All language subtitles for Drunk History s02e07 Hawaii.eng

Then Captain Cook says,
you and me are gods.

Let's go and party with them.

[laughs]

Laugh with me.

He looked down and said,
there's a [bleep] arm next me

and there's a hand grenade
in that mother [bleep].

I'm [bleep] hammered, man,
on this [bleep].

And he's all,
"yeah, hey, what's up?"

It's all bull[bleep].

We recognize you surf well but
you're being a [bleep] dick.

Am I the perfect level of
drunkenness right now or too drunk?

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

2x07 - Hawaii

I love Hawaii.

We're lucky to be born
in a special place, you know?

It's magic.

This is the only island
that looks like this.

You go to the other outer...
outer isla...

Out, I'm sorry.

The outer islands,
it's like mayberry.

It's a lot different from
the mainland. That I can say.

You have your bad days
and good days, but, I mean,

you have better days here,
you know what I mean?

Is there a thing instead of
cheers that they say in Hawaii?

They say "ho'o mau kau kau"
and then you have to say "'Ae."

I do?

Or you say ho'o mau kau kau,
and I say 'ae.

- It means are you ready?
- Oh ma.

- Ho'o mau kau kau.
- Ho'o maul kaul kaul.

- Mau.
- Maul.

You're doing an "l."

Do it like me.
Ho'o mau kau kau?

- Ho'o mau kau kau?
- 'Ae. Aloha.

My name is
Jonah Ray Rodrigues,

and I'm here to tell you
about Captain Cook discovering

the Islands of Hawaii.

- Opening shot.
- No.

I got really excited
because I-I thought of that.

- And I guess I...
- No, it's very funny.

Sorry.

- What year is it?
- So the year is 1779.

Kalani'opu'u is crowned
chief right near the celebration

of the season of the god, Lono.

He's like,
he's a rad god.

He's about food and [bleep].

Let's party.

But then, a British ship manned

by Captain James Cook
appears on the water,

and he's just like,
there's some islands here.

Should we...
should we stop?

The Hawaiian's are just like,
oh, my god.

This is what...
Lono has given us,

Like, a whole new buddy
to hang out with.

So King Kalani'opu'u,
excited about these people,

says, you seem pretty cool.
You're a really cool dude.

But the way that it works out

is that Captain Cook
doesn't understand Hawaiian.

He takes what he's
saying as, oh.

I think this guy thinks we're
a god or gods of us.

We're all gods.
You and me are gods.

Let's go and party with them,

because I've never been
to a party where I'm a god.

And that's the first
miscommunication that's happened.

The thing about Hawaiians

is that they're very much
into the spirit of aloha,

which is,
they're very good hosts.

All of Cook's men
are just having a blast.

It's like, what's that? Food?
I'm gonna eat it.

And other people are like,
sex... you like sex?

I bet you do.
Come and have some.

But they are
the worst guests,

because they don't contribute
anything to this party,

and so it's like two weeks.

The Hawaiians are
kind of being like,

brother, these kind haoles,
they ain't pitching in.

All they do is eat
and have sex with our sisters.

Yeah, the Brits, they're just
like, yeah I know, I know.

We're...you guys are doing
a great job of...

[belches]

treating your gods well.

So tension starts to build.
And so at that point...

[train whistle blows]

The train comes.

And so at that point,

Captain Cook and his men go,
you know what?

It's time to check out
that Northern passage anyway.

Thanks so much for the pig
and the women.

And, you know, sweet beaches.
But we gotta go.

And so Captain Cook and his men leave.

Hawaiian people are like, brah.
Finally.

Let's get back
to the way things were.

What happens at this point
is that there's a storm,

and it just busts their boat.

And so Captain Cook is like,
um, ship's broke.

But don't worry,
we can go back to Hawaii.

They'll do whatever we say.

Well, Cook shows back up and goes,

like, hey, everybody. I'm back.

And they're like,
oh, you're... why are you back?

Cook is just like, now as your god,

I demand you to fix my boat.
My boat got broke.

Now you got to fix my boat.
Fix my broke boat.

And so everybody in Hawaii
is just like, no, brah.

- Not even. Huh?
- Let's do a shot.

[laughs]

Laugh with me.

You're trying to make
a fool of me.

Because I've seen the show.
I know how it works.

Perfect.

So Cook is saying, that's really weird

that they're not treating
their gods with respect.

And then so the Hawaiian people,
just kind of upset, steal some stuff.

Captain Cook and his men notice it.

They're like, hey,
I think this stuff was stolen.

I think they stole it. We
should probably, uh, retaliate.

And Captain Cook goes,
oh, no, no, no.

Until you return our stuff
and fix our boat,

we're gonna take your chief.

And they kidnapped
King Kalani'opu'u.

And this is where things
take a turn for the worst.

He was saying... he's like,
all right.

I'm gonna take this guy
back to the boat.

Show them how gnarly we can get.

At that point, one of Captain
James Cook's men shoots a kid,

Kalani'opu'u's nephew,
and everyone loses it.

Everyone's just like,
what the [bleep]?

What's wrong with you?
What are you, white?

And they start picking up rocks
and spears

and pummeling Captain Cook and his men.

It's... it's like a mosh pit.

Cook is saying,
okay, you know what?

It's at this moment

that I realize that they
don't think we're gods.

Clank, Captain Cook gets killed
in this situation.

- Couple other James Cook's shipmates...
- Whoopsie.

Shut the [bleep] up.

I didn't realize
how combative this would get.

Deal with it.

And then Kalani'opu'u goes,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Everyone chill out.

Everyone's like, all right, cool.

He's like, I like this guy.
He messed up. We all do.

Let's give him
a proper Hawaiian burial.

We're gonna burn his body,
take some of the bones

and keep them for ourselves because,
you know, this guy seems to be...

he has a lot of stuff going on.

But we're gonna give the rest
of the body back.

And so they burned the body,
and he says, here.

Here's this sack of...

here's the sack of James Cook.

No hard feelings.
You understood how it all went down.

Have fun back in England.

After that, Hawaii became a port.

It became a place where you have
to be accommodating to visitors.

So it's a good place.
It's real beautiful.

Hey, dad, it's Jonah.

_

Dad, what do you think the
greatest thing about Hawaii is?

_

What do you think
the worst thing about Hawaii is?

_

[laughs]

Oh, daddy.

The entire unit
was celebrated by the president,

and I'm pretty [bleep] up.

Oh, man.

No [bleep] way.
So you jump off this?

My first jump off anything
in Hawaii was off this.

- Were you scared?
- I'm scared every time.

Was there anything
that you heard

- that helped you not be scared?
- Go.

[laughter]

Whoo whoo!

My body's a little
differently shaped than yours.

[screams]

Aloha!

And what are you drinking?

I'm drinking tequila,
and I'd show you the bottle,

but it has no top on it. I hope
you don't mind it being undressed.

- Sorry.
- Oh, you're fine.

Hi, I'm Phil Hendrie, and welcome to

Drunk history on Comedy Central.

Tonight, the story of Daniel Inouye.
Cheers.

Daniel Inouye is putting his tie
on one beautiful Sunday morning

when suddenly his father's
in the hallway.

And his dad's like, this is not a drill.
It's not a joke.

Pearl Harbor's been attacked.

We're [bleep].
America's bombed.

Hawaii is bombed.
Pearl Harbor is bombed.

Bang,
down he goes into Honolulu,

and he was the first
guy in line to enlist.

And they came out and said,
you can't enlist.

- Inouye's like, why?
- Because you're a Jap. You know, it sucks.

That just blew his [bleep] mind.

He was,
what are you talking about?

I'm ready to rock and roll
on this [bleep], you know.

Why can't Japanese-Americans fight?

Well, this was bull [bleep] because
not a one of these people had

proven themselves to be anything
other than loyal [bleep] Americans.

It wasn't until 1943 when
finally the 442 was organized.

We are the go for broke
Japanese-American unit,

the reginal innermint...

internet...
the internet regiment team.

Whoo, man.

[laughter]

The 442 infantry regiment
United States regiment.

Most of the 442 came from Hawaii.

- What the [bleep] is that?
- Well, we're gonna build the scene.

- Let's see if we got...
- Oh, I see.

- We're gonna hide there.
- What the [bleep] is this?

- He's playing a guitar. Look at this one.
- Oh, yeah. Is that La Bamba?

He's...yeah, he's doing
a guitar move here, you see?

He's just, yeah.

So the fighting in Italy
was brutality unchained.

There was mountain fighting.

It was slow, plodding,
deadly warfare.

Daniel is a... he's a lieutenant,
so he's leading a platoon.

It's April of 1945.

The objective, we got to
clear these machine gun nests.

What the [bleep], you know.

Let's send these Japanese guys in.
Let's see what they can do, okay?

You know, go out,
kick ass, take names.

[bleep] them up.
You know, let's go, man.

Inouye leads his platoon up this ridge.

Gradually, he sees his men
behind him getting killed.

Inouye by this point says,
my men are sitting ducks.

But Inouye is the officer,
and he's Daniel Inouye.

He says, okay, [bleep] it.

I got a... I got a bag full of
grenades. I'm gonna take another shot.

Daniel Inouye by himself,
he kept advancing.

It's like something
out of a [bleep] movie.

The guy's throwing grenades
and firing a machine gun.

Throwing grenades
and firing a machine gun.

Boom, he take out one nest
with hand grenades

and another nest with small arms
firing hand grenades.

And now comes the third
machine gun nest.

You don't have to finish that,
by the way.

- There's no...
- Oh, I might as well go ahead and do it to

it, yeah. That's the
good... that's the baby.

Boom!
As he goes to take the third, bang.

He took a bullet
through the stomach.

He looked down. He said, I
feel okay, so I'll keep going.

Right at that moment
comes a rifle-propelled grenade.

Boom!
This arm is now shredded.

When he looked down,
he said,

there's a [bleep] arm
next to me

and there's a hand grenade
in that mother[bleep].

He says, Jesus H. Christ.
I better throw this grenade.

He grabs the grenade, throws it
into this machine gun nest here.

And then, boom.

Dead.

He crawled behind a tree,
and he stayed there nine hours.

Finally, by midnight,
Inouye was taken downhill.

Guys are coming up to him going,
what happened to your arm?

- What?
- The [bleep] arm is gone.

I don't know which one
you're talking about, man.

- The right arm is not there.
- All right, so it's not [bleep] there.

Well, what the [bleep]?

Oh, jeez,
this guy with the [bleep] arm.

- You love him?
- The arm's gone.

It's gone. I don't know.
You want to go up and

look for it, Billy, you
can go up and look for it.

But I'm going,
and I'm gonna get some chow

and then I'm getting
my [bleep] ass out of here.

I love how this cat
just keeps it together.

I'm [bleep] hammered, man,
on this [bleep],

and he's all,
"yeah, hey, what's up?"

After the war, the 442
was the most decorated unit

in the history of the American army.

But the prejudice against
Japanese-Americans continued.

He said, god damn it, if those
mother[bleep] don't believe it yet,

we've just proven
we're [bleep] patriots, man.

We kicked ass.
We lost our [bleep] arms.

What is going on, you know?
[bleep] you.

We need representation
of the Japanese-Americans.

And now began Daniel Inouye's
career as the very first

Japanese-American representative
in the United States Congress.

And when Daniel Inouye died,
president obama said,

Daniel Inouye was
an inspiration to me,

and without him,
I would not be in politics.

- All right, to a true patriot.
- Right on, man.

There's nothing wrong with that, man.

- Nothing.
- Nothing wrong with that.

He overcame the prejudice of this...
the preju... [laughs]

You dirty mother[bleep].

No. I got it.

Now do it. Ready, up.

All right.

- Looking sharp.
- This is easy.

Just focus on catching the wave.
Be the wave.

Aah!

Am I the perfect level of
drunkenness right now or too drunk?

You were thirsty.
How do you feel?

I feel pretty drunk, so it's
an interesting state of affairs.

[laughs]

Hello, today we're gonna talk
about Eddie Aikau.

So November 19, 1967,

Waimea Bay is bigger
than it's ever been.

Nobody's surfed it this big.

They would just be like,
that is uh... a death zone.

But Edward Ryan
Makuahanai Aikau,

and he's like, I'm gonna go.
And then just killing it.

And that day is recorded by everyone.

He's taking off
deeper than everybody.

He's riding bigger waves.

He's killing it.
He's overnight, a sensation.

He's on covers of surf magazines.
It's like, Eddie Aikau, Hawaiian hero.

Eddie proves himself in front
of the whole world.

Like that was for Hawaii.

This is for every Hawaiian
in the entire world.

Most of them are in Hawaii,
I understand.

So Waimea Bay,
where he made his name,

people are dying all the time
in Waimea Bay.

But then one person's like,
oh, we should have a lifeguard.

And Eddie's like, hey, look at me.

Remember me?
Eddie Aikau.

So they make him the first
lifeguard at Waimea Bay.

He saves over 500 people.
Well, not a single person dies.

Pumping water out of chests
on the sand.

I'm gonna start
sweating at a certain point

- because I just do as I get excited.
- Do you have your towel ready?

- I'm gonna moisted down.
- Yeah.

- I'm getting a little bright.
- Keep it dry.

So now we're in the '70s,

and this brings in a new breed
of surfer from Australia.

They win a bunch of competitions.

Then they [bleep] get in the press
and they insult Hawaiian culture,

saying, Hawaiian way of surfing is old.
It's out of date.

We're the future.
We're the future of surfing.

Oh. I dated an Australian
for two years.

Can't do an Australian accent.

I thank god,
because I'd do it all the time.

The Hawaiians are reasonable people,
but they have been pushed to the point.

So the Australians
get beat up a few times.

Probably made them better people.

At a certain point,
they've gotten beat up so much

that they're, like, holed up
in their room.

There's a knock on the door.
Knock, knock, knock.

And they're just like, oh, no.

So they grab a bunch of tennis rackets.
Rabbit grabs the doorknob

and he turns it like,
what's gonna happen?

He opens it up, and it's Eddie.

And he's like, hey.
I don't have a tennis racket.

Please put those away.
Also, why do you have so many?

Let's talk about this.

So Eddie walks them to a hotel
with a conference room.

And Eddie's like,
what you're doing right now

has been happening
on these islands for so long,

where white people
are just saying, like,

Hawaiians, your culture's not real.
It's all bull[bleep].

We recognize you surf well,
but you're being a [bleep] dick.

All of you are a group
of penises sitting here.

After a while,
the Australians are like,

we don't want to be dicks.
We want to be cool surfer dudes.

We're so sorry.

Do you know they say
"wide on" for a female boner?

That's an Australian term.
As opposed to a hard on, it's a wide on.

Don't you make me explain this more.

[laughter]

This inspires, I think, in Eddie
a belief that, like,

I have to show the world
that Hawaiians are super sweet,

and the way we're gonna prove
it is that we're gonna sail

from Hawaii to Tahiti only by
the stars. And so they leave.

Six hours in, it's a storm.

Uh. So I can just go,
and it's like I'm still here.

And it says, keep it dry

because I sweat a lot,
so I made these up.

[laughs]

So they set sail, but they
set sail in just bad weather.

The storm hits them hard.
They get flipped over.

The captain was just like, oh, no.

I don't want to tell you
we're all gonna die.

But the probability of we're
all gonna die is pretty high.

Eddie says, I'm just doing it.

Eddie takes off his life jacket.

And he's like, I'm gonna go.
I'll get help.

I'll tell you...
I'll tell them where you are.

He gets on his board,
starts to paddle towards Lanai.

Then a few hours later, the
people on the boat see a airplane,

and so they fire the flare, and
that is how everyone gets rescued.

And the Aikau family
are on the shore waiting,

and there's no Eddie.

And there's no Eddie.

And then the captain
has to tell the Aikau family

that Eddie went...
he went...

he went to save them.

He died saving these people.
They've never found Eddie's body.

But Quiksilver started a surf
competition called the Eddie.

The first Eddie competition
that's ever held.

It's big waves, but it's also just...

[belches]

[bleep] up gnarly waves.

And everybody's sitting there.
There was hemming and hawing.

Well, I don't know, maybe we shouldn't.
Maybe we should.

Mark Foo, legendary big wave
surfer, he says, Eddie would go.

And everybody is like, [bleep]
man. Yeah, Eddie would go.

And so that becomes a thing.
Eddie would go,

and it means Eddie would go
on the biggest wave.

He would go save you,
and he would go.

Because if you attempt life,

you might die, but you'll live on,

- and Eddie has.
- Wow.

I mean, I know I have to
wake up at...

Oh, it's only 11:30.
Let's have another drink.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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