All language subtitles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus s01e13 Intermission.eng

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It's...

There will now be
a short intermission.

Monty Python's Flying Circus.

There will now be
a medium-sized intermission.

Not bad for a starter,

but now perhaps something
a little more savory.

Ooh, I don't like this,
ooh, I don't like that.

Oh, I don't think
much to all this.

Oh, fancy using
that wallpaper.

Fancy using mustard.

Ooh, is that a proper one?
ooh, it's not real.

I don't think
it's a proper restaurant,

unless they give
you finger bowls.

Ooh, I don't like him.

I'm going to have
a baby in a few years.

Uh, please excuse
my wife.

She may appear
to be rather nasty,

but underneath she has
a heart of formica.

Sorry about that.

That's all right, sir, we get
all sorts of lines in here.

The headwaiter will be along
to abuse you in a few moments

And now,
if you'll excuse me,

I have to go
and commit suicide.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

It's not because
of anything serious.

Oh, good.

Quite frankly, I'm against
people who commit suicide.

I don't like
that sort of person at all.

I'm plain people
and I'm proud of it.

My mother's the salt
of the earth-

and I don't take the pill
'cause it's nasty.

Please excuse my wife.

She may not be
very beautiful-

and she may
have no money-

and she may be
a little talentless,

boring and dull,
but on the other hand...

Sorry, I can't
think of anything.

Fine... I'm the headwaiter.

This is a vegetarian
restaurant only.

We serve no animal
flesh of any kind.

We're not only
proud of that,

we're smug about it.

So, if you were to come in here-

asking me to rip open
a small, defenseless chicken,

so you could chew its skin
and eat its intestines,

I'm afraid I would
have to ask you to leave.

No, no, no, no.

Likewise if you were to ask me-

to slice the sides off a cow-

and serve it
with small pieces of its liver.

Or, indeed, drain
the lifeblood from a pig,

before cutting off
one of its legs.

Or carve the
living giblets-

from a sheep
and serve them-

with the fresh
brains, bowels,

guts and spleen
of a small rabbit.

We wouldn't do it!

Not for food, anyway.

Quite frankly,
I'm against people-

who give vent
to their loquacity-

by extraneous bombastic
circumlocution.

Oh, I don't
like that.

Sometimes, Shirley,
I think you're almost human.

Do you know I still wet my bed.

Once, I married someone
who was beautiful-

and young
and gay and free.

Whatever happened to her?

You divorced her
and married me.

I met my second wife-

at a second-wife-
swapping party.

Trust me to arrive late.

Always were late,
weren't you, Thompson?

Hello, headmaster.

What are you doing here?

Fine, fine, fine,
thank you.

Fine, thank you.

No more sherry for me,
don't you know.

Warner house beat
Badger house-

for the second
cuppa, remarkable.

We had to put most of
the second form to sleep.

No padre-- bad business.

They were beginning
to play with themselves.

Still... you haven't seen my wife
anywhere, have you?

No.
Oh, thank

Oh, I don't like him.

Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?

I mean, do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?

I mean, do you
know what I mean?

All men are the same.

Imagine not
that these four walls-

contain the mighty owl
of Thebes.

For, gentles all,
beauty sits most closely-

to them it can construe.

No, it doesn't.

Sorry.

Fine... would you care
for a glass of blood?

Oh, what a giveaway.

No, we'd like to see
the menu please.

I don't think
it's a proper restaurant,

unless you have
a proper menu-

and anyway, i
might be pregnant.

Perhaps you'd care
for a drink?

Ever since you've
married me, Douglas,

you've treated me-

like an albatross.

Evening.

Good evening.

I hope you're going-

to enjoy me this evening.

I'm the special.

Try me with some rice.

I beg your pardon?

A Hopkins au Gratin
a la Chef.

Ah, how do you?

Don't play with your food.

I don't like that.

There's dust on here.

I don't think
it's a proper meal-

without pudding.

My husband's an architect.

Oh, one word of warning,
sir, a little tip.

Don't have any
of the vicar over there.

He's been here two weeks-

and nobody's touched him--
Enough said?

Yes, thank you.

Well, I must get on
or I'll spoil.

Janet, to the kitchen.

There's a dead bishop
in the lobby, sir.

I don't know who keeps
bringing them in here.

Oh, I don't
like that.

I think it's silly.

It's not a proper sketch

Without a proper punch line.

I mean, I don't know much
about anything, I'm stupid.

I'm Muggins,
nobody cares what I think.

I'm always the one
that has to do everything.

Nobody cares about me.

I'll have bloody babies-

and they can bloody
well care about me.

It makes you sick,
half this television.

They never stop talking.

He'll be the ruination of her.

Rhythm method!

There will now be
a whopping great intermission,

during which small ice creams in
very large boxes will be sold.

Another way we can drive
people away from the cinema-

is by showing you
advertisements.

Do you like this?

Or how about this?

Or perhaps you prefer
this latest model?

Then why not come to us?

We supply
only the very best models.

After the show, why not visit
the la Gondola restaurant--

Just two minutes
from this performance.

The manager, mr. Luigi Vercotti,
will be pleased-

to welcome you and introduce you-

to a wide variety
of famous Sicilian delicacies.

Here you can relax in comfort
in friendly surroundings.

Or if you wish, you may drink
and dance till midnight.

At the la Gondola restaurant

You can sample all the spicy
pleasures of the Mediterranean.

The headwaiter will be pleased
to show you his specialities.

Or why not ask the cook
for something really hot?

Yes, for an evening
you'll never forget,

It's the la Gondola restaurant

Chelsea, Parkhurst, Dartmoor
and the Scrubs.

Albatross!

Albatross!

Albatross?

Two choc ices, please.

I haven't got choc ices.

I've only got the albatross.

Albatross!

What flavor is it?

It's a bird, isn't it?

It's a bloody seabird.

It's not any bloody flavor.

Albatross!

Do you get wafers with it?

Of course you don't

Get bloody wafers
with it!

Albatross!

How much is it?

Nine pence.

I'll have two please.

Gannet on a stick.

There will now be
a very short...

Well, that's
quite enough of that.

And now a policeman
near Rottingdeans.

Albatross!

Inspector,
inspector.

I'm terribly sorry,

but I was sitting on
a park bench over there,

took my coat off
for a minute-

and then I found my
wallet had been stolen-

and �15 taken from it.

Well, did you...

Did you see
anyone take it.

Anyone hanging
around or...

No, no, there was
no one there at all.

That's the trouble.

Well, there's not very much

We can do
about that, sir.

Do you want to come
back to my place?

Yeah, all right.

Albatross.

Mr. Burtenshaw?

Me, doctor?

No, me doctor,
you mr. Burtenshaw.

My wife, doctor?

No, your wife
patient--

Me doctor.

Come this way, please.

Me, sister?

No, she sister,
me doctor

You mr. Burtenshaw.

Dr. Walters?

Me nurse.

You mr. Burtenshaw.

She sister,
you doctor.

No, doctor.

No doctor, call ambulance,
keep warm.

Drink, doctor?

Drink doctor,
eat sister

Cook mr. Burtenshaw,
nurse me.

You, doctor?

Me doctor.

You mr. Burtenshaw.

She nurse.

But my wife, nurse.

Your wife not nurse.

She nurse,
your wife patient.

Be patient, she
nurse your wife.

Me doctor,
yew tree.

Utrecht, utrillo

U thant, euphemism.

Me doctor.

Albatross!

I'd like to meet someone-

of superior intelligence.

I'd like to hear the sound-

of two bricks
being bashed together.

I'd like to see-

John the baptist's impersonation
of Graham Hill.

Yes, it's
historical impersonations

When you in the present can make-

those in the past
stars of the future.

And here is your host
for tonight, Wally Wiggin.

Hello, good evening, and welcome
to Historical Impersonations.

And we kick off tonight
with cardinal Richelieu

And his impersonation
of Petula Clark.

Oh, don't sleep
in the subway, darling

Don't stand
in the pouring rain...

Cardinal Richelieu--
sixteen stone of pure man.

And now your favorite
Roman emperor, Julius Caesar

As Eddie Waring.

Tota gallia divisa est
in tres partes

Wigan, Hunslett
and Hull Kingston Rovers.

Well done indeed,
Julius Caesar--

A smile, a conquest
and a dagger up your strap.

Our next challenger comes
all the way from the Crimea.

It's the very lovely Florence
Nightingale as Brian London.

And now for our most
ambitious attempt tonight.

All the way from Moscow in the
U.S.S.. of R., Ivan the terrible,

as a sales assistant
in Freeman, Hardy and Willis.

And now W.G. Grace
as a music box.

And now it's France's turn.

One of their top statesmen,
Napoleon, as the R-101 disaster.

And now it's request time.

I would like to see

John the baptist's impersonation
of Graham Hill.

And now a short intermission,

during which Marcel Marceau
will impersonate-

a man walking against the wind.

And now Marcel will mime a man-

being struck about the head
by a 16-ton weight.

What's your name?

Eric.

Would you like to have
a 16-ton weight-

dropped on top
of you, Eric?

Don't know.

How about you?

I want to have...

What do you
want to have?

I want to have...

What?

I want to have
Racquel Welch...

Dropped on top of me.

Dropped on top of you?

Oh, yes, not climbing.

She's got a big bottom.

And what's your name?

Trevor Atkinson.

And how old
are you, Trevor?

I'm 42.

Are you a friend
of Trevor's?

Yes, we're all colleagues

From the Empire and General
Insurance Company.

And what do you do?

Well, I deal mainly-

with mortgage-
protection policies

But I also do certain
types of life assurance.

Now, if you and your pal
had one big wish, Trevor,

what would you like
to see on television?

I'd like to see more fairy
stories about the police.

And so you shall.

Yes, we in the special crimes
squad have been using wands-

for almost a year now.

You find it's easy to make
yourself invisible.

You can defy time and space-

and you can turn violent
criminals into frogs,

something which you could never
do with the old truncheons.

Yes, tonight Probe Around
takes a look at crime.

I'm sorry about that

But i always introduce
this program, not him.

Yes, tonight Probe Around
takes a look at crime.

Is it true that the police
are using dachshunds (taxar)-

to combat the crime wave?

Can the head of the vice squad
turn himself into an albatross,

whenever he wants to?

Just what are the police up to?

Oh, I'm up to page 39,

Where Peter Pan first
manifests himself.

With me now is inspector
Harry H. "Snapper" Organs,

of "H" division.

Good evening.

Inspector, I believe
you are encouraging magic-

in the police force.

That is correct.

The criminal mind's.

a strange, contorted one--
Good evening.

The mind is subject to
severe mental stresses--

Good evening.

Guilt fears abound--
good evening--

In the subconscious.

In this state,
one of our lads,

with a fair training
in the black arts,

can scare the
fertilizer out of them.

Just how are the police
combating the increase-

with the use of the occult?

Ex-king Zog of Albania reports.

Well, we seem to have
lost ex-king Zog there

But who cares?

Just what kinds of magic
are the police introducing-

into their crime-prevention
techniques?

U-P...

Y...

O...

U...

R...

S.

"Up yours"!?

What a rude ouija board!

Now, this is the kind of thing-

that gives the police
a bad name, sergeant.

I know, sir.

Yes, Beryl?

Attila the Hun to see you, sir.

Who?

Attila the Hun, sir.

Oh, Botherkins!

Constable, go and see
to him, will you?

What? In this dress?

Oh, all right, I'll go.

Oh, I've got a little green pinny
I could wear.

No, no, no, I'll go.

You stay here.

Oh, goody! I can get
on with the ironing.

Right... where is he?

Over there, sir.

All right, sergeant,
leave this to me.

Now, then, sir, you
are Attila the Hun.

That's right, yes, A.T. Hun.

My parents were
mr. and mrs. Norman Hun,

but they had a little
joke when I was born.

Yes... well, mr. Hun...

Oh, call me "The,"
for heaven's sake!

Oh... well, The, what do you want
to see us about?

I've come to
give myself up.

What for?

Looting, pillaging
and sacking a major city.

I beg your pardon?

Looting, pillaging,
sacking a major city-

and I'd like 9,000 other charges-

to be taken into
consideration, please.

I say, excuse me, mr. Hun.

Have you any objection
to taking a breath test?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Right-- sergeant, will you
bring the analyzer, please?

Here we are, sir.

How's it work?

Well, if he breathes
into it, sir,

and the white crystals
turn lime green,

then he is Attila the Hun, sir.

I see-- well, would
you mind breathing-

into this, mr. Hun?

Right.

What if nothing
happens, sergeant?

He's Alexander the great, sir!

Aha! Caught you,
mr. A.T. Great!

Oh, curses, curses!

I thought I was safe,
disguised as Attila the Hun.

O-ho, perhaps so, but you
made one fatal mistake.

You see, this wasn't
a hunalyzer.

It was an Alexander-
the-Greatalyzer.

Take him away, Beryl!

"Dear sir, I object very
strongly to that last scene-

and to the next letter."

"Dear sir, I object
to being objected to-

"by the last letter,

"before my drift has
become apparent.

"I spent many years in India
during the last war-

"and am now a part-time
notice board-

"in a prominent public school.

"Yours etc.,
brigadier Zoe la Rue (deceased).

P.s. aghhh!"

"Dear sir, when I was at school-

"I was beaten regularly
every 30 minutes-

"and it never did me any harm--

"Except for psychological
maladjustment-

"and blurred vision.

Yours truly, flight lieutenant
Ken Frankenstein (mrs.)."

I want to see the doctor.

Dr. Larch, there's
a mr. Phelps to see you.

Nurse?

Yes?

You don't think you
should make it clear-

that I'm a psychiatrist?

What?

Well, I could be
any type of doctor.

Well, I can't come in and
say "psychiatrist Larch"

Or "dr. Larch, who
is a psychiatrist."

Oh, anyway, look,
it's written on the door.

That's outside.

Well, I don't care.

You'll just have
to do it yourself.

Hello?

No, wrong number, I'm afraid.

This is a psychiatrist speaking.

Next, please.

Come in.

Ah, mr. Phelps-- come on in,
take a seat.

Now, what seems
to be the matter?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry?

Oh, can't you do
better than that?

I mean, it's so predictable.

I've seen it
a million times.

Knock, knock, knock;
"Come in;

Ah, mr. Phelps,
take a seat."

I've seen it and seen it.

Well, look, will you
please sit down-

and do your first line?

No, no, I've had enough.

I've had enough.

I can't even get it started.

Albatross!

Shut up!

Oh, it drives me mad.

A mad psychiatrist,
that'd be new--!

Next, please.

C... oh.

Cross the threshold,
arrive, ingress,

gain admittance, infiltrate.

Ah, mr. Notlob,
park your hips-

on the sitting device.

It is a mad psychiatrist.

I'm not, I'm not!

Come on in, take a seat.

What's... what's
the matter?

Now, what's the matter?

Well, I keep hearing-

guitars playing
and people singing,

when there's no one around.

Yes, well, this is not
at all uncommon.

In certain mental
states we find-

that auditory
hallucinations occur,

which are of a most...

We can stay all day

We're going to the zoo...

Is that "we're all going to the
zoo tomorrow"?

Yes, yes.

Is it always that?

No.

Well, that's something.

But it's mainly folk songs.

Last night I had "we'll never fall
in love again"-- For six hours!

Well, look, I think I'd better
have a second opinion on this.

I want you to see
a colleague of mine,

a specialist in these
sort of things,

who has an office very
much like this one,

as a matter of fact.

No, no, wrong number.

I'm a colleague of his--

A surgeon who specializes
in these kind of things.

Yes, thank you very much.

Next, please.

Come in.

Ah, come in,
please take a seat.

My colleague, who has
a similar office-

has explained
your case to me.

Mr. Notlob, as you know,

I am a leading
Harley Street surgeon...

As seen on television.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to operate.

It's nothing
to worry about--

Although it is
extremely dangerous.

I shall be juggling
with your life.

I shall be playing
ducks and drakes-

with your very existence.

I shall be running me mitts
over the pith of your marrow--

Yes, these hands

These fingers

These sophisticated organs of
touch, these bunches of five

These maulers,
these German bands

That have pulled many
a moribund unfortunate

Back from the very
brink of Lazarus's box.

No, it was Pandora's box,
wasn't it?

Well, anyway, these mitts
have earned yours truly

A lot of bread, so if you'll
just step through here,

I'll slit you up a treat.

What?

Mr. Notlob, there's
nothing wrong with you,

that an expensive
operation can't prolong.

Right, I'm ready
to make the incision.

Knife, please, sister.

What's that supposed to be?

Give me a big one.

Oh, I do enjoy this!

Right.

Oh, what a great slit!

Now, gentlemen, I am
going to open the slit.

...All day

Too much, man!

Groovy, great scene.

Great light show, baby.

What are you
doing in there?

We're doing our
own thing, man.

Have you got mr.
Notlob's permission

To be in there?

We're squatters, baby.

Nurse, wake him up.

Don't get uptight, man.

Join the scene
and other phrases.

Money isn't real.

It is where I'm standing-

and it blows my mind,
young lad.

Good Lord!
Is that a nude woman?

She's doing an
article on us-

for Nova, man.

Hi, everyone.

Are you part of the scene?

Are you rolling your
own jelly babies in there?

What's going on?
Who are they?

That's what we're
trying to find out.

What are they doing
in my stomach?

We don't know--
Are they paying you any rent?

Course they're not
paying me rent!

You're not furnished,
you fascist.

Get them out!

I can't.

Get them out!

No, I can't--

Not, not without
a court order.

Shut up, you're
keeping us awake.

You are hereby ordered-

to vacate mr. Notlob
forthwith and/or.

Push off, fuzz!

Right-- that's it,
we're going in!

Release the vicious dogs.

What a terrible way
to end a series.

Why couldn't it end with
something like this?

Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Now, there's an ending for you--
Romance, laughter...

When this series returns,

it will be put out on
Monday morning as a test card-

and will be described
by the Radio Times-

as a history
of Irish agriculture.

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