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1
00:00:04,027 --> 00:00:05,978
Well, hello, Hank.
So good of you to come up.
2
00:00:05,986 --> 00:00:07,637
Well,
I'm not gonna miss
3
00:00:07,671 --> 00:00:10,489
the America's Kidzgot singing finale.
4
00:00:10,507 --> 00:00:12,959
Last time I was this excited
was this morning.
5
00:00:12,993 --> 00:00:16,045
I saw a cat wearing
the same sweater as its person.
6
00:00:18,131 --> 00:00:19,498
Jack, you remember
my granddaughter.
7
00:00:19,516 --> 00:00:21,250
Hi, Mr. Donaghy.
8
00:00:21,301 --> 00:00:22,502
Kaylie.
9
00:00:22,536 --> 00:00:24,220
There's Jenna Marone.
10
00:00:24,254 --> 00:00:28,558
So, Jack, how's your wife?
Still kidnapped?
11
00:00:28,592 --> 00:00:30,893
How's the yearbook going?
I heard you made editor...
12
00:00:30,928 --> 00:00:32,345
Of the photo captions.
13
00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:35,598
Pop-Pop, wait up.
14
00:00:35,649 --> 00:00:36,983
Pop-Pop, wait up.
15
00:00:37,017 --> 00:00:38,734
I'm so excited
for the finale.
16
00:00:38,769 --> 00:00:40,886
Not that it matters,
even if Brock doesn't win,
17
00:00:40,904 --> 00:00:42,572
he is going to get
a record contract.
18
00:00:42,606 --> 00:00:44,023
So, it definitely
doesn't matter.
19
00:00:44,057 --> 00:00:45,775
This isn't the last
we will be seeing of Brock.
20
00:00:45,826 --> 00:00:47,777
Well, whoever wins, it's
a great night for the industry.
21
00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:49,445
Kidz is a hit the whole family
can watch together,
22
00:00:49,496 --> 00:00:52,915
not your usual sitcom crap
full of gratuitous vulgarity
23
00:00:52,950 --> 00:00:53,950
and pratfalls.
24
00:00:55,385 --> 00:00:57,503
My penis!
25
00:00:57,538 --> 00:00:59,755
Jenna,
this is a big night.
26
00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:01,874
And I've got
something big planned.
27
00:01:01,908 --> 00:01:04,210
Tonight during
the finalists' duet,
28
00:01:04,244 --> 00:01:05,511
I'm gonna cry.
29
00:01:05,546 --> 00:01:08,080
Now, of course, none of these
little condom accidents
30
00:01:08,098 --> 00:01:10,766
could actually make me cry,
so I'm gonna rub this
31
00:01:10,801 --> 00:01:12,802
under my eyes
to help me fake it.
32
00:01:12,853 --> 00:01:14,086
It's an old acting trick
I learned
33
00:01:14,104 --> 00:01:15,638
from Glenn Beck's
prostitute.
34
00:01:15,689 --> 00:01:17,557
Well,
mark my words, Jenna,
35
00:01:17,591 --> 00:01:20,343
tonight is going to
be the greatest.
36
00:01:20,377 --> 00:01:22,562
Disaster
in the history of television.
37
00:01:22,596 --> 00:01:26,649
The young contestants apparently
inebriated on live TV.
38
00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:30,620
I gotta throw up.
39
00:01:32,406 --> 00:01:33,656
What happened?
40
00:01:33,707 --> 00:01:34,874
Why haven't you been
returning my calls?
41
00:01:34,908 --> 00:01:37,660
Because my phone
melted last night, Lemon.
42
00:01:37,711 --> 00:01:40,329
Come here, Jack.
43
00:01:42,382 --> 00:01:45,551
That was my angriest hug, 'cause
that's how I feel right now.
44
00:01:45,586 --> 00:01:47,803
Instead of heading
back to Philadelphia,
45
00:01:47,838 --> 00:01:50,339
I'm going down
to deal with the FCC.
46
00:01:50,390 --> 00:01:52,008
The Federal
Clown Commission.
47
00:01:52,059 --> 00:01:53,759
I hope that comes off
as respectful.
48
00:01:53,793 --> 00:01:54,844
My father was a clown,
49
00:01:54,895 --> 00:01:56,479
and I know how hard
those men work.
50
00:01:56,513 --> 00:01:57,930
I'm going to
get to the bottom
51
00:01:57,964 --> 00:01:59,432
of what happened
last night, sir.
52
00:01:59,466 --> 00:02:02,234
I've already detained Brock
and Ava under the patriot act.
53
00:02:02,269 --> 00:02:03,853
People have forgotten
about that thing,
54
00:02:03,904 --> 00:02:07,573
but any white male
can arrest any other person.
55
00:02:07,608 --> 00:02:10,443
Hello, peers.
56
00:02:10,477 --> 00:02:12,078
Sure has been
a busy morning
57
00:02:12,112 --> 00:02:13,696
down in
the Standards department.
58
00:02:13,747 --> 00:02:15,581
Because of last night's
cluster-whoops,
59
00:02:15,616 --> 00:02:16,949
Darren was fired.
60
00:02:16,983 --> 00:02:19,001
Then he threatened
to come back with a gun.
61
00:02:19,036 --> 00:02:20,870
Then I got a promotion,
62
00:02:20,921 --> 00:02:23,673
and the desk
closest to the door.
63
00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:28,044
Here are my new
business cards.
64
00:02:28,095 --> 00:02:31,180
Late night programming?
So you're covering TGS now?
65
00:02:31,214 --> 00:02:33,649
And a wonderful
new show from D.L. Hughley
66
00:02:33,684 --> 00:02:36,552
that's already
been canceled!
67
00:02:36,603 --> 00:02:38,604
I feel like
Oscar the grouch today,
68
00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:40,106
and not just
'cause I woke up
69
00:02:40,140 --> 00:02:41,557
in a garbage can
this morning,
70
00:02:41,608 --> 00:02:43,526
startling someone
named Gordon.
71
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:44,977
What's wrong, Tracy?
72
00:02:45,011 --> 00:02:46,062
I can't eat
for 24 hours
73
00:02:46,113 --> 00:02:47,229
'cause I have
a colonoscopy tomorrow.
74
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:48,531
I'm starving!
75
00:02:48,565 --> 00:02:51,067
You know, fasting
can actually clear your mind.
76
00:02:51,118 --> 00:02:53,035
In college, I once
went on a hunger strike
77
00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:54,704
to protest apartheid...
78
00:02:54,738 --> 00:02:58,958
You're the one who solved that?
Thank you so much.
79
00:02:58,992 --> 00:03:02,828
1997 Heather Locklear,
what are you doing here?
80
00:03:02,862 --> 00:03:03,963
What? Jenna!
81
00:03:03,997 --> 00:03:05,581
Save it, Liz.
82
00:03:05,632 --> 00:03:08,801
Yes, I was disappointed that
I didn't get to do my fake cry,
83
00:03:08,835 --> 00:03:10,586
but I do have a plan B.
84
00:03:10,637 --> 00:03:13,255
The whole point of the cry
was to humanize me,
85
00:03:13,306 --> 00:03:14,807
to change
public perception,
86
00:03:14,841 --> 00:03:18,010
but what else
humanizes a monster?
87
00:03:18,044 --> 00:03:19,011
Motherhood.
88
00:03:19,045 --> 00:03:20,312
God. Don't adopt.
89
00:03:20,347 --> 00:03:21,931
That child
is better off in Somalia.
90
00:03:21,982 --> 00:03:24,734
It could be a pirate,
or a warlord's concubine.
91
00:03:24,768 --> 00:03:26,218
This is better
than adopting.
92
00:03:26,236 --> 00:03:28,938
Remember my little moneymaking
scheme back in Chicago?
93
00:03:28,989 --> 00:03:30,823
Cashing your dead aunt's
social security checks?
94
00:03:30,857 --> 00:03:32,408
No,
I'm still doing that.
95
00:03:32,442 --> 00:03:34,410
I'm talking about
when I donated my eggs.
96
00:03:34,444 --> 00:03:36,445
So, a couple of months ago,
I called
97
00:03:36,496 --> 00:03:39,115
the calumet city egg donation
center and house of blues
98
00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,117
to see if there were
any little Jennas out there
99
00:03:41,168 --> 00:03:42,334
who wanted to meet me.
100
00:03:42,369 --> 00:03:44,453
Hang on, are you saying
you have a kid?
101
00:03:44,504 --> 00:03:46,338
No, I don't.
102
00:03:48,008 --> 00:03:50,376
I have six kids.
103
00:03:50,410 --> 00:03:52,545
Jerome, share the bronzer,
you slut.
104
00:03:53,714 --> 00:03:55,214
Dear God.
105
00:04:07,945 --> 00:04:10,445
30 ROCK
S06 Ep 11 - Standards and Practices
106
00:04:10,485 --> 00:04:13,585
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
107
00:04:13,650 --> 00:04:16,035
I'm a very
powerful man, Brock.
108
00:04:16,069 --> 00:04:17,737
Little league tryouts
are coming soon.
109
00:04:17,771 --> 00:04:19,872
How would you like
to wind up on a team with...
110
00:04:19,906 --> 00:04:22,324
None of your friends?
111
00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:24,660
It was her idea!
She made me do it!
112
00:04:24,711 --> 00:04:26,996
Brock just
sold you out, Ava.
113
00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:32,368
What are you
doing to Molly?
114
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,804
She already had to
live through world war ii.
115
00:04:34,838 --> 00:04:36,338
Brock said it was
all your idea.
116
00:04:36,389 --> 00:04:38,307
No, it was her idea.
117
00:04:38,341 --> 00:04:39,508
She's just so cool.
118
00:04:39,559 --> 00:04:41,143
Like a human silly band!
119
00:04:41,178 --> 00:04:43,429
Who?
Who's a human silly band?
120
00:04:43,463 --> 00:04:44,680
I'm tall enough now
121
00:04:44,731 --> 00:04:45,981
that there isn't
a roller coaster in the world
122
00:04:46,016 --> 00:04:46,982
I can't go on.
123
00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:48,400
So...
124
00:04:48,435 --> 00:04:51,103
You guys drink beer.
125
00:04:51,137 --> 00:04:54,340
Or are you babies?
126
00:04:54,374 --> 00:04:56,358
Jack versus Kaylie,
round two,
127
00:04:56,409 --> 00:04:58,160
colon...
128
00:04:58,195 --> 00:05:00,162
No subtitle necessary.
129
00:05:00,197 --> 00:05:02,915
Mommy announcement.
130
00:05:02,949 --> 00:05:04,283
I hope we're all waxed,
131
00:05:04,317 --> 00:05:05,751
because you're coming with me
to my interview tonight
132
00:05:05,786 --> 00:05:09,421
for Barbara Walters'
10 most overexposed people.
133
00:05:09,456 --> 00:05:12,508
Barbara Walters!
134
00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:14,794
Okay, so, let me just quickly
identify everyone's good sides.
135
00:05:14,828 --> 00:05:16,712
Left, left, right,
136
00:05:16,763 --> 00:05:19,682
right, left...
137
00:05:19,716 --> 00:05:22,384
Judy. That's not really
on message.
138
00:05:22,435 --> 00:05:23,669
Look, I didn't
call the donation center
139
00:05:23,687 --> 00:05:24,970
to be on TV, Jenna.
140
00:05:25,004 --> 00:05:28,524
I wanted to go get a cup
of coffee and get to know you.
141
00:05:28,558 --> 00:05:29,725
If you want
to get to know me,
142
00:05:29,776 --> 00:05:32,862
read my 2006 interview
in AmTrak magazine.
143
00:05:32,896 --> 00:05:36,065
If you want to be my daughter,
put on this wig and smile.
144
00:05:36,116 --> 00:05:39,819
There you are, liierz.
145
00:05:39,853 --> 00:05:42,454
Boy, I am still not comfortable
calling you by your first name.
146
00:05:42,489 --> 00:05:44,073
Then again,
you've never been comfortable
147
00:05:44,124 --> 00:05:45,708
calling me by my
full Christian name.
148
00:05:45,742 --> 00:05:47,159
Kenneth.
149
00:05:47,193 --> 00:05:50,663
No, "Kenneth" is short
for andromakennethamblesorton.
150
00:05:50,697 --> 00:05:53,999
So, what's up?...
151
00:05:54,033 --> 00:05:55,134
Wait, what is this?
152
00:05:55,168 --> 00:05:57,253
"Additional restrictions
to broadcast standards"?
153
00:05:57,304 --> 00:05:58,554
Yes.
154
00:05:58,588 --> 00:06:00,806
People are pretty upset
about last night.
155
00:06:00,841 --> 00:06:03,092
How can we do "Fart doctor"
without the word "fart"?
156
00:06:03,143 --> 00:06:06,243
I'm surprised
they allow you to say "doctor."
157
00:06:06,442 --> 00:06:09,142
It's so close to "gynecologist"
which is disgusting.
158
00:06:12,904 --> 00:06:14,904
Have you seen this memo
from Standards?
159
00:06:14,984 --> 00:06:17,784
Kenneth is being a real...
dingbat,
160
00:06:17,869 --> 00:06:19,870
which is now the harshest word
we are allowed to say.
161
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,672
You can blame that
on Kaylie Hooper.
162
00:06:21,706 --> 00:06:23,173
She's the one
who ruined the Kidz finale.
163
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:26,293
Really? What a... dingbat.
164
00:06:26,327 --> 00:06:27,928
Why didn't
I see this coming?
165
00:06:27,963 --> 00:06:30,681
I knew this company
was making me lose my edge.
166
00:06:30,715 --> 00:06:33,767
That's why I hired a Cato
to attack me at random.
167
00:06:33,802 --> 00:06:35,886
Like inspector clouseau.
168
00:06:35,921 --> 00:06:39,106
Cato?
169
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,191
Don't attack me
tonight, okay?
170
00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:43,444
I know I told you that
when I say, "don't attack me,"
171
00:06:43,478 --> 00:06:44,812
that's when I most
need you to attack me,
172
00:06:44,846 --> 00:06:47,765
but I'm serious.
173
00:06:47,799 --> 00:06:50,718
Cato?
174
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,871
Excellent, Cato,
excellent!
175
00:06:53,905 --> 00:06:56,407
Did Kaylie really think
I wouldn't figure this out?
176
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,459
No, she knew I would.
177
00:06:58,493 --> 00:06:59,460
So, she's going to
be ready for me.
178
00:06:59,494 --> 00:07:01,245
Good.
I like a fair fight.
179
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,964
Okay, she is
just a teenage girl.
180
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:07,334
Lemon, you know very well
that a Nemesis can be anyone...
181
00:07:07,368 --> 00:07:08,719
Or anything.
182
00:07:10,088 --> 00:07:11,505
Autocorrect.
183
00:07:11,539 --> 00:07:13,490
I was trying to say
"pen organizer."
184
00:07:16,323 --> 00:07:18,423
God!
You're a winter!
185
00:07:18,732 --> 00:07:20,833
I don't know
what that means.
186
00:07:20,867 --> 00:07:23,753
Why are there only six chairs
out there? There's seven of us.
187
00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:27,673
No. One of us will
have to sit out the interview.
188
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:30,176
I'm just gonna choose at random
who it's gonna be.
189
00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:35,147
Eenie-meenie-miney-moe,
out goes ♪ y-o-u
190
00:07:35,182 --> 00:07:36,933
- I'm sorry, Judy.
- Bye, Judy.
191
00:07:38,602 --> 00:07:40,886
Could've just gotten
another chair.
192
00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:43,673
Who is it?
193
00:07:43,707 --> 00:07:45,524
Sweetie, it's Pop-Pop.
194
00:07:45,559 --> 00:07:48,811
I came back from D.C. early,
and I lost my darn key.
195
00:07:48,862 --> 00:07:52,048
What a world.
196
00:07:52,082 --> 00:07:54,116
Surprise.
197
00:07:54,151 --> 00:07:57,570
I'm very good at voices, Kaylie.
198
00:07:57,604 --> 00:07:59,789
I'm very good.
199
00:07:59,823 --> 00:08:01,374
I know what you did.
200
00:08:01,408 --> 00:08:03,776
And you had to assume
I'd break Brock and Ava,
201
00:08:03,794 --> 00:08:04,994
so, you're ready for this,
202
00:08:05,045 --> 00:08:06,495
but here's what
you weren't counting on...
203
00:08:06,546 --> 00:08:07,964
This has nothing
to do with you!
204
00:08:07,998 --> 00:08:09,465
I just had to get
Pop-Pop out of town
205
00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:11,183
because I am
in so much trouble!
206
00:08:11,218 --> 00:08:13,219
Henry and his friends had to go
to the King of Prussia mall
207
00:08:13,253 --> 00:08:14,754
last Thursday night
'cause it was a half day,
208
00:08:14,788 --> 00:08:16,455
and I couldn't go
'cause I had piano,
209
00:08:16,473 --> 00:08:17,623
and my friend Vickie,
well,
210
00:08:17,641 --> 00:08:19,392
she said she got grounded
'cause she went
211
00:08:19,426 --> 00:08:20,843
to some highlighter party
with Dylan
212
00:08:20,894 --> 00:08:22,294
while his parents
were out of town.
213
00:08:22,312 --> 00:08:24,180
Okay, hang on.
Calm down.
214
00:08:24,231 --> 00:08:26,315
And then fat Vickie
saw her there,
215
00:08:26,350 --> 00:08:28,734
so I called her,
and Henry answered her phone
216
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,269
because he had
Vickie's phone!
217
00:08:30,303 --> 00:08:31,470
Wait, which Vickie?
Fat Vickie?
218
00:08:31,488 --> 00:08:32,471
Vickie P.
Are you even listening to me?
219
00:08:32,489 --> 00:08:34,807
- Okay.
- God!
220
00:08:34,825 --> 00:08:36,242
Vickie used to be
my best friend.
221
00:08:36,276 --> 00:08:38,995
I had her youface password,
so I logged onto her account,
222
00:08:39,029 --> 00:08:40,279
and posted
all these photos
223
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:41,497
with "I am a slut"
written on her forehead,
224
00:08:41,531 --> 00:08:43,432
and then school found out,
so now my life is over!
225
00:08:43,467 --> 00:08:44,917
Please!
226
00:08:44,951 --> 00:08:46,985
What does this have to do
with sabotaging me?
227
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,587
This has nothing
to do with you!
228
00:08:48,622 --> 00:08:49,955
I messed up the show
to make sure
229
00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:51,657
Pop-Pop wouldn't come back
to Philadelphia with me,
230
00:08:51,675 --> 00:08:53,342
'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying
to kick me out of school,
231
00:08:53,377 --> 00:08:55,177
and if Pop-Pop comes
to the teacher conference,
232
00:08:55,212 --> 00:08:56,796
well, then,
he'll let them expel me,
233
00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:59,832
and I'll have to go to some
school in the middle of nowhere,
234
00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:02,835
and then I might as well
be dead!
235
00:09:02,853 --> 00:09:04,503
Wait, where are
your parents?
236
00:09:04,521 --> 00:09:06,171
Who knows?
237
00:09:06,189 --> 00:09:08,891
My mom is in Indonesia
visiting her charity
238
00:09:08,942 --> 00:09:11,310
where poor children
make shoes.
239
00:09:11,344 --> 00:09:12,311
Isn't that
just a sweat shop?
240
00:09:12,345 --> 00:09:14,146
I know!
241
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:16,032
And then my dad put
a Porsche engine in a model T
242
00:09:16,066 --> 00:09:17,850
and drove it to Mardi Gras!
243
00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:20,569
I know what it's like
not to have your parents around.
244
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:23,188
I once took
a log with googly eyes
245
00:09:23,206 --> 00:09:25,157
to a father-son picnic.
246
00:09:25,191 --> 00:09:27,359
But, uh,
who's going to take you
247
00:09:27,377 --> 00:09:29,194
to this parent-teacher
conference?
248
00:09:29,212 --> 00:09:30,713
I don't know.
249
00:09:30,747 --> 00:09:32,698
I have nobody!
250
00:09:32,716 --> 00:09:34,467
I wanna die!
251
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:40,589
Do you have a second,
Kenneth?
252
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,758
No, there's only one of me.
What? What are you asking?
253
00:09:42,809 --> 00:09:43,876
Look, we have
a show tonight.
254
00:09:43,894 --> 00:09:46,011
You can't just take away
all these words
255
00:09:46,045 --> 00:09:47,680
we've been using
for the past six years.
256
00:09:47,714 --> 00:09:49,014
That reminds me.
257
00:09:49,048 --> 00:09:51,817
You can't say "using" on TV.
It implies drug use.
258
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:55,122
We're saying
whatever we want.
259
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:59,057
No, you can't.
260
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,726
That's an order.
261
00:10:00,744 --> 00:10:02,394
I stole that speech
from an episode JAG,
262
00:10:02,412 --> 00:10:03,395
but it applies here.
263
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:04,897
Are you kidding me?
264
00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:06,115
Last week you were a page,
265
00:10:06,166 --> 00:10:07,366
now you're telling me
how to run my show?
266
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,568
Well, I am arguing
back at you.
267
00:10:09,586 --> 00:10:11,670
I have enough crap to deal
with around here, Kenneth...
268
00:10:11,705 --> 00:10:14,123
I'm interrupting you
'cause I'm good at arguing!
269
00:10:14,174 --> 00:10:15,791
I don't need you
to make my life worse.
270
00:10:15,842 --> 00:10:18,561
I am responding,
I am matching your tone,
271
00:10:18,595 --> 00:10:20,012
and making my own point.
272
00:10:20,046 --> 00:10:23,248
You know what, Kenneth?
Fine. You win.
273
00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:27,269
But as we saw
the other night on Kidz,
274
00:10:27,304 --> 00:10:30,389
anything can happen
on live TV.
275
00:10:30,423 --> 00:10:32,090
- Right, Tracy?
- What?
276
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,726
I'm just saying, Tray,
277
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,444
you're very unpredictable.
278
00:10:35,479 --> 00:10:37,313
And we'll write
clean sketches,
279
00:10:37,364 --> 00:10:39,198
but you might
just do your stand-up act.
280
00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:40,933
- Who knows?
- Okay.
281
00:10:40,951 --> 00:10:43,869
I'm still fasting
because I misread my calendar.
282
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,988
Tomorrow
is my colonoscopy.
283
00:10:46,039 --> 00:10:48,607
Today was my meeting
with Colin o'Scopy.
284
00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:50,376
Therefore, I have no idea
285
00:10:50,410 --> 00:10:54,580
what you're saying,
talking Turkey leg.
286
00:11:07,511 --> 00:11:09,895
Were you
a difficult teenager?
287
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:14,483
Well, I was voted
head of the PTA, so no.
288
00:11:14,518 --> 00:11:16,685
I'm accustomed to dealing
with difficult people, Lemon,
289
00:11:16,736 --> 00:11:19,855
but teenage girls, ugh...
290
00:11:19,906 --> 00:11:21,106
Are a puzzle.
291
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:24,360
Yes, how was your meeting
with your Nemesis?
292
00:11:24,411 --> 00:11:26,529
I volunteered
to accompany Kaylie
293
00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,414
to a parent-teacher conference
at her school.
294
00:11:28,448 --> 00:11:30,366
- What? Why?
- It's complicated.
295
00:11:30,417 --> 00:11:32,117
The point is, and I never
thought I'd say this,
296
00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:35,087
I actually feel badly
for Kaylie.
297
00:11:35,121 --> 00:11:36,705
On the other hand,
I know full well
298
00:11:36,756 --> 00:11:38,624
that this is
an opportunity to destroy her.
299
00:11:38,658 --> 00:11:39,925
I could get her expelled,
300
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,927
sent off to some
second-rate boarding school,
301
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:45,347
then on to that last bastion
of the incompetent rich,
302
00:11:45,382 --> 00:11:46,715
USC.
303
00:11:46,766 --> 00:11:48,934
I don't know, Jack,
you should stay out of this.
304
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,102
No, I could
help this girl.
305
00:11:50,136 --> 00:11:52,521
Or destroy this monster.
306
00:11:52,556 --> 00:11:55,024
If I could just tell whether
she's vicious or vulnerable.
307
00:11:55,058 --> 00:11:56,942
That's the problem.
She's a teenage girl.
308
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,727
She's vicious
and vulnerable.
309
00:11:58,778 --> 00:12:00,279
She might be
completely lying,
310
00:12:00,313 --> 00:12:02,731
like when I was 15
and told everyone at my school
311
00:12:02,782 --> 00:12:04,116
that I'd already
gotten my period,
312
00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:06,402
or she could be
in real trouble,
313
00:12:06,453 --> 00:12:08,871
like when I was 17,
and finally got my period
314
00:12:08,905 --> 00:12:12,858
at a very loosely supervised
petting zoo.
315
00:12:12,876 --> 00:12:14,243
Once again, Lemon,
I leave your office
316
00:12:14,294 --> 00:12:15,911
more confused
than when I entered,
317
00:12:15,962 --> 00:12:19,215
but having glimpsed yet another
tile in the rich mosaic
318
00:12:19,249 --> 00:12:24,169
that is your
menstrual history.
319
00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:26,639
So bravo wants to do
a reality show about us,
320
00:12:26,673 --> 00:12:28,206
and I thought
the opening credits
321
00:12:28,225 --> 00:12:30,142
could be all of us
in a giant dog bed,
322
00:12:30,176 --> 00:12:31,310
and you guys are suckling
323
00:12:31,344 --> 00:12:34,096
on prosthetic dog teats
that I'm wearing.
324
00:12:34,147 --> 00:12:36,232
Actually,
we had a different idea.
325
00:12:36,266 --> 00:12:37,650
Now that Judy's gone,
326
00:12:37,684 --> 00:12:39,768
it's kind of obvious
someone is the odd person out.
327
00:12:39,819 --> 00:12:41,103
It's Jerome, right?
328
00:12:41,154 --> 00:12:42,404
I didn't want
to say anything
329
00:12:42,439 --> 00:12:43,606
'cause I was trying
to be a good mother,
330
00:12:43,657 --> 00:12:45,324
but you're cheesy,
and everyone hates you.
331
00:12:45,358 --> 00:12:46,909
No, Jenna, you.
332
00:12:46,943 --> 00:12:49,028
You're so much older
than the rest of us,
333
00:12:49,062 --> 00:12:50,412
so we're thinking
the show is more like
334
00:12:50,447 --> 00:12:51,747
The girls next door,
335
00:12:51,781 --> 00:12:54,700
and you're that old boat captain
that shows up sometimes.
336
00:12:54,734 --> 00:12:56,368
That's Hugh Hefner,
Jessica.
337
00:12:56,402 --> 00:12:58,520
Yeah, we have no idea
who that is,
338
00:12:58,555 --> 00:13:00,256
so you're kind of
just proving our point.
339
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:04,126
I see.
340
00:13:04,177 --> 00:13:08,130
Very well.
341
00:13:12,886 --> 00:13:17,222
Looking for this?
342
00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:19,558
Well played.
343
00:13:39,379 --> 00:13:41,380
Dude, what's up?
344
00:13:41,414 --> 00:13:44,750
I'm just having
a bad day, sir.
345
00:13:44,784 --> 00:13:49,388
All right, bro-bro,
let's just be cool,
346
00:13:49,422 --> 00:13:52,925
and sit down and pee in silence,
like dudes do.
347
00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:55,627
It's just...
I started a new job,
348
00:13:55,645 --> 00:13:57,796
and it's stressful enough
349
00:13:57,814 --> 00:14:01,150
just having my own wastebasket
that I have to fill every day
350
00:14:01,184 --> 00:14:03,301
without Liz Lemon
yelling at me,
351
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,238
and I just wish
I had never been born!
352
00:14:07,607 --> 00:14:10,142
'Cause if I can't even
get my friend Liz...
353
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,277
At least I thought
she was my friend...
354
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:13,912
To respect me,
how will I ever run a network
355
00:14:13,947 --> 00:14:17,950
and boss around
those Jewish executives
356
00:14:17,984 --> 00:14:20,652
that were trained
from birth to argue?
357
00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:22,705
So, I should just
give Liz what she wants,
358
00:14:22,756 --> 00:14:23,956
and quit.
359
00:14:23,990 --> 00:14:25,657
Bro...
360
00:14:25,675 --> 00:14:29,327
You should just smack
that Liz in the mouth.
361
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:31,113
Sorry I babbled
so much.
362
00:14:31,147 --> 00:14:32,598
Thanks for listening.
363
00:14:32,632 --> 00:14:34,600
I'm Kenneth, by the way.
364
00:14:34,634 --> 00:14:36,835
Me too. I'm Kenneth.
365
00:14:36,853 --> 00:14:39,171
Kenneth... uh...
366
00:14:39,189 --> 00:14:41,523
Toilethole.
367
00:14:44,389 --> 00:14:46,489
I'm so sorry Dr. Melvoin.
368
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:49,345
You know, I already apologized
to Vickie, and to fat Vickie.
369
00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:51,463
Fat Vickie's parents
were very upset
370
00:14:51,482 --> 00:14:52,982
that she was dragged
into this mess.
371
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,318
I know.
I know what I did was stupid,
372
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,320
and I've really learned
my lesson.
373
00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,056
Look, if I could
go back in time,
374
00:15:00,074 --> 00:15:01,991
I'd just...
I'd skip clarinet,
375
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,893
and I'd go to the spring
football with my friends,
376
00:15:03,911 --> 00:15:06,112
and none of this
ever would've happened.
377
00:15:06,163 --> 00:15:08,498
Or you simply could have
not posted those pictures.
378
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:10,066
On hot Vickie's
youface page, miss Hooper.
379
00:15:10,084 --> 00:15:11,534
Hold on, Melvoin.
380
00:15:11,568 --> 00:15:13,369
You told me
it was the piano,
381
00:15:13,403 --> 00:15:15,872
and that everyone went
to the King of Prussia mall.
382
00:15:15,906 --> 00:15:19,676
Well...
383
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,011
I don't remember.
384
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,464
And I'm just
so emotional right now.
385
00:15:32,439 --> 00:15:33,973
I'm sorry, how are you
related to miss Hooper?
386
00:15:34,024 --> 00:15:36,092
I'm her Nemesis.
387
00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:37,360
You bastard.
388
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,529
Don't do this, Donaghy.
389
00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:40,780
I think that this school
390
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,565
has done everything it can
for Kaylie,
391
00:15:42,599 --> 00:15:46,286
but the only fitting
punishment...
392
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,704
Is expulsion.
393
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:50,156
It's days like this
that remind me
394
00:15:50,207 --> 00:15:52,492
why I got into teaching
in the first place.
395
00:15:57,214 --> 00:15:59,132
Kenneth,
we need to talk.
396
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,834
I don't know,
'cause someone
397
00:16:00,885 --> 00:16:02,302
who actually cares
about my feelings
398
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:03,887
told me to smack you
in the mouth.
399
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,339
No, don't listen
to Kenneth Toilethole.
400
00:16:06,390 --> 00:16:08,675
- You know him?
- Yeah. He's great.
401
00:16:08,726 --> 00:16:11,511
We should all go
get dinner sometime.
402
00:16:11,562 --> 00:16:13,680
Kenneth,
you can do this job,
403
00:16:13,731 --> 00:16:16,099
and I do respect you.
404
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,734
Then wash my feet
with your hair.
405
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:20,186
No! But I did completely
rewrite the show.
406
00:16:20,237 --> 00:16:23,573
We're not even using
the word "dingbat," Mr. Parcell.
407
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,309
A Parcell man
has never been called "mister"
408
00:16:26,327 --> 00:16:28,411
outside of
an execution chamber.
409
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:30,246
Boy.
410
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,536
The blonde ones,
they turned on me.
411
00:16:36,587 --> 00:16:39,205
They threw me away like
I was some kind of Judy.
412
00:16:39,256 --> 00:16:41,591
Oh, God.
Is this how Judy felt?
413
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,459
Judy was nice and sweet
414
00:16:43,493 --> 00:16:45,995
and wanted to get
a coffee enema or something,
415
00:16:46,013 --> 00:16:48,097
and I treated her
like garbage.
416
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,849
Well, then why don't you
apologize to her?
417
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,050
She's right behind you.
418
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:57,056
Judy,
you're so beautiful now!
419
00:16:59,610 --> 00:17:02,028
I just came to say good-bye
before I head home.
420
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:03,730
I wish we had spent
more time together,
421
00:17:03,781 --> 00:17:05,782
but I guess I'll see you
on TV.
422
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,183
No.
Of all my children,
423
00:17:07,201 --> 00:17:08,184
you're the only one
that proves
424
00:17:08,202 --> 00:17:09,652
there's any good in me.
425
00:17:09,686 --> 00:17:10,737
Forget TV.
426
00:17:10,788 --> 00:17:12,705
Let's go get
that coffee now.
427
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:15,074
No. You know
you can't do that.
428
00:17:15,125 --> 00:17:17,827
One minute to air.
One minute.
429
00:17:17,861 --> 00:17:19,495
I have to stop Jenna
from leaving. You just...
430
00:17:19,529 --> 00:17:20,747
No problem.
I'll cover.
431
00:17:20,798 --> 00:17:21,998
Day two of my fast,
and you were right.
432
00:17:22,032 --> 00:17:24,500
My mind is clear,
and I'm sharp as a tack.
433
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:25,668
Great, Tray, thanks.
434
00:17:25,702 --> 00:17:26,970
My brain is working
overtime.
435
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,222
I finally understand the ending
of The sixth sense.
436
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:31,591
Those names are the people
who worked on the movie.
437
00:17:31,642 --> 00:17:32,892
Yeah, and I just got
438
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,510
what you were trying
to tell me yesterday.
439
00:17:34,544 --> 00:17:36,512
You want me to do
my filthy stand-up act
440
00:17:36,546 --> 00:17:39,182
instead of reading
the cue cards.
441
00:17:39,216 --> 00:17:40,216
No.
442
00:17:42,403 --> 00:17:43,653
Jack! Help!
443
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,939
I was right about Kaylie,
and I crushed her.
444
00:17:45,990 --> 00:17:47,106
That's great.
I need...
445
00:17:47,157 --> 00:17:48,391
The whole time,
she was playing me,
446
00:17:48,409 --> 00:17:50,076
but in the end, she made
the biggest mistake.
447
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,494
She could not have been worse
in that meeting
448
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:54,747
than if she had
wanted me to...
449
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,332
Son of a dingbat!
450
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,403
Tracy's gonna do
his stand-up act on the show!
451
00:18:00,421 --> 00:18:03,172
What are we gonna do?
452
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:06,075
I'm gonna live bleep him.
453
00:18:06,093 --> 00:18:10,179
Normally, I'd have to get
permission from Irene first,
454
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,382
but there isn't time.
455
00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:25,812
You know why I love
Dominican women?
456
00:18:25,863 --> 00:18:28,498
'Cause they love to
those big
457
00:18:28,532 --> 00:18:30,650
'Cause they eat all our
aloud.
458
00:18:30,701 --> 00:18:33,236
I'd like to introduce
housed in a
459
00:18:33,270 --> 00:18:35,154
[Bleep], booooy!
460
00:18:35,205 --> 00:18:38,074
You just ate a
with extra?
461
00:18:38,108 --> 00:18:39,575
Well, you called
the right.
462
00:18:39,609 --> 00:18:41,127
That's our show
for tonight!
463
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:44,330
See you next week!
464
00:18:44,381 --> 00:18:47,166
- That was amazing!
- It sure was.
465
00:18:47,217 --> 00:18:49,335
Kenneth,
I'm Gaylord Felcher.
466
00:18:49,386 --> 00:18:50,720
The head of Standards?
467
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,638
I have never seen
bleeping like that,
468
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:53,956
so guess what?
469
00:18:53,974 --> 00:18:55,725
I'm promoting you,
you little -face.
470
00:18:55,759 --> 00:18:58,094
All right, Felcher, you don't
have to talk like that.
471
00:18:58,112 --> 00:18:59,479
Well, who's gonna stop me?
472
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:03,166
Who among you has the power
to censor the censor?
473
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,741
What a surprise.
474
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:14,443
Whatever are you doing here,
Kaylie Hooper?
475
00:19:14,461 --> 00:19:17,413
Enjoying my total lack
of adult supervision.
476
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:20,083
I just had fruit roll-ups
for dinner...
477
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:23,086
At a strip club.
478
00:19:24,471 --> 00:19:27,256
Do you wanted to get expelled
from school, didn't you?
479
00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:29,509
Look who figured it out.
480
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,344
It only took you,
oh, I don't know,
481
00:19:31,395 --> 00:19:32,962
a million hours.
482
00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:35,982
You didn't lie to me
about getting sent to school
483
00:19:36,016 --> 00:19:37,183
in the "Middle of nowhere."
484
00:19:37,234 --> 00:19:38,801
What I realized too late is,
485
00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:41,187
you were talking
about Beekman Academy,
486
00:19:41,238 --> 00:19:42,355
right here in Manhattan,
487
00:19:42,406 --> 00:19:44,107
in the neighborhood
North of ware street,
488
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,909
otherwise known as,
uh, "noware."
489
00:19:46,944 --> 00:19:49,812
Now I'll be able to be close
to my boyfriend Henry.
490
00:19:49,830 --> 00:19:52,148
Like hot Vickie could
ever steal him from me.
491
00:19:52,166 --> 00:19:55,585
He's going to NYU.
To study acting.
492
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:57,920
If Pop-Pop had gone
to that meeting,
493
00:19:57,955 --> 00:19:58,921
he would have just
written a check
494
00:19:58,956 --> 00:20:00,489
and made it all go away.
495
00:20:00,507 --> 00:20:03,376
You needed somebody
to throw you under the bus.
496
00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:04,994
You needed a patsy.
497
00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:09,682
I, uh, couldn't
help but notice
498
00:20:09,716 --> 00:20:12,685
that lacrosse ball
in your backpack.
499
00:20:12,719 --> 00:20:14,854
Too bad I'm on the board of
the Central Park conservancy,
500
00:20:14,888 --> 00:20:18,107
so beekman won't have a field
to play on next year.
501
00:20:18,142 --> 00:20:21,077
Well, good, 'cause I planted
that lacrosse ball there
502
00:20:21,111 --> 00:20:23,980
to get back at a girl I hate
who plays lacrosse.
503
00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:25,982
Her name is Jack... ie.
504
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:28,985
Jackie... officecouch.
505
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,686
Damn you, Donaghy!
506
00:20:35,358 --> 00:20:36,909
Cato? Seriously,
not tonight.
507
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:37,910
I mean it this time.
508
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,030
Son of a dingbat!
509
00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:46,304
Sorry.
That phone call took forever.
510
00:20:46,338 --> 00:20:47,488
Where's Kenneth Toilethole?
511
00:20:47,522 --> 00:20:48,990
You just missed him.
512
00:20:49,024 --> 00:20:50,024
Again.
513
00:20:50,058 --> 00:20:52,443
He had to go
to the bathroom.
514
00:20:52,494 --> 00:20:54,078
You know what?
I'll go get him.
515
00:20:54,112 --> 00:20:55,496
No, don't!
516
00:20:55,530 --> 00:20:59,116
Every time one of you leaves,
the other one comes back.
517
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:02,169
You know,
I'm starting to suspect
518
00:21:02,204 --> 00:21:04,955
that I have bad luck.
519
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,315
Dude, bro, where's Liz?
520
00:21:08,375 --> 00:21:11,164
You didn't see her?
She just left.
521
00:21:11,165 --> 00:21:13,265
I gotta go feed the meter.
522
00:21:15,502 --> 00:21:19,002
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
38393
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