
beefing into the microphone?
116
00:04:45,650 --> 00:04:46,649
Yeah.
117
00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:50,945
Dad, they did this bit
in the lady Ghostbusters.
118
00:04:50,946 --> 00:04:53,115
Did you hear something?
119
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:59,954
Stewie, I'm telling you,
there's no way Chris is gay.
120
00:04:59,955 --> 00:05:01,580
Oh, why,
because he never hit on you?
121
00:05:01,581 --> 00:05:03,916
God, the ego.
122
00:05:03,917 --> 00:05:04,751
(door opens)
123
00:05:04,752 --> 00:05:06,377
Hey, Chris. What's up?
124
00:05:06,378 --> 00:05:09,297
Just relaxing, listening to some
of Charles Manson's music.
125
00:05:09,298 --> 00:05:10,881
What's up with you guys?
126
00:05:10,882 --> 00:05:13,259
Actually, Brian and I
are taking a survey,
127
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:15,386
and we wanted to see
if you had a few minutes.
128
00:05:15,387 --> 00:05:16,387
Sure. Go ahead.
129
00:05:16,388 --> 00:05:17,680
Okay, question one.
130
00:05:17,681 --> 00:05:19,932
What night are the Tony Awards?
131
00:05:19,933 --> 00:05:22,477
Tony Danza has awards?
132
00:05:24,479 --> 00:05:26,814
Name an appropriate price
to pay for jeans.
133
00:05:26,815 --> 00:05:29,192
Um, five dollars?
134
00:05:30,652 --> 00:05:32,403
What year
did Bette Midler release
135
00:05:32,404 --> 00:05:33,904
"You've Got to Have Friends"?
136
00:05:33,905 --> 00:05:36,730
Oh, 1972.
137
00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:39,745
And it was fabulous!
138
00:05:44,458 --> 00:05:45,417
Chris, are you gay?
139
00:05:45,418 --> 00:05:47,793
What? No, I'm not gay.
140
00:05:47,794 --> 00:05:49,712
Well, then why didn't you go out
with that girl?
141
00:05:49,713 --> 00:05:51,255
(chuckles)
Why would I?
142
00:05:51,256 --> 00:05:55,920
I have everything I need in
that department on my computer.
143
00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:59,960
You have 28 windows of porn
playing simultaneously?
144
00:05:59,970 --> 00:06:02,558
Sometimes I pretend I'm
at the security desk at the mall
145
00:06:02,559 --> 00:06:05,436
and everyone at the mall
is banging each other.
146
00:06:05,437 --> 00:06:06,896
Chris, don't you see?
147
00:06:06,897 --> 00:06:09,231
You're so desensitized
by all this porn,
148
00:06:09,232 --> 00:06:11,233
you're-you're not
even interested in actual girls.
149
00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:13,110
Wh-What are you doing?
150
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,279
I'm taking this, and we are
gonna help you start thinking
151
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:16,989
about sex
like a normal teenager.
152
00:06:16,990 --> 00:06:18,657
A-All right,
I'll give it a shot.
153
00:06:18,658 --> 00:06:20,284
But it's not gonna be easy.
154
00:06:20,285 --> 00:06:22,912
I had a hell of a time
getting off sugar.
155
00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:24,372
Chris, can you pass the syrup?
156
00:06:24,373 --> 00:06:26,374
Oh, you want the syrup,
old man?!
157
00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:28,377
(grunting)
158
00:06:30,462 --> 00:06:31,629
(shouts)
159
00:06:31,630 --> 00:06:32,963
Yeah!
160
00:06:32,964 --> 00:06:34,882
(cackling)
161
00:06:34,883 --> 00:06:36,300
(laughs)
162
00:06:36,301 --> 00:06:38,469
Yeah, nice attached head, Meg.
163
00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:40,679
Body, throw potatoes.
164
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:41,806
(grunts)
165
00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:43,558
Winner declared!
166
00:06:46,978 --> 00:06:49,730
Okay, guys, now, I thought
we could try to find the ghost
167
00:06:49,731 --> 00:06:51,148
by doing the movie Flatliners.
168
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:52,733
- I've never seen it.
- Me, neither.
169
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:54,944
Oh, my God. All right, we are
stopping everything right now
170
00:06:54,945 --> 00:06:56,612
and watching Flatliners.
171
00:06:56,613 --> 00:06:58,572
KENNY LOGGINS:
♪ I'm all right... ♪
172
00:06:58,573 --> 00:07:00,699
I'm glad we switched
to Caddyshack.
173
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,770
You know what, Peter, I think
I've had enough ghost hunting.
174
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:04,745
- I'm done, too.
- Yeah, I'm out.
175
00:07:04,746 --> 00:07:06,288
Wait, why you leaving?
176
00:07:06,289 --> 00:07:07,832
Because all you do
is screw around.
177
00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:10,418
We've been down here for hours,
and we haven't found a thing.
178
00:07:10,419 --> 00:07:12,628
Well, maybe that's because you
guys don't know the first thing
179
00:07:12,629 --> 00:07:13,838
about catching ghosts.
180
00:07:13,839 --> 00:07:14,922
You know what, Lois was right.
181
00:07:14,923 --> 00:07:16,215
We should just
never listen to you.
182
00:07:16,216 --> 00:07:17,633
Come on, guys.
183
00:07:17,634 --> 00:07:19,802
I think you're all just scared.
184
00:07:19,803 --> 00:07:22,721
Oh, yeah?
Let's see who's scared.
185
00:07:22,722 --> 00:07:24,683
What are you doing?
Turn that light back on.
186
00:07:25,559 --> 00:07:26,934
QUAGMIRE:
Have a good night, Peter.
187
00:07:26,935 --> 00:07:29,103
- (pounding)
- PETER: Quagmire. Help!
188
00:07:29,104 --> 00:07:30,229
Someone help me!
189
00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:32,398
Hey! Open this door!
190
00:07:32,399 --> 00:07:34,608
Don't leave me alone
with the ghost!
191
00:07:34,609 --> 00:07:36,819
(Peter whimpers in distance)
192
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:40,720
Help! Help!
193
00:07:40,730 --> 00:07:41,282
Help!
194
00:07:41,283 --> 00:07:44,160
Help! Help!
195
00:07:44,161 --> 00:07:48,748
- Help! Help!
- (heavy metal music playing)
196
00:07:52,419 --> 00:07:53,419
(Peter whimpers)
197
00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:54,503
What the hell?
198
00:07:54,504 --> 00:07:55,755
(Peter whimpers)
199
00:07:56,882 --> 00:07:59,216
- (gasps)
- (whimpers)
200
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,302
Peter, are you okay?
201
00:08:01,303 --> 00:08:03,762
I was... down here all night.
202
00:08:03,763 --> 00:08:05,807
So dark.
203
00:08:08,590 --> 00:08:10,227
Oh, my God. Peter, your hair.
204
00:08:10,228 --> 00:08:12,313
It turned white.
205
00:08:12,314 --> 00:08:13,731
What?
206
00:08:13,732 --> 00:08:15,483
♪ ♪
207
00:08:15,484 --> 00:08:17,276
(gasps)
208
00:08:17,277 --> 00:08:20,290
Well, I'm a fat dad
with white hair now.
209
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,657
Time to become an issue
at Hooters after 9:00 p.m.
210
00:08:23,658 --> 00:08:24,909
Hey, Ashley. Ashley.
211
00:08:24,910 --> 00:08:26,911
Ashley.
212
00:08:26,912 --> 00:08:29,581
I know...
I know what car is your car.
213
00:08:36,338 --> 00:08:38,297
So, how'd you get
white hair again?
214
00:08:38,298 --> 00:08:40,299
He was scared of a ghost.
215
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:42,593
Yes, I remember hearing
about this in med school.
216
00:08:42,594 --> 00:08:44,110
Or was it a Scooby-Doo?
217
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,550
You think it's gonna stay,
Dr. Hartman?
218
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,182
No, it's gonna be
"Dr. Ramirez" now.
219
00:08:48,183 --> 00:08:49,683
I'm taking my husband's name.
220
00:08:49,684 --> 00:08:51,810
I'm talking about Peter's hair.
221
00:08:51,811 --> 00:08:53,896
Oh, I'm sorry. (chuckles)
Wedding on the brain.
222
00:08:53,897 --> 00:08:57,660
But, uh, as for the white hair,
I'm afraid it's permanent.
223
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:58,317
(phone rings)
224
00:08:58,318 --> 00:08:59,902
Hi, sweetie.
225
00:08:59,903 --> 00:09:01,237
We've discussed this.
226
00:09:01,238 --> 00:09:02,738
No to the mole.
227
00:09:02,739 --> 00:09:05,449
Chocolate is for cake,
not chicken.
228
00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:07,760
Oh, come on.
229
00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:08,869
He's crying.
230
00:09:08,870 --> 00:09:11,413
What do I do now?
I mean, should I dye it back?
231
00:09:11,414 --> 00:09:12,623
(chuckles nervously)
232
00:09:12,624 --> 00:09:14,375
I don't know why
you'd ask me that.
233
00:09:14,376 --> 00:09:16,293
I mean, I-I don't know anything
about that.
234
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,128
How does one even go about
dyeing one's hair?
235
00:09:18,129 --> 00:09:19,838
I've never heard
of anything so crazy.
236
00:09:19,839 --> 00:09:21,549
Let me get that for you, Doctor.
237
00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:23,217
What? Oh, no, I'm-I'm not a...
238
00:09:23,218 --> 00:09:25,135
Morning, Doctor.
239
00:09:25,136 --> 00:09:27,540
Wow, Peter,
they all think you're a doctor
240
00:09:27,550 --> 00:09:28,764
because of your white hair.
241
00:09:28,765 --> 00:09:31,392
I have to say, it does make you
look more distinguished.
242
00:09:31,393 --> 00:09:33,352
Really? Huh.
243
00:09:33,353 --> 00:09:35,604
Well, maybe this will be
a good thing after all.
244
00:09:35,605 --> 00:09:37,274
Like a garbageman with no nose.
245
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:41,652
Well, this is the best job
in the world!
246
00:09:41,653 --> 00:09:43,700
Rotting meat?
247
00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:44,863
What does that smell like?
248
00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:46,323
Oh, look, receipts.
249
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:48,784
I'll steal
this person's identity.
250
00:09:48,785 --> 00:09:51,495
From now on,
I'm Robert Dibadeaux.
251
00:09:51,496 --> 00:09:53,747
So long, stinkies!
252
00:09:53,748 --> 00:09:56,418
Not that I would know.
253
00:09:59,296 --> 00:10:01,297
All right, Chris,
it's gonna take a few steps
254
00:10:01,298 --> 00:10:02,631
to get you off hard-core porn.
255
00:10:02,632 --> 00:10:04,592
Now, the first step
is soft-core porn,
256
00:10:04,593 --> 00:10:05,926
where nothing really happens.
257
00:10:05,927 --> 00:10:07,428
(TV clicks on)
258
00:10:07,429 --> 00:10:10,889
Oh, wow, she is just riding
that guy's belly button.
259
00:10:10,890 --> 00:10:12,933
Yep, that's all we had.
260
00:10:12,934 --> 00:10:15,895
And you could watch this
at any time?
261
00:10:15,896 --> 00:10:18,522
No, just Friday at 11:45 p.m.
262
00:10:18,523 --> 00:10:19,773
And it was free?
263
00:10:19,774 --> 00:10:21,734
No, $45 a month.
264
00:10:21,735 --> 00:10:24,612
Well, what was playing
the other 200 hours per week?
265
00:10:24,613 --> 00:10:27,281
Uh, mostly D.A.R.Y.L.
The movie D.A.R.Y.L.
266
00:10:27,282 --> 00:10:28,449
Was it any good?
267
00:10:28,450 --> 00:10:30,750
It was okay.
268
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,369
Grandpa,
what are you doing here?
269
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,246
Using the bathroom.
Where do you keep the nets
270
00:10:34,247 --> 00:10:36,123
that you put on the bottom
of guys' balls
271
00:10:36,124 --> 00:10:38,830
to stop 'em
from dunking in the water?
272
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:39,376
- What?
- What do you mean, "What?"
273
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:42,254
(rhythmically):
Where do you keep the nets
274
00:10:42,255 --> 00:10:46,258
that you put on the bottom
of guys' balls
275
00:10:46,259 --> 00:10:50,263
to stop them
from dunking in the water?
276
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,893
Oh, there's my silver fox.
277
00:10:55,894 --> 00:10:57,978
What are you doing out here?
278
00:10:57,979 --> 00:10:59,355
Well, now that I've got
white hair,
279
00:10:59,356 --> 00:11:01,190
I fix my car in slow motion
280
00:11:01,191 --> 00:11:04,260
in an ad for a supplemental
blood thinner.
281
00:11:04,270 --> 00:11:05,653
- (soft piano music playing)
- I took Zanbrex
282
00:11:05,654 --> 00:11:07,237
for over 15 years,
283
00:11:07,238 --> 00:11:10,115
till I learned the benefits
of once-daily Sanguelto,
284
00:11:10,116 --> 00:11:12,284
a latest-generation
blood thinner.
285
00:11:12,285 --> 00:11:15,287
When I'm at a multiracial
picnic for some reason,
286
00:11:15,288 --> 00:11:17,665
the last thing I want to do
is have a stroke.
287
00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:19,917
And thanks
to once-daily Sanguelto,
288
00:11:19,918 --> 00:11:23,128
I can eat potato salad
with chuckling strangers
289
00:11:23,129 --> 00:11:24,922
with the confidence
of someone who knows
290
00:11:24,923 --> 00:11:28,133
he's 12% less likely
to suffer a stroke recurrence.
291
00:11:28,134 --> 00:11:30,302
Thanks to Sanguelto,
I can snuggle
292
00:11:30,303 --> 00:11:32,888
with my age-appropriate wife
on a blanket
293
00:11:32,889 --> 00:11:35,391
underneath
non-holiday-related fireworks.
294
00:11:35,392 --> 00:11:37,851
I left her for six weeks
back in 2009,
295
00:11:37,852 --> 00:11:39,853
only to realize
I was already too old
296
00:11:39,854 --> 00:11:41,563
to bed the type of women
297
00:11:41,564 --> 00:11:43,857
that would make
such a separation worth it.
298
00:11:43,858 --> 00:11:45,776
So, here we are,
grinding it out
299
00:11:45,777 --> 00:11:47,611
till one of us has
that second stroke
300
00:11:47,612 --> 00:11:49,446
that you don't come back from.
301
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,741
Thank you, Sanguelto.
302
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,370
What's all this?
303
00:11:56,371 --> 00:11:58,539
Well, a lot of kids'
first foray into sex
304
00:11:58,540 --> 00:12:00,666
is looking
at someone else's porn stash.
305
00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:03,430
So, here's a stack
of water-stained Playboys
306
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,754
that I found in a locker
at the town pool bathroom.
307
00:12:05,755 --> 00:12:08,299
Okay, now we're talking.
308
00:12:10,510 --> 00:12:12,100
(whooshing)
309
00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:14,120
Wait. I'm clicking
on this thumbnail,
310
00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:15,889
but the video isn't opening.
311
00:12:15,890 --> 00:12:17,266
No, that's a still image.
312
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:18,642
See, you look at them,
313
00:12:18,643 --> 00:12:21,437
and then your brain sort of
creates a scene for you.
314
00:12:21,438 --> 00:12:24,231
I don't know. I think maybe
we should try something else.
315
00:12:24,232 --> 00:12:26,240
I think
you should give it a shot.
316
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,485
I think we should all
go investigate
317
00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:31,739
the still-unsolved murder
of Doris Billingsly,
318
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:35,750
who never did anything
but overcook one dinner
319
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,580
in March of 1962.
320
00:12:42,959 --> 00:12:44,753
All right, I got next round.
321
00:12:47,881 --> 00:12:49,381
Hey, Tom, you okay?
322
00:12:49,382 --> 00:12:50,841
She left me.
323
00:12:50,842 --> 00:12:53,677
Another sign from the universe
that I'll never find love.
324
00:12:53,678 --> 00:12:56,765
Hey, come on, pal. There's
plenty of fish in the sea.
325
00:13:01,186 --> 00:13:02,978
Wow.
326
00:13:02,979 --> 00:13:05,314
You're right. There are.
327
00:13:05,315 --> 00:13:08,150
Say, you've got a way about you,
328
00:13:08,151 --> 00:13:11,690
a certain...
trustworthy quality.
329
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:12,321
You know, we've got an opening
330
00:13:12,322 --> 00:13:14,310
at the station
for a senior analyst.
331
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,408
I think your white hair
would be perfect for it.
332
00:13:16,409 --> 00:13:18,160
Wow. Really? What do I do?
333
00:13:18,161 --> 00:13:21,246
You just act like everyone else
is an idiot and shout over them.
334
00:13:21,247 --> 00:13:23,165
- That way, you can...
- Shut up! I get it!
335
00:13:23,166 --> 00:13:24,708
Terrific.
Hey, why don't you come down
336
00:13:24,709 --> 00:13:26,430
to the station tomorrow and...?
337
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,421
- I know where you work!
- Again, terrific.
338
00:13:29,422 --> 00:13:31,480
Wow, this is awesome.
339
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:34,468
I haven't been on TV since
I had IBS on The Bachelorette.
340
00:13:34,469 --> 00:13:37,638
Derek,
I had such a magical weekend.
341
00:13:37,639 --> 00:13:39,598
You are truly one of a kind.
342
00:13:39,599 --> 00:13:41,160
(loud stomach grumbling)
343
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:42,643
And that's why
I've decided to...
344
00:13:42,644 --> 00:13:45,312
Excuse me. Uh, do-do you know
if I'm gonna get a rose?
345
00:13:45,313 --> 00:13:47,105
We're getting to that, Peter.
346
00:13:47,106 --> 00:13:50,567
Derek, that's why I've decided
to give you this rose.
347
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,270
(stomach grumbling
and squealing)
348
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,780
Evan, getting to see
your softer side was truly...
349
00:13:54,781 --> 00:13:55,864
- (stomach growling)
- Excuse me.
350
00:13:55,865 --> 00:13:57,658
I hate to be a bother,
but do you...
351
00:13:57,659 --> 00:13:59,576
do you know
if I'll be receiving a rose?
352
00:13:59,577 --> 00:14:00,953
Because if there's, uh,
further delay,
353
00:14:00,954 --> 00:14:02,538
I believe
something's gonna happen
354
00:14:02,539 --> 00:14:04,832
that will put me
out of contention for a rose.
355
00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:06,291
(stomach gurgles loudly)
356
00:14:06,292 --> 00:14:07,626
And that thing just happened.
357
00:14:07,627 --> 00:14:09,127
Farewell, and thank you
358
00:14:09,128 --> 00:14:11,339
for feeding me champagne
and shrimp all day.
359
00:14:15,927 --> 00:14:17,553
Reporting live
from Quahog Prison,
360
00:14:17,554 --> 00:14:19,596
I'm Joe Horrigan,
Channel Five News.
361
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,890
Thanks, Joe.
Great reporting, terrible eyes.
362
00:14:21,891 --> 00:14:23,642
Switching gears now,
I'd like to talk
363
00:14:23,643 --> 00:14:25,727
about the crime situation
here in Quahog.
364
00:14:25,728 --> 00:14:28,939
Joining me now is white-haired
contributor Peter Griffin.
365
00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:31,817
Peter, what are you hearing
about crime in Quahog?
366
00:14:31,818 --> 00:14:34,611
Uh... you know, not much.
367
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:37,240
Not much?
Excuse us for one moment.
368
00:14:38,783 --> 00:14:39,992
- What are you doing?!
- What?
369
00:14:39,993 --> 00:14:41,535
I don't know anything
about crime.
370
00:14:41,536 --> 00:14:44,121
So? People want to know that
bad stuff's going on out there.
371
00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:45,497
That's why they watch the news.
372
00:14:45,498 --> 00:14:47,708
- You want me to make stuff up?
- I don't know.
373
00:14:47,709 --> 00:14:49,710
I thought you had white hair.
374
00:14:49,711 --> 00:14:52,796
- You're right, I do.
- Of course you do.
375
00:14:52,797 --> 00:14:55,424
(gasps, giggles)
376
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:57,467
Now, you were talking
about crime?
377
00:14:57,468 --> 00:14:59,469
Crime is way up,
and you know why?
378
00:14:59,470 --> 00:15:00,762
'Cause of immigrants.
379
00:15:00,763 --> 00:15:02,306
I say, as Americans,
380
00:15:02,307 --> 00:15:04,933
we should all take a pledge
to kick 'em out.
381
00:15:04,934 --> 00:15:08,313
Only pledge I stand for
is Lemon Pledge.
382
00:15:10,356 --> 00:15:12,942
(squeaking)
383
00:15:14,694 --> 00:15:17,905
Peter Griffin, white hair, very
credible, thank you so much.
384
00:15:17,906 --> 00:15:20,532
Coming up,
lost dog comes home...
385
00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:22,826
one piece at a time.
386
00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:24,662
(news theme music plays)
387
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,124
Peter, that was amazing.
388
00:15:29,125 --> 00:15:30,792
I'm the news director
here at Channel Five.
389
00:15:30,793 --> 00:15:33,337
How would you like to do
what you just did every night?
390
00:15:33,338 --> 00:15:34,922
Wipe a bloody booger
under the desk?
391
00:15:34,923 --> 00:15:37,900
No, I'm asking you
to join us full-time
392
00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:38,884
to be our permanent
senior analyst.
393
00:15:38,885 --> 00:15:41,511
Would you excuse me
while I step into another room
394
00:15:41,512 --> 00:15:44,807
and celebrate like a girl in a
rom-com who just got good news?
395
00:15:47,268 --> 00:15:49,603
Aah! The Sanguelto!
396
00:15:49,604 --> 00:15:51,940
My blood's thinner than water!
397
00:15:53,441 --> 00:15:55,359
- (soft piano music playing)
- If taking Sanguelto,
398
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,778
please refrain
from dancing like in a rom-com,
399
00:15:57,779 --> 00:15:59,613
as nosebleeds may be permanent.
400
00:15:59,614 --> 00:16:02,449
And remember, most drugs
are prescribed to you
401
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:04,701
because a hot girl
with a rolling suitcase
402
00:16:04,702 --> 00:16:06,704
gave your doctor a free pen.
403
00:16:14,504 --> 00:16:16,797
Peter, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
404
00:16:16,798 --> 00:16:19,675
Who says you can just make
things up and call them facts?
405
00:16:19,676 --> 00:16:21,635
Tom Tucker did.
He kissed me.
406
00:16:21,636 --> 00:16:24,120
You have a responsibility
as a member of the press
407
00:16:24,130 --> 00:16:26,223
to report the news accurately.
408
00:16:26,224 --> 00:16:29,935
You can't just say crazy things
that aren't in any way true.
409
00:16:29,936 --> 00:16:33,439
JOE (laughing): Yeah, leave that
to the yahoos in D.C.
410
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,650
- Did that get a "That's So Joe"?
- No!
411
00:16:36,651 --> 00:16:38,360
Okay, well,
what are the rules on that?
412
00:16:38,361 --> 00:16:40,700
We're still working that out.
413
00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:42,447
Well, let me know
when you decide on the rules.
414
00:16:42,448 --> 00:16:45,325
I'm really excited
about working on this.
415
00:16:45,326 --> 00:16:47,245
With you guys.
416
00:16:51,290 --> 00:16:53,959
Chris, welcome
to the lingerie department.
417
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,419
What are we doing here?
418
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:58,500
When I was young, seeing
these half-naked mannequins
419
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,715
was all I needed
to get me going.
420
00:16:59,716 --> 00:17:01,133
What's the endgame here--
421
00:17:01,134 --> 00:17:03,100
him walking around Macy's
with a chub?
422
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,220
No, we've got
to reset his arousal meter.
423
00:17:05,221 --> 00:17:07,806
He needs to be able
to use his imagination again.
424
00:17:07,807 --> 00:17:09,933
Any of these mannequins
doing anything for you, Chris?
425
00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:11,935
Uh, I don't know.
426
00:17:11,936 --> 00:17:14,646
I guess the one
without a head is pretty cool.
427
00:17:14,647 --> 00:17:16,690
All right, that's...
that's something.
428
00:17:16,691 --> 00:17:20,680
And that bin of chopped-up ones
over there-- that could be okay.
429
00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:23,113
'Specially the one
that looks kind of afraid.
430
00:17:23,114 --> 00:17:25,157
There you go. Look at you.
431
00:17:25,158 --> 00:17:27,325
Sounds like someone is ready
for that date.
432
00:17:27,326 --> 00:17:28,702
Do you gentlemen need any help?
433
00:17:28,703 --> 00:17:30,162
No, thank you, dear.
434
00:17:30,163 --> 00:17:32,832
We're just trying
to get my brother to full mast.
435
00:17:35,668 --> 00:17:38,628
We want to welcome back our new
permanent senior analyst,
436
00:17:38,629 --> 00:17:40,630
Peter Griffin
and his white hair.
437
00:17:40,631 --> 00:17:42,424
What's the latest
on crime in Quahog?
438
00:17:42,425 --> 00:17:44,843
- Tom, crime is up.
- Wow. How high?
439
00:17:44,844 --> 00:17:47,346
- All the way to the top.
- Whoa. The top.
440
00:17:47,347 --> 00:17:49,848
Has it ever been all the way
to the top before, Peter?
441
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:52,100
Never. In fact,
we had to raise the top.
442
00:17:52,101 --> 00:17:54,811
So, the new top is even higher
than the old top?
443
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,605
Yes, the old top
is now the middle.
444
00:17:56,606 --> 00:17:58,315
And The Middle is a show
445
00:17:58,316 --> 00:18:00,901
that was inexplicably on ABC
for a very long time.
446
00:18:00,902 --> 00:18:02,319
How many seasons?
447
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,571
It might be, like, 11.
I'm not even kidding.
448
00:18:04,572 --> 00:18:07,366
Peter Griffin, white hair, very
credible, thank you so much.
449
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:09,576
Coming up,
we'll tell you where to look
450
00:18:09,577 --> 00:18:12,330
when a person has a birthmark
on their face.
451
00:18:16,334 --> 00:18:18,919
So, Chris, have you weaned
yourself off of Internet porn?
452
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,130
Wait. I thought the whole point
was to not wean myself off.
453
00:18:22,131 --> 00:18:25,175
No, Chris, I mean,
have you stopped...? Never mind.
454
00:18:25,176 --> 00:18:27,594
- You ready for your date?
- You bet I am!
455
00:18:27,595 --> 00:18:28,679
(knocking)
456
00:18:31,641 --> 00:18:33,225
Hi, Chris.
457
00:18:33,226 --> 00:18:34,226
(laughing)
458
00:18:34,227 --> 00:18:36,190
Hi, Kristen.
459
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,480
Ready to see a Marvel movie,
'cause I chose?
460
00:18:38,481 --> 00:18:40,899
Sure. And for sure
this is a real date,
461
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:42,234
and me and the popular kids
462
00:18:42,235 --> 00:18:45,280
aren't gonna
thrill-kill you tonight.
463
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,697
I think
Chris is gonna be just fine.
464
00:18:47,698 --> 00:18:49,617
(high-pitched beeping)
465
00:18:50,827 --> 00:18:53,495
Which is more than I can say
for our pizza.
466
00:18:53,496 --> 00:18:56,206
(both laughing)
467
00:18:56,207 --> 00:18:57,708
Oh, man.
468
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:08,135
Well, I hope you're happy.
469
00:19:08,136 --> 00:19:11,346
You're telling lies on the news
just to boost your own ego.
470
00:19:11,347 --> 00:19:13,181
It's pronounced "Eggo," Lois,
471
00:19:13,182 --> 00:19:15,308
and I will thank you
to leggo of mine.
472
00:19:15,309 --> 00:19:17,144
Peter, fake news
is a real problem
473
00:19:17,145 --> 00:19:18,854
in this country right now,
474
00:19:18,855 --> 00:19:21,898
and I really don't want
my husband contributing to it.
475
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:23,775
Maybe you're right.
476
00:19:23,776 --> 00:19:26,690
It doesn't feel good
lying all the time.
477
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:27,696
I guess I just like
all the attention
478
00:19:27,697 --> 00:19:29,447
that came along
with having white hair.
479
00:19:29,448 --> 00:19:32,159
Well, I don't think that's
the kind of attention you want.
480
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,161
And it's certainly not
the kind of attention
481
00:19:34,162 --> 00:19:35,704
I want for our family.
482
00:19:35,705 --> 00:19:38,498
You know what?
If it means that much to you,
483
00:19:38,499 --> 00:19:40,667
I'll tell Tom
that I won't do it anymore.
484
00:19:40,668 --> 00:19:42,669
- Really?
- Really.
485
00:19:42,670 --> 00:19:45,172
Oh, Peter,
that makes me so happy.
486
00:19:45,173 --> 00:19:47,674
(phone ringing)
487
00:19:47,675 --> 00:19:49,593
Hello? Donald Trump?!
488
00:19:49,594 --> 00:19:51,344
You saw me on the news?
489
00:19:51,345 --> 00:19:54,431
You want me to be your press
secretary in the next episode?
490
00:19:54,432 --> 00:19:55,974
Why, sure, I'd love to!
491
00:19:55,975 --> 00:19:58,143
We'll get started drawing it
right away.
492
00:19:58,144 --> 00:19:59,644
Lois, pack your bags.
493
00:19:59,645 --> 00:20:02,814
We're joining
the Trump Administration.
494
00:20:02,815 --> 00:20:06,319
(grunting)
495
00:20:08,529 --> 00:20:11,310
Just what Washington needs, huh?
496
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,949
Another talking head.
497
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,826
(Peter giggles)
498
00:20:14,827 --> 00:20:17,380
- (both laugh)
- Oh, man.
499
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:22,250
ANNOUNCER:
Next week on Family Guy...
500
00:20:22,251 --> 00:20:25,860
Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.
501
00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:28,590
Pleased to meet you, Meg.
You have a beautiful rack.
502
00:20:28,591 --> 00:20:29,799
Oh, thanks.
503
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,940
I was talking to my daughter.
504
00:20:39,185 --> 00:20:42,437
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
505
00:20:42,438 --> 00:20:45,274
- (applause and cheering)
- (burlesque music plays)
506
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,112
(cheering and whistling)
507
00:20:51,447 --> 00:20:53,574
(whooping)
508
00:20:59,121 --> 00:21:01,916
Just wanted to remind you fellas
what you're all fighting for.
509
00:21:32,947 --> 00:21:34,907
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Media Access Group at WGBH
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