All language subtitles for Silicon Valley - 1x03 - Articles of Incorporation.HDTV.KILLERS.en

The greatness of human accomplishment
has always been measured by size.

The bigger, the better.

Until now.

Nanotech.

Smart cars.

Small is the new big.

In the coming months,
Hooli will deliver Nucleus,

the most sophisticated compression
software platform the world has ever seen.

Because if we can make your
audio and video files smaller,

we can make cancer smaller.
And hunger. And AIDS.

What an asshole.

Why would he announce it so
far ahead of the actual rollout?

No one does that.

He's got to be doing it
just to fuck with us, right?

I actually think we're
ok. The player I gave them

was from a retired repository
that was audio only.

Video compression is a
completely different paradigm.

What they have is like
Pied Piper, but not as good.

- People will see that.
- Not if they get to market before us.

Inferior products win out all the time.

Like Jesus over Satan.

I was going to say VHS over Beta.

Ok, well, actually this is a
superior product, right here.

Is it a margarita machine?

It's better.

My first official purchase
as CEO of Pied Piper.

That's not really our logo is it?

It looks like a guy sucking a dick

and he's got another dick
tucked behind his ear for later.

- Like a snack dick. It does.
- No, it's... it's Pied Pipe...

Here, put them on.

Gilfoyle, come on.

I don't want it.

Jared, I bought these
t-shirts with my credit card

but I think I'm close
to being maxed out, so...

Yeah, um, we may have
a little problem there.

Peter Gregory's check. So?

So, it's made out to
"Pied Piper Incorporated,"

I checked with the
Secretary of State website,

and there's already a "Pied
Piper" operating in California.

So we need to change our name.

- Thank God!
- Praise the dark lord, that's great news.

No, it's not great news.
We love the name Pied Piper.

It's a classic fairy tale.

Well, I looked it up.

It's about a predatory flautist

who murders children in a cave.

It has all of that going for
it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Richard, if we are going to change
the name, we need to do it now.

Names stick. My name's only Jared because
Gavin called me that on my first day.

My real name is Donald.

But, Jared, we already
bought the t-shirts.

I can't take these back.
It was an online order.

What is that atrocity?

What are we, an Irish pornography company?

I thought we were gonna
replace the name "Pied Piper."

I thought it was a Place Holder.

"PlaceHolder" would honestly be
a better name than Pied Piper.

Richard, I've actually been holding
off telling people I'm the co-founder

of "Pied Piper" because frankly,

it's a little embarrassing.

Well, um, just to remind you,
you are not the co-founder.

So please don't tell anyone.

Richard, take Aviato. That's not a
name I found, it's a name that found me

on a vision quest.

Something that you should do.

No, no. I'm not gonna eat a bunch of drugs

and sit out in the desert,

and hope some name
randomly pops in my head.

Well, then I question your leadership.

Richard, a name defines a company.

It has to be something primal, something
that you can scream out during intercourse.

Like Aviato.

Uuuuber!

Gooooogle!

Huuuuuulu!

Exactly, right. Pied Piper!

I'm so sorry. Your voice doesn't really reach
that register when you ejaculate, does it?

No, it's just, everyone was
doing it, I was just chiming in.

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You guys, we can't change our name.

I can't go into Peter Gregory's
office with a new name,

and ask him to cut me a new check.

I mean, he's pulled funding
from companies for a lot less.

Uh, the Pied Piper name and trademark are
registered to a sprinkler company in Gilroy.

I guess you could head
out there and talk to them.

- But they may refuse...
- Ok. No, no, no. I'll negotiate with them.

No offense, Richard, but
you're not a strong negotiator.

- I'm a great negotiator, Dinesh.
- You're a terrible negotiator.

I'm a decent negotiator.

Just, so...

Oh, Peter, you're here. Uh...

We were supposed to meet 40 minutes
ago with the guys from Astraphile

about the emergency capital injection.

As we discussed, our North
Carolina plant went sideways.

So we need 15 million now
or we'll have to shut down.

Have any of you ever
eaten at "Burger King"?

Yes...

Why?

Well, I was just driven past one.

And while I know their market
cap is seven billion dollars-plus,

I realize I am unfamiliar
with their offerings.

Ok, fine.

But what does that have to do...

Is it popular among your peers?

Is it enjoyed?

- People seem to like it.
- Yeah, it's ok.

And their selection consists
solely of these burgers,

of which they are presumably king?

They have other things. Chicken, fish.

I'm sorry. What are we doing here?

Here is what we will do.

Monica, have one of the assistants
go to the nearest burger king location

and purchase one of everything.

Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh.

I'm on the phone with the bank and they say
they need an extra form for your payroll,

because of your visa?

Visa? What visa?

I'm a fucking us citizen.

I have Dinesh Chugtai here,
and he's pretty irate because...

Oh, I see.

Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national

citizen of Canada.

Ok, thank you.

You're Canadian?

Your "borders" are merely a construct.

I prefer to think of myself
as a citizen of the world.

Do you mind just sending them the
form so they know you're here legally?

Yes, I mind.

And also I may not be.

To wit, maybe you could
make out my checks to cash?

Or bitcoin.

I didn't know I was
working with an illegal.

The irony.

Well, sometimes we do center pivot,

but mainly we do lineal
like you see out there.

What is it your business does again?

Something to do with algebra?

Uh... algorithm, actually.

It's for compression.

Ultimately what we're trying to do is...

You remind me of my son.

He's got asperger's too.

Oh, no, I don't uh...

Probably all those pesticides
they put on the crops.

Well, whatever it is your business does,

I don't think it's going to interfere
with my irrigation company here.

I'm thinking about getting in
another line of work anyway.

All these foreigners coming over here,

putting pieces of shit like that all
over the good farmland around here.

All so people can sit around,
stare at their phones all day.

Nobody jerks off to magazines any more.

Uh, well, actually, that is a server farm.

What we do, compression,

would mean fewer of those, because
we'd save a lot of memory space.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm all for that, believe me.

I'll tell you what.

You can have the name
for a thousand dollars.

How's that sound?

Uh, that sounds great!

Yeah, cool.

Oh, tremors, too, huh?

Just like my boy.

Go for Erlich.

This is Richard Hendricks,
CEO of Pied Piper.

That's right. You guys said I was
a bad negotiator, but I closed it!

We got a name. Tell everyone you know.

Oh, all right.

You don't sound that impressed.

No, no, I am.

I just...

Now we're Pied Piper. So, later.

Here you go.

You must drink a lot of margaritas huh?

We will now.

I have a startup that just got funded

so this is just kind of a
gift for my guys to celebrate.

Hup...

Good luck with that.

You'll need, too, it when this
town kicks you in the balls.

- Ok. Sure.
- Let me get the door for you.

I had three startups, myself,

and I couldn't get those sand hill
road morons to fund any of them.

Cowards. My last company was genius.

Have you ever been lost
in a parking lot before?

Uh...

What app would do is use
existing AvL technology, right?

So you'd type in the VIN number. And
if you car didn't have AvL capabilities

you would just type in whatever
section of the parking lot you were in,

like P3, or ground seven.

So you just, you just write down what
section of the parking lot you're in?

Why do you need an app for that?

So you can remember where you parked.

Right, uh, but why don't you
just write it down on paper?

Well, yeah. But this is for your phone.

Ok, so it's just sorta like notepad?

- Exactly! See? You get it.
- Yeah. I get it.

Why can't all those fucking VCs?

Pussies, man.

Oh, there we go, thanks.

This is which one?

The BK double stacker.

Fascinating...

Peter, I know that you are

incredibly busy with... this.

But I made a personal promise to the Astraphile
guys that none of their employees would lose

their job, which will
happen at midnight to...

Do you see this?

The junior whopper?

No, not the sandwich.

This seed... Atop the breading.

Those are sesame seeds.

A high number of these breadings
have sesame seeds on them.

Billions of breadings.

Sesame seeds.

They only grow in certain microclimates.

Peter, I know you don't want to cause

a hundred and seventy
three people in North...

Cicadas.

- Gentlemen!
- Hey!

It's our own personal Herb Cohen!

- Who?
- Herb Cohen.

He's a famous negotiator.
Wrote a bunch of textbooks.

- No?
- What?

Have you seen the blogs?

No.

Erlich went ham on all the tech sites.

He hit TechCrunch, Recode, and PandoDaily.

Listen to what Kara swisher says.

"Individually", says Erlich
Bachman, "We are formidable.

But when you combine our portfolios,

Peter Gregory and I account for
billions of dollars in assets.

We at Pied Piper look
forward to giving Gavin Belson

and the donkeys at Nucleus
a run for their money."

What a dick.

It's the guy with the name.

Hello, Arnold.

Cut the shit.

I just read Recode.net.

You read Recode?

I do when my customers tell me

the name of my company's
all over the Internet.

But you'd probably think I'm just out here
shitting in a hole and wiping with my hand.

No, no, no, I don't think you do that.

Do people think you do
that? Do you do that?

No, no, no!

I'm not falling for that
phony, mumbley-mouth,

googly-eyed routine again.

If you're this tech billionaire,

why did I give you the name
Pied Piper for next to nothing?

You played me.

You want the name, it's
going to cost you 250 grand.

Ok, I think you just need to
talk to the guy who said all that.

And he can clear it up for you.

- Where's Erlich?
- He's outside with the intern.

What intern? You got interns?

We might as well have interns,
we hire illegal aliens.

- What?
- No, no. We don't have either of those things.

I'll tell you what, asshole,

you use the name Pied Piper
again, I'm going to call my lawyer

and we're gonna sue the shit out of you.

- Fucking billionaires.
- Arnold? Arnold, hello?

- That sounded sub-optimal.
- Yeah, it was.

Hey, Jared, you know who else is Canadian?
Justin Bieber, the Hitler of music.

Do you have a problem
with me being Canadian?

I do, actually.

Do you have any idea how long
it took me to become a citizen?

Did it take you a long time?

I'm glad I didn't do it then.

Typical lazy immigrant.

These people think they can
just walk into this country...

I did just walk into this country.

My car broke down on the ambassador bridge.

It took me an extra 15 minutes to
get across the border. Major hassle.

You know, Hitler actually
played the bassoon.

So, technically, Hitler
was the Hitler of music.

I don't understand. I
thought you closed the name.

Well, I guess it's still a
little ajar, I don't know.

Who am I, Herb Cohen?

- I don't know who that is.
- Neither do I.

That's a... That's a Jared thing.

Hey! Make sure to clean off all
the gunk off the front bumper, ok.

And since when do we
have an intern program?

We don't. And when Keith finds that out,

it's gonna be a valuable
business lesson for him.

What? Those are the Pied Piper shirts!

- Are you Richard?
- Yeah. Yes.

Ok, look, I fucked up. What do we do now?

Who's "we"?

This morning you rudely reminded me

that I wasn't a founder
of this company and now

you want me to hold your
hand and help you out?

I don't think so, sister.

This credit card is no good.

Declined.

Great. Great.

That stupid margarita machine maxed me out.

So now the CEO of Pied Piper
can't even afford to buy lunch.

Yeah, I don't think we
can use that name anymore.

Dude! Dude, hey. I owe
you a big apology, man.

I had no idea who you were before
and I read all this coverage

about your company online, and
I was like, "Hey, Pied Piper!

I met this dude! He came into the store

and told me my parking
app was fucking awesome!"

I did?

Yeah, so my mom was like, "Wow, really?

You should really pursue it!"

And I was like, "Yeah, I should."

The parking app?

So she decides to get a
reverse mortgage on her home

and write me a check.

- Ooh...
- So I'm funded!

Because of you, man.

I was this close to giving up, and
now you gave me my dream back, man!

- But...
- Oh, hey, Ron!

You see this guy? This billionaire here?

He's the reason why I'm quitting!

- Jamie, you don't...
- Well, you've helped me so much,

what can I do for you?

Well, I need to return this machine

because I'm broke, and
I need money for food.

Just a quick question.

Uh, is this gonna be a cash return,
or does it credit back to the card?

All right, what about
Smaller, spelled "S-M-L-L-R"?

You know, because we make things smaller,

and this would be like a smaller
version of the word "smaller".

- It looks like "Smeller".
- Ok.

What if we spell it...

"S-M-L-R"?

Because that's an even smaller
version of the word smaller.

Then it looks like "Smiler".

We're not gonna kick the shit

out of "Nucleus" with "Smiler."

Where's Richard? Why
isn't he in here for this?

I think he was out back, wishing
he'd taken the ten million dollars.

No, I just saw him in his room, wishing
he had taken the ten million dollars.

You know "smiler" is also something
that guys call women's assholes.

Richard, why aren't you in
there, coming up with new names?

I don't want a new name. I want Pied Piper.

But, apparently, I can't have that.

So now I have to come up with a new name

and take that to Peter
Gregory and ask for a new check

he's gonna know pull our funding,
Gavin Belson's going to crush us,

and we will be ruined because
I have no idea what I'm doing.

Neither did Zuckerberg when
he was running Facebook at 19.

You think he had any real-world
business experience? No. None.

But he was such a tough negotiator that
now all of his friends are suing him.

How awesome is that? And Steve Jobs?

He took a shit-ton of hallucinogens.

What a coincidence.

Maybe something that you could actually do.

I'm not going on some fucking vision quest.

Ok, let me get this straight, you
would rather do nothing than something?

Because all the guys in the other room

coming up with shitty names like,
"Smallulator," are at least doing something.

Fine. I'll just do it myself.

I'll be back in 24 to 72 hours.

Have a cold pitcher of water and
some orange slices ready for me.

You know what, I'm really
gonna go for this motherfucker

so you better have some
grapefruit ready, too.

I'm gonna come back with a name so amazing
that Peter Gregory will write us ten checks.

What about, "Dwarfism 2.0"?

Where's "Dwarfism 1.0"?

Just in the world.

- Oh.
- That's prejudice.

- That's hurtful.
- I'm sorry.

Small, come back now, are you here?

Interesting.

Hey! That is not cherry garcia.

Sorry, Gilfoyle. Company business.

And who's hiding drugs? Shocker,
it's the illegal immigrant.

What about mine-imize,
like "minimize" but "mine".

Yeah.

Hello, Mr. Garris.

Yes, this is Richard from the company

that is rightly called Pied Piper.

That's right.

No, no, no. You listen to me.
Ok. We had a handshake deal.

And that may not mean a lot to you, but
where I come from, that means a whole lot.

Ok, you agreed to sell me that
name for a thousand dollars.

So let me ask you this? Are you an
honest man or are you a goddamn liar?

Ok. Yes, same address?

Good, yeah, great. See you then.

Dude, that was fucking
badass. What did he say?

He said he was gonna get in his truck,

drive down here and beat
the living shit out of me.

Why did you say that was your address?

- Say any other address.
- I don't know.

He's got a very powerful voice.

What are we gonna do?

If you keep screaming your name,

it forces the assailant to
acknowledge you as a human.

It is now 5:35pm and I have
ingested the psilocybin.

I have started the countdown timer

and I will be reaching Sonora
and nirvana in approximately...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

He's here, that's him.

He came.

- Should I call 911?
- No, that's a pussy move.

- Yeah, it's a pussy move.
- Shhh.

Just shush.

Just stay here until he goes away, please.

I'm looking for Pied Piper.

You know where it is?

This is Pied Piper.

No, no, no. It's a company.

Like a big, big office.

Do you know where that is?

Yeah, this it. Here. Pied Piper.

No...

Uh...

Hi, Arnold.

I'm Richard. I'm Richard. I'm Richard.

- Donald. I'm Donald.
- Richard. Richard...

- Jared. I'm Jared.
- Richard, Richard, Richard.

- Gilfoyle. Gilfoyle.
- My name is Richard.

- Jared, Jared.
- Richard, Richard.

- Gilfoyle, Gilfoyle.
- Jing Yang. Jing Yang. Jing Yang.

Sysbit Digital Solutions.

Integrating open data spaces.

Yeah.

TechBitData Solution Systems.

Creating unique cross
platform technologies.

Technologies. Technolo-Jesus.

Oh, fuck!

So this is Pied Piper?

This is a billion dollar company?

Not even close. Not yet.

You pack a lot of guys in here.

It reminds me when I started
Pied Piper in my garage.

I kind of miss those days.

Oh, yeah?

I'll tell you what.

Five thousand bucks and the name is yours.

Well, the thing is we agreed on a thousand.

Fine, four grand.

Look, that's not the deal.

- We shook on it.
- Two thousand. Final offer.

We could do two. That's reasonable.

No, we can't do two, Jared.
It's not reasonable at all.

Look, we shook hands on a
thousand dollars. That's the deal.

Ok. A grand.

But you gotta throw in some gas money.

- I drove all the way out here.
- To come to kick my ass!

Ok, you know what?

Five hundred! That's
the deal. Five hundred.

- Fuck this.
- No, no, no, no.

We don't have to... We can keep it
at the original thousand dollars.

So, let's...

- Ok, you got a deal.
- All right. Cool.

We got a name!

Infotrode...

Cloud-based, disruptive platforms.

Disrupting the cloud through...

I said cloud twice, shit.

Making the world a better place

through cross-platform
business facing cloud...

There's that... shit!
There's that cloud again!

Info-trode, Info-trode!?
What the fuck is Info-trode?

What is that? It's all just
fucking meaningless words!

Ok. No, no, no...

Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.

Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.

Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.

Good-bye.

Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.

Making the world a better place.
Making the world a better place.

- Making the world a better place.
- Sir?

Are you ok in there?

- Making the world a better place.
- He's been in there all night.

I should call the sheriff.

Making the world a better place...

No, I... hey, I told you
he's going to handle it!

- Mr. Gregory, this is ridiculous.
- Sir...

Mr. Gregory, we need an
answer and we need it now!

- Yes?
- We need money. Now.

And I'm sure that burger
king and sesame seeds

and whatever else you've
been mumbling about in here

all seem lovely to think about...

Myanmar and Brazil.

No, no! No more of this!

Ok, are we getting the money or not?

Will you please tell us
what the hell is going on?

Amusing coincidence that
two of the three countries

that provide the world's sesame seeds
have such large cicada population, no?

The cicadas of Myanmar
emerge every 13 years,

while the Brazilian
cicadas emerge every 17.

Next year they will hatch, simultaneously,

for the first time in 221 years.

Crops from both countries
will be decimated.

Unlike Myanmar and Brazil,
Indonesia has no cicada population.

I was surprised to see Indonesian
sesame seed futures priced so low.

I made a purchase.

And now, if the shortage
spikes the global price

even ten percent. We'll profit...

- Evan?
- Sixty-eight million dollars.

If you wish, I could tap that
projected revenue and make you

a bridge loan of 15
million dollars, gentlemen.

Unless you need more?

No, that's... thank you.
Thank you, holy shit.

Yes? Happy?

See? I told you he was taking care of it.

And now, would anyone like some BK?

Evan was kind enough to
go out and get breakfast.

It's just sitting here.

- Actually, we'd... I'd love some.
- Thank you so much.

Is there cumin in this barbecue sauce?

- I will definitely find out.
- Please do.

Gentlemen, we just got back from the bank.

Our first deposit slip.

We are officially Pied Piper.

And I am officially legal.

Dinesh wouldn't shut the hell up,

so we finally went to the visa office.

Took me five minutes.

Took me five years. They asked
me about Al-Qaeda, like, 14 times.

He literally got it while I
was still looking for parking.

- Hello.
- Is this Pied Piper?

It is now, but we're not taking an
follow-on investors at this point.

Investors? No, this is Kelsey
from the ARCO Station out on 108.

Someone smeared your name and
number in shit on my bathroom wall.

- Uh, I think you may have the wrong number...
- Richie.

Oh, hey, guys.

Uh, hi. Who is this?

You're not gonna believe
this, but this is me.

Time is a sphere and I've been reincarnated
during the same time period in which I exist.

Yes, but where he come from?

From the future, obviously.

Also, from a parking lot
at a gas station in Sonora.

He ate the whole bag of gold caps.

Awesome!

Erlich...

So, should I call the cops
now before anyone else does?

I just got an AMBER
Alert for Rogilio Nuñez.

Yeah, ok.

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