All language subtitles for The Exes s01e01 Pilot.eng

Come on, Stuart.

Come on, this is exactly what
you need right now.

Moving in with a bunch
of divorced guys

would mean that I've
given up hope.

That my marriage to Lorna
is over.

Stuart, as your attorney,
let me assure you,

your marriage to Lorna is over.

Remember? She signed the papers
a week ago.

That doesn't mean anything.

In the darkest ink
I have ever seen.

- Well, maybe she was...
- She said, "yay."

Holly, I'm sorry.

It's just...
I miss being married.

I miss my wife.
I miss my house.

No, Stuart,
no more missing, okay?

Remember what we've practiced?

"I'm a divorced man,
and I'm ready to move on."

I'm a divorced man,

and I'm ready to move on.

- Did you mean it?
- Not really.

That's the spirit.

You know, what if they don't
want a roommate?

I mean, are you sure?

I mean, what if they
don't like me?

What if I don't like them?

How long have they been
divorced?

Stuart, I answered less
questions to pass the bar.

Now, stay here.
Why?

Because I wanna be the one
to give them the good news.

Come insky.

Oh, hey, Haskell, it's...

hold onsky.

I am seconds away from selling

300 Official World Cup
Vuvuzelas.

- These loud, annoying horns?
- Yeah.

How much are you gonna make?

Well, after processing,

taxes, shipping and handling,

I should clear...

Nothing.

Hey-hey.

Did someone order
six feet of sexy?

Phil, does a line like that
ever work?

Apparently, it does.

Holly, I want you to meet
the lovely...

- Alicia.
- Alicia.

Alicia is a very accomplished...

- Waitress.
- Waitress!

Right, waitress!

Right, yeah.

Yeah, actually,
Alicia was leaving.

She has to get back
to the, um...

Restaurant?

Yes, yes.

Okay, guys, I have great news.

I found a roommate
for that third bedroom.

I didn't know we were looking.

Well, that is how

all great roommate stories
begin.

So the mother Hen's taking in
another stray.

Well, may I remind you,

you were one of those strays.

So was Haskell.

What's he like?

Oh, you know, easy-going.

Really respects boundaries.

Super-cool, super-cool.

You know, when you lie,
you say everything twice.

No, I don't.
No, I don...

picking a new roommate
is a delicate matter.

He's gotta fit in.
Take Haskell and I.

We've said, what,
12 words to each other

in the last month?

- If that.
- Yeah.

We got a good thing going.

We don't get involved
in each other's lives.

You know, I don't know
what you had for breakfast.

I don't even know
your last name.

- Fist bump.
- Too intimate.

Right.

All right, well,
I'll take 200 bucks off

next month's rent
if you guys take him.

You're marking the guy down?

It's not a good sign.

All right, well, the offer
expires in 30 seconds.

He's here, isn't he?

No, he's not.
No, he's no...

open the door.

All right.

Stuart... oh, hi.
Come in.

I want you to meet Phil chase.

Hey, buddy, how's it going?

- Good to meet you.
- That's Haskell Lutz.

Hi, what's up.

Uh, first of all,
I want to thank you guys

for, uh, letting me live here
in the man cave.

And, uh, just so we get off
on the right foot,

I want you to know that I
am gonna do my share.

Where's, uh...
where's your chore schedule?

We don't have one.

Well, then, I guess we've
found our first chore.

Hollyyyyy.

Oh, this is so adorable.

I smell bromance in the air.

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Ah, good morning, Haskell.

I made my special scramble
for breakfast

to celebrate our first morning
of living together.

So you're gay, huh?

No, I'm not gay.

Hey, I could care less.

But if you are,
I'm not gonna walk around

in my underwear.

I don't want to be a tease.

Ah, good morning, Phil.

I made eggs.

Awesome.

I didn't even know we had pans.

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Whatcha thinking?

I'm thinking I paid someone
half my money

to never hear
that question again.

Yeah, yeah, you know,

marriage... marriage is a tricky
little devil, isn't it?

I know with mine...
Look, look.

Stuart, this apartment
is a sharing-free zone.

Just think of me as the guy
at the urinal.

Nod.
Say nothing.

Keep it moving.

Who is it?

Your overworked
and underpaid assistant.

Hi-hi.

Wow.

Looks like somebody's got
a night of partying

ahead of 'em.

Oh, by 6:00 A.M.,
I hope to be looking

at the club stamps on my hand,

trying to figure out which one
I left my panties at.

It's always good to have goals.

Hey, so how's it going
with Stuart?

Oh, you know,
it's been a couple days,

and I have not heard a peep
from the boys across the hall.

I think it's going
really nicely.

Holly, why do you care so much
about these guys?

Huh. I-I think it's because
as their divorce attorney,

I see them at their lowest,
you know.

They're like broken birds,
and they just need somebody

to fix their wings.

- Mm-hmm. I knew it.
- Mm.

My mother says you immerse
yourself in these guys' lives

to distract yourself
from dealing with your inability

to sustain a meaningful
relationship of your own.

But what does she know?
She's just a therapist.

I'll get it.

Heyyy.

Hi.

Phil, off.

She looks like someone threw
a hot chick

in the dryer.

Phil, what do you want?

Oh, Holly, he's killing me.

Stuart is killing me.

You have to take him back.

No, you're kidding me.
How bad could it be?

How bad could it be?

I'll show you how bad
it could be.

I call this,
"hi, Phil, it's me."

Sit down.

Hi, Phil, it's me.

Just wondering what time
you'll be home for dinner.

Hi, Phil, it's me.
Do me a favor.

Pick up some asparagus
to go with my roast.

Hi, Phil, it's me.

Make it white asparagus.
It's just more fun.

Hi, Phil, it's me.

I wanna have a guys' night out,

you, me, and Haskell.

Hey, have you seen Jersey Boys?

Hi, Phil, it's me.

Hi, Phil, it's me.

Hi, Phil, it's Sandy.

I miss you.

That address you gave me
must've been wrong,

because it's a vacant lot.

Crazy Sandy's
a whole 'nother nightmare.

All right, look, I...

I know Stuart's
a little overeager,

but he's just trying to fit in.

Well, tell him to fit in
back with his wife.

That's all he talks about,

getting back together with her.

There is no getting back.

Stuart doesn't know this,

but she's already seeing
someone else.

I think they're living together.

It just would kill him
if he found out.

Oh.

That's not good.

Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I'm gonna be late
for work tomorrow.

Honey, tomorrow's Saturday.

I'm gonna be late
for work Monday.

Sandy.

Hey, h-how'd you find out
where I lived?

Stuart told me.

Guilty.

Yeah, I was in your room,
folding your socks...

well, uh, rolling them.

Well, uh, folding.

Uh, fold-rolling them.
You'll see.

And, um, phone rang.
It was Sandy.

If Stuart hadn't picked up
that phone,

I was never gonna call again.

But he did!

Huh?

Stuart?
Kitchen.

Don't be long, Philly-willy.

So I like Sandy.
She's nice.

She's nuts.

I've been avoiding her
for a month.

W-why are you avoiding her?

She seems to really like you.

She told me all about that
great Alaskan cruise

she's planning for you
and her parents.

What's wrong with that?

We went on a coffee date...

Once.

And her parents died in 1986.

Oh, that's just crazy.

Listen, Stuart.

You have no business
going in my room,

messing with my socks,

or answering my phone.

Old reflex, you know.

When you're married,
you answer each other's phones.

We're not married.

Dude, I'm not your wife.

But I'm starting to see
why she left you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

No, come on.
Come on, Phil.

You got something to say?
Say it.

Okay.

Fine.

You're needy.

You're clingy.

You're stifling me, Stuart.

You're like my ex-wife,

but without
the expensive breasts.

All right, I might be clingy

and a little needy,

but at least I'm capable
of making

a real human connection.

You know what, Phil?

I hope that one day you realize

you need people, too.

It's not just me.
He lives here, too.

Haskell, please.

Tell him how he's driving you
outta your mind.

I'm in my room last night.

He comes in, demands I put down
my computer

and have a conversation.

Thank you for a beautiful
evening.

Are you happy?

You've ruined Haskell!

You ruin everything.

That's it.
That's it!

I don't stay
where I'm not wanted.

I'm gonna pack my bags and go.

Excellent!

But before I go,

I got something
I wanna say to you.

Bring it on!

I wanna thank you for giving
me a place to live

and taking me in these last few
days it meant a lot to me!

Phil?

Well, if it isn't the world's
sexiest sportscaster.

Hey, you.

What are you doing
in town, Bree?

I flew in
to do the Knicks pre-game.

And that new guard you represent
is crushing it, what!

You look amazing.

Thank you.

What do you say
we blow this place

and go somewhere quieter?

I'd love to... But.

Hello.

You must be the But.

Phil, meet Jill.

She flew in with me.

We're making it a girls' night.

Where she goes, I go.

Well, uh, tell you what.

Why don't we make it
a double date?

I'll go get
my roommate Haskell.

That guy from the couch

who tried to sell me
the reversible shoes?

I don't think so.

Let's make it another night.

No, no, wait.
Look.

I have another roommate.

A new one.
I'll go get him.

Well, what's he like?

I wanna have a good time.
Is he fun?

Is he fun?
Is he fun?

He's so fun,
he knocks my socks off!

And then he folds them
and puts them in my drawer.

I'll be back!

Hey, Stuart.
How you doing, buddy?

Don't worry, Phil... I'll be out
of your life in just a minute.

What's the rush?

Look.

I know some things
were said before.

Some very hurtful things.

Let's just say
some things were said.

But I'm willing
to put that behind us

and start over.

I don't get it.
Why the sudden turnaround?

The truth?

Well, you know,
I was downstairs at the bar,

and I just couldn't stop
thinking about you.

My heart was hurting.

Hurtin' real bad.

Deep in my soul.

Why do I think
this is about your soul

getting into
another soul's pants?

Okay, you're right.

But this girl's special.
Her name's Bree.

And we've had a thing
for each other for years.

But I need you to take
her friend off my hands.

Uh, uh, sorry, did...

did you just say you need me?

- Well, yeah.
- Uh-huh.

- So...
- What you're saying is

sometimes you can't do
everything alone,

hence you need meeeee.

Fine, I need you.

Say it like you mean it.

I... need...you.

Are you happy?

Getting there.

Great.
So you'll do it.

On one condition.

Ask me to stay.

Will you stay?

Stuart!

Sorry, just enjoying
the moment.

Yeah, I'll stay.

- Great!
- All right, all right.

I'll see you down there
in a few minutes.

You're gonna be able to pull
this off, though, right?

I mean, I know you've been out
of the game for a while.

Come on, hey.
Trust me.

I'm a player.

Uh, a playah.

Would... is...
is it "play-er" or "play-ah"?

If you have to ask, neither.

Stuart, are you sure
you're even ready

to go on a date?

No.

But I want to do it for Phil.

And we only have a few minutes.

All right. Okay.

Well, I'll get you
through this.

Uh, let's do
a little role-playing.

- All right, go ahead.
- Hi, I'm holly.

You must be Stuart.

Uh, hi, Holly.
Nice to meet you.

Uh, what do you do
for a living?

I'm an attorney.

Oh, that's very impressive.

- Thank you.
- You know, my wife, Lorna...

What's wrong?

You're on a date,

and you said the word wife?

Why don't you just wear a sign

that says,
"please run from me"?

Uh, so, um, let me tell you

a little bit about myself.

Uh, recently divorced.
Bummer, right?

But, um, my new motto is
ready, set, life!

- Yeah, lose the motto.
- Yeah.

Okay, um, uh,

how about you, Holly?

Ever been married?

Nope.
I was engaged once.

Really? What happened?

Oh, I don't wanna talk
about it.

Holly, come on.

Really.

You know everything
about my life.

I know nothing about yours.

That's true.

All right.

Um, well...

When I got engaged,
I bought the apartment

you guys are living in.

And a few days
before the wedding,

I went to check and see
if the baseboards

were being installed properly,

and the only thing being nailed
was my fiance.

Wow, that...

That, um...

That must've been traumatic.

No wonder you bury yourself
in your work.

I do not.

I have a date.
I have a date.

In fact, you should go.

He'll be here any minute.

That must be him.

Okay, we both know
that was the microwave.

All right.

Yeah, and I rescued them
from the burning flames.

Psh, lesson learned.

Never barbecue
a thin piece of fish.

Hey, uh, Bree.

You want a tour
of the apartment?

Hmm.
I'd love one.

Yeahhh.

I'm proud of you, man.

Keep it up!

- Sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.

So, uh, tell me more about you.

I, uh, I want
to get to know Jill.

Uh, well, I'm a realtor,

although I've always wanted
to write children's books.

- Oh.
- But my husband, Larry, says...

I find when dating,

it's best not to bring up
the exes.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little nervous.

I'm... I'm kind of new
to this dating thing.

Oh, that's cool.
That's cool.

I was, uh, I was once
a rookie, too.

Well, um, how long have you
been back on the scene?

About an hour and a half.

Well, you...
you don't show it.

I mean, you seem so
self-assured,

so confident.

Well, you know,
it's just survival.

Hmm.

I mean, life goes on.

And being with you tonight

and looking into those big,
beautiful eyes

makes me realize how much...

I miss my wife.

You remind me of my husband.

He was a crier, too.

He was so sensitive.

He was so sweet.

He sounds like a great guy.

He was.

I should never have given up
so soon.

Yeah, and that's
what I'm doing.

It's... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jill.
I'm...

I'm not ready to move on.

I'm... I'm going home.

I'm gonna convince my wife
to take me back.

Well, good luck.

It was really nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Hey, Haskell.
Where's, uh...

where'd Stuart and Jill go?

You want the long
or the short version?

Short.

Well,

I was online
buying styrofoam peanuts.

FYI, the beauty is
that when you ship them,

they require no packing
materials.

Suddenly, I hear this woman
crying her eyes out.

Turns out it was Stuart.

Uh, Haskell.

Shorter.

Ah.

Stuart ran home to try
and convince his wife

to take him back,

leaving Jill on the couch,
alone and vulnerable.

But apparently
not that vulnerable.

Stuart went home?

He can't go home.

If he sees his ex-wife
with her new boyfriend,

it's gonna destroy him.

Well, if you leave now,

you might just catch him.

Baby!

What's keeping that wine?

I would kill for this dilemma.

Okay, here it is.

Oh, thank God.
Stuart isn't here yet.

How'd we beat him
to his own house?

Well, if he drives
like he packs,

he should get here
sometime tomorrow.

Wow, there's Stuart.

With his wife.

He must've done
some convincing.

- Yeah.
- Way to go, Stu.

Hi, guys.

- Oh, Stuart.
- Stuart.

What are you doing here?

- What are we doing here?
- Um...

We, uh, came to see
your world-famous lawn.

Oh, no, but we don't like it

as much as that.

Look at that.
Oh, yeah.

That's Kentucky blue seed.

Pricey.

What's going on?

I'm sorry, man.

Are you okay, Stuart?

What are you doing?

I am looking for a rock

to throw through that window.

You were right, Phil.
You said I never get mad.

I don't express my anger.

Huh-huh, well, watch this.

Stuart, as your attorney,

I'm going to have
to advise you...

is that the biggest rock
you can find?

There's gotta be a bigger one.

- Bigger rock.
- Come on.

Ooh, look at that.

I can't believe
you threw that rock.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was the one
with the hide-a-key in it.

So next time my ex-wife
gets locked out,

it's gonna be
super-inconvenient.

You said it.

What? Said what?

That's the first time
you've said ex-wife.

I did, didn't I?

You did.

It didn't feel so bad.

Wow.

It's all because of you guys.

Oh, I just knew
this was gonna work out.

I still can't believe

you gave up
a beautiful woman for me.

Why?

Well, you had my back tonight.

And I know how it feels.

You know, I could've, uh,
used some help

when I found out my wife
was cheating on me.

I can't believe
I just told you that.

Well, I am gonna make
frittatas,

and we are gonna talk about it.

Yes.

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