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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,875 --> 00:00:02,096 (Patriotic music) 2 00:00:02,126 --> 00:00:04,966 So Meigs gives the order to bury the dead 3 00:00:04,996 --> 00:00:06,769 on Robert E. Lee's property. 4 00:00:06,799 --> 00:00:07,531 (Burps) 5 00:00:07,564 --> 00:00:09,600 Oh, boy. 6 00:00:09,634 --> 00:00:10,902 We're gonna go kidnap 7 00:00:10,935 --> 00:00:13,705 Abraham Lincoln's dead-ass body. 8 00:00:13,737 --> 00:00:16,140 Is somebody having sex next to us? 9 00:00:16,173 --> 00:00:18,028 Elmer McCurdy gets shot in the chest... (blows raspberry) 10 00:00:18,058 --> 00:00:21,713 and becomes the bandit who wouldn't give up. 11 00:00:21,745 --> 00:00:23,447 Oh... 12 00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:24,481 ?? 13 00:00:26,322 --> 00:00:33,337 = synced and corrected by Shahrazade = ... www.addic7ed.com ... 14 00:00:35,392 --> 00:00:36,592 (Gospel music) 15 00:00:38,395 --> 00:00:39,395 ?? 16 00:00:40,699 --> 00:00:41,444 Here we are. 17 00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:42,474 All right. 18 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,236 Berg, we're still alive. Let's do this. 19 00:00:46,403 --> 00:00:49,241 God, I spilled all over my crotch. 20 00:00:49,273 --> 00:00:50,273 Christ. 21 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,242 Bourbon balls now. 22 00:00:53,644 --> 00:00:54,644 (Slurps) 23 00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:57,749 Hello, my name is Steve Berg, 24 00:00:57,782 --> 00:01:00,932 and today we're gonna be discussing General Meigs... 25 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,106 And the cemetery revenge. 26 00:01:07,058 --> 00:01:08,058 Okay. 27 00:01:08,258 --> 00:01:10,828 Let's take this back to 1837 28 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:13,799 on the Harbor of St. Louis. 29 00:01:13,832 --> 00:01:15,600 Montgomery Meigs entered 30 00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:17,936 the United States Engineering Corps, 31 00:01:17,969 --> 00:01:19,486 and one of the first gigs 32 00:01:19,516 --> 00:01:21,873 was shadowing this big deal dude 33 00:01:21,906 --> 00:01:24,276 named Robert E. Lee, 34 00:01:24,308 --> 00:01:27,044 and Meigs is like, Oh, Robert E. Lee 35 00:01:27,077 --> 00:01:28,579 is, like, kind of the cool quarterback. 36 00:01:28,612 --> 00:01:30,614 He's, like, the dude. 37 00:01:30,648 --> 00:01:33,552 He's handsome, he's a leader of men, 38 00:01:33,585 --> 00:01:37,589 and he is the ideal of what a Christian man should be. 39 00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:40,124 And they worked together the whole summer, 40 00:01:40,157 --> 00:01:41,425 and they became tight, 41 00:01:41,458 --> 00:01:43,108 like a tight-knit crew. 42 00:01:43,927 --> 00:01:47,365 So in mid-May of 1861, 43 00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:50,270 - the Civil "Ware"... the Civil War... - (Laughs) 44 00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:52,937 Was about to go down. 45 00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:55,973 When Robert E. Lee says, fuck you, Union arm... 46 00:01:56,007 --> 00:01:59,978 Union army, I'm going down to be the guy 47 00:02:00,011 --> 00:02:02,814 behind the guys of the Confederate army. 48 00:02:02,847 --> 00:02:05,349 I'm gonna go help out a bunch of rednecks 49 00:02:05,383 --> 00:02:06,985 who love slavery 50 00:02:07,017 --> 00:02:08,819 and help them do... do a bunch of cool shit 51 00:02:08,853 --> 00:02:09,921 that he thought was cool. 52 00:02:09,954 --> 00:02:11,124 I don't think it's cool. 53 00:02:11,154 --> 00:02:12,424 - Okay. - So... 54 00:02:12,457 --> 00:02:15,627 Montgomery Meigs gets so pissed off. 55 00:02:15,659 --> 00:02:17,728 He's like, A guy I looked up to, 56 00:02:17,761 --> 00:02:20,365 the guy who I modeled myself after, 57 00:02:20,397 --> 00:02:22,299 turned out to be one of the biggest traitors 58 00:02:22,332 --> 00:02:23,668 since Benedict Arnold, 59 00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:26,037 and now I'm fighting against him? 60 00:02:26,070 --> 00:02:27,772 (Dramatic music) 61 00:02:27,806 --> 00:02:30,475 Game on, brother. 62 00:02:30,508 --> 00:02:32,177 Game on. 63 00:02:33,645 --> 00:02:37,282 So at this time at the Lee estate, 64 00:02:37,314 --> 00:02:40,252 Mary Lee, wife of Robert E. Lee, 65 00:02:40,284 --> 00:02:42,987 was walking around her beautiful rose garden. 66 00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:44,723 She was like, This is my joint. 67 00:02:44,755 --> 00:02:47,825 This is my... this is my thing. 68 00:02:47,859 --> 00:02:48,860 This is my thing. 69 00:02:48,892 --> 00:02:50,232 This is my thing I love. 70 00:02:50,262 --> 00:02:51,930 I love this environment. 71 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,565 As far as the who, what, and where, 72 00:02:53,597 --> 00:02:55,166 this is the "where" I want to be. 73 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,236 The "who" and the "what," that's gonna come later. 74 00:02:57,268 --> 00:02:58,769 (Sniffs) 75 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,707 And Robert E. Lee is like, Look, Mary, babe, 76 00:03:01,739 --> 00:03:03,040 there's gonna be bloodshed, 77 00:03:03,073 --> 00:03:05,376 brother upon brother type of shit, 78 00:03:05,410 --> 00:03:08,579 so I'm gonna need you to wrap it all up 79 00:03:08,613 --> 00:03:09,882 and get the hell out of there. 80 00:03:11,349 --> 00:03:14,953 So Montgomery Meigs gets made quartermaster general. 81 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,856 He takes his soldiers over the Potomac, 82 00:03:17,888 --> 00:03:21,292 and they occupy the Lee residence 83 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,930 and make it kind of the HQ of the Union army, 84 00:03:24,963 --> 00:03:27,165 and he's like, Yeah, I'll fucking nail this job, 85 00:03:27,197 --> 00:03:29,934 especially now that I'm so pissed off 86 00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:32,070 at my mentor, fucking Robert. 87 00:03:32,102 --> 00:03:33,137 (Hiccups) 88 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:36,344 So in 1864, General... (hiccups) 89 00:03:36,374 --> 00:03:38,609 Oh, boy. 90 00:03:38,643 --> 00:03:39,945 General Robert... (hiccups) 91 00:03:39,977 --> 00:03:41,579 Oh, my God. 92 00:03:41,613 --> 00:03:43,013 I love you, Steve. 93 00:03:45,283 --> 00:03:46,817 So go ahead. So General Lee... 94 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:47,819 And Ulysses... (hiccups) 95 00:03:47,851 --> 00:03:49,220 Ulysses S. Grant 96 00:03:49,254 --> 00:03:53,458 begin their 40-day bloodbath massacre. 97 00:03:53,490 --> 00:03:57,629 82,000 people are killed in one month. 98 00:03:57,661 --> 00:04:00,108 Montgomery Meigs had to deal with 99 00:04:00,138 --> 00:04:02,601 all the incoming Union dead soldiers, 100 00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,372 so every soldier he has to bury 101 00:04:05,402 --> 00:04:10,108 makes him angrier and angrier at Robert Lee. 102 00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:11,842 And all of a sudden out of nowhere, 103 00:04:11,875 --> 00:04:13,878 he gets the dead body of his son. 104 00:04:13,911 --> 00:04:15,513 (Somber music) 105 00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,715 So Meigs has to bury him. 106 00:04:17,748 --> 00:04:19,383 And Meigs is like... 107 00:04:19,416 --> 00:04:21,320 (Mumbles) 108 00:04:21,643 --> 00:04:23,743 Should never have to see your... 109 00:04:24,357 --> 00:04:26,425 child go before you. 110 00:04:27,587 --> 00:04:30,665 So Meigs, like a quasi-madman, 111 00:04:30,695 --> 00:04:32,864 says, I want to make sure that Robert E. Lee 112 00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:35,267 can never come back, and that if he does, 113 00:04:35,299 --> 00:04:38,402 he sleeps among Union ghosts. 114 00:04:38,436 --> 00:04:39,436 Capisce? 115 00:04:39,469 --> 00:04:42,339 Haunting you, Robert E. Lee. 116 00:04:42,373 --> 00:04:44,943 Meigs gives the order to his soldiers 117 00:04:44,976 --> 00:04:48,180 to start burying the dead on Lee's property, 118 00:04:48,212 --> 00:04:50,648 and Meigs is so excited about this. 119 00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:54,652 He's like, get those dudes around the house, man, 120 00:04:54,686 --> 00:04:57,322 around the porch, and dig a giant pit 121 00:04:57,354 --> 00:04:59,986 right under Mary Lee's beloved rose garden. 122 00:05:00,016 --> 00:05:01,016 Sweet. 123 00:05:01,046 --> 00:05:02,308 That's what we're doing. 124 00:05:02,338 --> 00:05:04,563 That is the whole point of this situation, 125 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:06,498 to fuck their house. 126 00:05:06,530 --> 00:05:08,400 It's a zombie playground. 127 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,302 (Hiccups) It's dark. 128 00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:17,340 (Burps) 129 00:05:18,476 --> 00:05:21,546 So the Civil War officially ends, 130 00:05:22,037 --> 00:05:23,180 and Robert E. Lee and Mary Lee 131 00:05:23,214 --> 00:05:25,817 find that their precious land that they loved so much 132 00:05:25,849 --> 00:05:28,986 had been turned into a graveyard. 133 00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:30,320 (Dramatic music) 134 00:05:31,688 --> 00:05:33,825 And they're like, Are you kidding me? 135 00:05:33,857 --> 00:05:35,571 This guy. 136 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:37,195 Okay, fine. 137 00:05:37,227 --> 00:05:38,227 Cool. 138 00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:39,764 (Sighs) 139 00:05:39,796 --> 00:05:40,796 Fine. 140 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,083 And do you know what that place became? 141 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:48,043 It became the Arlington National Cemetery. 142 00:05:48,573 --> 00:05:49,573 Really? 143 00:05:50,174 --> 00:05:52,544 And Mary Lee's precious rose garden 144 00:05:52,577 --> 00:05:54,312 became the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. 145 00:05:54,344 --> 00:05:55,344 ?? 146 00:05:56,948 --> 00:05:58,183 How about that? 147 00:05:58,215 --> 00:05:59,283 Wow. 148 00:05:59,316 --> 00:06:02,109 Arlington National Cemetery, 149 00:06:02,753 --> 00:06:04,503 the heartbeat of America. 150 00:06:05,322 --> 00:06:06,291 (Sniffs) 151 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,524 The heartbeat? 152 00:06:08,608 --> 00:06:10,210 That is weird, because there is 153 00:06:10,243 --> 00:06:12,414 literally no heartbeats there. 154 00:06:12,447 --> 00:06:14,849 (Both laughing) 155 00:06:14,882 --> 00:06:16,216 Please let that be it. 156 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:17,886 Bergie, great job. 157 00:06:17,918 --> 00:06:18,887 Thanks, man. 158 00:06:18,919 --> 00:06:20,921 Arlington National Cemetery. 159 00:06:20,954 --> 00:06:22,324 It's quite a tale. 160 00:06:25,997 --> 00:06:27,462 Will you teach me some 161 00:06:27,495 --> 00:06:28,386 of your language? 162 00:06:28,416 --> 00:06:29,860 Yeah. Okay. 163 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,369 _ 164 00:06:32,399 --> 00:06:34,935 "Drunk History" with Derek Waters. 165 00:06:34,969 --> 00:06:37,339 (Incoherent speech) 166 00:06:37,372 --> 00:06:38,573 Derek Waters. (Laughs) 167 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:39,808 You tried. 168 00:06:39,841 --> 00:06:42,110 I feel like my voice was offensive. 169 00:06:42,142 --> 00:06:43,877 (Chuckles) Just don't say anything. 170 00:06:43,911 --> 00:06:44,607 Okay. 171 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:45,470 I get that note a lot. 172 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:46,580 Okay, okay. 173 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,115 (Speaking Mandarin) 174 00:06:48,149 --> 00:06:49,451 "Drunk History" 175 00:06:49,483 --> 00:06:51,251 with Derek Waters. 176 00:06:51,284 --> 00:06:52,853 (Hip hop music) 177 00:06:52,887 --> 00:06:53,954 Mm. 178 00:06:53,988 --> 00:06:55,457 ?? 179 00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:56,607 That's... (Chuckles) 180 00:06:56,637 --> 00:06:57,469 What? 181 00:06:57,499 --> 00:06:59,264 (Exhales) 182 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,764 Hello. My name is Jimmy O. Yang, 183 00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:04,833 and today we're gonna talk about the kidnapping 184 00:07:04,866 --> 00:07:06,602 of Lincoln's body. 185 00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:07,970 Mm. 186 00:07:08,003 --> 00:07:08,971 (Chuckles) 187 00:07:09,003 --> 00:07:10,638 That makes you thirsty, huh? 188 00:07:13,292 --> 00:07:15,344 The story began in 19... 189 00:07:15,376 --> 00:07:16,544 no, wait. 190 00:07:16,578 --> 00:07:20,035 1875, uh, in Chicago. 191 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,668 This dude, Big Jim Kennally, 192 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,837 had, like, the best counterfeiting ring 193 00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:26,105 in Chicago. 194 00:07:26,137 --> 00:07:27,839 But the real man behind the scene 195 00:07:27,873 --> 00:07:29,608 was this guy named Boyd. 196 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,343 He was the guy that made the best press, 197 00:07:32,377 --> 00:07:33,978 and his fake bills were so good 198 00:07:34,012 --> 00:07:35,346 that people would look at it and be like, 199 00:07:35,380 --> 00:07:38,050 Yeah, it looks like real money to me. 200 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,817 But it's not. (Laughs) 201 00:07:39,851 --> 00:07:41,185 So... 202 00:07:41,219 --> 00:07:42,620 So they were making so much money 203 00:07:42,654 --> 00:07:44,656 that the Fed finally caught up with them, 204 00:07:44,690 --> 00:07:46,892 and then Boyd took the heat. 205 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,093 And he went to jail. 206 00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:49,594 And now Big Jim is like, 207 00:07:49,627 --> 00:07:50,962 Shit. 208 00:07:50,995 --> 00:07:52,865 I just lost my guy. 209 00:07:52,897 --> 00:07:55,166 I don't have my cash flow anymore. 210 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,803 What can I do about this? 211 00:07:57,836 --> 00:07:59,538 So he went to the saloon 212 00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:01,472 that he owned called The Hub, 213 00:08:01,505 --> 00:08:03,308 and he talked to a couple of his goons 214 00:08:03,341 --> 00:08:06,111 called Mullen and Hughes. 215 00:08:06,144 --> 00:08:07,546 And he's like, Guys, 216 00:08:07,579 --> 00:08:09,281 we're gonna go kidnap 217 00:08:09,313 --> 00:08:12,183 Abraham Lincoln's dead-ass body. 218 00:08:12,216 --> 00:08:13,185 Wow. 219 00:08:13,217 --> 00:08:14,185 And we're gonna... 220 00:08:14,219 --> 00:08:15,620 hold it for ransom 221 00:08:15,654 --> 00:08:18,791 for Boyd's release from prison. 222 00:08:18,824 --> 00:08:21,827 And 200 grand. 223 00:08:22,392 --> 00:08:23,127 Boom. 224 00:08:23,161 --> 00:08:24,997 And then his buddies Mullen and Hughes 225 00:08:25,030 --> 00:08:27,599 were like, Big Jim at it again 226 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,301 with the great ideas. 227 00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:32,003 And in the midst of that conversation, 228 00:08:32,036 --> 00:08:34,406 this other guy named Lewis Swegles 229 00:08:34,439 --> 00:08:35,908 came up to them and was like, Hey, guys. 230 00:08:35,940 --> 00:08:37,442 You guys talking about stealing 231 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:38,876 Lincoln's body? 232 00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:41,714 'Cause, um, I don't mean to brag, but... 233 00:08:41,747 --> 00:08:43,681 I am the boss 234 00:08:43,714 --> 00:08:45,316 of body-snatching. 235 00:08:45,349 --> 00:08:46,752 So then Mullen and Hughes was like, 236 00:08:46,785 --> 00:08:48,320 Whoa. 237 00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:49,722 Swegles, 238 00:08:49,754 --> 00:08:51,889 you seem like a legit guy. 239 00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:54,125 Come on in in our crew. 240 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,661 And now Hughes, Mullen, and Swegles 241 00:08:56,695 --> 00:08:58,530 are now in the kidnapping crew 242 00:08:58,562 --> 00:09:00,298 of Lincoln's dead body. 243 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,767 But little did Hughes and Mullen know 244 00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:04,603 that Swegles was actually 245 00:09:04,636 --> 00:09:07,473 an informant for the new agency 246 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,742 called the Secret Service. 247 00:09:09,775 --> 00:09:11,677 So he went back to the head 248 00:09:11,709 --> 00:09:13,478 of the Secret Service Agency, 249 00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,613 Patrick Tyrrell, 250 00:09:15,647 --> 00:09:18,382 who was from the Tyrell family of "Game of Thrones." 251 00:09:18,416 --> 00:09:20,585 (Laughs) 252 00:09:22,253 --> 00:09:24,055 Do you ever go outside? 253 00:09:24,089 --> 00:09:25,123 Not really. 254 00:09:25,156 --> 00:09:27,459 Mostly video games and "Game of Thrones." 255 00:09:27,492 --> 00:09:29,462 (Both laughing) 256 00:09:30,544 --> 00:09:31,497 Okay. 257 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:34,266 So Swegles... he's like, Yo, Pat, 258 00:09:34,299 --> 00:09:35,901 I got a scoop for you. 259 00:09:35,934 --> 00:09:37,703 These guys are planning to kill 260 00:09:37,735 --> 00:09:39,170 your dead president. 261 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,406 Well, you can't kill a dea... I'm sorry. 262 00:09:41,439 --> 00:09:43,474 These guys are plotting... (chuckles) 263 00:09:43,507 --> 00:09:45,676 To kidnap your dead president. 264 00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:46,811 (Burps) 265 00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:50,512 You should go catch their ass red-handed. 266 00:09:50,542 --> 00:09:52,483 So Patrick Tyrrell, 267 00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:53,786 he was super down with this. 268 00:09:53,819 --> 00:09:54,853 He was like, Yes! 269 00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,188 This is it. 270 00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:58,322 If we protect the dead president, 271 00:09:58,355 --> 00:10:00,725 that means we're protecting the live president. 272 00:10:00,758 --> 00:10:02,594 This the publicity we need 273 00:10:02,627 --> 00:10:04,363 to cement ourselves 274 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,365 as the goddamn Secret Service 275 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,767 of the United States of America. 276 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,636 (Dramatic music) 277 00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:12,871 So Hughes, Mullen, and Swegles 278 00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,806 went to the grave that night. 279 00:10:14,839 --> 00:10:16,541 And the Secret Service guys were all camped out 280 00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:17,943 around the graveyard 281 00:10:17,975 --> 00:10:20,378 to try to catch these guys red-handed. 282 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:23,214 And then when the three guys got to Lincoln's grave 283 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,416 they're like, whoa... 284 00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:26,084 ?? 285 00:10:26,117 --> 00:10:29,353 I guess this is how, like, rich people bury themselves. 286 00:10:29,387 --> 00:10:31,022 It's a mausoleum, 287 00:10:31,055 --> 00:10:32,456 a sarcophagus, 288 00:10:32,489 --> 00:10:34,258 and then a coffin. 289 00:10:34,291 --> 00:10:35,893 Oh, shit. What should we do? 290 00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:37,495 So Mullen took out his axe, 291 00:10:37,528 --> 00:10:39,597 and he was like, I'm just gonna bash this shit 292 00:10:39,631 --> 00:10:41,003 and take Lincoln's body. 293 00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,147 And then Swegles, obviously, 294 00:10:42,177 --> 00:10:43,936 he didn't want to damage Lincoln's body. 295 00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:45,304 He was like, whoa, whoa, guys. 296 00:10:45,336 --> 00:10:47,205 You can't... you can't do that, dude. 297 00:10:47,238 --> 00:10:49,575 You know, that's gonna alert... 298 00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:51,510 uh, the graveyard owner, 299 00:10:51,542 --> 00:10:53,445 and we'll have less time to run. 300 00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:54,445 And then Mullen's like, 301 00:10:54,478 --> 00:10:55,446 You know what? 302 00:10:55,479 --> 00:10:56,447 You're right. 303 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,282 We're gonna do this... 304 00:10:58,315 --> 00:11:00,853 slightly more... 305 00:11:00,886 --> 00:11:01,553 What's the word? 306 00:11:01,585 --> 00:11:02,553 Like, sophisticated? 307 00:11:02,586 --> 00:11:03,688 Slightly more... 308 00:11:03,722 --> 00:11:04,489 So sophis... 309 00:11:04,522 --> 00:11:05,136 Oh, yeah, yeah. 310 00:11:05,166 --> 00:11:06,062 You know what? You're right. 311 00:11:06,092 --> 00:11:08,226 We're gonna do this with a little more finesse. 312 00:11:08,893 --> 00:11:11,095 So then Mullen 313 00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,998 picked the padlock. 314 00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:14,701 Right. 315 00:11:14,731 --> 00:11:15,669 And then they got in the grave. 316 00:11:15,699 --> 00:11:17,602 They're like, Okay. (Burps) 317 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,471 Let's, uh, try to lift it, 318 00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:21,073 and then we just take the whole thing. 319 00:11:21,106 --> 00:11:22,974 ?? 320 00:11:23,006 --> 00:11:24,409 And then they realized 321 00:11:24,442 --> 00:11:26,912 they're all too weak to lift the sarcophagus. 322 00:11:26,944 --> 00:11:28,279 So they're like, Shit. 323 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:30,381 We really... 324 00:11:30,414 --> 00:11:31,719 were unprepared. 325 00:11:32,449 --> 00:11:33,417 So Swegles is like, all right, 326 00:11:33,451 --> 00:11:34,486 you know what, boys? 327 00:11:34,516 --> 00:11:35,957 You know, I'm just gonna go outside, 328 00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,556 smoke a cigarette, and think about this. 329 00:11:37,588 --> 00:11:38,593 (Faint shrieking) 330 00:11:38,623 --> 00:11:40,826 Is somebody having sex next to us? 331 00:11:40,859 --> 00:11:42,360 Uh, it's definitely an animal. 332 00:11:42,393 --> 00:11:43,662 I don't think it's sex. 333 00:11:43,695 --> 00:11:44,463 It's an animal? 334 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,530 I think it's a coyote or a dog. 335 00:11:45,563 --> 00:11:46,898 (Faint shrieking) 336 00:11:46,931 --> 00:11:48,933 That's a sexy-ass coyote. 337 00:11:49,136 --> 00:11:51,804 So Swegles used this opportunity 338 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,871 to signal Patrick Tyrrell 339 00:11:53,904 --> 00:11:56,240 and the Secret Service guys. 340 00:11:56,273 --> 00:11:59,010 So they all, like, tippy-toed in there. 341 00:11:59,043 --> 00:12:00,845 But then this guy, George Hay, 342 00:12:00,878 --> 00:12:02,513 was so stoked and nervous, 343 00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,582 he fired his firearm on accident. 344 00:12:04,615 --> 00:12:05,750 (Imitates gunshot) 345 00:12:05,783 --> 00:12:06,918 Whoops. 346 00:12:06,951 --> 00:12:08,986 And everybody freaked out. 347 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:10,688 So Hughes and Mullen say, ah, shit. 348 00:12:10,721 --> 00:12:12,290 We got to get out of here. 349 00:12:12,324 --> 00:12:13,826 And all the Secret Service agents 350 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:14,993 start, like, firing in the dark. 351 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,361 They're like, boom. 352 00:12:16,393 --> 00:12:18,696 Man, this is fucking bullshit, dawg. 353 00:12:18,729 --> 00:12:20,632 So by the time they got to the mausoleum, 354 00:12:20,665 --> 00:12:23,468 Mullen and Hughes has gotten away. 355 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,102 So it was a huge mess and the... 356 00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:26,103 Secret Service guys are like, 357 00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:27,272 Ah, shit. 358 00:12:27,305 --> 00:12:29,041 We really fucked this one up. 359 00:12:29,074 --> 00:12:30,742 So Hughes and Mullen, 360 00:12:30,774 --> 00:12:32,845 they didn't know it was the Secret Service. 361 00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,278 They just thought it was 362 00:12:34,311 --> 00:12:37,181 some random dudes' shoot-out at a graveyard. 363 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,585 So they just went back to The Hub. 364 00:12:39,618 --> 00:12:41,186 And they're just chilling. 365 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:42,487 And then the Secret Service 366 00:12:42,519 --> 00:12:43,922 fucking bust into the bar 367 00:12:43,955 --> 00:12:44,956 and catch up with them. 368 00:12:44,989 --> 00:12:46,591 So they're all patting 369 00:12:46,624 --> 00:12:47,658 each other's backs. 370 00:12:47,691 --> 00:12:48,893 They're like, we finally got 371 00:12:48,927 --> 00:12:50,361 these fucking assholes, 372 00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:51,362 you know. 373 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,165 This is the establishment 374 00:12:53,197 --> 00:12:55,032 of the Secret Service. 375 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,667 We're gonna protect presidents, 376 00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,003 dead or alive, 377 00:12:58,036 --> 00:12:59,037 for now... 378 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,305 ?? 379 00:13:00,337 --> 00:13:01,906 To eternity. 380 00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:05,109 ?? 381 00:13:05,143 --> 00:13:06,345 So in the end, 382 00:13:06,378 --> 00:13:08,446 to quote my grandfather... 383 00:13:10,507 --> 00:13:12,410 _ 384 00:13:12,683 --> 00:13:15,453 Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, select, start. 385 00:13:15,486 --> 00:13:16,788 S�, se�or. 386 00:13:17,354 --> 00:13:20,658 (Video game music) 387 00:13:22,793 --> 00:13:24,028 Hello, I'm JD Ryznar. 388 00:13:24,061 --> 00:13:26,130 Today I'm going to tell you the story 389 00:13:26,163 --> 00:13:27,431 of Elmer McCurdy, 390 00:13:27,465 --> 00:13:29,500 the bandit who wouldn't give up. 391 00:13:31,069 --> 00:13:32,771 (Slurps) 392 00:13:36,041 --> 00:13:37,109 Boy... 393 00:13:37,142 --> 00:13:38,793 So where does our story begin? 394 00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:39,646 This is gonna be great. 395 00:13:39,676 --> 00:13:41,545 You guys, you're gonna nail this, okay? 396 00:13:41,578 --> 00:13:42,213 I'm gonna go... 397 00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:43,214 (Imitating whooshing) 398 00:13:43,247 --> 00:13:44,415 And when I pull this back, 399 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,469 it's gonna be the past. 400 00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:46,395 It's gonna be 1911. 401 00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:47,425 Ready? 402 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:49,521 Whoosh. 403 00:13:49,554 --> 00:13:53,357 1911 in Pawhuska, Oklahoma. 404 00:13:53,391 --> 00:13:54,825 Elmer McCurdy 405 00:13:54,858 --> 00:13:56,694 wanted to be a famous outlaw 406 00:13:56,727 --> 00:13:59,530 like Bill Doolin of the Wild Bunch. 407 00:13:59,564 --> 00:14:01,266 He was like, Ah, the Wild Bunch. 408 00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:04,236 They did so many cool robberies in the 1800s, 409 00:14:04,269 --> 00:14:08,373 and they were the sweetest outlaws you could think of. 410 00:14:08,405 --> 00:14:10,308 That's who I'm gonna be. 411 00:14:10,341 --> 00:14:13,378 Let's find some crimes for me to do. 412 00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:14,945 So he decided 413 00:14:14,978 --> 00:14:16,814 to rob trains. 414 00:14:16,848 --> 00:14:18,817 So he robs everybody in the train 415 00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:20,351 and hides out. 416 00:14:20,385 --> 00:14:22,420 But then the police show up, 417 00:14:22,453 --> 00:14:24,222 and say, Hey, Elmer McCurdy, 418 00:14:24,255 --> 00:14:26,891 we see you, and we're gonna have a shoot-out with you now. 419 00:14:26,925 --> 00:14:28,526 And he's like, All right. 420 00:14:28,559 --> 00:14:29,994 (Imitates gunshots) 421 00:14:30,027 --> 00:14:31,495 And the cops are like... 422 00:14:31,529 --> 00:14:32,764 (Imitates gunshots) 423 00:14:32,796 --> 00:14:33,764 And he's like... 424 00:14:33,798 --> 00:14:35,567 (Imitates gunshots) 425 00:14:35,599 --> 00:14:37,134 Elmer McCurdy gets shot in the chest. 426 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,503 (Blows raspberry) 427 00:14:38,535 --> 00:14:39,838 And as he's dying, he goes, 428 00:14:39,871 --> 00:14:42,574 Heh, heh, heh, heh, you just watch. 429 00:14:42,607 --> 00:14:46,077 I'm the bandit who will 430 00:14:46,109 --> 00:14:49,180 never give up. 431 00:14:49,213 --> 00:14:50,281 And he dies. 432 00:14:50,314 --> 00:14:51,715 Mm. 433 00:14:51,748 --> 00:14:53,884 And they just take him to the funeral home. 434 00:14:53,918 --> 00:14:56,221 And Joseph Johnson, the funeral director, 435 00:14:56,253 --> 00:14:58,956 was like, Got an outlaw here. 436 00:14:58,990 --> 00:15:00,425 It's 1911. 437 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,827 People love outlaws. 438 00:15:02,859 --> 00:15:05,329 So I'm gonna embalm this piece of shit. 439 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,732 Okay, so Joseph Johnson sets him up 440 00:15:07,765 --> 00:15:09,867 in the back of his funeral home. 441 00:15:09,901 --> 00:15:11,368 And he says to people, 442 00:15:11,401 --> 00:15:13,237 Hey, everybody, 443 00:15:13,271 --> 00:15:15,607 who wants to see a dead outlaw? 444 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,842 You put a nickel in the dead outlaw's mouth, 445 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:18,877 you can look at him. 446 00:15:18,910 --> 00:15:20,444 So people just coming back 447 00:15:20,477 --> 00:15:21,813 to the back of his funeral home 448 00:15:21,846 --> 00:15:23,848 and going like, Whoa. 449 00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:25,817 It's a dead outlaw. 450 00:15:25,849 --> 00:15:27,752 I'm putting this nickel right in his mouth. 451 00:15:27,785 --> 00:15:29,286 (Parlor music) 452 00:15:29,319 --> 00:15:30,955 Best nickel I ever spent. 453 00:15:30,988 --> 00:15:32,857 ?? 454 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,693 The funeral director had Elmer McCurdy 455 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,094 in the back of his funeral parlor 456 00:15:36,127 --> 00:15:37,395 for five years, 457 00:15:37,428 --> 00:15:39,965 just making nickels hand over fist. 458 00:15:39,997 --> 00:15:42,066 I got so many nickels. 459 00:15:42,099 --> 00:15:45,002 (Chuckles) I'm payin' all my bills. 460 00:15:45,035 --> 00:15:46,503 Nickels, nickels, 461 00:15:46,536 --> 00:15:48,239 I'm rich with nickels. 462 00:15:49,674 --> 00:15:51,143 (Both laughing) 463 00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,213 A man throwing that many nickels around... 464 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,682 can't go without drawing too much attention 465 00:15:57,714 --> 00:15:59,483 from other greedy people. 466 00:15:59,516 --> 00:16:01,953 And so this dude comes by 467 00:16:01,986 --> 00:16:04,990 and is like, oh, what's going on, bro? 468 00:16:05,022 --> 00:16:06,992 I'm Elm... I'm... 469 00:16:07,025 --> 00:16:08,927 Elmer McCurdy's brother. 470 00:16:08,959 --> 00:16:10,894 I kind of want to give him a proper burial 471 00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:11,997 in uh, look, 472 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:13,665 California or wherever... 473 00:16:13,698 --> 00:16:15,100 (Blows raspberry) 474 00:16:15,132 --> 00:16:17,102 And the funeral director's like, well... 475 00:16:17,135 --> 00:16:18,602 Made a lot of nickels. That was cool. 476 00:16:18,636 --> 00:16:21,139 I'm not gonna make many arguments about that. 477 00:16:21,171 --> 00:16:24,375 So turns out the guy who took Elmer McCurdy's body 478 00:16:24,409 --> 00:16:27,578 was not Elmer McCurdy's brother as he had claimed. 479 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,847 It was actually 480 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,448 one of the Patterson brothers. 481 00:16:30,481 --> 00:16:32,250 And the Patterson brothers 482 00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:34,051 were taking this dead body 483 00:16:34,084 --> 00:16:35,586 across a country 484 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,255 and were like, Hey, everybody, 485 00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:38,355 come and check it out. 486 00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:40,491 Hey, we got a cool wax figure 487 00:16:40,525 --> 00:16:41,992 of Jesse James 488 00:16:42,026 --> 00:16:43,995 and Bill Doolin from the Wild Bunch. 489 00:16:44,027 --> 00:16:45,362 That's a cool bunch. 490 00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:47,531 And then we also have a real dead body 491 00:16:47,564 --> 00:16:49,300 of the bandit 492 00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:50,901 who wouldn't give up. 493 00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:52,670 And people were like, Oh, a real dead body. 494 00:16:52,703 --> 00:16:55,106 I'll pay a nickel, 25�. 495 00:16:55,138 --> 00:16:56,440 And the Patterson brothers were like, 496 00:16:56,473 --> 00:16:58,009 Cha-ching. 497 00:16:58,041 --> 00:17:00,244 Money, money, money, money, money, money, money. 498 00:17:00,278 --> 00:17:01,445 Quarter, quarter, quarter, quarter, 499 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:03,515 quarter, quarter, quarter. 500 00:17:03,548 --> 00:17:04,516 But... 501 00:17:04,549 --> 00:17:05,950 after a while, 502 00:17:05,982 --> 00:17:07,618 the Patterson brothers made their money 503 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,288 and then it... it just kind of wore out its welcome. 504 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,590 So Patterson brothers sell him to somebody else. 505 00:17:13,624 --> 00:17:16,328 This dead body is being passed around. 506 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,395 And people are like, Listen. 507 00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:18,530 We can't do too much 508 00:17:18,562 --> 00:17:19,963 with this dead body anymore. 509 00:17:19,996 --> 00:17:21,899 We're gonna cover him in a bunch of wax 510 00:17:21,933 --> 00:17:23,501 and we'll just put him in storage 511 00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:25,270 in Hollywood. 512 00:17:25,302 --> 00:17:27,171 (Blows raspberry) 513 00:17:27,204 --> 00:17:29,174 (Dramatic music) 514 00:17:33,411 --> 00:17:34,813 That was a great story. 515 00:17:34,846 --> 00:17:36,146 No, it's... 516 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,249 the story's not over yet, Derek Waters. 517 00:17:38,281 --> 00:17:39,250 I'm sorry. 518 00:17:39,282 --> 00:17:40,551 The story gets cra... 519 00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:42,421 The story gets crazy. 520 00:17:45,889 --> 00:17:46,890 I'm gonna put a nickel 521 00:17:46,924 --> 00:17:47,892 in Derek Waters' mouth 522 00:17:47,925 --> 00:17:49,027 'cause that's what people did 523 00:17:49,059 --> 00:17:50,161 to Elmer McCurdy. 524 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,695 (Upbeat piano music) 525 00:17:51,729 --> 00:17:52,697 (Both laughing) 526 00:17:52,730 --> 00:17:53,932 It's funny. It's fun. 527 00:17:53,964 --> 00:17:55,300 That was fun to do. 528 00:17:55,332 --> 00:17:56,800 That was worth a nickel. 529 00:17:56,834 --> 00:17:58,069 Let me take that nickel out of your mouth. 530 00:17:58,101 --> 00:17:59,970 (Groans) That was more uncomfortable 531 00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:01,171 as you taking it out. 532 00:18:01,204 --> 00:18:02,540 I'm gonna put it in your mouth again. 533 00:18:02,572 --> 00:18:03,807 What a delight! 534 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:04,876 This is great. 535 00:18:05,777 --> 00:18:07,245 Where was I? 536 00:18:07,611 --> 00:18:08,879 (Laughs) 537 00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:11,583 Okay, so Elmer McCurdy's body spent... 538 00:18:11,616 --> 00:18:13,718 20 years in storage. 539 00:18:13,751 --> 00:18:15,686 And then there was this amusement park 540 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,355 in Long Beach, California, 541 00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:19,723 that was like, we need a spooky thing 542 00:18:19,757 --> 00:18:21,612 for our spooky house. 543 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,895 So they took this thing, and they hung it up. 544 00:18:23,927 --> 00:18:25,729 And they painted it bright orange. 545 00:18:25,762 --> 00:18:28,265 (Dramatic music) 546 00:18:28,299 --> 00:18:31,002 So now it's 1976 547 00:18:31,034 --> 00:18:34,271 when a production of "The Six Million Dollar Man" 548 00:18:34,305 --> 00:18:36,107 came to the funhouse. 549 00:18:36,139 --> 00:18:37,408 And they're like, It'd be cool 550 00:18:37,442 --> 00:18:39,077 if the Six Million Dollar Man 551 00:18:39,109 --> 00:18:42,646 came through the funhouse and got spooked by a thing. 552 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,204 But that mummy right there in the noose? 553 00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:46,011 That's not spooky. 554 00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:47,385 We need to get something spookier than this. 555 00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:48,631 Let's strike that. 556 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:49,792 That means "move it" 557 00:18:49,822 --> 00:18:50,988 in making movies. 558 00:18:51,789 --> 00:18:54,559 So the moving-the-things guy 559 00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,461 goes and moves the thing, 560 00:18:57,494 --> 00:18:59,164 and the arm falls off. 561 00:18:59,196 --> 00:19:00,231 (Blows raspberry) 562 00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,433 And the guy looks at the arm 563 00:19:01,465 --> 00:19:02,867 and was like, 564 00:19:02,899 --> 00:19:05,102 It's a... there's a bone! 565 00:19:05,136 --> 00:19:07,004 It's a real human hand. 566 00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:08,640 It's a bone in here. 567 00:19:08,673 --> 00:19:10,842 Ah, this is a real dead body. 568 00:19:10,875 --> 00:19:12,410 I'm scared of this. 569 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:13,711 So... 570 00:19:13,743 --> 00:19:15,746 the ambulance comes, and... 571 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,714 the coroner takes a look at it, 572 00:19:17,748 --> 00:19:19,384 examines it very closely, 573 00:19:19,416 --> 00:19:20,952 and was like, 574 00:19:20,984 --> 00:19:24,388 Wait, there's a bunch of nickels in this guy's mouth. 575 00:19:24,422 --> 00:19:27,725 He has a bunch of carnival sideshow stubs 576 00:19:27,758 --> 00:19:29,360 shoved into his coat. 577 00:19:29,393 --> 00:19:31,196 We got a bullet wound in his chest. 578 00:19:31,229 --> 00:19:33,598 We've got some certain scars on this and that. 579 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,400 Oh, this is shitty Elmer McCurdy, 580 00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:39,671 the outlaw who wanted to be a cooler outlaw. 581 00:19:39,703 --> 00:19:41,705 Oh, well, that's who it is. 582 00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:45,376 So once they found out it was a real dude... 583 00:19:45,408 --> 00:19:47,544 they shipped him back to Oklahoma, 584 00:19:47,578 --> 00:19:49,681 and they had a big funeral for him. 585 00:19:49,713 --> 00:19:52,015 300 people showed up. 586 00:19:52,049 --> 00:19:54,285 And they buried him right next to Bill Doolin, 587 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,387 and he looks at Bill Doolin's grave and he's like, 588 00:19:57,421 --> 00:19:59,023 I'm a big fan of yours. 589 00:19:59,056 --> 00:20:01,392 And then Bill Doolin's ghost says, 590 00:20:01,425 --> 00:20:04,028 You're just a ghost talking to a grave, dude. 591 00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:06,129 Uh, you're a shitty outlaw. 592 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,598 Eat a dick. 593 00:20:07,632 --> 00:20:09,300 But Elmer McCurdy was the bandit 594 00:20:09,332 --> 00:20:10,834 who wouldn't give up, 595 00:20:10,867 --> 00:20:13,605 until he had a reputation as a sweet bandit, 596 00:20:13,834 --> 00:20:15,375 and that's what he got. 597 00:20:16,054 --> 00:20:18,275 Not bad, Elmer McCurdy... 598 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,106 Not bad. 599 00:20:21,945 --> 00:20:25,550 That's... that makes me have hope for America 600 00:20:25,582 --> 00:20:28,652 that, like, you could really make it here... 601 00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,888 as a dead body for 60 years. 602 00:20:30,922 --> 00:20:32,156 (Chuckles) 603 00:20:34,892 --> 00:20:36,160 Who you winking at? 604 00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,463 Amer... I was winking at America. 605 00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:41,130 ?? 606 00:20:41,652 --> 00:20:48,447 = synced and corrected by Shahrazade = ... www.addic7ed.com ... 607 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:53,047 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43206

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