All language subtitles for 30 Rock S05e05 Reaganing.eng

Listen, Greg, I've got
the next big reality show.

We put a bunch of people
on a plane,

fly them over the Atlantic,

then Tom Bergeron comes out
and reveals

that the pilot
is a six-year-old boy.

We call it
"Child Hell Flight."

Get out of here!

- He is pitching a no-hitter.
- What?

Starting
at 4:00 P.M. yesterday,

when Mr. Donaghy coined
the word "innoventually,"

- he has been flawless.
- So why do I have to leave?

Because you have
so many unsolvable problems,

like your mouth.

It looks like somebody kicked
a hole in a bag of flour.

[Thud] Ow!

Good news, Jonathan.

"Child hell flight"
will "innoventually"

be on the spring schedule.

Oh!
Congratulations, sir.

Miss Lemon was just leaving.

Oh, no.
Lemon, please come in.

When you're pitching
a perfect game,

you don't walk Albert Pujols

and you are the Albert Pujols
of having problems.

Perfect game, huh?

I haven't done
a single thing wrong

in almost 24 hours,

and I'm including sex
last night.

Here's Avery's thank-you note.

Ugh!
She likes that?

No, but she respects it
when it's done correctly.

Lemon, you may be witnessing
history here.

Making it through
a full 24 hours

without a single misstep
is called "reaganing."

The only other people
who have ever done it...

Lee Iaccoca, Jack Welch,
and... no judgment...

Saddam Hussein.

So what have you got for me?

I need to get out
to Newark airport.

Carol's on a layover,
and I really have to see him.

You're horny,
and you want to get some.

- I get it.
- Ew, Jack, gross.

Come on.

I just want to see him,
and I can't get a cab,

because Greece is playing
Pakistan in soccer.

Problem solved.
I'll take you.

Really?

I'll drop you off
at the airport,

then I'll swing by MSNBC.

I have to talk
to Rachel Maddow.

Only one of us
can have this haircut.

[Upbeat jazzy music]

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

k-Swiss, I need to cancel
my gig for hosting

the MTV international
video music awards.

Why wasn't I invited to that?

My single is number four
in Japan.

I hate to bail,
but I've been asked

to do a commercial for the
boys and girls club of America,

and I just can't turn down
community service,

because if I do,
that judge will make me

join the coast guard.

Well, I also recently received

an unexpected honor...

From the carvel ice cream
corporation.

They gave me this
after I performed

on their "Kidz 4-Eva!" float

during last year's
Thanksgiving day parade.

I don't watch
the Macy's parade.

If I want to see
a 50-foot spider man,

I'll just go into my rec room,
thank you.

Kenneth, take this card
and get a cake for the crew.

Oh, that's very thoughtful,
miss Maroney.

Well, one of the camera guys
just had a baby,

and I'm sick of hearing
about it.

This will put me back on top.

[Horn honks]

What's wrong, Lemon?

When I see you chew
your nails like that,

I'd say that you're
very anxious,

or you've handled
some ham earlier.

When I get to the airport,

I'm going to break up
with Carol.

What?
Lemon, I am shocked.

You two seemed so happy.

The other day,
I saw you in the lobby

laughing together.

A guy on crutches bit it
in the revolving door,

- and he was so scared.
- So what's the problem?

You ate spaghetti
in front of him?

Of course not.

He got a fungus
from your shower?

No.

You had a fight
about something?

No, we're not fighting.
We don't fight. It's just...

nothing.
I don't want to talk about it.

Lemon, I've known you
for four years,

and in that time,
I've never known you

to be shy about talking
about anything.

Well, I found my first gray
toe-knuckle hair.

If I could push a button
and five people in the world

would die, but I'd get free
cable for life, I'd do it.

And I'd been on
the toilet so long

that my legs had fallen asleep,

so when I tried to stand,
I just fell into my throw-up.

There is one thing
you don't like to talk about.

Why aren't we moving?

Sex, Lemon...

Coitus,
the beast with two backs.

You and I have never had
an adult conversation

about boning.

Ugh! Fine.

Carol and I are having
an intimacy problem.

Okay, so tell me what happened.

I was visiting Carol
in Las Vegas,

and there was...

A performance issue.

That does happen to men.

I faced it myself
with Greta van Susteren

before her head transplant.

You know,
why don't I call Carol?

No, don't do that.

I'm "reaganing," Lemon.
Let me solve this.

It's not him.
It's me.

I'm the one
with the performance problem.

What are you talking about?

I freaked out, and my junk
closed for business.

It's like Fort Knox down there.

I'm just going
to raise the barrier

if that's okeydokey
with everyone.

It's kind of like that.

Tracy, haven't seen you

since I was directing
"Garfield 3," and you ruined it.

I had to move back in
with my parents.

I envy you.

I don't really know my parents.

Okay. Let me take you
through the concept.

It's all one shot, all right?

We start on a boy shooting
a basketball,

pan to some girls
double-dutching,

then we pass the kid who does
a flip on a trampoline,

follow a skateboarder
who jumps the curb

and whizzes past you
for your line.

What line?

"Boys and girls clubs
of America,

be great."

We faxed the script
to someone named Grizz.

Scripts get in the way
of my process, Shawn.

Let's just shoot a hundred
of these and see what we get.

Here's your cake, miss Maroney.

[Gasps] Let's see.

"Jenny"?

That's not my name.

I don't want wheelchair Jenny
from accounting

getting credit for my cake.

Take it back to carvel.

But then
they'll just throw it out.

So?

I know food's plentiful
around here, miss Maroney,

but back home on our pig farm,
times are tough.

We've had to sell off Sally,
Julie, and poppy.

Are those some of your pigs?

Yes.

Take the cake back, Kenneth.

You know, your little problem
makes sense, Lemon.

You have more sexual hang-ups
than an adult chat line

run by Gilbert Gottfried.

What?

That was written
by a computer program

we're working on
to replace you.

No, I don't have hang-ups.

You don't think
you're a bit of a prude...

A little squeamish
and conservative?

Sex always makes things worse.

Jack, why don't you just say
you want some...?

- Is that sex, Lemon?
- Is the way I do it.

We are lovers.

Oh, that word bums me out

unless it's between the words
"meat" and "pizza."

Ugh!
She likes that?

Okay, fine. Maybe I'm
a little old-fashioned.

I'm sorry I'm a real woman

and not some oversexed
New York nympho

like those sluts
on everybody loves Raymond.

Wow. This may be
the greatest challenge

a potential "reaganer"
has ever faced.

I'm gonna fix you and save
your relationship with Carol.

I don't need to be fixed.

- Has it happened before?
- Yes...

With my college boyfriend
Joel Sucheki,

a couple of times with Dennis,
and now Carol.

There has to be a root cause,
maybe from your past.

There isn't, Jack.

There's got to be something.
Go deep.

You think I haven't thought
about this?

- There's nothing.
- Dig. Dig down.

Dive into the sexual abyss.

Stop it, Jack!
Stop it!

Stop asking
about the roller skates!

And...Action!

[Inspirational music]

What's my cue?

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

I don't know my lines.

Cut!

[Car horns honking]

Tracy, we're causing
a huge traffic jam.

We're causing
a huge traffic jam

while getting paid
to make dreams.

We're the luckiest people
on earth.

Now someone get me a jolt cola!

It does not exist anymore!

Here's the money back
from carvel, miss Maroney...

$23.94.

Hang on.
She gave you cash?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

I told the girl
I didn't have your card, so...

she must have thought you
meant credit card.

How many cashiers are
at that store?

Two.
This is fun.

Oh, my God.

We could run
the short grift on this.

It's been years
since my mom and I

used to pull slip-and-falls
at supermarkets.

I thought I was done
with that life,

but this is too good.

We can pull an Arizona
double-back on them, Kenneth.

I don't understand
what you're saying,

but I like that it has
the word "we" in it.

I'd like to order a cake
that reads,

"Happy Birthday, Blenna."

- "Blenna"?
- Yes.

I'm sorry, miss, but there's
been a mistake with this cake,

and I'm afraid
I don't have the card.

Okay, um, I'm sorry.

Um, I'll just give you
cash back.

[Cash register beeps]

I need a "happy blirthday,
Jennica" cake.

Yes.

"Bappy hirthday, Gremlin."

Lemon, what do you want
to tell me about the, uh...

Roller skates?

Why are we not moving?

What is causing
this traffic jam?

[Inspirational music]

I'm sorry.
I have an erection.

I think it's the sound
of the skateboard.

We're going again.
Everybody safely back to one.

Let me help you.
I am unstoppable today.

If it'll make it any easier,

imagine you're telling
your story to Reagan himself.

[Imitating Ronald Reagan]
Well, Liz, will you tell

the gipper your sexual story?

Mommy?

I was nine years old.

I was roller-skating
in the house,

which was absolutely forbidden.

I was skating down the hallway

on top of the world
with my new skates

and my new haircut,
which everybody thought

was a Dorothy Hamill,
but was actually a Pete rose.

Anyway, I needed to go
to the bathroom,

but the door was locked.

My recently divorced aunt
had moved in with us,

and I was sharing
a bathroom with her.

To be prepared, I tried
to take my underpants off

over my roller skates.

I slipped, and as I fell,

I pulled down this poster
of the singer Tom Jones

that my aunt had put up.

My mom heard the noise
and ran and found me...

Squirming
under the Tom Jones poster

with my underpants
around my ankles.

It didn't look good, Jack.

She thought I did it
on purpose.

And she didn't say a word.

She just went in my room
and took all my posters...

grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox,

Han Solo, Tug McGraw,

Mike Schmidt, Kermit,

Gunther Gebel-Williams.

She took all
the people away, Jack.

Sex makes the people go away!

I'm gonna see what's up
with this traffic.

Oh, here's
your money back, ma'am.

Boy, they sure are making a lot
of mistakes over there today.

Do you really not understand
what we're doing?

Of course I do.

We're standing here talking,

adding brick after brick
to our friendship castle

so it someday reaches the sky.

With carvel, Kenneth.

We're conning them.

I'm ordering messed-up cakes and
getting them free with my card.

Then you're returning them
for cash.

We're selling back free cakes.

But, miss Maroney, that's wrong

and illegal.
[gasps]

If cookie puss knew, he'd tear
us apart with his fangs.

Well, here's your cut.

We're not hurting anybody.
Carvel's got plenty of money.

- But the...
- Shh.

I need a partner
to pull this off

and think of all
the good you can do

with that money back home.

They do need help.

And with enough money,
they could buy

those magic beans
from that old hermit.

We'd be rich.

Hang on.

Why isn't the hermit rich?

Oh, wait. He is.
He has a lot of friends.

Take the money, Kenneth.

Help your family.

No one will ever know.

[Inspirational music]

Shirt on or off, Shawn?

- On!
- Good note!

Back to one!

Hey, Jackie d!

Let's take a quick 500
so everybody can meet Jack!

You know him?

Please help me get his line.
Fix this.

No, I don't need
any more problems to solve,

especially not him.

I am the Sisyphus
of "reaganing."

Yeah!

That's the kind of stuff
I should be saying.

It's in my head now.
Let's roll.

I'm sorry, jelly beans.

I know how much the gipper
liked you, and...

I've failed him.

It's funny.

I remember George Shultz
telling me

how later
in Reagan's presidency

when his mind was, uh,
resting...

How they would use jelly beans
to convince people

that he was...

That's it.

I know how to fix Tracy.

Make him eat these.

I'll take care of the rest.

[Inspirational music]

[imitating Tracy]
Boys and girls clubs of America,

be great.

Oh, my God.

We got it!

[Cheers and applause]

I'm on my way, Liz Lemon.

Make way.
I'm "reaganing."

Don't you worry.

I'm sending you some money
so you can get your operation.

Now, can you put a human
on the phone?

[Dial tone]

Hello?

Well, Kenneth, it's over.

I got made at carvel.

They figured out our scam
and gave me this.

What?
No.

Sorry.
It's the short grift.

You got to walk away.

We can't stop now.

My family needs money.

But they're onto us.

I have another idea...
For a long con.

Kenneth, I know
your intentions are good,

but I don't like what this
is doing to you.

You seem meaner and stronger.

What if you got a motorcycle,
and we did it on it?

- Are you in or not?
- What's the angle?

Who else was on that
Thanksgiving float with you?

One last long grift, huh?

Okay, I'm in.

But one rule...

Anybody gets hurt
during the score,

we leave them behind to die.

Now...

Who are you,
and what are we doing?

That cake is worth $40.

I'm not sure we can do that.

Liz wrote this sketch
before she left.

Ice-cream-cake
eating contest?

Okay, we're gonna need
about 20 cakes for this.

I'll tell props.

No, Pete.
I'll tell props.

Okay.

Good afternoon.

I would like 21 cakes
that read,

"Frajer reunion 2010."

Isn't it "Frasier"?

No, it's "Frajer."

And I should know.
I'm "Frajer."

I mean, "Frajer"?

Come on.

I should throw some
tossed salad

and scrambled eggs at you.

"Frajer."

No.

"Frajer"!

We sold the cakes twice.

You're a genius, Kenneth.

$800 split 3 ways.

Those ice-cream saps
will rue the day

they ever tangled with...

The best friends gang.

[All laughing]

Lemon!
Why did you leave?

I'm trying to help you.

You can't help me.
No one can.

Well, I'm fixing you,

and I'm saving
your relationship.

I can do it.

Look, sex is
a beautiful, natural,

and joyful part of our shared
human experience.

Hey, you two want to party?

Now is not a good time, miss.

$20 for a party,

$60 to bite me during it.

I'll do stuff with a dog,
but I get to pick the dog.

- People want that?
- This is not helping!

You want to watch me
be with her?

Me with you?

Me and both of you
without my leg?

Thank you.

Just, uh, take this

and, uh, move along.

You two are pretty uptight

for hanging out under a bridge.

Sex is horrible.

[Cell phone vibrates]

- What is it?
- It's 4:00, sir.

You did it... a day of perfect
problem solving.

Gifts have been coming in
all afternoon.

It's 4:00?

And you fixed me, so...

Yay.

Send everything back.

- What? Why?
- I didn't do it.

I failed.

- It's her, isn't it?
- Sorry.

I hate her, sir!

Stupid cookie puss!

Are you all right, miss?

I just got fired 'cause
Kelsey Grammer scammed me.

Forget trying to go straight.

I'm going back to working
under that bridge.

- I know.
- [Laughs]

Kenneth, we got a new con.

We're gonna go down to Florida,

open up
a medical-supply store,

then get
some social security numbers.

Through seduction.

I'm sorry, sir-ma'am.

- I'm out.
- What?

Why?

Because miss Maroney was wrong.

People did get hurt
by our actions.

And, yes, my family
sure could use

a couple hundred more dollars,
but it's not right.

A couple hundred dollars, huh?

I think I can help you out.

But first I'm gonna
need $50 to get started.

Kelsey, no.

I'm proud of you, Kenneth.

You've got a good heart.

I hope you get
into a car accident someday,

so I can have it.

Now there's only one thing
left to do.

Beat you out
of the best friends gang.

[Slaps fist]

Well, it's been
a pretty rough day,

but at least
we're in Newark now.

What are you gonna do
about Carol?

I'm gonna break up with him,
let him off the hook.

That would be a mistake, Lemon.

Yes, you are
the sexual equivalent

of a million hindenburgs,
but you deserve

someone like Carol
in your life,

and he deserves you, because...

and I'm only gonna say this
once a decade...

you're great.

You're Liz Lemon, damn it.

In certain lights, you're an 8

using east coast over-35
standards,

excluding Miami.

Thanks, Jack.

You go in there,
you grab Carol,

you take him into one of those
unisex family bathrooms,

pull down
that diaper-changing thing,

and go to town on him.

I'll try,
but if I couldn't get it done

in Vegas
after a Penn & Teller show,

I don't know
how it's gonna happen here.

Wait a minute.

You had your problem
with Carol in Las Vegas?

- So?
- The Tom Jones poster.

Tom Jones plays Vegas
all the time.

He has billboards everywhere.

No kidding.

There was one right
outside our hotel-room window.

Oh, my God.

Think back
to your college boyfriend.

- Was there any...
- Yes!

When this happened with Joel,

what's new pussycat?
Was playing

on the bus we were on.

I mean, the room we were in.

And when it happened
with Dennis,

he had just gotten a perm.

Tom Jones is the trigger.

He makes you remember your
mother taking the people away.

Does this mean I'm fixed?

Oh, God, no. You've got years
of therapy ahead of you,

probably electroshock.

But this is a breakthrough,
Lemon, and a big one.

Jack Donaghy, in my book,
you're better than Reagan.

I appreciate that, Lemon,
but if you ever speak ill

of Reagan again, I will smack
those teeth straight.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

He's at JFK.

I wrote it down wrong.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

[car door closes]

- How is the sex?
- Fast and only on Saturdays.

It's perfect.

I have been sexually rejected

by not one, but two guys

who later
went to clown college.

And one time at summer camp,
I kissed a girl on a dare,

but then she drowned.

It was the first gay guy
I ever kissed.

Standing up?
What?

How does that even work?

- You haven't had sex?
- Shh.

We have, of course,
pleasured one another.

No, stop.
I believe.

Ugh!
Stop saying, "relationship."

I'm sorry.
I was going to say, "climax."

Ah!

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