All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e16 TGS Hates Women.eng

Wonderful news, non-famouses.

My publicist just called from rehab.

I made the internet.

You're on joanofsnark.com?

- On what?
- Joanofsnark.

It's this really cool
feminist web site

where women talk about
how far we've come

and which celebrities have
the worst beach bodies.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

"Comedy's freshest
female voice."

Take that,
Courtney Thorne-Smith.

That's not about you.

That's about some stand-up
named Abby Flynn.

- Wow.
- Lady.

Pretty nostrils.

How do I find me?

Computer, "Jenna"!

Oh, here's your article.

"Why does 'TGS' hate women?"

What?
How can they say that?

We love women.

With Tracy gone,
our last episode was all Jenna.

This is Amelia Earhart.

I'm almost across the Pacific...

Oh, no.
My period!

[Plane descends]

I'll now take questions.

Oh, no.
My period!

Let's nuke England!

But that is an ironic
reappropriation.

[Sighs]
I don't know anymore.

This started as a show
for women, starring women.

At the very least,
we should be elevating

the way women are perceived
in society.

Oh, my period!

You're all fired!

[Upbeat music]

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Jack.

Do you think I hate women?

Absolutely.
But it's not your fault.

You are genetically predisposed

to compete against other women

for the attention of strong,
powerful men like myself

or others very similar to me.

For example, Hercules,

the highlander, or,
uh...God.

I want to roll my eyes right now,

but the doctor said
if I keep doing it

my ocular muscles might spasm

and eject my eyeballs.

Female jealousy
is an evolutionary fact, Lemon.

If you try to breed
it out of them,

you end up with a lesbian
with hip dysplasia.

You're wrong.
I support women.

I'm like a human bra,

which is why I want
to hire a young comic

named Abby Flynn to come on
as a guest writer.

No, you are not budgeted...

She's got good energy.
Hire her immediately.

See?

I'm not threatened by the fact

that men are attracted to her.

[Chuckles]
Please, Lemon.

It's got nothing
to do with her hot mouth.

Every organization
needs new blood

once in a while.

Like Hank Hooper says
in his book,

"New blood is the lifeblood
of every company's blood."

He's not a strong writer.

Hank Hooper.

Isn't that the guy
who outbid no one for NBC?

Yes, he's the CEO of Kabletown,

but he won't be forever.

And someday, when he steps down,

I intend to succeed him.

Well, believe in yourself
and you will reach your goals.

I read that on a bottle
of women's exercise water.

Ah, it's not so simple.

Kabletown is a family-owned
company.

There is a potential successor,

so to get what I want,

I must find a way to destroy her.

Her?
It's a woman?

Well, not exactly.

Hi, I'm Kaylie Hooper.

I'm 14 years old
and I'm waiting in line

to meet Justin Bieber
'cause he's...

[screaming]

I'm sorry.

Your new rival
is a ninth grade girl?

How old is Hank's wife?

Is it a second marriage?

Why do men always marry
someone younger?

"Because they can, Liz."

Get a grip, Lemon.

Kaylie is Hank Hooper's
granddaughter.

Her parents' generation was lost

to "trust fund kids" disease.

The aunt smokes pot
and "paints."

The father is trying to sail

an inflatable castle
across the Atlantic.

I have to ensure that Kaylie
makes similar choices.

So you're trying to destroy
a 14-year-old?

I am trying to guide
a 14-year-old.

Maybe I could help her realize
some other life goal.

To become a doctor's nurse

or a lawyer's mistress

or even the president
of the United States

Shopping Association.

Wow.
Typical.

Meanwhile, I'm helping women
achieve their potential.

Because potential
is the difference between

what you can't do
and what can't you do.

Did you get that off
of a water bottle?

No, I sent it in,
but Aquafem did not choose it.

Okay.

Word is this Abby Flynn thing
is really happening.

Girl coming!

This is a big opportunity for us.

She does not know
how much we suck.

But she'll find out soon enough.

I mean, how long did it take
the women here?

I don't know.

How long does it take
to see something?

I mean, light travels at
186,000 miles per second, so...

No duh!

Being ourselves doesn't work.

So to have a chance with Abby,

we're creating new identities.

I'm going to be pretend
to be rich.

And I'll be a dangerous bad boy.

[British accent]
And I shall be British.

[Normal voice]
'Cause chicks dig British guys.

Sir Ian McKellen?

That dude must be knee-deep
in boob.

And if you guys don't
go along with this,

Lutz will play Xbox Kinect
with his shirt off again.

Star jump!
I found the chrysalis!

Rich, bad boy, British.
Got it.

- Nice!
- All right!

- Yeah!
- Hey, yeah!

Now, you may have heard
of J. Fred Muggs,

the chimpanzee that was
on The Today Showin the '50s.

But what most people don't know

is that NBC is still a network.

Speaking of television,

is that a field you would
like to go into, Kaylie?

Work with your grandfather?

Mmm.

I agree.

TV is boring.

So do you have a favorite
subject in school, Kaylie?

You don't want
to hear about school.

[Chuckles]
It's dumb.

What you talkin' 'bout, Kaylie?

School's cool.

Just like Justin "Bee-eye-bear."

Well, I've never told anyone
in my family this before,

but my dream is to be
a marine biologist.

My favorite fish
is the cleaner wrasse

and I even tried to get it chosen

as our school mascot,
but, well, I was outvoted.

So our new mascot is a slut.

So you're interested
in marine biology.

Hmm.
Who do I know?

You've probably never heard
of the explorer Bob Ballard.

[Gasps]
You know Dr. Ballard?

He discovered the Titanic,
the Lusitania,

and according to his website,

a guilt-free cheesecake
recipe.

I'm also on the board
of the American Museum

of Natural History.

Ah!

If you like,
I could have Dr. Ballard

give us a private tour
of the museum.

Oh, my gosh!

Mr. Donaghy,
that'd be so cool!

Okay, now, please follow me
to Brian Williams' bathroom,

which is also
J. Fred Muggs' skull.

Okay, guys,
Abby is on her way up.

[British accent]
West ham drew nil-nil at wolves?

Stop that!

Are you guys changing your
personalities for Abby?

Is she here yet?

Subhas, you are married.

Okay, this is exactly
the kind of male douchebaggery

that is about to take
a real hit around here.

Don't you know I'm talkin'
'bout a femolution?

Tracy Chapman.

She's a woman, right?

It's a new era at "TGS."

Let's see the blogosphere
try to say

that I hate women now.

[Gasps]

Look at all these dudes!

I knew I smelled sausage.

Yes!

Abby?
I'm Liz.

Liz!

Thank you!
Oh!

Our nips just touched.

[Giggles]
Mine are so hard.

Mine are different sizes.

Abby, these are the writers.

Oh, where's little Abby
gonna sit?

Guess I'll have to sit
on somebody's lap.

You could sit there.

- Eenie...
- Please God.

- Meenie...
- Come to mommy.

- Minie...
- Me. Pick me.

Moe!
[Giggles]

Give me strength, oh, Oprah.

When I first started working here,

an eight-year-old
Shirley Temple

taught me how to roll
a cigarette.

Lemon, who thinks
gesturing with one's thumbs

is for poor people and is going
to be the next CEO of Kabletown?

This guy.

Already?
What did you do to her?

Nothing.

She wants to be
a marine biologist.

Kaylie is playing right
into my hands.

I also had a youthful
fascination with exploration

and I know exactly what any
14-year-old science geek wants to do.

Practice frottage on a poster
of Linda Ronstadt

and meet your idol.

Like when I met Jacques Cousteau.

I will never forget
what he said to me.

Oh, I did forget.

It was so long ago.

When I was a kid, I got to meet

the "where's the beef" lady.

With my connections, I can
make Kaylie's dreams come true.

I should dig up my old shell
collection and give it to her.

Complete the seduction
after Bob Ballard and I

double-team her.

Word choice, Jack.

Withdrawn.

Lemon, is that the new woman
you hired?

Is it cold in here
or is it just that

I'm not wearing any underwear?

[Giggles]

She should be careful
around the crew.

New York gives us a tax break

for employing sex offenders.

- It's a terrible program.
- What's that?

Oh, I don't know.
Is it a stain?

Nobody knows.

What is that?

Ow.
That is Abby Flynn.

She's a guest writer.

She's being hot
and doing baby talk?

I invented that.

Summer of '98,

I took it to a whole new level.

[Cooing]

There can't be two of us, Liz.

She must be destroyed.

Uh-huh.
I don't know how I got here.

No, Jenna.
That is exactly the problem.

Men infantilize women and women
tear each other down.

Exactly.

I'll start by spreading
a destructive rumor about her

like the famous one I made up
about Jamie Lee Curtis.

[Whispers]
That she has two butts.

Look, you and I actually
want the same thing,

but we're not gonna destroy Abby.

We're gonna fix her.

Yes, like you fix a dog.

We'll sterilize her.

No, I'm gonna show Abby
that she doesn't need

to act like this.

Hi. I'm Jack.
It's nice to meet you.

Hi.
I'm Abby. Hi.

[Laughter]

Ugh.
Whatever.

So what do you think, Kaylie?

Oceanography's
a pretty cool life.

I can't believe I'm talking
to Dr. Robert Ballard.

You're not.
"Bob" is short for "Bobert."

Oh.

[Gasps]
Oh, my gosh.

An anglerfish.

Lophius piscatorius.

That was my favorite fish
as a boy.

Look at those teeth.

You know that's a female.

The male is much smaller
and is basically a parasite

that lives on her.

Until mating, of course.
Then the male dies.

Yes, the scientific term
for that is "marriage."

[Chuckles]

Don't tell Gina I said that.

The ocean really is
the final frontier, Kaylie.

And we keep finding new things.

Giant tube worms
that breathe hydrogen sulfide.

Arctic jellyfish.
Oh!

And a chemical in kelp
that scientists think

might one day cure
ice cream headaches.

There's so much left to discover.

And you could
be the one to do it.

I kind of envy you.

Youngsters are the future
of ocean exploration, Kaylie.

I mean, I'm not gonna
live forever,

no matter how much gold
I give Poseidon.

That's why I'm making you
a student argonaut.

[Gasps]

I can't believe
this is happening!

[Shrieks]

You already speak dolphin.

Excellent.

Is there an age cutoff
for the student argonauts?

What if you gave me a sticker
as a joke?

[Chuckles]

You know, Mr. Donaghy,
it...

It seems you really love
this stuff.

Maybe you should have been
a deep-sea explorer.

Oh, no, Kaylie.

That was a boyhood fantasy.

I'm an adult now.

I don't have fantasies anymore.

Kaylie, this way.

[Sighs]

There she is, men.

The elusive northern right whale.

♪ Oh blow the wind westerly ♪

♪ let the wind blow ♪

♪ oh derry hi derry ♪

♪ hey derry ho ♪

Jack?
Jack?

Yes, sailor?
What is it?

We're moving on.

Hey, Liz!

Abby, thanks for meeting me here.

This place is very special to me.

Is this where you got
your v-card punched?

What?
No.

Does this look like the makeup
room of a clown academy?

No, this is a statue...

and I know you know this...
of Eleanor Roosevelt.

First lady to the world,

champion of the rights of women,

and the lid on my high school
lunch box.

Look, I know it can be hard.

Society puts a lot
of pressure on us

to act a certain way.

But "TGS" is a safe place,

so you can drop the sexy baby act

and lose the pigtails...

But I like my pigtails.

My uncle says they're sexy.

Enough with the gross jokes.

And that voice!

I want you to talk
in your real voice.

This is my real voice.

And the whole sexy baby thing
isn't an act.

I'm a very sexy baby.

I can't help it if men are
attracted to me.

Like that homeless guy.

He likes what he sees.

Okay.
That could be for me.

It's not!
It's for her!

- Abby, I'm trying to help you.
- Really?

By judging me on my appearance
and the way I talk?

And what's the difference
between me

using my sexuality and you using
those glasses to look smart?

[Scoffs] I am smart.

I placed out of freshman German.

Or Lutz using that sexy
English accent

to get me in the sack?

No! You didn't!
Lutz?

Is that even possible?

I mean, I was there
when he belvedered.

God, Abby, you can't be that
desperate for male attention.

You know what, Liz?

I don't have to explain
myself to you.

My life is none of your business.

Except it is
because you represent my show

and you represent my gender
in this business

and you embarrass me.

Kiss!

Dude, I am sorry,
but this is who I am.

Deal with it.

Now are we gonna give
the gentleman

what he asked for or not?

Ugh.

Kenneth, when I'm gone,

how do you think people
will remember me?

Actually, sir, I've already
started to compose

a heroic ballad commemorating
your life.

♪ Slaves of Jesus ♪

♪ hear my tale ♪

I'll tell you what they'll say.

"Hey, remember Jack Donaghy?

"He wore a lot of suits and went
to a lot of meetings.

Now power down,
conversation robot."

Sounds like you're asking some
pretty big questions.

When I have problems,
I like to talk

to the man upstairs.

Unfortunately, Mr. Guzelian
got put in jail

for attacking his father.

I mean, what are we put
on this earth to do?

Sit behind a desk?

I'm still young, Kenneth.

I could devote the time I have
left to other interests.

Let Kaylie run Kabletown.

I'll join Ballard's group
and become

a scientist-adventurer.

Now, that...
[Chuckles]

Would be a legacy.

I hope my legacy is
a Sesame Street type TV show

that promotes illiteracy
in girls.

This could be me.

"Remember Jack Donaghy?

"He was the world's greatest
oceanographer.

"And we walruses
owe him everything

for giving us the gift
of language."

No.

All right, your time is up,
my friend.

I'm taking control
of this Abby situation.

No, Jenna.
I'm not done.

Check this out.

I'm thinking to myself,
"whatever happened

to the erasable pen?"

Besides pencils,
who's saying that's a bad idea?

I've always thought that,

but I never had
the courage to say it.

Is that Abby?

I knew her boobs were fake.

And that baby voice is fake too.

You know, as someone
who speaks very naturally,

I'm offended.

She's taken on
a whole new identity.

She changed her nose, her teeth.

She even changed her name.

It's not Abby Flynn.
It's Abby Grossman.

Well, that's understandable.

I mean, "Grossman"
is a little bagel-y.

Abby used to be a strong,
smart, beautiful woman.

Why did she transform herself
into that baby hooker?

[Quietly]
Oh.

Children's book idea:
Baby hooker.

Don't tell Liz.

Well, I am confronting
Abby with this

in front of everybody.

Oh, that's vicious.

Forget my idea.
Yours is so elegant.

No, Jenna, for the last time,

we're helping her.

Say no more.

Gotcha, boss.

[Sighs]

Who else is on the call?

Katherine Scott, sales.

Andy Hoberman, web sales.

Gil Coughlin, oversight.

I've got everyone
from meeting planning.

Tricia, Maria, Greg,
Greg P., Lyle, Edwin.

This is Charles.
I'm on for Douglas.

No, Charles.
I'm on, but I just dialed in.

[Gasps]

[Chuckles]

Mr. Donaghy.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing,

but that would make no sense.

[Chuckles]

Where did you get
this picture of Cousteau?

That?

The Internet.

This picture exists
in only two places.

The negative is
in my personal safe

along with my will
and some beanie babies

that I thought would
be worth more.

Or it could be found
in the right book.

Ugh!

Hey, what are you doing?

Quiet, chalk-hands.

A real man is talking.

Why do you have this, Kaylie?

Why are you reading
my autobiography?

Well, uh...

Same reason you're reading
Pop-Pop's book.

Researching the enemy.

So it's true.

I was trying to make you think
you didn't want

to run Kabletown, while you
were doing the same thing to me.

What a super sleuth.
[Gasps]

You're just like Vanessa from

the "Vampire Detective
Mysteries."

I'm not familiar
with that reference,

but I assume that Vanessa
is some kind of cool genius.

You don't even like
the ocean, do you?

I hate the ocean.
It's for tools.

The ocean's awesome
and for winners.

You're for tools.

You can't beat me,
Mr. Donaghy!

You worked your way
into this world,

but I...
I was born into it.

I breathe it.
[Inhales]

So watch your step.

[Childlike voice]
'Cause I can always tell Pop-Pop

you gave me alcohol.

And I can always seduce
one of your teachers

and get her to fail you.

- I'd be into that.
- Me too.

[Bell rings]

Better pick up your books
or you'll be late for class.

This is my free period.

Well played.

Megan, books!

[Sighs]

You know what sucked about
my last lesbian orgy?

Right in the middle of it,

one of us had to get up
to go use the bathroom

and then we all had to go!

Okay, there's something
everyone here needs to see.

Abby, you might want
to sit down for this.

Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas.

On a chair.
Come on, Sue.

Abby, this is for your own good.

Open apple, tough love time.

Has anyone ever actually
had a good time at brunch?

- You know...
- Is that you?

I don't know where
you found that,

but I am taking it down.

[Giggles]

That's what she said!

Hey, first of all,
Steve Carell owns

"that's what she said."

He owns it.

And second of all,
it's time to stop hiding.

A young person helped me
online post this

on joanofsnark.com.

[Normal voice]
You stupid, meddling bitch!

Yes!
There's your real voice.

There's Abby Grossman.

To quote Eleanor Roosevelt,

[imitating Eleanor Roosevelt]
"We are all..."

Do you understand
what you've done?

You have signed my death warrant.

How's that now?

My ex-husband
is gonna see this.

He's gonna find out where I am

and he is gonna try
to run me over

with his car again.

I changed my appearance
to get away from him!

Oh, 'cause I thought
it was, like,

pressure from society.

You're right, Liz.

I was hiding from a man

who went insane after
being electrocuted

while watching
Sleeping with the Enemy.

I was cut out of that.

Oh, yeah, I am desperate
for male attention,

because I feel safer
having men around

in case Troy comes back.

That is why I slept with Lutz.

And I shall protect her.

Is there an Abby Flynn here?

That's her, Troy!

I'm on your side!
Get her!

Geez, Lutz.
It's the ups guy.

Okay, I think we all owe
Abby an apology.

Oh, my God.
It's from him.

"I thought this box would
be the perfect size

"for your head.

P.S. I was electrocuted again
while watching Seven."

Great.

I have six hours
to start a new life.

I'll have to be
a redhead this time.

Oh, I don't know,
with your coloring.

You know what?
Don't listen to me.

You must really hate women, Liz.

Liz Lemon is a Judas
to all womankind!

Okay.

We were on page six...

Where Wonder Woman...

Gets her period.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Tonight's tag is gonna be a nice

wrap-up scene between
Jack and Liz.

After all, they spent
the whole episode

trying to help young women.

But, first,
I would like to correct

some of the science
we saw tonight.

There is no oil in kelp that
helps cure ice cream headaches.

No, the only thing that will
cure ice cream headaches

is having sex on a motorcycle.

Kailey was not speaking dolphin.

When a dolphin expresses excitement

it sounds like this.

[making weird noises]

Okay, we got a lot of fun
tonight and it's not over.

In the time remaining we're gonna go to that
Jack and Liz wrap up scene I promised you.

Well, Lemon...