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1
00:00:04,225 --> 00:00:06,758
Hey! You didn't whisper in my ear
and kiss me to wake me up
2
00:00:06,793 --> 00:00:07,926
like you always do.
3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,095
I've never done that.
4
00:00:10,129 --> 00:00:12,881
Sweetie, wake up.
It's morning.
5
00:00:16,419 --> 00:00:18,053
Liz: [Sighs]
I love you too.
6
00:00:18,087 --> 00:00:20,055
Anyway, I'm taking the van
out to Queens.
7
00:00:20,089 --> 00:00:22,524
There's this big parade.
Parades need people.
8
00:00:22,558 --> 00:00:23,859
People need hot dogs.
9
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:26,478
That's where
Van Der Beek and I step in.
10
00:00:26,529 --> 00:00:29,264
You named your van after
the guy from Dawson's Creek?
11
00:00:29,282 --> 00:00:31,400
I've seen everything he's
ever been in except for that.
12
00:00:31,434 --> 00:00:33,201
Please just let me pay
for the renovation.
13
00:00:33,236 --> 00:00:34,403
No.
14
00:00:34,437 --> 00:00:36,038
Or we could just hold off.
15
00:00:36,072 --> 00:00:37,656
We don't need a nursery now.
16
00:00:37,707 --> 00:00:39,958
And who knows if we'll ever
even have a...
17
00:00:39,992 --> 00:00:41,376
Plant or whatever?
18
00:00:41,411 --> 00:00:43,829
See, you're already backing
off of this whole thing
19
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,947
because you don't think
I'm the guy to do it with.
20
00:00:45,965 --> 00:00:47,916
- You're gonna bail on me.
- Hey! I don't bail.
21
00:00:47,950 --> 00:00:50,168
I am still watching Smash,
Criss.
22
00:00:50,219 --> 00:00:51,753
Well, I'm not gonna be
the reason
23
00:00:51,787 --> 00:00:54,056
why you put anything on hold.
24
00:00:54,090 --> 00:00:56,925
I'm getting that money.
25
00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
26
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:06,151
- Good morning!
- Ah!
27
00:01:06,185 --> 00:01:07,569
Girl talk time.
28
00:01:07,603 --> 00:01:09,438
Fine, I'll go first.
29
00:01:09,472 --> 00:01:11,606
Since I had to move out of
Razmig's place,
30
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,309
my living situation's been
a little in flux,
31
00:01:14,327 --> 00:01:17,279
and obviously I can't go
to a homeless shelter.
32
00:01:17,313 --> 00:01:18,780
I mean, the people there
33
00:01:18,814 --> 00:01:20,916
can be a little sexually
conservative for my tastes.
34
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,984
So I was thinking...
35
00:01:23,002 --> 00:01:25,820
Maybe I could crash with you
for a year or so?
36
00:01:25,838 --> 00:01:28,090
Wow! Okay.
37
00:01:28,124 --> 00:01:30,625
Look, Hazel.
I'm sorry, but no.
38
00:01:30,659 --> 00:01:32,494
You and I do need
to have some boundaries.
39
00:01:32,512 --> 00:01:34,662
Aw, poor baby.
40
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,298
Can't hack it
in the big city?
41
00:01:36,332 --> 00:01:37,599
Gonna move
to the bay area now,
42
00:01:37,633 --> 00:01:40,018
pretend that that was
your dream the whole time?
43
00:01:40,052 --> 00:01:42,554
Have fun always carrying
a light sweater.
44
00:01:42,605 --> 00:01:44,973
Is this about when I tried
to cripple you?
45
00:01:45,007 --> 00:01:46,441
Jenna, that was weeks ago.
46
00:01:46,476 --> 00:01:48,777
Bye, Hazel.
47
00:01:48,811 --> 00:01:50,862
I look forward to reading
your obituary,
48
00:01:50,897 --> 00:01:53,949
"Least famous person
in the world dies."
49
00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:57,018
[Sighs]
50
00:01:57,036 --> 00:01:59,704
Lemon, didn't you
get ordained online
51
00:01:59,739 --> 00:02:01,656
and perform a lesbian wedding
last summer?
52
00:02:01,690 --> 00:02:04,659
Yes, I married Becky and Dee
because love is love
53
00:02:04,693 --> 00:02:06,027
and there's no reason
54
00:02:06,045 --> 00:02:07,379
they shouldn't experience
the joy of marriage
55
00:02:07,413 --> 00:02:08,547
like any other couple.
56
00:02:08,581 --> 00:02:10,165
I'm not going
to the container store.
57
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:12,250
- This is my Saturday.
- Congratulations.
58
00:02:12,301 --> 00:02:14,169
You just turned
into your father.
59
00:02:14,203 --> 00:02:18,056
Avery and I want to renew
our vows tomorrow afternoon
60
00:02:18,090 --> 00:02:19,508
and we need and officiant.
61
00:02:19,542 --> 00:02:20,642
Jack, no way.
62
00:02:20,676 --> 00:02:22,644
Wanting to renew your vows
is a sign
63
00:02:22,678 --> 00:02:24,095
that there are
deeper problems.
64
00:02:24,147 --> 00:02:25,480
You kissed Avery's mom.
65
00:02:25,515 --> 00:02:26,848
Which they both know about.
66
00:02:26,882 --> 00:02:29,351
And they're fine with it.
67
00:02:29,385 --> 00:02:30,685
They're fine with it?
68
00:02:30,719 --> 00:02:33,155
What Bill O'Reilly erotic novel
are you living in?
69
00:02:33,189 --> 00:02:35,574
I suppose our situation
is most reminiscent
70
00:02:35,608 --> 00:02:37,275
of "The Commodore's lust"
71
00:02:37,326 --> 00:02:39,494
from the "Patriot's after dark"
series.
72
00:02:39,529 --> 00:02:40,946
Okay, fine.
73
00:02:40,997 --> 00:02:43,782
But if I'm doing this for you,
guess what, buddy.
74
00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:47,035
I get your Yankees tickets
on a-Rod bobblehead day.
75
00:02:47,069 --> 00:02:49,037
And I'm gonna throw that thing
in front of a train.
76
00:02:49,071 --> 00:02:51,289
- Go Phillies!
- Thank you, Lemon.
77
00:02:52,542 --> 00:02:53,842
Skinny arm-havers!
78
00:02:53,876 --> 00:02:55,210
Diana!
79
00:02:55,244 --> 00:02:56,578
What a wonderful surprise.
80
00:02:56,596 --> 00:02:58,513
I did not know
you were coming up for this.
81
00:02:58,548 --> 00:03:01,216
And why wouldn't I,
Liz?
82
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:02,934
Although, a vow renewal
is a little tacky,
83
00:03:02,969 --> 00:03:04,603
so I'd rather
they weren't doing it.
84
00:03:04,637 --> 00:03:06,254
Oh, really?
85
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:08,940
That's the reason you wish
we weren't doing it.
86
00:03:08,975 --> 00:03:11,693
There's other reason,
right, mother?
87
00:03:12,979 --> 00:03:15,564
[Nervous laugh]
88
00:03:15,598 --> 00:03:18,200
[All laughing nervously]
89
00:03:18,234 --> 00:03:19,367
Stop, drop, and roll!
90
00:03:19,402 --> 00:03:20,702
Let me out!
Let me out!
91
00:03:20,736 --> 00:03:23,705
[Exciting jazz music]
92
00:03:23,739 --> 00:03:25,339
93
00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:35,751
30 ROCK
S06Ep22 - What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year
94
00:03:35,761 --> 00:03:39,261
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
95
00:03:39,288 --> 00:03:41,740
Well, Tracy, I hope
you're proud of yourself.
96
00:03:41,791 --> 00:03:44,159
You were named
"man of the year"...
97
00:03:44,193 --> 00:03:47,045
By the "Journal of the Aryan
patriot party."
98
00:03:47,079 --> 00:03:48,713
Did they say
when the banquet is?
99
00:03:48,748 --> 00:03:51,750
Because I'm kind of between
tuxes due to weight fluctuation.
100
00:03:51,801 --> 00:03:53,701
Tray, this is not good.
101
00:03:53,719 --> 00:03:56,221
You are a representative
of the black community.
102
00:03:56,255 --> 00:03:58,590
You're supposed to be making us
look better, not worse.
103
00:03:58,641 --> 00:04:00,425
I do!
104
00:04:00,476 --> 00:04:02,177
For instance, in Pixar's
upcoming movie about trash,
105
00:04:02,211 --> 00:04:05,263
I'm doing the voice of a lazy
bottle of grape-flavored soda
106
00:04:05,314 --> 00:04:07,182
named Funky Bobo.
107
00:04:07,216 --> 00:04:10,769
Okay, I hear it!
108
00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:13,221
Scott and I saw each other
every day at work,
109
00:04:13,239 --> 00:04:14,923
but we're forbidden
from speaking.
110
00:04:14,957 --> 00:04:17,892
I was living in an exact replica
of Cinderella's castle
111
00:04:17,910 --> 00:04:20,162
that Kim Jong-Un had built
for his shoe collection.
112
00:04:20,196 --> 00:04:22,113
And I was kept in a pit
113
00:04:22,165 --> 00:04:24,616
where they made me beat
my best friend to death.
114
00:04:24,650 --> 00:04:25,617
Awkward.
115
00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:27,419
Wow. What an ordeal.
116
00:04:27,453 --> 00:04:29,904
And I know a little bit
about suffering
117
00:04:29,922 --> 00:04:32,240
because I work out...
A lot!
118
00:04:32,258 --> 00:04:34,843
I think we have a clip.
119
00:04:39,131 --> 00:04:43,385
[Tapping]
120
00:04:56,532 --> 00:04:59,634
Kim Jong-Un's fifth Miss
Universe title in four years.
121
00:04:59,669 --> 00:05:01,937
And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
122
00:05:01,971 --> 00:05:03,305
Thank you, Avery.
123
00:05:03,339 --> 00:05:05,373
Now for today's highlights.
124
00:05:05,408 --> 00:05:06,875
Kim...
[Rewinding]
125
00:05:06,909 --> 00:05:10,295
And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
126
00:05:10,329 --> 00:05:11,713
Thank you, Avery.
127
00:05:11,747 --> 00:05:13,798
And now for highlights.
Kim Jong...
128
00:05:13,833 --> 00:05:15,083
[Rewinding]
129
00:05:15,117 --> 00:05:17,419
And now with sports,
130
00:05:17,453 --> 00:05:18,720
Scott Scottsman.
131
00:05:18,754 --> 00:05:20,555
Thank you... Avery.
132
00:05:20,590 --> 00:05:23,475
And now with today's sports...
133
00:05:23,509 --> 00:05:24,843
Highlights.
134
00:05:24,877 --> 00:05:26,895
It's a code!
135
00:05:34,836 --> 00:05:37,153
Oh! I'm sorry.
136
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,155
I was gonna come in here
and cry
137
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,792
'cause I didn't get back
into the page program.
138
00:05:41,826 --> 00:05:44,127
But instead I'm being brave.
139
00:05:44,161 --> 00:05:45,879
Oh, stop whining.
140
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:49,132
I don't have a place
to live, Kenneth.
141
00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:51,334
I'll have to go back upstate
to that cult.
142
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:54,104
Oh, God,
I had so many husbands.
143
00:05:54,138 --> 00:05:55,889
Blah, blah, blah.
144
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,941
You really don't have
a place to live?
145
00:05:57,976 --> 00:06:00,310
Well, where will you sit
patiently in the dark
146
00:06:00,344 --> 00:06:02,529
while you wait
for the next day to start?
147
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,864
I mean, sleep?
148
00:06:03,898 --> 00:06:05,515
Miss Wassername,
149
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,367
you can stay with me.
150
00:06:07,402 --> 00:06:10,487
I remember how tough it was
when I first moved to New York.
151
00:06:10,521 --> 00:06:12,406
I still wouldn't be able
to afford rent
152
00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:16,793
if I didn't have a roommate.
153
00:06:16,828 --> 00:06:19,212
Have a good day, Doris.
154
00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:20,797
[High-pitched] "You have
a good day too, Kenneth."
155
00:06:20,832 --> 00:06:22,582
Whatever, Doris.
Grow up.
156
00:06:22,634 --> 00:06:24,751
Well, if you really
mean it...
157
00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:27,337
I don't mean it,
I nice it.
158
00:06:27,371 --> 00:06:29,706
You're staying with me,
Hazel.
159
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:36,346
Ah, so...
How was your day?
160
00:06:38,549 --> 00:06:39,850
What are you doing?
161
00:06:39,884 --> 00:06:41,601
Answering
your question, dear.
162
00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:44,571
My day was revealing.
163
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:48,775
Jack, I can explain.
164
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,994
You love wet feet?
165
00:06:51,029 --> 00:06:52,946
Okay, maybe I haven't
mastered your code,
166
00:06:52,997 --> 00:06:54,865
but I'm trying to say
you lied to me.
167
00:06:54,899 --> 00:06:56,399
You said you didn't do anything
with Scott.
168
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:58,452
Is this nothing?
169
00:06:58,503 --> 00:07:01,121
"I miss you at night.
I think about you all the time.
170
00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:02,673
"I couldn't get through this
without you.
171
00:07:02,707 --> 00:07:05,792
Check out Kim Jong-Un's pants.
Where's the flood?"
172
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:07,344
How could you do this to me?
173
00:07:07,378 --> 00:07:10,013
Scott and I
have never touched, Jack.
174
00:07:10,048 --> 00:07:12,599
Unlike you and my mother.
175
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,184
I thought you forgave me
for that.
176
00:07:14,218 --> 00:07:15,469
Of course, darling.
177
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,437
Now maybe you can forgive me
for developing feelings
178
00:07:17,472 --> 00:07:18,772
for the only other person
in the world
179
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,307
who knew
what I was going through!
180
00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:22,559
All right, we obviously have
some problems to sort out,
181
00:07:22,593 --> 00:07:23,894
but we're going
to get through this.
182
00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:25,145
- We're Jack and Avery.
- That's right.
183
00:07:25,196 --> 00:07:26,396
We're not quitters.
See?
184
00:07:26,430 --> 00:07:28,065
[Raises voice]
I'm not even angry anymore!
185
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:29,533
Nor am I!
186
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:31,618
Do you wanna watch
Downton Abbey tonight?
187
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,770
I'd love to!
Maggie Smith is a treasure!
188
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:46,282
My soil's pretty good
so I will plant this seed
189
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:50,470
My back's still strong enough
to pull some weeds
190
00:07:50,505 --> 00:07:52,506
I can kick out
all these stones
191
00:07:52,557 --> 00:07:55,425
And I can shoo
these birds away
192
00:07:55,459 --> 00:07:59,312
Growing together every day
[Crash]
193
00:07:59,347 --> 00:08:01,598
We find
a little sunny spot
194
00:08:01,632 --> 00:08:03,800
With mornings full of dew
195
00:08:03,818 --> 00:08:05,936
And I will tell
the garden club
196
00:08:05,970 --> 00:08:08,304
How proud I am of you
197
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:12,609
Growing together
it's just botany
198
00:08:12,643 --> 00:08:14,978
Growing together
199
00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:18,081
Planty and me
200
00:08:18,116 --> 00:08:19,449
[Shouting in Hebrew]
201
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:21,151
I know. I'm sorry.
[Phone ringing]
202
00:08:21,169 --> 00:08:22,536
I didn't...
203
00:08:22,587 --> 00:08:23,987
Yeah?
204
00:08:24,005 --> 00:08:26,256
Hi, I was thinking about you.
How's the parade going?
205
00:08:26,290 --> 00:08:27,924
Uh, tough crowd.
206
00:08:27,959 --> 00:08:30,093
I had no idea the shmuley
Israel memorial parade
207
00:08:30,128 --> 00:08:31,928
was a predominantly
Jewish event.
208
00:08:31,963 --> 00:08:33,263
Criss,
you don't have to do this.
209
00:08:33,297 --> 00:08:34,931
I am not gonna
give up on you.
210
00:08:34,966 --> 00:08:36,266
You know what kind of women
in their 40s
211
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:37,551
have never been married, Liz?
212
00:08:37,602 --> 00:08:39,519
Uggos, crazies, and bailers.
213
00:08:39,554 --> 00:08:40,854
You're not an uggo.
214
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,223
And you're "ha-ha" crazy,
not "oh, boy" crazy,
215
00:08:43,274 --> 00:08:45,108
which means you bail.
216
00:08:45,143 --> 00:08:47,277
So I'm not gonna give you
an excuse to quit.
217
00:08:47,311 --> 00:08:49,813
I don't care what it takes,
I'm getting that money.
218
00:08:49,847 --> 00:08:51,565
[Beep]
219
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:56,953
Planty, no!
220
00:08:56,988 --> 00:09:00,157
I don't care about that.
221
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:03,693
[Giggling] Okay, who am I?
Who am I?
222
00:09:03,728 --> 00:09:06,797
[Gasps, snorts, groans]
223
00:09:06,831 --> 00:09:08,215
Doris!
224
00:09:08,249 --> 00:09:11,218
Wonderful.
See you tonight, roomie.
225
00:09:11,252 --> 00:09:14,471
Yes, you will.
226
00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:17,674
- Hazel.
- What?
227
00:09:17,708 --> 00:09:22,062
A moment, please.
228
00:09:22,096 --> 00:09:23,847
Let's cut through the crap,
Hazel.
229
00:09:23,881 --> 00:09:26,349
I know how you think.
You lie, you cheat.
230
00:09:26,383 --> 00:09:28,151
You manipulate
to get what you want.
231
00:09:28,186 --> 00:09:29,769
I'd admire you
if you weren't brunette.
232
00:09:29,821 --> 00:09:31,238
I'm a natural blonde.
233
00:09:31,272 --> 00:09:35,108
That's insane!
234
00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:37,777
Look, I don't know
what your angle is with Kenneth,
235
00:09:37,829 --> 00:09:39,162
but you leave him out of this.
236
00:09:39,197 --> 00:09:41,615
I don't have any angle
with Kenneth, Jenna.
237
00:09:41,666 --> 00:09:43,333
I've already taken care
of him.
238
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:44,951
What's that supposed
to mean?
239
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:47,704
Nothing.
240
00:09:49,841 --> 00:09:51,508
Stop looking at my ass.
241
00:09:51,542 --> 00:09:54,461
Stop pointing your ass
at my eyeballs.
242
00:09:54,512 --> 00:09:57,013
It's an honor to finally
meet you, Questlove.
243
00:09:57,048 --> 00:09:58,965
Tracy,
this is Dr. Cornel West.
244
00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,851
He teaches African-American
studies
245
00:10:00,885 --> 00:10:02,252
at Princeton.
246
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:05,055
Yeah, brother Walter and
brother Warren and I were out
247
00:10:05,089 --> 00:10:07,724
seen in The Five-year engagement
last night,
248
00:10:07,758 --> 00:10:09,426
and they mentioned
your concerns
249
00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:12,229
about the image you're
presenting as a black man.
250
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:13,930
Look, I don't wanna make us
look bad,
251
00:10:13,948 --> 00:10:15,615
but these dumb white writers
252
00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:17,200
don't know how
us soul cats speak,
253
00:10:17,235 --> 00:10:19,452
one 'twixt the other.
254
00:10:19,487 --> 00:10:21,271
And they keep backing up this
truck full of money
255
00:10:21,289 --> 00:10:22,455
for me to do this crap.
256
00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:23,606
I don't know what to do.
257
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,108
Before you change
the system,
258
00:10:25,126 --> 00:10:27,494
you've got to change yourself,
brother Jordan.
259
00:10:27,545 --> 00:10:29,579
Who were your black role models
growing up?
260
00:10:29,613 --> 00:10:31,281
Darth Vader, ninjas,
261
00:10:31,299 --> 00:10:34,000
some black licorice I tried to
make into the shape of my dad.
262
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,752
That's the challenge there.
263
00:10:35,786 --> 00:10:37,721
How are you gonna be
a black role model
264
00:10:37,755 --> 00:10:39,122
when you've never had one?
265
00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:41,124
I've been blessed to have
mom and dad
266
00:10:41,142 --> 00:10:44,427
and my brother Cliff,
John Coltrane, Curtis Mayfield,
267
00:10:44,461 --> 00:10:46,813
and as of last night,
brother Jason Segel.
268
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:50,300
So I just need to find
my own role model to inspire me.
269
00:10:50,318 --> 00:10:51,685
But where should I look?
270
00:10:51,736 --> 00:10:52,986
Might be closer
than you think.
271
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,071
Maybe right under
your own nose.
272
00:10:55,106 --> 00:10:57,240
Under my own nose.
273
00:10:57,275 --> 00:10:59,109
Like a mustache.
274
00:10:59,143 --> 00:11:00,360
A mustache.
275
00:11:00,411 --> 00:11:01,644
Tom Selleck!
276
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:05,165
You've got to go
to a civil rights museum.
277
00:11:05,199 --> 00:11:06,866
I'm praying for my brother.
278
00:11:10,821 --> 00:11:13,373
Excuse me.
279
00:11:13,424 --> 00:11:15,926
Diana! The ceremony's not
for a little while.
280
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,178
You might wanna pace yourself.
281
00:11:18,212 --> 00:11:19,763
Hey, are you gonna
do the part
282
00:11:19,797 --> 00:11:22,632
where you say, "speak now
or forever hold your peace"?
283
00:11:22,666 --> 00:11:24,184
I was gonna.
Why?
284
00:11:24,218 --> 00:11:27,337
This is gonna be a mess!
285
00:11:27,355 --> 00:11:28,855
Diana.
286
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,025
Excuse me,
are you Elizabeth Lemon?
287
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,343
During the ceremony,
are you gonna do the whole
288
00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:35,061
"speak now or forever
hold your peace" part?
289
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:37,063
Wait, what?
Why? Who are you?
290
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:39,616
I'm Scott.
I was in Korea with Avery.
291
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:42,285
We used to tap messages
to each other during the news.
292
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,870
One day we made love
while tapping.
293
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,572
It was beautiful.
No butt stuff.
294
00:11:45,623 --> 00:11:48,291
No, no, no. Scott, you don't
wanna break up a marriage.
295
00:11:48,326 --> 00:11:49,692
Oh, I'm not married.
296
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,044
Before I got kidnapped,
297
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,412
Teresa and I were engaged
to be engaged.
298
00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:55,048
No, Jack and Diana... Avery!
Avery and Diana...
299
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,884
Damn it!
Jack and Nancy.
300
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,586
No, do not do anything.
301
00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:01,638
Excuse me, lady.
302
00:12:01,672 --> 00:12:03,006
You do the vow?
303
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,809
You know, "speak now or forever
hold your peace" part?
304
00:12:05,843 --> 00:12:07,060
Oh, my God.
Are you...
305
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,312
No! I'm nobody!
306
00:12:09,347 --> 00:12:10,880
Kim Jong-Il is dead.
307
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,515
I'm only waiter.
308
00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:15,935
I'm greatest waiter
of all time.
309
00:12:15,987 --> 00:12:18,905
Okay.
310
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,490
Oh, boy.
311
00:12:25,316 --> 00:12:26,816
Hey guys!
312
00:12:26,910 --> 00:12:29,295
Quick question about the vows.
313
00:12:29,329 --> 00:12:32,048
The whole "speak now or forever
hold your peace" part...
314
00:12:32,082 --> 00:12:34,584
All things considered,
it kinda feels like it's just...
315
00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:36,135
Asking for trouble.
316
00:12:36,169 --> 00:12:37,587
Liz, do the vows
as written.
317
00:12:37,638 --> 00:12:40,706
Yes, this relationship
has been tested.
318
00:12:40,724 --> 00:12:42,592
And yet here we are.
319
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:45,377
To quote George W. Bush,
Lemon,
320
00:12:45,395 --> 00:12:46,378
"bring 'em on."
321
00:12:46,396 --> 00:12:47,647
He said that to me
in Galveston
322
00:12:47,681 --> 00:12:49,098
when a busload
of drunk debutantes
323
00:12:49,149 --> 00:12:50,566
tried to get on his boat.
324
00:12:50,601 --> 00:12:52,351
It was named "Mr. water boat."
325
00:12:52,385 --> 00:12:54,219
Did it sink?
Yes.
326
00:12:54,237 --> 00:12:55,688
Because there were
too many people on it.
327
00:12:55,722 --> 00:12:57,440
But the spirit of his words
lives on.
328
00:12:57,491 --> 00:12:58,824
Okay, but are you sure...
329
00:12:58,859 --> 00:13:00,559
I appreciate
your concern, Lemon.
330
00:13:00,577 --> 00:13:03,279
But Avery and I don't quit.
Ever.
331
00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:05,765
Hello, Kenneth.
332
00:13:05,799 --> 00:13:07,533
How are things
with your new roommate?
333
00:13:07,567 --> 00:13:09,652
Oh, are you talking
about Hazel or the raccoon
334
00:13:09,686 --> 00:13:11,037
that won't let me
into my kitchen?
335
00:13:11,071 --> 00:13:13,422
Either way,
the answer is "wonderful."
336
00:13:13,457 --> 00:13:14,790
I'm talking about Hazel.
337
00:13:14,841 --> 00:13:16,575
I know how she thinks,
Kenneth.
338
00:13:16,593 --> 00:13:18,794
So I went down
to human resources,
339
00:13:18,845 --> 00:13:20,429
turned on the old charm,
340
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:22,431
and got a copy
of the application
341
00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:24,517
you submitted
to the page program.
342
00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:29,188
This isn't my application.
343
00:13:29,222 --> 00:13:31,190
This isn't even
my handwriting.
344
00:13:31,224 --> 00:13:33,192
Do you know
whose handwriting it is?
345
00:13:33,226 --> 00:13:35,027
Hazel's.
346
00:13:35,062 --> 00:13:37,530
She sabotaged you
so you won't become a threat.
347
00:13:37,564 --> 00:13:41,117
And to think I thought
Hazel was a bitch!
348
00:13:41,151 --> 00:13:44,620
Friendly and loyal
like a well-trained female dog.
349
00:13:44,655 --> 00:13:46,622
But she isn't a bitch.
350
00:13:46,657 --> 00:13:49,108
She's a meaniepants.
351
00:13:51,461 --> 00:13:53,796
[Sighs]
This is gonna be a mess.
352
00:13:53,830 --> 00:13:56,382
Police are reporting
that a bank on Jackson Avenue
353
00:13:56,416 --> 00:13:58,584
was robbed this afternoon
by a lone suspect...
354
00:13:58,618 --> 00:14:00,419
A white male in his 30s.
355
00:14:00,453 --> 00:14:02,788
Security cameras caught
the getaway van heading West
356
00:14:02,806 --> 00:14:03,789
towards Manhattan.
357
00:14:03,807 --> 00:14:05,457
Nerf herder!
358
00:14:05,475 --> 00:14:07,093
Nerf-herder!
359
00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:09,311
Oh, come on, Tray.
360
00:14:09,346 --> 00:14:10,896
Are you telling me you haven't
found one person in here
361
00:14:10,931 --> 00:14:12,231
who inspires you?
362
00:14:12,265 --> 00:14:13,349
What about
Frederick Douglass?
363
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,801
A guy with two first names?
Next.
364
00:14:15,819 --> 00:14:18,320
That dress belonged
to Rosa Parks.
365
00:14:18,355 --> 00:14:19,572
She's one
of my personal heroes.
366
00:14:19,606 --> 00:14:21,490
I think I found
my role model.
367
00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:22,808
Good choice.
368
00:14:22,826 --> 00:14:24,110
Sister Parks once said
each person must live their life
369
00:14:24,144 --> 00:14:26,078
- as a model for others...
- Shut up, Dotcom.
370
00:14:26,113 --> 00:14:28,330
I'm not talking about her.
371
00:14:28,365 --> 00:14:30,366
I'm talking about me looking
funny in this reflection.
372
00:14:30,417 --> 00:14:32,818
I'm gonna do a movie where
I play someone's fat old aunt
373
00:14:32,836 --> 00:14:35,654
and I say stuff like,
"whoo-wee!"
374
00:14:35,672 --> 00:14:38,624
And "sweet child,
sit yo' black ass down!"
375
00:14:38,658 --> 00:14:41,343
No, Tray, that's exactly
what we're trying to avoid.
376
00:14:41,378 --> 00:14:43,679
Questlove asked me
to find a role model.
377
00:14:43,714 --> 00:14:45,715
I did.
It's Tyler Perry.
378
00:14:45,766 --> 00:14:48,801
From now on,
my movies will be produced,
379
00:14:48,835 --> 00:14:50,936
written, directed,
and seen exclusively
380
00:14:50,971 --> 00:14:52,688
by African-Americans.
381
00:14:52,723 --> 00:14:54,190
That's right.
382
00:14:54,224 --> 00:14:56,559
I'm starting my own studio.
383
00:14:58,678 --> 00:15:00,012
Hey.
Hey, beautiful!
384
00:15:00,030 --> 00:15:02,314
You can't go to prison,
you idiot.
385
00:15:02,348 --> 00:15:05,451
They will ravage you
and your beautiful woman face.
386
00:15:05,485 --> 00:15:06,819
I'll say I did it.
387
00:15:06,853 --> 00:15:08,154
I can handle prison.
388
00:15:08,188 --> 00:15:09,905
I have a mean face
and I can will myself to sleep
389
00:15:09,956 --> 00:15:11,457
in any environment.
390
00:15:11,491 --> 00:15:13,125
Wait, what are you
talking about?
391
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,244
The heist.
They saw your van.
392
00:15:15,295 --> 00:15:17,329
Why didn't you take out
the cameras
393
00:15:17,363 --> 00:15:20,549
and kill all the witnesses,
you beautiful bastard?
394
00:15:20,584 --> 00:15:22,752
I didn't Rob a bank, Liz.
God!
395
00:15:22,803 --> 00:15:24,920
No, I sold the van
this morning...
396
00:15:24,971 --> 00:15:26,672
To a really nice young guy
on Meth.
397
00:15:26,706 --> 00:15:29,892
You sold Van Der Beek?
For me?
398
00:15:29,926 --> 00:15:33,479
I sold Van Der Beek...
For us.
399
00:15:33,513 --> 00:15:35,648
I don't wanna wait
for our lives to be over.
400
00:15:35,682 --> 00:15:38,734
And now...
I can pay to redo the upstairs.
401
00:15:38,769 --> 00:15:41,904
And I was gonna go
to prison for you.
402
00:15:41,938 --> 00:15:44,056
Even when I thought
you had robbed a bank,
403
00:15:44,074 --> 00:15:45,407
I wasn't gonna bail.
404
00:15:45,442 --> 00:15:46,942
I won't bail on you!
405
00:15:46,993 --> 00:15:49,061
You won't bail on me.
406
00:15:49,079 --> 00:15:50,446
You won't bail on me.
407
00:15:50,497 --> 00:15:51,781
Have you ever had
a girlfriend
408
00:15:51,832 --> 00:15:53,115
willing to Thelma and Louise
with you?
409
00:15:53,166 --> 00:15:54,900
No. Never.
410
00:15:54,918 --> 00:15:57,069
But come on, Bonnie and Clyde.
Okay, I'm a boy.
411
00:15:57,087 --> 00:16:02,541
I'm a boy, Liz.
412
00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:05,177
Also, I hear Pippa Middleton
couldn't come today
413
00:16:05,212 --> 00:16:08,464
because Avery was borrowing
her ass.
414
00:16:08,515 --> 00:16:12,134
[Laughs]
415
00:16:12,185 --> 00:16:14,637
If anyone can show
just cause
416
00:16:14,688 --> 00:16:18,107
why Jack and Avery may not
be lawfully joined together,
417
00:16:18,141 --> 00:16:20,693
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
418
00:16:23,864 --> 00:16:25,698
[Groans]
419
00:16:25,732 --> 00:16:28,433
Hey, Teresa.
420
00:16:30,287 --> 00:16:33,322
I just want alereeb
to be happy.
421
00:16:36,877 --> 00:16:38,327
Kim...
422
00:16:38,378 --> 00:16:39,745
Where are you going?
423
00:16:39,779 --> 00:16:41,947
You're the best waiter
I've ever seen.
424
00:16:41,965 --> 00:16:46,051
I know, Mr. Stepanian.
I know.
425
00:16:47,387 --> 00:16:49,505
Great!
So no one.
426
00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:51,223
Are you people kidding me?
427
00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:53,008
Seriously, no one
has anything to say?
428
00:16:53,059 --> 00:16:54,560
You're all cowards.
429
00:16:54,594 --> 00:16:57,229
He kissed my mother.
430
00:16:57,264 --> 00:16:59,431
And she's in love
with Scott.
431
00:16:59,465 --> 00:17:01,150
[Mouthing words]
432
00:17:01,184 --> 00:17:04,320
How can you stay silent when
there's so much to object to?
433
00:17:04,354 --> 00:17:05,938
What kind of friends are you?
434
00:17:05,972 --> 00:17:08,407
I have something to say.
435
00:17:08,441 --> 00:17:10,693
I played Avery Jessup
in "Kidnapped by danger,"
436
00:17:10,744 --> 00:17:12,278
now available
on Sega Genesis.
437
00:17:12,312 --> 00:17:13,696
Thank you!
438
00:17:13,747 --> 00:17:16,866
I forgot about the TV movie
that whitewashed our love story.
439
00:17:16,917 --> 00:17:18,984
I was dating another woman.
440
00:17:19,002 --> 00:17:20,836
And I wasn't ready
to get married.
441
00:17:20,871 --> 00:17:22,421
Both:
We only did it because...
442
00:17:22,455 --> 00:17:26,125
- She was pregnant.
- I was pregnant.
443
00:17:26,159 --> 00:17:29,511
You truly are
an amazing woman, Avery.
444
00:17:29,546 --> 00:17:31,213
The only thing you're bad at
is quitting.
445
00:17:31,264 --> 00:17:33,465
I kept my sea monkeys alive
for 30 years.
446
00:17:33,499 --> 00:17:35,100
We're both incapable
of failure,
447
00:17:35,135 --> 00:17:36,435
so deep down we were hoping
448
00:17:36,469 --> 00:17:38,187
someone else
would ruin it for us.
449
00:17:38,221 --> 00:17:40,306
I mean, if we wanted
this thing to succeed,
450
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:42,391
why would we ask Liz
to officiate?
451
00:17:42,442 --> 00:17:44,676
Because I'm good
at blending humor and heart?
452
00:17:45,812 --> 00:17:47,446
I'll always care for you.
453
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,199
We'll split assets
in custody equally.
454
00:17:50,233 --> 00:17:52,151
I'll take our friends
"A" through "L."
455
00:17:52,185 --> 00:17:53,786
You'll get "M" through "Z".
456
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:56,455
Liz, divorce us.
457
00:17:56,489 --> 00:17:59,024
By the power vested in me
458
00:17:59,042 --> 00:18:02,962
by the website
instaminister.Estonia,
459
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:05,798
I now pronounce you
divorced.
460
00:18:08,301 --> 00:18:11,637
[Laughing] Yeah!
Divorce!
461
00:18:11,671 --> 00:18:13,839
Whoo!
[Chuckling]
462
00:18:13,873 --> 00:18:15,758
[Applause]
463
00:18:18,378 --> 00:18:20,062
[Door closes]
464
00:18:20,096 --> 00:18:22,547
I thought
you were my friend.
465
00:18:22,565 --> 00:18:24,984
But you were trying
to destroy me the whole time.
466
00:18:25,018 --> 00:18:29,071
It started that way.
467
00:18:29,105 --> 00:18:32,107
But then I fell in love
with you.
468
00:18:32,158 --> 00:18:34,326
All you've done
is lie to me.
469
00:18:34,361 --> 00:18:35,694
How can I believe you now?
470
00:18:35,728 --> 00:18:38,530
Believe this.
471
00:18:38,564 --> 00:18:40,449
Mmm!
Ah!
472
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,535
Don't you ever
do that again.
473
00:18:45,171 --> 00:18:49,708
[Both moaning]
474
00:18:52,712 --> 00:18:56,632
This would make a great room
for a baby.
475
00:18:56,683 --> 00:18:59,418
You said, "baby,"
instead of "plant."
476
00:18:59,436 --> 00:19:00,970
Now say, "man cave."
477
00:19:01,021 --> 00:19:03,889
Never!
[Doorbell]
478
00:19:06,592 --> 00:19:07,943
Wow.
479
00:19:07,978 --> 00:19:10,429
Didn't expect
to see you tonight.
480
00:19:10,447 --> 00:19:11,447
In all the commotion,
481
00:19:11,481 --> 00:19:12,597
I forgot to give you
this little...
482
00:19:12,615 --> 00:19:15,901
Thank you for officiating
our event.
483
00:19:21,541 --> 00:19:25,044
It's the remote control
holder you wanted from Skymall.
484
00:19:25,078 --> 00:19:27,579
Yes! Yes!
Awesome!
485
00:19:27,613 --> 00:19:29,631
Ah!
486
00:19:29,666 --> 00:19:32,284
Ohh...
[Tools whirring]
487
00:19:32,302 --> 00:19:36,121
Oh, Criss is doing
a little renovating upstairs...
488
00:19:36,139 --> 00:19:38,924
Because we are thinking
about having a baby...
489
00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:40,559
Together...
490
00:19:40,593 --> 00:19:44,313
That will emerge
from my vagina.
491
00:19:44,347 --> 00:19:46,482
Or a Chinese vagina.
492
00:19:46,516 --> 00:19:48,967
Okay.
493
00:19:48,985 --> 00:19:51,186
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
494
00:19:51,237 --> 00:19:52,604
Wait, that's it?
495
00:19:52,638 --> 00:19:54,189
You're not gonna give me
any advice?
496
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,242
I can't, Lemon.
I don't have any right to.
497
00:19:57,277 --> 00:19:58,744
I've been, uh...
498
00:19:58,778 --> 00:20:01,413
Divorced... twice.
499
00:20:01,448 --> 00:20:02,865
Engaged two other times.
500
00:20:02,916 --> 00:20:04,616
I'm... a mess.
501
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:07,086
But any child would be lucky
to have you
502
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,505
be the mother it loves
then hates for a few years,
503
00:20:09,539 --> 00:20:11,156
then loves again,
504
00:20:11,174 --> 00:20:12,925
then half-heartedly defends
to its spouse,
505
00:20:12,959 --> 00:20:15,461
then puts in a home.
506
00:20:15,495 --> 00:20:17,846
You don't need my advice.
507
00:20:17,881 --> 00:20:20,549
But I still want it.
508
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,634
If you decide
to have child,
509
00:20:22,668 --> 00:20:26,805
you going to make
an excellent mother...
510
00:20:26,839 --> 00:20:28,440
As long as you follow
Jack Donaghy's
511
00:20:28,475 --> 00:20:30,842
25 pillars of motherhood.
512
00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:33,028
Number one,
don't overthink the names.
513
00:20:33,063 --> 00:20:35,531
Stick to Kings and Queens
of England.
514
00:20:35,565 --> 00:20:37,566
There will never be
a president Ashton
515
00:20:37,617 --> 00:20:40,452
or a Dr. Katniss.
516
00:20:40,487 --> 00:20:42,071
Or a non-sexually confused
Lorne.
517
00:20:42,122 --> 00:20:43,655
Number two...
518
00:20:49,011 --> 00:20:51,296
[Laughs]
519
00:20:51,352 --> 00:20:53,854
Ah, we had a good time
tonight.
520
00:20:53,905 --> 00:20:57,858
I wonder what will happen
to the gang next season.
521
00:20:57,909 --> 00:20:59,860
Will Liz have a baby?
522
00:20:59,911 --> 00:21:02,979
Will Jack become supreme leader
of Kabletown?
523
00:21:02,997 --> 00:21:04,164
Will Kenneth...
524
00:21:04,198 --> 00:21:06,416
No, I don't care!
525
00:21:06,451 --> 00:21:09,669
All I want is Jack and Liz
get together.
526
00:21:09,704 --> 00:21:12,289
On Friends,
it was so satisfying.
527
00:21:12,323 --> 00:21:15,842
They do on Cheers,
they do on Moonlighting.
528
00:21:15,877 --> 00:21:17,210
Everybody do it!
529
00:21:17,261 --> 00:21:19,496
Don't overthink it, writers.
530
00:21:19,514 --> 00:21:21,664
Whoever you are.
531
00:21:23,868 --> 00:21:27,368
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
532
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,103
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
533
00:21:31,153 --> 00:21:35,703
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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