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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,843 --> 00:00:02,203 Kids, you may be wondering 2 00:00:02,328 --> 00:00:04,757 how many of these stories I'm telling you are true. 3 00:00:04,882 --> 00:00:07,277 It's a fair question. After all, there's a fine line 4 00:00:07,402 --> 00:00:10,102 between a good story and a bald-faced lie. 5 00:00:11,621 --> 00:00:14,891 I've never met anyone who could work that line better than your uncle Barney. 6 00:00:15,157 --> 00:00:16,641 Heck, he could jump rope with it. 7 00:00:16,910 --> 00:00:19,260 - I love to travel myself. - Really? 8 00:00:19,580 --> 00:00:22,229 - Where's the best place you've visited? - Hawaii's nice. 9 00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:25,775 A buddy of mine lives in Seattle. That's a good spot. 10 00:00:26,269 --> 00:00:29,111 But the best place? I'd have to say the moon. 11 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,116 Hi, Neil Armstrong. 12 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:35,629 You did not convince a girl that you were the first man to walk on the moon! 13 00:00:35,754 --> 00:00:37,787 That happened 7 years before you were born! 14 00:00:38,089 --> 00:00:40,393 Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle. 15 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:44,279 Yeah, well, our spaceship passed through a wormhole 16 00:00:44,404 --> 00:00:46,673 or some gamma rays or something. 17 00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:49,546 I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah. 18 00:00:49,671 --> 00:00:52,259 So, you work in a yogurt shop. That must be wild. 19 00:00:54,056 --> 00:00:57,909 Although, I did actually work in a yogurt store in high school. 20 00:00:58,034 --> 00:00:59,534 And it was indeed... 21 00:01:00,731 --> 00:01:01,602 wild. 22 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:05,940 Anyhoo, 20 minutes later, the eagle landed. 23 00:01:06,475 --> 00:01:08,401 We knocked space boots. 24 00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:10,736 Houston, we have a moaner. 25 00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:14,501 Other space-related double entendres. 26 00:01:15,494 --> 00:01:17,320 Why do you feel the need to lie all the time? 27 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,995 I'm not lying! Guys, we made sweet love. 28 00:01:20,364 --> 00:01:21,455 I got pictures. 29 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,780 - I hate my job. - What are you talking about? 30 00:01:27,905 --> 00:01:30,443 - I thought you interviewed the mayor. - Mayor Mcwoof. 31 00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:33,050 He wears a dog costume and teaches kids not to litter. 32 00:01:33,517 --> 00:01:35,052 At least he's supposed to. 33 00:01:35,472 --> 00:01:37,606 I don't want to talk about mayor Mcwoof. 34 00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:40,618 I want to talk about these amazing insoles 35 00:01:40,743 --> 00:01:42,111 from bon appe-feet! 36 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,478 Just look how shock-absorbent they are! 37 00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,245 Prop table! Table's a prop! 38 00:01:47,993 --> 00:01:49,150 We'll be right back. 39 00:01:51,454 --> 00:01:52,653 We'll be right back. 40 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,532 Sorry, Robin. Got bored. 41 00:01:57,063 --> 00:01:58,492 Yeah, I don't blame you. 42 00:01:59,812 --> 00:02:03,750 Man, just one decent interview would be so nice for a change. 43 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:07,512 Fine. I'll look at my schedule, see when I'm available. 44 00:02:07,637 --> 00:02:09,605 I want a list of questions ahead of time, 45 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,422 and my personal life is off limits. 46 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:15,885 You caught seven peanuts in a row. It's impressive, but not newsworthy. 47 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:19,346 - You caught seven in a row? - Seven in a row. 48 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,476 That's not about that. 49 00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:24,226 I'm talking about how I was selected to build 50 00:02:24,396 --> 00:02:26,739 a scale model of the Empire State Building 51 00:02:26,864 --> 00:02:30,441 for the largest recreation of the New York skyline in the world. 52 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,995 Is that the thing you were playing with the other night? 53 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,708 I wasn't playing. I was working. 54 00:02:36,444 --> 00:02:37,500 "It's you." 55 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:38,574 "It's me." 56 00:02:38,994 --> 00:02:40,534 "I saw you in the street. 57 00:02:40,929 --> 00:02:42,179 "Are you Annie?" 58 00:02:45,849 --> 00:02:49,755 Are you acting out the last scene of Sleepless in Seattlewith dolls? 59 00:02:51,356 --> 00:02:53,631 - How long have you been out here? - Ten seconds. 60 00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:55,300 Yeah. Just the last scene. 61 00:02:58,036 --> 00:02:58,844 Again? 62 00:02:59,664 --> 00:03:02,306 That's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash? 63 00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:05,489 You know, I actually... 64 00:03:05,614 --> 00:03:07,728 I don't think that I should have to pay. 65 00:03:09,139 --> 00:03:11,607 'Cause I'm not a fan of pizza. 66 00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:13,818 What?! 67 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,680 We've driven halfway across the country 68 00:03:15,805 --> 00:03:17,947 for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times. 69 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,710 I once caught you eating pizza in the shower. 70 00:03:20,835 --> 00:03:23,577 Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons. 71 00:03:23,747 --> 00:03:25,736 I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, 72 00:03:25,861 --> 00:03:28,862 but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says, "You got to stop pizza". 73 00:03:28,987 --> 00:03:31,333 Marshall says, "Why?" Doc says, "So I can examine you". 74 00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:33,337 But seriously, we kid because we love. 75 00:03:33,507 --> 00:03:36,885 All right, the reason that I don't have any money on me... 76 00:03:37,211 --> 00:03:38,316 is because... 77 00:03:40,355 --> 00:03:41,428 I got mugged. 78 00:03:41,706 --> 00:03:42,856 You...? What? 79 00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:47,204 Can somebody please pay Arthur? All right? I'm starving! 80 00:03:47,329 --> 00:03:49,103 - How's your dad? - Better. 81 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:50,271 Good. 82 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:53,468 Synchro: ShalimarFox, JoJo13 83 00:04:01,368 --> 00:04:03,826 .:: www.sous-titres.eu ::. 84 00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:06,537 - You got mugged?! - Who mugged you? 85 00:04:06,707 --> 00:04:09,144 Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap and a five o'clock shadow? 86 00:04:09,269 --> 00:04:12,998 - Did he say, "Stick 'em up?" - Yes, because I got mugged in 1947 87 00:04:13,123 --> 00:04:15,129 at the corner of Abbott and Costello. No. 88 00:04:15,514 --> 00:04:18,090 I was cutting through central park on my way home from work... 89 00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:20,426 Watch it. 90 00:04:20,596 --> 00:04:22,144 Don't get any closer. 91 00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:23,746 It's cool. 92 00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:25,481 It's cool. 93 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,644 It was... completely terrifying. 94 00:04:30,946 --> 00:04:33,432 It was... completely terrifying. 95 00:04:34,318 --> 00:04:35,943 - What are you doing? - Rehearsing. 96 00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:38,986 I'm gonna pretend this happened to me to try and get some sympathy sex. 97 00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:41,822 Barney, that won't work. Will it? 98 00:04:41,993 --> 00:04:43,793 - Big time. - I'll allow it. 99 00:04:43,918 --> 00:04:47,513 I can't believe someone pointed a gun at my Marshmallow. 100 00:04:47,638 --> 00:04:50,945 I'm shaking. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. 101 00:04:51,335 --> 00:04:53,834 Here, sweetie. I have something that will help you sleep. 102 00:04:55,704 --> 00:04:58,505 Just stick this under your pillow. You'll sleep like a freakin' baby. 103 00:04:58,676 --> 00:05:00,007 Put that away. 104 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:02,736 It's not going to hurt anyone. The safety's... 105 00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:03,621 On. 106 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,517 Okay, you know what? Let's all just relax. 107 00:05:07,817 --> 00:05:09,317 We don't need a gun. 108 00:05:09,694 --> 00:05:11,979 I'd just like to forget this ever happened 109 00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:13,729 and try to move on with my life. 110 00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:15,749 Just like to forget this ever happened 111 00:05:15,874 --> 00:05:18,028 and try to move on with my life. 112 00:05:18,153 --> 00:05:20,861 This is great stuff. I think I'm gonna add tears, though. 113 00:05:21,032 --> 00:05:24,031 Listen, baby, I know that it's scary, but look at me. 114 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,528 I'm fine, okay? 115 00:05:26,653 --> 00:05:28,535 Can we just put this behind us? 116 00:05:28,706 --> 00:05:32,122 That's gold, but I'm going to switch it to "put me behind you". 117 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,553 Baby, you don't have to worry about me. 118 00:05:36,012 --> 00:05:38,490 Yes, I'm a little scared, but I'm a New Yorker. 119 00:05:38,615 --> 00:05:40,422 I'm not gonna let this change me. 120 00:05:40,951 --> 00:05:41,961 I've changed! 121 00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,051 I'm a gun person now. 122 00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:48,762 - Clip! - Maybe we should just take a break... 123 00:05:48,887 --> 00:05:50,724 I said, "clip". 124 00:05:53,428 --> 00:05:55,646 You want to get a gun? Not a scary one. 125 00:05:55,816 --> 00:05:57,379 Just a cute, little, pink Beretta 126 00:05:57,504 --> 00:06:00,052 that matches these adorable strappy sandals I just bought. 127 00:06:00,177 --> 00:06:01,860 And, our new credit card works. 128 00:06:02,031 --> 00:06:03,630 You don't need a gun. 129 00:06:03,755 --> 00:06:06,034 Every statistic in the world points to the fact 130 00:06:06,159 --> 00:06:09,037 that it's safer not to have a gun in the home than to have one, 131 00:06:09,162 --> 00:06:11,114 especially in our home. 132 00:06:11,239 --> 00:06:13,205 You know how I'm always accidentally injuring you. 133 00:06:13,683 --> 00:06:15,133 Pretty easy, right? 134 00:06:28,531 --> 00:06:30,967 Hurry up, baby. The party's about to start. 135 00:06:35,002 --> 00:06:38,063 My god, Lily! I thought you were going as a sexy cat! 136 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:40,334 I changed my mind. 137 00:06:41,445 --> 00:06:43,588 And now you want to bring a gun into that equation? 138 00:06:43,713 --> 00:06:47,108 I know, you're right, but every time I close my eyes, 139 00:06:47,233 --> 00:06:49,902 I picture that guy pointing a gun at you. 140 00:06:50,794 --> 00:06:52,379 You're my whole world. 141 00:06:52,504 --> 00:06:55,164 If something ever happened to you, I would just... 142 00:06:55,475 --> 00:06:57,693 Okay... No, I know. I know. 143 00:06:58,352 --> 00:07:00,085 OK, I've got to admit something. 144 00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:04,176 That mugging didn't happen exactly the way that I said it did. 145 00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:07,745 So he was wearing a black, skull-knit cap. 146 00:07:07,870 --> 00:07:11,388 - Told... Ja! - No, he wasn't wearing that. 147 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,224 He wasn't wearing anything. 148 00:07:15,678 --> 00:07:17,189 Wait, so... 149 00:07:18,768 --> 00:07:20,893 Watch it. Don't get any closer. 150 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,458 It's... It's cool. 151 00:07:24,586 --> 00:07:25,586 It's cool. 152 00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:27,529 He naked-muggered you? 153 00:07:27,982 --> 00:07:30,034 I'm not gonna ask where he was keeping the gun. 154 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,909 Are we sure it was a gun? 155 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:35,136 No, guys, I was walking home from work... 156 00:07:36,599 --> 00:07:38,149 Through Central Park, 157 00:07:38,402 --> 00:07:40,417 and I stopped at the zoo. 158 00:07:43,447 --> 00:07:45,547 Watch it. Don't get any closer. 159 00:07:46,358 --> 00:07:48,008 It's cool. It's cool. 160 00:07:55,618 --> 00:07:57,519 You're telling us... 161 00:07:58,871 --> 00:08:00,556 That you got mugged... 162 00:08:01,066 --> 00:08:02,164 By a monkey. 163 00:08:02,909 --> 00:08:04,659 I got mugged by a monkey. 164 00:08:13,997 --> 00:08:16,667 You got mugged by a monkey? 165 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,838 Yep, I got mugged by a monkey. 166 00:08:18,963 --> 00:08:21,218 I was embarrassed, so I made up the other story. 167 00:08:21,343 --> 00:08:23,605 But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun. 168 00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:26,171 Forget about the gun. We're on this now. 169 00:08:26,584 --> 00:08:29,925 Monkeys are mugging people now? It really is a jungle out there. 170 00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:32,308 Oh, my god! That monkey has our address. 171 00:08:32,433 --> 00:08:33,919 What if he's in a gang? 172 00:08:34,044 --> 00:08:36,098 I hope he doesn't do a swing-by. 173 00:08:37,696 --> 00:08:40,394 Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper to get your wallet back? 174 00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,537 'Cause I saw what the monkey was doing with it, 175 00:08:42,662 --> 00:08:44,540 and I didn't really want it after that. 176 00:08:45,062 --> 00:08:46,639 Hey, guys. What's up? 177 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:51,238 Some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging. 178 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,116 - Really? Did they catch the guy? - Well, he's behind bars. 179 00:08:55,378 --> 00:08:56,952 Where did they find him? 180 00:08:57,122 --> 00:09:00,167 I'm guessing naked in a tree, throwing his own feces. 181 00:09:01,153 --> 00:09:03,250 I've seen that guy. See, that's why I take cabs. 182 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,043 You know how they caught him, right? 183 00:09:06,718 --> 00:09:08,964 - There was a tail on him. - There was a tail on him! 184 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,401 What is going on? 185 00:09:12,754 --> 00:09:15,179 All right, Robin, here's what happened. 186 00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,805 Let me tell it. It's my story. 187 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,768 You see, young Marshall was at the zoo eating a banana... 188 00:09:24,232 --> 00:09:26,857 I wasn't eating a banana! If you're gonna tell it, tell it right. 189 00:09:27,503 --> 00:09:29,818 You're right. The banana was on the ground. 190 00:09:42,911 --> 00:09:44,374 There was no banana! 191 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,001 There was no banana. 192 00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,128 Marshall, I apologize... Truly. 193 00:09:49,276 --> 00:09:50,686 Robin, here's what happened. 194 00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:55,104 God, don't shoot. 195 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,304 - There was no banana! - Oh, come on. 196 00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:00,724 Barney, I know Marshall didn't get mugged by a monkey. 197 00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,187 He got right. 198 00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:09,554 This is not an uncommon thing, okay? 199 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:11,640 In Thailand, in China, 200 00:10:11,765 --> 00:10:14,769 in Costa Rica, people get mugged by monkeys all the time. 201 00:10:14,894 --> 00:10:17,930 Monkeys are gatherers. Because of their intersocial dynamics, 202 00:10:18,055 --> 00:10:19,660 having a predisposition towards 203 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,703 stealing gives one a genetic advantage. 204 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,373 You were mugged by a monkey! 205 00:10:25,365 --> 00:10:28,252 Maybe he was just curious. Were you wearing a yellow hat? 206 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:33,507 Seriousness, this is a great story. Can I interview you about it on my show? 207 00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:36,551 What? He gets to be on your show? What about my model? 208 00:10:36,721 --> 00:10:39,221 No one wants to see a guy playing with dolls. 209 00:10:39,546 --> 00:10:41,702 First of all, that is not what it is. 210 00:10:41,948 --> 00:10:44,851 And second of all, you just had a guy on your show playing with dolls. 211 00:10:45,405 --> 00:10:48,855 Your dolls are favored at the Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month. 212 00:10:49,238 --> 00:10:50,899 Only if they behave themselves. 213 00:10:51,069 --> 00:10:54,069 Last year, I found one of them cavorting with a G.I. Joe. 214 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,484 It's not funny. 215 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,075 What were you thinking? What if you'd gotten pregnant? 216 00:11:01,183 --> 00:11:03,620 And you invited him back for a follow-up interview. 217 00:11:03,902 --> 00:11:07,582 Because the FBI asked us to keep him occupied while they search his house. 218 00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,387 I need this story. It's got everything: 219 00:11:12,512 --> 00:11:13,980 crime, monkeys, 220 00:11:14,105 --> 00:11:16,226 no stupid model of the Empire State Building 221 00:11:16,351 --> 00:11:19,469 that takes up my entire living room and makes the place smell like glue. 222 00:11:21,359 --> 00:11:23,515 Do this for me... as a friend? 223 00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,434 It'd be fun to see you on TV. 224 00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:29,070 Can you promise 225 00:11:29,445 --> 00:11:32,175 to present it in a way that doesn't make a joke 226 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,401 out of the fact that I got mugged by a monkey? 227 00:11:36,066 --> 00:11:37,946 You got mugged by a monkey. 228 00:11:40,777 --> 00:11:41,742 Oh, my God. 229 00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:43,702 - I just got mugged. - What? 230 00:11:43,872 --> 00:11:46,449 Is what I was saying to this girl at the bar earlier... 231 00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:49,124 It was completely terrifying. 232 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,462 I just want to forget this ever happened and try to move on with my life. 233 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,297 You poor thing. 234 00:11:55,617 --> 00:11:56,402 Neil? 235 00:11:59,722 --> 00:12:02,012 Lady, my name's not Neil. It's Bar... 236 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,985 Why are you calling him Neil? 237 00:12:05,110 --> 00:12:07,768 Because that's his name. He's Neil Armstrong. 238 00:12:07,938 --> 00:12:08,977 The cyclist? 239 00:12:09,625 --> 00:12:11,730 You were supposed to be on a shuttle mission? 240 00:12:12,025 --> 00:12:13,523 I thought you just got mugged. 241 00:12:16,079 --> 00:12:17,152 I can do this. 242 00:12:17,427 --> 00:12:20,966 You see, I was on my way to the launch pad 243 00:12:21,494 --> 00:12:23,742 when I was mugged. 244 00:12:24,236 --> 00:12:24,993 And... 245 00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:26,298 the mugger 246 00:12:26,907 --> 00:12:28,993 took my space shuttle keys. 247 00:12:29,118 --> 00:12:31,124 Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way? 248 00:12:31,513 --> 00:12:33,255 - I am. - Me, too. 249 00:12:34,465 --> 00:12:37,267 And it was the best three-way ever. 250 00:12:37,513 --> 00:12:41,176 Strange, 'cause you look like you had two vodka tonics thrown in your face. 251 00:12:41,662 --> 00:12:43,345 And you have lime in your hair. 252 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,041 The story's better with my ending. 253 00:12:48,354 --> 00:12:50,080 Just... okay? 254 00:12:51,486 --> 00:12:53,522 There we are, zero gravity. 255 00:12:53,692 --> 00:12:55,857 The three of us wearing nothing but space helmets. 256 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,507 You won't believe it. 257 00:12:58,632 --> 00:13:01,947 I pitched the monkey mugger story to my producer and he loves it! 258 00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:05,833 Really? 259 00:13:05,958 --> 00:13:08,203 Who's ever heard of a guy getting mugged by a monkey? 260 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:11,287 No one except for the good people of Thailand, 261 00:13:11,412 --> 00:13:14,154 China, Costa Rica, and plenty of other countries 262 00:13:14,279 --> 00:13:16,795 where monkey crime is an extremely common nuisance. 263 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:20,132 The best part is, he said that it might get picked up to go national. Guys. 264 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,117 This monkey mugger story could make me famous. 265 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,140 Me, too. 266 00:13:27,628 --> 00:13:30,230 Guys, this is bad. I can't, I can't do this. 267 00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:33,396 - It'll be embarrassing... so what? - It's not that. 268 00:13:37,004 --> 00:13:38,754 I wasn't mugged by a monkey. 269 00:13:42,924 --> 00:13:45,490 So, you weren't mugged by a monkey? 270 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,808 No, I wasn't. 271 00:13:47,263 --> 00:13:48,846 So what you're saying is... 272 00:13:48,971 --> 00:13:52,372 the monkey tricked you into giving him your wallet? 273 00:13:52,543 --> 00:13:55,041 - No, that's not what I'm saying. - So you mugged the monkey? 274 00:13:55,863 --> 00:13:57,127 There was no monkey! 275 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,087 It was a human being with a gun. 276 00:14:00,605 --> 00:14:02,660 Are you sure it wasn't one monkey 277 00:14:02,785 --> 00:14:06,178 standing on another monkey's shoulders, wearing a men's trench coat? 278 00:14:06,607 --> 00:14:08,251 Be about the right height. 279 00:14:08,969 --> 00:14:10,429 I just made that story up 280 00:14:10,554 --> 00:14:12,851 so taht Lily wouldn't get a gun. That never happened. 281 00:14:14,711 --> 00:14:16,396 - I don't buy it. - What? 282 00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:19,019 You heard me. I think you were mugged by a monkey. 283 00:14:19,144 --> 00:14:22,903 You don't want to go on the show 'cause it'll make you look like a joke. 284 00:14:23,073 --> 00:14:25,739 - Won't it? - The biggest, 'cause it's so funny. 285 00:14:26,551 --> 00:14:28,492 Well, it never happened, okay? 286 00:14:28,662 --> 00:14:30,744 I can't lie to you 'cause you're my friends. 287 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,078 I am, but go on. 288 00:14:32,249 --> 00:14:34,831 But I can't lie about it on national TV. 289 00:14:36,873 --> 00:14:39,169 You've known him the longest. Is he telling the truth? 290 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:42,931 Ted, don't... 291 00:14:49,997 --> 00:14:51,216 I can't tell. 292 00:14:53,384 --> 00:14:54,579 He smells good. 293 00:14:56,173 --> 00:14:58,036 But I just can't tell. 294 00:15:01,327 --> 00:15:03,226 I'm still saying it happened. 295 00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:05,019 Maybe. But, Marshall, 296 00:15:05,464 --> 00:15:07,339 if you didn't get mugged by a monkey, 297 00:15:07,464 --> 00:15:10,450 you can't let Robin report it. This could hurt her credibility. 298 00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:13,312 Journalists lie all the time. 299 00:15:13,437 --> 00:15:16,453 I'm sorry, but I will believe that Jack Palance is dead 300 00:15:16,578 --> 00:15:17,965 when I see the body. 301 00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:21,628 This may come as a shock to you, Barney, but people don't like to be lied to. 302 00:15:21,798 --> 00:15:25,116 Wrong! They don't like finding out they've been lied to. 303 00:15:25,241 --> 00:15:29,124 "Because a lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth. " 304 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:33,655 Case in point, what that girl Sarah did to me! 305 00:15:33,977 --> 00:15:35,725 I think you mean what you did to her. 306 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,166 No, I mean what she did to me. 307 00:15:38,541 --> 00:15:39,691 The truth is, 308 00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:43,275 I'm afraid the three-way story didn't go exactly the way I said it did. 309 00:15:43,654 --> 00:15:45,777 Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way? 310 00:15:48,924 --> 00:15:49,948 Lisa, wait. 311 00:15:50,904 --> 00:15:51,825 Yes, Neil? 312 00:15:52,088 --> 00:15:54,160 - You're Lisa? - Sarah, wait. 313 00:15:56,049 --> 00:15:56,940 Look... 314 00:15:58,557 --> 00:15:59,916 I'm not Neil Armstrong. 315 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:01,960 I'm sorry I lied. 316 00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:06,657 I guess I wasn't completely honest with you, either. 317 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,344 I said that I was 28, but the truth is that I'm really 31. 318 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,453 31! 319 00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,898 I was happy, very happy, 320 00:16:20,344 --> 00:16:24,190 thinking that I had nailed a 28-year-old with some sun damage. 321 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,124 People want the lie. 322 00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:29,983 Marshall, they need the lie, which is why, 323 00:16:30,108 --> 00:16:32,760 as far as I'm concerned, you were mugged by a monkey. 324 00:16:32,885 --> 00:16:35,910 Just as sure as I had that three-way. 325 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,756 I am the greatest in the world! 326 00:16:41,510 --> 00:16:43,501 - Is that the three-way belt? - You know it. 327 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:44,580 Props! 328 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,757 Man, I slept so great last night. 329 00:16:49,219 --> 00:16:51,734 Can you believe I almost bought a gun? 330 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,262 I'm so glad you got mugged by a monkey. 331 00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:00,065 You guys got me. 332 00:17:00,405 --> 00:17:03,521 I was just nervous. I got mugged by a monkey. 333 00:17:03,692 --> 00:17:04,981 Yes! I knew it. 334 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:08,818 Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking you really weren't mugged by a monkey. 335 00:17:08,989 --> 00:17:10,987 Why would he make something like that up? 336 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,288 Yeah, come on, Ted. 337 00:17:13,425 --> 00:17:14,386 Come here. 338 00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:22,249 Seriously, what is that cologne? 339 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:23,702 It's intoxicating. 340 00:17:24,909 --> 00:17:28,380 So, late the following night, we all went to the set of Robin's show. 341 00:17:28,550 --> 00:17:31,325 Don't be nervous. What we're gonna do is we're going to sit you... 342 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,153 What the hell is this? 343 00:17:33,278 --> 00:17:36,304 I don't know. Looks like something covered by a sheet. 344 00:17:36,475 --> 00:17:39,432 Guess if you want to find out, you're gonna have to do a story on it. 345 00:17:39,603 --> 00:17:42,769 You're gonna be covered by a sheet if you don't get your stupid model out. 346 00:17:44,098 --> 00:17:45,718 Dude, what are you doing? 347 00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:48,483 I don't think Marshall's going to lie on TV. 348 00:17:48,654 --> 00:17:52,546 When he backs out, I want to be there for my friend, Robin, with a story. 349 00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,862 Or rather, 102 stories, 350 00:17:54,987 --> 00:17:58,911 because that's how tall a certain iconic New York landmark is. 351 00:17:59,651 --> 00:18:01,328 Now, I want to buy a gun. 352 00:18:02,419 --> 00:18:04,024 - The monkey's here. - Surprise. 353 00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:07,168 We thought it would help the story if you could face your attacker. 354 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,105 Because of this incident, we will be sending Captain Bobo 355 00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:12,691 to a wildlife sanctuary. 356 00:18:13,178 --> 00:18:15,301 - I bet he'll like it there. - No, ma'am. 357 00:18:15,863 --> 00:18:18,569 You see, we'll be splitting him up from his mate, Milly. 358 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,807 They've been together for a long time. 359 00:18:22,437 --> 00:18:23,935 His mate's name is Milly? 360 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,693 And then, the interview began. 361 00:18:27,288 --> 00:18:29,816 In your own words, describe what happened. 362 00:18:31,624 --> 00:18:33,945 I would love to tell you what happened, Robin. 363 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,072 But... 364 00:18:36,874 --> 00:18:40,410 I'm just, I'm so curious as to what is going on underneath that sheet. 365 00:18:40,730 --> 00:18:43,880 We're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about your mugging. 366 00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:46,522 People get mugged in New York City all the time, 367 00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:50,640 but how often do you get to see whatever's under that sheet? 368 00:18:51,007 --> 00:18:53,423 Mike, can we get a shot of that? We'll be right back. 369 00:18:53,707 --> 00:18:54,841 What are you doing? 370 00:18:56,368 --> 00:19:00,346 I wasn't mugged by a monkey. I made up that so that Lily wouldn't buy a gun. 371 00:19:00,669 --> 00:19:02,307 So you weren't mugged by a monkey? 372 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,559 What, baby? Of course I was mugged by a monkey. 373 00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,811 Great, tell it to America. We're back in five. 374 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,355 Not back in five. I wasn't mugged by a monkey. 375 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:12,358 - That's it. I'm getting a gun. - Not a gun. I was mugged by a monkey. 376 00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:15,779 - Then Bobo here is going away. - Wasn't! I wasn't mugged by a monkey! 377 00:19:15,949 --> 00:19:18,490 - You think it was mugged by a monkey? - None whatsoever. 378 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:21,460 Just tell me: were you or were you not mugged by Captain Bobo? 379 00:19:21,585 --> 00:19:24,746 - Just tell us what really happened. - Just us tell the truth. 380 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,509 That's when Marshall realized there was only one thing he could say. 381 00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:33,546 All right! 382 00:19:34,817 --> 00:19:36,111 Here's the truth. 383 00:19:37,196 --> 00:19:37,958 I... 384 00:19:40,548 --> 00:19:42,138 am going back to bed. 385 00:19:42,739 --> 00:19:43,841 And that was it. 386 00:19:44,098 --> 00:19:47,225 We never found out what really happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet. 387 00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:48,520 But we do know this: 388 00:19:48,827 --> 00:19:50,424 Lily never got a gun, 389 00:19:50,818 --> 00:19:53,153 Robin's credibility remained unimpeached, 390 00:19:53,613 --> 00:19:57,070 Bobo and Milly lived out their days together in the Central Park Zoo. 391 00:19:57,820 --> 00:19:58,734 Damn it. 392 00:19:59,952 --> 00:20:01,241 All right, Ted, mic up. 393 00:20:01,792 --> 00:20:03,784 Mic'd up and made up. 394 00:20:03,909 --> 00:20:05,745 Red leather, yellow leather. 395 00:20:06,269 --> 00:20:08,122 That wasn't very satisfying. 396 00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:10,917 When I tell everyone this story, I'm saying he was mugged by a monkey. 397 00:20:11,088 --> 00:20:13,753 I'm gonna keep the banana on a string thing. That was working. 398 00:20:13,925 --> 00:20:15,808 Barney, enough with the lies. 399 00:20:15,933 --> 00:20:19,300 You can't tack on a new ending 'cause you're not satisfied with the wraps up. 400 00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:21,609 Really? 401 00:20:21,972 --> 00:20:24,386 Well, mark my words, Mosby. 402 00:20:24,750 --> 00:20:28,418 Someday you'll be telling this story, you'll see it my way. 403 00:20:28,781 --> 00:20:29,660 Doubtful. 404 00:20:29,785 --> 00:20:32,105 And then, kids, you'll never believe what happened. 405 00:20:32,276 --> 00:20:33,535 The monkey got loose! 406 00:20:34,847 --> 00:20:36,276 He's got one of my dolls! 407 00:20:37,543 --> 00:20:38,656 Come here, Bobo. 408 00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,330 He's climbing the building! 409 00:20:53,341 --> 00:20:55,099 Is this really happening? 410 00:20:55,544 --> 00:20:56,704 Sure is, Ted. 411 00:20:58,321 --> 00:20:59,435 True story. 32146

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