All language subtitles for Drunk History s02e10 First Ladies.eng

Grover Cleveland was
like, Frances is, like,

gonna be the main bitch.

Wait, what was I saying?

Edith [Bleep] Wilson was like, sit down.
I am in charge now.

Can I get my cheesy bread I brought?

- Your what?
- Cheesy bread that I brought!

When the British
arrive, Dolley Madison

was like I'm just gonna be
checking this [Bleep] out,

and I'm gonna take care of everything.

Cheers.
[Laughs]

[Patriotic music]

2x10 - First Ladies

A first lady is pretty much...
she is... well, obviously

she is the wife of the president,
but she's around to...

to kind of, like...
whatever... hold on.

Let me think.
[Laughs]

- First ladies?
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- A first lady is a female ambassador

to the United States of America.

Without a first lady,
America would be [Bleep].

Behind every good man is a
ride-or-die kind of bitch,

and America would not thrive
without a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

- You know what I'm saying?
- First ladies.

I'm nose-greasing this beer
'cause I cannot deal with this foam.

I've never heard "nose-greasing."

- What?
- I've never heard that term.

Okay, so you, like,

- take the side of your face...
- Okay.

- there's always grease on your face.
- Of course, I have a greasy face.

Okay, so then you take it,
and you just, like, kind of...

- Then I have grease in my drink.
- Yeah, which is, like...

means you can drink it sooner.

[Laughs]

[Snorts]

[Both laugh]

Hello.

Today we're talking
about Frances Cleveland,

wife of Grover Cleveland.

So, like, basically Grover Cleveland
gets elected president,

and he was just, like, a fat, lonely man
living alone in that white house,

and he was like, okay, I'm
in a very unique situation.

I'm not married, and,
like, I need a chick

that's going to, like,
be the first lady.

Rose Cleveland, Grover's lesbian sister
was like, let's invite

the Emma Folsom lady
to a white house something.

So, like, Emma went to the white house,

and everyone was like, I think
he's gonna marry Emma Folsom.

Like, that's going to be
the way this shakes down.

But then, you know
groves like, kind of saw

Emma's daughter Frances, this,
like, beautiful 21-year-old girl,

and he was like, how can I hit that?

Like, it was romantic, and, like,
he wound up being like,

let's just you and me take a little tour
of this white house situation.

So, like, he took her
out to, like, some balcony

that's all like [Bleep]
romantic or whatever,

and he was just like, look at this.
Like, look at this.

He's like, I live in the most
expensive house in America.

It's [Bleep] fabulous.

So, like, she like, looked at it
and was like, this is fabulous.

I could maybe see myself
being the first lady.

But then Emma Folsom saw that, like,

Grover was jocking on
her daughter Frances.

Like, she was like, okay,
like, I think you're about

to get with the guy that I
like, which is, like, bogus.

You just, like, get out of the country.

So she sends her to Europe for,
like, one year after her graduation,

but unbeknownst to her own damn self,

Grover Cleveland wrote
Frances, like, a letter,

and was like, let's get married,
and... [Giggles]

Frances, like, wrote back, like,
yes, I will marry you.

Like, it was one of those, like...
it was like a Khloe and Lamar

sort of nine-day wedding situation

where they, like, very quickly
announced their engagement.

Grover was like, Frances is, like,
gonna be the main bitch.

The press freaked out.

So, like, Grover was like, okay.

Well, I will be fully
committed to a certain woman,

I will be fully committed to a woman
that's my husband... wife.

[Laughs]

Wait, what was I saying?

I didn't eat today.
That's so bad.

- We need to get some food in you.
- Okay, wait. Let's see you.

Oh, honey. Cute.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.

One, place "frogen" nuggets.
Frozen.

Okay.
Thank you, thank you.

- What do you think?
- Killing it. [Laughter]

So, like, they did that,
and the press was, like, hounding.

Like, this was the first
time that some president,

like, married a girl
while he was in the white house.

She was kind of like an it girl.

Like, every time she
was on a magazine cover,

they would move mad units.

It's like her image
was really exploited,

and people were putting her
everywhere and everything

from, like, household cleaning
products to, like, small personal items.

Like, pill boxes, wooden things,
because they felt that, like, yeah,

this girl will sell [Bleep],
but she was like, whatever.

You guys can, like,
bastardize me and turn me into

all of these different
commercial products,

but, like, actually I'm
a college-educated woman.

I'm put together, and, like,
people are interested in me

in a way that they haven't been
interested in other first ladies,

and I'm gonna, like, blow that up.

Like, if everyone's gonna
be paying attention to me,

let's make sure they're paying
attention to me for the right reasons.

And by the way, I would
like to be called Frank.

I mean, you can call me Frances or you
can call me Frank, but mostly Frank.

That's pretty cool... a girl saying
she wants to be called Frank.

I mean, that's the thing is,
like, she was a down-ass bitch.

Like, she's like, every single Saturday,

I'm going to meet with the
working women of Washington,

and there would be lines forming
outside of the white house.

And Frances Cleveland, like,
saw two young girls eating out of...

out of a dumpster one day.

She's like, that's not right.
Like, this is not right.

And so she started a
charity called, like,

the Home for friendless colored girls.

I'm gonna say, like, that's
a brutal name for a charity.

[Dog growls]

Shh.

Can you be quiet?
Wait one second.

Okay, that's good.
[Dog growls]

But she had all this [Bleep] going on.

So, like, Grover was like,
I don't want my wife especially...

a woman shouldn't bother
their head with politics.

But, like, especially my wife should not

be bothering her head with politics.

Like, she...
Oh, hold on. Where's my lighter?

Thank you.

She was the one that said like,
yeah, okay. Like, yeah, okay, Groves.

Like, you're, like... you're telling me
that I can't have a political opinion

or you're telling me whatever,
but, like, [Bleep] It.

These are my girls.
Like, I'm gonna have these people,

I'm gonna shake all of their hands,
I'm gonna hear their thoughts,

I'm gonna hear their voices.

And she went out of her
way to support women.

Like, she was so charitable,
and she never stopped.

And on her very last
day in the white house,

23,000 people
came out to meet her,

and she was like,
thanks so much.

She's great. I usually...
honestly, I'm in love with her.

Like, I think she's the
greatest first lady ever.

Cheers.

- Cheers to day-drinking. [Glasses clink]
- Day-drinking.

[gulps]
[glass shatters]

"College".

[Both laugh]

Edith Wilson was the
first female president.

She was like, I'm
just gonna [Bleep] make

the deci... [Stammers]

Make the decisions myself.

Do you have a favorite first lady?

I think Michelle
Obama really gets my vote

because she's got really toned arms.

To me, when I think of a first lady,
I always think of Jackie O.

- I love Hillary Clinton.
- Lady bird Johnson.

She was beautiful and fashionable.

I like the poise and the charisma
of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Talk about a bitch that
could serve some face.

I might throw up.

- You think?
- Well, no.

I actually didn't even drink that much.
Just two bottles, but then

before I came, I had three drinks.

[Burps, clears throat]

Hello. [Laughs]

Today we're gonna talk
about Edith Wilson,

the first female President
of the United States.

Woodrow Wilson was the
president of... of America.

The United States of America.

Edith [Bleep] Wilson was
the goddamn president's wife.

So Woodrow Wilson, he had
18 months left in office,

and he has a [Bleep] stroke.
His doctor was like,

uh, Woodrow Wilson has
had a stroke, a big stroke.

Like, we can't move, y'all, stroke.
So what you gon' do?

And Edith was like, well,
who I love is this man.

for who he is, and
who he is is a guy who

wants to be president
for some [Bleep] reason.

So if I don't...
just ignore that.

If I don't... just ignore that.

If I don't help him be president,

what a kind of wife am I?

The doctor's like, uh...

you got to run the [bleep] country

'cause this guy's out for the count.

So Edith was like,
no problem. I got this.

Shut up. Sit down.

I am in charge now.

Can I get my cheesy bread I brought?

- Your what?
- Cheesy bread that I brought.

- Can we finish this part?
- What part?

- The part that we want to do.
- [Whimpers] My cheesy bread.

- We're still doing it.
- All right. Well...

I don't want the bread anymore.

[Laughs]

So Edith Wilson told America,
hey, guys. [Claps]

Excuse me.
My husband, the President...

he's very tired,
and he will be resting.

He's very tired, so he needs to rest.

And she even went to Congress
and was like, hey, no big deal.

I'm giving him everything
you're saying, Congress.

I'm giving him all the
letters and other things.

So, what do you guys think
of this rule or a law or

thing that we're working on?

And they'd be like,
whatever, we think this.

And then she'd bring it
to Woodrow who was like,

half awake, and she'd
be like, all right.

Well, Congress is
like, blah, blah, blah.

And he'd be like...
[Mumbles indistinctly]

And she was like, well,
I guess I'll compromise.

I'm just gonna [Bleep] make the deci...

[stammers]

Make the decisions myself.

So basically, Edith Wilson
was the first female president.

She ran memos between Congress and him.

Congress is like,
all right. What? What?

What is going on?

So Congress picked this one
republican senator, Albert Fall.

They're like, Albert, go see
what his true condition is.

Go see what Wilson's true condition is.
So Albert Fall shows up.

He's like, can we come in
and see the true condition?

She's not [Bleep] stupid.
She's like yeah, sure.

Come on in.

So Albert Fall comes in.

[Dramatic music]

It was like, yep,
he's not... this is him.

Making decisions every day,

and not I... take the...
thank you, honey.

And I take the... the papers from him

that I don't understand 'cause
I'm just some dumb broad.

And Edith just propped
up Woodrow in bed.

Like, waving, like hey.

And they're like,
oh, okay. Cool.

And she's like, bye.
And then they leave.

That's how dumb government is.

We had a woman [Bleep]
running this country,

and guess what? You
could go, nothing good

happened, but I can go,
nothing bad happened.

9/11 didn't happen on her watch. Um...

Disneyland with Johnny
Depp at the ani...

the... ho... the haunted mansion
that's all Tim Burton...

that didn't happen on her watch.

Christmas and Halloween
combined, a lot of things...

[chuckles]

Basically everyone at this point
is like, where is the president?

Where is our boss?

Who ever in the name of God is like,

"our boss is missing. We
can't wait to get him back"?

Nobody!

Nobody wants to see they boss.

Ow! Ow.

So she literally is like,
I can feel the heat on me.

I know what I'll do.
I'll set up a photoshoot,

'cause they can sense America
breathing down their neck,

and they prop up Woodrow Wilson
in the oval office.

So he's, like, sitting there,

and they, like, move his arm,

and then they just
release that to the press,

and that's how dumb
people were back then.

They're like, oh, there's the president
sitting there signing a document.

What the heck were we
worried about? He seems to

be all at work and [Bleep].
So, that's all fine.

That's how she ran the country.

- That's a good story.
- This is our...

- Can I just get back up?
- Watch your head.

- Huh?
- Can I just get back up?

- Yeah.
- But it's not on the show.

- What?
- Anything.

When does it start filming?

British ass[Bleep]
[Bleep] the white house up.

Washington is like
L.A. riots times ten.

[Chuckles]
I don't know what that means.

I don't either.

Have you ever heard
of Dolley Madison?

No.
[Laughs]

I just thought of Dolly Parton.
Sorry.

And I just envisioned her as the
first lady, and that was funny.

Hello.
I'm Jenny Johnson,

and we're about to talk about

first lady Dolley Madison,
so buckle up.

[Chuckles]

All right. Or something.

So Dolley Madison was the
wife to the president

of the United States,
James Madison.

Dolley smoked, Dolley drank,

Dolley dipped snuff.

Dolley was a big party monster,
and everyone loves her.

At the time, the white
house was under construction,

so Dolley jumps in with this
architect, and she starts

getting drapes, and she
starts getting paintings,

and she makes the white
house, like, awesome.

- I'm gonna take a drink now.
- Yeah.

- Do it.
- Mm-hmm.

And I put my pinky out
so you know I'm a lady.

- I thought that's what you were doing.
- Mm-hmm.

But then the war of 1812 happens,

so when Britain... when
they arrived on the shores,

this British guys show up,
and they're like, awesome.

Like, no one's here.

So we'll just drop anchor
and start trashing the place.

While Dolley and James
were in the white house,

they get word that
holy [Bleep], these guys have landed,

and they're heading this way.

So James Madison's like, you know what?

I'm gonna get on a horse,
and I'm gonna go there,

and I'm gonna be like, guess what?
Knock, knock. President's here.

And she's like, okay,
see you for dinner.

James leaves.

She stays in the white
house while everybody else

in Washington is kind of
being pussies and leaving.

And she's like holy [Bleep].

James just left on a horse,
and this [Bleep]'s going down.

Like, I can hear cannons going off.
I can hear this [Bleep] happening.

So Dolley was like, to show
Washington that I'm not leaving...

everyone else can be
pussies and they can leave...

I've got my spyglass,

and I'm just gonna be
checking this [Bleep] out,

and I'm gonna take care of everything.

Until this guy knocks on the door

and he's like, everything's
gone to [Bleep].

The hundred guys that were
securing the white house,

they... they're gone,
'cause they're pussies.

You got to get the [Bleep] out.

British ass[Bleep] are about to come

take a giant dump on Washington,

and they're gonna [Bleep]
the white house up.

But then she's like,
I got to pack my [Bleep].

She started taking the
red velvet curtains,

silver serving dishes,

and all the China from the white house,

but then she's like, there's
this beautiful portrait

of George Washington.
I'm not gonna leave that.

She tells the servants, get
that portrait out of there.

And they took the portrait out,

and one of guys was like, okay,
I'll just, like, roll it up.

And she's like, no, guys.
We're not rolling it up.

You know, like, this is not...

you know, it's not
a Jimi Hendrix poster.

The British arrive.

You know, they're just like,
burn this [Bleep] down.

Like, burn the [Bleep] out of it.

Y'all smile and wave at me real quick.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Okay, I got to instagram this [Bleep].

She leaves, but then
she's like, oh, snap.

Declaration of independence.
So she takes that.

I mean, in, like, just
enough time to get out.

So they trash Washington.

You know, they're just...
they're just really being ass[Bleep].

So Dolley Madison takes
all the important things

that meant something to
this country before she left.

So post-all of this terrible,
you know, burning up [Bleep],

all these people in Congress were like,

Washington is like
L.A. riots times ten.

- Why don't we just move to Philadelphia?
- Let's take a vote.

And James Madison was like, great.
This sucks.

Everyone hates me and thinks
that this war was my fault.

And Dolley was like, I know,
but what we need to do is

convince these idiots that
they can't be voting this way

just because they're scared.

And throw some parties,
'cause you know what I do best?

Party.

[Dubstep music]

And I'm gonna pour that in there.

- Ooh.
- Oop. Whoo.

And then that is the most
lady-like drink

- you will ever have in your life.
- And cheers to Dolley.

To Dolley Madison, y'all.

So she would have these
parties at the octagon

house, this, like,
tricked-out brick place.

She would work the room,
like, you know what?

I realize that everyone wants to get out

of Washington because
it's burned to [Bleep].

It's not like that.
Like, you're voting for stupid [Bleep].

Don't remove us from Washington.

The white house is a symbol
of this... you know,

what we... what we are.
Cheers.

Cheers, guys.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Everybody, cheers.
[Laughs]

After four months of partying,

they looked at Dolley and they're like,
you know what, Dolley?

We just partied for four months,
and you convinced us.

This is where the white house
is gonna be... Washington.

And one day,
maybe Abraham Lincoln...

we don't know who he is at this point,
but he is gonna do stuff,

and they decided that at
Dolley Madison's party.

So Dolley rocked the
[Bleep] out of America,

and Dolley Madison was
truly our first first lady,

and people just, like,
fell in love with that term,

and after that
every wife of a president

was known as the first lady.

So today, in the white house,

where that portrait that Dolley saved
of George Washington hangs,

looking directly on to it
is a portrait of Dolley Madison.

She's looking out for G. W.

You know what?
That's pretty awesome.

And, uh, yeah, that's why Dolley
rips... rips this [Bleep] up.

[Laughs]

I don't know what that means.

- I don't either.
- Okay.

[Music]

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