All language subtitles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus s01e12 The Naked Ant.eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,074 Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:10,744 It's... 3 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:14,381 Monty Python's Flying Circus. 4 00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,979 I know you're down there. 5 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,999 Hey, did you see that? 6 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,637 Did you see somebody go past the window? 7 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:11,972 What? 8 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,642 Somebody just went past the window, that way. 9 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,417 Another one. 10 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,920 Another one just went past downwards. 11 00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:27,955 What? 12 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,456 Two people have just fallen- 13 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:31,558 out of that window to their almost certain death. 14 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,662 Fine, fine, fine. 15 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:36,697 Look! 16 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,498 Two people... 17 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,533 Three people- 18 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,501 have just fallen- 19 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,502 past that window. 20 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,804 Must be a board meeting. 21 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:45,906 Oh, yeah. 22 00:01:48,308 --> 00:01:50,611 Hey, that was Wilkins of finance. 23 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,012 Oh, no, that was Robertson. 24 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,013 Wilkins. 25 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,114 Robertson. 26 00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:54,982 Wilkins. 27 00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:55,916 Robertson. 28 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,118 That was Wilkins. 29 00:01:58,151 --> 00:01:59,353 That was Wilkins. 30 00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,255 He was a good golfer, Wilkins. 31 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,390 Very good golfer, very good golfer. 32 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,558 Rotten at finance. 33 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,959 It'll be Parkinson next. 34 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,161 Bet you it won't. 35 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:10,564 How much? 36 00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:11,698 What? 37 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:14,768 How much do you bet it won't? 38 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:15,802 Fiver? 39 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:16,837 All right. 40 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:17,838 Done. 41 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:18,839 You're on. 42 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,641 Fine. 43 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,242 Come on, Parky. 44 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,744 Don't do it, Parky. 45 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,946 Jump, Parky, jump. Come on, now, be sensible, Parky. 46 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,548 Dear sir, I am writing to complain- 47 00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,983 about that sketch about people falling out of a high building. 48 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,785 I have worked all my life in such a building- 49 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:32,786 and have never once... 50 00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:37,558 Parkinson! 51 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:38,659 Johnson! 52 00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:48,635 My god, this is terrible! 53 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,470 Would somebody please stop it?! 54 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,538 Lord knows that. 55 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:52,639 Let's try it this way. 56 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:07,855 Alakazam! 57 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:08,856 Alacadabra! alakazam! 58 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,390 Alacadabra! alakazam! 59 00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:12,125 Alacadabra! alakazam! 60 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,861 Alacadabra... 61 00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:27,374 Hello! 62 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,924 Tonight, Spectrum looks at one of the major problems- 63 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,092 in the world today-- 64 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,261 The whole vexed question of what is going on. 65 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:48,829 Is there still time to confront it, 66 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,564 let alone solve it, or is it too late? 67 00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,099 What are the figures, what are the facts? 68 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:53,867 What do people mean when they talk about things? 69 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,170 Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau. 70 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,337 In this graph- 71 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,439 this column represents 23% of the population. 72 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,508 This column represents 28% of the population- 73 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,344 and this column represents 43% of the population. 74 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,713 Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you? 75 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:07,915 What do they mean to me? 76 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,750 What do they mean to the average man in the street? 77 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:12,619 With me now is professor Tiddles of Leeds university. 78 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:15,322 Professor, you've spent many years researching into things. 79 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:16,356 What do you think? 80 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,591 I think it's too early to tell. 81 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,326 Too early to tell, too early to say. 82 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:20,727 It means the same thing. 83 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,329 The word "say" is the same as the word "tell." 84 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,597 They're not spelled the same, but they mean the same. 85 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,066 It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat" 86 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,135 But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough"-- 87 00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:30,437 Different spellings and meanings, but sound the same. 88 00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:33,841 But the real question remains: 89 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,576 What is the solution, if any, to this problem? 90 00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:36,810 What can we do? What am I saying? 91 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,078 Why am I sitting in this chair? 92 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,513 Why am I here and what will I say next? 93 00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,281 Here to answer this is a professional cricketer. 94 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,950 I can say nothing at this point. 95 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,084 You were wrong. Professor? 96 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:44,852 Hello. 97 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:45,953 Hello. 98 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,087 So, where do we stand? Where do we sit? 99 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:47,988 Where do we come? Where do we go? 100 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:48,889 What do we do? What do we say? 101 00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:49,823 What do we eat? What do we drink? 102 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:50,791 What do we think? What do we do? 103 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,267 Sorry! 104 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,148 Hello. 105 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,717 Mr. and mrs. Johnson, isn't it? 106 00:05:16,783 --> 00:05:17,784 That's right, yes. 107 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:18,852 Well, come on in. 108 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,420 Excuse me not shaking hands, 109 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,955 but I've just been putting- 110 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,891 a bit of lard (flott) on the cat's boil (b�ld). 111 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:24,892 Very nice. 112 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,159 Well, you must be tired. 113 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,094 It's a long drive- 114 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,328 from Coventry, isn't it? 115 00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,230 Yes, well, we usually reckon on 5 1/2 hours- 116 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,065 and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, 117 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:34,067 with a 25-minute wait at Frampton Cottrell- 118 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,068 to stretch our legs 119 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,537 Only we had to wait half an hour- 120 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,172 to get on to the M5 near Droitwich. 121 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:38,839 Really? 122 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:39,940 There was- 123 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,342 a three-mile queue just before Bridgwater on the A38. 124 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,144 Only normally we come round on the B3339, 125 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,579 just before Bridgwater, you see. 126 00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:46,280 Really? 127 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:46,947 We risked it 128 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:47,948 Because they say- 129 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,883 they're going to widen it there. 130 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:50,450 Are they? 131 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:51,552 Just there 132 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,187 At the intersection where the A372 joins up, 133 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,988 there's plenty of room to widen it there. 134 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,356 There's only the grass verges. 135 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:57,758 They could get another six feet. 136 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:58,959 Knock down that hospital. 137 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,827 Then we took the coast road through Williton- 138 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,563 and got all the Taunton traffic on the A358, 139 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:03,797 from Crowcombe and Stogumber. 140 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,465 Well, you must be dying for a cup of tea. 141 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,869 Well, wouldn't say "no," not if it's warm and wet. 142 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,370 Well, come on in the lounge. 143 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,406 I'm just about to serve afternoon tea. 144 00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:13,774 Very nice. 145 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,610 Come on in, mr. and mrs. Johnson. 146 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:17,611 Oh, this is- 147 00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,580 Mr. and mrs. Phillips. 148 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:20,948 Good afternoon. 149 00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,817 It's their third year with us. 150 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:26,753 We can't keep you away, can we? 151 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:27,754 And over here- 152 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,590 is mr. Hilter. 153 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,961 Ah, good time, good afternoon. 154 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,195 Planning a little excursion, 155 00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,230 are we, mr. Hilter? 156 00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:37,231 Ja, ja! 157 00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:38,232 We make a little... 158 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,733 Was ist ruckweise bewegen? 159 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,767 "Hike." 160 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:41,768 Hiking. 161 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,270 We make a little hike for... 162 00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:44,538 for Bideford. 163 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,441 Oh, well, you'll be wanting the A39 then. 164 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:49,943 No, no, you've got the wrong map there. 165 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,345 This is Stalingrad. 166 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,813 You want the Ilfracombe- 167 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,314 and Barnstaple section. 168 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,816 Ah, Hein... Reginald 169 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,818 You have the wrong map here, 170 00:06:57,885 --> 00:07:01,455 you silly old leg-before-wicket English person. 171 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,923 I'm sorry, mein f�hrer. 172 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:03,924 I did not... 173 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,226 Mein Dickie, old chum. 174 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,361 Lucky mr. Johnson- 175 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,829 pointed that out? 176 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,898 You wouldn't have had much fun- 177 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,699 in Stalingrad, would you? 178 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,202 I said you wouldn't have had much fun- 179 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,837 in Stalingrad, would you? 180 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:19,773 Not much fun in Stalingrad, no. 181 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:20,774 Oh, I'm sorry, 182 00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:21,775 I didn't introduce you. 183 00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:23,210 This is Ron... Ron Ribbentrop. 184 00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:25,512 Oh, not von Ribbentrop? 185 00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,114 Nein! nein! nein! 186 00:07:27,181 --> 00:07:30,150 Oh... no, he different other chap. 187 00:07:30,184 --> 00:07:31,952 No, I in Somerset am being born. 188 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,588 von Ribbentrop is born in Gotterammerstrasse 46, 189 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,956 D�sseldorf, West eight... 190 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,958 So they say! 191 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,561 And this is the quiet one, mr. Bimmler. 192 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:41,528 Heimlich Bimmler. 193 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,729 How do you do there, squire? 194 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:43,931 Also I am not minehead lad, 195 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,899 but I in Peterborough, Lincolnshire house, 196 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,201 was given birth to, 197 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,435 but stay in Peterborough, Lincolnshire house- 198 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,270 all during war, owing to nasty running sores- 199 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,372 and was unable to go in the streets, 200 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,408 play fussball or go to N�rnberg. 201 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,578 I am retired window cleaner and pacifist, 202 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,479 without doing war crimes. 203 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,449 And am very glad England win World cup, 204 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,617 Bobby Charlton and Martin Peters, 205 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,118 and eating lots of chips and fish- 206 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,320 and toad in the holes- 207 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,355 and Dundee cake on Piccadilly line, 208 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,489 don't you know, old chap, 209 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:11,225 and was head of Gestapo for ten years... 210 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:13,493 Five years! 211 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,696 Oh! No, no, nein 212 00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:18,165 I was not head of Gestapo at all. 213 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,667 I make joke. 214 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:23,170 Oh, mr. Bimmler 215 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,171 You do have us on. 216 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:26,173 Oh, excuse me, 217 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,674 I must just go and answer that. 218 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,843 How long you down here for, mr. Hilter? 219 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:30,878 Just the fortnight? 220 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:31,879 Why do you ask that? 221 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,247 You a spy or something? 222 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,749 Get over there against the wall, britischer pig. 223 00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:36,817 You're going to die. 224 00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,619 Take it easy, Dickie, old chum. 225 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,153 I'm sorry, mr. Johnson. 226 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,455 He's a bit on edge. 227 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,357 He hasn't slept since 1945. 228 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,859 Shut your cake hole, you nazi. 229 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,694 Cool it, f�hrer cat. 230 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,963 The fun we have. 231 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:50,964 Haven't I seen him- 232 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:51,965 on the television? 233 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,535 Nicht, nein, nein... oh, no. 234 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,036 Television doctor? 235 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,070 No! no! 236 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,205 Telephone, mr. Hilter. 237 00:08:58,272 --> 00:08:59,740 It's that nice mr. McGoering, 238 00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,241 from the Bell and Compasses. 239 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,409 He says he's found a place, 240 00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:04,144 where you can hire bombers by the hour. 241 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,814 If he opens his big mouth again, it's lampshade time! 242 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,349 Shut up! 243 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,452 Hire bombers by the hour. 244 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:15,088 What a laugh he is, that Scottish person! 245 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,323 Good old Norman. 246 00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,725 He's on the telephone the whole time nowadays. 247 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:19,726 In business, is he? 248 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,161 Soon, baby. 249 00:09:21,195 --> 00:09:22,696 Course, it's his big day, thursday. 250 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,598 Oh, they've been planning it for months. 251 00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:25,866 What happens then? 252 00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,202 Oh, it's the north Minehead by-election. 253 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,638 Mr. Hilter's standing as a national bocialist candidate. 254 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,941 He's got wonderful plans for Minehead. 255 00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:34,675 Like what? 256 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:35,709 Well, for a start 257 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,044 He wants to annex Poland. 258 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,278 Oh, north Minehead's- 259 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,813 conservative, isn't it? 260 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,849 Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies. 261 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:42,883 Rallies? 262 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,885 Well, their bocialist meetings, 263 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,287 down at the axis cafe in Rosedale road. 264 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,925 Achtung, achtung! 265 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,086 Uber alles! 266 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:23,090 Die eltern im mittelalter und die jungen, 267 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:28,428 alles muss mit dem mittelschmerz gestoppen sein! 268 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:37,938 I... am not a racialist... 269 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:46,113 but-- und this is a big "but"-- 270 00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:52,953 we in the national socialist party believe- 271 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:56,924 das uberleben... 272 00:10:56,957 --> 00:11:01,962 muss gestammen sein mit der schneaky Armstrong-Jones. 273 00:11:07,301 --> 00:11:14,608 Historische Taunton ist volkermeinig von Meinhead. 274 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,347 Mr. Hitler... 275 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,717 Hilter... he says that historically, 276 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,219 Taunton... 277 00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,621 is part of Minehead already. 278 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,389 He's right, do you know that? 279 00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:36,964 Und Bridgwater ist die letzte fuhlung, 280 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:40,534 das wir haben in Somerset! 281 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:55,048 Sieg heil! Sieg heil! 282 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,791 What do you think of mr. Hilter's policies? 283 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,860 Well, I don't like the sound- 284 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,429 of these here boncentration bamps. 285 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:14,568 Well, I gave him my baby to kiss and he bit it on the head. 286 00:12:14,635 --> 00:12:17,171 Well, I think he'd do a lot of good for the stock exchange. 287 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,405 No, no. 288 00:12:18,472 --> 00:12:20,340 Oh, yes, britischer pals, 289 00:12:20,374 --> 00:12:22,609 he is wunderbar... ful, ja. 290 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,213 I think he's right about the coons, 291 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,215 but then I'm a bit mental. 292 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:32,186 I think he's got beautiful legs. 293 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,122 Well, speaking as conservative candidate, 294 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,724 I just drone on and on and on and on, 295 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:40,627 never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, 296 00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:42,629 until I start foaming at the mouth- 297 00:12:42,696 --> 00:12:45,165 and falling over backwards. 298 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,767 Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards. 299 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,702 Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards, 300 00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:50,537 or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth? 301 00:12:50,571 --> 00:12:52,005 Tonight's Spectrum examines the whole question- 302 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,574 of frothing and falling, coughing and calling, 303 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,175 screaming and bawling, walling and stalling, 304 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,710 galling and mauling, palling and hauling, 305 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:57,978 trawling and squalling and zalling. 306 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,646 Zalling? Is there a word "zalling?" 307 00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:00,681 If there is, what does it mean? 308 00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:02,149 If there isn't, what does it mean? 309 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,317 Perhaps both, maybe neither. 310 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,484 What do I mean by the word "mean"? 311 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:05,519 What do I mean by the word "word"? 312 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:06,520 What do I mean by "what do I mean?" 313 00:13:06,587 --> 00:13:08,055 What do I mean by "do" and what do I do by "mean"? 314 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:08,822 What do I do by do by do? 315 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,791 And what do I mean by wasting your time like this? Good night. 316 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,726 Good night. 317 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,362 Good evening, I wish to report a burglary. 318 00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:16,463 Speak up, please, sir. 319 00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:19,166 I wish to report a burglary. 320 00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,201 I can't hear you, sir. 321 00:13:22,503 --> 00:13:24,972 I wish to report a burglary! 322 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,573 That's a little bit too loud. 323 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:27,608 Could you say it- 324 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,176 just a little less loud than that? 325 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:32,212 I wish to report a burglary! 326 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,783 No, I'm still not getting anything. 327 00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:39,086 Could you try it in a higher register? 328 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,921 What do you mean, in a higher register? 329 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:41,622 What? 330 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,825 I wish to report a burglary. 331 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,226 That's it, wait a moment. 332 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,828 Now, a little bit louder. 333 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,797 I wish to report a burglary! 334 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:51,798 Report a what? 335 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,400 Burglary!! 336 00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:55,969 That's it, now keep it there. 337 00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,538 Hello, sarge! 338 00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:58,906 Evening, Charlie. 339 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,874 I was sitting at home- 340 00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:02,776 with a friend of mine from Camber Sands, 341 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,779 when we heard a noise in the bedroom! 342 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:09,783 We went to investigate and found �5,000 stolen! 343 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,885 Well, I'm afraid I'm off duty now, sir. 344 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,820 Could you tell sergeant Foster? 345 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:16,790 I was sitting at home- 346 00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,259 with a friend of mine from Camber Sands! 347 00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:22,129 Excuse me, sir, but, why the funny voice? 348 00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,864 Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 349 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:26,533 I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant. 350 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,168 I'm terribly sorry, I can't hear you, sir. 351 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,903 Could you try speaking in a lower register? 352 00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,939 What? 353 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:38,111 I wish to report the loss of �5,000. 354 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,513 �5,000? that's serious. 355 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,181 You'd better speak to the detective inspector. 356 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:44,117 What seems to be the trouble, sergeant? 357 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:45,719 Well, this gentleman, sir, has come in- 358 00:14:45,786 --> 00:14:46,887 to report that he was sitting at home with a friend, 359 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:47,921 when he heard a noise in the back room, 360 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,256 went round to investigate- 361 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:49,957 and found that �5,000 in savings had been stolen. 362 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,658 I see. 363 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:52,726 Where do you live, sir? 364 00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:57,130 121 Halliwell Road, Dulwich, SE21. 365 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,933 121 Halliwell Road, Dulwich, SE21. 366 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:02,269 Another Halliwell Road job, sergeant? 367 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,303 Yes, I can't believe it. 368 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:04,338 I thought the bloke who'd done that- 369 00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:05,506 was put inside last year. 370 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:06,940 Yes, in Parkhurst. 371 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,075 Well, it must have been somebody else. 372 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,810 Thank you, sergeant. 373 00:15:09,877 --> 00:15:10,844 We'll get things moving right away. 374 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,713 You take over here, sergeant. 375 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:13,814 Alert all squad cars in the area. 376 00:15:13,881 --> 00:15:15,282 Hello, darling 377 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,683 I'm afraid I shall be late. 378 00:15:16,717 --> 00:15:22,089 Calling all squad cars in the area. 379 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:26,627 I think that's in very bad taste. 380 00:15:31,565 --> 00:15:37,171 Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way. 381 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:41,575 Good afternoon, and welcome to Hurlingham Park. 382 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:44,711 You join us just as the competitors are running out- 383 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:48,081 onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, 384 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:51,919 with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. 385 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,787 Well, it certainly looks- 386 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:56,924 as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport- 387 00:15:56,990 --> 00:16:00,427 in this, the 127th "Upper-class Twit of the Year" show. 388 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,729 Well, the competitors will be off any moment, 389 00:16:02,763 --> 00:16:04,698 so let me just identify them for you. 390 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:08,635 Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has O-level in chemo-hygiene. 391 00:16:08,669 --> 00:16:10,404 Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, 392 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,873 married to a very attractive table lamp. 393 00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:15,309 Nigel Incubator-Jones-- his best friend is a tree, 394 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,377 and in his spare time, he's a stockbroker. 395 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,546 Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the guards- 396 00:16:19,613 --> 00:16:22,115 and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. 397 00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:25,552 And finally, Oliver St. John- Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, 398 00:16:25,586 --> 00:16:28,488 thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. 399 00:16:28,522 --> 00:16:30,791 Now they're moving out to the starting line. 400 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,193 There's a jolly good crowd here today. 401 00:16:33,227 --> 00:16:36,830 Now they're under starter's orders- 402 00:16:36,897 --> 00:16:38,732 and... 403 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:42,369 They're off! 404 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,538 Oh, no, they're not. 405 00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:47,074 No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start. 406 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,876 Never mind, we'll soon sort that out. 407 00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:50,811 The judge is explaining it to them now. 408 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,946 I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. 409 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,081 All set to go. 410 00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:56,450 Oh, and they're off. 411 00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:57,851 And it's a fast start this year. 412 00:16:57,885 --> 00:16:59,853 Oliver St. John-Mollusc running a bit wide there- 413 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,989 and now they're coming into their first test-- 414 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,290 The straight line. 415 00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:05,425 They've got to walk along this straight line, 416 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,660 without falling over. 417 00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,562 And Oliver's over at the back there... 418 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,131 Simon's coming through quite fast on the outside. 419 00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,232 I think Simon and Nigel... 420 00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,767 Both of them coming through very fast. 421 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,636 There's Nigel there, number three, I'm sorry. 422 00:17:15,669 --> 00:17:17,137 And on the outside, there's Gervaise- 423 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,572 coming through just out of shot. 424 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,040 And now, the positions: 425 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,409 Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump-- 426 00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:24,545 Three layers of matchboxes to clear. 427 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:28,048 And Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully. 428 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,149 Oh, the jump of a lifetime-- 429 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,584 If only his father could understand. 430 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,586 Here's Nigel... He's confused. 431 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,087 No, Gervaise is over. 432 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,956 He's... Nigel is over... 433 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,925 He's only just hit the top. 434 00:17:37,958 --> 00:17:39,026 And now it's Gervaise. 435 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,427 Gervaise is going to jump. 436 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,429 Is it... no, he's jumped the wrong way. 437 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,564 There he goes. 438 00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:44,932 Nigel's over beautifully. 439 00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:47,434 Now it's Only Oliver, Oliver and Gervaise... 440 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,802 Oh, bad luck. 441 00:17:48,836 --> 00:17:50,470 And now it's "Kicking the beggar." 442 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,639 Simon's there, and he's putting the boot in- 443 00:17:52,706 --> 00:17:53,941 and not terribly hard, 444 00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:56,176 but he's going down, so Simon can move on. 445 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,611 Now Vivian's there. 446 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,980 Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. 447 00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:01,515 Here he comes. 448 00:18:01,582 --> 00:18:03,550 Oh, a real pile driver, a real pile driver. 449 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,686 And now Simon's at number one; Vivian, two; 450 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,889 Nigel, three; Gervaise at four; and Oliver bringing up the rear. 451 00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:11,058 There's Oliver, there's Oliver now. 452 00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,359 He's at the back. 453 00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:14,228 I think he's having a little trouble- 454 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,596 with his old brain injury. 455 00:18:15,629 --> 00:18:16,930 He's going to have a go... 456 00:18:16,997 --> 00:18:18,298 No, no, bad luck. 457 00:18:18,332 --> 00:18:20,400 He's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy. 458 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,069 He doesn't know when he's winning either. 459 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,471 He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus known to man. 460 00:18:24,505 --> 00:18:25,939 He's now standing up... Oh, bad luck. 461 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,075 Oh, there's Gervaise putting the boot in there. 462 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,643 There's no need for him to do this. 463 00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:30,911 He's got the beggar down. 464 00:18:31,011 --> 00:18:33,113 The steward's giving him a little bit of advice. 465 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,214 Yes, he can move on now. 466 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:35,916 He can move on to the hunt photograph. 467 00:18:36,016 --> 00:18:38,085 There's Gerv... I think he's... yes, he's off. 468 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,754 Gervaise is there, and Oliver's still at the back, 469 00:18:40,821 --> 00:18:42,322 having trouble with the matchboxes. 470 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,324 Now, here's the hunt ball photograph. 471 00:18:44,358 --> 00:18:45,826 And the first here is Simon. 472 00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:48,829 He's going to enjoy a joke with lady Arabella Plunkett. 473 00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:50,297 She hopes to go into films. 474 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:51,732 And Vivian's through there 475 00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:53,467 And Nigel's there enjoying a joke- 476 00:18:53,534 --> 00:18:56,236 with lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Steamroller- 477 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,805 Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith. 478 00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:01,175 And there's... and there's Simon now in the sports car. 479 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:02,576 He's reversed into the old woman. 480 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,211 He's caught her absolutely beautifully. 481 00:19:04,278 --> 00:19:06,013 Now he's going to accelerate forward there- 482 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:07,447 to wake up the neighbor. 483 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,650 There's Vivian, I think... No, Vivian's lost his keys... 484 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:10,684 No, there's Vivian! 485 00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,686 He's got the old woman, slowly but surely, 486 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:14,321 right in the midriff, and here he is. 487 00:19:14,388 --> 00:19:16,123 Here he is to wake up the neighbor now. 488 00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:18,325 Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, 489 00:19:18,392 --> 00:19:20,194 but he can't get this neighbor woken up. 490 00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:21,995 He's slamming away there as best he can. 491 00:19:22,062 --> 00:19:24,031 He's getting absolutely no reaction at all. 492 00:19:24,064 --> 00:19:26,934 There! there, he's woken him up and Simon's through. 493 00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:29,436 Here comes Vivian... Vivian to slam the door. 494 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,138 And there we are back at the hunt ball. 495 00:19:31,205 --> 00:19:32,406 I think that's Gervaise. 496 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,274 Yes, that's Gervaise going through there. 497 00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:36,276 And here... here comes Oliver, brave Oliver. 498 00:19:36,310 --> 00:19:37,845 Is he going to make it to the table? 499 00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:38,912 No, I don't think he is. 500 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,013 Yes, he is. 501 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,749 Oh! What a great twit! 502 00:19:42,816 --> 00:19:44,718 And the crowd are really rising to him there. 503 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:46,587 And there, I can see... who is that there? 504 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:47,721 Yes, that's Nigel. 505 00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:48,922 Nigel has woken the neighbor. 506 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,123 My God, this is exciting! 507 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,959 Nigel's very excited, he's going through. 508 00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:53,160 Here comes Gervaise. 509 00:19:53,227 --> 00:19:54,528 Gervaise... oh, no, this is... 510 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,762 Out in the front there is Simon 511 00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:57,197 Who is supposed to insult the waiter- 512 00:19:57,231 --> 00:19:58,298 and he's forgotten. 513 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:01,935 And oliver has run himself over. 514 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,971 What a great twit! 515 00:20:04,071 --> 00:20:05,639 And there... now here comes Vivian. 516 00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:08,442 Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him- 517 00:20:08,509 --> 00:20:09,977 and he is humiliating him there. 518 00:20:10,077 --> 00:20:11,411 And he's gone into the lead. 519 00:20:11,445 --> 00:20:12,646 Simon's not with him. 520 00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:14,081 No, Vivian's... has hit the bar. 521 00:20:14,114 --> 00:20:15,649 Now they've got to get over this bar. 522 00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:16,850 This is extremely difficult, 523 00:20:16,917 --> 00:20:18,852 as it requires absolutely expert coordination- 524 00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:19,953 between mind and body. 525 00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,522 No, they're hitting it there. 526 00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:22,856 Here we go again. 527 00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:24,124 Simon's fallen backwards. 528 00:20:24,191 --> 00:20:25,759 Here's Nigel, and he's tripped. 529 00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:27,427 Nigel has tripped, and he's under- 530 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:28,862 and Simon fails again. 531 00:20:28,896 --> 00:20:30,597 Now here is Gervaise, going to jump through- 532 00:20:30,664 --> 00:20:32,099 and Simon is through by accident. 533 00:20:32,132 --> 00:20:33,634 Here's Gervaise to be the last one over. 534 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:34,801 Here we are. 535 00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,236 Here's Nigel right at the head of the field- 536 00:20:36,270 --> 00:20:37,738 and now he's going to shoot the rabbit. 537 00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,439 These rabbits have been tied to the ground- 538 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,941 and they're going to be a bit frisky. 539 00:20:40,974 --> 00:20:42,176 And this is only a one-day event. 540 00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:43,577 And they're blazing away there. 541 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,646 They're not getting quite the results that they might. 542 00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,014 Gervaise is in there, 543 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,916 trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle. 544 00:20:48,949 --> 00:20:50,851 And I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, 545 00:20:50,884 --> 00:20:52,686 but they're not getting the results they might, 546 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:54,121 but it is a little bit misty today- 547 00:20:54,154 --> 00:20:56,690 and they must be shooting from a range of at least a foot. 548 00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:58,825 But there's a couple of hits there, I think. 549 00:20:58,892 --> 00:21:00,327 Yes, they've had a couple of hits- 550 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,563 and the whole field is up again and here they are. 551 00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,064 They're coming up to the debs-- 552 00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:06,066 Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third. 553 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,669 And now they've got to take the bras off from the front. 554 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,103 This is really difficult. 555 00:21:10,137 --> 00:21:11,839 This is really the most difficult part- 556 00:21:11,905 --> 00:21:13,240 of the entire competition. 557 00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:15,676 And they're having a bit of trouble in there, I think. 558 00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:18,812 They're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited- 559 00:21:18,879 --> 00:21:21,882 and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited, too. 560 00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:24,551 But anyway, Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through. 561 00:21:24,618 --> 00:21:27,988 Simon's in second place and... there's Oliver. 562 00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:30,090 He's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it. 563 00:21:30,157 --> 00:21:31,124 There goes Nigel. 564 00:21:31,191 --> 00:21:32,492 No, he's lost something. 565 00:21:32,526 --> 00:21:34,828 And Gervaise running through to this final obstacle. 566 00:21:34,862 --> 00:21:36,964 Now, all they have to do here to win the title is- 567 00:21:37,064 --> 00:21:38,098 to shoot themselves. 568 00:21:38,165 --> 00:21:39,399 Simon has a go-- bad luck, he misses. 569 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,767 Nigel misses. 570 00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:43,103 Now, there's Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself. 571 00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:46,273 Gervaise is upper-class twit of the year. 572 00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:48,976 There's Nigel-- he's shot Simon by mistake. 573 00:21:49,076 --> 00:21:51,178 Simon is second and there's Nigel. 574 00:21:51,245 --> 00:21:52,813 Nigel's shot himself. 575 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,748 Nigel is third in this fine 576 00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:57,951 And most exciting upper-class twit of the year I've ever seen. 577 00:21:58,018 --> 00:22:01,455 Wait-- Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place. 578 00:22:01,522 --> 00:22:04,958 And so the final result: the upper-class twit of the year-- 579 00:22:05,058 --> 00:22:08,128 Gervaise Brook-Hampster of Kensington and Weybridge; 580 00:22:08,195 --> 00:22:10,931 Runner-up-- Vivian Smith- Smythe-Smith of Kensington; 581 00:22:11,031 --> 00:22:13,500 And third-- Nigel Incubator- Jones of Henley. 582 00:22:13,534 --> 00:22:16,270 Well, there'll certainly be some car door slamming- 583 00:22:16,336 --> 00:22:18,338 in the streets of Kensington tonight. 584 00:22:18,405 --> 00:22:20,741 Dear sir, how splendid it is- 585 00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:23,343 to see the flower of British manhood- 586 00:22:23,410 --> 00:22:26,847 wiping itself out with such pluck and tenacity. 587 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,950 Britain need have no fear with leaders of this caliber. 588 00:22:30,050 --> 00:22:32,886 If only a few of the so-called working classes- 589 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,355 would destroy themselves so sportingly. 590 00:22:35,389 --> 00:22:36,723 Yours, etc. 591 00:22:36,757 --> 00:22:39,326 Brigadier Mainwaring Smith Smith Smith, etc. 592 00:22:39,393 --> 00:22:41,261 (deceased, etc.) 593 00:22:41,295 --> 00:22:44,765 P.s., etc. come on, other ranks, show your stuff. 594 00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:48,168 Yes, sir, I'll do me best, sir! 595 00:22:50,671 --> 00:22:52,806 No, not good enough. 596 00:22:55,509 --> 00:22:57,978 No, still not good enough. 597 00:23:01,682 --> 00:23:03,283 Yes, that's better. 598 00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:07,287 Hallelujah, hallelujah... 599 00:23:15,028 --> 00:23:16,663 Okay, all clear. 600 00:23:48,829 --> 00:23:50,297 Now, I understand- 601 00:23:50,330 --> 00:23:52,299 that you want to marry my daughter. 602 00:23:52,332 --> 00:23:55,936 That's right, yeah, yeah. 603 00:23:56,003 --> 00:23:57,471 Yes, you realize, of course, 604 00:23:57,504 --> 00:23:59,506 that Rosamund is still rather young? 605 00:23:59,573 --> 00:24:01,808 Daddy, you make me feel like a child. 606 00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,310 Oh, yeah, you know... 607 00:24:03,343 --> 00:24:05,479 Get them when they're young. 608 00:24:05,546 --> 00:24:06,780 You know what I mean?! 609 00:24:08,715 --> 00:24:11,185 I'm sure you know what I mean, mister... 610 00:24:11,218 --> 00:24:14,354 Shabby, Ken Shabby. 611 00:24:14,421 --> 00:24:15,923 Mr. Shabby, I just want to make sure- 612 00:24:15,989 --> 00:24:17,958 that you'll be able to look after my daughter. 613 00:24:18,025 --> 00:24:19,426 Oh, yeah, yeah. 614 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:22,396 I'll be able to look after her, all right, sport. 615 00:24:22,429 --> 00:24:24,131 You know what I mean? 616 00:24:24,198 --> 00:24:25,232 And... 617 00:24:25,299 --> 00:24:27,734 What job do you do? 618 00:24:27,768 --> 00:24:30,304 I clean out public lavatories. 619 00:24:32,372 --> 00:24:34,041 Is there a promotion involved? 620 00:24:34,107 --> 00:24:35,642 Oh, yeah, yeah. 621 00:24:38,445 --> 00:24:41,348 After five years, they give me a brush. 622 00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:47,955 I'm sorry, squire, I've gobbed on your carpet. 623 00:24:47,988 --> 00:24:50,724 And, where are you going to live? 624 00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:53,393 Well, round at my gran's. 625 00:24:53,460 --> 00:24:54,928 She trains polecats (illrar), 626 00:24:54,995 --> 00:24:56,730 but most of them have suffocated, 627 00:24:56,797 --> 00:24:59,833 so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic? 628 00:24:59,900 --> 00:25:01,335 Know what I mean? 629 00:25:01,368 --> 00:25:02,569 I see. 630 00:25:02,636 --> 00:25:04,771 And when do you expect to get married? 631 00:25:04,838 --> 00:25:07,841 Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know? 632 00:25:07,908 --> 00:25:09,810 I haven't had it for weeks. 633 00:25:11,078 --> 00:25:14,481 Well, look, I'll phone the bishop- 634 00:25:14,515 --> 00:25:16,316 and see if we can get the abbey. 635 00:25:16,350 --> 00:25:18,318 Oh, diarrhea. 636 00:25:20,854 --> 00:25:22,256 The story so far... 637 00:25:22,289 --> 00:25:24,191 Rosamund's father has become ensnared- 638 00:25:24,224 --> 00:25:26,827 by mr. Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism. 639 00:25:26,894 --> 00:25:29,530 Bob and Janet have eaten mr. Farquar's goldfish- 640 00:25:29,596 --> 00:25:31,532 during an Oxfam lunch- 641 00:25:31,565 --> 00:25:33,500 and mrs. Elsmore's marriage is threatened- 642 00:25:33,534 --> 00:25:34,868 by Doug's insistence that he is- 643 00:25:34,902 --> 00:25:36,436 on a different level of consciousness. 644 00:25:36,503 --> 00:25:38,572 Louise's hernia (br�ck) has been confirmed- 645 00:25:38,639 --> 00:25:41,108 and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of The Lancet, 646 00:25:41,175 --> 00:25:45,345 on his way to see Jenny, a freelance pagoda designer. 647 00:25:45,412 --> 00:25:46,947 On the other side of the continent, 648 00:25:47,014 --> 00:25:49,216 Napoleon still broods over the smoldering remains- 649 00:25:49,283 --> 00:25:51,618 of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer, 650 00:25:51,652 --> 00:25:54,087 whilst Mary, Roger's half-sister, 651 00:25:54,121 --> 00:25:56,690 settles down to watch television. 652 00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:02,763 There now follows a party political broadcast- 653 00:26:02,829 --> 00:26:04,798 on behalf of the Wood party. 654 00:26:04,831 --> 00:26:06,200 Good evening. 655 00:26:06,233 --> 00:26:08,735 We in the Wood party feel very strongly- 656 00:26:08,802 --> 00:26:12,706 that the present weak drafting of the local government bill, 657 00:26:12,739 --> 00:26:15,175 leaves a lot to be desired- 658 00:26:15,209 --> 00:26:17,344 and we intend to fight. 659 00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:24,351 Hello? 660 00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:27,020 Hello?! 661 00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:31,225 I'm afraid the minister's fallen through the earth's crust. 662 00:26:31,291 --> 00:26:33,227 Excuse me a moment. 663 00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:34,228 Hello? 664 00:26:34,261 --> 00:26:35,596 Hello. 665 00:26:35,629 --> 00:26:37,197 Are you all right, minister? 666 00:26:37,264 --> 00:26:40,367 I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge thing. 667 00:26:40,434 --> 00:26:42,903 Shall we lower down one of the BBC ropes? 668 00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:44,471 If you'd be so kind. 669 00:26:44,538 --> 00:26:45,906 What length of BBC rope- 670 00:26:45,939 --> 00:26:47,474 will we be likely to need? 671 00:26:47,541 --> 00:26:49,610 I should use the longest BBC rope. 672 00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:52,312 That would be a good idea, I would imagine. 673 00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:54,348 Okey-doke, chief. 674 00:26:54,381 --> 00:26:57,684 Tex, get the longest BBC rope and bring it here pronto. 675 00:26:57,718 --> 00:26:59,987 In the meantime, since I am on all channels, 676 00:27:00,020 --> 00:27:02,523 perhaps I'd better carry on with this broadcast, 677 00:27:02,589 --> 00:27:04,458 by shouting about our housing plans, 678 00:27:04,491 --> 00:27:06,126 from down here as best as I can. 679 00:27:06,193 --> 00:27:08,195 Could someone throw me down a script? 680 00:27:09,897 --> 00:27:11,431 The script would appear- 681 00:27:11,498 --> 00:27:13,467 to have landed on a different ledge, 682 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,869 somewhat out of my grasp, don't you know. 683 00:27:15,903 --> 00:27:18,338 Well, perhaps when the rope reaches you, minister, 684 00:27:18,372 --> 00:27:19,773 you could kind of swing over- 685 00:27:19,806 --> 00:27:21,008 to the ledge and grab it. 686 00:27:21,074 --> 00:27:22,142 Good idea. 687 00:27:22,209 --> 00:27:23,844 Well, I'm going to carry on- 688 00:27:23,911 --> 00:27:25,479 if I can read the script. 689 00:27:27,848 --> 00:27:28,916 Good evening. 690 00:27:29,016 --> 00:27:30,350 We in the Wood party... 691 00:27:31,518 --> 00:27:32,986 Feel very strongly about... 692 00:27:35,522 --> 00:27:38,825 the present weak drafting of the local government bill. 693 00:27:38,859 --> 00:27:41,295 And... no, it's no good, it's not working. 694 00:27:41,328 --> 00:27:44,164 I think I'll have to try and make a grab for it. 695 00:27:44,198 --> 00:27:46,500 Ah! There we are. 696 00:27:48,035 --> 00:27:49,570 Good evening. 697 00:27:49,636 --> 00:27:52,806 We in the Wood party feel very strongly about the present... 698 00:27:54,541 --> 00:27:56,977 Oh, dear. 699 00:27:57,044 --> 00:27:57,978 Hello! 700 00:27:58,045 --> 00:27:59,146 Hello! 701 00:27:59,213 --> 00:28:01,215 Look, I must look a bit of a chump, 702 00:28:01,281 --> 00:28:03,183 hanging upside down like this. 703 00:28:03,217 --> 00:28:04,885 Don't worry, minister. 704 00:28:04,985 --> 00:28:07,487 I think, love, if we turn the picture upside down, 705 00:28:07,554 --> 00:28:09,256 we should help the minister, then. 706 00:28:09,323 --> 00:28:10,624 Oh, good. 707 00:28:10,657 --> 00:28:12,292 Look, I'm sorry about this. 708 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,761 There seems to be a few gremlins about. 709 00:28:14,795 --> 00:28:17,497 I think I'd better start from the beginning. 710 00:28:17,564 --> 00:28:19,132 Good evening. 711 00:28:19,199 --> 00:28:22,836 We in the Wood party feel very strongly about... 712 00:28:22,903 --> 00:28:24,505 Oh, bloody heck! 713 00:28:25,739 --> 00:28:28,208 Oh, dear. 714 00:28:28,242 --> 00:28:31,044 Terribly sorry about this... 715 00:28:31,078 --> 00:28:33,514 About saying "bloody heck" on all channels, but... 716 00:28:33,547 --> 00:28:35,883 There's another script on the way down, minister. 717 00:28:35,916 --> 00:28:37,885 Oh, good, good. 718 00:28:37,918 --> 00:28:41,221 Well... good evening. 719 00:28:41,255 --> 00:28:45,459 Well, how are you? 720 00:28:45,526 --> 00:28:48,462 Oh, look, I don't want you to think of the Wood party- 721 00:28:48,495 --> 00:28:51,465 as a load of old men that like hanging around on ropes, 722 00:28:51,532 --> 00:28:54,301 only I... 723 00:28:54,368 --> 00:28:55,702 Thank you. 724 00:28:56,703 --> 00:28:57,938 Good evening. 725 00:28:58,005 --> 00:29:00,407 We in the Wood party feel very strongly- 726 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,476 about the present weak drafting... 727 00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:06,079 Look, I think we'd better call it a day. 728 00:29:06,146 --> 00:29:07,748 Is this the furthest distance- 729 00:29:07,814 --> 00:29:09,683 that a minister has fallen? Robert. 730 00:29:09,716 --> 00:29:10,884 Surprisingly not. 731 00:29:11,018 --> 00:29:13,153 The Canadian minister for external affairs- 732 00:29:13,220 --> 00:29:14,721 fell nearly seven miles, 733 00:29:14,788 --> 00:29:17,758 during a liberal conference in Ottawa about six years ago. 734 00:29:17,824 --> 00:29:19,092 And then quite recently, 735 00:29:19,159 --> 00:29:20,894 the Kenyan minister for agric. and fish, 736 00:29:21,028 --> 00:29:22,129 fell nearly 12 miles, 737 00:29:22,196 --> 00:29:23,897 during a Nairobi debate in parliament; 738 00:29:23,964 --> 00:29:25,799 although this hasn't been ratified yet. 739 00:29:25,832 --> 00:29:28,502 How far did the Filipino cabinet fall last march? 740 00:29:28,569 --> 00:29:30,070 Well, they fell nearly 39 miles 741 00:29:30,137 --> 00:29:32,606 But it's not nearly so remarkable, as that was due- 742 00:29:32,639 --> 00:29:34,808 to their combined weight, of course, Robert. 743 00:29:34,875 --> 00:29:36,276 Yes, well, thank you, Robert. 744 00:29:36,310 --> 00:29:38,645 Well now, what are your reactions to all this? Robert. 745 00:29:38,679 --> 00:29:39,913 Well... well, Robert 746 00:29:40,047 --> 00:29:41,515 The main thing is that it's terribly exciting, 747 00:29:41,548 --> 00:29:42,683 tremendously exciting. 748 00:29:42,749 --> 00:29:44,251 You see, the minister is quite clearly lodged- 749 00:29:44,318 --> 00:29:46,720 between rocks we know terribly little of, terribly little. 750 00:29:46,753 --> 00:29:49,089 Of course, the main thing is we're getting color pictures- 751 00:29:49,122 --> 00:29:50,490 of an extraordinarily high quality. 752 00:29:50,524 --> 00:29:51,658 Extraordinarily high quality. 753 00:29:51,725 --> 00:29:52,860 But the important thing is... 754 00:29:52,926 --> 00:29:54,428 The really exciting thing is, 755 00:29:54,494 --> 00:29:56,663 the minister will be bringing back samples of the earth's core, 756 00:29:56,730 --> 00:29:57,931 which will give us a tremendous, 757 00:29:58,065 --> 00:29:59,967 really tremendous, tremendous, tremendous clue, 758 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,569 as to the origins of the earth and what God himself is made of. 759 00:30:02,636 --> 00:30:03,737 Oh, oh, I needed that. 760 00:30:03,804 --> 00:30:04,771 Thank you, Robert. 761 00:30:04,805 --> 00:30:05,772 Well, that seems to be- 762 00:30:05,839 --> 00:30:07,307 about all we have time for tonight, 763 00:30:07,374 --> 00:30:09,109 unless anyone has anything else to say. 764 00:30:09,176 --> 00:30:10,644 Has anyone anything else to say? 765 00:30:10,711 --> 00:30:11,178 No. 766 00:30:11,245 --> 00:30:12,212 Nope, nope. 767 00:30:12,246 --> 00:30:12,746 No. 768 00:30:13,647 --> 00:30:15,415 No. 769 00:30:15,482 --> 00:30:16,450 No. 770 00:30:16,483 --> 00:30:16,950 No. 771 00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:17,518 No. 772 00:30:17,584 --> 00:30:18,585 No! 773 00:30:18,652 --> 00:30:19,119 No. 774 00:30:19,186 --> 00:30:19,820 No. 775 00:30:19,887 --> 00:30:20,921 Bloody fairy. 776 00:30:20,988 --> 00:30:21,455 No. 777 00:30:21,522 --> 00:30:22,489 No! 778 00:30:22,556 --> 00:30:25,526 No. 779 00:30:25,592 --> 00:30:26,193 No. 780 00:30:26,260 --> 00:30:27,160 No. 781 00:30:27,194 --> 00:30:28,095 Nein... no. 782 00:30:28,128 --> 00:30:29,763 No. 783 00:30:29,830 --> 00:30:32,699 No, no, no, no. 784 00:30:32,733 --> 00:30:33,767 What do we mean by "no"? 785 00:30:33,834 --> 00:30:34,935 What do we mean by "yes"? 786 00:30:35,002 --> 00:30:36,637 What do we mean by "no, no, no"? 787 00:30:36,703 --> 00:30:39,439 Tonight Spectrum looks at the whole question of "what is no?" 788 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,062 Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player 789 00:30:43,112 --> 00:30:47,662 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 56770

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.