All language subtitles for Doc Martin s01e03 Sht Happens.eng

(Caroline) Time marching on like a mad March
hare; we come to one of our weekly highlights.

And our guest today
on Portwenn Personality Playlist

is; of course; our very own new GP; Doc Martin.

Dr Ellingham.

What?

Oh; right.

Dr Ellingham; or Martin.

So; Doc.

You gave up your life in London
and a career as a top surgeon...

- A vascular specialist.
...to be our GP here in sleepy old Portwenn.

Yes.

(whispers) Just a little bit more.

Yes; Caroline.

What made you decide to do that?

Um...

I wanted to move.

What was your first impression of our village?

It's windy.

- (Caroline) And the people?
- (Martin) The people?

(Caroline) The people of Portwenn.

(Martin) What about them?

(Caroline) Well; the people of Portwenn
are a rich and diverse culture.

I bet you've been struck
by certain individuals.

(Martin) It's early days yet.

Ooh; lobster.
You splashing out?

Yeah. Bob gives me a good deal.

That's the wonderful thing about cancer -
people are terrified.

I get discounts wherever I go.

Lovely; Bob. Thanks.

(Caroline) Are you thrust into intimate
relationships with every patient?

(Martin) No.

No. No.

I was wondering - long term;
what are you going to do about money?

Oh; don't you worry.
I'll think of something.

Ah; bless you; mate.

How about your personal life?
Ever been married?

No.

- Engaged?
- No.

No trail of broken hearts in London?

No.

Not a radio natural.

Yeah; well; you know Portwenn.
It takes people a little time to settle in.

(Martin) Look; is this live?
I need to pee.

Some more than others.

Here's one of my personal favourites.

(pop music plays)

Do you think you could hurry up?

This record finishes in two minutes; 21 seconds.
I'm not putting out two in a row.

This is meant to be a talk show.

(pop music plays over radio)

Here; watch this; boy; because this is where you
always go wrong; if you don't mind my saying.

If I'm so bad at plumbing;
why don't you let me go and do my course?

Oh; how be; Doc?
Here; Doc; you're from London.

Tell young Bill Gates here
that computers is only just a fad.

- Dad.
- Computers are only just a fad. I need to pee.

- You could say it with more feeling.
- I really need to pee.

Sorry. Out of commission.
Try the cubicle.

Out of order.

Now; you're going to stop in the family business
until you've learnt a trade. That's the deal.

It's not unlike plumbing.
It's about fixing things.

I promised your mother; God rest her soul.

Promised her what?
You'd stop me having a career?

No; that I see you right.

- Sorry; Doc; no water.
- Oh; it's only a number one.

- If you don't wash; it don't count.
- I'll inform the medical community.

- Done it.
- Good boy.

And do you think you could give more
than single syllable answers?

Welcome back to
Portwenn Personality Playlist;

where my guest
is Portwenn's new doc; Doc Martin.

Doc; am I right in thinking that you spent
a summer or two in Portwenn as a young boy?

Yes.

I did.

With your aunt? Joan?

That's right.

Well; airing one's laundry
in public's not really my thing.

You don't say; Doc.

It strikes me you have a thousand locals who
seem to do nothing but talk about themselves.

Why don't you interview one of them?

- I'm going.
- Over my dead body.

I've got a place at college and I'm going.

You'll stay here where I can look after you.

- I don't need looking after.
- I promised your mother.

Mum. You always reel her out
when you're losing.

All right.
How are you going to pay for it?

- I'll think of something.
- Cos you won't get a penny from me.

Don't you understand? I don't want anything
from you. Especially not a life fixing toilets!

You ungrateful little tyke!

And you can shove it too!

- You all right; Jean? You look a bit pale.
- Do I?

I'm fine.
Just something I ate.

- You should go and see the doc.
- Did you hear him on the radio?

No; not really.
Just caught a bit of it down at the front.

- Very cagey about his love life.
- Really?

Very cagey about everything; really.
What did you see in him at interview?

Don't blame me.
Only one of my eyes was working.

Oh.

I thought you quite liked him.

He's fine.

- What are you after?
- My Martin...

Marking. My marking.

No; Greg. Just no.

- Black thong.
- Oh; God.

So that's Thursday;
quarter past 12; then. Thank you.

Perhaps one day we'll get to meet
the mysterious Greg.

You was rubbish on the radio.

Thank you. Have you sent
my appointments through to my machine?

No. This thing don't work.
Keeps saying I can't do what I wanna do; innit.

Elaine; I've shown you a hundred times.

Yeah; and it still don't work.
So I wrote 'em down.

Ricky Willow.

Yeah.

- Ricky; what's the problem?
- His bottom.

- It's the runs.
- I see.

I don't know why boys are funny
about their bottoms; do you?

- Diarrhoea. How long for?
- Two days.

Are you taking plenty of fluids?
Any fever or sickness?

No. It's just his bottom.

It might be something you ate
or a viral infection.

Could it be that he holds it in too long?

No. I'm going to write you a prescription for
rehydration salts. We'll give it a couple of days.

- Can I go back to work?
- He's a lifeguard at the leisure centre.

Make sure you're fully well before you go back.
Any problems; see me.

- Aren't you going to check his bottom?
- No. That won't be necessary.

Oh; but you'll be wanting to send this for testing.

I won't be needing the jar back.

Roger.

- How are you keeping?
- Good; thanks. Pretty good.

Enjoying the chemo?

Actually; I do have one complaint.

I thought all my hair was going to fall out.

I was looking forward
to saving money on haircuts.

Well; there aren't any rules with these things.
Have a seat.

Erm; speaking of rules;

I have a favour to ask.
Say no; obviously.

- Fire away.
- I've got someone looking into my case.

It seems I might be in line for
a bit of a payout.

- But I'd need a sick note.
- Uh-huh.

Let's have a look at that scar tissue; please.

That's coming on.

The argument would be that the school
made me redundant when they did

so that they wouldn't
have to pay me my pension.

Sorry; where does the sick note fit in?

If I can show that I was sick
at the time of my dismissal;

I might qualify for
retirement through ill health;

which; wonder of wonders;
is a pension that pays enough to live on.

Including the occasional haircut.

Sorry; I don't quite follow.

I think what they're saying is

that I should ask you
for a backdated sickness certificate.

I can't do that.

When did you lose your job?

September.

Well; I wasn't even here.
I was a surgeon in London then.

I can't do that.

I shouldn't ask.
I don't know what I was thinking.

- Neither do I.
- It's just...

I can give you a sick note dated from the first
time you came to see me; if that's any use.

Thanks.

They're sending me a whole bunch of forms.
I don't know.

Well; bring them in.
We'll have a look at them.

OK; guys. Well done.
Gold medals. Off you go.

- Thanks; sir.
- Thank you.

Louisa; come in.

So?

The chances are I'll have to disappoint you.
You know that; don't you?

- You haven't heard what I'm suggesting yet.
- I know; I know.

I'm just shooting first
and asking questions later.

You see; Elaine; my thinking was that if you've
got a greater understanding of these things;

then you might start to enjoy your computer.

And who knows?
You might even start to use it correctly.

Yeah.

I really gotta go.

Nearly there. See; the network
wasn't recognising the new memory I put in;

so by changing these little jumper switches here;

we make the network happy.

Check for stray swabs and stitch her up.
We're done.

Didn't take too long either.
It's not even eight yet.

Great.
Still got time to kill myself.

Hi.

Oh; God. Oh; God. Sorry.

It's OK; I've got lots of Prada.

- Designer clothes.
- Oh.

Of course; this isn't Prada.
It was a joke.

I see.

I thought I ought to apologise about that time
with Roger Fenn. I felt he needed looking after.

I suppose I felt guilty about his...
about the whole retirement thing.

- You were angry so you took it out on me?
- Well; excuse me.

- I thought that's what you were saying.
- Well; yes; I suppose it was.

- So it's not my fault?
- No.

- Oh; good.
- Yeah.

Oh; I...

- Well; I've just come from the pub.
- I was cleaning the car.

The pub does great food.

And drinks.

- Not a big beer drinker.
- Got a good selection of wines and whiskies.

Really?

Yeah.

Well; maybe we'll
bump into each other there one day.

See you.

I've got an idea.

- Why don't we go out for a drink one night?
- OK.

Wednesday at 7:30?

Did you know I wanted you to ask?

Yes; I did.

Hm.

Here; Doc. Doc.

- We're OK; right?
- Yeah. Good night.

Here; here; Doc.
Doc; here.

Sit. Sit down here.

When I said "shove it";

I didn't mean; you know; shove it.

It was the happiest day of my life
when I got; you know; "and son".

How can you fix a broken heart; eh?

- A lot of beer's a good start.
- Really?

No.

He's moved out; hasn't he?

You know; when I told my father that
I wasn't going to follow him into the Navy;

we didn't speak for three months.

Yeah; but now you're older;
you can understand his point; can't you?

I mean; that's what I was trying to say to Al.

No; we still don't speak; actually.

- So now you're taking Al's side?
- I'm not taking anyone's side.

Oh; so I was right in the first place.
You know what? You can shove it.

Yeah.

Well; get something from the chemist
and go to bed.

No; you can't see Doc Martin with bellyache.

Well; try a hot-water bottle.

Elaine; can I have a word; please? Now.

Er; look; I have to go.

- Now what?
- Elaine.

It is not your job to give
medical advice over the telephone.

It was bellyache.
That's not medical advice; that's common sense.

Can I please decide
who comes to my surgery?

- No.
- No?

If they have bellyache or diarrhoea;
I have 'em wait. If it's serious; I get 'em in.

- Thank you; I'm familiar with triage.
- Right; so I want an apology.

If it weren't for me; you'd have had
a dozen diarrhoeas since yesterday.

How many?

Dr Ellingham; I knew you'd come.

- Mrs Tishell.
- I've been waiting for you.

Good to hear. Why?

Well; it's customary for a new GP
to pay a courtesy call to his pharmacist.

- I'm sorry; I should have come sooner.
- I bought a cake. It's a bit stale now; though.

- I'm sorry. That was unprofessional of me.
- No. I'm sorry I assumed.

- Would you like a cup of tea?
- No time. I need some information.

Sorry. Down to business; of course.

Have you noticed
a demand for diarrhoea remedies?

Yes. In fact;
you could say there's been a run on them.

Sorry.

Over the last several days;
there's been perhaps 20 or 30 people.

- Yeah; I thought so.
- Oh; I should have informed you. I'm sorry.

I should have been more alert.
I am sorry.

Mrs Tishell; it isn't necessary for you
to apologise so often as you do.

- I'm s...
- Do you remember any names?

Yes; mostly locals.

- Could you give me a list?
- I could.

Now?

Judging by your recent prescriptions;
you seem to be aware

of reports of adrenal crisis
in inhaled corticosteroids.

There's cases of adrenal suppression
with excessive doses of fluticasone.

I noticed you've taken care
to ensure dosages below 400...

I try to remain current. I find I kill fewer patients.
If you could get the list.

Oh; it's so nice to talk to a doctor again.

- Dr Sim and I could chat for hours.
- Mrs Tishell.

When the quarterly MRHA bulletin comes out;
perhaps we could discuss it over a pot of tea?

- Just the list for now; please.
- I could make sandwiches. Do you eat tongue?

Mrs Tishell; please. Stop talking and write me a
list of all the people in this village with diarrhoea.

Yes.

Sorry.

- Are you Doc Martin?
- Dr Ellingham. Yes.

I'm worried about my Emily.
She has a tummy bug.

- I called; but the girl said you couldn't see her.
- I will as soon as I can. Can I take your name?

It's Braithwaite and she's Emily.

21 Playful Street.

Our Emily's never ill. She's as strong as an ox.
She swims for the county.

There's more chance of her
bouncing back quickly. I'll telephone you.

Thanks; Doctor.

Just one thing.
Does Emily swim at the leisure centre?

Oh; she lives at the leisure centre.

Thank you.

Mr Newton; it's very important
that you remain hydrated. Drink a lot.

Have you or your wife used the swimming pool
at the leisure centre in the last five days?

Uh-huh. Both of you?

Right.

All right; then. Bye-bye.

- Everything's fine. I'll show you.
- Evidence suggests that the pool is infected.

No. It's properly chlorinated and filtered.

My guess is it's Cryptosporidium parvum.

A number of my patients used your pool
recently; including your lifeguard.

I keep rigorous records.

Correctly tested; perfect pH levels;

exactly the right concentration of chlorine.

Congratulations.
This parasite is resistant to chlorine.

You need to close the pool;
shock treat it; change your filters.

What? Have you any idea?
Forget it.

This pool is a danger to public health.

Who do you think you are; coming in here
and telling me how to run my pool?

I think I'm a doctor with dozens of sick patients.

OK. Well; you've said your piece.
Now I'm asking you nicely to leave.

Right; attention; everyone.

Listen up.

Excuse me.

Children.

I've got something really important to tell you.

Shut up and listen!

My name is Dr Ellingham.

I'd like everyone to swim to the side
and get out of the pool immediately.

- No way.
- Yeah; you smell.

Sod off.

Smellingham; Smellingham.
Doctor; Doctor Smellingham.

Yes; that's hilariously funny;
but this is actually quite serious.

I'm telling you there
is something dangerous in the water.

Now; please; calmly swim to the edges
and climb out of the pool.

(boy) There it is. There! There!

(screaming)

That got 'em out.

Please; children; calm down.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the water.

Mrs Winter's in your upstairs bog.

- Couldn't wait.
- What's going on?

Diarrhoea.
Look; 14 now; 17 tomorrow.

Bring me the first patient's notes; will you?

Mm.

You need to take plenty of fluids and I'll write
you a prescription for some rehydration salts.

And when you're feeling better;
come and see me.

We can talk about treatments for your acne.

What acne?

Doesn't matter.

- You're like me.
- What?

I heard you on the radio.
You're like me.

- In what way?
- You don't say much.

I see.
When did you last use the pool?

- What pool?
- The leisure centre.

- Year nine.
- What? You don't swim?

- I don't get out much.
- Someone in your family; then?

No.

Have you been in contact with anyone
who used the pool at the leisure centre recently?

Out of the way.

Can I have your attention; please?

Has anyone not used the swimming pool
at the leisure centre recently

or been in contact with any swimmers there?

Right.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

(Caroline) Welcome back.
You are listening to Radio Portwenn.

And we have a surprise visitor in the studio;
our very own Doc Martin.

- Good afternoon.
- I gather he's got some health information.

And he'll be taking calls later in the show.

Couldn't stay away; eh; Doc?

Some of you may be aware there's a stomach
infection doing the rounds in the village.

Oh; yeah. One or two of my friends
have gone down with it. I hope I don't get it.

I thought I'd tracked down the source
to the pool at the leisure centre;

but that turns out not to be the culprit.

So for the time being; I'm advising you
to boil all local tap water before drinking it...

So we've got a mystery; then?

No; I don't think so. The culprit's quite clearly
Portwenn's own water supply.

- That's why I'm advising you to boil...
- OK; time for a commercial break.

- What do you think you're doing?
- What?

- You can't say that about the water.
- Why?

If you knew anything about this place; you'd
know we had a scare here three years ago.

I have a duty to these people.

- If the media gets this; Portwenn is finished.
- I'm doing my job.

Tell that to the families still on the dole after
the last balls-up. They'd love to do their jobs.

And we're back. Doc didn't mean to suggest
there was anything wrong with the water supply.

Yes; I did.
There is a possibility that the water supply...

- That's right. The water is just a possibility.
- No; no; no; no; no.

- I said there's a possibility that the water...
- We have a caller on line one.

Hi; you're on the air talking to Caroline.

Hi; Ed Johnson; Cornish Echo.

Could Dr Ellingham tell the listeners
and readers how serious this infected water is?

Are we talking hospitalisation?
Or fatalities? Or...

- Sorry.
- You should be; pissing in our water.

(horn blares)

That's us buggered; then.

(man) Tosser!

- You want some of this? It's very good for you.
- No. I can't stop.

Look; Marty. You do realise the villagers
are dusting off their pitchforks; don't you?

Yes. Exactly how many generations ago
did the inbreeding start with these people?

A few years ago; there was a scare
about aluminium in the water.

- I know.
- It was a false alarm; but the damage was done.

The national press had a field day.
Summer came; the tourists didn't.

I heard that;
but we are talking about public health.

If a few less cornets get sold down on the front;
then I'm very; very sorry.

The Nadlers lost their house.
Poor old Bob Pearson hanged himself.

I have to warn people. If I don't; the pitchfork
brigade will crucify me for that; won't they?

Probably.

When I'm proven right and the water's tested; do
you see them coming here to eat humble pie?

I don't think so.

Martin.

Tell me you had that water tested
before you went on the radio.

- Oh; Martin!
- Excuse me.

(door bell)

- I hear you don't like our water.
- It's been a long day.

Take two aspirin and insult me tomorrow.

Daphne du Maurier said
our water was worth a pound a pint.

- I'm sure she did.
- I never touch it. That sludge has all sorts in it.

- What?
- Mind if I come in? Thank you.

That water eats through pipes.
Imagine what it would do to your innards.

Well; it may have been premature
to question the supply; Bert.

The truth of the matter is; I'm having
further investigations carried out tomorrow.

But until we hear to the contrary;
it would be safe enough to assume that...

You out of your mind? You going Bodmin?
You want to play it safe.

That's what I do. Here.
This is what you need.

Fine French spring water.

- I appreciate that this is an opportunity for you...
- This is a proper job. Chateau Sainte Marie.

What I said on the radio was just an opinion.

But you were right.
People listen to you.

Since that plug on the radio;
my business has doubled.

Well; we need to have the water tested.

No; you don't need to test this stuff.

It's from an ancient spring
deep beneath the green hills of France.

No; better be safe than sorry.
Now; when you run out; just give us a call.

Free delivery. For you.

(Martin) You can test for cryptosporidium.
This is the North Cornwall Water Company.

We can; but we don't.

- This is a water treatment plant?
- The finest in northwest Cornwall.

And it's safe to assume
that you can actually do the test here?

- I suppose so.
- Then it's also safe to assume

that you are a self-important obstructive moron.

There are people in Portwenn
throwing up as we speak.

If that's everything;
I have important matters to obstruct.

OK; how are we going to sort this out?

We do have a rolling programme of tests.
If I were to try and squeeze this one in;

there would be a cost implication.

You mean an extra charge?

I'm not authorised to make any charge.

But you could make
a contribution to our Christmas fund.

(Louisa) Roger.

- Roger; how are you doing?
- Yeah; I'm OK.

I shouldn't tell you this cos it's not official;

but it looks like there's a half-time
music teaching post with your name on it.

Right.

But try not to get too excited.
We can't justify it on our own; as you know;

but it looks like
St Wilfrid's are coming in with us.

So I've taken the liberty; I hope you don't mind;
of putting after-school music on the club list.

- Demand is already very high.
- I can't.

Why not? Of course you can.
You should have been teaching music all along.

The parents are keen. John Dodsworth's mum
said she remembers you in your band.

I really appreciate it; Louisa.
I just can't do it.

Why?

There's a claim
for constructive dismissal going in.

There are people working very hard
to get me my pension.

I don't think they'd appreciate it if I suddenly
pulled the rug out from underneath them.

- But...
- And the fact is;

having been away from it for a few months...
it seems to me there's more to life than teaching.

Right.

I'm sorry.

Fine.

Fine. I've set the ball rolling now.

And I don't know what to do.

But... fine.

Thanks for coming at short notice;
Mr Johnson. This way.

Ed. I should thank you.

Sales of the Echo are very healthy;
even if the people of Portwenn are not.

Newborn lambs don't
shift newspapers the same way.

I want to set the record straight
about the water. Have a seat.

Dish.

This has been a huge misunderstanding.

I don't know for certain that there's
anything wrong with the tap water at all.

Well; hang on a minute. If the water's OK;
how come you're drinking mineral water?

I like it. I often drink it.
But I also drink the tap water.

It's good. It's safe.

It's lovely.

So for the time being; the tap water
is safe and I'd be grateful if you'd quo...

...quote me on that.
- What's with the U-turn?

You announced on the radio
that the water was contaminated.

Not in possession of all the facts.
Having tests done and that takes time.

So now you're saying what?
The tap water's fine?

Absolutely. Our good Cornish water
is still worth a pound a pint.

- What?
- Daphne du Maurier. Excuse me.

- You all right?
- Mm-hm. I'm fine.

You're not.
You've got the lurgy; haven't you?

So there is something wrong with the water.

- (Martin wretches)
- Can I quote you on that?

(door bell)

(toilet flushes)

I was just wondering if...

- I'll come back when you're feeling better.
- No; no. No; I'm fine.

- The forms have arrived.
- Yeah; right. Leave them with me.

Thanks; Martin.

I thought I'd drop this off personally.

No faecal coliforms detected.

- No coliforms of any kind.
- No contamination at all.

- It's not the tap water.
- It's good news for the village.

Back to square one.

Well; I'll be on my way; then.

- Are you having a stroke?
- Christmas fund?

Word to the wise; always take your fee
before you give your diagnosis.

(man) Bert!

Bert!

Bert!

So this is Chateau Sainte Marie; is it?

If you don't mind; it's private property.

What the bloody hell
do you think you're doing; Bert?

None of your business; now; is it?

And like I told you before; shove it.

Bert; this...
This whole operation's got to shut down now.

Look; this might not be French water;
but at least it's spring water.

- You're making everyone ill; Bert.
- Oh...

First; there was the leisure centre.

Then there was tap water.
Now it's me. Who's next?

I've had the mains water tested.
It's clean.

This is from my spring.
It don't get cleaner than that.

- Where is your spring?
- Up north field.

- Do you keep sheep there? Are they lambing?
- Aye.

Sheep during lambing -
a common source of cryptosporidium.

You have to collect all the water you've sold;
every single bottle; Bert; and stop.

- So I've given everyone the runs?
- Quick as a flash.

This is all for Al.

I always knew he was gonna fly the nest; but...

That's why I started this up.

To have something on the side.
Make a little nest egg for him.

- I thought you didn't want him to go.
- I don't.

The morning Al was born;
I had this vision; right?

Him and me; plumbers together.
That we would be something special.

Invent a new stopcock or something.

I don't want him to go.

But when the time comes;
I'll have to provide for him.

Ungrateful little tyke.

- Now what do you want?
- Drop dead; you dunderhead.

Dunderhead?
Is that the best you can do?

- Do you hear him? I can't speak to him like this.
- Bert!

What?

Your father has something he wants to tell you.

You must be freezing out here.
Would you like me to bring you a spare heater?

For God's sake. Your father wants to
apologise for being a mindless control freak

and he's fine about you going to college
and studying computers.

He didn't say that. Not him.

He said it to me and he meant it.

- If he means it; he should say it.
- All right.

To me.

I've been thinking;

if you want to do this computer stuff;
it's all right by me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Dad. Dad.

Get out of it.

- Dad; it's quite expensive; this college.
- Oh; don't worry about that.

Well; you're not selling that...

Oh; no. Like I told you;
I stopped that a long time ago.

Then how?

- Look; we'll sort it. Don't worry.
- How?

Look; there's another option. You can do night
classes. I hear they do 'em at Wadebridge.

- What? And do the plumbing in the day?
- It's just an idea.

Keep the coppers coming in while you study.

- Yeah; it's an idea.
- Here; Doc.

That other thing.
Consider it sorted.

Yeah. Erm...

Al; as you're good with computers; would you
mind having a look at the two in the surgery?

It's a problem with the network.
Whatever that is.

Yeah; Doc.

- Mind you; it'll cost you.
- Dad.

No way.

Greg; I'm not having that.

No.

- Yeah?
- Is Martin around?

On the radio. Which bit
of the word "no" do you not understand?

Have you any idea when he might be back?

I've no idea. Do you mind?

What?

Mr Fenn; he left this for you.

(Elaine laughs)

You gave me a D for attitude;
do you remember?

Mistake.

Greg. Yeah; all right. Yeah.

So; Doc. The crisis is over;

there are no new cases of stomach upset;
and our tap water has been officially vindicated.

You must be feeling a little red-faced.

Hardly. I...

Well; you were wrong.

With hindsight; yes.
But I stand by my decision. I...

- People might say foolish; even.
- Look...

And have you at least identified
the source of the infection?

No; I haven't.

People might say you almost put
this village out of business for nothing.

Yes; they might.

I'm sure we'll all come to our own conclusions as
to how well this has been handled.

- Thanks; Doc.
- Thanks; Caroline.

And now moving on
to this week's catchphrase competition.

This is totally messed up; Doc.

Oh; that's probably my fault.
I was having a look at it this morning.

Settings are wrong;
network configuration is a shambles.

Sounds like that might be expensive; Doc.
Network configuration stuff.

- It was fine last night.
- Well; I'm sure Al can fix it.

- I thought you fixed it that time.
- I'm sure Al can fix it.

Oh.

Al Large; who'd have guessed?

- What do you want; Elaine?
- Nothing.

Can you set this up
so I can get free music off the Net?

No. That's illegal.

- But for me.
- No.

- Al.
- OK.

Good.

I can sort it. But it'll take me a while.
I'll have to come back after lunch.

Ah; well; I can't afford
for the network to be down.

I wonder if we can arrange for you to do
some sort of monthly checkup. If you...

Well... yeah.

- Do you fancy direct debit or standing order?
- Dad.

- I'm sure we can work something out.
- I gotta put up with this lump every month?

What do you mean "lump"; eh?
Cheers; Doc.

Nice and quiet; please.
And that includes you; Lucy Holmes.

Well; welcome to music club.

So what I thought we'd do; this week;
at least; is some music appreciation.

Cos we all need to listen to music

before we can begin to play it. Ready?

But what about Mr Fenn?
Mr Fenn's meant to be teaching us.

- Isn't he?
- He's got cancer.

Well; we were hoping that Mr Fenn
would be here for music club

and to give us some music lessons;
but unfortunately he was unable to come.

So are you any good at music; then; Miss?

Well; you don't have
to be good at music to enjoy it.

Or to appreciate it.

But it helps if you want to teach it; though; eh?

- Right; everybody. Who wants to make music?
- (All) Me.

Great. Next week; I'm going to ask you all
to bring in an instrument of your own.

But this week; we're going to make do
with the ones we've all been blessed with.

Our voices.
So come on; form a nice circle round the piano.

- You can shoot off.
- What about the pension and the claim?

- Can you imagine me with a decent haircut?
- What?

- Well; can you?
- No; not really.

Neither could I. Right. Do you call this a circle?
For goodness sake.

Right. Who remembers this one?

("Never Ever" by All Saints)

- (girl) It's "Never Ever".
- (boy) Oh; yeah.

(children) I heard that this feeling
won't last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low

When you gonna take me
out of this black hole?

Never ever have I ever felt so sad

The way I'm feeling; yeah;
you've got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find

I had to dig away to find my own piece of mind

I never ever had my conscience to fight

The way I'm feeling; yeah; it just don't feel right

Never ever have I ever felt so low

When you gonna take me
out of this black hole?

Never ever have I ever felt so sad

- Am I late?
- No; no. I'm early. Shall we?

- Heard you on the radio.
- Oh; which time?

- Does it matter?
- Yeah. Some were more painful.

- Really?
- No. They were all awful.

- So what's the story with the water; then?
- Oh; it's over.

You can tell me. I know you were holding back.
The way you let Caroline lay into you.

- I made a mistake and I admitted it.
- Evening; Doc.

Carry on like this and it might even be safe
for me to admit I was on your interview panel.

I wouldn't break cover just yet if I was you.

Um... Drink?

Yes; I'll have... water; I think. Yes.

Shall I find us somewhere out there?

- Doc; hi.
- Mark.

I should come and see you some time.
Cos I'm still; you know; the old depression thing.

- Yep; well; any time. But not... Not...
- Thanks.

I think I know what it is.

It's a girlfriend thing.
I thought I was a basically unhappy person.

But now; I think I'm a basically happy person
who just doesn't have a girlfriend.

Oh; Louisa.

Actually; we couldn't just have
a little minute; could we? Bit delicate.

Thanks. I mean;
I do have girlfriends regularly; of course.

Not regularly; but it's not like it's once in a blue...
Well; it is once in a blue moon;

but I had this one once and...

she said I was too gentle.

I didn't know what to do with that.
Have you ever had that?

Too gentle?

No.

Well; it's a hard one.

I mean; they say too gentle;
but what do they mean by that?

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