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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Merry almost Christmas, everybody.
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00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:10,510
I have some great news. We are all getting--
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Frozen steaks!
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00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:12,579
iPod Nothings!
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00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:13,613
Colorful sweaters!
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Nope. Better.
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We are getting to participate in a
charity program called "Letters to Santa".
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No, this is great.
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The Post Office collects letters
that poor children write to Santa
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00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:27,961
and then we go buy them what they ask for.
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Look, we already did our
Christmas charity work.
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Everybody here chipped in to get Sue a bra.
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Nice!
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Much better!
- Sweet!
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Come on, nobody but me's gonna do this?
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Well, I for one
think it's a great idea
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00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:42,876
because Christmas is a time of giving.
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Ugh!
20
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Are you drunk?
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On "The Spirit of Christmas".
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It's this cheap, high-proof brandy I found.
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I hope it's not seasonal.
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I'll take one, Miss Lemon.
I love helping people less fortunate than me.
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Where do you find them?
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There are these Nigerians
on the internet that help me.
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Listen to this.
"Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins.
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I would like some new shoes
so I can walk to school.
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00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,868
My dream is to be a doctor someday --"
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That kid's never gonna be a doctor.
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Better buy it a jet ski.
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This is what the holidays are all about.
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Merry Christmas, everyone!
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Hello?
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I'm free, Lemon.
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Where are you? I hear sunshine.
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I ducked down to Florida for a
surprise early Christmas.
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I showed up three days early,
showered my mom with gifts.
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She called them all adequate.
It's a Christmas miracle!
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Well, I'm glad to hear it went well.
Tell Colleen I said hi.
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I wish I could but she's out for her morning walk.
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And I'm off to have a real Christmas.
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Fly to Rio, tan in the nude,
bet on some monkey wrestling.
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Just like Norman Rockwell always drew it.
Well, have a good flight.
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I could fly there without a plane.
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Mother!
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Hey, Toofer, can I buy a kid FUBU?
Is that a swear word?
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Okay, while FUBU is not in itself profane,
I do think that--
49
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Thank you.
50
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Lemon --
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What are you doing here?
Why aren't you in Rio?
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I hit her. Colleen. I hit her with my car.
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What?! Oh my God! Is she --
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She's fine. She's better than fine.
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They're giving her a titanium hip.
Like the Terminator.
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It's only going to make her more powerful!
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Well, are you okay?
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How can I be? She's here, now, in my home.
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Some quack doctor strongly
recommended she be around family.
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Oh, ho, oh, and Colleen didn't miss that one.
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Yes, mother...
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Well, why don't you try taking one of the
many blankets off you if you're feeling hot.
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Yes, I know. It is hard. Life is hard.
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No I wasn't! I was just scratching my head.
What!
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If you need something
just call down to the doorman.
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Yes, he does speak English, mother.
Jamaican people speak Eng--
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She hung up.
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I had to cancel my trip.
There's nothing going on at work.
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Everyone I know is away for the holidays.
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It's just me and Colleen. All alone.
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Lemon, one of her suitcases was just wigs.
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Look, I'm not doing my usual thing
either this year.
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Do you want me to come over later,
and say hi to your mom?
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Would you, please?
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Yeah, sure. I'll entertain her.
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You know, I was just thinking
in the shower this morning,
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00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,344
what if Saint Nick was Nic Cage?
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'Cause it might go, a little something, like this--
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Toofer! Toofer, my man! How's tricks?
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Ho, ho, ho...
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Nah, that sounds more like Joan Rivers.
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Hey are you almost done?
We need to get out of here --
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-- before someone recognizes me.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have to get
stocking stuffers. And stockings!
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Wait, what is all of this?
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You have video games in here,
and sports equipment, a T.V.!
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We-- I just want to make sure that DeShante,
age nine, and Marcus, age five,
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have a wonderful Christmas.
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Are you really gonna wrap all these presents?
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Of course I'm going to wrap them,
because that's what you do on Christmas.
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What you don't do is call your daughter
on December 22nd
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and tell her that you don't really feel
that you're up to hosting Christmas this year
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because she's 38 and you thought that
she'd have her "own family" by now.
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And that instead, you're going to a
couples-only retreat in Arizona,
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the theme of which is "Sexy at 70".
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00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,235
Oh, no.
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00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:05,238
Liz, you've never missed Christmas
with your family.
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00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:09,008
I know. But I have a new family, the Glovers.
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00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:12,845
And I am getting them all these
rapping Santas!
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Oh, oh well. I kind of assumed they would rap
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which is racist on my part,
but still, best Christmas ever!
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You're welcome, Glovers.
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Mother, what is so urgent that you
could not wait until
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I came back from the front door?
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I need my other bell!
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We agreed. One by the bed --
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-- and one by the toilet.
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Hello.
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Oh Liz... hello there.
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So good of you to come see me.
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Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.
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Oh, Liz, I'm so glad you're here.
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I want you to know and believe
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that what happened to me in Florida
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was an accident.
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My son, Jackie,
did not run me over on purpose.
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Case closed.
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00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:05,932
And I don't want to hear another word about it.
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00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:09,235
Mother, of course it was an accident,
no one is saying otherwise.
120
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The real tragedy is that the accident
broke of course,
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the Cartier watch
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that Jackie gave me early
this year for Christmas.
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Ho, ho, ho.
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It's not a Cartier, it's Chopard.
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Yes, of course, Chopard.
Not the Cartier watch
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that I wanted.
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00:06:26,819 --> 00:06:29,014
Uh, Liz, uh, could I speak with you
for a second, please?
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I can't do this.
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00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,928
I know, it's stressful.
The holidays are always stressful.
130
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It's not just that.
131
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:38,831
Well, you're mother's hurt, and you love her.
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Do I? Do I, Lemon?
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I waited eight minutes.
134
00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:43,202
What?
135
00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:46,330
After I hit her, before I called 9-1-1
I sat in my car for eight minutes.
136
00:06:52,378 --> 00:06:53,813
What kind of son does that to his mother?
137
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:54,914
Jack, you were in shock.
138
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,383
You froze. It happens.
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It was an accident.
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It was an accident, right?
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00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,688
Hey!
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00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:05,657
What are you two girls whispering about?!
143
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,530
What are you all still doing here?
144
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:13,433
Lutz looked it up, but if we stay until noon,
it counts as a work week.
145
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,035
And NBC has to pay
for our cabs to the airport.
146
00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:19,172
Tracy, you made $300 million this year.
147
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:22,198
And I'm not going
anywhere for Christmas.
148
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:25,244
Miss Lemon,
you really outdid yourself.
149
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:26,913
Those are gonna be the happiest poor kids
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00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:29,182
since my brother and I
went to Neverland Ranch.
151
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:32,552
She went overboard because her family's
not exchanging gifts this year.
152
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:35,555
Holy Buddha, who likes Christmas?
153
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:37,256
It's gonna cost you a fortune to ship all this.
154
00:07:37,256 --> 00:07:38,891
Oh, no, I'm takin' it up there personally.
155
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:42,088
I want to see DeShante and Marcus' faces
light up when they get it.
156
00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:47,934
Anyway, I gotta take this up to 245th Street
and Lawrence Taylor Boulevard.
157
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:51,571
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:54,006
I will not not let you go
into that neighborhood alone.
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00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:55,875
In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo --
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00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:56,909
Kwanzaa.
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00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:59,645
And Shalam-Shizzam to you too, my Sister.
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00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:00,713
We'll go with you uptown.
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00:08:00,713 --> 00:08:05,885
And remember, Dot Com, you are there
to protect me, and not Liz Lemon.
164
00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:11,691
Guys, we are outta here in five,
four, three, two...
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00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:12,680
Exciting news, everyone.
166
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:18,125
We are going to put on a live
Christmas Eve Special this year!
167
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,100
This year as in tomorrow this year?
168
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,168
Yes, that's right.
169
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,500
Sadly, it will mean working a lot
of hours over the next couple days.
170
00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:28,369
Being away from our loved ones, our mothers --
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00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:32,612
But we will be part of giving America
the perfect Christmas Eve
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00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,136
It's going to be so worth it!
Now...
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00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,046
Brainstorming session!
Go!
174
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:40,010
I don't want to do this.
175
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:45,382
Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group,
I have to put my foot down.
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00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:49,428
Christmas is a sacred time for me
and my surrogate family.
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00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,665
So if you're willing to look four
25-year-old gay guys in the eyes
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00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:56,202
and tell them that we're not going to see
New Kids on The Block at The Borgata,
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00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,236
be my guest.
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00:08:57,236 --> 00:09:00,106
You are all contractually obligated to participate.
181
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,006
Yes, sir. I never liked that group. Sorry.
182
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:08,180
Jack, this isn't fair.
Don't take your mommy issues out on us.
183
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:10,249
I'm sorry, Lemon,
I'm just tryin' to get through Christmas.
184
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:11,350
And then what?
185
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:12,752
I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine
186
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,321
run by the same French company
that oversaw Napoleon's exile.
187
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:18,119
She will be treated humanely
but there will be no escape.
188
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:19,725
Merry Christmas!
189
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:29,869
Thank you so much
for carrying that,
190
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:31,537
I will buy you
guys dinner later.
191
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,266
Liz, we both have girlfriends.
192
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,236
This is it, 4-D.
193
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,506
Tracy, I am gonna need you to take a picture.
194
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,548
You just push the little button on top.
195
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,540
Thanks a lot. I never operated a camera before.
196
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,279
I'm serious, that was very helpful.
197
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:50,723
Oh... Make sure you get the hug.
198
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,828
Oh... Hi.
199
00:09:55,828 --> 00:09:59,231
I brought these presents as part of
the "Letters to Santa" program --
200
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:01,901
What just happened?
201
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,503
What is the past tense of "scam"?
Is it scrumped?
202
00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:06,835
Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped.
203
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:11,344
Donaghy wants a Santa costume and a Mrs. Claus.
204
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,612
One, two, three, four, five.
205
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:16,649
# J-j-j-j-jingle bell,
J-j-j-j-jingle bell all the way?
206
00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:18,184
# And a one horse open sleigh!?
207
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:21,053
No! Alfonso, I'm on the six, you're on the four.
208
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:22,555
Come on.
One, two, three, four, five.
209
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:25,625
# J-j-j-j-jingle bell,
J-j-j-j-jingle bell all the way?
210
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:29,288
Ah, my little elves at work.
Looking good, gang, looking good.
211
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:31,029
Oh...
212
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:35,534
You do realize we're going
into quadruple overtime.
213
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:39,005
So what? We're giving America
the perfect Christmas, Pete.
214
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:40,700
There are kids out there who never get that.
215
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:42,474
I know I didn't.
216
00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:44,869
Not with Colleen around.
217
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,947
My dad was long gone so every Christmas,
218
00:10:47,947 --> 00:10:50,916
Colleen would bring her "friend"
Mr. Schwarz over for dinner
219
00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:53,653
and she'd make me play songs on the
piano when she would sing to him.
220
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,154
My parents divorced when I was nine --
221
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:56,689
Every year the dreadful moment arrived
222
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:59,592
when I would catch Mr. Schwarz
caressing my mother's bony thigh.
223
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:03,396
And I'd say, "Eyes on the keys, Jackie Boy.
Keep your eyes on the keys..."
224
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,864
And they'd ask me to play "White Christmas"
225
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:07,958
and it would turn into some
boozy, burlesque travesty!
226
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,429
Every time I hear that song I get aroused.
227
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,805
What is wrong with me?
228
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:16,208
I have to go to the prop meeting, now.
229
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:17,766
She's the reason, she's why it happened.
230
00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:20,943
So the overtime...?
231
00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:22,881
Approved!
232
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:24,416
Ah!
233
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:25,684
It's Christmas!
234
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:29,822
Next.
235
00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:34,960
Yes. Finally. Hi. I would like to speak to
whoever screens the "Letters to Santa".
236
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,655
Then you better talk to that box.
237
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,899
We-uh, maybe you can help me -- Tren�.
238
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:40,900
Irene.
239
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:46,405
Irene, I believe that I was the victim of a scam
perpetrated through the mails. So...
240
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:47,440
There's nothing we can do about that.
241
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,242
I disagree, I think there are
a lot of things we could do.
242
00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:53,345
I would like to access any census information
you have for this address.
243
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:54,380
No.
244
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,816
In addition, I would like to speak
to the letter carrier...
245
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,350
You know we're closin' in five minutes, right?
246
00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:00,086
Who services this zip, plus four.
247
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:01,519
Never gonna happen.
248
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:03,989
Can you help me out with her?
249
00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:07,823
Oh, really? We're both black
so we must know each other --
250
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,096
Hey, Irene!
251
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,397
Hey, Tracy!
252
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,932
Did Vicki hook you up with this job?
253
00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,133
Yes...
254
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,930
Oh, girl, you better stop.
255
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:19,171
Hey, you don't know the
Postmaster General do you?
256
00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:22,108
I do, but we had a falling out
over the Jerry Garcia stamp.
257
00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:24,941
I mean, if I want to lick a hippie I'll just
return Joan Baez's phone calls.
258
00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:27,612
Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?
259
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:29,674
I have no choice. I can't go home.
260
00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:31,584
Come on, you can go home --
261
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,280
No. I can't. Last night we had...
262
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:36,443
an incident.
263
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:39,750
Jackie, sweetheart,
264
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:44,263
can you get this heavy, wool blanket
out from underneath me?
265
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,288
I'm sweating like a grape picker.
266
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:52,561
Come on, put some back into it,
Jacqueline. Ha ha.
267
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,838
My other hip!
268
00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:58,574
I think it was subconscious...
I've had enough.
269
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,347
Fifty years of criticism and
feelings of inadequacy.
270
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,582
Fifty ruined Christmases. I want to be free.
271
00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:04,617
What are you saying?
272
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,018
I can't be alone with her.
273
00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:09,021
You see, Lemon, my mother is a virus
and my body is trying to get rid of her.
274
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:11,257
Good God, she can't know
I'm having these thoughts.
275
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,591
She can't know about the eight minutes.
276
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,616
If she knew, she'd have me arrested,
she's done it before!
277
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:17,127
Hey, the candy canes are for the show.
278
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:21,634
Oh, so how'd it go uptown, Miss Lemon?
279
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:22,635
I'll tell you how it went.
280
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,171
I filed a report with the Better Business Bureau.
281
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:29,699
I'm not going to rest until the
"Letters to Santa" program is shut down.
282
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,578
What is wrong with you?
283
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:35,047
You are being a real Scrooge!
284
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:36,849
It was just two dudes, Kenneth.
285
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:39,885
They scammed me and now they're
selling that stuff on eBay.
286
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:44,824
There were no kids up there and there
definitely weren't any hugs around here.
287
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,959
Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person
288
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:49,860
maybe you should just host "The Price is Right."
289
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,865
I don't believe people would do that,
Miss Lemon.
290
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:56,936
This is a religious holiday,
when has religion ever caused any trouble?
291
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:58,704
Kenneth, you're na�ve.
292
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:01,070
And you're acting like a real C word right now.
293
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,405
That's right, a Cranky Sue.
294
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:08,113
I know in my heart
that children got those presents.
295
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:10,683
They didn't, Kenneth.
I'll prove it to you.
296
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,516
It's dinner break.
Tracy, we're going uptown.
297
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:18,514
All right, I'll call Grizz and Dotcom.
I'm sure they're not doin' anything.
298
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:27,431
No. Dr. Williams said, "boundaries."
299
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,574
Oh, mother, you shouldn't be
exerting yourself like that.
300
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:39,879
I'm sorry that work has kept me
from spending more time with you.
301
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,346
What kind of time, Jackie?
302
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,442
Eight minutes? Maybe?
303
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:47,586
John Francis Donaghy...
304
00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:51,056
How could you? How could you?
305
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:54,326
Waiting eight minutes to call 9-1-1.
306
00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:55,361
I can't believe it!
307
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,629
I don't know what you're talking about, mother,
308
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:57,687
and I've got to get back to work now.
309
00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,253
Exhibit A!
310
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:02,999
Your cell phone bill.
311
00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:06,906
16 AM.
312
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,032
Exhibit B!
313
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:11,644
The watch that my son gave me
for Christmas,
314
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,305
not the one I wanted by the way!
315
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:17,116
You had just set it before it broke of course!
316
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:19,785
When your car rammed into me down in Florida.
317
00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:23,789
And it stopped at 8:08!
318
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:25,518
Exhibit C!
319
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:28,894
Sixteen minus eight is eight!
320
00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:32,022
Numbers, unlike children, don't lie!
321
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,199
What kind of son --
322
00:15:34,199 --> 00:15:35,434
What kind of mother tells her son that
323
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,959
John Kennedy died because he talked in church?
324
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,739
Or tells her son when he's
voted captain of the diving team,
325
00:15:40,739 --> 00:15:43,042
quote, "What a great way to meet guys"?
326
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:44,043
Oh!
327
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:46,378
Or invites strange men over
on Christmas Eve?!
328
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:50,582
Don't turn this around, Jackie!
Don't make this about me!
329
00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:52,851
It's always about you!
330
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:54,586
I am 50 years old.
331
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:56,689
You have ruined every Christmas I've ever had
332
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,724
and I'm not letting you take
this one down too!
333
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:00,859
You're walking away from me!
334
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:02,793
More snow machines!
335
00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:09,234
You see Kenneth, those drawings are
a clue that children live here.
336
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:10,326
Lebowsky out.
337
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:14,163
This bare door is a scam door.
338
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:17,039
No. Children live here, I know it.
339
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:20,006
Get ready to have your little bubble burst.
340
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,676
Come on, Christmas...
Come on, Christmas...
341
00:16:23,615 --> 00:16:24,604
Hello?
342
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:30,180
Oh, my gosh,
are you DeShante and Marcus?
343
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:33,758
And you got the presents?
There are presents under the tree?
344
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,262
I did that! I got that stuff for you!
345
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:39,560
I'm the one who made Christmas happen!
346
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,467
What about Santa?!
347
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:45,170
Daddy, she said there's no Santa Claus!
348
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:46,238
What is wrong with you?!
349
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:48,774
No, I, it's a, I did a good thing.
I got the letter from--
350
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:51,910
Yeah, the letter that said "Dear Santa,"
not "Dear Lonely White Lady."
351
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:52,911
I'm sorry.
352
00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:58,679
Could I offer you tickets to a live Christmas
special in the tradition of Andy Williams.
353
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:04,019
Okay, you were right.
So, yeah, you were right.
354
00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,529
Do you know your mother is here?
355
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,831
I don't care.
I'm trying to produce a Christmas special
356
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:14,662
that makes "It's a Wonderful Life"
look like "Pulp Fiction."
357
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:18,070
Where the hell is Mrs. Claus,
you can't do Christmas Eve without her.
358
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,405
What is wrong with you people?!
359
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:20,939
We're on in 30 seconds.
360
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:22,007
How can we not have Mrs. Claus?
361
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:24,407
I didn't realize you were serious
about that so I cut it --
362
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,678
You can't cut Mrs. Claus!
363
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:29,915
Everyone knows that on Christmas Eve
Mrs. Claus hangs your stockings
364
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,583
and then puts out food for Santa.
365
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:34,177
Then you sing songs around the piano
until she tucks you in.
366
00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:36,455
Did your mother not do that?
367
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:38,824
That's not a thing, Jack.
368
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,225
Yes, it is.
369
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,695
No, Mrs. Claus must have been
something special that Colleen did.
370
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:46,065
Probably to make up for the fact
that your dad wasn't around.
371
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,567
No, Christmas in the Donaghy house was awful.
372
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,770
Have I not told you
about my mom's Yuletide boyfriend,
373
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,740
good old Frederick August Otto Schwarz III?
374
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,909
F.A.O. Schwartz, like the toy store?
375
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,742
His family owned some toy stores. Yes, so what?
376
00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:05,213
Jack, I think your mother "put out" on
Christmas to get you kids presents.
377
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:06,685
She did it for you.
378
00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:09,279
Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.
379
00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:13,154
I know you guys were pretty poor.
Did you have a lot of presents?
380
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:16,195
You couldn't even see the tree!
381
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:19,130
In five, four, three...
382
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:25,104
Our first guest has sung with everyone
from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee.
383
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,332
Cross the piano!
384
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:31,376
Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!
385
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:39,685
# Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
386
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:45,419
# Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
387
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:51,396
# Yuletide carols being sung by a choir?
388
00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:56,602
# And folks dressed up like eskimos?
389
00:18:56,602 --> 00:19:03,175
# Everybody knows a turkey
and some mistle toe?
390
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:06,912
Liz Lemon, I know you're going to be
all alone on Christmas Day.
391
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,815
So if you'd like...
you can spend it with the Jordans.
392
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,350
I'd love to, Tracy.
393
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,385
Good. We'll be over at 2:00.
394
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:14,853
My kids have a peanut allergy,
395
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:16,878
but my dogs only eat steak.
396
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,191
Okay.
397
00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:25,492
# They know that Santa's on his way?
398
00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:32,634
What on earth is the matter with you?
399
00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:35,941
I love you mother and I don't want you to die.
400
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:38,375
I'm never going to, Jackie.
401
00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:45,005
# To see if reindeer really know how to fly?
402
00:19:51,957 --> 00:20:01,333
# And so I'm offering this simple phrase?
403
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:09,841
# To kiss from one to 92?
404
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:12,811
# Although it's been said?
405
00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:17,983
# Many times, many ways?
406
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:21,587
# Merry Christmas?
407
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:25,357
# Merry Christmas?
408
00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:38,670
# Merry Christmas to you?
409
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:40,399
You're flat Jack.
410
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,069
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