All language subtitles for Enlisted s01e10 Prank Wars.eng

Thank you all for join me.

I have some big news.

I've made us a platoon flag.

- Yes!
- That's nice.

- Okay.
- It's kind of weird.

Each one of these birds,
represents one of us.

Pete is the mighty hawk.
I am the eagle.

And Derrick is the raven.

Because ravens have trouble
sharing their feelings.

Oh, and Tanisha
is a picture of Tanisha

because she refused
to be a bird.

A bird cannot
capture my curves.

Which one of us
is the flamingo?

- Well, that would be you, obviously.
- Ouch! Pretty hurtful.

- It's a very nice flag, Randy.
- I love you, too, hawk.

Would you please say a few words
while I hang it? Say a few words.

We are gathered here today
to hang our platoon flag.

I didn't know we needed one,
but now that we have it,

it doesn't bother me, so...

Amen.

- ALL: Amen.
- May I say a benediction?

- I'm gonna head home.
- I'm Audi five, later.

GUMBLE:
Still confused by the flag.

Good night, platoon flag.

(Whispers): I love you.

Good morning, platoon fla...

(screaming)

(scream continues)

CODY: The Army is filled
troops on heroic missions.

And then there's us.

We take care of things at home.

We are the Rear Detachment.

Yes, we're soldiers.

Sync and corrections by brayanatsix
www.addic7ed.com

(screaming continues)

(stops screaming)

Okay, that's enough.

If somebody in this room
took my flag,

give it right back, now.
No questions asked.

Except for "why?"
and "how could you?"

and... Okay, there's gonna be a lot
of questions, so just (phone chimes)

give it back now
so we can get started.

- I think I know where it is.
- Hi.

By now, you know
I have your flag,

but did you know just how
versatile your flag is?

(voice trembling):
No.

It can be a napkin. Mmm.

Mmm!

No.

It can be a doormat.

That's my face!

It can even be a diaper.

(gasps) Oops, did baby
have an accident?

Ooh.

- Turn it off. Turn it off!
- Okay... okay.

(Cody laughs)

Aw, baby's had an accident.

(laughing)

Looks like prank season is open.

Oh!
Oh!

How did we forget?
It's like forgetting Christmas.

God, it always sneaks up
on you, just like a prank.

Prank season? Please tell me
that's not a thing.

- Oh, it is around here, Sergeant Hill.
- Well, what if I want to opt out?

- Why would you want to do that?
- Because it's stupid.

You're stupid.

This is kind of how I thought
this was gonna go.

Pranks are a crucible for forging bonds
between a sergeant and his platoon.

If it weren't for these rockers,

I'd be right in the
thick of it with you.

(clears throat)
Oh. Attention.

Aaaaaa...

At ease!

Ready to slam and jam,
Sergeant Major?

Yes sir.

This is Second Lieutenant
Schneeberger.

Now, he's younger than you
but he outranks me.

Isn't that something?

Morning, sir.

Hello... sir.

Sir, sir.

Just graduated from West Point.

Here to bring this post
into the 21st century.

Along with its Sergeant Major.

(laughs)

(mutters):
Dirty...

What I wouldn't give
to be in a prank war right now.

All right, we're gonna
bust into Jill's barracks,

find and extract
the flag,

forge a couple of bonds,
we're back before last call.

This seems like overkill.

I'm sorry, did you
recover a weapons stash

from a Taliban stronghold
deep in the heart of Korengal?

Yes I did it twice at lunch,
it was awesome.

I got eyes on it.

She wasn't made
for outdoor use.

Those colors do run.

I look good.

I need my own country.

DERRICK:
Hold it there, brother.

(crack)

Yup...

Dog poo.

- Mm.
- DERRICK: Place is mined.

- How did you know that?
- Had a feeling.

- And the odor.
- That's what that is.

- It's disgusting.
- That's really gross.

All right.
Alpha team.

Bravo team.

Fan out, tread lightly.

I'm gonna pretend that
the poop is hot lava.

Or pretend like it's poo.

Chubowski, every time,
you're stepping in it.

Every time.

I've got my mother's flat feet.

(Whispers):
Okay, let's go.

Here we go.

Pete, supple hands.

Supple hands.

Supple...

Supple...

- Supple.
- Would you stop saying supple?

Wait, is that Velcro?

That's Vel...

What?

Mayday! Mayday!

Oh...
She's good. She's good.

JILL: Did you really think it would be
that easy to get your flag back?

Yeah, 'cause before
with, like, the Taliban

and the-the-the weapons
that the thing...

Blah, blah, blah.

You're not on your battlefield
anymore, you're on mine.

Pranks are my bullets,

and my rifle's always loaded.

Pranks are my food, and I never
go hungry. Pranks...

- We get it.
- Mm-hmm.

You think this is over?
(laughs)

No, this is not over.

This could totally be over.

Give peace a chance.

- Yeah, we surrender.
- Surrender,

ALL: Surrender,
surrender, surrender...

Come on.

We do not surrender.

You sure about that, ese?

Because in a prank war...
nothing is off-limits.

You want yourself a prank war?
Well, you got one.

Yeah, you may have caught us
with our guard down,

but that will not happen again.

(snaps fingers)

All right, we... hah!

Yeah, we totally
expected that.

And we are retreating now

with our, uh...

heads held high
and our eyes down, everybody.

Girl, you got my hair wet.

PETE: Ugh, watch your
step, it's everywhere.

It's all mushy.

"Operation: Prank Jill
and Get Our Flag Back"

- is now operational. Pete?
- Splendid.

Okay, prank numero uno.

We dig a pit, fill it with
sharpened sticks,

cover it with leaves, and wait
til Jill and her platoon

fall into it
on their morning run.

Bam.

Uh, a prank usually
has a "ha-ha" element.

This one feels just
a little bit kill-y.

Okay, okay,
what about that thing

where you want to get somebody
back, so you wait for him

to come around a corner and then
you just punch him in the face.

Prank!

Still not a prank. That's just...
straight-up physical assault.

With all due respect,
do you even know what a prank is?

- Course I know what a prank is.
- Course he knows what a prank is.

Why don't we take a page
from the greatest prankster

- of all time.
- Let's do it.

- Fire away, buddy.
- Mr. Wile E. Coyote.

- What? No.
- Oh, this is so bad.

- All right, everybody just calm down.
- Yeah, calm down.

Okay, of course Pete
knows pranks.

Does he?
Think about it, Randy.

When we were kids, any time we'd
prank him, he just beat us up.

He never had to learn prank fu.

Untrue. Wait till we get Jill
back with a plastic spider

and a pair of X-ray specs.

Good Lord, he's gonna
get us all killed.

I'm really trying to have
your back right now, Pete,

but I'm kind of in a "is the
sky even blue" situation.

I'm feeling hot and itchy.

Is this what it feels
to be bad at something?

- Why are you looking at me?
- Nobody panic, all right?

- I'm panicking.
- I'm going home.

I'm going AWOL.

(all yelling indistinctly)

Calm down!

(imitates nails
screeching down chalkboard)

Better with a chalkboard,
but you get the point.

Now listen up.

I'm experiencing
a lot of emotions right now.

On the one hand, I'm thrilled
to have found something

that the great
Pete Hill sucks at.

On the other hand,

I don't want to be
destroyed in a prank war.

Say more words, Derrick.

Lucky for you, I love pranks.

It's the only time in the Army
when anarchy reigns.

Pete, I will train you,

with Randy's help.

Yes. The student
becomes the teacher.

The Lindsay Lohan will become
the Jamie Lee Curtis.

Randy's specialty
is the blunt force prank.

Like, I'll replace your
sunscreen with mayonnaise.

Give you a delicious sunburn.

It's a little crude,
but isn't that America?

- I love America.
- She wouldn't know.

That's good.

I, on the other hand,
am master of the long con.

Do you remember the summer that
you thought you were getting fat?

Yeah.

I was taking in your pants
a tiny bit every night.

I learned to sew
just to mess with you.

I went to a fat
camp in Arizona.

What can I say?

I have a gift.

Should we follow you
to your gift?

SCHNEEBERGER:
No, no,

you have to click "approve"
on new inventory,

otherwise it won't
sync to the cloud.

In the old system,

I would do this,

and it would sync to my binder.

Binder.

There's a reason they
call it Fort McGeezer.

(chuckles)
Anyway,

once this is up and running,
you won't ever have to

leave your desk. Well, that
sounds like my nightmare,

Second Lieutenant Schneeberger.
I'm sorry?

I go crazy if I'm stuck
behind my desk all day.

I'm glad we're dialoguing,
but let's treat this

as more of a
listening situation

Now, change is hard.
When I got to West Point,

I didn't even know
how to play squash.

But I opened myself

to the experience that
others had to offer.

And in the end I was managing
that team as a non-player.

- Has this been helpful?
- Not really.

Here's the thing:
I don't want to "order you"

to learn the new system,
but this damn bar has a way

to turning everything
I say into an order.

Understood.

Amaze.

To the cloud.

(chuckles)

There are three
cardinal rules to pranking.

Never fall asleep.

Never drink from an
unsealed container.

Always cover your junk.

"Always cover junk."

Oh.

Feel free to call me the
Professor if the mood strikes.

I was writing it down.

You can't cover your junk
with excuses.

Why are you putting ice
under people's doors?

Ice?

It's frozen urine.

When they melt, they're urine.

God, you have so much to learn.

Oh... Urine,
I like that... Oh, God.

ABC, Pete.

Always Be Covering.

The key to a good
prank is to find

your target's weakness
and exploit it.

CHUBOWSKI:
Coming.

Sometimes it's hard.

Delicious cookie?

Oh. Don't mind if I do.

Sometimes it's easy.
Mm. Curious.

They look like dessert
but taste like the dentist.

Toothpaste Oreos.

Sorry, buddy,
we're training Pete.

Oh no, I'm happy
to be your guinea pig.

Go ahead and leave the plate.

Gumble, we're trying
to figure out

which is the best season
of Breaking Bad.

GUMBLE: Glad you asked, friend.
Honestly,

season fi... Ooh! (grunting)

Classic
"wrapping the door."

You can also do toilet,
car, entire person.

The options
are limitless.

We call this
"fishing for rednecks."

Ooh, a dollar.
Come on,

let's get you back
to the strip club

where you belong, little fella.

Sergeant Major!

The guys are training me!

It's the most fun
I've had in years!

Yeah!

Looks like he's
fishing for rednecks.

Lucky son of a bitch.

Sergeant Major,

You know, the number one enemy

of efficiency is the window.

Now tell me...
How you gonna get Jill?

(exhales)

I found my target's weakness.

She goes to the bathroom.

What an idiot!

Tomorrow morning,

I disable the ladies' room
in the motor pool

so she has to use that one
creepy Porta Potti

where we found
the dead squirrel?

Ew!

We rig the door
so it sticks shut behind her.

And then, a forklift

lifts that bad boy onto a truck,
where it's driven off

to the Southeast Regional
Porta Potti Refurbishment Center

out in the middle of nowhere.

Whew...!

- Well done, Pete.
- Yeah?

Oh!

So proud of you right now!

Drinks are on me, people.

'Cause tomorrow,

I'm gonna win us a prank war.

(cheering, overlapping shouting)

Yeah, I got to fly
into Denver, and then,

rent a car. I know.

Hold on a second.

I can see you're busy, so,
I'm gonna go for a little walk

and make sure
everything's in order on post.

I'm gonna go for a little walk,

make sure
everything's in order

on post...?

Sir.

(laughs)

I still can't get used to it.

Dad, he called me "sir"! Ah.

I don't know.

Older than you,
younger than Grandpa?

Pete?

Pete, I know you're there.
Show yourself!

Ugh! I need a time-out.

Please?

Oh, hey, Sergeant Perez.

Yeah, I was just hanging out
in the bushes.

I know that I said that there

is nothing off-limits during a
prank war, but I need a truce.

(laughing):
No way!

Look, I'm dealing with some...

What?

Some lady problems.

Oh.

Oh, you mean...

Oh, my God. Yes, yes.

Enough said. I...

My mom was a nurse. I get it.

It's a temporary truce.

All right, and,
uh, you may want

to use a different
Porta Potti, capisce?

(wry laugh) Well, thank you
for showing me a little mercy.

I appreciate it.

Don't you worry.
I'll get you.

Oh, and a little advice
about your lady problem?

You may want to drink
some electrolytes

over the next few days

to replenish what your body
lost via the hoo-hah. Oh.

Hey!
Oh, I see.

Yeah.
What the hell!

You're the one who has
a lady problem, Pete.

- And her name is Sergeant Jill Perez.
- What?

Your platoon had a lot of fun
at The Claymore last night, huh?

Nice of you
to buy them all those beers.

They went home so sleepy.

Never sleep!
It's a cardinal rule.

(evil cackling)

What did you do?

(panting)

(squeaking)

(groaning)

(yawning)

(gasps)

Help!

You should've killed me
while you had the chance... ese.

(cackling)

Get you, Jill Perez!

Yeah!

Somebody's gonna pay for this.

Sergeant, might I suggest
there is nobility in retreat?

Come on. Aren't we more
resilient than that?

No!

They Super-Glued my hands,

and gave me
Home Alone face!

I look like Grimace!

I look like
a child's worst nightmare.

- Maybe it is time to just call it off.
- RANDY: No.

- We need revenge!
- Doesn't look like anything happened to you.

Oh, no, they got me good.
They shaved me... downstairs.

Oh, gross.

Wait.

Is my mustache made of...?

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I will never not know
that this happened!

It doesn't look bad on you.

We have to destroy her...
and erase my memory!

Okay, okay, just-just...
just give me a second to think.

No! You are done.

You are relieved of
your command, Sergeant.

You can't do that.

By show of hands,
who wants Pete out?

I'm sorry, Sarge.

I am in charge now,
and we are done

being gentlemen.

We need to hit
Jill where it hurts.

Her boobs.

No. Higher.

Her D�colletage?

Lower.

Her under-boobs?

Her heart, Garfield!

- My God!
- RANDY: Jill's made of stone.

We're never gonna
find a weakness.

Wait. What did
that look mean?

Just...

Uh... lady problems?

I'm not Pete.

You wish you were me.

Hey, ladies,

I know you think
Jill's your friend,

but look at
yourselves, okay?

She got you good.

(groans)

Well... I think she's hung up
on her ex-boyfriend Steve.

I don't have all the details,
but I think he hurt her real bad.

- The ex-boyfriend. That's how we get her.
- Yes, Pete.

Everybody knows that. Sit down!

A thousand portable toilets
cooking in the sun.

It's like Satan's
Easy-Bake Oven.

(grunting)

(sighs)

Game on, Nature.

Okay, we're all set.

Jill has received her
"Just Because I'm Sorry" bouquet

from the florist,

complete with a apologetic
teddy bear holding

a Mylar balloon
which reads "I'm beary sowwy."

In that bouquet is a note
from Steve inviting her

to The Claymore to talk
about getting back together.

- BOTH: Oh!
- It's not real!

When Steve doesn't show up,
her heart will shatter,

and we will win this
prank war once and for all.

Ah... kind of mean.

I have a mustache shorn
from my brother's pubis.

(snorts)

I don't care
how mean you think this is.

My only regret is that
we can't do it to her twice!

You know, when you
get mad, you snort,

and it moves your
little hairs around.

Not my hairs, Pete!

This ends tonight!

Come on, guys,
let's go!

- Let's do this!
- We're gonna get you, Jill!

I'll just stay here then.

(bird screeches)

(grunts)

What's that I see
in the distance?

(bird squawking)

Ah. Sustenance.

I think
I'll have breakfast for dinner.

DERRICK:
Look at her over there.

So hopeful.

So ready to be crushed.

(sighs)

You're kind of
freaking me out, man.

This is dark.
Do we even have to do it?

Plus, I'm kind of over the
whole downstairs shaving thing.

I mean, if I'm honest,

it's a good look.

It's sleek, it actually adds
an optic inch.

We're doing this.
Just back me up.

Remember your lines?
Yeah, but...

I'm going in.

(laughing)

I hate to be

the bearer of bad news,
but Steve ain't coming.

Got ya! Well, if it isn't
the short and curly kid.

I'm "beary sowwy,"
but you didn't get me.

I knew Steve wasn't gonna come.

Yeah, right.
I'm not Pete, okay?

Welcome to the big leagues.

This whole Steve thing
was my idea.

Well, you should have done
more homework, Big League.

Steve never
sent me flowers.

He hated The Claymore.
He's dead.

He thought Mylar balloons
were tacky, he never...

W-Wait. What? What?
Mylar... not a fan.

Or are you seizing on the part

that he's no longer
one of the living?

(laughing):
No, no, no. I'm not buying it.

You got burnt,
and you're trying

to make it look like you didn't,

so, in your face.

And in yours...
some evidence.

That's his obituary.

This could easily be faked.

Although, it certainly does have
the feel of real news print.

And here is a condolence
letter from his mother.

You can see it's
postmarked two years ago.

You know how easy it is to...?
Just give me a second.

- I'll do a quick search.
- Mmhmm, go ahead. Take your time.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Lot of hits.

Mm-hmm.

They named a high school
gym after him.

You really stepped in it.

(laughing)

You are dead to Steve!

Mm! No, Pete, Steve is dead.

Yeah, okay. Ha, ha!

Steve is dead to you! Boom!

DERRICK: No, as in, deceased.
He's no longer with us.

This has been
a horrible mistake.

- What?
- This could not get any worse.

Ha! Steve is never
coming back!

That's 'cause he's dead, Randy!

That's 'cause he's dead!

He's dead?

Yes, he's dead.

And the worst part about it is,

I actually got excited
when I saw his name on the card.

Wow.

Oh.

- This was Derrick's idea.
- I didn't want to do this.

Yeah, I was the one that helped
you with the Porta Pottis.

I was born without 'em,
I can live without 'em.

We crossed a line,
and I am so sorry.

We are so sorry.
We're so sorry.

Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers. Boyfriend.

Yeah.

Mm.

(laughs)

(cackling)
Wait a second.

We did get you. Steve's not dead.
This has been a huge success!

Steve's alive!
I bet he loves fishing.

Nope. Um, still dead.

No. Wow.

That hurt more the second time.

I'm laughing because you dummies forgot
another cardinal rule of pranking.

I'm wearing a cup.
He's wearing a cup.

Never drink
out of an open container.

Yeah. I put a little
something in your beers.

So, in a few minutes,

you'll be seized

with an uncontrollable
intestinal distress.

We said we were sorry!

And it was very sweet.

So, that's why I am
giving you this.

Flag.

FYI... it makes a great diaper.

Guys, we got our flag back!

(cheering)

We won! We won!

We did not win.

No, we did not.

CODY:
So,

you thought it would be a good
idea to trap me in a Porta Potti

and haul me off
into the middle of nowhere!

- I can explain.
- I spent the last

24 hours fighting my way
back to post

with nothing but my wits.

I've got one thing to say
to you, Sergeant Hill.

Thank you! Thank you!

(laughs)
(whistling)

Hey, the men's room's
out of order.

Somebody better get on that.

Right away, sir.

Hey! What the hell!

No T.P.,

and I plastic-wrapped the bowl.

- (laughter)
- Prank!

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