All language subtitles for Alpha House s01e01 Pilot.eng

Hey, Vern.

Vernon!

Were you by any chance scheduled
to turn yourself in

at the D.O.J. this morning?

Fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

No!

God! God!

Goddamn it!

All right, let's go.
We're going live in five.

Oh, my fucking life!

Goddamn it!

Why, motherfucker?
Why, motherfucker?

Okay, so that's just
piss-poor staff work.

Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck!

Take your time.

I'll make some coffee
for everyone.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Fuck me, Frances!

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Buster, down!

Down!

Jesus, Gil John,
can you control your damn dog?

Buster.
Come here, boy.

Keyshawn, go around the back.

The basement's unlocked.

I swear to God, Gil John,
that dog is racist.

How can he be racist?
He doesn't bark at Robert.

He's a good boy, yes.

- See?
- What a good boy.

Nothing but love
in his heart for the black man.

It's gays he hates.

Just kidding, Louis.

Me? Why me?

Why didn't you say that
to Robert?

Robert hates gays too.
Don't you read?

All blacks do,
so he wasn't offended.

I'm not offended, either.

I'm a prominent critic of the
homosexual agenda, for Christ sake.

Isn't that homophob shit
on the wrong side of history?

Where are we on that?

Sounds pretty last election
cycle to me there, Louis.

I'd check.

- You going to the caucus?
- I got a car out front.

Excellent.

Is that Vernon's tie?

Yes, it is.
He won't miss it in prison.

Who the hell steals a tie
with Grease stains on it?

- What else did you acquire?
- Who cares?

Vern isn't as tight-assed
about his shit as you are.

By the way, who we getting
to replace him as a roommate?

No idea.
Louis' house, his call.

You around this weekend?

Not sure.

Maddie keeps screaming at me
to come home.

She thinks
I'm a lazy-ass fuck

who's out to ruin her life
by losing the race.

Well, it is a little unusual
that you don't campaign.

Why should I?

I'm being primaried by a guy who's had
two mini-strokes since he announced.

Who's gonna vote
for a walking time bomb?

Besides, everybody in the state
knows my record:

2 undefeated seasons,

11 conference titles,

2 national championships.

Yeah, that does speak
for itself.

Okay, folks, so here is the
takeaway on Afghanistan

from the party's perspective.

With Obama's
fade to black policy,

the best the United States
can do is not lose the war.

But if our troops stay all in
for as long as it takes,

there's a chance
of actually winning this sucker.

Well, we're the G.O.P.

Winning is what we do.

That's what we did in the first Gulf War.
Not losing doesn't work for us.

Not losing is a democrat thing.

So that's what the trip
is about, senators.

You go to Kabul,

you stand with our troops,
and you say loud and clear,

"we can do better
than not losing."

- Are you getting all this down?
- Yes, sir.

- Why?
- Any questions?

Whoever put that on my schedule
is about to have a bad day.

What a waste of time.

Do I look like somebody prepared
to fly to fucking Kabul

for the goddamn
national committee?

You do not.

You look like someone prepared to
fly to Philly for the world series.

You get me, Robert.
I'll give you that.

It's my wife.
What, Maddie?

You're going with the delegation
to Afghanistan, right, G.J.?

Why would I do that, Maddie?

Because a full brigade of North Carolina
guard rotated over there last week!

So what?
They know I support 'em.

- I'll make a video...
- Gil John!

Everything's changed.

Changed?
How changed?

Taylor had another stroke
last night.

He withdrew from the race.

What?

That's... that's good!

Well, not for him, obviously.

Well, shit, Maddie, that's
an outstandin' development.

Nuhuh, honey bear. Guess who
just announced he's running now.

- Who?
- Digger Mancusi.

Huh?

You're in
a real race now, darlin'.

You can't just sit in your little man
cave anymore, waiting to be re-elected.

Goddamn son of a bitch!

That's an iPhone.
Who smashes an iPhone?

He's got a new opponent.
Digger Mancusi.

Digger Mancusi?
The Duke basketball coach?

We're fucked, sir.

Senator Laffer, on behalf of
the council for normal marriage

and all the born
and unborn children conceived

within normal marriages,

it is my privilege to present you with
our 2012 "Say No to Sodomy" Award!

My...

"Say Bo"...

"to Sodomy".

Thank you, Simon. I'm deeply honored
to receive this... this recognition.

But I am not the only one
saying no to unnatural unions.

There are millions
of normally married Americans...

The men married to the women...

Who are also repulsed

when they think
about two men together

or two women together...

Though maybe not as much.

So hats off to the council
for normal marriage

and the important work
they're doing

to prevent not
just state-sanctioned sodomy,

but also mutual masturbation,

frictation,

and barebacking

across this great land of ours.

- Hey.
- Hey, Louis.

How'd it go?
- Great, I think.

- What's "T.M.I." mean?
- It means you overshared.

We're going to lunch.
Care to join?

You can bring your friend.

- Afghanistan?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you serious?
Why?

I support the troops.

His wife's making him.
It's more of a campaign swing.

- But you don't campaign.
- He does now.

Taylor dropped out.
He's got a new opponent.

Who?

Digger Mancusi.

Digger Mancusi,
the Duke basketball coach?

How the hell do you know
who digger Mancusi is?

My nephew goes to Duke.

He's like a God
in North Carolina, right?

Right.

Well, I mean, you're a God too,
Gil, but you're like a retired God.

He's... active.

Holy cow, you're fucked.

Thank you, Louis.

Sorry.

Afghanistan.

Good play.

Very senatorial.

Digger can't do that.

He sure can't.

- You going too?
- I'm thinking about it.

You should too, Louis.

Me? Why?

Well, it wouldn't hurt for you to pose
with some spec ops guys in wraparounds.

What do you mean by that?

I gotta go.
Late for a meeting.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, Louis, would you mind
getting the check?

We'll settle with you later.

And on Capitol Hill tonight,
senate Republicans opposing

the clean energy and security act
have begun a rare talking filibuster

that's expected to last
at least through the weekend.

Sources close to senate
minority leader Mitch McConnell

confirm that
all 45 G.O.P. members

are likely to participate
in the marathon effort

to prevent the bill from reaching
a full vote on the floor.

Mr. President, the American people
know junk science when they see it.

A few polar bears
who can't hack the swim

back to their ice packs
does not constitute proof

that man-made CO2 causes
global warming.

In fact, that's just
natural selection in action.

Do you think every one of God's
creations made it on to the ark?

Hell, no.

There are a lot of sharp elbows
out there.

Wow.

So this is a talking filibuster.

You see this coming, boss?
- Yup.

I just hope to God
this is a one-off.

What we need is good jobs, and
that comes from fossil fuels.

- What time am I on?
- 3:45 A.M.

Do I have a speech?

Not unless you want one.

No one's gonna hear it.

I can get Andrea
to knock something out.

Eh!

What about this:

you got the private contractor
fundraiser tomorrow.

You could get something nice
about them on to the record.

Beats smearing polar bears.

Why don't you rough up
some bullet points?

This is the apocalypse.

You watching this?

I thought we adjourned.
What's that old gasbag doing?

Same thing you're gonna
be doing in a couple hours...

filibustering
the clean energy bill.

The fuck I am.

Am I?

Fuck.
I am.

I just called to remind you, in case you
were getting liquored up for the evening.

Well, that's what
normal people do, Robert.

Not everybody's got
season tickets to the opera.

Tammy, get some coffee
in him, huh?

I'll try, senator.

Both of y'all can kiss my ass.

Mr. President,
when I was in school,

they didn't even teach
climate change.

We didn't need it then,
and we don't need it now.

Since when is the senate cloakroom
being used for hookups?

I think it's the cots,
the novelty of it.

Whatever happened to dignity
and privacy?

I miss old Washington.

People fucked in broom closets.

Would the distinguished gentleman
from Seville take five?

He will, sir. He yields to his colleague
following a great state of fatigue,

which has overcome him.

I commend the gentleman for his
bold, fearless, and decisive march

to the top of his range.

He reminds me of our troops...

Hooah!

As well as our brave
private security contractors,

particularly those
from carthage security systems,

triple canopy, 3-D global
solutions, and other members

of the southeast Asia
private security association.

Ladies and gentlemen,
these are our real heroes.

Raphael Edward Cruz.

Jeffry Lane Flake.

Christopher Scott Murphy.

Joseph Simon Donnelly, Sr.

Who the hell are these people?

- What?
- Must be Afghan war dead.

Wish I'd have thought of that.

Those are the names of new freshmen
senators, there, Gil John.

Elizabeth Ann Warren.

- Are you sure?
- Andrew Ramos Guzman.

Andy Guzman.
There's an idea.

- What?
- Andy, for the house.

Should've thought of that.

Ever since his marriage blew up,
he's been sleeping in his office.

- You like him, right?
- Not particularly.

I'll run it by Louis.

- Got your speech ready?
- I don't know.

Somethin' lame Tammy worked up.

Well, why don't you reuse mine?

The private contractors
will love you.

Hey, thanks.

Have you seen Andy Guzman
this morning?

Nope, but I believe you have
in the cloakroom.

That was him?

According to, well, pretty
much everybody in the building.

Good source.

Hey, Andy,
you got a minute there?

Hey, Robert,
what do you think I should read,

the bill of rights or emails
from my ex-wife's boyfriend?

You've probably got time
for both.

Listen, are you still looking
for a place to live?

I am, I am.
Why?

Well, 'cause Louis and Gil John
and I are looking for a roommate,

and you seem like someone
who could really use a room.

You got that right.

It's hard to have a date.

Yeah, I know.
I heard you dating this morning.

Woke me up, in fact.

Oh.
Sorry.

That's just between
the three of us, right?

Too late.
It's high school.

So what do you think?

It's possible.

I'd have to check out the house.

It's not a dump, is it?

Are you kidding me?
It's Louis' place.

We have to use coasters.

Why don't you come by
and take a look?

I should be leaving
the office around 6:30.

Yeah, that works for me. I have a
fundraiser, but I'll leave early.

I'll swing by and pick you up.

Man, I'm getting too old
for this.

- Filibusters?
- No, man.

Sex against the wall.

All right.

So if we're going to commit on
the Afghanistan trip,

I'll coordinate the schedule
with the R.N.C.

But do we want to run this
by the campaign first?

No.
We're definitely committing.

Do we have dates?

- The 21st through the 24th, Mrs. Biggs.
- Wait a minute. The 21st is...

That'll work for us. The straw
poll isn't until the 26th.

Straw poll?
What straw poll?

Now, remember, a big group is
not acceptable to us.

The senator has gotta be
in every shot.

Too many vips,
it cuts down on his exposure.

Yes, ma'am.
We'll be clear on that point.

It's gonna be tricky, G.J. You
got to hit all the fear buttons

without looking afraid yourself,
like you're there personally

staring down Al Qaeda
for America.

Do you understand?

Gil John?

Well, I happen to enjoy hunting

ever since my grandfather
took me out

when I was seven years old to
track a pack of timber wolves

who were preying on our cattle.

I told that story
to Louis once,

and his eyes got all wide
and he said,

"You hunted wolves?

Wasn't that dangerous?"

And I said, "Yeah,
for the wolves."

But, you know, Louis is great.

Different backgrounds,
that's all.

You get the general picture,
senator.

Hickok is trying to paint you
as unwestern, unmanly, limp.

Yeah, I picked up
on that, Julie.

And the numbers are showing
that he's getting some traction.

And so what am I
supposed to do?

Switch to low rises?

Wear Doc Martens 1460s
on the senate floor?

Sir, we think
we need to consider

a more aggressive communications
package with this campaign.

Sir, I just fielded
an invitation for you

from the Colbert Report, which
is an amazing opportunity...

Wait a minute.
No politician does Colbert.

You got no control. He makes
you look like a horse's ass.

Yes, sir.

You gotta be pretty ballsy
to take him on.

Which is your point.

Well...

Louis, you got a minute?
It's important.

Clear.

What's important?

It's not important.
I just don't like to wait.

What do you think
of Andy Guzman?

Guzman?
He's okay, I guess.

I worked with him
on a couple reconciliations.

Bit of a showboat.
Why?

He's looking for a place
to stay, like, right away.

He just got elected, so you don't
have to worry about turnover.

You got another quarter?

So what do you say?

I guess it'd be all right.

Great, because
he's coming by tonight.

I didn't know
these things paid out.

Neither did I.

I'll see you back at the house.

My lucky day.

Fuck.

Not my lucky day.

Melkin convened the grand jury.

Okay, the indictment's
not a foregone conclusion,

and even if they do hand down,
we're a long way from trial.

At this point, I'm more worried
about the ethics committee.

These are
closed sessions, though, right?

Yeah, but you can expect the Democratic
staffers to leak like crazy.

We're going
into an election year...

Oh, really?

Imagine that!

Melkin comes up empty for three
years and now he wants to indict?

Take your nickel back.

All right, all right.

We need to change the subject
if they do indict, okay?

Get me on that Afghan codel.

You want to leave the country?

Well, what?
You got a better idea?

Not leaving the country?

Get those, would you?

Okay, so one more reason why you
should make the trip to Afghanistan?

I wasn't aware of even one.

The interview with that guy
running against you, Hickok.

How did you see that?
It was local.

Christ, Louis,
nothing's local anymore.

- Even I know that.
It went virile... YouTube. - Shit.

Point is, if you're holdin'
pressers in front in Kandahar,

Hickok can hardly call you out
for being a faggot.

He wasn't calling me a faggot.

He sure as hell wasn't callin'
you Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- Schwarzenegger's a faggot.
- What are you talking about?

Like 20 women have accused him
of sexual assault.

Never proven.

Look, Louis,
you need to go, man.

Get yourself photographed holdin'
a saw or an M2 or somethin'.

What are they?

Light arms.

Right.

You've never handled a gun
in your life, have you?

Ready when you are, amigo.

Thought you quit.

Yeah, me too.

I know what this looks like.

And who would that be?

Like I'm bringing my mistress
to check out my new crib.

But the truth is, we just met.

Although I've been backing him
for years.

Yes, and I've been fronting
for her.

And who knew?

Who knew what?

That she was so much more than
an illegible signature on a check.

Oh, and it gets better.

She's setting up
a super pac for me.

- Shh!
- Oh, yes, shh!

We can't coordinate.

Forget I mentioned that.

- Adriana de Portago.
- Robert Bettencourt.

From Pennsylvania, right?
Senior senator?

Very senior.
Eighth in seniority, in fact.

Unlike Andy, who's 97th.

Oh, well, a girl has
to start somewhere.

Es perfecto!

Es perfecto!

Wait, wait.
Don't get started without me.

Oh, okay, but no coordinating.

Hey, this is more like it.

I am senator Andrew Guzman,

and I approve of this room.

So official.

Actually, Andy, on account of my
seniority, I'll be moving upstairs here.

And I'm Adriana de Portago,
and I approve of that and... Oh!

And I approve of that and a little
bit lower. A little bit lower.

Hey, hey, hey, you'll be bunking
downstairs with Gil John.

I don't think so, man.

That doesn't work for me.

How could you miss that?

How could you fucking
miss that?

Give me a break.
I'm shit-faced.

Jesus, Gil John!

It's only 20 feet away,
for Christ sake!

Ah!

Fuck me.

Must be the sightin'.

I'm going to bed.

I have to do an interview
in the morning.

Who are you?

Adriana de Portago.

From Miami?

You gave me money once.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Andy.
- Louis.

You joining us?

If I can have
the upstairs room.

- No problem.
- Well, now, just wait...

Ah!
It's my house.

Thanks again for your support.

Anytime.

- Now, Louis, listen to me...
- He's cute.

Oh, for Christ sake.

Now, you're up
for re-election soon.

Can we talk about
your primary opponent Al Hickok?

- Certainly.
- Al's a friend?

- I've known Al for years.
- So have I.

Now, that is a man's man, right?

He's... that's the take on him,
that he is just all man.

The name right there:
Al Hickok!

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

How are you gonna fight that?

Well, Al is blessed with a
tall frame and thick hair.

Yeah, it's like Ronald Reagan
and Arnold Schwarzenegger

had a baby that then renounced
his two gay parents.

Did you... did you ever play
any sports?

A little bit... tennis.
Early on.

- Tennis, that's good.
- But I... wrestling.

I did a bit of wrestling
in my day.

- I wrestled too.
- Is that right?

Yeah, I wrestled a little bit
in high school.

Ready?

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