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1
00:00:04,185 --> 00:00:20,712
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
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2
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,359
Soz I'm late - bus driver
wouldn't let me on. Why not?
3
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,119
Cos I "didn't have the fare".
4
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,359
Petty.
5
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,519
I need a break, Meg, I need to win
the lottery or do a kiss'n'tell
6
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,879
or have a bad accident
and get a compensation pay-out.
7
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,119
Well, we can all dream, Laura.
8
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,719
Sorry, taxi was late.
9
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,559
You can't afford taxis.
10
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,279
It was Hugh's idea. Who?
11
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,999
We needed a bit more time in bed.
12
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,959
I'm EVER so sore.
13
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,039
Nice. Why are you SORE?
14
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,159
Well, Meg, when two people
love each other very much...
15
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,599
OK, you don't love him.
16
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,839
Excuse me, yes, I love Hugh.
17
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:10,839
Aww, thanks, I love HUGH too!
18
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,279
You can't LOVE him,
you've only just met.
19
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,279
When you meet him,
you'll understand.
20
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,079
He's sexy and sweet and generous.
21
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,039
He's taking us all for lunch today.
22
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,079
Really?
23
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,639
Oh, hello! Green-eyed monster
klaxon! I'm not jealous.
24
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,279
Come on, I know you haven't had
a boyfriend in tres ages...
25
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,079
It's not a big deal,
it's just a dry patch.
26
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:33,039
Fucking desert, mate. When was
the last time you had some pen?
27
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,479
Pen? Pen.
28
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,999
Penny P. Penetration.
29
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,599
When was the last time an actual
penis went in your vagina?
30
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,239
Bunny! Answer.
31
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,159
All right, ten, 12...
32
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,799
Days? No.
33
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,119
Weeks? No, Laura.
34
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,039
Fucking hell, ten years?!
35
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,759
Months.
Why are you missing out months?
36
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,759
Oh, right, ten months.
37
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,399
Ten months?! Actually,
I think it's more like 12.
38
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,199
Look, it doesn't bother me. It's the
least of my worries at the moment.
39
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,159
You need to get back
on the horse, Meg.
40
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,759
There are more important things
for me to get back ON, actually,
41
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,439
like career ladders
and a course of Prozac.
42
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:07,959
Priorities, Meg.
43
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,439
12 months.
44
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:13,440
You know, after a while
it seals itself up?
45
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,760
It's not a piercing.
46
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,119
This thing is slicing me in two.
47
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,999
Camel-toe check.
48
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,759
Er... affirmative.
49
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,519
It's borderline pornographic, mate.
50
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,199
I can't believe no-one's wanted
to shag you for 12 months.
51
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,719
It's a choice.
52
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,639
I don't want to be one of these sluts
who just sleeps with anyone -
53
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,359
no offence to you guys.
54
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,639
I know how you feel, I'm picky too.
Mmm.
55
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,279
If you want me to show you
how to pick up lads, I will.
56
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,279
It's a piece of piss.
Can I just say, I'm not desperate.
57
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,280
I might not seal the deal very often,
but flirting is my forte.
58
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,759
Is it? Famously.
59
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:10,159
OK, guys, we need up to
a thousand entries for the big draw.
60
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,919
And then we can all go home.
61
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,759
CAN we? Are you all right, Meg?
62
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,879
Big time.
Don't worry about me, hot stuff.
63
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,719
That's a nickname
that I have for you.
64
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,559
Let's just stick with Josh.
65
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,039
Anyway, as I was saying,
today is the big draw
66
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,839
so we need lots of entries in
to win the car.
67
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,999
So you're just asking people
if they want to enter.
68
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,839
Meg was actually wondering
69
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,639
if you wanted to enter HER...
70
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,039
for the big draw?
71
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,159
No, that's not allowed.
I can't enter Meg.
72
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,639
You can't enter Meg?
73
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,319
No, course not.
74
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,679
So you definitely don't want
to enter Meg?
75
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,799
Trust me, it's not worth it.
76
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,559
Er, if I find any of you cheating,
you'll find yourselves
77
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,959
working elsewhere.
78
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,719
Doesn't bear thinking about.
79
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,279
And you MUST wipe down these Biros.
80
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,039
You don't know what germs
the general public are harbouring -
81
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,359
swine flu, bird flu, mad cow,
82
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,039
AIDS... Malcolm,
you can't catch AIDS from a Biro.
83
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,479
Let's just keep things nice and tidy
round here.
84
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:02,999
YOU'RE tidy. Sorry?
85
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:07,000
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
86
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,759
Flirting is your forte.
87
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,199
OK, that wasn't my best work.
88
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,199
Maybe he's just not into
lanky weirdos.
89
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,439
You're aiming too high, Meg.
90
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,399
Come on, he's like a seven.
91
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,919
Exactly. You're a six - max.
92
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,799
You could be a seven, but you lose
points for being desperate.
93
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,039
What?!
Think of it this way, right.
94
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,719
Did Katie Price
go through a dry patch
95
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,999
then just snap up Peter Andre
like that?
96
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,079
No, she had to sift through
Dane Bowers
97
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,879
and Ace from Gladiators first.
98
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,399
Right...
Everyone does a dry run, Meg.
99
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,199
OK, well, a dry run does sound
a bit more fun than a dry patch.
100
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:42,200
What, so, I need to aim low -
like, what, a six?
101
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,199
Five?
102
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,479
Four? Really?
103
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,319
Seriously, mate,
the lower, the better.
104
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,799
I mean, I do see the logic.
105
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,799
Well, no time like the present.
106
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:51,879
Oh, come on, not here.
107
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,839
I'm dressed like a shit Kill Bill.
108
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,599
Meg, this is Leeds city centre,
109
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,600
this place is teeming with
low-hanging fruit. Get picking.
110
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,719
Target!
111
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,279
Target approaching!
112
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,239
Oh, my God, I know him -
he used to be in my halls at uni!
113
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,519
Who is he?
114
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,079
He's called Sweaty Tom.
115
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,519
Oh, God, course he is.
116
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,959
Oh, yeah, Meg,
that's perfect low-grade shit.
117
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,119
Easy.
118
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,959
Tom! Hi!
119
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,759
Oh, hey, Bunny!
120
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,119
What are YOU doing here?
121
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:47,279
I'm just visiting family
in Harrogate.
122
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,679
We just came up the M1,
but Mum accidentally came off early
123
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,239
so we went for a sandwich in Thirsk.
124
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,639
I just had ham. Oh, yeah, Meg,
that's definitely a five.
125
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,879
I was going to have cheese.
Look at that sweat.
126
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,799
Brilliant. And he's
talking about sandwich fillings.
127
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,919
He's perfect!
128
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,399
I'm going in. Quite nice.
129
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,559
Hi. You shouldn't have.
130
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,999
Actually, my auntie just died.
131
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,279
Yikes.
132
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,839
Sorry, Tom, this is my cousin,
Meg...
133
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,519
Pleased to meet me.
134
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,119
And that's Laura.
135
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:21,120
OK, so, hit me - what do you want
to talk to me about? Ask me anything.
136
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,519
Er...
137
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:23,999
You studied law, didn't you, Tom?
138
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,519
Law? You did law?
139
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,719
How's the law?
140
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,559
I don't know. I did Art.
141
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,799
Oh, Picasso. Chop me ear off.
142
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,279
Van Gogh.
143
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:33,839
So, Tom, what are you doing tonight?
144
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,079
What am I doing tonight?
145
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,879
Um, well, actually
my mate's DJing at a house party...
146
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,839
OK. Good.
Meg would like to come to that.
147
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,039
Really?
148
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,039
Right. OK.
149
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,639
You'd LOVE that, wouldn't you?
150
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,239
So text Bunny the address
and we'll meet you there at eight.
151
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,799
OK.
152
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,399
It's a date. Or is it?
153
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,239
Casual. Caj.
154
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,679
See you later, then.
155
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,439
Did you see me? Did you see me
punching below my weight?
156
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,440
You're right, it DOES feel good!
157
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,839
Could I possibly interest
you in a car...
158
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,279
Is it a man or a woman?
159
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,759
Man.
160
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,479
Um, Phillip Schofield. No.
161
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,439
Excuse me, sir, may I interest you
in our competition today?
162
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,279
Get fucked, princess.
Yep, will do.
163
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,599
Is it a politician? Yes.
164
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,119
I'm not playing, then.
165
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,120
Don't know who that is.
166
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,119
Laura, you've done loads,
I've only got one.
167
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,079
Just class at my job, so...
168
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,159
Watch and learn.
169
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,839
All right, do you want to win a car?
170
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,359
You'll have to speak up, love.
Car. Do you want it?
171
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,879
Yes! Please.
172
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,839
Fill this in, then. OK.
173
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,959
And don't forget your bank details.
174
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,159
What's she saying?
175
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,679
Bank details.
For the prize money, I expect!
176
00:07:58,680 --> 00:07:59,959
OK!
177
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,559
There isn't any prize money.
178
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,639
It's a ?6 entry charge,
and make sure you sign it.
179
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,199
Speak up, love.
180
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,639
Nothing. On your way.
181
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,640
Come back for the draw.
182
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:15,959
Easy.
183
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,960
This is not cricket.
184
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,239
Hi, can we get a menu, please?
185
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,439
Er, Meg, this is Hugh. What? What?
186
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,399
Hi, Meg. And that's Laura.
187
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,439
Hi.
188
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,440
So, Hugh, what do YOU do?
189
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,039
I'm retired.
190
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,040
It's more a case
of WHO do I do at the moment.
191
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,519
Let's order some food.
192
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,999
Oh, have whatever you like -
it's on me.
193
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,039
I've got some coupons to use up.
194
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,599
I'm not hungry any more.
195
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,159
Have you taken your tablet?
Oh, well remembered!
196
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,359
One before lunch!
197
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,559
Arthritis.
198
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,439
So, Meg, Bunny tells me
you have a date tonight.
199
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,559
Who's the lucky chap?
200
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,359
Well, he's called Sweaty Tom,
he's really dull.
201
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,079
He's only about a five,
he's basically ideal.
202
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,639
Meg's on a dry run.
203
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,879
It's just a temporary measure.
204
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,039
You know, filler.
205
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,719
So to speak. Hugh!
206
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,319
Sorry.
207
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,359
Gosh, I have to say, I'm learning.
208
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,399
I had no idea girls did that.
209
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,839
Yeah, they do.
210
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,840
And sometimes they don't even
realise when they're doing it.
211
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,399
It was like Help The Aged in there,
Bunny.
212
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,759
You don't understand.
213
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,719
He's kinky as fuck, he gets
all Fifty Shades in the bedroom.
214
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,679
Well, he's definitely very grey.
215
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,359
Look, I really love him,
he's my boyfriend.
216
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:50,519
BOYfriend?!
217
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,919
Pensionerfriend.
So I'm dating an older man...
218
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,839
OLD man. You're dating an old man.
219
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,159
He's not old!
220
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,679
He has a walking stick!
221
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,399
It's a staff, and you are ageist.
222
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,799
OK, ladies and gentlemen...
223
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,759
boys and girls,
without further ado - draw time!
224
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,479
Right! And the winner is...
225
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:13,159
Zara Debenhams.
226
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,799
Zara Debenhams?
227
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:20,759
Do we have a Zara Debenhams?
228
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,319
She must've gone home.
229
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,999
Can I still do the photo?
Oh, er...
230
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,639
Yeah. Yeah.
231
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,719
Northern Lights Magazine, this, Meg.
232
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,079
Take a picture of me
having my picture taken
233
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,479
so I can use it
as my profile picture.
234
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,480
Right, Professor Megan, that
gentleman over there is a doctor.
235
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,359
And, yes, you can catch AIDS
from a biro.
236
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:45,159
IF the biro was inserted
into the anus of an AIDS victim
237
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,399
and then inserted into the mouth
of a healthy person
238
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,679
who just happened to have
an open wound on the mouth,
239
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,359
such as a cold sore.
240
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,599
Case closed.
241
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,559
Meg, you're team leader, aren't you?
242
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,599
Yes, and I have the extra
?8 a month to prove it.
243
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,199
Great, we need you to take the car
to the winner's house.
244
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,999
You can take somebody with you.
Oh, right, I see.
245
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,799
Shall we? I need to stay here.
246
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,494
Yeah, I know.
247
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:23,192
This looks like one of those villages
people go to on their gap years.
248
00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:25,153
'You have reached
your destination.'
249
00:11:25,248 --> 00:11:26,447
God, what a dump.
250
00:11:26,448 --> 00:11:29,167
Laura, that's your mum's house.
251
00:11:29,168 --> 00:11:31,247
What? MY mum's?
252
00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:34,928
Oh, yeah! That's mad.
I didn't even realise.
253
00:11:34,941 --> 00:11:38,181
Laura, no. Tell me you didn't.
254
00:11:38,312 --> 00:11:40,071
Surprise!
255
00:11:40,072 --> 00:11:41,951
I did. I WON it! I won the car!
256
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:44,751
Oh, darling, that's wonderful!
Congratulations!
257
00:11:44,752 --> 00:11:48,511
Laura, no, this is fraud!
We'll go to prison! Oh, my God,
258
00:11:48,512 --> 00:11:50,231
I'm aiding and abetting fraud...
259
00:11:50,232 --> 00:11:53,031
Oh, don't be such a sore loser, Meg.
I won it.
260
00:11:53,032 --> 00:11:55,271
Let's go to the party in it.
Bunny, tell her.
261
00:11:55,272 --> 00:11:59,272
I SAID well done!
You cannot take this car.
262
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,391
Technically this is joyriding.
263
00:12:03,392 --> 00:12:06,951
Meg! I am NOT a criminal!
264
00:12:06,952 --> 00:12:10,272
Oh, look, there's Sweaty Tom!
265
00:12:11,312 --> 00:12:13,671
Ah, ya mum!
266
00:12:13,672 --> 00:12:15,911
Tom! Tom! TOM!
267
00:12:15,912 --> 00:12:18,191
Hi!
268
00:12:18,192 --> 00:12:20,871
Is this the car
from the shopping centre?
269
00:12:20,872 --> 00:12:24,872
No, you're dreaming, mate,
get off our backs about it.
270
00:12:25,232 --> 00:12:27,631
Whose party is this?
271
00:12:27,632 --> 00:12:31,632
Dunno,
my mate's the DJ - should be fine.
272
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,871
Is it fancy dress?
273
00:12:33,872 --> 00:12:35,431
No.
274
00:12:35,432 --> 00:12:38,392
Then why are all these people
dressed as children?
275
00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:46,532
Is that alcohol?
276
00:12:46,598 --> 00:12:49,117
Yes. This party's out of control!
277
00:12:49,118 --> 00:12:50,958
Is it?
278
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:54,442
Who even ARE you?
I can't believe randoms are here.
279
00:12:54,443 --> 00:12:56,202
It's OK, I'm with Tom.
280
00:12:56,203 --> 00:12:58,762
Who? The sweaty guy?
Yeah, I was at uni with him.
281
00:12:58,763 --> 00:13:02,082
Oh, my God,
that must mean you're, like, 21!
282
00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:04,122
No, actually, I'm 24.
283
00:13:04,123 --> 00:13:08,123
Wow, that's so creepy!
You're so old! I have to tweet that.
284
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:09,882
Well,
285
00:13:09,883 --> 00:13:12,442
you're a sad virgin, probably!
286
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:16,002
I'm 15. At least
I don't have a massive camel toe!
287
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:19,963
My mum shrunk them
when she did my washing for me!
288
00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:24,242
What the hell?
I'm looking for Bunny.
289
00:13:24,243 --> 00:13:28,243
Hello, you!
290
00:13:30,763 --> 00:13:34,763
I'm out of here.
291
00:13:35,603 --> 00:13:38,682
Do you mind,
you're kind of killing the vibe.
292
00:13:38,683 --> 00:13:41,082
This isn't a retirement home.
293
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,122
What is WRONG with people?
294
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,362
It's so ageist.
295
00:13:44,363 --> 00:13:47,122
Well, yes,
but I don't think it's just that.
296
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:49,082
I used to teach
some of this lot too.
297
00:13:49,083 --> 00:13:50,682
What do you mean, "too"?
298
00:13:50,683 --> 00:13:53,522
I was worried you hadn't realised.
299
00:13:53,523 --> 00:13:56,002
Hi, Roisin.
Bunny, don't you remember me?
300
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,202
No.
301
00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:58,522
I was your teacher.
302
00:13:58,523 --> 00:13:59,922
At Fordean?
303
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,922
At Dillard Junior.
304
00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:04,762
Ohhh, primary school?
305
00:14:04,763 --> 00:14:06,322
No wonder I don't remember!
306
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:07,682
Such a small world!
307
00:14:07,683 --> 00:14:09,522
So, you don't think it's weird?
308
00:14:09,523 --> 00:14:12,962
Um, no. Why? Is it weird?
309
00:14:12,963 --> 00:14:16,963
Not to me.
310
00:14:17,443 --> 00:14:20,762
You always were a naughty girl.
311
00:14:20,763 --> 00:14:22,402
OK.
312
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,202
I think it MIGHT be weird.
313
00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:27,642
I'm just going to go and check
with the girls.
314
00:14:27,643 --> 00:14:31,643
Back in a sec. See me at the end!
315
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,882
So... So...
316
00:14:34,883 --> 00:14:37,642
Here I am. Yeah.
317
00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:39,362
Here YOU are.
318
00:14:39,363 --> 00:14:43,363
Here we both are.
319
00:14:43,723 --> 00:14:45,522
Sorry, am I making you nervous?
320
00:14:45,523 --> 00:14:47,762
No, I always sweat like this.
321
00:14:47,763 --> 00:14:49,402
Cool.
322
00:14:49,403 --> 00:14:53,403
Look, I just want to say,
whatever you're thinking about us...
323
00:14:54,403 --> 00:14:56,322
Not to put too fine a point on it,
324
00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:58,362
but don't think that I wouldn't,
325
00:14:58,363 --> 00:15:02,202
you know, just because
of the whole 6-5 thing.
326
00:15:02,203 --> 00:15:05,362
I'm just going to get a drink.
327
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:08,322
You've got a full one here!
328
00:15:08,323 --> 00:15:12,323
Meg, I need a word.
329
00:15:15,163 --> 00:15:17,682
OK. So, if you were sleeping
with someone
330
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,002
and you thought you loved them
and then you found out
331
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:23,002
that they were your old primary
school teacher, what would you do?
332
00:15:23,003 --> 00:15:24,802
Oh, my God. Hugh?
333
00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:27,522
Mr Morris!
He's from Dillard Junior!
334
00:15:27,523 --> 00:15:30,042
I KNEW I recognised him.
I don't remember him.
335
00:15:30,043 --> 00:15:34,043
Well, you never turned up.
I was going to ask if it was creepy.
336
00:15:34,483 --> 00:15:36,122
Laura, what do you think?
337
00:15:36,123 --> 00:15:37,562
The beacon of morality.
338
00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:39,282
I feel physically sick.
339
00:15:39,283 --> 00:15:40,722
It's a bit Yewtree, mate.
340
00:15:40,723 --> 00:15:44,723
HUGH-tree.
341
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,242
So, what's the verdict?
342
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:53,562
Creepy. It's monumentally creepy.
343
00:15:53,563 --> 00:15:55,682
Why do people always say this?
344
00:15:55,683 --> 00:15:57,802
You sound just like the PTA!
345
00:15:57,803 --> 00:16:01,762
It is not creepy to take an interest
in young people, especially
346
00:16:01,763 --> 00:16:03,842
if the feeling is mutual.
347
00:16:03,843 --> 00:16:07,362
Hmm. I suppose it was creepy
that I chose to run netball club,
348
00:16:07,363 --> 00:16:10,682
like it was CREEPY
that I did a gym-knicker check.
349
00:16:10,683 --> 00:16:14,683
There is nothing creepy about having
your favourites,
350
00:16:14,923 --> 00:16:16,762
watching them ripen
351
00:16:16,763 --> 00:16:20,362
then contacting them online
once they're of legal age.
352
00:16:20,363 --> 00:16:22,722
Yeah.
353
00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:26,723
Can you leave now, Mr Morris?
354
00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:31,282
In't it illegal, though?
Should we report him to the police?
355
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:35,283
No, technically it's not illegal,
not like, say, stealing a car.
356
00:16:35,803 --> 00:16:38,082
Everyone nicks stuff from work, Meg,
and besides,
357
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:41,802
it's just a driving offence. Cars.
People don't nick cars from work.
358
00:16:41,803 --> 00:16:45,803
This is a criminal offence,
it's called grand theft auto.
359
00:16:46,683 --> 00:16:50,482
No, Meg, that's a computer game
in America, not real.
360
00:16:50,483 --> 00:16:53,882
Honestly, the most we'll get
is points on our licences.
361
00:16:53,883 --> 00:16:56,002
OUR licences? No.
362
00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:59,042
This is YOUR scam,
I'm not prepared to be an accessory
363
00:16:59,043 --> 00:17:00,842
to your crime, Laura -
364
00:17:00,843 --> 00:17:02,962
or should that be Zara Debenhams?
365
00:17:02,963 --> 00:17:05,042
Why are you being such a boner
about it?
366
00:17:05,043 --> 00:17:07,322
No offence,
but this is total Scambodia.
367
00:17:07,323 --> 00:17:11,323
Fine. I'll sort it out myself, then.
God, call yourself mates?
368
00:17:12,923 --> 00:17:14,722
Unbelievable. I know.
369
00:17:14,723 --> 00:17:17,562
Where's she going? I need a lift.
I need to shower, I feel dirty.
370
00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:21,482
Wait, don't go. Look, Tom
doesn't seem interested. At all.
371
00:17:21,483 --> 00:17:23,002
In any way.
372
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:24,882
But flirting's your forte?
373
00:17:24,883 --> 00:17:26,402
I must be rustier than I thought.
374
00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:27,962
You can't even pull a five?
375
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:31,042
Oh, Jesus, Meg,
I'm humiliated for you.
376
00:17:31,043 --> 00:17:33,842
OK, look, I need tips, a quick fix.
377
00:17:33,843 --> 00:17:35,402
What do I talk to him about?
378
00:17:35,403 --> 00:17:36,882
He's a bloke, Meg.
379
00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:38,802
PlayStation, football, lesbians.
380
00:17:38,803 --> 00:17:42,803
Just be cool.
381
00:17:44,843 --> 00:17:48,843
PlayStation, football...
382
00:17:50,643 --> 00:17:53,522
Right, back on the horse.
383
00:17:53,523 --> 00:17:57,082
Neigh!
384
00:17:57,083 --> 00:18:00,322
Oh... Hi! So, what were you doing
in there, then,
385
00:18:00,323 --> 00:18:03,603
just being fit?
386
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:08,882
Is that all up now?
387
00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:11,682
I mean, I do like
watching people puke, but...
388
00:18:11,683 --> 00:18:13,922
it's no... playing football.
389
00:18:13,923 --> 00:18:15,482
Do you know what I mean?
390
00:18:15,483 --> 00:18:18,122
You play football? Which position?
391
00:18:18,123 --> 00:18:21,202
Well, I think it's more
of a spectator sport, isn't it?
392
00:18:21,203 --> 00:18:23,882
Oh, right, yeah. Who do you support?
393
00:18:23,883 --> 00:18:26,442
Britain. When they're playing.
394
00:18:26,443 --> 00:18:29,043
That last match -
Rooney, you plonker!
395
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:35,003
But I prefer to unwind on, say,
the PlayStation. Oh, yeah?
396
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,642
Big-time gamer.
397
00:18:37,643 --> 00:18:40,522
I do play The Sims a lot. Do you want
to see my impression of a Sim? No.
398
00:18:40,523 --> 00:18:44,523
Me scurra na na!
Ey wersk lanana. Oh, my wersner!
399
00:18:45,043 --> 00:18:47,362
You fucking geek!
400
00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:49,682
I've got to go and do...
something else.
401
00:18:49,683 --> 00:18:51,402
Lesbians! Where?
402
00:18:51,403 --> 00:18:52,682
I was just remembering,
403
00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:56,122
because I've had
loads of girl-on-girl experiences.
404
00:18:56,123 --> 00:18:58,082
Really? Who with?
405
00:18:58,083 --> 00:19:01,282
Bunny. We do it all the time.
406
00:19:01,283 --> 00:19:03,963
I'm just constantly licking her out.
407
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:05,740
Aren't you two related?
408
00:19:05,741 --> 00:19:07,900
Just cousins.
409
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:11,901
Is that OK?
410
00:19:16,261 --> 00:19:18,020
Shall we...
411
00:19:18,021 --> 00:19:22,021
take it upstairs? Yeah.
412
00:19:41,141 --> 00:19:42,700
Sorry about this. It's just...
413
00:19:42,701 --> 00:19:44,740
my ex-boyfriend still lives here.
414
00:19:44,741 --> 00:19:46,660
I thought you said you were
a lesbian.
415
00:19:46,661 --> 00:19:48,500
I am... now.
416
00:19:48,501 --> 00:19:50,940
That could be why we broke up.
417
00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:53,340
So, that's why I live here,
in the loft.
418
00:19:53,341 --> 00:19:55,180
Like Anne Frank.
419
00:19:55,181 --> 00:19:59,181
A lesbian, famously.
420
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:05,420
Sorry, do you mind
if we don't tell anyone about this?
421
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,700
Why? Have you got a girlfriend?
422
00:20:07,701 --> 00:20:10,020
No, but it's just, you know,
no-one must know.
423
00:20:10,021 --> 00:20:12,980
Why? Well, I wouldn't want people
to find out.
424
00:20:12,981 --> 00:20:16,300
What?
But I'M punching below MY weight.
425
00:20:16,301 --> 00:20:17,820
OK, then.
426
00:20:17,821 --> 00:20:21,821
Er, excuse me, I AM because
I haven't had sex in 12 months
427
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,260
and you're just a sweaty horse.
428
00:20:24,261 --> 00:20:27,140
Right.
Is this a sexy role-play thing?
429
00:20:27,141 --> 00:20:29,260
Get out of my loft!
430
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,660
OK, going.
431
00:20:31,661 --> 00:20:33,660
Actually, my hands are kind of wet.
432
00:20:33,661 --> 00:20:35,940
Have you got a... towel?
433
00:20:35,941 --> 00:20:39,941
I'll see myself out, then.
434
00:21:07,461 --> 00:21:11,461
Hi, Mark.
435
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:20,540
Hi, Meg!
Hi, Mark. Have you been crying?
436
00:21:20,541 --> 00:21:24,140
No! Can I help you
with absolutely anything at all?
437
00:21:24,141 --> 00:21:28,141
You've got something stuck
to your cheek.
438
00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,740
Do you want to come in?
439
00:21:31,741 --> 00:21:33,621
No.
440
00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:42,300
Tell me you took the car back.
441
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:46,301
Not exactly.
442
00:21:46,381 --> 00:21:50,381
Here...
443
00:21:53,261 --> 00:21:57,261
Bernard! Bernard, look!
444
00:21:59,621 --> 00:22:03,621
Swiped some wine on the way out.
Naughty! Bottle opener?
445
00:22:04,021 --> 00:22:05,540
Mark's room, begsy not me.
446
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:09,220
I know how to open it
with a lighter.
447
00:22:09,221 --> 00:22:13,221
Oh, no, that's beer.
448
00:22:13,621 --> 00:22:17,621
Oh, you tit! Sink! Put the plug in!
449
00:22:17,701 --> 00:22:21,701
I THINK this is how the French do it.
450
00:22:22,301 --> 00:22:24,900
So, tell us about the dry run, Meg.
451
00:22:24,901 --> 00:22:26,660
Sweaty run.
452
00:22:26,661 --> 00:22:29,940
Oh, it was very sexy.
Bloody pair of animals we were.
453
00:22:29,941 --> 00:22:31,300
Nothing happened, did it? No.
454
00:22:31,301 --> 00:22:34,521
This is a new low.
Um, hang on, she stole a car.
455
00:22:34,565 --> 00:22:36,884
True.
That was not a great move.
456
00:22:36,885 --> 00:22:40,644
Sorry, from the girl who's been
shagging her primary school teacher?
457
00:22:40,645 --> 00:22:42,684
Yeah, let's take the piss
out of Meg again.
458
00:22:42,685 --> 00:22:44,804
I've just been rejected by a man
459
00:22:44,805 --> 00:22:47,284
whose face resembles
a water fountain.
460
00:22:47,285 --> 00:22:49,363
I think I've had the piss taken
out of me enough.
461
00:22:49,388 --> 00:23:17,440
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462
00:23:17,490 --> 00:23:22,040
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