Original subtitles

EMORY: Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry. - No, it was my fault. Allow me.

I really don't know why I'm always in such a hurry.

This city does it to me. All this rushing about.

It might be the big push all over again.

Oh, there's my bus. Excuse me, I must catch my bus. Thank you so much.

Sir, your book.

- Excuse me. - I beg your pardon.

Your book.

Oh, well, hello.

Yes. It's a very rare print. You're very kind.

- You're welcome. Goodbye. - Just a moment.

- Don't I know you from somewhere? - I--

Of course, the Nottingham guards. Don't you remember the trek to the desert?

All that mucky heat and the crawling insects boring into your skin?

- I don't think so. - Let me jolt your memory.

I wore a beard in those days.

Some other time. I really must get off here.

You mustn't go yet, Mr. Kuryakin.

- Good show. - My apologies, sir.

- I didn't want to be so crude. - Nonsense.

You would've made noncommissioned officer in no time at all in the regiment.

- Thank you, sir. - He would never have made it.

- Where to, sir? - Home, James.

Mr. Kuryakin's late. He should have been here by 3.

I saw his car parked out in front when I came in an hour ago.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Must be somewhere in the building.

- Yes? WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Security for Mr. Solo.

Come in.

Yes, what is it?

This came for Mr. Solo.

Someone left it at the Del Floria. Said it was urgent.

Oh, it's all right. It's been checked in Demolition.

- It's Illya's identification card. - Mm-hm.

There's a button here on back of the bird. It activates a recorder.

EMORY [ON RECORDING]: Oh, to be in England now that Illya's here.

Seven years of plenty, seven years of lean.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me

A partridge in a pear tree

That's it.

Didn't the scanners notice anything unusual in the area?

Here.

An English bus?

The Eastsnout Express.

Oh, I talked with Reception. Mr. Kuryakin never checked in.

All right, thank you.

Earned seven years ago.

Partridge.

Remember?

Oh, yes.

Yes, Emory Partridge.

He was the fellow who took the Latin American country...

...and turned it into a feudal state.

Yes. He completely controlled the country.

- I thought you reported him dead. - No, no, no. Missing.

After we cleaned out his operation he disappeared into the rainforest.

Few people go in there and no one ever comes out.

Apparently your Mr. Partridge may have.

If anyone could, Mr. Partridge would.

So apparently he has kidnapped Illya and is summoning me into the trap.

You'd better follow through on this, Mr. Solo.

If it is Partridge, let's close the file on him once and for all.

See if you can manage to bring Mr. Kuryakin back with you.

Yes, I'm certain Illya would very much appreciate the gesture.

Welcome to Eastsnout, Mr. Kuryakin.

This lovely countryside and the unspoiled hills beyond for 20 miles are all mine.

I'll hold my applause till later if you don't mind.

You know, I like to think of this as my fiefdom...

...and the people think of me as their squire.

The people in Eastsnout appreciate what I've done for them.

And they're grateful. They may not come out and say so...

...but in their hearts, they know.

- It all sounds very reassuring. - Yes.

We know what freedom really means here.

Of course, you'll have to take my word for it.

Home, James.

Emory. I didn't expect you until this evening, dear.

- Did you have a good trip? - Splendid.

- And you look well, my dear. EDITH: Thank you.

You know, we have a most distinguished houseguest.

Mr. Kuryakin, welcome to Porlock Hall. This is my wife, Edith.

Mr. Kuryakin, it's so nice to have you.

And you're just in time for tea. Won't you join us in the study?

I would like to walk Mr. Kuryakin about a bit before I show him to his room.

Then you'll join us for dinner.

I'm afraid Mr. Kuryakin will be tied up this evening.

Oh, well, perhaps another time.

EMORY: This way, Mr. Kuryakin.

As you can see, we've tried to keep everything just as it was in Cromwell's day.

Of course, there's electricity.

The former tenants put it in and we haven't had time to turn it out yet.

Well, we never use it ourselves. Thank you.

Come over here. Now...

...you'll never believe this...

...but this part of the house was built in the year 1530.

And although I've never seen it myself...

...they say that the ghost of the first Earl of Eastsnout still lurks in the house.

The story goes that his jealous stepbrother...

...took the traditional family sword and skewered him right here in this hallway.

I still have the sword over the fireplace in my study.

The Earl must feel right at home here. Very secure.

I never thought of it that way myself. Would you like to see the gardens?

Jenkins, this is Mr. Kuryakin. He's going to be staying with us for a while.

Yes, sir.

- Any trouble? - Oh, not really, sir.

Just one of the wolves must've broken out of the wolf house.

I think he's gone into the maze.

We'll have to keep our eyes open. You'd better come along with us.

I thought I saw Mr. Partridge walking in the maze...

...with a stranger.

Oh, it must be that nice, young man with the awkward name.

A charming fellow.

He was very, sort of, physical-looking...

...in an unusual way.

Why are they taking him into the maze?

I believe he's a friend of Mr. Partridge. Just showing him the grounds, I suppose.

Could I have my tea now?

Well, now, Mr. Kuryakin, here we are.

Right in the very center of the maze.

Not more than 150 feet from the house as the crow flies.

- Rather inspired, wouldn't you say? - Remarkable.

Go ahead, Jenkins.

After you, Mr. Kuryakin, and please watch your step.

I don't want to be responsible for any accidents.

Now, you wait here, Jenkins.

Light the torch, Forrest.

This is one of my favorite little hideaways at Porlock Hall. Thank you.

Gives one a sense of continuity with the past.

Something to hang on to. Come on.

ILLYA: Every home should have a recreation room.

I'm so glad you feel that way.

You'll be staying here for a while, and I do want you to enjoy it.

Very foolhardy of him. Forrest, go and fetch him.

[GROWLING]

Would you like for me to open the gate?

[GROWLING]

No, that's not necessary, thank you. I'll consider myself captured.

This is really very bad form, Mr. Kuryakin.

You should never try to go through this maze by yourself.

There are devilish devices scattered around.

Jenkins has done a magnificent job in keeping them fully operational.

Thank you, sir.

I'll see if I can catch that other little animal.

Now, come along, Mr. Kuryakin. Let's move along in an orderly manner.

After you.

Well, I can tell you one thing, he's certainly no gentleman.

I hope you don't mind.

- Any friend of yours is a-- - That's the ticket. Keep your spirits up.

We don't want you moaning about all night.

Now, hurry up, Forrest. We must prepare for Mr. Solo's arrival.

Come on, man.

That's it. Good day.

[WINGS FLAPPING]

[BATS SCREECHING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING & CHAINS CLANGING]

You expecting anyone?

[CREAKING]

SOLO: Good morning.

- May I help you? - Aye.

- You have a taxi here, sir? - Nay.

I'm on my way to Eastsnout.

Nobody in their right mind ever takes a journey to Eastsnout.

Well, you may have a point there--

They say there are dark goings-on at Eastsnout.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing chronic, I hope.

Is there anybody around here who could give me a lift there?

At your service, sir.

- Are you? - I'm to drive you directly to Porlock Hall, sir.

- I see. Mr. Partridge sent you. - The car is over here, sir.

Well, thank you for your foresight.

[INHALES]

Good help's a little hard to find these days.

[CHUCKLES]

American tourist.

[CHATTERING]

Good afternoon.

Well, don't let me interrupt your dart game.

I wondering if someone here might give me some information.

Sir, perhaps you might be able to give me the directions to Porlock Hall?

I see.

Sir, perhaps you might be able to tell me how to get to Porlock Hall.

You see, I have some personal business there.

And I don't mind telling you that I have the distinct feeling...

...that you'll keep it to yourself.

SOLO: Hm.

Say, that's very good.

Oh.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Forepaugh. - Afternoon, Miss Peggy.

I'm afraid I have to ask for the monthly account.

Oh, yes. Well, I got them all ready for you.

Please explain to the squire that business has fallen off quite a bit.

Pardon me, Miss, but you seem to be the only one around here...

...who speaks the language.

Could you possibly tell me how to get to Porlock Hall?

No.

I'll tell him, Mr. Forepaugh.

Goodbye.

Well, that doesn't appear too difficult to beat.

Well, what do you know about that?

Gentlemen...

...cheers.

PEGGY: Psst!

You know, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day.

- My name is Napoleon Solo. - Peggy Durrance.

Why do you want to go to Porlock Hall?

Well, a friend of mine is staying there.

- Mr. Kuryakin? - That's the one, yes.

Can you show me how to get there?

No.

Thank you for the lift.

Get in. Get in quick. The man will be here shortly to open the gate.

Are you a friend of the squire's?

No. In all honesty, I can say that I'm not.

Now, where are you keeping Mr. Kuryakin?

In the dungeon.

- How do I get there? - There's an entrance through the maze.

But you'd better not try to go in there.

The squire has it loaded with traps and things.

I suppose that's the only entrance.

Oh, no. No, there are several passageways throughout the house.

The squire himself doesn't even know about some of them.

How do you feel about the squire? Specifically.

Squire Partridge is a terrible man, Mr. Solo.

He bought up all the land of those that would sell...

...and bought up all the notes of those who wouldn't.

He controls everyone in Eastsnout.

What about you?

I lived here with Father. He was the gamekeeper.

Until he had that terrible accident that killed him.

I stayed on as sort of a companion to Mrs. Partridge.

She's a very dear person, but I'm really quite terrified of the squire.

I guess that's why I haven't left.

Peggy, I'll make a bargain with you.

If you take me to Mr. Kuryakin, I will rid the village of the squire...

...and take you to London.

- You'll do all that? - I'll do all that.

It's a fair exchange, isn't it?

Oh, duck.

I'll meet you upstairs.

It's the first door at the end of the hall to your right.

I'll go first to see if it's all clear.

That's got it, dear.

My, what have we here.

Another young man.

- Is he yours? - No, Ma'am.

You may go now, Peggy.

Put that gun away, dear boy.

Come and have some tea with me.

That's very kind of you, but there's a passage out of this room.

- Would you direct me to it, please? - Oh.

I just might do that.

After we talk a bit.

I'm very lonely, you know.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Young men are always in a hurry.

In South America, people have learned to conserve themselves.

Emory and I had our own little country there a few years back.

Oh, I loved it so. The parties, the military balls...

...all those young men in their sparkling uniforms.

Have you ever danced the rumba?

[STRUMS HARP]

I'm sorry, but I'm forced to insist. Where is it?

Only if you'll promise to come to dinner.

I'm looking forward to it.

All right, then.

But be here at 8 sharp.

I'm forced to retire rather early these days, you know.

I haven't been feeling quite the same since that awful rainforest business.

Oh, wait a moment.

Here.

Take this.

Thank you.

Remember, be here at 8.

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, well, well. Look who's here. Mr. Solo.

You surprised me.

Just like old times.

I hope you don't mind my dropping in like this.

Caught me completely off guard, didn't you?

You know, I always felt you had a rather middle-class mind...

...but this is very well done.

Well, that's very flattering. Now, shall we visit Mr. Kuryakin?

I'm afraid Mr. Kuryakin will have to wait for a few minutes....

...because I want to explain my plan to you.

I think you'll appreciate it.

Do sit down

It won't bite you.

You know, ever since your organization spoiled things for me in South America...

...I've been planning my revenge...

...in a way that no one ever has before.

First of all...

...Mr. Kuryakin.

Then...

...you come to roost.

I have plenty of branches left, you see.

Enough, possibly, for all of U.N.C.L.E. Who knows.

That's all very intriguing, but aren't you overlooking something?

Yes, I did overlook something. I forgot to mention...

...that you are going to make a call and summon your superior.

You see, the next bird to come to Porlock...

...will be Mr. Waverly.

I see you've come to rescue me.

Wait till you hear my plan.

Hm.

Who's your roomie?

Superman.

They certainly make it easier for you fellas these days.

Why, back in the Sudan, my regiment had to send out a runner...

...and we'd never be sure whether the bloke would make it or not.

EDITH: Emory.

Hello, Edith.

So this is where you're keeping our nice, young men.

I suspected as much.

Now, come on, Mr. Solo, show some breeding. Cooperate.

Call your Mr. Waverly and summon him here.

Some other time.

- What is it, Emory? - I tell you, Edith, I'm in a bit of a spot.

I want this Mr. Solo to call his superior, and he's being a bit obstinate.

- And you want me to persuade him for you. - Yes, that's what I had in mind, yes.

Get you out of another fix. Do the hard part for you. Make you look good.

I don't want to go into all of that now, Edith.

- You can't quite manage alone, can you? - Edith, please just do it.

- Don't I always? - Yes.

- You old dear. - Thank you.

Jenkins, you come along back to the house with me.

Forrest, you stay here with Mrs. Partridge. Mr. Solo, I do hope you'll reconsider.

- So long, Edith. - Goodbye, dear.

Bye.

Certainly in a state of disrepair, isn't it?

Oh, you look so uncomfortable.

I hope you don't catch your death of cold in here.

Forrest, light a fire.

We would be a little more comfortable if you asked your man to release these chains.

I would like nothing more, but I'm afraid it would make Mr. Partridge very displeased.

Unless, of course, Mr. Solo would change his mind...

...and make his little business call for him.

No, I'm sorry. It's really against company policy.

Oh, you're such a nice young man, Mr. Solo. Please, make your call.

And then we could all spend some time together in my parlor.

Well, that's very inviting, but....

What a shame.

Very well, then.

- Undo his chains, Forrest. FORREST: Yes, madam.

Oh, please give me the gun.

Ah-ah!

As I recall, you have to pull this triggering device.

That's it.

Well, I didn't realize you were quite so capable.

How do you think that I got Emory out of that awful rainforest?

Come along, you naughty boy.

Get on the rack.

Somehow, I have the distinct feeling that you're more talented than I imagined.

Come on. Upsy-daisy.

FORREST: Upsy-daisy.

EDITH: And make him snug, Forrest.

Oh, this really is a disgrace.

If you were my boy, I shouldn't let you run about...

...getting into such a mess as this.

Are you ready, Forrest?

Can you turn the rack?

[RACK CLANKING]

[RACK CLANKING]

Let me know when you're ready to comply, dear.

SOLO [GRUNTING]: Yeah.

Oh, this is much better.

And this will be for our other young friend.

Strike while the iron's hot, they say.

You really don't need to go to all that bother.

EDITH: You see?

Now....

[GASPS]

Oh, Emory. You gave me quite a start.

This little minx has been spying on you.

What an unladylike thing to do, Peggy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Solo. I was only trying to help you.

It's all very clear to me now.

She helped Solo sneak into the hallway...

...and this passage. She didn't tell me anything about that.

It's several minutes quicker than going through the maze.

- You're trying to disrupt everything? - That's not half of what I'd like to do.

Peggy, show a little respect.

And I always thought you were such a dear, sweet lady.

Well, I should hope so.

I don't like her. Forrest, chain her to the wall.

Now then, Mr. Solo.

Let's make that call. We're wasting time.

I was just beginning to feel comfortable.

We'll see about that. I resent having to do this.

My deepest sympathy.

Here, dear, let me.

- A woman's touch, you know. - All right.

Well?

Well?

[GRUNTING] Yes, I think I'm beginning to feel something.

I'm beginning to lose patience.

- Lend me your poker. - Now, be careful, dear. That's very hot.

EMORY: I know.

I'm going to see how much of a gentleman you are, Mr. Solo.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to test Mr. Solo's breeding.

PEGGY: Don't. Please don't.

I don't think I'm going to mind this.

These wenches are all alike.

We had to deal with a lot of them in the army.

And don't think I don't know what you've been trying to do to me.

Flaunting yourself about the place, trying to catch my fancy.

But it won't do you any good. You can't have me.

No, no, Emory. You don't just wave a poker about like that.

You move in slowly, like this.

- You see? - Stop, please.

All right, I'll make the call.

- Hold it, Edith. Hold it. - What is it, dear?

Mr. Solo has agreed to make the call.

Good show, Mr. Solo. I didn't think you had it in you.

Forrest, release him.

- Thank you, my dear. - Good show, darling.

I believe they have March hares in the garden too.

Well, you certainly took your time getting here.

I rang several minutes ago.

- We looked in here-- - Never mind, never mind.

There's an outlet here that you can use. Wires....

Now, tell Mr. Waverly to come at once, and alone.

Overseas relay. Pattern six, code one.

Takes a second. Has to bounce off the Telstar satellite.

- You know? - Oh.

Hello.

SOLO: This is Solo here, sir.

Ah, yes. Yes, Mr. Solo. Yes, let me have your report, please.

Yes, I've made contact with Mr. Partridge and he wishes to negotiate...

- ...but he wants to talk to you personally. - What do you recommend?

Well, I always say a bird in the hand....

Now I think it's time to give him the bird.

What the devil are you talking about, Mr. Solo?

I don't think I can free Illya myself.

- You'd better come and size up the situation. - All right.

All right, if you feel it's necessary, I'll come at once.

Yes, and he has extensive security. So you'd better come alone.

Meet me at the Eastsnout station tomorrow at 3.

Goodbye, sir.

Well, you've been reasonably cooperative, Mr. Solo...

...and so I'll relieve you of your embarrassment.

I'll meet Mr. Waverly.

We're finished with you.

Don't make a mess in here. Take him to the dungeon.

Really, squire, what's your hurry?

I think it's quite comfortable here, don't you? Why don't you sit down, huh?

You've broken it. We'll stay here and guard the entrance.

Jenkins, go and get some guns and join us in the maze.

- James, you come with me. - Yes, sir.

"Kuryakin." It's an odd sort of name, isn't it?

Are your people from Bristol, young man?

No.

Somehow I didn't think they were.

Oh, Mr. Solo.

You're being wicked again, aren't you?

Yes, I just can't seem to break the habit. You, stay right where you are.

Well done, Mr. Solo. Well done.

Hold still, will you?

ILLYA: You know your way out of the maze? - I don't know where he's put the traps.

How do we get out of here?

Along that corridor, up through the gazebo.

What about her?

Splendid.

Let's not leave any loose ends about.

Now, Peggy...

...snugly now.

If you're going to do a job, do it right.

Thank you.

Confidentially, I want to see how long it takes me to get free.

I'm an expert escape artist, you know.

No, but it doesn't surprise me.

Well, don't wait. I'm a little out of practice.

Come on.

All right.

Let's go. And this time, let's kill them all.

ILLYA: Napoleon.

Step carefully. There are traps everywhere.

SOLO: Illya.

It's an old pressure plate from a Scottish castle.

If you'd have run through here and stepped on it....

Well, fancy that.

Come on.

- And there's a wolf loose in the maze. - Wolf?

And it's far past his lunchtime.

[CRACKLE]

[WOLF GROWLING]

[WOLF GROWLING]

Run.

[WOLF GROWLING & MAN SCREAMING]

- What's happening? - Wolf, man....

[SOLO GROWLS]

Bon app�tit.

Hold it.

Tripwire.

It's a crossbow, set to fire a steel-tipped bolt.

JENKINS: That will be far enough, Yank.

Too bad you didn't have any darts this time, Yank.

Drop the sword.

[GUN COCKS]

I just don't know how I do these things.

Thanks.

Oh, dear.

Well, hello.

I see you found your way back quite nicely.

Yes, it seems that we have you, don't we, squire?

EMORY: But do you now?

If you'll be so kind as to put your gun aside.

You see, tactically speaking, you are on rather unsteady ground.

It's true that you could probably hit me.

But on the other hand, I could kill you and both of your companions...

...with the blast from these barrels.

SOLO [WHISPERS]: Get ready to duck.

Do me a favor, squire. Put your gun down, please.

God bless us all.

[GUNSHOTS]

My word, Emory.

Oh, Edith. How could you.

SOLO: Come on.

EDITH: Oh, thank you.

Oh, Edith, I would have blasted them apart.

But no, you had to foul up the whole maneuver.

- You're nothing but an old-- - Emory.

If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all.

Let that be a lesson to you, too, Mr. Solo.

Yes. I think it has been a lesson to us all.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING & CHATTERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Everybody's so grateful to you, Mr. Solo.

It's very kind of you to arrange for everyone to have his property returned to him.

I guess I'm a bit old-fashioned, myself.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

That must be Illya with your car. Shall we?

- Can't be too soon. - All right, Mr. Solo, you had a call.

Seems there's an impatient gentleman...

...been waiting for over an hour for you at Eastsnout station.

- I forgot to turn off the bath water. - What?

I didn't advise the gentleman to cancel his trip.

My superior.

Yes, Mr. Waverly. I was just about to call you.

No doubt.

Mr. Kuryakin tells me that you can explain everything.

Perhaps you'll be good enough to extend that courtesy to me at least, Mr. Solo.

Excuse me.

Yes. You're right.

Mr. Kuryakin said that? That was very helpful of him. Nice chap.

Actually, the problem was--

It was a communication-- Electronic thing in relation to the Telstar satellite.

[WHISTLING]

Illya.

Well, that's the spy business for you.

You can't trust anyone.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[ENGLISH SDH]