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1
00:00:01,931 --> 00:00:03,332
I never thought this
day would come, lizzie.
2
00:00:03,333 --> 00:00:05,500
Okay, push.
3
00:00:05,568 --> 00:00:08,136
Push, liz lemon!
4
00:00:08,204 --> 00:00:10,005
Here comes your baby!
5
00:00:10,006 --> 00:00:12,507
Congratulations.
It's meat cat!
6
00:00:12,575 --> 00:00:14,576
the cheesy blasters mascot.
7
00:00:14,644 --> 00:00:16,612
I'm what's inside ya!
8
00:00:16,679 --> 00:00:18,513
Razzmatazz!
9
00:00:21,117 --> 00:00:23,585
I got to eat better.
10
00:00:26,723 --> 00:00:28,624
Oh, hello, mr. Hornberger.
11
00:00:28,691 --> 00:00:30,425
I thought I was the only
one here at this hour.
12
00:00:30,426 --> 00:00:31,994
No, this is just
my little ritual,
13
00:00:31,995 --> 00:00:33,829
So I can have a moment
of peace and quiet
14
00:00:33,830 --> 00:00:36,465
Between home,
where this happened,
15
00:00:36,532 --> 00:00:38,267
And work, where...
16
00:00:38,268 --> 00:00:40,602
I'm always being interrupted.
17
00:00:40,637 --> 00:00:41,637
Oh, I get it.
18
00:00:41,638 --> 00:00:42,771
A little pete time.
19
00:00:42,772 --> 00:00:43,905
Pardon the familiarity.
20
00:00:43,906 --> 00:00:47,042
Well, you just enjoy
your coffee, sir,
21
00:00:47,110 --> 00:00:48,710
While I tell you a funny story
22
00:00:48,711 --> 00:00:50,178
About my friend's cat.
23
00:00:50,179 --> 00:00:52,214
His name is mr. Wiggles,
24
00:00:52,282 --> 00:00:54,149
And his cat's name is benson.
25
00:00:54,150 --> 00:00:55,150
Where's liz?
26
00:00:55,151 --> 00:00:56,852
I need to speak
to her right away.
27
00:00:56,853 --> 00:00:58,754
I guess that's the end
of pete and kenneth time.
28
00:01:01,624 --> 00:01:03,925
Liz, she's here.
29
00:01:03,993 --> 00:01:05,027
Verna's here.
30
00:01:05,028 --> 00:01:06,928
My mother is downstairs.
31
00:01:06,963 --> 00:01:08,863
Are you sure?
32
00:01:08,865 --> 00:01:10,532
I didn't see her.
Security called.
33
00:01:10,533 --> 00:01:11,700
She was trying to use
34
00:01:11,701 --> 00:01:13,702
An oxycontin prescription
bottle as I.D.
35
00:01:13,770 --> 00:01:15,037
That's verna.
36
00:01:15,038 --> 00:01:16,138
Oh!
37
00:01:16,139 --> 00:01:17,773
So is she coming up?
38
00:01:17,774 --> 00:01:18,940
Are you kidding?
39
00:01:18,941 --> 00:01:20,475
I told them to throw
her off the property.
40
00:01:20,476 --> 00:01:21,810
But I'm sure she's down there,
41
00:01:21,811 --> 00:01:23,711
Sitting on a curb,
chain-smoking,
42
00:01:23,713 --> 00:01:25,347
And waiting for
me to come out.
43
00:01:25,348 --> 00:01:27,449
Just like the day I was born.
44
00:01:27,517 --> 00:01:28,717
Wow.
45
00:01:28,718 --> 00:01:30,485
Look, jenna, I know
that she's no prize,
46
00:01:30,486 --> 00:01:32,587
But no matter what,
verna is your mother.
47
00:01:32,655 --> 00:01:34,790
Don't you want to have a
relationship with your mother?
48
00:01:34,857 --> 00:01:36,058
This isn't a relationship.
49
00:01:36,059 --> 00:01:37,426
This is some
woman who shows up
50
00:01:37,427 --> 00:01:38,960
Every couple of years
to ask for money.
51
00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:40,696
To her, I'm just a gorgeous,
52
00:01:40,697 --> 00:01:42,597
Naturally-blonde atm.
53
00:01:42,632 --> 00:01:44,599
You know, my mother and I
sometimes didn't see eye to eye,
54
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,535
But at the end of the
day, we always said
55
00:01:46,536 --> 00:01:48,103
don't go to sleep
56
00:01:48,104 --> 00:01:50,472
with a frown in your pocket
57
00:01:50,540 --> 00:01:53,108
Ugh, liz, you don't know
anything about mothers.
58
00:01:53,176 --> 00:01:55,777
Where's jack?
59
00:01:55,845 --> 00:01:58,480
go into your yard
and tie it on a rocket
60
00:01:58,548 --> 00:02:00,148
Both: shoot it to the moon
61
00:02:00,149 --> 00:02:02,284
you'll be feeling better soon
62
00:02:02,352 --> 00:02:04,920
don't go to bed with a frown
63
00:02:05,181 --> 00:02:10,070
Transcript by addic7ed.com
64
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
65
00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:28,009
Yeah, there were firemen
there and everything.
66
00:02:28,077 --> 00:02:29,811
Where?
- At my house.
67
00:02:29,812 --> 00:02:31,079
I left my sith lord cloak
68
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,181
Too near my mom's
shrine to italian jesus,
69
00:02:33,249 --> 00:02:34,716
And the candles
started a fire.
70
00:02:34,717 --> 00:02:36,251
Were the firemen strong?
71
00:02:36,252 --> 00:02:38,152
Were any of them the
ones from the calendar?
72
00:02:38,154 --> 00:02:40,054
My mom's staying
with family upstate,
73
00:02:40,056 --> 00:02:42,190
But I've got to find
someplace around here to crash.
74
00:02:42,258 --> 00:02:43,692
I'm sorry.
75
00:02:43,693 --> 00:02:45,360
Would you like to
stay in my guest house?
76
00:02:45,361 --> 00:02:46,361
Yeah. Thanks.
77
00:02:46,362 --> 00:02:47,729
When's good to go over there?
78
00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:48,730
Oh, I'm not offering.
79
00:02:48,731 --> 00:02:49,998
I'm just taking a survey
80
00:02:49,999 --> 00:02:51,967
To gauge general interest.
81
00:02:52,034 --> 00:02:53,902
But liz here has
a spare apartment.
82
00:02:53,903 --> 00:02:55,303
Ain't that right, liz?
83
00:02:55,304 --> 00:02:56,538
Well, it's not really spare.
84
00:02:56,539 --> 00:02:57,939
I bought the place
upstairs from me
85
00:02:57,940 --> 00:02:59,374
When I thought I was
getting a talk show.
86
00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:00,842
But I'm gonna finish
the combination
87
00:03:00,843 --> 00:03:02,344
As soon as I either
hit the lottery
88
00:03:02,345 --> 00:03:05,247
Or get married.
89
00:03:05,314 --> 00:03:07,315
Ugh. Fine. You
can stay with me.
90
00:03:07,383 --> 00:03:08,884
But it's stuff like this
91
00:03:08,885 --> 00:03:10,585
That makes me eat
things like this.
92
00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:11,987
Thanks, liz.
93
00:03:11,988 --> 00:03:13,822
Oh, I'd like to pre-apologize
94
00:03:13,823 --> 00:03:16,091
For clogging your
tub, sink, and toilet.
95
00:03:19,595 --> 00:03:20,929
Mothers.
96
00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:22,898
You can't kill them...
97
00:03:25,668 --> 00:03:27,869
Verna's been using me
my whole life, jack.
98
00:03:27,937 --> 00:03:30,605
I never saw a penny from any
of the commercials I booked.
99
00:03:30,673 --> 00:03:32,507
Keep you and your pets safe
100
00:03:32,508 --> 00:03:34,509
With gator hater gator spray.
101
00:03:34,577 --> 00:03:36,912
Sorry. Honey, you got to
get closer to the gator.
102
00:03:36,979 --> 00:03:38,680
We drove eleven
hours to get here,
103
00:03:38,681 --> 00:03:40,182
And you're not
getting any younger.
104
00:03:40,183 --> 00:03:41,883
But when I wanted
to sing a duet
105
00:03:41,884 --> 00:03:43,218
In a mother-daughter pageant,
106
00:03:43,219 --> 00:03:45,454
She blew it off because
there was no prize money.
107
00:03:45,521 --> 00:03:46,822
But today's different, jenna.
108
00:03:46,823 --> 00:03:47,856
Today you break the cycle,
109
00:03:47,857 --> 00:03:51,393
Because today you
are going to say...
110
00:03:53,129 --> 00:03:55,430
I developed this
presentation in 2002
111
00:03:55,498 --> 00:03:56,498
When colleen attempted
112
00:03:56,499 --> 00:03:57,599
To lengthen her
christmas visit
113
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,600
To martin luther king day,
114
00:03:58,601 --> 00:03:59,601
Or as she calls it,
115
00:03:59,602 --> 00:04:00,769
"that day in January
116
00:04:00,770 --> 00:04:02,170
When the post
office is closed."
117
00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:03,505
I had to draw the line.
118
00:04:03,506 --> 00:04:05,407
I had to say...
119
00:04:07,543 --> 00:04:08,944
This word is your best friend.
120
00:04:08,945 --> 00:04:10,212
Best friend with benefits?
121
00:04:10,213 --> 00:04:11,780
Step one, say no.
122
00:04:11,781 --> 00:04:12,981
Step two...
123
00:04:12,982 --> 00:04:14,816
She will try to pick
a fight with you.
124
00:04:14,817 --> 00:04:15,817
You will not let her.
125
00:04:15,818 --> 00:04:17,219
She will raise her voice.
126
00:04:17,220 --> 00:04:21,223
But I'm going to ask you to...
127
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:23,391
Always speak quieter.
128
00:04:23,459 --> 00:04:25,527
Can I just tell you I'm
genuinely having fun right now?
129
00:04:25,595 --> 00:04:26,862
If you raise your voice,
130
00:04:26,863 --> 00:04:27,863
Emotions take over,
131
00:04:27,864 --> 00:04:29,564
And she gets the upper hand.
132
00:04:29,565 --> 00:04:31,299
But if you're calm and quiet,
133
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:32,434
You stay in control,
134
00:04:32,435 --> 00:04:33,702
And it's on to step three.
135
00:04:33,703 --> 00:04:35,504
And this is the
hardest one of all.
136
00:04:35,505 --> 00:04:37,706
She will tell you how
disappointed she is in you,
137
00:04:37,773 --> 00:04:39,274
And she will get up to leave,
138
00:04:39,275 --> 00:04:42,511
And you...
139
00:04:42,578 --> 00:04:44,346
Let her walk away.
140
00:04:44,347 --> 00:04:45,347
It's simple.
141
00:04:45,348 --> 00:04:47,983
Say no. Talk low.
142
00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:51,119
Let her go.
143
00:04:51,187 --> 00:04:54,055
Frank. Frank?
144
00:04:54,123 --> 00:04:57,759
Do you smell smoke?
145
00:04:57,827 --> 00:04:58,827
What the hell, frank?
146
00:04:58,828 --> 00:05:00,896
Oh, man. Look, liz
147
00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:03,565
How can you smoke?
It's disgusting.
148
00:05:03,633 --> 00:05:05,333
And in my apartment?
149
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:06,935
Wow. An old white
lady yelling at me
150
00:05:06,936 --> 00:05:08,537
While wearing
microwavable socks.
151
00:05:08,538 --> 00:05:10,572
This is so different
than living with my mom.
152
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,074
Okay, so I smoke a little
as a stress release.
153
00:05:13,142 --> 00:05:15,042
I never told you, 'cause
I knew you'd lecture me.
154
00:05:15,044 --> 00:05:16,177
It is not a lecture
155
00:05:16,178 --> 00:05:18,079
To simply point out to someone
156
00:05:18,147 --> 00:05:20,115
That the episode
of diff'rent strokes
157
00:05:20,182 --> 00:05:21,316
About dudley's dad
158
00:05:21,317 --> 00:05:23,118
Has proven incontrovertibly
159
00:05:23,119 --> 00:05:24,619
That smoking
destroys your health
160
00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:26,254
And leads to
ridicule from willis.
161
00:05:26,255 --> 00:05:27,255
Well, what about you?
162
00:05:27,256 --> 00:05:28,390
You can't judge me
163
00:05:28,391 --> 00:05:29,724
When you're eating
that garbage.
164
00:05:29,725 --> 00:05:31,426
This is not the same
thing at all, frank.
165
00:05:31,427 --> 00:05:34,029
Dr. Oz did a show
about junk food.
166
00:05:34,096 --> 00:05:36,598
I saw it, 'cause it's on
a compilation dvd I have
167
00:05:36,666 --> 00:05:37,832
Of fat ladies crying.
168
00:05:37,833 --> 00:05:39,935
And this stuff will kill ya.
169
00:05:40,002 --> 00:05:45,740
"manufactured in a facility
that also processes food."
170
00:05:45,808 --> 00:05:47,708
This is what
meat cat spoke of.
171
00:05:47,743 --> 00:05:49,210
So I guess I'll just get
172
00:05:49,211 --> 00:05:50,712
One of those little
throat radios,
173
00:05:50,713 --> 00:05:52,180
And you'll be buried
in a piano crate.
174
00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:53,348
Goodnight, liz.
175
00:05:53,349 --> 00:05:55,517
No, frank, that fire
in your apartment
176
00:05:55,585 --> 00:05:56,718
Was no accident.
177
00:05:56,719 --> 00:05:59,321
I know. I just wanted
to be in control!
178
00:05:59,388 --> 00:06:00,388
It was fate!
179
00:06:00,389 --> 00:06:01,590
We've been brought together
180
00:06:01,591 --> 00:06:05,460
To help each other
stop being gross.
181
00:06:05,528 --> 00:06:06,695
What do you say?
182
00:06:06,696 --> 00:06:07,862
All right.
183
00:06:07,863 --> 00:06:10,065
But if doing this
restores my sex drive,
184
00:06:10,132 --> 00:06:11,733
The plus-sized ladies
in the mail room
185
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,969
Have you to blame.
186
00:06:15,905 --> 00:06:18,406
Oh, there's my baby girl!
187
00:06:18,474 --> 00:06:20,508
Hello, verna.
188
00:06:20,576 --> 00:06:23,144
No. Low. Go.
189
00:06:23,212 --> 00:06:24,579
Okay. I know.
190
00:06:24,580 --> 00:06:25,780
Every time we see each other,
191
00:06:25,781 --> 00:06:27,382
I'm always hitting
you up for money.
192
00:06:27,383 --> 00:06:30,085
And I know that it's
always for something stupid,
193
00:06:30,152 --> 00:06:31,853
Like paying the medical bills
194
00:06:31,854 --> 00:06:33,054
That time that my boyfriend
195
00:06:33,055 --> 00:06:35,190
Broke his tailbone
off in that cage match.
196
00:06:35,257 --> 00:06:38,326
But this time it's different.
197
00:06:38,394 --> 00:06:40,495
I said no.
198
00:06:40,563 --> 00:06:41,830
Wait, what is this?
199
00:06:41,831 --> 00:06:43,798
I'm trying to pay you back.
200
00:06:43,866 --> 00:06:46,001
I'm trying to
make good for once.
201
00:06:46,068 --> 00:06:47,402
Is this the fight?
202
00:06:47,403 --> 00:06:49,504
I'm talking quieter.
203
00:06:49,572 --> 00:06:50,572
I'm in control.
204
00:06:50,573 --> 00:06:52,007
What's that now?
205
00:06:52,008 --> 00:06:53,408
I'm the calm one.
206
00:06:53,409 --> 00:06:54,609
Upper hand.
207
00:06:54,610 --> 00:06:56,778
Jenna, why are we
talking like this?
208
00:06:56,846 --> 00:06:58,246
Does somebody have a gun?
209
00:06:58,247 --> 00:07:00,215
I'm going lower now.
210
00:07:00,282 --> 00:07:02,083
Okay.
211
00:07:02,084 --> 00:07:05,620
Well, I know you're busy.
212
00:07:05,688 --> 00:07:08,223
I just wanted to say
this face to face.
213
00:07:08,290 --> 00:07:10,992
I am so proud of you.
214
00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:13,795
And I love you so much.
215
00:07:13,863 --> 00:07:16,197
And I wish I'd said that more.
216
00:07:19,935 --> 00:07:21,469
Don't go, mommy.
217
00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:24,506
I'll stand closer
to the gator.
218
00:07:32,873 --> 00:07:34,173
Goon!
219
00:07:34,174 --> 00:07:37,643
Sorry I'm late,
mr. Hornberger.
220
00:07:37,711 --> 00:07:39,478
funny story.
221
00:07:39,479 --> 00:07:40,980
There was a guy on the subway
222
00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:43,582
Who I thought for a second
didn't have any fingers.
223
00:07:43,650 --> 00:07:45,050
But then I realized
224
00:07:45,051 --> 00:07:48,320
He was holding
his hand like this.
225
00:07:48,388 --> 00:07:49,755
Listen up, everyone.
226
00:07:49,756 --> 00:07:52,458
Frank and I have some
exciting news to share.
227
00:07:52,526 --> 00:07:54,960
I am quitting smoking.
228
00:07:55,028 --> 00:07:56,595
And I am gonna start
eating healthier.
229
00:07:56,596 --> 00:07:58,831
I signed up for a
service called "noofud"
230
00:07:58,899 --> 00:08:01,500
That delivers
humanely-portioned organic meals.
231
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:03,468
And I took the elevator
all the way up here
232
00:08:03,503 --> 00:08:05,237
Without losing my breath.
233
00:08:09,442 --> 00:08:11,810
Liz, god knows you
should eat better,
234
00:08:11,878 --> 00:08:13,078
But maybe now's not the time.
235
00:08:13,079 --> 00:08:14,813
It's show week,
236
00:08:14,814 --> 00:08:16,148
And I can't have
you melting down,
237
00:08:16,149 --> 00:08:18,049
And junk food is
your stress release.
238
00:08:18,051 --> 00:08:19,552
We all need a release.
239
00:08:19,553 --> 00:08:21,887
I know, because kenneth
has taken mine away from me,
240
00:08:21,955 --> 00:08:24,056
And I'm worried about what
I'm gonna do to replace it.
241
00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:25,291
While you were talking,
242
00:08:25,292 --> 00:08:27,660
I put a thumbtack in my neck.
243
00:08:28,862 --> 00:08:29,962
Makes me feel something.
244
00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:31,564
Well, don't worry
about me, pete.
245
00:08:31,565 --> 00:08:32,565
I have a new outlet-
246
00:08:32,566 --> 00:08:34,133
My delicious noofud.
247
00:08:34,134 --> 00:08:35,734
Like my upcoming lunch,
248
00:08:35,735 --> 00:08:37,703
Autumn tempeh risotto
249
00:08:37,771 --> 00:08:41,340
With salmon-rubbed
streusel chunks.
250
00:08:41,408 --> 00:08:43,308
Oh!
251
00:08:47,047 --> 00:08:48,047
Jenna?
252
00:08:48,048 --> 00:08:49,415
I just wanted to see
253
00:08:49,416 --> 00:08:50,749
How it went with
verna last night.
254
00:08:50,750 --> 00:08:52,284
Jack, it was perfect.
255
00:08:52,285 --> 00:08:53,819
Like a john mayer song.
256
00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:55,321
Good. So you said no?
257
00:08:55,322 --> 00:08:57,089
I didn't have to. She
didn't want anything.
258
00:08:57,090 --> 00:08:58,424
She's completely changed.
259
00:08:58,425 --> 00:08:59,892
What? No.
260
00:08:59,893 --> 00:09:01,327
People do not change.
261
00:09:01,328 --> 00:09:02,528
In the late '90s,
262
00:09:02,529 --> 00:09:04,196
I thought colleen had
become a better person.
263
00:09:04,197 --> 00:09:05,397
It turns out she had a tumor
264
00:09:05,398 --> 00:09:08,234
Pressing on her
brain's pleasure center.
265
00:09:08,301 --> 00:09:10,402
A tumor those quack
doctors removed.
266
00:09:10,470 --> 00:09:12,271
Jack, this is different.
267
00:09:12,272 --> 00:09:13,472
She gave me money.
268
00:09:13,473 --> 00:09:15,241
It's not different, jenna.
269
00:09:15,242 --> 00:09:17,176
It never is.
270
00:09:17,244 --> 00:09:19,211
You must be verna.
271
00:09:19,279 --> 00:09:21,547
Oh, and you must
be jack donaghy.
272
00:09:21,615 --> 00:09:23,515
Jenna, you were
right, darlin'.
273
00:09:23,583 --> 00:09:25,217
He does look
like he'd be great
274
00:09:25,218 --> 00:09:29,188
Between those two things
we were talking about.
275
00:09:29,256 --> 00:09:30,289
Interesting earrings.
276
00:09:30,290 --> 00:09:33,058
Oh, thank you. I
made 'em myself.
277
00:09:33,126 --> 00:09:35,527
Something's killing all the
birds in my neighborhood.
278
00:09:35,595 --> 00:09:37,830
Mom, I really wish you
didn't have to leave tonight.
279
00:09:37,897 --> 00:09:40,332
'cause my birthday's
this weekend.
280
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,901
Oh, my god. I am
the worst mother.
281
00:09:42,969 --> 00:09:44,103
No.
- Yes, I am.
282
00:09:44,104 --> 00:09:45,537
Don't say that.
283
00:09:45,538 --> 00:09:47,006
Could a bad mom have
raised a daughter
284
00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:48,941
Who was engaged to a
congressman when she was 16?
285
00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:50,342
Jenna to the stage, please.
286
00:09:50,343 --> 00:09:51,343
Oh, that's me.
287
00:09:51,344 --> 00:09:53,846
Oh, goodness.
288
00:09:53,913 --> 00:09:56,849
Oh.
289
00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:58,450
Blowing town tonight, huh?
290
00:09:58,451 --> 00:10:00,619
I knew it was her birthday.
291
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,388
I'm throwing her
a surprise party,
292
00:10:02,389 --> 00:10:04,823
And it's at a
fancy restaurant,
293
00:10:04,891 --> 00:10:06,692
So wear something nice.
294
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,593
Like a pair of white jeans
295
00:10:08,628 --> 00:10:11,130
And a dan marino jersey
or something, 'kay?
296
00:10:16,836 --> 00:10:18,404
Hey. So how you holding up?
297
00:10:18,405 --> 00:10:20,305
Terrible. I have a
headache, a stomachache.
298
00:10:20,307 --> 00:10:21,573
Last night I spent an hour
299
00:10:21,574 --> 00:10:23,509
Trying to remember how to
spell the word "heighth."
300
00:10:23,576 --> 00:10:25,244
Liz, your body is crying out
301
00:10:25,245 --> 00:10:26,912
For all the chemicals
it's used to.
302
00:10:26,913 --> 00:10:28,681
You can't go on like this.
303
00:10:28,682 --> 00:10:30,015
Here. Eat it.
304
00:10:30,016 --> 00:10:31,550
Eat it. Come on.
You need your crutch.
305
00:10:31,551 --> 00:10:32,551
Stop it!
306
00:10:32,552 --> 00:10:36,722
God, your arms
are really weak.
307
00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:37,823
What are you smiling at?
308
00:10:37,824 --> 00:10:39,224
Aren't youiserable?
309
00:10:39,225 --> 00:10:41,260
I have a very strong will.
310
00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:45,564
Rossitanos have refused
to fight in seven wars.
311
00:10:45,632 --> 00:10:46,632
I don't buy it.
312
00:10:46,633 --> 00:10:47,766
There is no way that guy
313
00:10:47,767 --> 00:10:49,735
Is stronger than me.
- Or me.
314
00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:51,403
He's got to be
sneaking cigarettes.
315
00:10:51,404 --> 00:10:52,738
You're the one
living with him.
316
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:53,872
Catch him in the act.
317
00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:55,507
Yeah. I still have
his old cigarette pack.
318
00:10:55,508 --> 00:10:56,909
I will leave it out
tonight as a trap,
319
00:10:56,910 --> 00:10:57,910
And set up a video camera.
320
00:10:57,911 --> 00:10:59,044
Good idea. Nanny cam.
321
00:10:59,045 --> 00:11:00,312
Just like the
one our nanny used
322
00:11:00,313 --> 00:11:01,580
To catch me
watching her sleep.
323
00:11:01,581 --> 00:11:03,148
High five.
324
00:11:06,653 --> 00:11:08,987
Hi. I was told I'd get paid
325
00:11:09,055 --> 00:11:11,990
If I came here and danced while
the atlanta hawks eat dinner.
326
00:11:12,058 --> 00:11:13,792
All: Surprise!
327
00:11:13,793 --> 00:11:17,329
Oh, my god!
328
00:11:17,397 --> 00:11:18,931
Mom, you remembered.
329
00:11:18,932 --> 00:11:20,699
Well, of course I remembered.
330
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:21,967
Come here, sweetie.
331
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:23,736
I've seen this before.
332
00:11:23,737 --> 00:11:25,871
Classic colleen move.
333
00:11:25,939 --> 00:11:27,406
Whatever it is verna wants,
334
00:11:27,407 --> 00:11:29,274
She's going to
ask for it tonight,
335
00:11:29,275 --> 00:11:30,342
And jenna can't say no
336
00:11:30,343 --> 00:11:31,443
In front of all these people.
337
00:11:31,444 --> 00:11:33,445
My mother once
won a radio contest
338
00:11:33,513 --> 00:11:35,614
To announce the starting
lineups at a red sox game,
339
00:11:35,682 --> 00:11:36,949
And used the opportunity
340
00:11:36,950 --> 00:11:39,251
To get me to promise
never to put her in a home.
341
00:11:39,319 --> 00:11:40,919
What could I do?
342
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,588
Carl yastrzemski was
looking right at me.
343
00:11:42,589 --> 00:11:43,589
This isn't about you,
344
00:11:43,590 --> 00:11:44,990
So you need to get
over your issues
345
00:11:44,991 --> 00:11:46,191
And try to be happy for jenna.
346
00:11:46,192 --> 00:11:47,693
Speaking of issues,
347
00:11:47,694 --> 00:11:49,294
I had a dream the other
night that we were married
348
00:11:49,295 --> 00:11:51,195
And I gave birth to
a cartoon cat, so...
349
00:11:52,365 --> 00:11:53,465
Could I have
350
00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:55,366
Everybody's attention, please?
351
00:11:55,368 --> 00:11:56,835
Thank you.
352
00:11:56,836 --> 00:12:01,473
In my life, I've
been a lot of things-
353
00:12:01,541 --> 00:12:03,542
A liar.
354
00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:05,144
A dental hygienist.
355
00:12:05,145 --> 00:12:07,646
But I haven't always been
356
00:12:07,714 --> 00:12:09,281
A good mom.
357
00:12:09,282 --> 00:12:11,316
Jenna, honey, I don't
know if you remember,
358
00:12:11,384 --> 00:12:13,218
But when you were 11,
359
00:12:13,219 --> 00:12:15,119
We were supposed
to sing together
360
00:12:15,121 --> 00:12:17,322
At a mother-daughter
talent pageant.
361
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:19,358
I had completely
forgotten about that.
362
00:12:19,426 --> 00:12:21,326
What betrayal?
363
00:12:21,361 --> 00:12:23,862
Well, I was drinking
pretty heavily then...
364
00:12:23,930 --> 00:12:26,265
On account of my bad knee.
365
00:12:26,332 --> 00:12:28,934
And then I went
and drove my jet ski
366
00:12:29,002 --> 00:12:33,005
Into that great
big bunch of moss.
367
00:12:33,072 --> 00:12:35,908
So I did not make
it to that pageant.
368
00:12:35,975 --> 00:12:40,145
Honey, I don't deserve
a single thing from you,
369
00:12:40,213 --> 00:12:42,080
But I've got to ask one favor.
370
00:12:42,081 --> 00:12:43,849
And it's a big one.
371
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:47,686
If you would do me
the very great honor
372
00:12:47,754 --> 00:12:49,988
Of joining me?
373
00:12:50,056 --> 00:12:51,023
Hit it.
374
00:12:53,092 --> 00:12:56,495
do that to me one more time
375
00:12:56,563 --> 00:12:58,697
once is never enough
376
00:12:58,765 --> 00:13:03,635
with a daughter like you
377
00:13:03,703 --> 00:13:06,638
do that to me one more time
378
00:13:06,706 --> 00:13:09,508
I can never get enough
379
00:13:09,576 --> 00:13:12,044
of a mom like you
380
00:13:12,111 --> 00:13:14,279
oh
381
00:13:14,347 --> 00:13:18,050
Both: kiss me
382
00:13:18,117 --> 00:13:21,153
like you just did
383
00:13:21,221 --> 00:13:22,721
How are you not moved by this?
384
00:13:22,722 --> 00:13:26,358
Because I'm listening
to the words.
385
00:13:26,426 --> 00:13:30,429
Both: do that to me once again
386
00:13:37,068 --> 00:13:38,502
Verna.
387
00:13:38,503 --> 00:13:40,070
Hey.
388
00:13:40,071 --> 00:13:42,172
Nice office, jack.
389
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,774
I feel like I'm in
390
00:13:43,775 --> 00:13:45,675
The martha stewart
section of kmart.
391
00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:47,211
What can I do for you?
392
00:13:47,212 --> 00:13:50,714
Oh, well, I just
wanted to thank you
393
00:13:50,782 --> 00:13:52,015
For coming to the party.
394
00:13:52,016 --> 00:13:53,584
It meant a lot to jenna.
395
00:13:53,585 --> 00:13:55,552
And it was pretty
important to me too.
396
00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:58,655
See, now you know what
the show would be like.
397
00:13:58,723 --> 00:13:59,723
What show?
398
00:13:59,724 --> 00:14:03,126
Jack, I did not drive my home
399
00:14:03,194 --> 00:14:04,862
All the way to new york city
400
00:14:04,863 --> 00:14:07,631
Just to kiss my
daughter's ass.
401
00:14:07,699 --> 00:14:10,000
Thank you.
402
00:14:10,068 --> 00:14:12,169
I want to do a tv
show about me and her.
403
00:14:12,237 --> 00:14:14,538
You want to do a reality show?
404
00:14:14,606 --> 00:14:15,606
Come on.
405
00:14:15,607 --> 00:14:17,207
You see how good I am
406
00:14:17,208 --> 00:14:19,810
At pushing jenna's buttons.
407
00:14:19,878 --> 00:14:24,281
Yeah, this show will
have laughter, tears,
408
00:14:24,349 --> 00:14:25,916
Topless arguments.
409
00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,852
Infections caused
by jacuzzi water.
410
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:29,953
I knew it.
411
00:14:29,954 --> 00:14:32,289
I knew you had
something up your sleeve
412
00:14:32,357 --> 00:14:34,925
Besides a tattoo
with, let me guess-
413
00:14:34,993 --> 00:14:37,094
It's a mermaid.
414
00:14:37,161 --> 00:14:39,429
Doing it with captain morgan.
415
00:14:39,497 --> 00:14:41,031
Now, come on, jack.
416
00:14:41,032 --> 00:14:44,201
We both understand
the value of a dollar.
417
00:14:44,269 --> 00:14:45,669
Oop.
418
00:14:45,670 --> 00:14:48,839
Now won't you please
do me this favor?
419
00:14:48,907 --> 00:14:50,274
Talk to jenna.
420
00:14:50,275 --> 00:14:53,777
There's a lot more
where that come from.
421
00:14:53,845 --> 00:14:57,648
Which is in my underpanties.
422
00:15:01,819 --> 00:15:03,120
come in.
423
00:15:03,121 --> 00:15:05,656
Jenna, I was right.
424
00:15:05,723 --> 00:15:06,957
I was right all along.
425
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:08,959
What's that?
426
00:15:09,027 --> 00:15:11,228
Oh. New earrings.
427
00:15:11,296 --> 00:15:12,462
My mom just made them.
428
00:15:12,463 --> 00:15:14,164
So they still might
have some pigeon mites.
429
00:15:14,165 --> 00:15:17,200
But she said those can't
affect-affect humans-humans.
430
00:15:17,268 --> 00:15:18,702
Yes, well, it
certainly is amazing
431
00:15:18,703 --> 00:15:20,704
To see how your mother
has made this 180.
432
00:15:20,772 --> 00:15:21,838
It's even better, jack.
433
00:15:21,839 --> 00:15:26,209
She's made a full 360.
434
00:15:26,277 --> 00:15:27,477
Well, I just wanted to come by
435
00:15:27,478 --> 00:15:29,146
And make sure you're okay.
436
00:15:29,147 --> 00:15:30,914
I'm glad to see
you're so happy.
437
00:15:30,915 --> 00:15:32,416
I am happy.
438
00:15:32,417 --> 00:15:35,218
Because now I have everything.
439
00:15:39,490 --> 00:15:41,224
Good morning, dummies.
440
00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:46,129
So frank can go cold
turkey but I can't?
441
00:15:46,197 --> 00:15:48,231
Well, well, well.
442
00:15:48,299 --> 00:15:50,434
Frank's old cigarettes.
443
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:52,135
When I went to bed last night,
444
00:15:52,136 --> 00:15:54,071
There were 15
cigarettes in the pack.
445
00:15:54,138 --> 00:15:55,405
This morning, there were 12.
446
00:15:55,406 --> 00:15:56,974
What?
- J'accuse!
447
00:15:56,975 --> 00:15:59,343
Look, I don't know where
those cigarettes went.
448
00:15:59,410 --> 00:16:00,844
If only some genius
449
00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:03,947
Had secretly videotaped
her living room last night.
450
00:16:04,015 --> 00:16:06,984
Oh, wait. It did.
451
00:16:07,051 --> 00:16:08,951
Hang on. You videotaped
your living room?
452
00:16:08,953 --> 00:16:09,987
All night?
453
00:16:09,988 --> 00:16:10,988
Sure did.
454
00:16:10,989 --> 00:16:11,989
And as soon as I figure out
455
00:16:11,990 --> 00:16:12,990
Which one of these things
456
00:16:12,991 --> 00:16:14,124
Is the thingy...
457
00:16:14,125 --> 00:16:15,125
Coming at you.
458
00:16:15,126 --> 00:16:17,694
Gimme.
459
00:16:17,762 --> 00:16:18,962
You didn't believe in me.
460
00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:20,664
But I believed in myself.
461
00:16:20,665 --> 00:16:22,099
Just like the last scene
462
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,134
Of all movies.
463
00:16:24,202 --> 00:16:27,437
Okay. Here we go.
464
00:16:27,505 --> 00:16:28,939
What are you wearing?
465
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:30,874
Both: They're
called night spanx.
466
00:16:30,942 --> 00:16:32,342
I don't even
remember getting up.
467
00:16:32,343 --> 00:16:33,343
What am I doing?
468
00:16:33,344 --> 00:16:34,611
You're sleepwalking, liz.
469
00:16:34,612 --> 00:16:37,948
It's a little-understood
parasomnial disorder.
470
00:16:39,017 --> 00:16:39,983
That's gross.
471
00:16:39,984 --> 00:16:41,218
She's not sleep walking.
472
00:16:41,219 --> 00:16:44,321
Oh, my god. I'm sleep eating.
473
00:16:44,389 --> 00:16:46,056
You tried to take
away your release, liz,
474
00:16:46,057 --> 00:16:47,457
But nature finds a way.
475
00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:49,326
Did you learn nothing
from jurassic park?
476
00:16:49,327 --> 00:16:50,894
Why am I making a phone call?
477
00:16:58,069 --> 00:16:59,669
Okay, I don't mean to be
the black guy at the movie,
478
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:01,071
But you better move, girl!
479
00:17:02,106 --> 00:17:04,074
Uh-oh.
480
00:17:04,142 --> 00:17:06,276
Oh, liz, you didn't!
481
00:17:06,344 --> 00:17:08,145
I ordered a pizza?
482
00:17:09,614 --> 00:17:11,081
Oh!
483
00:17:11,082 --> 00:17:12,082
Oh, I don't want to see this.
484
00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:13,083
Okay, fine.
485
00:17:13,084 --> 00:17:14,217
I cheated in my sleep.
486
00:17:14,218 --> 00:17:15,585
But frank folded too,
487
00:17:15,586 --> 00:17:17,486
Because I am not making
it up about the cigarettes.
488
00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:20,824
Any minute he's gonna- -
wait, what are you doing now?
489
00:17:20,892 --> 00:17:22,726
No. No. Please, no.
490
00:17:22,727 --> 00:17:25,462
Oh, god, liz. You
didn't smoke the
491
00:17:26,764 --> 00:17:28,532
I'm eating it.
492
00:17:28,533 --> 00:17:30,634
Okay, well, mystery solved.
493
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,769
Liz ate the cigarettes,
494
00:17:32,837 --> 00:17:33,837
And I guess some of us
495
00:17:33,838 --> 00:17:34,838
Just don't need a release.
496
00:17:34,839 --> 00:17:36,139
So let's turn the tv off.
497
00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:38,809
Hang on.
498
00:17:38,876 --> 00:17:39,876
Oh, thanks, frank.
499
00:17:39,877 --> 00:17:41,278
Oh, there's more.
500
00:17:41,279 --> 00:17:44,681
Denise, I said wait upstairs.
501
00:17:44,749 --> 00:17:46,783
My boss is asleep
in the other room.
502
00:17:46,851 --> 00:17:48,251
I was told
503
00:17:48,252 --> 00:17:52,856
You have a package
for the mail room.
504
00:17:52,924 --> 00:17:54,224
Oh, come on!
505
00:17:54,225 --> 00:17:55,292
This just got awesome.
506
00:17:55,293 --> 00:17:56,626
I need you, denise.
507
00:17:56,627 --> 00:17:58,028
I'm trying to quit smoking,
508
00:17:58,029 --> 00:18:00,330
And my mom's not here.
509
00:18:00,398 --> 00:18:02,332
I'm your mama now, baby.
510
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,668
don't go to sleep
511
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,170
with a frown in your pocket
512
00:18:07,238 --> 00:18:10,240
go into your yard
513
00:18:10,308 --> 00:18:11,875
and tie it on a rocket
514
00:18:11,876 --> 00:18:13,743
This is the worst
thing I've ever seen.
515
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:16,313
you'll be feeling better soon
516
00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:20,217
Both: don't go to
bed with a frown
517
00:18:20,284 --> 00:18:22,219
I love you, denise mommy.
518
00:18:27,091 --> 00:18:28,991
We all need our release.
519
00:18:31,929 --> 00:18:33,497
Verna,
520
00:18:33,498 --> 00:18:35,098
I want to be in
business with you.
521
00:18:35,099 --> 00:18:36,999
Oh! Ho, ho, ho!
522
00:18:37,001 --> 00:18:39,536
We are gonna be
swimming in green, jack.
523
00:18:39,604 --> 00:18:43,440
Just like when I dye my
pool on st. Patrick's day.
524
00:18:43,508 --> 00:18:44,708
I do have a couple of notes.
525
00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:46,510
This project will not be about
526
00:18:46,511 --> 00:18:48,411
Drama or dysfunction.
527
00:18:48,479 --> 00:18:49,479
People are tired of that.
528
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:50,914
Well, so what's it about?
529
00:18:50,915 --> 00:18:52,249
Redemption.
530
00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:55,152
It's about a mother making
amends to her daughter.
531
00:18:55,219 --> 00:18:56,219
And it's not a show.
532
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,120
It's four visits per year-
533
00:18:58,122 --> 00:18:59,456
Christmas, mother's day,
534
00:18:59,457 --> 00:19:02,259
Jenna's birthday,
and thanksgiving.
535
00:19:02,326 --> 00:19:04,594
You treat jenna with
the respect she deserves,
536
00:19:04,662 --> 00:19:06,096
You get a check.
537
00:19:06,097 --> 00:19:07,097
You're trying to bribe me
538
00:19:07,098 --> 00:19:08,165
Into being a good mom.
539
00:19:08,166 --> 00:19:09,966
Well, it is all
just about money,
540
00:19:09,967 --> 00:19:11,301
Isn't it, verna?
541
00:19:11,302 --> 00:19:12,869
Well, maybe for me.
542
00:19:12,870 --> 00:19:16,273
But this is emotional
for you, isn't it?
543
00:19:16,340 --> 00:19:20,577
And I believe that
gives me the upper hand,
544
00:19:20,645 --> 00:19:22,612
And you're gonna have to pay.
545
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,447
Big.
546
00:19:24,448 --> 00:19:25,982
3 grand a visit,
547
00:19:25,983 --> 00:19:27,984
And a rain tarp for
my washer and dryer.
548
00:19:28,052 --> 00:19:29,686
Deal.
549
00:19:29,687 --> 00:19:31,188
Verna, stop stroking my palm
550
00:19:31,189 --> 00:19:32,155
With your middle finger.
551
00:19:32,156 --> 00:19:33,456
This is a businessransaction.
552
00:19:33,457 --> 00:19:34,858
Sorry.
553
00:19:34,859 --> 00:19:36,759
Whoo-hoo, mr. Big stuff.
554
00:19:36,761 --> 00:19:38,628
Dudley's father went outside
555
00:19:38,629 --> 00:19:39,996
And lit a cigarette.
556
00:19:39,997 --> 00:19:41,464
In the next episode-
557
00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:43,567
Good morning, pete, kenneth.
- Liz.
558
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:46,236
If you are spending your
mornings with kenneth,
559
00:19:46,304 --> 00:19:47,304
What's your release?
560
00:19:47,305 --> 00:19:49,039
Uh...
561
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,741
Oh, I feel alive!
562
00:19:51,809 --> 00:19:53,310
I've been biting my nails.
563
00:19:53,311 --> 00:19:55,312
Oh.
564
00:19:55,379 --> 00:19:58,181
Hey, liz.
565
00:19:58,249 --> 00:20:00,050
Verna's coming back
for mother's day.
566
00:20:00,051 --> 00:20:02,319
We're gonna do a duet
of I'll make love to you
567
00:20:02,386 --> 00:20:04,187
At a children's hospital.
568
00:20:04,188 --> 00:20:05,655
That's great, jenna.
569
00:20:05,656 --> 00:20:07,090
Hey, jack, guess what?
570
00:20:07,091 --> 00:20:09,125
Verna's coming back
for mother's day.
571
00:20:09,193 --> 00:20:11,093
She is? What a surprise.
572
00:20:11,095 --> 00:20:14,664
So I guess you were 100%
wrong about everything.
573
00:20:14,732 --> 00:20:17,434
Think about that, jack.
574
00:20:29,347 --> 00:20:31,982
You're a good
man, jack donaghy.
575
00:20:32,049 --> 00:20:33,717
Thanks, meat cat.
576
00:20:36,323 --> 00:20:40,040
Transcript by addic7ed.com
577
00:20:40,075 --> 00:20:43,521
I've got an idea for
a show called Doctor.
578
00:20:43,556 --> 00:20:46,325
About Richard Doctor,
who's a piano player.
579
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,893
Remember that show
Jennifer slliped here.
580
00:20:48,928 --> 00:20:53,630
Anne Jillian plays a ghost of a
hollywood starlet who helps teenagers.
581
00:20:53,665 --> 00:20:56,039
With what? I don't know!
582
00:20:56,074 --> 00:21:00,489
Some of those people on Magic
Cane were drunk... with power.
583
00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:03,221
Did you know that Today Show
used to have a monkey on it.
584
00:21:03,256 --> 00:21:05,110
Hasn't been this good since.
585
00:21:05,787 --> 00:21:07,906
I think that chimp used
to drive a truck himself.
586
00:21:07,941 --> 00:21:09,977
On you-know-what
and the bear.
587
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,068
Download Movie Subtitles Searcher from www.OpenSubtitles.org
588
00:21:13,118 --> 00:21:17,668
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39831
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