All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e13 Qu Sorpresa.eng

From the top, one more time, guys.

Everyone, I need your attention.
Gather up.

I said everyone, Sketch-Tron 6000.

Mr. Hank Hooper,

the owner of our new
parent company, Kabletown,

is touring 30 Rock
for the first time today.

I will make
a good first impression,

so I need all of you
to be your most normal.

Tracy, do not mention where
you think dinosaurs come from.

Do not mention
the underwater city

of Sauronicon...
Got it.

Jenna, get all of your
crazy yelling

out of your system.

If you don't volumize my hair,

I will choke you to death

- with your boyfriend's wig!
- Very good.

Frank, how is
your armpit thing?

Not great. It's almost
touching my thigh thing.

Okay, let's do our best.

Remember, everyone,
just don't be yourselves.

Lemon, meet me
in my office in ten.

I need to ask you something.

Oh, do you need sex advice?
Here's a tip.

Sometimes a lady likes
to leave her blazer on.

Sir, ma'am,
this is for you... a gift bag.

"To my two favorite
sketch stars.

Your new friend,
Hank Hooper."

That's nice.
Actors deserve gifts.

Without us, who would
present awards to actors?

So...Which one of us is
going to get this computer?

Just kidding.
We both are!

Wow, I always wanted
one of these.

The box would make
a perfect coffin

for my Teddy Bear.

There's two of everything!

Look at us.
When we met four years ago,

we were fighting about
the silliest things...

Dressing rooms, air time,

you coming in
and ruining my show...

You taking
my nephew's virginity.

I feel we've finally found
a balance in our relationship.

There's only one.

You take it.
I don't care.

I want you to selfishly take
the best sweatshirt

in the world.

Lemon, this is
a little delicate,

but I wonder if you
might take Avery shopping

for baby things.

- Oh, sure.
- You know, a crib,

small clothes, a tiny desk

with a miniature pen set on it.

I don't know a lot
about babies,

but I know that
Avery would enjoy

having another woman
go with her.

Of course.
I'm just a little surprised.

I assumed Avery would have
a terrifying best friend

she'd do stuff like that with.

Avery does have a sister,

but Eugenia is currently
institutionalized for nerves...

[whispers] Lesbian...

And all of her work friends
are out

because she's still trying

to keep her pregnancy a secret.

Really?
She's eight months.

How is she possibly hiding it?

Michael Kors is a friend.

We own a gay racehorse
together.

And I convinced him to make
wizard cloaks fashionable

for ladies this winter.

It's my fault for asking.

The problem is that
Avery is very close

to being named
the financial reporter

for NBC Nightly News.

If anyone finds out
she's pregnant,

she won't get the job.

Ah, see,
that would never happen

if men could get pregnant.

Which is the premise
of my one-act play

The Seahorses
of Warwickshire Abbey.

Avery just needs to keep
her condition under wraps

until her contract is signed.

Unfortunately,
her competition for the job

is Carmen Chao...
From MSNBC.

Oh, I know her.
Hey, what ethnicity is she?

No one knows.

In international news,

Mexican president
Felipe Calderon

is traveling this week to China

to meet with premier
Wen Jiabao,

and then stopping
for a well-deserved vacation

in Negril, Jamaica, mon.

If Carmen finds out
Avery's pregnant,

she'll use it to destroy her.
Carmen's very sneaky.

And that's not racist because
I don't know what she is.

Man, we all lead
such complicated lives.

Hey, do you want to go

to that new popcorn place
for lunch?

I'm going
to the executive dining room

to meet with Hank Hooper.

I can't wait to shake his hand.

You can tell a lot about someone
by their handshake.

You are confident.

And you ate dinner
in front of a mirror last night.

Carol's away a lot.

[Exciting jazz music]

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Ahoy there, Jack.

Hank Hooper.
Nice to meet you.

I'm a hugger.

No. Doesn't count
as a hug

unless it goes on
for ten seconds.

Yeah.

Well, it is an honor, sir,
to finally...

I'm no "sir," Jack.
Call me Hank.

Or "hey, idiot,"
like my wife does.

I'm kidding.
She's an angel.

Hey, Jack.

What are you doing here?

No, it's fine, Jack.

Kabletown's a family company,
and where I come from,

families eat together.

This is no longer
the executive dining room.

It's the Everyone
dining room.

Welcome, everyone.

[Applause]

This is where we used to
hold retirement parties.

The balcony below
is probably still littered

with stripper bones.

And now there are people here
wearing sandals.

- Yeah.
- Isn't that nice?

Listen, can I tell you
how happy I am

with the work you've done
for us so far?

It's been outstanding.

Thank you. And believe me,
I'm not done.

I'm working on something new
right now that I think...

Room for a single?

Sure.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you know who came up
with the idea for the DVR?

It was the guy who
drives me home every night.

The original name for the DVR

was "The Thing
Carlos Thought Of."

Since then, I make sure
that once a month,

anyone who works here
can pitch any idea they have

to upper management.

- Anyone?
- Mm.

[Slurps]
Mmm.

- I see.
- So I want you

to hear ideas all day tomorrow,

and then report back to me.

I'll be the guy wearing
the Bugs Bunny tie.

- Ha!
- What is this green stuff?

Wipe it off.
Wipe it off!

Ecch, these pregnancy photos
are so tacky.

They're like those
knockoff bags

- you get in Chinatown.
- Really?

I like pradort bag.

Avery Jessup.
Que sorpresa!

Carmen!
What are you doing here.

Oh, I just love babies.

I love their
creepy little hands

and the way they crawl fast,
like a rat monster.

Question is,
what are you doing here.

Oh, she's here with me.

I'm pregnant,
and Avery is helping me

decide what kind
of baby megaphone to buy.

[Imitates bugle fanfare]
Really?

- You're the pregnant one?
- Yeah.

Some dude jacked me,

and now his sperm is
growing in my stomach.

That's now how babies are made.

We're gonna go.
You're tired.

Oh, you'll find this
interesting.

I'm working on a story
right now

about single mothers
in their 40s.

- That's a great idea.
- So you'll be in it?

Why wouldn't you be?

You just said it was
a great idea,

and you're pregnant, right?

So by the law of verbal traps,

you have to do it.

Okay, Carmen,
I'll be in your story.

You can interview me
at the new popcorn place

on 11th Avenue.

No, we'll do it at your office.

Fine. I'll just go
to the popcorn place alone,

even though all their
advertising suggests

it is a place
for groups of friends

to have a good time.

Hello.

Good sweatshirt to you.

How are you sweatshirting
this sweatshirt?

Is everything all right, Tracy?

I want that sweatshirt!

No. You can't take this
away from me,

like you took away my show.

And my grandmother's
jewelry chest.

Was I supposed to throw up
in something of mine?

You gave this to me.

And I can take it back.
I'm the star here.

And if there's
only one sweatshirt,

the star should have it.

Look how gray it is.

Let me just hold it
for one second.

Well...Okay.

But just one second.

You'll never get her!

Stop!
Sweatshirty is a boy!

Miss Lemon.

Carmen Chao called
about an interview.

Is she doing an expose
on how feminism has led

to a happiness crisis
among educated women?

No, Kenneth, it's nothing.

I'm gonna call Jack
and make it go away.

Check this out.

I was up in the
Everybodydining room,

sharing a table
with B. Dubs here,

and guess what he told me.

Okay, gossip alert.

According to my colleague
Carmen Chao,

our friend Liz Lemon
is pregnant.

[Gasps]

Dude, is that true?

- Are you pregnant?
- Isn't that wonderful news?

Lemon told me this morning
she got jacked big time.

Uh, Lemon, a word?

What the hell is gong on?

Thank you for covering
for Avery last night.

But now you're a part of this,

and Carmen Chao is
relentless!

Like a bloodhound.
Perhaps literally.

We still don't know
her genetic background.

So what, now people think
I'm pregnant?

Do I have to do
this mom news story?

There is no news story.

Carmen isn't getting anywhere
with Avery,

so she's trying
to call your bluff.

Well, it is called.
I am telling everyone here

that there's no way
I could be pregnant

because I have had my period
for the last 61 days.

Lemon, please.

Avery's career has never
been more important

because I just don't know
what's happening with mine!

- What? Why?
- Oh...

The Everyone dining room,

open office hours,

memos with emoticons in them!

If this is how
Kabletown does business,

I don't know if
I have a future here.

I'm Jack Donaghy!

Don Geiss gave me this watch

for firing a man
on his deathbed!

So wait, you might leave?

I don't know
if I can survive here.

So I need you to fake
being pregnant

to help my family.

I'm asking you as a friend.

How come when I try
to get you to go

to a murder-mystery party
with me,

it's all, "we're business
colleagues, Lemon"?

Ugh, I don't know why
I ever chose you as a friend.

Let's just be clear
about this... I chose you.

I heard the blessed news, Liz.
May I kiss your stomach?

- Absolutely not.
- Hello, beautiful.

It's Uncle Wutzy.

Oh, hey, Jack, you and I have

a pitch meeting later.
[Clicks tongue]

[Baby talking]
You're a baby.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you're a baby...

So that's basically the show.

And my sidekick is
a hot black chick

who can read minds.

We need a button that switches

from pornography
to basketball immediately.

What you have
isn't fast enough.

My kids are starting
to ask questions

that I can't answer.

This'll just be a minute.

[Quietly]
Did you check the lightbulb?

Please do not use that tone.

So much of television
is really not fit for children

or christians or the elderly.

So what if there was
a black bar

on the lower half
of your TV screen

that kept you from seeing
bad things?

Like nudity, or soccer.

Congratulations.
Worst so far!

Liz, I never get anything.

All I want is one sweatshirt.

Don't listen to her.
She's not me.

What is going on?

- This is mine.
- The story begins

when dolphins ruled the earth.

Hey, guys, lay off Liz, okay?

- You know she's pregnant.
- Really?

- Yeah. Super-pregnant.
- Congratulations.

I am not interested
in godfather duties.

Now's not the time
to discuss this,

but I will need to eat
your umbilical cord.

I'm sorry we were
stressing you out.

We shouldn't do that.

It'll turn the child
into a Dracula.

I'm sorry.

You know what,
give me the sweatshirt.

Problem solved.

Now no one gets it.

- Aw, man...
- [Stammers]

Pregnant.

Now get out of here!

And hold hands
like best friends

on the way out.

Oh, that is like magic.

People are nice
to pregnant ladies.

I'm gonna run downstairs.
Do you want anything?

Remember, you're eating
for two.

Well, I guess
two egg sandwiches...

Times two is four.

Good morning!

So how did co-worker
pitch day go, Jack?

Well, employee pitch day was,

of course,
a new experience for me.

Oh, speaking of
new experiences,

I ate at an Indian restaurant
last night.

I had naan.

Sir... I mean, Hank,

I appreciate that you have
your way of doing things,

but so do I.

I am a six sigma
black belt ultra,

with the groin branding
to prove it.

What's six sigma?
Rock band?

I'd like to start this meeting

by sharing one of my own ideas.

And after you hear it,
maybe we can agree

that employee pitch day
is time that could be

better spent drinking and
looking out the window.

Okay, Jack!

You're putting it on the line.

What have you got?

Hank, what's the one part
of the television experience

that's not perfect?

To me, it's the remote control.

Too easy to lose, right?

Yes! I lose my remote
all the time.

Grr, couch cushions!
[Chuckles]

What if you didn't need
a remote control

because your remote control
was your own voice?

Television on.
Channel, NBC.

A crew out of the Bronx
called the Ace of Deuces.

Amazing.

I give you voice activation.

Word from my C.I.
is he got offed by...

That shouldn't happen.
TV on!

Voice activation,
or "vo-act..."

The only wit we have
is some mute kid...

- Un-mute!
- My friends at the D.E.A. say

these guys have
a high volume of cocaine...

Low volume.
Low volume!

First I want to go home
and delete everything

- that's on my DVR.
- Oh, come on!

TV mute!

Jack, it doesn't seem to work.

You got any other notions,

or should we jump
to employee ideas?

No, no. No.
I have another idea.

What if, uh...
What if...

You had a black bar
at the bottom of the screen

that prevented you from
seeing anything dirty?

I like that.

I like that a lot.

It would allow parents
to eliminate racy content,

like soccer, or a woman
stuffing a turkey.

That's a real family company
kind of idea, Jack.

And we could sell ads
in the black bar...

Increase our revenue streams!

You could call it
"Blabar."

A-plus work, Jack!

I don't need to hear
anything else.

If that's the kind of ideas
you're bringing... nine, ten...

You will go far, son.
Yeah!

Crap.

Kenneth, we need to talk.

Earlier today,
I told Hank Hooper

about your black bar concept,
and he loved it.

However, I presented it
as my own idea.

Wonderful! Next topic.

What? Uh, no.

This is an opportunity for you.

You have me over a barrel.
What are you going to do?

Not what my uncle does

when he gets a hitchhiker over
a barrel, I'll tell you that.

This is business, Kenneth.

All bosses steal
from their employees.

But in return,
the employee gets something.

You didn't steal anything
from me, sir.

Last time I checked,

best friends can't steal
from each other.

Now, stop being a silly Simon.

[Chuckles]

This isn't how it works!

You're the one being
a silly Simon!

Carmen, what are you
doing here?

Well, you didn't call back
to schedule our interview,

so I thought I'd just
ambush you

with some pregnancy questions.

I hope you're not unprepared.

Of course not.

- When are you due?
- April 20th, Hitler's birthday.

What's your pediatrician's
name?

Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath.

- Where was the baby conceived?
- In my vagina.

What names are you considering?

- Rufus T. Barleysheath.
- How are you feeling?

Oh, a little achy and nauseous,

- but I'm hanging in there.
- Are you pregnant?

No...way that I'm not.

Owen, screw.

I don't know why
you're doing this for Jessup.

She's a blonde. Don't you know
there's a war going on?

Or are you doing it
for her old man husband?

He's your boss.

First of all,
Jack means nothing to me.

Shoot him in the throat
and let the dogs eat him.

I don't care.

What's wrong with you?

Almost everything.

But let's get back
to the interview.

We're done with that portion.

I thought it would be
a fun visual

if we got some b-roll of you
taking sexy pregnancy photos

where you bare your stomach

like the pregnant bitch
that you are.

What do you say?

Let's take some pictures.

Innovation that is both family
and bottom line friendly.

Gentlemen, I give you Blabar.

You're really sexing me
right now.

It's filthy.

[Laughter, applause]

Jack! Jack!

All: Jack! Jack! Jack...

[Whistles]

[Elevator bell dings]

One time, I saw a turtle...

Who the hell
do you think you are?

This is not the way
the world works, Kenneth.

Bosses steal,

and employees use it
for leverage.

So what do you want?
Money? A promotion?

I can get you into a restaurant

where you watch a child
play with a bunny,

then you eat the bunny.

Isn't that just Easter?

And I don't want anything, sir.

I'm just happy
to spend all day here

helping my work family.

Family.
I now work for a man

who thinks like you.

Does he also solve mazes
by starting from the end?

I need this, Kenneth.
I used you, now leverage it.

Blackmail me.
Demand to sleep with Avery.

Hit me.
Hit me in the face!

No, sir.
Best friends don't...

I am ordering you to strike me.

There will be no retaliation,

but if you refuse,
you're fired.

No.
I don't even know how.

Do it! Hit me now!

Oh, damn my krav maga training
and lightning reflexes!

Release me,
you hillbilly Circe!

I am life.

Revel in the glory
of motherhood!

Gaia flows through me.

Rufus T. Barleysheath
is kicking.

I know you're not pregnant.

Why don't you just admit it?

She's grabbing oil.

Owen...Run!

Look how my belly glistens!

What's going on, Jack?

I was just about
to hop on my bus

back to Philadelphia.

I don't fly,
but I got my own bus

with a pool table in it.

We'll drive to Branson
together sometime,

take in a Yakov Smirnoff show.

Doesn't Russia sound
like a crazy place?

Yes, sir.

But before you go,
I want you to meet someone.

This is Kenneth Parcell,
one of our pages.

Oh, I didn't notice
you there, son.

You do not have
a lot of charisma.

Kenneth is the one
who came up with

the Blabar idea, not me.

- I'm sorry I misled you.
- Oh.

Well, Jack, I have to say
I'm surprised.

Here is my letter
of resignation.

It's probably for the best

since this is obviously
not a good fit.

If you call security
to escort me out,

you should know
I have several pistols

hidden on me.

Hold on, Jack.
No one's quitting.

I'm impressed you told me that.

You have a reputation,
Jack, as a shark.

Kabletown, we're not sharks.
We're more like...

Whatever
the friendliest fish is.

I'm not a science guy.
The point is,

I wasn't sure
how you were gonna fit in,

but you doing something
like this

tells me we're gonna be
just fine.

Very well. Good.

And Jack should
give you something

- for that idea, son.
- Finally. Thank you.

- Quid pro quo.
- But I don't want anything.

No?
How about a hug?

You've gotta be kidding me.

- Heh...
- Sir...

It doesn't count as a hug

unless it goes on
for ten seconds.

You got that right, son.

One...Mississippi...

That's some good hugging.

And as excited as I am
to be joining the team

on Nightly News,

I will miss my dear friends
here on basic cable.

But, Carmen, you have an
exciting new assignment, right?

Yes. I will be
covering hurricanes...

Thank you, Lemon.
I owe you.

If you want
to make it up to me,

I have my eye
on a toilet pillow

from a certain
medical supply store.

Avery and I want
the baby's middle name

to be Elizabeth, after you.

Oh, Jack, that's so gayballs.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Liz.
Can we get you anything?

Do you need some liniment
rubbed on your perineum?

No, guys,
I'm not really pregnant.

I was just pretending
to help Jack.

Why would you pretend
to help Jack?

Help him for real.

It takes the same amount
of time.

No, Tracy, she lied to us.

And she ordered us around

like we were
a couple of normals.

You will be punished.
Can I have my nunchucks back?

Or we could call it even.

Good God!

I have been punished.
These are yours to keep.

What?
Who's the black guy?

A bicycle messenger.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

You took your pants off.

What if there was a channel that's just
the sound of people having a party

so you put it on
when you call your parents?

You know what my TV is?

A sunset.

How about a button you push
on your remote

and you can buy
anything you see on TV?

Like if you're watching Sex and the City and
you just have to have Mr. Big's spaghetti?

What if we executed someone live on TV?

And then I pull off my mask

and I'm a lizard person too.

Blackout. End of episode.