All language subtitles for Alpha House s01e07 Prayer Brunch.eng

Hey, Robert, I forgot
my yoga mat upstairs.

- Mwah!
- I can get it for you.

Don't be silly,
I'II get it.

- What is going on?!
- Adriana!

Adriana, this is...
Well, this is embarrassing.

- My Spanish teacher.
- Sure, she is.

No, we were just working on
ordering scrambled eggs.

- Why are you not dead?
- Because it's not what it looks like.

What it looks like is two hot
chicks waving their arms around.

- What are they saying?
- I have no idea.

I'm listening for key words.

Wait, the ''Great Latino Hope''
doesn't speak Spanish?

Awkward, right? My parents
thought an accent would hold me back,

so no one spoke
Spanish at home.

I hear you
on that one, man.

My house was an
Ebonics-free zone.

- Strictly enforced.
- Really? That's amazing.

No ''Que pasas'' for me,
no ''Sup, dawgs?'' for you?

- How'd the hell did we survive?
- We became Republicans.

I can do it. I can do it,
I'm not helpless.

That's the spirit.

There you go, Half Windsor,
just the way you like it.

Louise, what did we agree
about spittle-pats?

OK, OK, elder cranky pants!

Oh, easy, easy, easy.

Hey, Louis, you don't
mind if I stash these suits up here, do you?

We got a herd of wild-ass
Christians assembling downstairs.

No Jews? Rose said
there'd be Jews.

I don't know, man,
I don't see creed.

- Hey, Julie.
- Senator.

You're boss was explaining
to me that you have a little bit

of a love deficit,
and I want you to know

- that I am on the case.
- No, no, no, please.

- No, senator...
- No, no need to thank me.

Huh? I'm already
bouncing around a few ideas.

- We'll taIk.
- Sir...

I told him you
weren't interested.

He wouldn't hear of it.

Julie, could you go warm
up the guests

and check their
names against the list?

Why, who'd crash
a prayer brunch?

You'd be surprised, senator.

Prayers become quite
competitive on the Hill.

- James.
- Ma'am?

Time to start tweeting.

Sir? That was out of line.

She'll thank me later.

Can I say it's being
hosted by a Democrat?

If you create context.

A tweet's only
140 characters.

One tweet for content,
one for context.

Yeah, of course.

- Senator Armiston, welcome!

- Senator Laffer will be so...
- Hey, you gonna help me set up.

- Set up? This isn't catered?
- Right, catered.

- Oh.
- Julie, would you check on the hot hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, I'm sorry, senator,
I'm just...

I'm a little bit busy.
Perhaps you could...

...ask someone
from your own staff.

I want you to start
on that side of the room.

Get a comment
about Senator Laffer

from each guest,
and be sure...

James, listen to me.

Be absolutely sure to disclose
you're tweeting what they say.

No spinning.
And for God's sake, no snark.

It's a prayer brunch.

Doesn't the phrase,
''prayer brunch'' sort of sound like snark?

Like a swipe at liberaIs?

Yeah, I suppose so.

But that's
Senator DuPeche's problem.

Nothing by drama ever since I
arrived. Speaking of which...

- Yeah?
- You'll be nice today, right?

- I'm always nice.
- I know, but it's mixed company.

If we can't put our dukes
down during a prayer circle, there's no hope.

- Hmm.
- We're just here for Louis.

Rozzy, I promise you, I will
not be the problem today.

Hey, Tess!

There's gonna be a problem?

Sir? You wanted to know

when Senator Armiston arrived?

Hey, Gil John,
what's up, big guy?

No, I can't,
Carly just got here,

I want to work her a little bit
before we get started.

I'll get Andy to do it.

Noproblemo.

Would you mind taking a few
beers out to Gil John?

Um, OK.

- Hey.
- Thanks, man.

- Want one?
- Sure. Why not?

- You're not coming in?
- No, I hate those things.

I always thought prayer
should be spontaneous.

- And private.
- Why, what do you pray for?

Buzzer-beaters,
parking spaces,

sex with check-out girls.

Nothing I'm proud of.

What's wrong with sex
with check-out girls?

The point is, a man should
be able to pray for something

whether it's a big-ticket
item like racial harmony

or something pissant,
like a good poker hand,

without people all up
in his grill, judging them.

Well, Gil, I don't think
prayer's just about asking for particular outcomes.

Sure as hell was
in my locker room.

You oughtta know
about that, man.

You threw footballs
for Florida State, right?

Funny you should
bring it up in that context.

The faithful at State
had a nickname for me.

- What was that, Andy?
- ''God.''

- God, huh?
- Yeah. I was pretty good.

Carly. A minute?

Robert! You've changed your mind
about being seen with me?

Yeah, it's a prayer meeting.
No problem. Listen, about the ethics committee hearing...

- Stop right there.
- I know, I know, I know.

But in the sanctity
of prayerful fellowship,

I am telling you,
it's a bum rap.

- We cannot talk about this.
- Carly, they are accusing me

of taking expensive suits.

Mohair suits. You could
go upstairs to my room.

You would no find
one hair of mo.

I'm sorry, Robert.

- I'm allergic to mohair.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if I may have your attention.

Your attention, please.

At this time,
it is my great privilege

to officially welcome
home my boss...

And my dear friend,
Louis Laffer.

Thank you.

Thank you, my friends.

Thank you.

Senator, if you could
just look at James.

It's for your Twitter feed.

Hi, twits.
It's an honor to be back.

Sir, the salute isn't
really appropriate

unless you've been
in the service, or you're president.

- Louis, let me show you where
you'll be sitting.

He already knows, senator,
we've worked that out.

Right here.

Now, don't go fussing over me.

All it takes is a
few deviled eggs,

an iced tea with two Splenda
to make me happy as a clam.

- James!
- Uh, right here.

The senator
needs some eggs.

And an iced tea.

Two Splendas.

Copy that, sir.

Where's Senator Biggs?
Haven't seen him.

He's out in his car,
watching the game.

He doesn't like
prayer meetings.

You have such
an interesting boss.

Trade him
for yours in a second.

Listen, you wanna
go upstairs?

We won't be missed.

- What's upstairs?
- Me, in about two minutes.

Door at
the end of the hall.

Oh, you looked
so hot down there.

- Eating waffles is hot?
- I'm a farm girl.

We spend a lot of time
watching guys eat.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Not here, not here.

Um...

- Seriously?
- It's like a cozy little tent in here.

- Just like camping.
- I don't like camping.

How do you know
until you've tried?

Bring a pillow.

So I've got this idea
for a bill.

- A bill? You?
- I know, unlikely.

But I gotta get some
points on the board.

You got no chance.
None.

You heard we're in
the minority, right?

Here's my idea:
a national holiday for veterans.

That's a great idea, Andy.

- So great we already have one.
- No, no, a new one.

To honor the veterans from
the global war on terror.

There's almost
three million of 'em.

You've also got your
first responders,

your NSA, your TSA,
all the spawn of 9-11,

that's a million more.

They deserve their own day.

''Global War on Terror
Veterans Day?''

GWoT-VD2. You get it?

Sounds like a sexually
transmitted disease.

That's funny, Gil.

But here's the genius part:

It's an unpaid holiday.

That's calling back a day
of pay from the entire federal workforce.

Our side will love it
because of the savings.

The Democrats will love it
because it's a holiday.

It's win-win... win.

- Who's the third win?
- Me.

And you.
If you co-sponsor.

- A holiday, huh?
- that cuts the budget.

You caught me in
my wheelhouse, man.

Well, they're
starting soon.

Hey, would you like me
to send you out a plate?

- I would, Andy, thank you.
- All right.

GWoT-VD2.

Well, hello, James.

Why aren't you at
the prayer circle?

I am. I'm live-tweeting it.

You don't look like
you're tweeting to me.

I'm on break. Social media takes
a lot of concentration.

-Oh, I imagine it does.
- Not that I'm complaining.

Of course not. You chose
a life of service.

I'm just... I'm just glad
that you're sharing your break with me.

I like sharing things with you.

I wish we could
share more, James.

- That would be a blessing.
- I know.

Sometimes, I...
No, never mind.

No, what?
What were you gonna say?

We??, I... Sometimes I
make GIFs of you.

Little loops from our chats,
so I cans see you talk to me whenever I want.

That's weird, isn't it?
I'll stop.

No, no, no, don't stop, James.
GIFs are a gift.

It means I can be with you
even when you're far away.

Let's... Let's make
a new GIF together.

Would you like that, James?

Um... Very much, Lola.

Um, but this is an
office laptop. Let me put in my thumb drive.

Come to me, beloved.
Feed among my lilies.

Are you recording?

Hey. Do I detect
my wife's handiwork?

Maybe you do,
maybe you don't.

I think I do.

You... made coasters.

Well, it's your big
day and I wanted to pitch in.

Brothers and sisters in prayer,

if you would all join us
here in the living room,

- we can get started.
- Everyone, your names are on your seats.

Ignore them. There's
no assigned seating.

OK, we'll see
how that works out.

- Louis,
- Paul, so glad to see you.

Sorry, Paul,
you're in my seat.

- I thought you said...
- Paul, I'm not in the mood.

This side is for the cool kids,
Paul. You're over there.

Hi.

Let's get started.
Chaplain, Teeter.

Let us pray.

Settle down, caterers.

Thank you.

That's for after.

Should've thought of that
before you opened the bar.

We are gathered here today
in profound gratitude

for Louis's safe return home.

Although he sustained a most
grievous wound while serving his country abroad...

Please, chaplain.
I'm no hero.

In your mercy, you have restored
him to his family and friends.

And for that,
we offer thanks.

So now we ask you
to hear our prayers

that we humbly
offer here today

- Amen.
- [all] Amen.

Very nice, chaplain.

Louise, would you like
to start us off?

Oh, no, thank you, Rosalyn.

It's OK, honey,
you can go first.

- It's not like at home.
- You sure?

OK...

Dear, Lord, all of us
in the Laffer family,

Lola and Lorna and Lori and I,

are so glad to have
our little giant home.

Take care, God. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

[all] Amen.

- Paul.
- Rosalyn.

I, too, appreciate brother
Louis's sacrifices,

but the god that I pray to

demands nothing less
in his service.

Even as we throw him
out of our public life,

out of our schools,
out of our hospitals,

where we slaughter unborn
children by the millions...

- This is a brunch.
- Ripping them from the wombs

- of fallen women...
- Are you kidding me?

- ...we beg your mercy...
- Chaplain, I would like a chance to respond to this!

- I can't just...
- ...on these pitiful souls!

Through Jesus Christ,
our Lord.

- Amen.

[all] Amen.

Lemar, how about
a musical interlude?

I thought you'd
never ask, Rosalyn.

Louis, your tribuIations at
the hands of Satan's host

lend a special resonance
to this long-time favorite.

Enjoy.

- Where you going?
- Don't worry, I'll be right back.

Make it quick.
You're on in two minutes.

- Not according to the program.
- That's Julie's schedule.

- That's not the official one.
- I'll be right back.

Everybody, you know this part.
Sing along.

[all singing]
* Onward, Christian soldiers

Hey.

Anyone speaking in tongues yet?

Worse.

Louder, Carly.

OK, that was great, Lemar.
That was beautiful.

- Ha!
- [Lemar] Look at that.

Is that some sort of app?

- Fuck me.
- Hi, Gil John.

- Thanks for joining us.
- Don't you go away, Gil John.

I've also got a song for
the other side of the aisle.

Rosalyn, Carly,
this one's for you.

- Oh.
- It's about inclusiveness. Enjoy.

- Oh, my God.
-* He's got the whole world in his hands *

Everybody, clap hands!

Andy, find Robert,
he's on in two minutes.

Right.

- Gotta go, buddy.
- Oh, thank God.

Robert?

...your lamb
in my pasture, James!

-Oh, bring it home!

Really?

How do you like
camping now, city boy?

I love it!
I love camping!

- Robert?
- I'm in here, Andy.

What the fuck, man?
You're supposed to be in the circle.

I know, I'm just...
taking the edge off.

Rosalyn always gets me
all jacked up.

Great, you're about to lead a
prayer and you're totally baked.

Andy, let me just explain
my personal philosophy to you, all right?

If the good Lord did not
want me to be stoned,

I wouIdn't be stoned.
Or some shit like that.

Yeah, I mean, maybe that's
not a formal philosophy,

at least not one
that can be taught.

I'll just tell them
that you're drunk.

And that you're
throwing up.

That, they can handle.

Hell, no man, I'm gonna
say the goddamn prayer!

What?

Did I just say something?

Man, this shit is
out ahead of me.

Come on.

Where is he?

He'll be here.
He's my best friend.

You're kidding.

Freedom!

I kid. Actually, my people
have made great strides.

Anyone know
why I'm down here?

- You're leading us in prayer.
- Freakin' right!

People say you're slow. Hah!

Rosalyn, is it just me
or are you kicking out

some crazy sexual
energy right now?

How drunk must you
be to ask that?

Well, to quote Churchill...

...you'd have to remember
what Churchill said.

A toast! A toast
to my dear friend, Louis.

Prayer!

Prayer!

We are...
We are gathered here today,

dear Lord, to witness and to
give thanks for thy servant...

...thy...

Who said, ''thy, thus, thou,''
Rosalyn?

As the gentleman from
Pennsylvania is clearly indisposed,

I wonder if he might yield
to me the remainder of his time?

- He willeth.
- Thank you.

Mmm, these are good. I'm hungry.

Hey, garcon, can I get some more
of these joints here, please?

You know,

whenever I listen to Republicans
offer up prayers,

I'm struck by a
profound disconnect,

a disconnect between
what you profess you feel

for an impoverished,
unemployed Jewish carpenter

and how you treat people
who are just like him.

Who do you bet leaves first?
My money's on Paul.

What if
Jesus were alive today?

Would you cut his
unemployment benefits?

What about his food stamps?

Would you insist
that he got a photo ID

in order to be allowed to vote?

Would you tap his phone?

Would you pass his sandals
through the x-ray machine?

Racially profile him based on
his Middle Eastern appearance?

Why doesn't she just fart?
It'd be a lot quicker.

...stop and frisk him?
''Legally'' shoot him,

if he raised his hand,
as Jesus did, in the temple?

Carly, this is a...

- ...non-partisan brunch.
- Louis,

do you really think that
Jesus was non-partisan?

Jesus was a liberal!

Jesus belongs to our side, Paul.

The New Testament is ours.

You want the Old Testament God?

The bloody, vengeful,
pissed-off old man?

You can have him.
But the loving God,

the one who sacrificed
his only son for our sins?

He's ours, baby!

You hear me?
He's ours!

You can't have 'em both.
Doesn't work that way.

- Amen!
- And scene! Hah!

- You promised.
- Worst prayer ever.

Well, maybe not
technically a prayer,

but who amongst us
was not entertained?

Hmm?

Christians: zero,
lion: four.

Lion! Lion!
Come on! Lion!

Lion, lion, li...

How'd it go, buddy?

Things got a bit off track,
Gil John.

- Carly...
- Say no more, Louise.

If I had a dollar for
every time Carly Armiston

got her panty hose in a twist,

I could load up my 401k
and retire.

You OK, buddy?

Louis is fine, Gil John.

He's just gone to the special
place he goes to

when he's disappointed and
confused by God's plan for him.

he's not rebuking us
with his silence.

I think if he were able
to speak right now,

Louis might say something like,

''Be not troubled, friends,
for I'm at peace.

Though the road to salvation
may be rocky,

the way is lit
by His saving grace.''

Fucking Carly!

Mr. President, I rise today
to introduce SR647,

"The Global War on Terror
Veteran's Day Two Act,"

also known as, ''GWoT-VD2.''

''Why another Veteran's Day?''
you may ask.

What a shameful question.

An insuIt to a whole generation
of 9-11 public servants,

five million strong,
both in uniform and out,

squeezed into a single,
threadbare Veterans Day?

Under-honored, under-revered,

all but forgotten.

Let us now come together
and build these heroes

the unpaid holiday
they truly deserve: GWoT-VD2.

I yield the remainder of
my time in the memory of their sacrifice.

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